Chapter 60
Auribus teneo lupum
"Holding a wolf by the ears—Sometimes there are no perfect solutions or solutions at all"
"Being lost isn't the same
as being nowhere.
Being lost is worse
because there's the false hope
that you might be found."
—The Little Sleep
"Kouga," she whispered, and Inuyasha barely glanced at her, before Kouga stopped just in front of the group.
Something was wrong though. Something was off.
She took a look at him as he scanned each of them.
"What do you want, wolf shit?" Inuyasha snarled, holding his sword out.
And then he disappeared.
Only to reappear directly in front of her.
And in an instant she realized what the issue was, his eyes were black. All of it, except for his irises which were bright gold. Before she could take a breath to say anything, or before Inuyasha could move or flinch, Kouga landed a series of blows that her eyes couldn't follow and sent him flying. Flinching as blood sprayed across her face, she quickly turned towards his attacker.
They'd always fought, but it seemed more like play than actually fighting, like when two puppies were wrestling for fun.
But this was more than that. Kouga had never drawn blood before.
Her eyes alighted on Tetsusaiga on the ground in front of them.
"Inuy—!" She shouted, but the arm slung around her waist, knocked the wind out of her.
"Ka—!" was all her friends got out before she was gone.
Riding with Inuyasha felt like flying; she imagined that it was exactly what a bird felt when they went soaring through the air. But it never felt dangerous. He'd never ever let her feel the landings, and he always kept his grip firm on her; she never felt like she was going to fall off. She was never afraid of him. Period.
This—Kouga's grip felt tenuous at best. Like she was one bad step away from just falling out of his arm. Not to mention that they were going way faster than he'd ever run before. Kouga was fast, faster than anything she'd ever seen, except for maybe Sesshomaru, but this speed—this was unlike anything else.
"Kouga!" She called, too afraid to shift or move in case she was dropped, it felt like if she fell at this speed, she might not make it. "Kouga, please, stop!"
But he didn't. He didn't stop or slow down or do anything, and they were getting farther and farther from her friends—and Inuyasha.
Who'd been hurt badly enough to bleed.
She needed to check on him. She needed to find him.
What if he'd transformed? What if he attacked their friends? What if they couldn't get him to hold Tetsusaiga?
Everything felt like it was too tight and thin, and she needed to stop because she was definitely going to vomit any second now. Everything was moving too fast and too blurred as her eyes watered from the wind and the discomfort.
"Kouga!" She shouted again, bringing her hand up to her mouth as her stomach lurched. "Kouga, I'm gonna—"
And it was then that her stomach gave up the ghost and she retched off to the side, pretty sure that some of it wound up on her and him.
But he still didn't stop or do anything.
"Kouga, please!"
He wasn't listening to her, and she needed them to stop.
This was just like before. Just like before when they'd taken her away—
No.
No, this wasn't like before.
She wouldn't let it be like before. She would not be a victim twice.
Kagome summoned up her reiki in her hands, just enough to shock him. There was something wrong with Kouga. He wouldn't do this normally. She just needed to get him to stop, and then she could fix things and go help Inuyasha.
Kagome's reiki flowed into her hands, and she took a breath before slapping them against his thigh.
Kouga screeched, so high-pitched that it made her ears hurt, but his legs caught and they both tumbled to the ground.
She hit the hard earth, and that was it.
Whispers came first.
The pain came second.
She blinked, and her circumstances did not improve.
Rock stared at back at her. Dim and grey and immovable.
"Stop it!" Someone hissed behind her, and she rolled her head towards them.
Something—she should remember something—but her body felt like it had been pitched down a giant cratered field lined with glass and lava rock.
She didn't know what lava rock felt like, but she was like 95% sure that it would hurt if she landed on it.
Her brain felt scattered, like the wind was carrying her thoughts around, keeping them fluttering about and just out of reach.
"Stop this," someone whispered behind her. "Stop it! I don't—I won't—!"
She rolled her head, wincing at the subtle movement that shouldn't have hurt as much as it did.
Kouga sat curled up on himself, and she frowned. That wasn't like him. That wasn't like—
She scrambled back at the remembrance, crashing into the rock wall behind her. The cold, hard stone pressed against her back, sending chills down her spine.
She patted herself down, because the last time that she'd woken up in a strange place—she barely suppressed the sob in her chest. Thankfully, everything but that hurt. He hadn't—not that he would—well, she really didn't know him that well, did she?
He growled, and Kagome regained herself.
"Where are we?" She shouted, letting out a low moan as her own voice made her head throb.
"Don't know," he muttered, his claws gouging a set of lines down the stone floor beneath them.
In fact, now that she looked, there were claw marks everywhere. Some were higher and others were deeper.
Each set ran a different direction, like he'd been pacing or moving.
"How—how long have we been here?" She curled up towards the wall again, pressing herself against it firmly. The opening wasn't that far off. Maybe if she moved very slowly and very carefully, he wouldn't notice. He wasn't even looking at her right now.
"Don't know."
Another long scratch of claws into stone making a sound that rattled against her teeth. She shifted herself slowly a bit along the wall, stopping for a moment.
He didn't know where they were or how long they'd been there? Definitely not a good sign. It only reinforced her belief that something was indeed wrong with the wolf prince.
"Can you tell me what's wrong?"
Both of his hands slapped down against the ground as he snarled making her jump in response.
"I know," she swallowed, wincing at the dryness of her mouth. "I know that something's wrong—with you." She scooted another inch or two. "If you tell me, maybe I can help fix it."
"Can't," he whispered, shaking his head. "Can't fix it."
"Are you sick?"
"STOP IT!" He roared, punching the wall next to him so hard that the stone rumbled beneath her and sent her scattering a few feet as small pebbles tumbled down from the ceiling.
The sound of his panting drew her attention back to him.
"Kouga, I think—this place isn't safe. It's unstable. We need to leave."
"NO LEAVING!"
And then he was there, in front of her, a clawed hand grabbing the front of her shirt, and hauling her up so high that her feet swung uselessly.
His eyes glowed in the dimming light of the cave. They were gold, harsh and clashing with the black of his sclera. Her favorite pair of gold eyes were warm and deep; it felt like swimming in warm honey when she looked into them. These felt like citrine, cold and emotionless; they hurt to look at them.
Her hands grabbed his wrist, burning him with her reiki. He howled and threw her away from him.
Away from the opening, she lamented. But beyond that and the crack of her head against the stone wall, there wasn't much else.
"Kagome," a voice whispered. "I'm so sorry." Fingers wrapped around her hand, squeezing it. "I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to do it!"
"K—" She coughed out, already feeling the ache in her throat from no water.
"Kagome!" There was some scuttling around and water sloshed onto her face, making her flinch. "Here, I brought you some water." He propped her head up slightly bringing something rough to her lips.
It tasted awful and gritty, and she pushed it away after the first few sips.
Leave it to a youkai to not think about river dirt or sand.
"What happened?" She got out somewhat less raspy than she had before. But sand in her mouth was not a pleasant experience.
She pushed herself up, groaning at the throbbing in her head.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know," she said, wincing as she touched the back of her head. "Why did you throw me?"
"You wanted to leave," he answered firmly, like he believed his own words in some weird way, "and you can't. You're not allowed. You have to stay."
Kagome glanced at his shards, seeing the blackness swirling in them.
"I think it's the shards," she muttered, rubbing her forehead. "I can purify them, and that should stop it."
She reached a hand towards his legs, and he swiped at her with his claws, catching the fragile skin.
"NO!" He bellowed, eyes flickering between black and normal.
She clutched her bleeding hand to her chest, staring at him.
He gathered himself again, staring at her hand longingly.
"You can't take them," he said. "I've already tried digging them out myself. It won't let me."
"But I can purify them!"
"And what? Take my legs with it?"
"No! Just enough to keep the shards from—"
He shook his head.
"This is the one time I wish the mutt was here," he muttered. "Look, it wants me to hurt you. Badly." He winced as he thought about it. Clearly, not something he wanted to fully share with her.
"Who? Who does?"
"I'd wager it's—" He grimaced, eyes flickering between colors, as he snarled loudly into the cave, until he finally took a breath and gasped for air. "It's gotta be Naraku. He's just fucking with me now." He put a hand to his face, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "I need you to—" He struggled to get the words out, "to run, Kagome."
"But why?"
The look he gave her was of utter exasperation.
"I can fix it! I can help!"
"It takes over. I can't control what I do! If I kill you, I won't be able to live with myself." He grabbed onto her arm, holding her in place as she reached for him.
"Do you remember what happens when you're—not you?"
He swallowed, nodding.
"Mostly." He swallowed and looked away from her. "I think that he wants me to remember parts of it at least."
So it wasn't entirely like Inuyasha's transformation. Kouga still remembered some of it.
"I need you to go," his voice was firm and quiet.
Kagome started at the request. It was wildly out of character. Kouga always strived to be around her as much as possible. At times, she thought that he did just to make Inuyasha mad.
"You're my friend, and I can't—"
"Kagome, listen. I can feel it fighting me for control. I need you to run away before it—There's a stream where I won't be able to track you. Go somewhere, find the mutt, and stay the hell away from me, okay?" He released her arms.
"But I can't let you sit here, and—"
He snarled, cutting off her tirade, as his eyes flicked from gold to blue, rapidly, bleeding the colors together at times.
"I need you to go, now!" He shouted, throwing himself against the wall away from her as his eyes flickered again. He took several deep heaving breaths as his face contorted, showing off his fangs. His elongated claws dug deep into the stone, leaving menacing gouges behind.
"I don't know where we are," she whispered. "I don't know how—"
"Look, the mutt's gotta be tracking—" He interrupted as another surge of energy swelled up, and he grit his teeth together to fight it off. "I'll hold it off as long as I can. Get to the stream and run." He leaned forward onto his hands. "Go, please," he begged her.
"But—," she whimpered, looking out at the darkening woods around the little cave.
"I'll do what I can to slow myself down," he said solemnly and with a small, sad smile on his face that concerned her even more. "For you."
He turned towards the wall, took a breath before swinging his head into the stone with an echoing crack.
"Kouga!" She shouted, her voice shrill and scared.
"Go!" Another sickening crack against the rock as blood sprayed across the floor.
She watched for another beat before letting out a sob and running out the cave.
Ducking under the branches, she ran as fast as her tired and abused body would let her.
Kouga was her friend, and he needed her help!
He'd also hurt her. Twice. But that wasn't really his fault either! He was obviously under some sort of spell or tainted shards, and—
Stumbling over a root, she yelped, crashing into the soft forest floor. Pushing herself up to her hands and knees, she listened for the sound of anything following her, and when nothing answered, she picked herself back up again, heading in the direction that she hoped the stream was in.
She was desperately out of shape, and it showed. Her legs burned and so did her chest, and the back of her head still throbbed like someone had moved her heart to just behind her brain. In short, Kagome wanted to stop.
Actually, Kagome just wanted Inuyasha.
A low rumbling came from above her, and what she'd assumed was the approaching nightfall, was, in fact, not.
Dark gray clouds hovered overhead, and there was a stillness in the trees that bothered her. It felt like the storm had become a predator, and she had no way to defend herself.
She just had to keep moving and find the stream, and hide until she could figure out how to help Kouga without getting killed in the process.
She could do this.
She would do this.
Picking up her pace, she ran towards the sound of water. Her feet pounding into the soft earth, even though her whole body jolted with every step. It was only when a drop struck her cheek that she realized the sounds she'd been listening to were indeed water, but the wrong kind. It was just starting to sprinkle now, when a low growl came from behind her.
Barely able to finish spinning around, her back slammed into the nearest tree trunk, knocking every bit of air from her lungs and cracking her already throbbing head into the bark. Kouga's black and gold eyes stared at her, still and focused like a predator, despite the blood that was smeared cross the entirety of his visage.
She wasn't fast enough. It was a fool's errand to begin with; she never had a chance.
"Kouga," she started, feeling her eyes water. "Kouga, it's me. It's Kagome. Please," she begged, as his claws dug into the soft flesh of her arms, making her whimper and her eyes water.
He watched her carefully, eyes perusing over her at arm's length, and Kagome had no doubts that she was his prey first and foremost.
"Kouga, stop. You don't want to do this," she whispered. This felt familiar, too familiar. It was a thing that she'd sworn to herself that she wouldn't remember ever.
She could feel the shards pulsating within his legs, but she didn't dare drop her gaze to look at them. They felt dark enough to her senses.
They were the problem, and if she could just get them out, then—
He leaned forward, towards her face, as a slow predatory grin broke out across his visage. She reached out a hand to stop him, but his grip tightened, digging his claws in deeper, and he snapped his fangs right next to her throat in warning.
Last time she'd been in a similar position, it had been hands around her throat.
It wants me to hurt you, he'd said. And right now, Kagome believed every word he'd said. Because if that was the goal, then he'd completed it already.
"I—I know you're in there. Fight it, Kouga. Please, fight it." Tears ran down her face, and she blinked trying to get him to look at her. "I'm not strong enough to stop you."
The wolf demon pulled back slightly, claws retracting from her skin, letting her drop to the forest floor on unsteady legs with only the tree as support. Her fingers ran over the rough bark as trails of blood soaked into her sleeve making it stick to her skin as it bloomed across her shirt.
He stared at his hands, the red claws specifically, coated in a thin viscous layer of blood. Hers mostly. He was panting, mouth open, but he wasn't out of breath, it was almost like he was scenting the air. Taking a small step to the side, she started to move herself around the tree and away from him.
Just let him regain himself enough to come back and let her escape. The stream couldn't be that far away now. She just had to move slow enough that he didn't pay any attention to her, and then once she was out of his sight, then she could run for her life, like he'd told her to do in the first place.
She edged away, trying to hold her breath as much as she possibly could.
He was still staring at his hands, eyes shifting so carefully over them. But she was going to take the distraction while it was available to her.
Keeping herself slow and measured, she moved away more and more, keeping her eyes on Kouga's.
Taking a cautious step backwards, Kagome was feeling more and more confident that Kouga would let her go and let her escape.
His eyes snapped to her, and she was keenly aware of the futility of it all as she spun on her foot and sprinted into the trees.
She barely made it a single step before claws wrapped around her throat, tossing her casually back into the tree she'd just fled from. Before she could even register that he'd knocked the wind out of her, his claws were digging into her neck and nearly crushing her windpipe, leaving her to wheeze in barely enough air to retain her focus.
His face leaned in closer so that their foreheads were also touching, but she could still make out that predatory grin cracking out across his face.
"Kouga," she rasped, hands clutching his wrist and forearm carefully. "Please."
His youki thrashed around them, making her almost nauseated at how strong and dark it had become in such a short time.
He didn't move, and he didn't respond to anything that she was saying.
No leaving.
So was he just toying with her?
Did wolves even play with their food or was this a special torment just for her?
"If I promise not to leave," she took a ragged breath, tilting her head to try and alleviate the pressure, "will you let me go?"
She could wait. She could play the waiting game with. Inuyasha would come for her. He would be here soon; she knew it. She knew that he would come for her. He always came for her.
But he wasn't here now, and she had to make sure that she stayed alive and relatively unhurt, which was becoming more and more difficult as things progressed.
The rain, which grew into a steady beat around her, would make the tracking all the more difficult.
His nose ran along the line of her cheekbone, and she couldn't tilt her head any farther away from him.
"Please, I don't want to hurt you."
She could do it. She could just zap him to make him let her go, but she didn't want to hurt him, especially since this wasn't really his fault. He was being controlled, manipulated, and he would hate himself for this later, she just knew it.
"Don't make me do it," she begged him.
The clawed fingers of his free hand slid slowly down her torso, drifting along her sides, and she wriggled away from them.
Inuyasha would never hurt her, even transformed, but Kouga? Kouga had already proven that he could and that he would without hesitation.
"Please," Kagome begged, "stop."
And they did, when they reached the waistband of her pants.
Look, it wants me to hurt you. Badly.
Badly.
Kagome's eyes widened, and she kicked her legs out at him. This would not happen to her! Not again! Not at the hands of a friend!
"Stop!" She screamed, as the hand crushing her throat lessened some as he tore the button off the front of her jeans.
Her foot made direct contact with his leg, but it felt like she was kicking a brick wall with some skin on it. There was no give, and Kouga didn't even register a reaction to the blow.
A growl rumbled through him as he pressed his body against hers, something horribly familiar pressing up between her legs through the varied layers of clothing.
She couldn't—
She couldn't let him do this to her.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
Just a small zap. Just enough to bring him to his senses and let her go.
His youki swirled, almost focusing itself, and she lost her focus for just a moment before his teeth snapped into her shoulder, and all she could do was scream and let go of it all.
A/N: I'm sorry this is so late. We started final exams today, and this morning was the ultimate struggle in getting out of bed. I've already said goodbye to my seniors and now it's just the juniors that are left.
For this chapter, I really tried to balance out her trauma and her reaction to said trauma against her compassion for someone who is obviously hurting, which was harder than I thought. Not to mention trying to bring out the fact that Kouga really isn't in possession of his own faculties right now, while still showing the obvious changes from the shards.
Let me know what you think about it!
