Chapter 52
Veritas numquam perit
"Truth never dies"


"Everything I do is wrong.
You think I don't know that?
I've screwed up my entire existence,
and everyone who's close to me
screwed right along with me."
Practical Magic


Kagome woke with two very distinct sensations. She was really warm, and her head might actually be on the verge of exploding.

Why did her head hurt so bad?

She tried to think back on recent events, but that only made her head hurt worse.

Letting out a low groan, she buried her face into her pillow, except her pillow breathed. Jerking her face away, her stomach lurched at the onslaught of pain that followed.

"Here," came Inuyasha's voice in a low whisper. She cracked her eye open enough to see a small cup between his fingers. "Kaede said this would help with your headache."

She took the glass and gulped down its contents, making a face at the bitter after taste. He took the glass from her and set it aside. She noted that the shutters had been drawn, but there was still light coming into the room through the slats.

"What time is it?" She asked, reclining back against his shoulder.

"After lunch." His answer was short and clipped, and she could feel the roiling of his youki around her, which meant he was upset.

She tried to think back to what she'd been doing, and—

Oh no.

She'd snuck out, heading for the river.

She'd had the sneaking suspicion of being watched, especially after Miroku's comment about her "actually sleeping".

And then—things got a bit hazy. Actually a lot hazy.

She'd been practicing, and doing okay actually, but she'd thought that she'd heard something coming from the river—out of the water.

The snake!

She jolted at remembering, reaching a hand up towards the back of her head, but Inuyasha snagged her wrist, tugging her hand back down into her lap. She was wrapped in a blanket and laying sprawled across his lap.

A glance up at his face revealed exactly what she thought—he was pretty upset with her. The scowl was pulling down the corners of his mouth, and she really wanted to take the edge of the blanket and pull it up over her face and hide.

"You got a knot back there," he said, letting go of her hand.

"How mad are you?" She whispered, not able to look him in the face. He sighed, a long exhale.

"Fucking pissed." His voice was even and cool, and she tried to keep her grimace inward, but she was pretty sure that she failed somewhat. "How do you feel?"

"Okay, I guess," she mumbled.

He hummed, and she felt herself tensing for the inevitable outburst that was coming any moment now. He was not going to just let this go. Inuyasha didn't just let things like what she'd been doing float away like water under the bridge.

She braced herself for the yelling, curling into herself. His hand grabbed hers from where she'd been nearly tearing at her cuticles. She hadn't realized she was even doing anything.

"Calm down, would ya?" He sighed. "It ain't like—I mean, I'm fucking pissed as hell, but it ain't like I'm gonna hit you." She held a death grip on his hand, leaning back against him slightly.

"I know that," Kagome murmured. "But you're still angry."

He huffed, staring off to the side at the wall behind her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling her eyes begin to water.

"Fuck, Kagome, stop," he whined, curling her against him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again.

He let out a long sigh.

"So what made you think sneaking out was a smart idea?"

She flinched at his question.

"You know that I would've gone with you."

"I know." Her death grip on his hand lessened, and she let her fingers drift over his knuckles and claws, trying to distract herself and her anxiety.

"So why?"

"I just needed some time for myself?" Her statement came out sounding more like a question, and she flicked her gaze up to see if it had passed the mustard.

And judging by the glare she was getting, it had not.

"We both know that's bullshit."

"It's not," she whined, looking up at him. "Sometimes," she took a breath before looking back at her lap, "sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating."

"Like the curse is back?"

"No! No, not like that. Just like I'm being smothered by people, and I just need time to think. By myself."

"So the middle of the night seemed like the safest time to do that?"

"Uh, no?"

"Then why the fuck are you sneaking out every night?"

She jolted, the pit in her stomach deepening and darkening with that realization. He knew. He'd known this entire time. It was probably the only reason that she was even alive to begin with.

"Yeah, Kagome, I know you've been sneaking out every night to go play with your reiki. So explain."

She groaned, rubbing her face with her hands. She didn't know what to say. It wasn't like her late night escapades had really done her any good. She'd just been doing it to do it because she couldn't sleep. In all honestly, she'd probably just made everything worse than if she'd just talked with someone about it.

"Kagome," he urged, and she knew that he was fighting his urge to yell and shout and point fingers, and that made her feel even worse about the whole thing. He was trying so hard, and here she was being a class-A idiot about everything.

Why was he even bothering?

Another long sigh, and he shifted his arms so that he was holding her.

"It can't be that bad," he told her, resting his cheek on her head, "so just tell me so I can fix whatever the hell it is."

This time, Kagome shifted in his lap, twisting slightly, despite the ache that ran through her rib cage, burrowing her face into his shoulder.

"I don't even know where to start," she whined, and that part was true. She didn't know where to start. She'd made such a mess of everything without intending to, but yet, here they were.

Inuyasha didn't prompt her further or offer her any suggestions. He just sat there, holding her, and she had no choice but to figure it out. And she knew that between the two of them, they were both pretty stubborn, but she had the sneaking suspicion that Inuyasha might actually be able to out-stubborn her.

"I can't sleep," she finally whispered, her voice muffled by the fire rat. That was the truth, at the end of everything, that was the honest truth of why she'd been sneaking out.

Well, at least a part of it.

"Why?"

"I don't know!" But she did. She had a sinking suspicion from the time they'd spent in her bedroom, where he sat next to her, touching her, and she'd loved every second of it. It had reassured her that the nightmares wouldn't be as bad or as sharp as they had been.

But how did you look at someone—someone who was in love with another woman—and say 'I need you to touch me,' without it sounding weird or perverted? And God forbid Miroku finds out about it; the teasing would literally never stop.

She didn't want to put him in that position. She didn't want to risk damaging or losing what tenuous grasp of their friendship she had left.

He'd told her that she didn't have to ask, but she wondered just how far that offer extended. She didn't have to ask, and he obviously didn't mind touching her when necessary, but using him as a pillow every night?

That might be a little excessive.

It might be a lot excessive.

Her hands fisted in his clothes, and she felt the heat of his hand drift slowly up and down her back. He wasn't angry at her, and she knew that, she did. Really. Deep down somewhere. But that didn't make her want to curl up into a ball and disappear any less.

She took another deep breath to steady herself and her nerves.

It was just Inuyasha.

But that was also part of the problem.

It was Inuyasha.

"Kagome," he finally said, and she tightened her grip on his haori. "You were sleeping fine in your time. So what changed?"

She knew exactly what had changed, but she didn't want to say it.

"Is it because we're back here?"

She shook her head. She should tell him or else he was going to worry the entire time.

"Then why?"

"Can we please just let it drop? I don't want to talk about this anymore."

There was an angry scoff.

"Too damn bad, Kagome! If I hadn't been fucking following you—" He stopped talking, and she already felt worse than before, because she knew that he was right. If he hadn't been following her, then that snake would've probably eaten her in a heartbeat and no one would've been the wiser until it was well past too late.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't apologize. Just tell me why you're not sleeping!"

Kagome whined. It was childish and futile, and it definitely didn't make her feel better.

She should just tell him. Quickly. Rip the band-aid off and just be done with it.

Okay, she could do this. Taking a deep breath, she tried to steady her nerves again, but they wouldn't settle. She knew her fingers were trembling from the grip she had on his haori. It was bad enough that what she was about to say was—mortifying to say the least.

"Kagome, it's just me," he told her softly, letting his hand drift up and down her back.

He still didn't get it, that was the problem.

His hand stopped moving, and his entire frame jolted against her.

"It's me," he whispered. "It's me, isn't it?"

She couldn't answer him. She couldn't. Mostly because she was struggling not to cry.

"You can't sleep because of me?" She leaned back slightly to look up at him, and her heart broke at the look on his face.

"Yes—" His face fell, looking like she'd rejected his presence entirely. Ears flat back against his skull, and clearly looking for some sort of way to escape. "But not like that!" She broke her gaze away from his, unable to look at him and say what she needed to say at the same time. "I—I miss you," she mumbled under her breath.

"What does that mean? The only time I'm not with you is when I train with Sango."

"That's not what I'm talking about," she whined, twisting her fingers into his haori, just in case he decided to bolt. It wouldn't be unlike him. Why couldn't he use that brain of his just once? Why was he being so difficult?

"Then wha—" His voice drifted off mid-syllable, and she knew that he'd realized what she'd meant. She forced herself to let go of him, drawing her hands away from his coat, and back into her own lap where she distracted herself with the rough edge of a cuticle and tried to smooth it out.

A clawed hand settled over hers, stopping her nervous picking, but she still couldn't look at him.

He took a deep breath, letting it out in a long, slow exhale.

"Less protection," he muttered, and the sound of his voice dragged her attention up towards his face. He was staring at the wall behind her, but the scowl was obvious on his face.

"It's okay," she whispered, "you don't have to if you don't want to." And she slowly began to remove herself from his lap, despite the twinge across her chest as she moved and said the words.

His reaction was delayed for just an instant, but quickly snapped his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest.

"No!" He shouted, burying his face into her shoulder. She'd shifted slightly, her back now pressed against his chest. "No," he repeated softer, speaking into her shoulder. "Don't go."

She tried moving, but he'd locked his arms around her, though he wasn't squeezing her at all, and so she was frozen in that particular spot.

"I thought that's what you wanted."

His head snapped up, and even though she didn't turn to look at him, she could feel the heat of his glower at her before lowering his forehead back down to her shoulder with a huff.

"You're an idiot," he muttered.

"You're an idiot!" She shouted back at him, pushing against his arms, but that was useless.

He moved his chin to rest on her shoulder.

It was quiet for a moment, and Kagome slumped back against him, giving up her fight on freeing herself.

"So it is me," he pointed out, and she sighed.

"Yeah," she breathed out.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I thought—" Her mouth snapped shut for a moment.

"Thought what?"

Kagome took a deep breath, trying to garner up the courage to tell him exactly what she wanted.

"That you'd leave."

He snorted this time, knocking his head lightly against hers.

"I told you, I ain't leaving."

"Yeah, but it doesn't mean that you actually want to be around me."

His arms tightened around her waist, drawing her closer to him.

"Don't ever think that," he told her, leaning his head against hers slightly and she leaned back, hands gripping his arms around her.

"I don't want you to hate me though," she whispered, feeling tears prickle at the back of her eyes.

"We've already had this conversation," he grumbled.

"I know!"

"So then why aren't you listening?"

"I don't know!" She let her head fall back against his shoulder, tears running down her cheeks. She reached up and roughly wiped them away from her face. "I don't know!" He stayed quiet as she sniffled. She wanted to curl up in a ball against him, and she dragged her legs up, feeling her chest twinge as she tried to calm herself down.

"You think I'd lie to you?"

"No," she sniffled out. "Of course not." She wiped her face again.

"Then why is it so hard for you to fucking get that I'm not going to fucking hate you?"

She groaned, and shifted slightly to turn her head towards his.

He had a point.

"Sorry," she murmured.

"Don't fucking apologize. Just stop thinking that I'm going to fucking abandon you," he growled out. She took a shaky inhale and nodded.

"Okay," she whispered.

"Okay," he repeated.

The worst part was that he kept saying the words. Kept telling her that he wasn't leaving her, that he wouldn't ever do such a thing, but she knew it was coming. The moment that Kikyo demanded his attention, he would leave.

And that was okay. He loved Kikyo. He could love whomever he wanted.

It just hurt that it wasn't her.

But that was okay too, or at least that's what she told herself.

It was okay. She was glad that he loved someone.

She was glad.

Really.

His arms loosened around her middle slightly, now that there was no fear of her running away and disappearing.

"How do you feel?" He asked, curling his fingers around hers. She'd been running her fingers along the length of his, nails lightly scratching against his claws. "Snake hit you pretty hard."

"My chest hurts a little," she admitted.

"And your head?"

"A little. The medicine helped."

He hummed slightly,

"Kaede left some food for you from lunch." It was a suggestion and a statement all in one.

She wasn't hungry, but she knew that not eating would only make him worry more. He'd been pushy with food lately.

"Okay," she said, shifting to stand on her own. He let go long enough to rise himself and then pull her up the rest of the way.

Standing was a little bit more painful than she'd realized and she struggled a bit more with being upright. Everything in her midsection ached. Not as bad as the broken ribs from before, but it was definitely uncomfortable.

Kagome let Inuyasha walk her into the main room, setting her on a cushion before fetching the bowl of food, settling down in front of her to watch.

The quiet was refreshing, though she did wonder where everyone was.

"What?" Inuyasha asked, head resting in his hand.

"Hm? Oh, just wondering where everyone went. It's quiet," she murmured.

"They're out," he commented, looking down at the floor. His ears had twisted sideways slightly, and she frowned at that.

"What?" He snapped at her, ears lowering even farther.

"Did you make everyone leave?" She asked.

And there it was.

Eyes darting off to the side. Ears flat back against his hair. The subtle flinch.

"You can't force everyone out like that, it's rude."

He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"It's rude when they can't be quiet and let you sleep!" He snapped back. Kagome sighed setting the bowl in her lap to look at him. His hand pushed her bowl back up not meeting her eyes but staring intently at her lap, ears still flat back on his head.

She took a meager bite, but her stomach still felt tentative.

Inuyasha opened his mouth to say something, but slowly closed it again. His hands clenched and unclenched as he stared at the floor beside her.

His mouth opened again, and he took a breath, as if preparing to speak, but then closed it and exhaled slowly.

His eyes stared at the floor, flickering here and there, but not looking at her. His ears were still flat back against his head.

She reached for his hand, pulling his fingers from where they'd clenched into a fist.

"Whatever it is, you can say it," she said, rubbing her thumb over the callouses on his palm, and his eyes flicked to hers for just a moment, before returning to the floor. He was obviously struggling, and she set the bowl to the side to hold his hand with both of hers. His eyes followed the bowl, and he grimaced.

"Don't—" He started, still staring at the bowl. "You need to eat."

"Inuyasha," she started, and he quickly reached over with his free hand and handed the bowl back to her.

"You missed breakfast," he insisted, and she pulled her hands away from his, taking the bowl and a bite. Watching him though, he was tensed throughout his shoulders and he struggled with himself on saying whatever it was he wanted to say. It was difficult to watch, though he seemed to relax a little the more she ate.

Kagome watched him, even though he was currently staring at the floor beside her.

"Why are you so tense?" She asked, and he flicked his eyes up in a glare.

"Really?" He asked, and she shrugged slightly, wincing as it pulled on her abdomen slightly. "Shit, is it that bad?" His eyes darted over her, clearly watching and analyzing her movements for pain. The intensity of his stare was unnerving but welcome. At least he was looking at her again.

"Just when I move wrong. It doesn't hurt when I'm still. It's okay."

"Want me to get Kaede?"

"No, it's fine. Can we sit outside later or am I grounded?"

The look he gave her wasn't spiteful, but definitely bordered on heavily annoyed. And possibly irritated, but whatever retort he was about to make was interrupted by Shippo bursting in through the door flap.

"I knew it!" He sprinted towards her on all fours, leaping into the air, as a clawed hand wrapped around his tail. Shippo yelped loudly as physics swung him backwards slightly.

Inuyasha's growl reverberated around the room.

"What," he enunciated, the ending T leaving a sharp snap in the air, "have I fucking told you about jumping?"

"Don't?" Shippo squeaked.

"Then why are you still fucking doing it?"

"She's awake!" Shippo pointed a finger towards her. "And you wouldn't let us near her!" Shippo turned towards her, making grabbing motions with his hands.

Kagome looked at him, and then at Inuyasha whose gaze flickered between the two of them, but the longer she waited to speak the lower his ears got.

"It's okay, Shippo," Kagome said. "But I'm still a little sore, okay?"

Inuyasha unceremoniously dropped him on the floor, and he scurried towards her lap, curling up in a ball with a content sigh. She scratched at his scalp with a smile, looking up at Inuyasha, who had a strange look she couldn't quite place.

"You need to finish eating," Inuyasha commented, rising to his feet and walking towards the door.

It felt like a line had been crossed somewhere, but she didn't know when and where she'd done so, but she only had seconds to recover the lost terrain.

"Wait!" She called after him, and he stilled just before the mat in front of the door. "Will you sit with me outside later?"

Again, that look was back on his face, and something too fleeting for her human eyes to catch flickered across his face.

"Yeah," he answered in a sigh before walking out the door.

It seemed liked he'd resigned himself to some sort of fate, but she didn't like the despondent tone in his voice, and she didn't like the sudden sadness that seemed to encompass his person.

"Did I do something wrong?" She asked Shippo, who now nudged her bowl back up from where she held it out in front of her.

"I dunno. Why?"

"He seems a little off lately."

"It's Inuyasha. He's always weird."

She gently flicked his nose with her finger.

"Be nice."

"I am!"

A raised eyebrow made Shippo grumble something, wrinkling his nose at whatever was said.

"Tell me what happened last night."

"You snuck out," Shippo said, turning his own adorable glare at her. "Why would you do something like that?! It's dangerous, Kagome!"

"I know," she acknowledged.

"We were all really worried!" Shippo continued his rant, and Kagome ran her fingers through the fur on his tail.

"I know. I'm sorry," she apologized. "I didn't mean to make you worry."

Shippo rubbed his cheek against her chest as she hugged him.

"You should apologize to Inuyasha too," he reminded her. "He was worried."

"I will. Promise."

Shippo nodded again letting out a quiet sigh.

They sat for a while in Kaede's hut in the quiet silence of relief and forgiveness.


A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I did want to let you guys know that there will NOT be an update next week. It's Spring Break, and I need some time to catch myself up, since i haven't been able to write that much these past few weeks for varying health reasons. One of the big ones has been that my thyroid meds haven't been working (like at all). My last blood test earlier this month came in 7.2 (normal range is .4 to 4.5). But this explains the hair loss and extreme fatigue that I've been experiencing lately. Like I took a four hour nap Saturday, and another 3 hour nap Sunday, because I was that level of exhausted. So I need a week, and I hope that you all understand.

I will, however, be posting a chapter for "Ghost of Higurashi Shrine" on Saturday. I hope you all have an amazing week, and I'll see you all soon!