Chapter 82
Dies tenebrosa sicut nox
"A day as dark as night"
"Dark, dark!
The horror of darkness,
like a shroud,
wraps me and bears me on
through mist and cloud."
—Oedipus Rex
The blackness felt tangible in places as she became aware of it.
She reached out for it, trying to find some sort of way to navigate her away around this place.
Kikyo flittered in front of her vision a few times. The look on her face, and the guilt swarmed her, making her feel like she was sinking further and further into the dark.
She'd talked of corruption, that Kagome had let it in, and even though she didn't know exactly what that meant, she found herself wondering if this was what she referred to. Maybe it was this, and now Kagome was just swimming around in it.
Every so often, rarely, she could feel something happening to her. Sometimes it was something damp against her face, or a brush against her hand. She'd reach down rubbing her fingers.
It was lonely here, and she wished that someone would talk to her. She wanted to hear something, but it was just quiet.
Sometimes, the dark moved in front of her, and she reached out, trying to grab onto it, hold onto something, but it slipped through her fingers like ink in water.
Maybe she'd died. Maybe this is what it felt like when Kikyo consumed the souls of the living. All those women, all those girls, and they were stuck in the same limbo as her. Maybe Kikyo had figured out a way to cut her out. She'd never wanted Kagome anyway, maybe this is what happened when someone couldn't move on towards their next reincarnation. Maybe she had to wait until Kikyo's life with Inuyasha was done.
Kagome wrapped her arms around herself, whimpering.
She'd wanted him to be happy. She'd wanted him to be loved.
She'd sworn that she'd do anything to make sure that he knew that someone loved him. It was an oath—but she'd wanted to be the one to fulfill it. She wanted to be the reason that he was happy. Not a means to an end.
She didn't even know if he was okay.
She just wanted him to be okay. How was she supposed to survive without him?
She didn't even know if it worked! She didn't know anything!
"Please," she asked the darkness. "Please just let him be okay."
Kagome waited for a response, for anything really, but nothing but the silence echoed back at her.
"Kikyo," Inuyasha said, speaking softly. It was the same tone that she'd thought he only used for her. But she'd been mistaken on that front as well.
She tried to move, lurching forward a fraction of an inch before the sudden and sharp pain in her chest slammed her back into a tree.
Her hand came up to her chest as she looked down, feeling and seeing the arrow shaft protruding out of her chest.
Looking up, she saw Inuyasha walking towards Kikyo, who was sliding her bow back over her shoulder.
"Kikyo," Inuyasha said, and she moved forward, slipping her arms around his waist as she came close enough, letting her head rest against his chest. She smiled, not at being held, but at Kagome, as if to rub her nose into it. Inuyasha wrapped his arms around her, tugging her close.
Kagome tried to speak. Tried to tell him that she was here, but her voice didn't work. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't get anything out except a hard rush of air. Not even a squeak.
Kagome watched as Kikyo rubbed her cheek lightly against his haori, and his hand sneaked up to hold the back of her head.
"I missed you," Kikyo murmured.
"I won't leave you," he swore. "I won't leave you ever again."
"You won't need to go after that little girl?" She asked, leaning her head up to look up at his eyes.
"No, you're more important. You've always been more important." He pressed a kiss to her forehead, letting his lips linger.
Kagome felt her heart stutter against the arrow, and she tried to take a deep breath as her tears ran over her cheeks.
"I shouldn't have stayed away," he said. "I should've come with you. You're the strongest person I know. You deserve protecting."
"Oh, Inuyasha," she whispered. "And what of the jewel?"
Inuyasha stared at her, brushing pieces of hair away from her face.
Don't, she wanted to yell at him. Don't change!
"I'll get the shards for you. You can make your wish, and we won't have to worry about it ever again."
"We'll be happy," she mused. "Just you and me, as humans."
"Yeah, just you and me. No one else matters."
Kagome's heart stuttered, and she couldn't find it in her to endure this anymore. She wanted out. She didn't want to be here.
The arrow kept her pinned to the tree though, and she reached up to it, finding herself incapable of ripping it out of her own chest and the tree behind her.
"Please," she whispered, "just let me go. I can't—" She shook her head.
"No," Kikyo said after a long moment, before turning her head towards where Kagome stood, pinned to the tree. "I want you to see this. I want you to know what it feels like to lose everything, to watch someone else take what should have been yours. I want you to know how I felt."
"I didn't take anything!" Kagome shouted at her. "I didn't take anything from you!" She tugged at the arrow again, but it wouldn't move. It wouldn't let her move.
"But you did," Kikyo said, moving to stand right in front of her. "You've taken so much from me, and now, I've decided to take it back."
"Please," Kagome whispered again. "Just let me go."
Kikyo reached up, her hand wrapping around the shaft the arrow with a familiarity that Kagome would probably never have.
"Fine," she said, tightening her grip. "Don't say I wasn't merciful."
There was a sharp yank, and the floor slipped out from under her, and Kagome fell back into the void, thankful for the solitary quiet and the dark to hide her eyes from seeing anything else.
Kagome lingered in the dark, too afraid to call out, lest she see something else out there that she wasn't prepared for. She could only withstand so much, even now.
She didn't know how much time had passed or how long she'd been there, but she did know that time had indeed passed. Sometimes, she swore that she could feel the warmth of the sun on her skin. Sometimes, it felt like someone was touching her hand or or her face,
But it was quiet and dark, and she would much rather exist here than be tormented with the thought of Kikyo using Inuyasha to get back at her again.
He didn't deserve that, and who was she really to get in the way of a love that defied the grave itself?
It wasn't her place. It wasn't.
But her hand had been warm lately. So warm, like someone was holding it.
She wanted to believe that it was Inuyasha, but he wouldn't do that. Not when he found out about Kikyo.
The dark grew warmer and warmer still, and she remembered the dark woods and how badly her throat ached and burned for just a sip of water. Something to soothe the gravel and the sand that coated her windpipe.
Inuyasha needed help; he needed water too.
"Inuyasha?" She called.
She just needed to know that he was fine, and that someone—anyone—had helped him after all.
"Please," she called again. "I just need to know that he's okay!"
"And when you do?" Kikyo's voice echoed around the dark. It made the space seem so large and yet, so small. "What will you do when you find out?"
"I don't know." She wrapped her arms around herself, despite the heat radiating around her. "I just want to know that he's okay."
"Will you let it go?"
"Will I let what go? What do you want Kikyo?"
"I thought I had made that clear."
"Yeah, well, you haven't. You haven't explained much at all."
"It's simple, really," Kikyo answered. "I want your place in the world. It should've been my place."
"And what about me?"
"You will go to where you belong. The only place you've ever belonged."
Of course. Kagome knew exactly what Kikyo was referring to. She knew what it was that Kikyo wanted.
"And what if I don't belong there anymore? What if I belong here now?"
There was a long and lingering pause between incarnation and reincarnation.
"Then, I suppose," Kikyo said after a long while. "I suppose that you don't belong anywhere."
Ah, that was the crux of it, wasn't it?
That was the thing that Kagome was deep down afraid of, wasn't it? That she didn't belong here—she was simply too modern and her way of things was too bold for the people here.
But she didn't really belong at home either anymore, did she? Girls her age were obsessing with makeup and dates and celebrities, and here she was, learning how the best way possible to stack firewood to grill meat over an open flame. She was this close to being able to clean a fish with a knife and her own hands.
Kagome didn't belong in the past, and now, she didn't really belong in the future either.
The only place she didn't stick out was in the hot, damp dark, where there was no one else to judge her for what she was or wasn't.
"You are running out of time to decide," Kikyo warned her again, before slipping away, fading into the ether of the night.
Kagome curled up in the dark, feeling the warmth of something along her finger tips. It was almost always there. Even as the dark grew hot and humid, making the air somehow seem thinner, her fingers were always warmer than the rest of her.
It felt like someone was holding her hand, and it made the dark feel just a little less lonely.
"Is anyone there?" She called, but there was no one to respond.
She'd prepared herself for this. She'd told herself that this was the only way. She did it all to save Inuyasha.
She should be happy. He was probably fine and recovering faster than she could ever dream of, and she should be happy for him.
But was it so bad that she wanted him to be happy with her?
Kagome took a deep breath, coughing as it rattled something deep inside her.
How much longer was it going to take? How much longer was Kikyo going to play with her? Maybe she'd never be reincarnated. Maybe her soul would never leave.
Maybe this was the fate of all the souls she consumed. Maybe they never really went anywhere other than this hot dark place.
They would ask her if it was worth it, being stuck here, and the only response she could come up with was that if Inuyasha was alright, then she supposed that it was.
Taking a deep breath, Kagome pressed her hand to the tickle that ran along her jawline as if she could trap the feeling there, touch the fingers of whatever it was that drifted over her skin.
She wanted to believe that she was somewhere safe, recovering, and that someone was taking care of her and Inuyasha. But a voice deep down in her mind said that she was dead—dying in fact—and was beyond help. Anything she felt was just the lingering thoughts of a dying girl with nothing but regrets to leave behind.
The next moment she became aware of any sensation was a sense of relief.
Everything had been hot and dark and lonely, and finally—finally—she felt that heat wither and die off in the coolness.
It was enough to make her want to cry, because she could feel herself again. She could feel her body, and the tentative touches someone made in washing her face with the cold water.
But the most that she could manage is what felt like a slight twitching of her fingers, not enough to draw any attention or make any difference.
She couldn't hear or see, but she could feel.
Her guess was that someone had dunked her in the river to help her cool off. She could feel the water moving around her and in one direction only. Probably Miroku or Sango, judging from the way they were holding her up.
A soft murmur reached her ears, but it was impossible to determine who was talking or what they were saying with her ears beneath the water.
When the darkness threatened to engulf her again, she dug her fingers into it, trying to hold herself up, trying to pull the sound of the voices closer to her. She just wanted to hear what they were saying, just so she had a clue what had happened.
Was Inuyasha okay?
Did he make it?
What about Kikyo?
Did they—did they know what she did?
Did he?
Was everyone else okay?
How long had she been unconscious?
How bad was it?
She just wanted to know something—anything.
Kagome dragged herself against the current of the dark, but she was no match and it pulled her under with a frightening ease once again.
Loud voices.
Shouting.
Someone was angry, and it sounded an awful lot like Miroku.
That was strange. He was the calm one in the group.
The least likely to yell actually when everyone in the group was considered.
But he sounded even more angry than when they'd gone off and fought Naraku.
It felt like consciousness was right there, just within reach of her fingers, and if she pressed hard enough, the veil might tear for her, letting her see the real world.
Her fingers dug into the veil, and she tore at it like a person just under the surface of water and running out of breath trying to savagely destroy the curtain separating her from air and life, but slowed and restricted by the water.
It was a fight, and the more she fought the more her body throbbed and ached around her.
There was a price to being awake, and it was one that she was more than happy to pay. She just wanted to see his face.
The brightness blinded her, making her eyes water as she squinted to see.
Something hovered just above her, and she blinked a few times, trying to see what was over her.
She could hear him, snarling and growling, so close it sounded like she could just reach out and touch him.
Something was wrong though, because he looked angry—well, he always looked angry, but that was just a front. She didn't know what was wrong or what had happened, but she wanted to see his face.
She wanted him to look at her one last time.
Somehow, she found the strength to raise an arm enough that she could touch his jaw.
His head moved to look at her, his skin grinding under the pads of her fingertips. His eyes widened, and she watched him stare at her, almost in disbelief.
But her body was already failing her, sucking her back into the dark, and that was okay.
She'd gotten her moment.
Her hand started to slip away, and his hand clapped over hers, holding it in place for her.
Good. She wanted to touch him for as long as she possibly could, because he was warm again.
She had so much to tell him, and there was so little time to get out all the words.
"'afe," was all she could manage. A small part of a small word. But it would have to be enough and she hoped that he understood. He was safe here. He was cared for by their friends. He looked healthy; he looked well.
That was all she'd wanted to know. That was all she needed.
He was safe from danger for the moment, and she'd done enough to get him here.
Her eyes drifted closed even as she tried to stare at his face for just a second longer before the dark waters dragged her back under to the nothingness.
If this was the last thing she ever got to see, she was glad that it got to be him.
