Chapter 90
Sua cuique vita obscura est
"Every man's life is dark to himself"
"Most times, it's just a lot easier
not to let the world know what's wrong."
—Invisible Monsters
"Last time, she—" In abject horror, Kagome realized what she'd done and what she'd hinted at.
She'd trapped herself. Metaphorically and literally.
Crawling into Inuyasha's lap had seemed like such a good idea at the time, and it had sounded safe.
If they were going to make her talk about what happened—and what had nearly happened, then she wanted to feel safe.
Inuyasha was the closest thing to safety that she'd had.
However, now, with his arms locked behind her, it was a trap, a prison.
"Last time?" Sango echoed.
And that was when she knew that there would be no escaping, no more lying, because she had known who'd kidnapped her and whomever said that telling the truth would set you free had never been in this sort of situation.
She'd just wanted to protect them. Protect everyone.
Including herself.
Was that too much to ask?
"What do you mean 'last time'?" Inuyasha asked.
And apparently it was too much to ask after all.
Kagome knew that there would be no escaping, and even if she sat him, it would just make him angrier when he finally caught up to her.
She couldn't even put up a barrier to stop him because he could pass right through it. There was literally nothing that she could do to stop him.
She'd literally dug her own grave with her good intentions.
"Kagome," he growled out in warning, and it only made her grip his shirt tighter in her hands.
He was going to be so angry with her for not telling him about Kikyo, when he might've been able to do something to help her.
Her excuses just sounded so pathetic.
She was scared, afraid of retaliation, afraid that he would leave, afraid that he would believe Kikyo over her.
Would he still?
He'd come back to her, but when he found out what had really happened at the lake, in the trees, would he be so forgiving?
Inuyasha was nothing if not kind, but he was not kind to people who harmed those he cared about. His infinite forgiveness might become more finite once he found out the truth and what she'd kept from him.
"We are not doing this fucking shit again!" He pushed her away, breaking her grip on his shirt and holding her so that she had no place to hide her face.
Clamping her eyes shut so tightly that she began to see stars, he jostled her lightly, enough that she risked a glance up at him.
Gold eyes glared at her, narrowing as he searched her face, and she just couldn't do it.
Her mouth opened to speak, but nothing of merit came out except for tiny squeaks of sound that did nothing to help her case.
His grip wasn't tight, not threatening in any sense of the word, but he was so clearly angry. And it was all because of her.
She just wanted to help. That was all.
"What did you mean 'last time'?" Inuyasha repeated.
She looked over at Sango and Miroku, but neither were coming to her aid or attempting to rescue her.
"Don't look at them! Answer the question, Kagome!"
"I—" She started, feeling every bit of the chastised child. "We—Kikyo," the words refused to come out, and everything she tried to say ended in a pathetic whimper.
"Spit it out, Kagome," his fingers flexed around her arms, nowhere close to tight or painful, if anything it was just a physical reminder that he was holding her still. She gripped the front of his shirt, holding onto it, feeling the sharp coolness of an imaginary blade pressing against her tether to him.
"The lake," she whispered, eyes already watering. It was barely more than a whimper when it came out.
"What lake are—?" His voice drifted off, and she could only stare at her hands, even though she knew that he was staring at her.
"When you were cursed?"
"Kikyo cursed you?" The questions were asked simultaneously, but the shock was in both Sango and Miroku's voices.
Her body shook, and she felt his grip lessen, and she withdrew her hands, wrapping them around herself.
"Kikyo did that to you?" Inuyasha asked, his voice near a whisper, and all she could do was nod. She could feel it; the chasm separating growing. She was on one side and he on the other, drawing them farther and farther away from each other.
It had been a secret she'd intended to take to her grave, but now that it was out and in the open, she could no longer keep hold of all the secrets, all the lies and half-lies she'd told under the guise of protecting others, and they slipped between her fingers like silk ribbons.
The silence was staggering, and it felt like she could no longer breathe under the weight of their looks and her own past mistakes.
She'd crawled into his lap seeking comfort, but now she felt like an intruder, someone who was weighing him down, holding him back.
She'd lied to all of them. She'd known her kidnapper; she'd known who cursed her. She'd been aware of all this, but she'd lied.
If she had the chance to do things over, would she still keep Kikyo a secret?
Yes.
Probably.
She'd been the one to ruin it. She was the one who couldn't keep her mouth shut.
And now they would all find out. They would all realize—she didn't know what exactly, but she knew that it wasn't going to be good.
Inuyasha would leave. If there was one thing that Inuyasha didn't tolerate was liars, and now, she was one. She'd always been one. She'd lied right to his face when he'd asked her. She'd lied to everyone's faces.
And she'd do it again.
So what did that make her?
Her hands slowly covered her face as she let out another hard sob.
She curled inward; the only safe place was inside herself.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Sango asked, her voice quiet, and all Kagome could do was shake her head. "You should've told us. We could've helped you better."
How was she supposed to tell them? How was she supposed to tell Inuyasha that? How was she supposed to tell him that the woman he loved and Kaede admired was harmed because of her—driven to do these terrible things because of her?
Because it was her fault.
She'd taken her soul back.
She'd forced Kikyo's hand.
Ultimately, it was all her fault.
Kikyo had no choice because Kagome had made hers.
That was the reality that she'd hope to hide for just a little bit longer.
Kagome would kill Kikyo because they both wanted to live in a world that could only sustain one of them. They both wanted the love of a man who only loved one of them.
"I'm sorry," Kagome whispered, and slowly started to pull way, giving Inuyasha the space that he probably needed.
Clawed hands stopped her retreat, turning her to face him once again.
"Look at me," he ordered, and she shook her head. She couldn't. She couldn't do it.
To see that anger towards her again, it would break her.
"Kagome, look at me," he ordered, but she shook her head again. She couldn't do it. She couldn't.
He'd already left her once. She couldn't take it again.
There was a long sigh, and she knew that he was tired of her. Frustrated. Exhausted.
His hands dragged her back against him. His arms wrapped around her, tucking her in close against him, and for a moment, her brain didn't know how to process this.
She'd prepared herself to be thrown to the side, cast away—not hugged. She sniffled, still unsure of what was happening.
"This isn't the first time she's tried this shit, is it?" He asked quietly, and she flinched.
It wasn't. The lake hadn't been the first time Kikyo had tried to kill her, but again, that was a secret that she'd intended to keep from everyone for as long as she lived.
Another long sigh. She could feel the slow rise and fall of his chest as he exhaled.
"You have to talk, Kagome," he quipped, and she flinched. It was all that she could do to tell them this and she didn't even want to tell them that much.
"We just want to help," Sango added after a moment, and Kagome let her fingers clutch onto his shirt, the material soft against her fingers.
"What other times has Kikyo tried to hurt you?" Miroku asked, his voice even and quiet.
Inuyasha's hand drifted up and down her back, fingers lightly rubbing through her shirt.
It all felt like a trap. She didn't know why it did, but it did. It felt like a trap, and she was planting her foot right over the trip, and soon the jaws would snap shut around her leg, leaving her howling in misery.
She saw the trap, knew it was there, but Inuyasha was calling her across it, and she hoped that maybe, just maybe he knew something she didn't.
"Remember when everyone got trapped in the forest?" There was a long pause.
"You'll have to be more specific," Miroku said with a short laugh. "Oof!" He coughed out as Sango elbowed him in the side. "What? We've been trapped in a few different forests!" Sango stared at him, clearly annoyed. "It's a fair question!"
"Which forest, Kagome?" Sango asked after a quiet moment.
"The one where Kikyo stole my shards."
Inuyasha stiffened under her, and she flinched.
"The one where I specifically asked if she hurt you?" His eyes narrowed as he stared her down.
To this, Kagome could only nod.
"You said no!"
"I know," she whined.
"Why didn't you say anything?!" Inuyasha shouted at her, and she deserved every bit of it.
"What did she do?" Sango asked, interrupting.
"She took the shards and then sorta shoved me down a really deep hole."
"And Inuyasha saved you?"
"Eventually," Kagome answered. "She sorta shot an arrow and the ground just—I don't know—dissolved under me? But I don't think she realized that the vines were going to grab me before I hit the bottom."
"Why didn't you say something when I asked?"
Kagome shrugged.
"You showed up, and she left with the shards, and it—I don't know—it didn't seem like a big deal."
"Kagome," Inuyasha growled, grip tightening on her like he was afraid she'd try to bolt or something equally foolish. "How is that not a big fucking deal? She tried to kill you!"
She stared at him.
Didn't he get what she was saying? Did he get what he was saying?
"Why didn't you say anything?" He asked again, and she honestly didn't know what to say to that.
"It was Kikyo," she whispered back. Didn't he get it? It was Kikyo. Kikyo was trying to kill her, and he hadn't even tried to get the shards back afterwards. That meant something.
Didn't it?
"And?" He snapped, still glaring at her.
"It's Kikyo," she repeated still in a whisper.
Didn't he get it?
"And what's that got to do with anything?"
She blinked at him, and his question.
"It's Kikyo," she repeated, again, firmer this time.
"You keep saying that like it's supposed to mean something." He scowled as he stared at her. "Why didn't you say anything?" He enunciated like she was an idiot.
"Because it was Kikyo!" Her eyes watered. He was really going to make her spell it out to him, make her prove how stupid she was for ever daring to love him. How carelessly she'd planted her feelings and trust in him.
She'd always known that it would come to this. It was always going to come down to Kikyo and her. Inuyasha would have to choose, and Kagome had always known who he would choose the moment that he was presented with that choice.
And it wouldn't be simple little Kagome.
"What?" He growled. "Did you think that I wouldn't care or some shit?"
That—that was exactly what she'd thought. Not that he didn't care at all, but when Kikyo was involved, his decision making became questionable. Well, not questionable, more like he tended to agree with whatever she decided regardless of what anyone else thought.
"Holy fuck, you do think that, don't you?" He looked up at Miroku and Sango. "You all think that."
"You haven't given us much to think otherwise," Sango retorted.
"What Sango means is we know that you have very strong feelings for Kikyo."
Kagome took his momentary loss of focus on her as her moment to escape. Starting to slide off his lap, his hands grabbed her and pulled her back against him so that her back was now against his chest. His arms encircled around her middle, holding her fast in place.
"You're not going anywhere! We're clearing this up right fucking now!" He snarled, clutching her back against him.
"There's nothing to clear up," Kagome said, tugging at his arm, which remained firmly planted around her middle.
"Oh, there's a fucking lot that needs clearing up!"
"Inuyasha, please!" She pulled at his arm, but he refused to allow her to move or adjust him.
"You're not going anywhere, so sit there." He tucked his arm in tighter around her midsection to emphasize how much she wasn't going anywhere.
"So what in the fucking fucks of fucks makes you think that I don't give two shits about you?"
"It's not that," Kagome whined, still trying to avoid the entire awkwardness of the situation. She still tried to shift her way out of his lap, but he was relentless.
"Well, it sounds like that!" He growled. "Stop squirming!"
"It's nothing! It's dumb! I just want to go!"
"Yeah, well tough shit."
Kagome clutched at his arm in futile hopes that he'd let her go, but even she knew that at this point, Inuyasha had dug his heels in and wasn't going to let her go without a fight—and she didn't have it in her to give him one.
The only thing that she could do now was try to cover her soft spots from further injury. That was all.
"Inuyasha," Sango started.
"Rest of you, out," he ordered.
"I think that is a fantastic idea," Miroku quipped. "Come, Sango, let's go wander about for a while. You too, Shippo."
"But—!" The kitsune started as Miroku rose, jostling him from his lap, even as Miroku picked him up and carried him away.
"Nope," Miroku chirped, already holding his free hand out to Sango, who took it and rose to her feet. "We are not needed here."
He tugged both of his charges towards the door.
"But Miroku—"
"We'll be back shortly," he said, cutting her off and stepping outside. "Please make sure the building is still standing when you're done."
The sharp crack of the door slamming shut behind them echoed in the quiet of the suddenly very small room.
Kagome repressed the whimper building in her throat as the sound of their voices slowly disappeared.
"If I let you go, you gonna try to run?" Inuyasha asked, and she sagged.
"No." His arm released her, and she slid out of his lap, fidgeting with the hem on the sleeves of his haori. He would want it back after everything, and she figured she'd go ahead and start ripping the bandages off now. "Here," she whispered, starting to slide it off her shoulders to return it to him, but clawed fingers deftly pulled it back up.
"It's cold out," he said quietly, tugging the haori together.
"It's not that cold yet," she answered, curling her legs up.
It stayed quiet between them for a beat, and she stared at her legs before beginning to run her fingers over the edges of her nails. Finding a rough spot, she started trying to smooth out the snag by picking at it.
Inuyasha's hand covered hers, stopping her from smoothing it out.
Her eyes watered, because she knew that this wasn't going to end well. Whatever they had was going to collapse and implode, and she could feel it. Whatever she had tying herself to Inuyasha was going to go the way of any other object sucked into Miroku's wind tunnel.
Inuyasha never did well with hard conversations.
"So why do you think I don't give two shits about you?"
"It's not that," she said quietly as she stared at his hand covering hers. His fingers wrapped around her hand, and she marveled at how long and lithe they were. He was strong and handsome and a pipe dream for someone like her.
"Then what is it? Why do you think that I don't care about you?"
He didn't mean it the way that she wanted him to mean it. He didn't mean it that way.
He didn't.
She had to repeat that as a mantra.
He didn't mean it like that.
Don't get ahead of yourself.
He's just a friend.
That's all.
"What does Kikyo have to do with any of this?"
She curled her head farther in, desperately wishing that she could just burrow into a blanket and hide and pretend like none of this was happening.
Letting out a low groan, she buried her face into her knees.
He was really going to make her explain his own feelings, wasn't he?
"Kagome?" He asked.
The blanket cave was sounding more and more appealing as an option.
Everyone had Kikyo to finish off Naraku, and Kagome could just live in her little blanket hole in misery for the rest of her days.
That didn't sound so bad.
"Kikyo has everything to do with this," she finally answered, still speaking into her knees.
"Why?"
Really?
Her face must've expressed her question, because he scowled back at her with clear annoyance.
"Look, clearly, I ain't getting it, so explain it to me. What does Kikyo have to do with any of this?"
She let out a long and tired sigh.
"You love Kikyo," she said simply, and when he didn't immediately deny it, she couldn't say that she was surprised by his reaction either. He just stared at her blankly.
"I don't get it," he responded slowly, eyes narrowing.
Kagome sighed, long and quiet. It was everything that she'd felt for the past months that she'd realized she'd loved him with everything that she had and had simultaneously lost him to a woman that she'd never be able to compete with.
How was she supposed to compare to a woman who died because she'd loved him?
The best that Kagome could do was live and make the love of his life suffer. Somehow, the two just didn't compare.
There wasn't a great deal that she could do about it either.
Everything had been fine and great, as it always was before Kikyo showed up.
It was like she knew when the two of them were doing well, and then she reared her head and ruined whatever progress they made. It felt like they'd been sent five steps back when they'd only gained two in the first place.
Kagome didn't dare chance a look at him.
She didn't know what she'd see on his face, but she was sure that it wasn't going to be kind or anything she wanted to see.
It wasn't like she expected him to admit his undying love for her, but just sitting there and knowing that her love was unrequited felt like a lead weight between them, except instead of drawing them together it was only drawing her down, down, down towards the water.
Some days, the notion of drowning in her love of him felt like a relief. Just let him know and then drift away in the currents. But she could not bring herself to cut the tie entirely, no matter if it killed her in the end.
She couldn't take the silence between them. She wanted to flee, but there was no way that she was going to make it out, no way that she'd manage to escape him before he hunted her down. No way that she'd make it anywhere to allow herself time to think and process before he was down her throat like always.
Kagome just needed a minute. A minute to process whatever was happening.
She just needed a minute alone.
But she knew that he wasn't going to allow her that at all.
Not by any means.
Kagome dragged her eyes away from his, letting them linger on the door—her only real means of escape.
"Don't even think about it," he warned, hand already reaching for the sleeve of his haori to keep her in place.
"Sit," she whispered, watching the beads glow for just a moment as his eyes widened and he crashed down loudly onto the floor. And then Kagome took the coward's way out and fled.
A/N: Happy Thursday (and Good Friday and Passover and Easter-should you celebrate those holidays)!
It feels like a strangely long time since I've posted, but again thank you all for being so understanding in my reduced posting schedule. We've got 35 school days left for the school year, and I'm totally not counting down the days. 😁
I hope you enjoyed the chapter and let me know what you think! I'll see you on April 20th!
