Chapter 51
Sic ego nec sine te nec tecum vivere possum
"So I can't live either without you or with you"


"I am I, and I wish I weren't."
Brave New World


When they arrived back at Kaede's, Kagome pulled her hand away and went straight into the storage room where she'd been sleeping. He heard her pull the blankets up over her head and sigh loudly, though it was muffled slightly.

It was like he could physically feel her sinking away into her own head again.

Meanwhile, Inuyasha stood in the doorway watching the entire episode feeling like an asshole without an clear reason as to why. He hadn't done anything wrong.

He'd also failed to do anything right.

"Outside," Sango hissed, shoving him backwards.

"What the fuck, Sango?" He sniped back at her, as she kept pushing him farther and farther away from the hut. He glanced at the doorway and only caught Sango's fist a fraction of a moment before it struck his cheek sending him staggering back to avoid falling on his ass.

"The fuck was that for?" He asked, reaching up to rub the bruising flesh under his palm.

"What did you do?" She hissed, all of her rage and anger focused on him in that singular moment. "What did you do to Kagome?"

"I've done jack shit to her!"

"You did something! Because she hasn't been like that in weeks! So what did you do?!"

"If I knew, I'd fix it! I don't need you trying to beat my ass for it!" He avoided another swing that was aimed at his face again. "Dammit Sango! Stop it!"

She growled but halted in throwing punches at him so he could have a moment to think.

"So what did you do?" She asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Who said I did anything?! We were talking fine and then she just clammed up and wanted to come back here." Sango raised an eyebrow at him, and he growled back at her. "If I knew what it was, I'd fix it, okay? Happy now?"

"No, I'm not happy," she snapped before seeming to almost deflate in front of him. "She was doing so well," she groaned, rubbing her eyes with one hand. "Why does it feel like we just got knocked back to the beginning?"

"That is because the healing process is not a straight line," Kaede said, coming up behind him with her basket of herbs. "It is a process. Kagome will have good days and bad ones too. Ye must support her through both."

He glared at the old woman, who promptly ignored him, heading into her hut. It wasn't like he was giving up on her. He was giving Kagome space! That's what they'd told him to do every single fucking time he wanted to help. .

Granted, they'd said a lot of things and fucked up everything for a good long while, and he'd listened because he didn't know any better, so maybe he should just do what he wanted after all.

So what did he want to do?

That answer was surprisingly easy.

He turned away from Sango and followed Kaede into the hut.

"I'm not done talking to you!" She shouted after him, and he flipped her off before pushing the mat aside and striding into the storage room. Shippo was curled up on top of the blankets and frizzed his tail at Inuyasha's entrance into the small space.

Inuyasha glowered at the little fuzz ball before grabbing the back of his vest and tossing him from the room, despite Shippo's hissing and swiping and spitting. The runt stood in the door way, fur on end, glaring daggers at him, but like he gave a fuck.

For once, Inuyasha was going to do what he thought was best for Kagome. And the best thing was to not leave her alone to wallow in whatever the fuck she thought she needed to wallow in.

Maybe if he'd done that in the beginning, things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did.

He gave a short growl, nodding his head in the direction that the kit should go, and thankfully, Shippo huffed before running outside. Probably to tattle on him to Sango, but it wasn't like she could do anything.

Maybe—maybe she was just tired. Kagome did really stupid shit when she was tired. So maybe this was just a sign that she was reverting back to the way she'd been.

But while Old Kagome touched him frequently, it was nothing like this newer version of Kagome, who sought out his hand and clothes every opportunity she got. And while he knew that it probably wasn't healthy, he was also going to be the first to admit that he'd miss it if she stopped. He lowered himself to the ground, sitting right beside her curled form underneath all her blankets. Resting his chin in his hand, he sighed, taking the initiative and letting his other hand lay on top of her head. Letting her physically know that he was there. Right there, in case she needed him.

And at the end of everything, he always would be.


Kagome reappeared in real life only at the call of dinner, and even that had to be encouraged. Miroku had been the sacrificial lamb sent in to summon them. Inuyasha shook her shoulder gently.

"It's dinnertime," he told her, and she curled up tighter in her blankets.

"I'm not hungry."

"We both now that's a lie. You need to eat something."

"How would you know?"

"Your stomach has been making noise for a while now. You're hungry. Stop being stubborn."

He flipped the blankets back, and she'd squeaked at the sudden intrusion.

"Come on, Kagome. Everyone is waiting on you." It was a lie and a boldfaced one at that, but if it got her up and eating then he'd take it as a win.

She was still too thin, though she'd gotten better since they'd returned. She'd fought him less and less on it, and she'd been eating more—still not enough in his opinion, but he'd take what he could get at this point. Something was better than nothing, and there had been a lot of nothing for a while there.

As she sat up, he stood, offering her his hands. Partially as a peace offering and partially because he just liked fucking touching her as often as he possibly could. He had a problem. He knew that he had a problem, but it wasn't like it was affecting his daily life or anything. And he was pretty sure there was way worse stuff to be addicted to besides Kagome.

Like way worse shit.

She stared at his hands for a long moment, long enough that he considered retracting them or wishing that the claws didn't seem so menacing.

A tentative glance at his face and then an equally tentative reach and brush of her fingers, but the moment her skin brushed his, he snagged it, hauling her to her feet. And to his concealed and utter delight, she did not pull away from him, letting him guide her back into the main room and out of hiding.

"Kagome!" Shippo chirped, leaping off Miroku's shoulder with so much vigor that the monk had to jut a hand out behind himself to stop from falling over. But he at least had enough sense to not leap into Kagome's arms.

Kagome pulled her hand away, crouching down to give Shippo a hug, much to Inuyasha's reluctance and disapproval, but he opted to stay quiet and move to take his usual seat against the wall.

He watched the kit examine her arm, checking for further injury.

"I'm so sorry, Kagome."

"It was an accident, Shippo. It'll probably be gone by tomorrow anyway. So don't cry, okay?" She rubbed the top of his head, reassuring him that she was fine.

"Your arm is fine then?" Miroku asked, his gaze focusing on Inuyasha.

"Yep! Doesn't even hurt."

"Huh, imagine that," Miroku continued staring at Inuyasha. "That is good news indeed."

"Why? Did something happen?"

"Hmm? Oh, no, nothing out of the ordinary." Miroku turned to her and gave her one of his most conniving grins.

"Did something happen, Inuyasha?" She asked, eyes narrowing as she studied him, and Inuyasha reflexively jerked. He couldn't help it. He knew that tone. He knew that look, and it always led to one place. His face smashed into the ground.

His ears flattened back as he braced for impact. But he kept his arms crossed, claws digging into the flesh of his forearms, because dignity.

"I assure you, Kagome," Miroku interrupted. "There was nothing out of the ordinary that occurred. We were all at least a little worried about your arm. In fact, it was Inuyasha who made sure that it was treated quickly."

Shit at this rate, he was going to owe the lecher his first born.

"But Inuyasha—!" Miroku quickly grabbed Shippo, cutting off his sentence by holding the kit in his lap.

"Everything is fine, I assure you."

Inuyasha's eyes darted towards Sango, and if burning someone alive with vision was within her skill set, he was pretty sure that even his fire rat wouldn't have saved him. He swallowed thickly.

Kagome glanced around the room, eyes glancing at every one of them before landing on him, ears still back and defiantly not making eye contact with her. It was not a thing. He wasn't going to look at her, because then she would know. Because somehow she always knew.

It was probably the ears.

"As I said, Kagome, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Absolutely nothing unexpected at all happened."

He should apologize. Just get it out there. She was going to find out. Sango was going to rat him out. He knew it. He could see it in her face. She was just waiting for the right moment. Fuck. It wasn't bad enough she clocked him across the face earlier, but now he was going to sit there and just hope that Sango didn't blurt that out in the middle of dinner. Yeah, fuck that.

Risking a glance, he saw Kagome's eyes narrow at him, and he quickly looked back at the spot on the floor that he'd randomly chosen.

"Take a seat. We're almost ready," Kaede told her.

Kagome shifted slightly, but didn't move towards her usual seat, the one next to him, and he muffled the whine a half second too late.

Shit.

Fuck.

Maybe no one else heard that.

Scratch that.

Shippo's smug look on his face proved that hell was real, and he was in it.

You know, he was going to apologize for earlier and bribe the little shit with the stupid candy he loved so much, but you know what? That little fucker was getting jack shit after all. He'd be lucky to see tomorrow if he so much as said a word about that.

Kagome, the precious soul that she was, took pity on him and claimed her usual seat next to him.

Part of him wanted to ask what made her move, but another deeper part of him was thrilled that she'd chosen him anyway, even if she didn't look particularly thrilled with him at the moment. She'd still chosen him over someone else, and that was all that mattered.

Did he shift closer to her so that they were barely touching?

Yes.

Did he feel bad about it?

No.

Did he ignore the looks that he got about it?

Also yes.

Did he shoot the kitsune a death glare when he deigned to climb into her lap while she was eating and give him a smug look of satisfaction about it?

Uh, fuck yeah, he did.

He ate in silence, shifting his leg ever so slightly so that he remained in constant physical contact with her.


She went to bed later than normal, which bothered him because she'd been so tired and had already passed out earlier. He thought that she should've gone to bed much sooner.

But again, he's only been taking care of her for a year, so what the fuck did he know?

He took up his position at the front of the room. The one that he absolutely loathed, because he hadn't been able to sleep at all.

Like at all.

And at this rate, it might start affecting his personality.

Kagome twisted and turned in her bedding like she had been since they came back here. She slept fine in her room, and he didn't understand why she was having such a problem now.

She let out a long sigh.

The only bonus from all this was that she moved so much that Shippo no longer wanted to sleep in her bedding, which was fine. No one else needed to sleep with her except—well, no one needed to sleep with her at all.

He huffed silently to himself.

She'd said that she wanted less protecting, which meant that she wanted him to be closer to her, right? That's what that meant.

She'd said that she wanted him to act more like he did in her time—well, she'd said in her bedroom specifically—so did that mean that she wanted him to sit with her while she slept?

He'd held her that one time—and if he'd known just how badly he wanted to do that again, he probably would've abstained—or not. He knew himself. He'd do it again in a heartbeat.

He should be ashamed of himself, but he wasn't.

In the midst of his thoughts, he hadn't been paying attention, and Kagome had rolled out of her blankets and was on her way out of the room. She'd almost strode right past him, and he'd been so caught up in his own head that he'd almost missed it.

Kagome crept out of the hut, and this time, Inuyasha decided to follow her. Maybe they could talk it out. Or he could explain what had happened at dinner. Or any of the hundred other weird things that he's been doing lately. She dragged herself into the tree line, and he frowned. She never went in that far.

He made it to the trees inside of a couple bounds.

She was always on this side of the trees, so what was she doing? Maybe she actually had to piss this time. He'd just get close enough to make sure and then he'd retreat back to a safe distance and wait until she left the trees to talk to her.

He patted himself on the back. He was good at making plans after all.

But Kagome didn't stop to piss, in fact, she didn't stop at all. She was heading towards somewhere in the dark, and he leapt above her in the trees. She kept her hands out to the side and in front of her as she walked, using them to help her avoid the trees and branches.

The only thing out this way was the river.

Maybe she was thirsty?

But there was water stored in the hut, or at least next to it, so why would she need to go all the way to the river? Frowning, he watched her navigate through the trees for a moment before leaping ahead to scout the area and make sure that there were no surprises. He wasn't far. Just a couple leaps ahead. Enough to still see her when he looked over his shoulder.

Kagome stumbled a step, and he nearly revealed himself just to keep her from hurting herself, but she recovered quickly enough and kept moving.

Where the fuck was she going? And why? And why was she going alone? Did she know that there were predators out in the woods? How many times has he told her not to go out in the woods without him?

But does she listen?

Obviously not.

She's lucky that they'd scouted the area for youkai earlier, but that doesn't do anything for the scavengers and the predators that live among the trees and branches.

Kagome reached the river, and Inuyasha heard something rustling off to her right. Kagome turned towards it for a moment before kneeling down beside the edge of the water. He stilled, watching to make sure that she wasn't going to do something klutzy like fall in before he went to check out the noise.

The wind was blowing downwind, so he couldn't get a good whiff of whatever it was. He sniffed the air, trying to see if anything had been wandering around, but all he could smell were boars and deer. Nothing dangerous that would attack unprovoked.

Kagome settled in beside the water, letting out a sigh, before she started playing with her reiki. He watched her for a moment before leaping off to check out that noise.

It was probably nothing.

Until it wasn't. So it merited checking it out, and he wouldn't go far. Just in case.

He made a leap away from her and hesitated. He should go down and see what was going on, and he twisted on the branch prepared to leap back and confront her. Well, 'confront' might be the wrong word. Maybe 'gently lecture about her stupidity' is better.

A branch broke off in the distance, and he opted to go see what was lurking in the shadows before heading back. They could talk in a second. He didn't want to be ambushed while they were out here.

Leaping over to the area, he looked around, initially seeing nothing, but decided to drop down to the ground to see what it was.

Snake was the only thing he could smell.

Shit! Where had these fuckers been all day? He and Sango had made at least three rounds around the village boundaries with no trail or sign of it all—fucking—day. Well, he was going to kill it now once and for all, and then brag to a bitch about it.

Straining to listen, he followed the trail further into the woods for a beat, but there was no sign of anything having passed this way. If anything, it looks like it had been heading the opposite direction.

Which leads straight into the river.

Fuck!

Releasing a low snarl, he darted back through the trees towards Kagome, who let out a piercing shriek.

"Kagome!" He shouted, breaking through branches as he ran, heart freezing in his chest as he saw the tail of the snake snap into Kagome's midsection as her barrier shattered. She struck the tree behind her with a sickening thud as his claws sunk into the snakes head, but it was already being purified, so his satisfaction was short-lived.

The ash floated away in the wind, but he didn't stand to watch it, already kneeling over Kagome's prone form. Shifting her fully onto her back, he lifted her shirt to check her ribcage, letting his fingers gently drift over her skin.

She was breathing, and nothing felt broken.

Fuck!

She was okay. Just unconscious.

She was fine.

How hadn't he sensed this? How hadn't he detected it earlier?

He lightly patted her cheek, trying to wake her. If she woke up then, he could at least know if something was hurting her.

"Kagome? Can you hear me?" She didn't respond at all. Shit, she needed Kaede.

He lifted her head slightly, trying to lift her carefully off the ground.

He shouldn't have left her alone. You'd think that he would've known better. That he would've learned his lesson after all of this.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he slid his arm under her knees and lifted her off the ground. He tucked her against him, running back towards the hut. He ducked under the mat knocking it into the wall as he went inside.

"Wha—?" Sango murmured as Inuyasha strode into the room.

"Wake up Kaede," he snapped, slipping into the storage room.

"Did something happen?" She asked.

"Sango?" Miroku mumbled.

Great, just what he needed.

More people.

Well, since everyone else was up—

"Kaede!" He shouted, slowly lowering Kagome back onto her sleeping bag.

"What happened?" Sango asked, entering with a small lamp. He could hear Miroku arguing with Shippo to stay where he was as Kaede came shuffling out of her room. She knelt down beside her.

"Inuyasha, it is late," Kaede said as she wandered into the room and Miroku stoked the fire back to life.

"I don't fucking care!" He snapped, watching the room brighten as the fire grew, and he knocked Sango's hands away as Kaede came to Kagome's side.

"We need to move her back towards the fire. I do not have enough candles to see well enough by," she said, pushing herself back to her feet.

He didn't want that. She was safer in here. He didn't want her out and about with everyone else. It didn't matter who it was; he wanted to sequester her away, lock her up until she was awake.

And then he was going to throttle her for being so stupid.

What if he hadn't been there?

His chest suddenly felt too tight, and he found himself crushing her to his chest.

What if he hadn't been there?

"Inuyasha," Kaede said, resting a hand on his arm. He flinched, drawing away from her, growling lowly in his throat. "I need Kagome by the fire."

Right. Humans can't see in the dark, and it would be wrong to make Kaede go blind in her only remaining eye.

He stood, carrying her back out into the main room.

It felt too open, too exposed, and he fought the urge to tuck her back away into the small room.

"What happened?" Sango asked, helping Kaede look her over. He'd let go of everything but her hand; his fingers clutched onto hers, trying to remind himself that she was alive and just unconscious. There was nothing wrong. She'd be fine.

"She went out into the woods. I followed her." His voice didn't want to work, and he didn't trust it not to crack under the pressure of longer sentences.

"Why, praytell, were you and Kagome going out into the woods—alone?" Miroku emphasized the last part as Sango fretted over Kagome, and Inuyasha snapped his head up with a glower and a snarl.

"It was only a question," Kaede cut in, "though it could have been worded better, aye, monk?"

"Of course," Miroku answered, scooting back to remain out of his reach.

"She's been sitting outside. Usually it's to mess with her reiki. Tonight she went to the river."

"Why?"

"Fuck if I know!" He snapped. "At least I noticed she was gone!"

"Inuyasha, there is no reason for ye to be so aggressive, especially at this hour. Now, what else happened?"

"I heard something and went to check it out." He turned to look at Sango. "Found the snake. Caught her with its tail but purified itself on her barrier."

"She managed to make one that purified a youkai?!" Miroku leaned forward slightly. "After what she did today, she's already doing that?!" Even Inuyasha could read the pride across Miroku's face. He was proud of her too, but that was currently taking a backseat to the fact that she was fucking unconscious.

"She's got a bump on the back of her head forming," Kaede said, gently pressing her fingers against it. "But it doesn't feel like anything serious, and nothing seems to be broken." Kaede rose to her feet. "Sango, bring the candle with you." They both wandered over to her shelves, pulling down a couple of jars and mixing some of their contents together.

"She'll be alright," Miroku spoke quietly, and he heard Shippo let out a whine from where he was perched in Miroku's lap.

They were reassuring words, but even Inuyasha didn't feel entirely sure about that either.

It was the same thing he'd been telling himself: she was going to be fine, but that discomfort wasn't going to stop until she was awake.

"I've mixed up some pain medicine. No doubt she will wake with a headache from all this. I assume ye will let us know if there are any changes?"

"Yeah, sure," he said, scooping her up and promptly returning to their—her room. Kaede followed him in, setting the cup next to the wall, out of the way.

"She will be fine, Inuyasha. It is nothing serious, I'm sure."

"I ain't worried," he griped, grabbing a blanket to wrap her in as he settled back against the wall, keeping her in his lap.

"Of course not," Kaede said, patting him on the shoulder. "I will make sure everyone else gets back to bed."

She walked out, instructing everyone to go back to bed, and that he would wake them if anything changed.

"Shippo, stay over here," Miroku said.

"But—"

"Kagome needs her rest," Sango interrupted. "Inuyasha is taking care of her; he won't let anything happen."

He grimaced. He'd sworn that he'd take care of her and protect her, and look at the shit job that he's doing. Who did he think he was to make such profound promises? She almost got taken out by a fucking snake.

Some protector.

But why the fuck was she going out there alone? Why didn't she feel like she could tell any of them about it?

He would've sat with her. In silence, if she wanted it.

Why couldn't she have just asked?

Oh, they were definitely going to have a conversation about all this when she woke up.


A/N: I'm not entirely loving the ending of this chapter, but I am also completely brain-dead from proctoring the SAT yesterday. Staring at nothing for four hours just somehow numbs your brain entirely, and I'm in desperate need of a Spring Break. But I hope you enjoyed! Have a wonderful week and weekend!