Chapter 48
Non progredi est regredi
"To not go forward is to go backward"


"He covered page after page with wild words
of sorrow and wilder words of pain.
There is a luxury in self-reproach.
When we blame ourselves,
we feel that no one else has a right to blame us.
It is the confession, not the priest,
that gives us absolution."
The Picture of Dorian Gray


Kagome woke slowly, feeling every bit of the hours she'd spent awake.

She inhaled deeply, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.

"You awake?" Inuyasha's voice came from behind her, and she rolled over to look at him.

"What time is it?" She yawned, covering her mouth with her hand as she sat up.

He shrugged.

"Mid-morning," he answered. "Kaede saved you some breakfast."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You were asleep," he said simply, as if that answered her question.

"You still should've woken me up."

"You've slept like shit for the past couple of weeks. I told Miroku to take a break from training today."

"And if I want to train?" She asked him, and he cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Ain't nobody stopping you," he commented, standing and walking into the other room. She heard messing with something that sounded like pottery, and he reappeared as she was climbing out of bed.

He handed her a bowl of rice and a few vegetables. It was obviously her breakfast that Kaede had set aside for her. Kagome took a few small bites as Inuyasha resumed his seat against the wall.

"How's your shoulder?" He asked, and she looked at it as she rotated it around the joint, wincing at a sore spot.

"Just a little tender."

"You shouldn't be shooting arrows yet. Even Kaede said so."

"I just wanted to see if I could still do it."

"It's dumb if you hurt yourself more."

She huffed and took another bite of rice. He wasn't wrong, but she was really hating how often he was right about things lately.

Finishing off the bowl, she set it aside to stand up.

"I'll take it. You can change," he said, rising to his feet fluidly and taking the bowl from her.

For once, he hadn't chastised her about how much or how little she'd eaten, and she stared at him, blinking a few times as he disappeared into the other room. She shifted over to her backpack, spotting the box that she'd shoved into the side last night. Opening it carefully, she read the stick again.

Not pregnant.

For the briefest of moments, she'd thought it had been a dream, and she let out a slow exhale, putting the stick back in the box and then putting inside one of the sandwich bags shoving it deep down into the recesses of her bag. She dragged out a change of clothes, opting for leggings instead of jeans today.

Once changed, she stepped out into the main room, seeing Inuyasha standing in the doorway. The sun outlined his profile, and she was struck dumb for a moment at how beautiful he was. It still baffled her as to how people could be so cruel to him because of what he was.

Sure, he was a little—a lot—rough around the edges, but deep down, he was one of the kindest people she knew.

"You done staring?"

"I wasn't staring."

She totally was but not in a bad way.

"Keh, sure," he grumbled, stepping out into the sunlight. She jogged a few steps to catch up with him, wrapping her fingers around his wrist before letting her fingers slide into his.

He led her out into the fields, and she pulled them towards one of the larger shade trees before she plopped down, gently tugging his hand to urge him to sit beside her.

He leaned back against the trunk, and she shifted to lean her head against his shoulder.

"You're okay?" He asked quietly, and his thumb brushed over her knuckle lightly.

"I'm—better. Everything doesn't feel so heavy today, you know?"

He grunted at that, and she smiled as she sank against him. He hadn't released her hand, but today felt like a good day.

Like today was gonna be the day.

The day.

She was going to make a barrier, a complete one, today. She could feel it.

But first, maybe a quick nap?

Yes, definitely a quick nap.


"Shut up," Inuyasha hissed, drawing her out of a defined sleep. She shifted slightly, burrowing her face into the soft material to block out the light further. "I swear, if you wake her up with your bullshit—"

She groaned, and there was a short shift of material under her face, and she grimaced at being so rudely awakened.

"If you kill me now, Kagome will be upset with you!" Miroku squeaked out, and there was the sound of rustling fabric behind her. An arm pressed her closer to the warm fabric as Inuyasha growled next to her ear. She shifted slightly to look up at him, as he snarled at Miroku behind her.

Looking down, she realized that she was sprawled across Inuyasha's lap and legs, and she didn't really remember getting into that particular position—not that she minded.

Inuyasha was ignoring her, and she tugged on his robe as she pulled herself to more of a sitting position. His arm moved under her back as she moved, supporting her.

"Why are you killing Miroku?" She mumbled, and Inuyasha looked down at her, before glaring back at Miroku.

"Because he's an idiot."

"That is a matter of opinion—" Miroku started, cut off by Inuyasha's snarl, "which is also a matter of opinion."

Kagome looked between the two of them as she tried to clear the fog of sleep off her brain.

"Why are you annoying Inuyasha?" Kagome asked, ending the question with a yawn.

"You know what they say, one man's annoyance is another's—" Inuyasha swiped his claws out at the monk, who took a step further back.

"Miroku," Kagome groaned. "Stop agitating him."

"Kagome, what gives you any idea that I would agitate my dear friend?"

Kagome gave him a side-eyed look as she shifted in Inuyasha's lap to climb off of him. An arm around her waist, however, pinned her in place against him.

"I assure you, it's only to your benefit, Kagome," Miroku argued with a knowing glance to the arm wrapped snugly around her.

Kagome rubbed her face with her hands, trying to perk herself up enough to attempt to follow her friend's logic and conversation.

"I was actually sent to summon you both for lunch," he said, scratching the back of his head. "Sango's request."

Inuyasha huffed as Miroku walked away, whistling a tune that Kagome had taught them on a rainy afternoon while they'd all been trapped inside a very cramped space.

Kagome looked over at Inuyasha, who looked utterly displeased with everything in his life.

"Sorry about climbing on you like this. I don't even remember doing it."

He gave her a strange look, staring for a moment before withdrawing his arm as he allowed her to stand. She turned around to look at him and noted the blush running across his cheeks.

"Don't—don't worry about it. Didn't hurt or anything," he mumbled, starting for Kaede's hut. She jogged up beside him and grabbed his hand, smiling as he turned slightly to look at her.

"Did I embarrass you?"

He shook his head, and his fingers wrapped around hers.

"I know Miroku was teasing you, but I really don't remember even falling asleep, and I'm sorry if it bothered you."

He let out a loud albeit short growl and tugged her hand so that she would face him.

"Look, Miroku's just being an asshole. It doesn't bother me, so don't—don't think that—you know—you gotta—" He let out a small huff and looked away from her.

She smiled, reaching up to touch his cheek so that he would look at her.

"If it doesn't bother you, then it doesn't bother me."

He nudged his head slightly into her hand before pulling away and urging her towards the hut.

"You'll say if Miroku is being an ass, right?"

She walked beside him, fingers interlaced with his.

"Miroku's fine. He just teases."

"You'll say something if it bothers you?"

"If I tell you, are you going to hit him?"

Inuyasha shrugged.

"Dunno. Maybe."

"So, yes."

He cut a side-eyed look at her, but didn't refute her claim as he pushed the mat aside and allowing her to enter first.

Sango smiled as she walked in.

"Good Morning!" She chirped and Kirara trilled beside her.

Inuyasha scoffed from behind her as he took a seat on the nearest cushion.

"Was until someone ruined it," he muttered, glaring at Miroku.

"What did you do?" Sango said with a sigh, and Miroku held up his hands.

"I have literally done nothing," he stated, hands still raised. "I just found our friends and invited them to lunch is all."

"Why do I get the feeling that isn't all that you said?" Sango asked and Miroku managed to put on an affronted look that appeared almost sincere.

"Dearest Sango," he started and she snapped a glare at him.

"What did you do, Miroku?"

"Nothing! I swear!"

Sango turned towards Kagome.

"I was asleep, so I missed everything."

"Inuyasha?"

Kagome only caught the strange glance that Miroku gave Inuyasha before he spoke.

"You know what, I do remember something," Miroku said, lightly tapping his chin with his finger.

A chopstick smacked him across the face, and Kagome turned to look at Inuyasha, who was glaring more than chopsticks in Miroku's direction.

"What did you remember, Miroku?" Shippo asked as he climbed into Kagome's lap.

"Well, Shippo," a low growl erupted from Inuyasha, and Miroku paled, "I remember nothing."

"Nothing?" Shippo asked.

"Nothing. Sometimes this happens to adults who take one too many hits to the head, or so our wise Lady Kagome says."

Sango rolled her eyes at his statement.

"Maybe you wouldn't get hit so many times if you weren't a pervert," Shippo pointed out, sending Kagome and Sango into giggles.

Miroku opened his mouth to say something else, but a quick glance at Inuyasha made him snap it closed so quickly there was a click of his teeth.

Kaede stepped into the hut, and there was a pause between them as she surveyed the group.

"What did Miroku do?" She asked, and Miroku let out an indignant scoff before glancing at the rest of the group.

"What makes you think I did anything? It could've been Shippo!"

"I've been good!" Shippo countered.

"Aye, ye have."

"Maybe I've been good too!"

Inuyasha snorted at that.

"He has only grabbed my butt once today," Sango pointed out as she took out bowls for each of them. Kagome shifted to help her serve the food, handing bowls to Kaede and Inuyasha, before taking one for herself and settling in on the cushion beside Inuyasha.

"Well, that is definitely an improvement from yesterday," Kaede agreed.

Shippo sat down beside her, and Inuyasha grabbed the edge of the cushion, tugging her closer to him. Kagome glanced over at him, and he didn't meet her gaze, as he shoveled food into his mouth. He only paused to look at her, eyes motioning to her still full bowl of food.

Kagome smiled before digging into her own bowl.


It was a good day.

She felt like she was going to be able to do this.

She was going to make a barrier. A full one. One that would cover her entire body. One that would protect her from something.

Sitting under the tree, she let out a slow breath, feeling her reiki run just beneath the surface of her skin, hot and wild, like always. That is what made it frustrating. It felt like it wanted to be set loose, but then when she wanted to set it loose, it hid like a petulant child. Like Buyo sometimes did when he acted like he wanted outside, but when the door opened, he just turned and walked away.

But today, it was going to work, she could feel it.

She'd managed to sneak away from Miroku when Sango had dragged Inuyasha out for training, so she'd darted out of the hut, heading towards Goshinboku to try. She didn't want anyone there to witness her failure if it didn't work.

Not that she thought it wouldn't work, but she just wanted to have a moment alone—in the daytime—to practice. Maybe not having the prying eyes on her at all times would be helpful. She didn't think that they were judging her, but she was willing to try anything at this point.

She just wanted to be able to do this one thing. This one simple little thing that apparently anyone with reiki could do as a child.

She took a deep breath to center herself and pushed the reiki out of her hands, feeling it surge up to her elbows before it hit the usual block and sputtered. Another deep breath, and she exhaled slowly, feeling it slowly rise over her arms, heading to her shoulder.

She growled in frustration, trying to figure out what was blocking her.

"If you're trying to imitate Inuyasha," Kagome squealed in surprise, seeing Miroku lounging back against one of the roots beside her, "that's not a half-bad attempt."

"Miroku!" She shouted at him, grabbing her shirt front. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"Well, to be fair, I felt the same thing when you snuck off on your own," he glared at her from where he sat. "If Inuyasha finds out that you were off on your own when I was supposed to be with you, he's going to run me through with Tetsusaiga!"

"Tetsusaiga can't hurt humans," Kagome corrected.

"We both know that Inuyasha is stubborn enough to at least try, and I, for one, don't want to be on his shit list when it comes to you." He sighed heavily. "So, pray tell, would you like to attempt to explain why you felt the need to run off on your own?"

Kagome exhaled slowly, already feeling cornered.

"Today felt like a good day to try." She turned her gaze to her hands that had betrayed her good mood.

"You do appear to be in a better mood today," he commented. "So why does it feel like a good day to try?"

At this question, Kagome shrugged.

"Does this have to do with you actually sleeping last night?"

Kagome started, looking at the monk with wide eyes before collecting herself.

"Inuyasha made a comment while you were napping in his lap," he gave her a narrowed eye look that he always gave his marks before he swindled them, usually for the good of the group—usually. "He said that you hadn't been sleeping well or at all."

"I don't—" Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat a little before continuing. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Miroku shifted to settle in beside her with a sigh.

"Kagome, if there's one thing that I absolutely love about you, it's that you're a terrible liar."

"Why is that a good thing?"

"Because, there can only be one good liar in a group, and I can't have someone moving in on my territory." He cleared his throat. "So tell me what's going on or what's been going on with you."

"It's frustrating that I can't do this one thing. I'm supposed to be Kikyo's reincarnation, and I can't do anything that she can do, and it just feels like I'm disappointing everyone."

There was a long, lingering pause, and Kagome fingers found each other, picking at the edges of her nails.

Miroku's hand dragged one of hers away, holding it between both of his.

"Okay, firstly, you might be Kikyo's reincarnation, but no one expects you to be like her. No one. In fact, we're all glad that you're not like her."

Inuyasha probably wished she was a bit more like Kikyo. He wouldn't have to save her so often if she wasn't so useless. And weak. And—everything else.

"And I mean all of us. Our hanyou friend included. We like our Kagome very much. Weird future things and all. Secondly, as I have said many, many times before," he started with an obvious displeased undertone running through his voice, "Kikyo spent years training to control and harness her powers. Years starting as a child being taught by someone who has spent their entire life devoted to learning and teaching others about reiki. You have myself and Kaede, who are neither of those things."

"But you both know so much about it and you can create barriers and—"

"Yes, I know how to do those things, and so does Lady Kaede, but neither of us are teachers by trade. We're fumbling through this as much as you are." He let out another sigh. "I'm afraid our lack of knowledge is causing you harm in the process. Perhaps it would be better if we sought out someone else."

Kagome shook her head, clenching her fingers around Miroku's; she didn't want to be taught by anyone else. She felt safe with Kaede and Miroku; she knew that they wouldn't take advantage of her and would look out for her. Someone else might not be so honest.

It was Miroku and Kaede or no one.

"Okay, well, then I'm going to need you to work with me too." Kagome looked up at his statement. "Like when you're feeling discouraged enough to do something foolish like run away on your own. I mean, really Kagome, it's like you don't even care about Sango and I having babies."

"I don't need to be supervised 24/7."

"No, but until we find the person who cursed and tried to kill you—several times, I might add—you're unfortunately going to be saddled with someone."

"You know, when I first arrived here, I created a reiki blast when I fought Mistress Centipede."

"I didn't know that."

"Yeah, so maybe, if I was put in that type of situation again—"

"Nope, that is definitely not going to happen." Miroku violently shook his head at her suggestion.

"But it might help!"

"The only thing it might help is Inuyasha's desire to make me a eunuch. We're not even considering it!"

"But—!"

"No! I enjoy having all of my appendages attached to my body. If he even found out that you were talking about it, it might be enough to send him over the edge."

"But I'll be with you!"

"Precisely the problem!"

"We won't know if we don't try!"

"Look, little sister," he ground out between clenched teeth.

"I'm pretty sure we're the same age."

"Little sister," he continued unfazed. "Think of my future children. You can't be an aunt if Inuyasha kills me or rearranges my manhood."

"You're overreacting."

"Kagome, are you aware of how many times Inuyasha has threatened my ability to have children since we've met?" Kagome rolled her eyes. "Literally, the first night I traveled with you, he dragged me off and told me that if I ever touched you inappropriately again then he would rip it off." He made an exaggerated motion to his own lap.

"He never told me that."

"Of course he didn't, because that would've upset you." He huffed. "He did the same thing with Sango, too. If that makes you feel any better."

Kagome laughed at that.

"I'm so glad that my misery has brought you some joy," he muttered.

"It didn't stop you from grabbing Sango's butt though."

This time Miroku laughed, head tipping back at the statement.

"No, no, it did not," he mused, letting go of her hands. "Since we've cleared the air, how about we try again?"

"I don't know," Kagome said, playing with her fingers. "Now it feels silly."

"No, come on. You said that today felt lucky, so let's try it."

"And if it doesn't work?"

"Then we go drown our sorrows, and try again tomorrow. We have nothing to lose if we try and fail, Kagome."

Giving him a nod, she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and then pushing her reiki out again. Starting with her fingers, and then pushing it up and out and it felt like it always had, and then it stuttered out before it reached her shoulders. She let it drop with a sigh.

"Wait," Miroku said, touching her arm. "Do it again."

She started it again, not really seeing the point, but allowing Miroku to see it again.

"Avoid your hands," he said suddenly. "Your reiki is starting here," he pointed to his chest, "and then it's going out to your hands. Start the barrier here."

"I don't even know how—"

"Just try it."

Sighing again, Kagome pushed her reiki out in a barrier from her gut instead of forcing it out at her hands. And this time, it felt easier. Like this was what it had wanted to do this entire time.

"Kagome, can you open your eyes?" Miroku said. "I think you're going to want to see this."

"What?" She cracked her eyes open, and stared. Enveloping her entire body was a light pink dome. "Did I—Is this—?" She stared at the barrier, afraid to move lest it burst under the strain. But she could see it. She'd done it. She'd created a barrier around her entire person.

"You did it, Kagome. You did it!"

Her eyes watered as she reached a tentative hand out to brush along the inside. It cracked and fell before she could touch it, but she turned to Miroku, who grinned broadly at her.

"I did it!" She let out a laughing sob as she threw her arms around Miroku's neck in a hug.

"You did it!" He crowed as he crushed her in a bear hug. "I knew you could!"

She laughed, pulling away.

"Do you want to go tell Inuyasha?" He asked, and she nodded. That had been the first instinct. He stood, holding his hands out to her. "Well, let's not keep him waiting. I'm sure Sango will be eager to see it too."

They started off towards where Sango and Inuyasha were, and Kagome grinned broadly.

She bumped Miroku with her shoulder, as she wrapped her arm around his.

"I told you today felt like a good day."

He grinned down at her as they walked together.


A/N: Sorry this is such a late update; I got carried away with arts and crafts. Well, actually it was cutting up a book because we needed a "symbolic item" for our team. My teammate suggested "a green light bulb" for the green light from Gatsby. I'd suggested a dildo because we're fucked over constantly. The team lead so said no to both. So anyway, we compromised on a cut up text book so it looked like it held airplane bottles of liquor. So on the outside, it's a textbook, on the inside: emergency fun! (Except no alcohol actually in there. I'm making a joke, not looking to be fired.) So we'll see if anyone even looks in the book. I think it's hilarious. My mother wanted to know how I managed to whiddle them down to that, and I told her I started with dildo. You know, like how if you want a puppy start with a horse.