Chapter 85
Ambigendi locus
"Reason for questioning or doubt"
"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."
—Hamlet
Stupid fucking Sango.
'I'll take care of it later'—like that was going to fucking help Kagome right now. She'd nearly—she'd just woken up from being fucking sick!
Fucking slayer.
It was very much autumn, and the leaves were already starting to change and the air was cool. Not unpleasant, but the nights were getting colder.
They couldn't risk her being out here, as fragile as she was, and just letting her run around with a mop of wet hair.
He noted his shirt out on the line to dry, so there was that.
Even though he liked seeing her in his clothes.
But that was a problem for another day.
Right now, the problem at hand was drying her off and keeping her warm and fed.
Then she'd get better.
He wrapped a blanket around her shoulders after sitting her carefully near the fire, and then he dug around until he found the brush that she liked to use on her hair. It smelled like her at least.
He sat behind her, caging her in with his legs a bit. It gave him the illusion of putting a barrier around them, where he was capable of protecting her from harm.
He'd heard them talking in the bathing room, hearing that Kagome felt well enough to not have the bandages on, which gave him a severe bout of mixed feelings.
Because she wasn't entirely healed, and she might actually need them. But then again, she felt well enough without them, and maybe he wouldn't have to hold back.
He grinned, throwing the towel over her head and hearing her shout and then giggle.
The sound made him pause. He stared at her head for just a moment, relishing in the sound that he was starting to think that he'd never hear again. The sound melted something in him, and he didn't know what it was—and he'd probably regret letting it happen later—but he reached up and gently began squeezing the water from her hair.
They sat in the quiet as he worked the towel over her hair, trying to soak the water up from her hair and keep her from getting sick again.
Once he was done, he picked up the brush, working out the ends and gently working his way up. His strokes were slow and measured, stopping the moment that he reached a snag, taking care to work them out with the tips of his claws before continuing.
Kagome gave out a soft hum as he worked, and that almost smug feeling of satisfaction rose up that he was the one who made her feel that way.
Inuyasha stared at the back of her head, trying to ward off the insurmountable urge to just drag her back against him and smother her with himself.
He wondered what it would take to get her to sleep on him again, like she had in her room—however long ago it had been. It felt like so long ago. Everything felt like there had been decades that had passed between them, and he longed for the days when everything hadn't felt so weighted and heavy on his shoulders.
Once the brush ran smoothly through her hair, he set it down on the towel.
"Am I as dry as I'm going to get?" She asked, stifling a yawn with her hand before breaking out into a light cough.
The sound of something breaking up in her lungs made his heart race.
"Sorry, that was gross," she said, and he wrapped his arms around her, dragging her into his chest, and burying his face into her damp hair. He just didn't want to be without her.
Inuyasha kept his grip loose around her. He didn't want to hurt her—in case the burns were still tender—but he wanted her against him. He wanted to hold her, curl around her like tendrils of vines around stones, his love so strong for her that it could bring down mountains through the sheer strength of his tenacity alone.
He hadn't wanted to love her. He hadn't wanted to care for her at all. He'd just wanted to be left alone, and for whatever reason, she just kept persisting, and if there was one thing that he was ever grateful for, it was that she never stopped.
Her fingers fluttered over the backs of his hands, small and lingering swipes of the pads of her fingers. Every stroke and casual swipe ran up and around his stomach dissolving somewhere between his lungs, so each breath reminded him that she was here and alive, and he'd do everything in his fucking power for it to stay that way.
Her hands rested over his, so small they didn't cover his hands up at all, but they were chilled, and he relinquished his grip to wrap his hands around hers.
She hummed, a happy noise.
"You're always so warm," she stated, and then finally—finally!—she slumped back against him. Her weight was warm and solid, and he exhaled a long and deep sigh of relief into her hair.
A long pause followed between them where no words were spoken and none were needed, and it wasn't long before he realized that she'd gone almost completely slack.
The door slid open and he shot a glare at the monk, who had just opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself.
"Is she asleep?" He whispered, pointing to Kagome—like there was anyone else in the room currently, and Inuyasha gave a curt nod. Not enough to disturb her in any way.
Kagome shifted slightly, and Inuyasha reached up, tucking the blanket tighter around her shoulders, holding it in place.
Miroku let out a soft sigh before moving much more quietly about the room. Sango appeared just a moment later, hair still damp from where she'd bathed. Her eyes quickly fell on the girl sleeping against him, and she gave him a sad look.
For whatever reason, it just irked him. He didn't need sad looks. He didn't need pity. He had Kagome, and she seemed fine, and that was more than enough. It was more than what he'd thought he'd ever get.
He curled around her a bit more, glowering at the slayer, who just shook her head and sat on the other side of the fire.
"The bath wore her out," she said softly.
"She's only been awake for a day," Miroku reminded her. "She will need some time to get her strength back."
Yeah, no shit.
It wasn't like she was youkai and could recover in a matter of a couple days. It would take time before they could even begin to think about traveling.
And in this weather? He'd have to keep her wrapped in blankets to make sure that she didn't fall ill again.
And they would have to stop frequently for breaks and meals, and he'd have to work diligently to ensure that she stayed well fed.
But think of all the holding he'd get to do!
He would be the one to keep her warm! Not the kit, not the cat, the hanyou—and he would let her use his body however she needed—or wanted—it.
"So are you just going to sit there all afternoon?" Miroku asked, and Inuyasha glared at him with all the fury and hate that he could manage.
"I'm supposed to be recovering, ain't I?" He snipped back at the monk.
Miroku opened his mouth to speak, but Sango cut him off.
"Think about it," she warned, "and for more than two seconds."
"Every one of you always assumes the worst."
"Because you've literally given us no other option." Sango leaned to the side and began drying her own hair next to the fire.
"I am wounded by your words, my love!"
"I don't see why," Shippo commented, snacking on something that he'd found as he climbed into Miroku's lap.
Kagome shifted, twisting a bit more onto her side, and curling up her legs. Shippo quickly leapt off, grabbing another blanket and dragging it over to Inuyasha before reclaiming his spot on Miroku's lap.
Inuyasha grabbed the edge of the blanket, dragging it over her legs and tucking it around her form. He curled his legs around her a bit more, dragging her in against him more than she had been.
When he was satisfied that she would be warm enough, he glanced up at the others and saw the grin covering Miroku's face.
"What?" He snarled at him.
"Absolutely nothing, friend."
"Don't pester him, Miroku," Sango chided, toweling her hair carefully. "He was finally in a good mood."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Inuyasha hissed.
"What does it sound like?"
He wanted to get up and get in Sango's face about the whole stupid thing, but Kagome was currently in his lap.
There were definitely more important things than dealing with Sango's post-bath bitchiness.
He swore it was like all the soaking that they did in the water washed off whatever good mood they were in previously. At least Kagome came back in somewhat of a good mood.
"I feel the need to ask an uncomfortable question," Miroku stated, and Inuyasha found his fingers running through her hair while the other ran a line along her thumb and wrist. "When should we ask her about Kikyo?"
"She just woke up, monk!" Inuyasha hissed.
"We are all aware of this, but we're all completely in the dark. All we know is that Kikyo was somehow involved, and clearly out for blood, and we need to know what Kagome knows." He sighed. "Otherwise, we could be walking right into a trap."
Inuyasha looked away, opting to rub his cheek against her hair.
He didn't want to think about it.
He'd just gotten her back, and he wasn't ready to talk about losing her again. Even the potential of it made him nauseated.
They'd already walked into a trap, and it had taken him down several pegs, and it had very nearly killed Kagome. She'd been so close—again—because he wasn't able to protect her.
How she seemed to have so much faith in him—he'd never understand her.
"I understand that this is an uncomfortable subject," Miroku continued. "But we can't ignore it forever."
Miroku was right. He knew that Miroku was right, but she'd just woken up. He'd just gotten her back, and it felt like he had to make up for all the time that he'd missed with her.
Kagome shifted a bit against him, cheek rubbing against his chest, and his brain ceased functioning for just a moment. The shrill sound of complete silence engulfed him and the room and the rest of the world.
He rested his chin on her head, inhaling the smell of her into his nose.
Miroku sighed.
"Perhaps some food would help mellow you out some," he suggested, rising to his feet.
Good.
His input wasn't currently needed.
Inuyasha could hear him talking to someone out in the hallway, and then, the door slid shut behind him, and Sango cleared her throat.
"You know that we're going to have to talk to her."
"Give her a moment to fucking breathe, Sango."
"Are you really concerned or are you avoiding the answers?"
He looked up at her with the most furious glower that he could manage. He'd growl at her to prove his point, but he didn't want to wake up Kagome, whose hair he was currently stroking with his fingers like some sort of totem.
"Precisely the question I was thinking: Are you truly worried on behalf of Kagome's sake or are you merely avoiding an answer you don't want to hear?" Miroku asked, and Inuyasha felt his youki roll in anger.
How dare they?
How dare they?
A low growl built in his chest, and he couldn't soften it any—and he didn't want to.
"When I get up, you both better fucking run," Inuyasha snarled, baring both fangs and a hands worth of claws at the both of them.
Miroku at least had enough brains to look mildly concerned. Sango looked more annoyed than anything.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome asked sleepily. "What's wrong?" She asked, pushing herself up and hissing at the strain.
"Nothing," he growled, helping her move so she didn't put any strain on her shoulder.
"Sounds like something," she commented, and looked towards Sango and Miroku. "What happened?"
Why did she look at those two fucks like they were going to tell her the truth? Why didn't she look to him?
"We were just asking some simple questions, and Inuyasha took offense," Miroku answered with a shrug.
"You fuckers!" He snarled, nearly shouting at them from across the fire.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome asked, shifting a bit more to look at him, and her fingers slid along the back of his hand, seeking out his own. He couldn't help as they flexed, the pads of his fingers pressing harder into the skin at her waist. She turned back towards the others. Her fingers dragged over his, pressing into the spaces between his own. He slackened his grip a bit to allow her to wrap her fingers around his. "Well?"
Something smug swelled up in his chest at the fact that she was asking them, but holding his hand in the meantime.
He squeezed her fingers lightly as they trembled against his. In fact, her whole body was beginning to tremor against him.
Something wasn't right.
"Kagome?" He asked.
She shook her head, nails digging into his hand.
"Kagome?" Sango asked.
Kagome covered her mouth with her hand, and Inuyasha recognized the motion for what it was. He twisted around trying to find a bucket, and Sango slid one towards them. He jerked it under her as she convulsed and then retched into the bucket, her knuckles turning white as she gripped the edges.
Inuyasha rubbed her back gently as she gasped in great gulps of air between dry heaves.
"Sorry," she gasped, and Inuyasha reached out to steady the bucket resting on his leg. "Sorry," she repeated as he rubbed firm circles into her back.
"It's okay," he said, continuing to gently rub her back.
He waited until she was done heaving, tugging the blanket away from her. Miroku took it from him, and Sango gave her a bottle of water, as he gently urged Kagome to lean against him, still rubbing along her spine. Kagome leaned against him, sipping from the bottle of water.
"Are you okay?" Sango asked.
Kagome nodded as she continued to sip the water.
"What happened?" Sango asked.
"Don't know," she said with a shake of her head.
"Maybe some food will help. It should be here soon."
Kagome took a deep breath, wincing a little. His eyes drifted to Sango, who was hovering, and that question was still really pissing him off.
"Maybe you should go get some more water," he growled out, hoping that she got the hint. Instead, she leveled a glare at him.
"I can get it," Shippo said, grabbing the water bucket and disappearing out the door.
Great. The kit was the one other person that he could stand at the moment.
Kagome looked up at him, and he only glanced down at her face.
"I've got it handled," he told Kagome, sliding the hand stroking her back more firmly around her waist.
"You sure about that?" Sango muttered under her breath, and he snarled loud and fierce, ferocious enough to make Kagome jump.
"Inuyasha?!" She cried, and he wrapped his arms around her tightly to reassure her that he wasn't going to harm her or let her be harmed by actions or words.
She clutched onto his sleeve, eyes wide as she stared at his face and then turned to Sango.
"What happened?" She asked again.
"Sango's being a bitch," he told her. Her body shifted under his hands as she tried to move herself and sit upright.
He let her move, offering his arm and his body as support when she needed it. Pressing her hand against his knee, she pushed herself up a bit, but her arm quaked at the use, and he reached up and moved her himself, letting her back rest against his chest.
She made a small 'oof' when he sat her back down but stretched her legs out in front of her with a small sigh of relief.
Her feet wiggled for a second, and he made sure to adjust the blanket over her shoulders.
"So why are we fighting?"
"Inuyasha's having some territory issues."
Kagome twisted her head to look at him.
"I'm fine," he grumbled at her.
"You're sure?" She asked, as the door slid open and Miroku walked inside with Shippo in tow with a bucket of fresh water.
"I need to go outside," she said, turning towards Sango.
"Of course," she said, rising to her feet. Inuyasha pushed himself up, quickly picking her up off the ground.
He was starting to wonder when she'd need to piss.
Kagome didn't fight him, instead she allowed him to pick her up and carry her out to the trees without a word to the contrary, but he had a feeling it wouldn't last long.
And he was right. The moment he lowered her feet down to the ground, she turned towards him with an expectant look her face.
"You can't stand on your own," he argued.
"I can carry her, you know," Sango pointed out, already attempting to push his hands away from her.
"It ain't a big deal!" He growled out.
"Inuyasha, please," Kagome said. "If I need you, I'll call. But please, let me have this one thing, okay?" She pressed her hand over his heart, staring up at him, and he knew then that she knew how to play to his affections, but somehow he never felt like he was being manipulated for it.
And why was that exactly?
His gaze shifted to Sango, who looked almost smug about it.
"Fine." His eyes flitted from Sango to Kagome. "You call me."
"Always," she said with a smile. He leapt up, disappearing just far enough for their human senses, but not far enough that he couldn't be there in a moment if they needed him. She was too precious, too fragile to be left completely unprotected.
But he could let her have this one thing that she seemed to so desperately want even though it didn't matter one way or another to him. It was simply something everyone had to do.
He could hear Sango shifting around and giving Kagome some direction, but his fingers were twitching against the bark of the branch he perched on, waiting for instruction, waiting for her to call for him once again.
And when she did, he dove to the ground, made a couple bounds and then he was there, back in front of her.
She gave him a smile, as Sango helped support her. She reached out to him, and he slipped between the two of them, gently pulling her against him as he picked her legs up.
"You okay?" He asked, and she nodded.
"Are you okay?" She asked, her fingers playing with the beads in front of her.
"Keh, I'm fine," he said as he walked back to the hut. Sango snorted behind him, and he shot her a glare over his shoulder.
"You're very angry," she commented.
"I'm always angry."
She hummed, staring at his face, and he found himself unable to meet her gaze.
"No, this is different. What happened?"
"Nothing," he answered. The smells of food drifted from their room, and he decided changing the subject was better. "Food's here."
She squinted at him as he stepped up onto the porch. He settled her back down next to the fire where there was a tray waiting. He sat next to her, propping his leg up behind her so she could have a brace to lean against.
"You good to eat?" He asked, and she nodded, picking up her chopsticks and a bowl of rice. Her bowl had more than anyone else's, and he assumed that Miroku had shifted some things around.
Good. Now he wouldn't have to be secretly shoveling food onto her tray or trying to convince her that something wasn't good for her to eat just yet.
He still thought there she should be eating some rice and broth. Just until her stomach settles.
Kagome ate slowly and very methodically, and he wondered if she was still having troubles holding onto her chopsticks. Her bowl didn't shake like before, and she seemed to be doing just fine, but he watched her as he ate his own food. She shifted slightly, leaning forward more, and after a few minutes into the meal, she was shifting more and more, forward and then back and so on. He bumped her back with his knee to remind her that it was there.
Her eyes turned towards him, and she hesitated for just a moment, and he bumped her again, agitated that she wasn't using him like he'd intended.
She leaned back slowly, and he pressed his knee against her back, feeling her weight slowly lower against his knee.
There was a small sigh as she reclined back against his leg.
Good. That's what he wanted to hear.
He continued to eat and all the while ensured that she ate enough too.
It was the next day when he caught Kagome being questioned by Sango and Miroku, who'd clearly taken advantage of his absence to question her.
He'd gone out to find more firewood to make sure that Kagome stayed warm. They couldn't afford another illness so quickly, and he needed to make sure that she stayed healthy and continued to heal. She was doing so much better.
"That's all that we know," Sango said.
"We were hoping that you would be able to fill in some of the gaps."
"I—uh—"
He paused in front of the door. He didn't like that they'd ambushed her while he was conveniently gone, but he'd wanted to know for certain what had happened inside the barrier.
He had an armful of wood for the fire, but he waited for just a moment, except Kagome didn't speak.
If anything, she looked at him thankfully when he finally got tired of listening to her mumbled and stuttering words. She looked at him like he'd saved her.
She was leaning up against the wall, sitting on her bedding with that look she got whenever he came charging in to get her out of danger.
And fuck him, if he didn't enjoy it.
Not the danger, but that look on her face made him feel like he could destroy and defeat anything that stood before him.
He dropped the wood into a pile, quickly moving over to her. She looked up at him as he sat down on her bedding.
"We were asking Kagome about her time inside the barrier," Miroku explained as if he couldn't hear them at all outside the room. He had a sneaking feeling they did it as a nicety but opted to ignore it.
Inuyasha rolled his eyes as he propped his chin up on his palm, his other hand reaching for the side of her pants, and gently playing with the fabric between his fingers.
"You have to understand, Kagome. This is about your safety and Inuyasha's. We have to know if someone is laying another trap for us—for you—somewhere out there."
"We know Kikyo was involved."
Kagome's eyes drifted downward to her fingers, and she took a deep breath, almost seeming as though she were attempting to steady herself for whatever was coming. Her eyes flicked to him for just a moment.
Her fingers began picking at her nails, and he raised his eyebrow at that.
She hadn't done that in a while.
Or at least what felt like a while.
"I don't—I don't remember anything."
Inuyasha turned his full gaze to her, sitting upright.
He wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe that she didn't remember a single fucking thing about what happened in that barrier. That the poison had done the same number on her that it had him, but there was something that happened in there.
"You don't remember how you got the burns?" Sango asked, and Kagome shook her head.
"The arrow wounds?" Miroku asked and another hard shake of her head.
She wasn't looking at any of them.
"Did you put the barrier up around Inuyasha?"
"I—" she started, but then quickly shut her mouth, swallowing her words. "I don't know."
Inuyasha felt pretty sure that she did know who put the barrier up.
Inuyasha was pretty sure that he knew who put the barrier up—and it wasn't himself or Kikyo.
"Kagome, don't lie," he said, reaching out for her hands that were almost violently picking at her nails now. She'd start bleeding any second if he let her continue.
"I'm—I'm not lying!" She yelled, jerking away from him.
If she'd looked up at him, he might've believed her. If she'd done anything except nervously pick at her nails, he might've believed her. Instead, everything she did only confirmed the belief that she was lying to them, and he couldn't fathom why exactly. These were the hallmarks of someone nervous and trying to hide. Kagome was keeping secrets again.
"I'm not lying! I don't remember!" She yelled, shifting away from him.
"Kagome," he said, attempting to keep his voice as even as possible. "Just tell us what you know. It ain't a big deal."
"I don't know anything!"
Tears ran over her cheeks and she paused in her nail picking to hastily wipe them away.
"I don't know what happened! I don't know why she was there or where she went!"
"Kagome, it's—"
It was the tears, the refusal to tell them anything to help him protect her, the secrets, the being locked out again—this time by her, when he'd thought that they were finally beyond all that. It was all of that and the stress of having her nearly ripped from him by a force he can't fight that made him finally, finally snap.
He let out a snarl, and she jumped at the sound.
"Fucking hell, Kagome! Lie to them all you want, but don't you dare fucking lie to me!"
A/N: Happy Thursday!
Funny story: we're reading Hamlet in class and we just read these lines and I thought they would be a perfect fit for this chapter, since Sango and Miroku are asking some questions that have merit based on what they've seen in the past, and to Inuyasha it's sounding like they're doubting that he loves Kagome. They don't doubt that he loves her, but they also know that he's impulsive and are trying to make him think things through. They don't want either of them to hurt each other.
Bad news time™: I've been told to reduce my stress levels as much as possible because there's something wrong, and we can't figure out what it is. The issue is that I'm not retaining salt and processing water correctly, and I haven't been since July, and no one can really figure out why. So in an effort to reduce some amount of stress, I'm going to go to an every other week posting schedule for the next couple of months. Hopefully, we can figure out what weirdness my body has decided to come up with this time and fix it.
But I hope that you enjoyed the cuddles and the chapter, and as always let me know what you think. See you all February 9th!
