Chapter 80
Spero meliora
"I hope for better things"
"People who are afflicted by
sickness or poverty or love or thirst
or any other unsatisfied desires
are prone to anger and easily roused"
—Rhetoric
"Inuyasha!" Miroku said, quietly but firmly, shaking his shoulder. "You need to get up!"
His brain felt like it was moving through molasses, and he couldn't quite figure out what all the rush was about.
And then his head alighted on the one thing that really mattered.
Kagome!
He jolted, pushing himself up and staring around Miroku at the girl on the floor.
"She's fine," Miroku said, hand on his shoulder. "The healer is coming, and we need to move you back behind the screen."
Inuyasha rubbed his face, glaring at Miroku.
"I know, but Kagome needs her."
Miroku looped his arm around his neck, hauling him up to his wobbling feet. Sango was quickly gathering up his blanket, and both Shippo and Kirara darted in behind the screen where he'd been sleeping.
If there was any good news it was that his legs felt steadier than before. He almost didn't need the monk as a crutch anymore.
And then he could go see Kagome whenever he wanted.
Go get her things.
Help take care of her.
Miroku lowered him back against the wall, but he helped brace himself.
"You seem to be getting stronger," Miroku commented looking over his shoulder at Shippo. "Make sure that you stay here."
"I know," Shippo grumbled, moving around Miroku to climb into Inuyasha's lap. "You say the same thing every time." Shippo draped himself over Inuyasha's thigh, and Kirara chirped before trotting over and rubbing herself along his other leg. He reached out a clawed hand, scratching her fur.
"Well, it's not without merit. You know how important this is for Kagome."
"I know," Shippo whined back at him, and Inuyasha lightly patted his back.
Miroku rose to his feet with a sigh.
"I'll let you know when it's safe to come out."
And with that he left the small little cage that he'd created out of privacy screens leaving the three youkai—well, two and half, he supposed—behind in his wake.
Kirara crawled up into his lap, curling up next to Shippo.
"You too?" He mumbled, but the fire cat only mewled softly in response.
"Good afternoon," Miroku greeted as the door slid open.
There was a soft sound made, and the door shut behind the footsteps. He could see that bitch's face already, sneering at him like he was every bit the half-breed he really was.
He knew that Sango and Miroku didn't see him that way, but it felt like they were ashamed of him in some way, squirreling him away in the corner, hidden from view. He knew that it wasn't like that, and he only went along with it quietly because Kagome needed help. She—she was in bad shape. Worse shape than he's seen, and he hadn't even seen all of it, which made his chest hurt.
He just couldn't grasp why it was taking so long for him to heal and recover. His body had never taken this long before.
Maybe it did have something to do with that poison Miroku was talking about.
Maybe it was because they'd left him human for however fucking long.
He didn't know for sure, but he did know that he was fucking useless right now except for being able to merely exist.
And apparently act as a chair and a bed for everyone else except for the one person he actually wanted sprawled across him.
The women had started to work, sending Miroku out to fetch their errands.
"How often has her nose bled?" The healer asked, sounding as though she were only half-listening.
"None, actually."
There was a beat of silence.
"None?" She asked again. But there was no response to her question. She must've nodded.
Why couldn't they talk like fucking normal people so he could hear?
"Well, that's definitely a change." A pause. "Though it would not appear that her fever has abated at all."
She dragged something along the floor.
"I've brought more tea and salve, but if she can't overcome her fever soon, there will be—effects that no one can fix."
"Effects like what?"
"She'll be," there was a long pause before she continued, "addled. For lack of a better term. I've never seen anyone come back from a fever like this without some hindrances in their lives afterwards."
That news felt like Sesshomaru's hand through his gut.
Kagome might not be the same.
But she was doing better—marginally, but better.
Sango had even said that she was doing better! She'd said that there was an improvement!
"What else can we do?"
"We've done everything that I can think of," she said with a sigh. "At this point, you may want to consider how to best handle her— well, afterward."
"The afterward?" Sango asked, but Inuyasha knew what she meant. She was saying that Kagome wasn't going to make it and any scenario where Kagome wasn't going to make it was not an acceptable one. It wasn't even in the realm of consideration.
"Inuyasha, we have to be quiet!" Shippo whispered, as Inuyasha realized that a low growl was emanating from him. "If she knows we're here, she'll leave!"
"Good! She should!" He barked out, reveling in the gasp from the other woman. "It's not like she's fucking useful!"
"The dog is awake?" She asked quietly, and Inuyasha, for one, wasn't going to be disappointed that she sounded fearful.
"He just woke up! Earlier!" Sango quickly countered. "He's just worried! We all are!"
"You allow him to stay inside with the priestess?" She asked. "How do you know he's not feeding off of her to survive?"
He started climbing to his feet, digging his claws into the wall to help pull himself up—because he was going to confront her on two feet like a fucking person.
Because then maybe she'd take him seriously. Maybe she'd actually semi-respect him.
But then again maybe not.
He dragged himself by his claws to his feet, panting and feeling his body shake under the strain of standing on his own.
"Inuyasha!" Shippo hissed, trying to help steady him by grabbing his calf. "Inuyasha, stop!"
"I ain't fucking killing her!" Inuyasha snapped, taking a shambling step away from the wall, knocking the privacy screen to the floor.
The healer gasped, scrambling backwards into the wall.
"Youkai can't be trusted! You saw what they did to our village!" The healer shouted, pointing a finger at him as he wobbled on his feet. Sango seemed torn over what to do and who to console or help.
"I didn't do any of that!"
"No, but your kind did! Your kind destroys lives! Nothing good ever came from a youkai!"
"Quiet!" Sango bellowed, her voice echoing in the small space. "You—you—you bigot!" The healer for once looked equally concerned about the both of them. "You have no right—no right—to say anything about who's life has worth and who's doesn't. Inuyasha has done more good for more people than you will probably ever do! So don't you dare act like you're better than him just because you're human and he's not!"
The woman stayed quiet for the moment, and Inuyasha could feel his legs trembling beneath him, but he fought his body's desire to rest, proving he had some merit to him.
The woman stayed quiet for a beat before slowly pushing herself up.
"I think I will—"
She squeaked as the door slid open quickly, and Miroku stood in the entry, eyes darting around to each of them.
"I assume that I have missed some critical events?" He asked, holding onto something in his hands.
"I think I will take my leave if I am no longer needed."
"Ah yes, of course. But please remember that the headman has specifically instructed for you to help us until our priestess has recovered," Miroku said, flashing her his typical smile.
A look of something flashed across her face, and she gave him a curt nod before roughly picking up her basket and hurrying out the door, slamming it shut behind her.
The moment the door slammed though, Inuyasha's body gave out and he slumped onto the floor, barely catching himself from face planting into the wooden slats.
"Inuyasha!" Sango said, scrambling towards him as he propped himself up on a hand.
"I'm fine," he grumbled as both Miroku and Sango helped him up and over to Kagome's side. At least they knew what he really wanted.
"Of course," Miroku said, letting him down slowly. He left to go do something else, and Inuyasha couldn't force himself to look away from Kagome. "I see that things didn't go as planned," he commented. He didn't sound angry, but Inuyasha felt his ears lower into his hair, because he'd fucked up. He'd fucked up so bad.
Kagome needed help, and he'd gotten pissy and scared off the one person that could actually help her after all.
"She was being awfully judgmental towards youkai," Sango added, and Inuyasha slid his hand over Kagome's, wrapping his fingers around hers.
"Ah," was all that he said. Nothing else, just a slight murmur of understanding.
"We didn't get to changing her bandages," Sango sighed. "I'll need some help, Inuyasha, if you think that you'll be able to do it."
Inuyasha gave a nod, running his thumb over her fingers.
"Alright, let me go collect some supplies and then we'll start."
There was a light pat to his shoulder, and then the sound of Sango standing and disappearing.
"I'll take Shippo outside for a bit. We'll fold what laundry is ready."
Inuyasha glanced out at the door as Miroku rose, sliding the door open.
"Shippo, come help," Miroku called, and Shippo bounded out as Miroku slowly closed the doors. "Call when you're ready," he said, firmly shutting the door after him.
Inuyasha looked at Sango for some sort of direction, still holding onto her fingers. Setting down her small basket of stuff, she placed a hand on his shoulder.
"You're sure you can do this?"
"Keh, 'course I can. Just tell me what you need me to do."
Sango gave him an odd look before shifting to where Kagome's head rested.
"I'll wrap the bandages if you'll just help hold her upright. I'll do everything else." She moved slightly to the side, motioning for him to take her place. "Just let me know if it gets to be too much, okay?"
"I can handle it," he grumbled back at her.
Sango quietly instructed him on lifting her off the bedding and keeping her supported with his body.
"Won't that hurt her burns?" He asked, scooting forward as Sango slid her arms under Kagome's neck and shoulders.
"Her back wasn't burned, just her chest and arms."
Sango began unwinding the bandages, and Inuyasha buried his face into the crown of her head. He wanted so badly to wrap his arms around her and pull her tightly against himself like he had that night that they'd been alone.
Which now felt like decades ago.
How had he ever managed to let her go in the first place? He should've held tight, told her to stay put, that they weren't going, and then—then this wouldn't have happened.
She wouldn't be here near death—again—because he didn't have the balls to tell her no.
Sango worked quietly without saying anything as she pulled away Kagome's bandages. He wanted to see, but he also didn't want to see what she looked like, how much damage had been done to her fragile human body, how many more lily white scars would litter her skin now.
He'd still love her. He'd love her forever, even if she had a few scars.
But he didn't know that he'd ever be able to forgive himself.
How could he?
"I'm going to apply the salve now," she said. "Sometimes she—she makes noise. I'm being as gentle as I can, okay?"
He nodded, clenching his eyes shut as tightly as he could.
Kagome didn't move, but he could hear Sango applying the salve to her skin.
A raspy high-pitched whimper escaped her, and he didn't think that his ears would go any lower, but they somehow did.
"I know," Sango said, keeping her voice low. "But this is to help your burns. They already look so much better than a few days ago. The blisters are almost completely gone now."
Inuyasha felt the low whine build up in his throat, and he tried to smother it before it escaped, but he couldn't help it.
"Almost done," Sango said. "I just have to wrap the bandages. That's all."
His hands trembled, fighting against the urge to press her against him, feel the weight of her body against his. But he had to keep a gap between them, something to allow Sango to work, wrapping the bandages around her torso.
Her knuckles grazed his bare abdomen as she worked, and he only lifted his head when Sango announced that she was done.
"I need to rewrap her arms. Do you want to set her down, or do you want to continue holding her?"
He knew in an instant what he wanted, but he wasn't sure if he should ask for it with everything that had happened.
"It would be easier if she stayed propped up while I worked. It also seems to help her breathe a bit easier too. Are you okay holding her for a bit longer?"
He nodded, shifting closer so that her back rested against his chest, and her head rested back against his collar bone.
Kagome trembled, a sputtering cough breaking free from her chest as bright green fluid trickled out of her mouth.
"Oh, here," Sango said, and she dragged out a small cloth, moving to wipe it up herself, but Inuyasha grabbed the cloth from her hand. He could do this. He could take care of her.
It was his fault, wasn't it? He should be able to handle the repercussions of it.
Pressing the cloth against her skin, he wiped away any trace of the phlegm as Sango resumed her work applying balm to her burns.
The skin was bright red and inflamed looking, but he'd seen worse. Her shoulder and forearm appeared to have taken the brunt of it.
"How can you do it?" He asked Sango as she began wrapping her arm in linen.
"Do what?" Sango only glanced up at him before returning her focus to her work.
"This," his eyes motioned down to the bandages.
"Oh," Sango crinkled her nose a bit at the question. "I guess I'm used to it. Lots of men in the village came back injured, and I had to bandage up my father quite a bit when I was little. We learned how to treat injuries when we were little in the village, because it was our way of life." She gave a small shrug, as she continued winding the bandages around Kagome's limb. "I don't like doing it, but I don't want them to get sick from it either."
That made sense, he supposed. Sango would have to know how to take care of cuts and burns from being a slayer. It probably wasn't the first time that she'd seen a bad burn.
She carefully tied off the end of the linen wrap at her shoulder before rising to her feet and moving to the other arm.
Heat rolled off of her small body, and he could feel that her shirt was nearly soaked through with sweat, even though her skin felt dry against his fingers where he lightly touched her cheek.
Another sputtering cough made her nearly convulse and more putrid green stuff flew out of her mouth, dribbling down her chin.
"That's the most she's coughed in a while," Sango frowned as he wiped it away.
She started coughing again, and he held the cloth in front of her mouth watching more stuff in varying shades of green projectile out of her.
There was a small swallow.
"She needs more water," he said absently, refolding the small cloth so he could reuse it. "Her skin is dry, and her piss smells bad."
"I thought it always smelled bad."
"Piss smells like piss, but this smells worse."
Sango nodded as she finished unwrapping the length of her arm.
This one was in way worse shape. Much worse. The skin was redder than the other, and it ran all the way down to her finger tips. Her hand and forearm seemed to have the most damage, bright fluid filled blisters littering the skin.
His stomach churned, and he'd wished that he'd never eaten anything at all.
"We think that whatever she did to bring down the barrier, she did it with this arm. That's why it's so much worse than the other."
"Do you know anything else?"
Sango sighed as she dipped her fingers into the jar, and began gently rubbing them along the mottled flesh of her arm.
"We have theories, but it's not like there's anyone here to ask. You don't remember much, and—" She hesitated for a second.
"Yeah, Kikyo's not here either," he answered, turning his head slightly to rest his cheek against the side of her head.
"And I don't know that I would trust her answers fully either," Sango answered, giving him a quick glare as if he had any control over what Kikyo did.
He'd been poisoned too.
Kikyo always had a reason for what she did. Sometimes it didn't always make sense, but she always had a reason. Kikyo never did anything without it.
He didn't want to think that Kikyo—his Kikyo—had become capable of such violence, but the more he saw, the more he was having to face facts.
The Kikyo that came back wasn't the Kikyo he knew. Just a portion of the woman he knew came back from the grave. He tried to separate the two of them. He really did. But seeing her face every time made it harder to see and harder to process how different they were.
But he supposed that if he'd been able to separate the past and the present, neither of them would be in this mess.
He let his eyes drift closed as he turned his head a bit more and buried his nose into her hair, trying to drown out the smell of salve and sickness, but it only worked so much.
She coughed, deep and wet, and more green spittle came out of her mouth.
"That's the most she's coughed up yet," Sango mumbled, staring as he wiped her face with the cloth.
"Is—is that a good thing?"
"I think so," she said, looking over at him. "I mean, we don't want it inside her lungs, right?"
He looked back at Kagome, who seemed to breathe a little easier, and he hoped it wasn't just in his head.
Sango had changed out his kosode for his haori, and he'd wrapped it around her bandages, hiding her from view.
She'd even offered to help him lay her down, but the sitting up seemed to be helping however little it might have been, and he'd refused, opting to let her lean against him instead.
He'd slid his legs under her knees, helping to keep her in place, so she wouldn't slide down the futon.
Sango'd left to go wash the bandages they'd just undone and let them hang up to dry on the line outside, leaving him alone with Kagome.
He'd tried to remember more of what had happened in that clearing, but there was just Kikyo and then nothing.
"I'm," he started, unable to come up with the right words. "I should've been there." He held her less injured hand in his, trying to cause her the least amount of discomfort as he possibly could. "You didn't say if it helped, you know, hearing people, but I guess it can't hurt either." His eyes fell to her bandaged fingers. "Pretty sure Miroku was fucking annoying while I was out. Surprised I didn't kill him in my sleep." His thumb ran circles around her knuckle, as he took a slow breath. "Sango and Shippo talk to you too. Runt doesn't say anything useful, but when does he ever?"
"Inuyasha," she'd chide and then say something about how he needed to be nicer to Shippo, act like a role model or some bullshit. She'd give him some frowny-faced bullshit, and he'd always give in, because it was Kagome. Even though he was teaching the kit how to fucking survive in this world, he apparently had to do it nicely.
Which was completely not the fucking point, but whatever.
Shippo was a fucking snack to a fucking chicken, and the runt knew it. He'd have lasted another month or so out on his own if Kagome hadn't fucking insisted on bringing him along.
It wasn't so much a problem as it set a precedent, because then it was fucking Miroku and Sango, and he'd never regretting having people around as much as he did right now because the sounds of feet were approaching him.
Couldn't a guy just have a little peace and quiet to fucking heal?
"So Sango tells me," he said, sliding the door open and stepping inside, "we have some good news after all." Shippo bounded in, and Miroku shut the door after them both. "It's getting cooler out there."
"What's the good news?" Shippo asked. "Is she awake?" At that Inuyasha tried to not cringe at the happiness in his tone.
"Ah, well, I think Inuyasha would not be quite so grumpy if that was the case," Miroku answered for him.
"Oh," the little kitsune seemed to deflate. "I'll go help Sango then."
"Maybe finding some more of that plant that Sango was running low on would be most helpful."
Shippo sighed with a slow nod, before almost shambling out the door with a look of complete dejection on his face.
Miroku let out his own sigh as he sat down next to Inuyasha.
"I think he's taking this the hardest out of all of us." Miroku's eyes darted to his own. "Certain parties excluded of course."
Before Inuyasha could even think of arguing with him, he continued.
"So tell me what of this good news my lovely Sango mentioned."
"Don't know what you're expecting."
"She said that there had been progress?" Miroku asked.
"She's been hacking up some green shit. Sango said it was good that it wasn't staying in her lungs."
"That is some good news. She seems to be breathing better. It doesn't sound quite as—rattling."
Inuyasha gave a slight nod, following the monk's gaze to where he still held onto her hand, quickly covering the whole of it with his own.
"What of it?" Inuyasha hissed, apparently making the monk sigh with what he could only hope was regret.
"Nothing," Miroku said with a wave of his hand. "Forget I said anything at all."
Miroku rose back to his feet.
"I will go help Sango and leave you to your duty."
Inuyasha's eyes watched him go.
What the fuck did he mean by that?
Sango and Miroku had returned with the runt and the cat in tow for the night.
"Here, let me help you lay her down," Sango said.
"I can hold her up," he countered, trying to figure out how to stop them from taking her away. He didn't want to let her go. That's what started this whole mess.
If he'd just made her stay here and held onto her, then neither of them would've been through this. She'd be fine, and he'd be fine, and he'd have her again.
"Inuyasha, you need to rest."
"I'm okay," he insisted, curling his arms around her, but not touching her at all. "I can sit with her."
"Inuyasha, she needs to lay down too."
He didn't want to let her go. He didn't want to put her down. He didn't want to not be touching her.
Miroku sighed, and the two of them exchanged looks like he was a fucking toddler and couldn't tell what they were trying to do.
"Perhaps," Miroku cleared his throat. "We could compromise a bit here. Inuyasha, it would a great relief if you could sleep next to Kagome tonight. In case she needs attention. It would give Sango and I some small relief to be able to sleep soundly for a night."
He nodded. He wouldn't sleep at all as he watched over her.
Sango helped him move away, lowering her down to the bedding, and she situated the pillow underneath her head before he released her completely. Kagome whimpered a little as he moved his hands away, and he wanted to believe that she wanted him to stay, but he knew that wasn't the case.
Miroku draped a blanket around his shoulders, lightly patting his back as he knelt beside him.
"You said it yourself, Kagome's tough."
His fingers came up to pull the blanket tighter around his shoulders.
"Call if you need anything, and lay down, would you?"
Inuyasha whipped his head to glare at him, and Miroku just ran a hand over his face before standing up and walking across the room.
"Good night, Inuyasha. Get some rest."
Soft footfalls came up behind him, and he smelled Shippo before the runt spoke.
"You should hold her hand. I think she would like that," he said, patting Inuyasha's arm. "I think she would also want you to sleep too."
He huffed, trying to glare at Shippo and failing, because the kit was lightly patting his knee as he sat next to her, and he could see the big watery eyes starting.
"Fucking fine, already," he grumbled, shifting himself to lie down on the floor within inches of her. His hand slid out from the blanket and gently held onto hers. "Happy now?" He asked, and Shippo patted him on the head before darting off back across the room.
He scooted a little closer, pillowing his head on his own arm.
It's not like he needed the blanket. It's not like he really needed the sleep. He wasn't that tired.
His eyes drifted over her face noting the paleness of her skin, the way moisture gathered across her forehead, and his hand shifted to hold hers more securely in case he did drift off in the night.
He wanted to make sure that he didn't lose sight of her in the dark.
A/N: Happy Thursday!
So this week has been a little topsy-turvy. I had essentially three interviews for a faculty position at our local community college that would start in January, and I did amazing on the teaching demonstration, but the two interviews today are making me think I screwed up, especially the interview with the president. I mean, yay! I was a finalist which means I was the top 2-3 people they would choose for the position. And I'm not in a place where I absolutely must have this position, so it's a win if I get it, but nothing really lost (except for a potential job at a place that seems really amazing).
But man, all those interviews put me through the ringer. In short, I apologize for the lateness of the update.
