Chapter 66
Mens rea
"Guilty mind"
"Survival had its price: guilt"
—Salt to the Sea
"Kagome," Kouga wheezed. He staggered a step towards her, before his charred legs gave out on him.
"Kouga!" She ran to him, reaching out to stop him from falling face first into the ground.
She caught him with an arm around his but felt the soft slide of skin and blood over her fingers, and she glanced down, realizing that his flesh and muscle was sloughing off in chunks, revealing the gleaming white of the bone underneath.
She let go in a panic, only to scramble to regain her hold to stop him from falling forward.
"Kouga! What happened?"
He gingerly braced himself on the ground, nearly completely collapsed.
"You," he wheezed. "You did this."
Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.
"I—I'm—"
Her stomach rolled as he spat up blood.
"You did this," he repeated, but the repetition didn't lessen the sting of the words themselves. "You left me."
"I'm sorry!" She sobbed. "You told me to run!"
"I thought you liked me," he mumbled, body slowly lowering to the ground.
"We are! We are friends!"
"Friends," he breathed into the dust with a a heartless laugh. "Don't leave me to die."
"Kouga?" She asked, as the wolf demon became very still in the dirt, but she was afraid to touch him. Skin hung off in thick cords, and everything looked so sensitive to the touch. "Kouga?"
His blue eyes slowly rose to meet hers, and he took in a shuddering breath.
"You did this," he breathed, and she waited for an inhale that didn't come.
"No!" She sat upright, reaching out for where the wolf had just been. But he was gone, and she was disoriented.
The nausea and rising bile, however, were not disoriented at all, and she felt her body lurch as she scrambled to get herself untangled from whatever was holding her, fighting her really, because she was going to vomit and preferred to do it somewhere that wasn't where she was sleeping.
The was a soft grunt as whatever it was let go, and then the sharp protest of her ankle as she took a hard step on it.
The rain was still falling heavily outside, and she didn't care as she barely made it around the corner before everything she'd ever eaten spewed out of her.
There was a shout, but the sound of it was lost on her as her stomach revolted once again.
Something warm draped over her, and Kagome felt a strong arm loop under her, supporting her as she clung to the rock wall beside her.
When her stomach had stopped heaving up nothing but bile and air, she started to stand upright, only to have something firm stop her.
"You done?" Inuyasha asked, and she nodded as his other arm came around her to help move her back into their current shelter. She hadn't realized that Inuyasha had draped himself over her to block the rain.
Except they didn't move, and it took her a moment to realize that he'd cupped a handful of water for her to swish and spit, and she was positive that she'd never love a person more because of it. When she'd spat the water out, he twisted them around taking the couple of steps back into the cave and out of the rain.
Sango and Miroku both helped her limp back inside as Inuyasha shook himself off.
"Sorry," she mumbled as Miroku helped her sit back down on her sleeping bag.
"Think nothing of it," he said. "Are you feeling alright now?"
Miroku stepped back as Inuyasha reappeared back at her side, kneeling down beside her.
"Yeah," she sighed, not looking up at him. Her fingers ran over her nails, and his hand curled around hers.
He didn't call her on it, but she knew that he knew that she was not okay.
And she was fine with that. Miroku reappeared, holding a bottle of water out to her, and she took it as Sango checked the wrap on her ankle, gently pressing against the tender and bruised flesh.
"Don't look at me like that," Inuyasha scowled, and Kagome glanced up to notice that he was glowering at Sango, who was glowering right back.
He let go of her fingers, and she quickly snatched his hand between hers before he could drag it away.
She needed him close.
That dream—it was just a lot to process, and she was still so tired.
She should tell them to look for Kouga when the rain stopped. The weight of her grief—it was just too much.
Even though she didn't want to see him.
Or separate from her friends.
It was difficult. She knew what she should do, but she didn't want to do it.
His fingers wrapped back around hers, and he settled back into a sitting position.
"You okay?" He asked, and she nodded once, afraid to speak. "Keh," he scoffed. "Don't say you are if you aren't." He shifted back against the wall. "You all should go back to sleep. It's still early."
Kagome didn't want to go back to sleep, but she didn't want to be awake either.
"Inuyasha's right. This rain won't hold out forever, and we will need to be well-rested to travel." He patted Shippo on the head, who was watching them carefully, as he settled back down into his blankets. "Come now, Shippo. Everything is fine."
"I'd say call if you need anything, but," she let the sentence drift off, looking past her towards Inuyasha, as she stood up and returned to her own bedding and Kirara.
Kagome looked at Inuyasha for some clarification, but his face looked strangely flushed.
"Inuyasha?" She asked, and he huffed through his nose.
"Go back to bed, Kagome," he said quickly, shifting to hold the sleeping bag open for her to slip under. Shifting so that she could tuck herself in, Inuyasha surprised her by doing that exact thing. She glanced over her shoulder, checking to see if Sango or Miroku were paying any attention to them. Both of them had their backs turned, which was a little strange, but she wasn't going to question it.
Inuyasha started to move back towards the wall, but she quickly snagged his wrist, tugging on it slightly. She didn't want him to go. She wanted to feel safe again.
"Stay?" She whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere," he countered.
"No," she whispered with a shake of her head, "here," tugging at his wrist until he shifted closer to her. "Like last night?"
She just wanted to feel safe and like she hadn't betrayed a friend.
He glanced across the fire again, as if checking to make sure that he wasn't being watched.
Right, because this was embarrassing for him. It was embarrassing to be seen with her.
Like this.
With a heavy sigh, he stretched his legs out beside her own, before shifting so that he rested on his side next to her. She moved in closer, hesitantly, because she didn't want to humiliate him even more, but she needed this. She needed the comfort and the closeness; she wanted a hug. She wanted to cry.
His arm and sleeve draped over her, and she tugged herself closer to him, feeling the same arm move to accommodate her.
Her face was buried into his chest, and after a deep breath, she felt her eyes begin to water even as she clamped them closed, ordering them mentally to stop.
Nothing had happened. It wasn't like that had happened to her. Again.
She shouldn't be upset about any of it.
It wasn't like Kouga was in his right mind. Someone was controlling Kouga, and he couldn't help that. He wouldn't have done anything if he'd been normal.
But she didn't have to—to—to fry him like that either though. She'd just let loose on him, and—ugh, the smell was still there in her nostrils. Even as she took a long sniff of Inuyasha, she could still smell that lingering odor of burnt and singed flesh.
It's like no matter what she did, it was permanently ingrained into her nostrils. Always there and reminding her of what she did.
She sniffled, feeling one eye run over with tears. Inuyasha's arm tightened around her, pulling her closer, and his other shifted under her head, wrapping around her as well. It was both comforting and painful, because she wanted him to want it, and clearly, he had to be forced into laying beside her.
It was only by sheer will that she kept her crying silent.
The sun could go to hell.
So could the birds.
She wanted none of it.
Her ankle was throbbing, and so was everything else.
And she didn't want to be awake either.
Because that meant that they would have to travel, and she didn't want to leave the little safe nest that she'd made for herself.
Inuyasha made some sort of grunting noise before pressing his nose firmly into her hair and squeezing her tightly against him.
She turned her face back into him, trying to blind herself from the sun and the noise.
It was clear the moment that he was awake though. His nose lifted from her head, and felt his legs stretch out besides hers.
His claws lightly scratched just below her ear for a moment before he started to shift away slowly, pulling his arm from her waist and trying to lift her arm from his own. She doubled down, unwilling to leave her safety-safe just yet, and tugged her arm out of his hand and then pulled herself closer to him with a whine. There was a soft sigh from him, but he didn't try to move her again.
"We have to get up," he murmured, just loud enough for her to hear it.
"It's safe," she mumbled into his chest.
There was a long silence after that where he didn't say anything and didn't move, and Kagome briefly wondered if she'd somehow offended him or said something that infringed on his feelings for her.
But she didn't want to let go.
"I need to go hunt," he added after a moment. "You need food."
No, she didn't need food. She needed someone to hold her and tell her that she did what she had to and that didn't make her a bad person.
"Stay," she mumbled. "Not hungry."
"You need to eat," he argued, but he was wrong. She'd eat when she was hungry, and she'd had food. Yesterday, even. "Kagome, I'm not going to let you starve."
She whined in the back of her throat as her argument, but it was not enough to stop him or the day.
"Inuyasha, I just said that the wind looked like it was blowing hard today," Kagome explained as he thrust her arm through a sleeve of his haori.
He grunted, glancing up at her for only a moment as he shoved her other arm in the other sleeve. He tugged it closed around her, tucking the edges in to make sure that she was completely covered.
"I'm really—you don't have to give me this," she held her arms up slightly to gesture to his haori.
"Don't be stupid, Kagome," he grumbled as she sat on her sleeping bag.
She sighed, and Shippo climbed up into her lap. Sango had changed all her bandages, and wiped the cut on her head clean before reapplying cream. She'd commented that everything looked much better, even the wound on her shoulder.
Miroku had taken off earlier on Kirara to survey the land, looking for a hot spring or a small village that potentially might have a healer.
Shippo tugged on her hand, and she smiled at him as she stroked his hair and his tail.
"Are you feeling okay?" He asked, reaching up to place a hand to her cheek.
"I'm not sick," she reassured him, but Shippo didn't seem so easily convinced, judging by the mini-scowl forming on his little face.
He really was acting like a mini-Inuyasha.
"You should rest until Miroku gets back," Shippo told her.
"Isn't that what I'm doing?" She asked him, and he frowned up at her. "After all, someone won't let me help pack up my bag," she said, shifting her eyes to glance at Inuyasha, who scoffed quietly as he folded things up to place inside. Sango was smothering the fire with a bottle of water she'd fetched from the stream earlier.
A roar came from outside the cave, and a few moments later, Miroku appeared in the entrance with Kirara trailing after him. Shippo handed her a bottle of water. She hadn't asked for one, and she really wasn't thirsty.
"Thanks, Shippo," she said as he climbed back into her lap.
"What did you find?" Sango asked him.
"There's a hot spring to the north of here. There's a village not too far from there as well. It looks like a good sized one too."
"You going to be ready to head back out?" Inuyasha asked, moving away from her bag and back towards her.
"Of course," Miroku said with a smile, turning his gaze to Kagome. "Are you cold?" He asked, his smile faltering a little bit.
"I'm fine," she answered as Inuyasha tried to hide the fact that he was checking her over.
Miroku gave her a nod, and it was a few moments later that they—they being everyone else—decided that they were ready to leave. Inuyasha picked her up off her sleeping bag, and Miroku quickly stepped in to roll it up and put it with her things that Sango was putting on Kirara.
Shippo jumped onto Inuyasha's shoulder, and he growled at the kit.
"Off. Go ride with Kirara."
"But I wanna ride with Kagome," Shippo whined.
Before Kagome could say a word to the contrary, Inuyasha made a short growl, and Shippo leapt down from his shoulder. When he took his seat on Kirara, however, he made sure to scowl and stick out his tongue.
"I can ride on your back," Kagome offered.
"You don't need to strain your shoulder," he countered, shifting her weight so that she was turned towards him a bit more. "And there'll be wind."
It was then that Kagome realized that holding her like this was more for his benefit than it was for her. His grip was firm but remaining gentle; he held her close, like it was a reassurance.
He needed her, and she needed him.
"I'm okay," she reminded him, and he scoffed.
"Keh, I know that," he answered. She hummed, resting her head on his shoulder as they walked outside into the sunlight. "You still tired?" He asked her quietly as Sango and Miroku situated themselves.
"Maybe just a little."
He grunted at that.
"Ready?" He called over to them as he let Kirara get airborne before he started running on the ground. Inuyasha followed just behind Kirara as she led the way to the hot spring.
Wouldn't it be easier for them to follow through the tree tops?
That was how they usually followed Kirara through the forests.
"You can jump if you want," she told him. "It's not going to bother me."
"Harder for you to sleep though," he said as he took a glance up through the trees.
"I'm okay," she answered, and he snorted.
"Go to sleep, Kagome," he told her. "I'll wake you when we're close."
She was tired, but she also felt guilty. It took her several seconds to muster up the courage to say what needed to be said and what she'd been avoided saying since she'd been found.
"We should find Kouga."
"No," Inuyasha snapped back. "You're not going anywhere near him ever again."
"I just left him out there though."
"Kouga will survive; he's tough." Inuyasha leapt up into the trees almost angrily.
"But—"
"No!" His arms tightened their grip, pressing her closer. "He's got those two idiot lackeys, and it doesn't take a full-youkai long to heal."
"I told him I would bring help, and I didn't."
"Don't—" Inuyasha stopped speaking for a moment and seemed to be trying to process his thoughts. "Don't feel guilty." She could see his Adam's apple bob in his throat. "You said that Kouga told you to run away. That meant he wanted you to leave no matter what." He made a long leap between trees, landing on a branch for a fraction of a second before continuing.
"What if he's still there?"
"Kagome, stop. He's fine. You said he wasn't dead."
"It still doesn't make me feel good though. We should check on him."
"No." His voice was firm and unrelenting. It was a tone that he didn't use with her, not even at the beginning. He'd been firm with her before, but that didn't have the same edge to it.
She didn't press it any further, letting him carry her to wherever they were going.
But being quiet about it didn't make the guilt go away.
Inuyasha landed in a clearing with a hot spring, and Kagome was eager to bathe and wash away everything.
She wanted to feel clean again and scrub herself down. Sango was already setting her bag beside the steaming waters.
"Bring her here," she said, already digging through the bag.
Kagome looked up at his face, when his grip on her tightened ever so slightly. He continued towards the water anyway, stooping down next to Sango.
She took a long breath as he let her sit on the rock next to the steaming water.
"Miroku is already setting up wards with Shippo," Sango said. "We'll be safe here."
His arm remained wrapped around her shoulders, and she reached up to grab onto his fingers. His immediately wrapped around hers in response, holding onto her tightly.
He looked up at Sango, and Kagome watched him scowl at the trees surrounding them.
"Kirara is here, too. You can run a perimeter to double check," Sango offered, but Inuyasha only scowled harder. "We won't get in until you're sure it's safe."
She was sure that if he kept it up that he was going to start growling any second. He was already hunching over her more and more.
Squeezing his hand, she brought him out of his thoughts just enough that she dragged him back into the present.
"I'll be safe with Sango here," the minuscule twitch of emotions on his face belied how he felt about that statement. "I know you want to go do a sweep of the woods."
He snapped his gaze away from her.
"It would make you feel better."
"I'm not leaving you here!" He snapped then grimacing. She slid her other hand over his, holding them between, and his hand on her shoulder tightened just enough that she could feel it.
She knew that he wanted to run a lap around the camp, like he always did, just to make sure that there were no surprises while they were resting. He'd be even more anxious if he didn't get to do that, and then she would be anxious that he was anxious.
"It's okay. You're not abandoning me. You're making sure that we're safe, that's all." Kagome squeezed his hand again, and she could see the conflict in his eyes. "It'll be okay, Inuyasha. We can't be afraid forever, right?"
"You're sure you're gonna be okay?" He asked her.
"Yeah. I'll be safe until you get back. Sango's here, and Kirara. They're not going to let anything happen."
He grunted at her statement, eyes flickering between the trees. He looked at Sango for a long second, before sighing.
"Fine," he said. "I'll run a lap. You don't get in there until I make sure it's safe."
"Yeah, of course," she said, giving him a small nod.
He tipped towards her, almost like a sway before he righted himself and cleared his throat, letting go of her hand and withdrawing his arm around her shoulders.
"Say a fucking word," Inuyasha growled out at Sango, but when she looked back at Sango, she merely shrugged as if she didn't know what was happening. He leapt off into the trees.
"What was that about?" Kagome asked her, and Sango shrugged, leaning forward to unwrap her ankle.
"You know how Inuyasha is," she mumbled, shifting to allow Kagome to soak her ankle while the others made sure the area was safe.
She did, but that wasn't really answering the question, was it? But she didn't think much of it as soon as the warm water hit her ankle and soothed the dull, throbbing ache that had settled there since this morning. Kagome sighed, the relief melting into her bones.
A/N: Happy Thursday!
The good news is that I'm much better than I was a few weeks ago. My weight was stabilized, and while I'm not eating as much as I used to, I'm eating much more, and the nausea has abated for the most part. Thanks so much for being so understanding. I really like posting every week, and I know that you guys look forward to it each week. But being sick this summer just sucked the life out of me. Like there was a conversation that we had about the potential of a feeding tube if I couldn't stabilize my weight loss and eat a sustainable amount of food. Thankfully, that didn't happen.
I think for the next month or so, I'm going to publish every other week, just so I don't overwhelm myself while I'm trying to recoup before the start of school, and hopefully by the start of September, I can pick back up on the regular schedule. Again, I really appreciate you guys for being so great and all the well wishes. It means so much to me!
But as for the story, we're about to start the arc that I'm really pumped about, so I hope that you guys enjoy it as much as I'm hoping you do!
I hope you all have been well, and I hope that you're staying cool and hydrated! As always, let me know what you think!
