Chapter 83
Rari nantes in gurgite vasto
"Rare survivors in the immense sea"
"Death were not wholly
bitter with you near."
—Oedipus at Colonus
Something touched her hand in a repeating, soothing manner. Just a smooth rub along her fingers, sometimes it moved to the back of her palm. But it was always the same movement, back and forth, back and forth.
Her fingers twitched as she tried to move them, but everything was just so heavy. It was so hard to do anything but lie there, and even then, that sometimes felt like a strain just to remain slightly conscious and aware.
A cool cloth ran over her face, someone taking great care to wipe out the grit and crust from her eyes. Kagome could've sighed at the slight touch of the cloth against her skin.
"I assume that there's been no change?" Miroku asked, and a soft trill followed him with little feet padding across the floor towards her.
A warm nose tapped her cheek followed by a soft trill.
Kirara!
A soft sigh from the same direction as Miroku, and she wanted to turn towards it, but everything stopped her.
Why couldn't she move?
She could hear and feel, but her body wasn't listening or responding to what she wanted.
Was—Was she going to be stuck like this forever?
She fought against everything that felt like it might've been holding her down and locking her voice up. She just needed someone to know that she was awake, that she was here.
Kagome pushed against the blackness, feeling the solid wall almost redouble its efforts to keep her there. But she wanted out. She wanted to be awake.
She had to be sure that Inuyasha was okay. That he was safe and whole.
Kagome dragged herself forward, fingers twitching at the effort.
Kirara trilled softly, the warm nose bumping against her cheek before the soft swipe of her head against her jaw.
A soft cloth dragged across her face, cool and damp, and in her relief, she relented for just a moment, and the dark pushed her back again.
"Kagome?" Inuyasha's voice wavered softly through the darkness.
"Inuyasha?" She called out to him, trying her best to find him in the dark, even as his voice rebounded in the quiet. "Inuyasha! I'm here!"
But Inuyasha's voice never broke through the quiet again, leaving Kagome to scramble against the darkness that enclosed her and kept her trapped.
Her hands clawed at the dark, desperate and afraid, and trying so very hard to get out.
Only to find herself falling short at every attempt.
Kagome found her eyelids fluttering. She could feel herself filling her body, no longer feeling trapped in that darkness, but instead, she could feel her body responding to the softest touches. Kagome dragged herself up and into the empty space.
Her eyelids fluttered, and she forced herself to open her eyes, pushing every bit of energy she had into the motion.
It took a second for her to realize that the room was dark. She squinted to make out the shapes of the wooden slats in the ceiling. There was a dim light in the room, and it all blurred with tears as she strained to see.
Her fingers twitched as something soft tickled her neck.
A soft mewl sounded to her left as Kirara's red eyes filled her vision.
Kirara!
Kagome's fingers twitched as she tried to move to touch the soft fur that tickled her skin.
Her breath caught deep in her chest, making her let loose a rattling cough that broke something up in her lungs, making it easier to breathe, and she took a couple deep breaths, relishing in the fact that it didn't ache to breathe deeply.
Kirara bounded out of her range of sight, trilling softly, and there was a low, coarse grunt beside her.
"What do you want?" Inuyasha grumbled as Kirara trilled again, the tips of her tails just within Kagome's ability to see.
Kagome's heart soared, and she desperately tried to move herself, to see him, and she managed to tilt her head just a bit.
But there he was, rising up to sit, and she felt her eyes watering for another issue entirely.
He was there. Silver hair and dog ears.
And he looked—he looked okay.
And she was just—so relieved at the idea that he wasn't hurt.
Tears rolled over her cheeks as all the fighting and the worry seeped out of her.
He was fine.
Inuyasha turned his gaze slowly towards her as Kirara trilled again.
She took a deep breath as his gaze locked onto hers, and he just stared.
Was he—Maybe he did know what had happened in that barrier. Maybe he had heard everything she'd said—maybe she'd finally, finally ruined whatever she'd had with him. Her anchor had given way and allowed her to disappear into the maelstrom that surrounded her, and she could feel her fingers scrabbling to hold onto whatever strings flailed around in the torrents.
"Kagome?" He whispered, his fingers lightly brushing against her own.
Her body shook as a sob escaped her, and more tears poured over her cheeks, and his eyes widened.
Footsteps quickly came up behind her, and she tried to move her hand to grab hold of his sleeve, something, anything that would just let her hold on for just a second longer.
He looked away as the footsteps got closer, and she wanted to touch him.
"What's wr—?" Sango started before her voice failed as her knees hit the ground beside her, and Sango—indestructible Sango—let out a gut-wrenching cry. "Kagome!" Her fingers pressed against her cheek, drawing her head away from Inuyasha's direction and back towards hers. "You're awake!"
"Sango?" Miroku called.
"She's awake!" Sango shouted. "She's awake!"
Hurried footsteps came from behind Sango, and Miroku appeared before them with Shippo in his arms.
"You're okay," Sango whispered to her. "You're okay, and I won't let anything hurt you."
Her arm managed to draw up just a little, and just before she lost the strength to hold it up, warm fingers grabbed it, wrapping around her own.
"It's good to see you awake. We've missed your smile," Miroku said with a smile as Shippo's tail wagged eagerly. "Well, some of us more than others."
Sango gently wiped her face of all the tears with a cloth.
She wanted to ask so many questions, but everyone was safe and well, and she just couldn't fight sleep any longer.
"It's okay, Kagome," Sango told her. "We'll be right here when you wake up."
Warm fingers ran over her own, and she felt tears leak out over her cheeks, running into her hair and the sheets beneath her.
Kagome felt like something was sitting on her chest, and she tried to gasp in a breath of air to alleviate the burning that was starting to rampage throughout her body.
It sputtered in her throat, and she choked on it. Gut wrenching hacks made her body jerk violently, and a hand slipped behind her neck to help raise her up as something wet ran along her chin. But before she could move or say anything, a warmth propped up her back, giving her some room to breathe, and a damp cloth wiped her chin and hovered just at her mouth as she continued to hack.
She could taste whatever it was that she was spitting up, and it reminded her a lot of when she'd had a bad cold, and she'd hacked up phlegm for a few days. It was not pleasant, and she would not recommend the feel or the taste of it to anyone.
She gasped in a deep breath that crackled deep within her, but it finally felt like she could get air down into all the little places. Like her blood was finally getting oxygen and spreading it throughout her body.
Her head leaned back heavily onto the person's shoulder, as she tried to catch her breath from her fit.
"Here," Inuyasha said from behind her, and her body jolted at how close he was. "That shit's gotta taste awful," he continued, holding a small cup to her lips for her to sip from. Her fingers came up to steady his hand as she gratefully tipped the cup towards her mouth, emptying the cup in a few swallows.
She licked her lips, wincing at the pull of her tongue on the dry skin.
Wait.
Inuyasha was behind her.
That meant that it was him—he'd wiped her face while she practically vomited all over herself.
But then—she tried to twist herself to look at him. She wanted to see him, press her fingers to his face and make sure that he was fine and safe. But her body wasn't moving the way that she wanted it, and she sorta just tried to flop over onto her side.
Inuyasha, however, was faster than her, and his hand steadied her carefully just under her arm.
"Easy," he told her, voice low and rumbling, "just lean on me."
She turned her head towards him, letting her forehead rest against his neck, and she felt his head turn towards her just a bit.
Speaking proved almost entirely futile because she just started hacking again, but she managed to get out the question she wanted answered most.
"Safe?" She rasped between hacks, and Inuyasha pushed her hand away as the damp rag reappeared to wipe away whatever came up and out.
There was a small scoff from beside her, as she reached up to press the cloth closer as she coughed.
"Like I'd let anything happen to you," he said as her fingers loosely wrapped around his wrist.
There was a pitiful cough, and she smiled weakly behind the cloth against her face.
She was always safe with Inuyasha, wasn't she?
"Don't give me any of your bullshit, Sango," Inuyasha hissed above her.
"I didn't say a word!" Sango snapped back in a whisper.
"You didn't have to! It was all over your face!"
Kagome really just wanted some quiet and the warm thing behind her to stop shifting underneath her head so much.
"Was she awake?"
"She coughed for a bit," he answered his voice much calmer. "Hacked up more of that stuff."
Kagome stirred a bit, feeling like she should probably be awake.
"See? You woke her up," Inuyasha complained.
"I did no such thing," Sango retorted.
"Well, she was sleeping fine until you started your stomping around."
Kagome squinted at the brightness a bit, blinking a few times until her eyes adjusted a bit more.
Turning her head, she could see Sango smiling back at her.
"Hey, how are you doing?" She asked, reaching up to brush her bangs out of her eyes.
"Goo—" She started and then erupted into another—albeit gentler—spasm of coughs. They were wet but nothing actually came up this time, and Inuyasha held up another small cup of water for her to drink from.
She gulped it down eagerly, relishing how cool it was against the rawness of her throat.
"Do you want more?" Sango asked, and Kagome nodded. Before she could readjust herself on the blankets, there was another cup in front of her. Inuyasha fed her the water slowly even as she reached her hands up to take the cup herself. Her fingers grazed his, trying to encourage him to tip the small cup a little more, but his grip held firm on the glass, and he didn't yield to any pressure.
Kagome emptied the glass, and Sango watched her intently.
"Are you in any pain?" She asked, and Kagome shook her head. She wasn't hurting, just tired. Her entire body felt leaden and just existing felt like it was taking more energy than she had to expend.
"Do you want to try eating something?" Sango asked, as Inuyasha sat the cup down beside them. "We have some rice left from breakfast."
She wasn't really hungry for anything, but everything felt like she was operating in a haze or a fog.
"Shouldn't she get some broth first?" Inuyasha asked, and she reached out for his hand, wrapping her fingers around his. He didn't hesitate in covering her fingers with his own.
"We've been feeding her broth, so I think it would be good to get some solid food in her."
She just needed something to ground herself. Make sure that she was awake after all this. She just needed to know that he was there. Please, she just needed to know that he was there and that he was safe. It was grounding, and she could feel the world slipping away from her again. Her grip on his fingers slowly faded away, even though the grip he had on her never faltered, never weakened.
Her anchor was here, tethering her to the world below.
She could slip away, back into the dark, and know that when she came up, there would be something left for her to hold onto.
Her head fell limp against his shoulder, and she let her eyes drift closed.
Warm fingers rubbed along the backs of her knuckles.
"You're okay," Sango whispered.
Kagome realized that maybe, she was—in fact—okay.
Kagome stared out at the grassy area behind the inn. She was wrapped in her blankets and watching Shippo pick flowers.
He was building a small pile in her lap of all the different flowers and colors that he could see.
Her hands felt weak and stiff, and she'd thought that weaving the flowers together then she'd work them loose again. It was something to do at least.
She got so tired so easily that it was becoming more and more difficult to do anything. She had to be holding everyone back from what they really wanted to do, and yet, no one had said a word to her about any of it.
She dragged in a deep breath, shifting so that her back was centered against the narrow column.
She'd sat like this before, been here before.
"I think that's enough, Shippo," she called, and the kitsune looked up at her, tail flicking behind her.
"Are you sure?" He asked, and she smiled.
"I'm sure. There won't be any left for springtime if you pick them all."
Shippo seemed to mull that information over a moment before he dragged himself up, and started loping back towards the porch from across the field.
The thin wire caught her attention, and she leaned forward, catching sight of the rows and rows of ofuda.
She knew the design, the writing, the words. She'd seen them all before.
She'd seen that one before.
Felt them rip her apart.
She remembered the burns, the pain—she remembered the dark.
"Shippo!" She called out, but it was too late, his foot snagged the wire, and the air around them compressed and expanded simultaneously.
A familiar, delicate, feminine laugh echoed through the roaring flames. The world around her tearing at the seams at the sound of it.
Her body couldn't withstand the blow the second time.
Her body jerked, spasming, and she gasped in air.
Warm hands touched her own, and she spasmed, trying to find something to muffle the pain that was spreading through her chest.
It burned, and coughing didn't help it any.
She was going to be sick. The bile seeped up into her throat, and she was scrambling to get onto her side, but her body felt like it had been laced with lead and stones, and nothing would move right, but it all just kept climbing and she couldn't—she couldn't—
Her body lurched, and she dug her fingers into the floor trying to roll over, and someone shoved a bowl in front of her, helping her onto her side where she promptly vomited whatever was in her stomach out.
Her body lurched again, but it was nothing but dry heaves that made her already tender stomach ache even more.
She groaned as the bowl was pulled away from her, and warm hands helped her sit upright. Miroku was kneeling in front of her with a cup of water.
"Here," he said, helping her lift the cup to her mouth. He steadied her shaking hands with ease, keeping her from spilling all the water across her face and lap. Pushing the cup away as she finished, she cleared her throat a little. "Everything okay?"
A little, short cough escaped her as she nodded, and he rested his hand on her shoulder, giving it a short squeeze.
"I got it, monk," Inuyasha said behind her and she realized that it was Inuyasha who was supporting her and keeping her upright.
"Do you want to sit up for a moment?" Miroku asked, and she nodded. He helped make sure that she was able to support herself as Inuyasha stood and took the bowl.
The bowl that she'd spewed in.
Great.
He'd rather rinse out her puke rather than stay in here with her.
He had to know what she'd done or at least what she'd threatened to do to Kikyo.
That tremulous feeling of her anchor's ropes shredding around her returned, and she could already feel him slipping through her fingers like water and sand through a sieve.
"Here, have some more water." He poured another glass as Kagome leaned heavily against him.
"Sorry," she mumbled, still trembling, but not as badly.
"It's fine," Miroku said. "You're still recovering. We're just glad that you're finally awake." He took the cup from her when she finished drinking. "It's probably the medicine. You need more than what you've been eating."
"Is it late?"
"It's nighttime, yes," Miroku answered, clearly unsure of the answer that she's looking for. "Do you need something?"
Kagome shook her head, even though he put a fresh cup of water between her fingers.
"If you need something," he started, and she shook her head.
"No!" She practically shouted, and then winced as it led to a coughing fit.
Inuyasha stepped back into the room, and she stared at him. His eyebrow was raised, and he was shirtless.
"Where are your clothes?" She blurted out, staring at his naked chest.
"You got 'em," he said, setting the bowl down next to her, and she looked down at her hands, realizing that she was indeed wearing his haori.
She looked back up at him, and the confusion must've been evident on her face.
"Easier to change you in and out of that than your clothes," he said with a shrug.
"Sorry," she whispered, as Inuyasha settled in beside her.
"What're you apologizing for?" His tone was near chastising as he took the empty cup from her, handing it off to the monk.
"I don't know," she whispered, but already feeling the tears building in the back of her eyes.
"Fuck," Inuyasha hissed under his breath, turning towards her. "What is it? What's wrong?" His hands fluttered over her shoulders and face, and it only made her cry harder. "Are you hurting?"
She shook her head, but she was. Somewhere deep down. She ached beyond comprehension, but the words were not coming out of her mouth, so instead, she cried.
Inuyasha drew her to him, holding her close as she wept against his skin. His arms wrapped around her shoulders, and she clung to him with her own trembling arms.
"Kagome?" He asked, and she could hear him swallow.
He didn't know what to do, and to be honest, neither did she.
He didn't say anything else but held her close and let her weep.
She'd opted to keep her face buried into Inuyasha's shoulder, and he never pushed her away. Never chastised her for crying. He just held her and rested his head against hers.
"You sure that you're not hurting?" He asked quietly, and she gave a small nod and a sniffle.
But the truth was that she was hiding herself away from addressing the unspoken elephant in the room. She was hurting, but not from what had happened.
All that hiding and secret keeping wore on her, and she felt herself falling slack against him. She whined her frustration, and his hand slid up and down her back as her eyes drifted closed.
"It's okay," Inuyasha whispered. "I'm here."
He was always there when she needed him most, but it wasn't okay—or at least it wasn't going to be.
Everything fell slack against him, and she could only wonder just how long he'd stick it out when he found out what she did.
A/N: I'm sorry about the late posting. I had to fight my brain on getting some quick chores done before posting because I knew that I wouldn't get up to do them later.
"Take out the trash." post Supersum "Nope, we're doing this first. Okay, now we gotta make our lunch." post supersum "Nope. Lunch first."
So I'm later than normal, but it's here at least. I hope everyone enjoys Friday the 13th tomorrow. Seems appropriate for it happen in the first month of the new year. 😂
Anyway, I hope the new year is treating you all well, and as always, let me know what you think!
