Chapter 91
Eam numquam eam
"It was never her"
"There are darknesses in life
and there are lights,
and you are one of the lights,
the light of all lights."
—Dracula
"Sit."
The word was barely a whisper, but it struck him like it always did—quickly and fiercely. He barely had time to take a breath before he was crashing to the hard wooden floor beneath them. The air whooshed out of his lungs, chin colliding with the floor. It would've split open if he'd been human.
Kagome started to move away from him, and he saw her escape attempt for what it was. But like fuck was he going to let her get away from him.
His hand snatched her wrist, fingers completely encircling the narrow joint.
"Say it again and you're coming down with me," he warned.
"Just let me go," she whispered, tugging her wrist and attempting to free herself.
"Like fucking hell I will!" He snarled, still pinned to the ground by the spell. "You're going to go off and do some dumb shit! So fucking talk to me and explain whatever dumb ass ideas you've got going on in your head!"
"Inuyasha, please!"
"No!" He snarled again, except he was angrier this time, and it showed in the lower octave of his voice. He was fucking righteously pissed off, and completely vindicated in his anger.
She deserved every single fucking bit of it, since she wouldn't tell him what was going on. All she kept saying was "Kikyo, Kikyo, and fucking Kikyo," and when he'd asked for clarification, she'd looked at him like he was the fucking idiot.
It was like she didn't even care that he was fucking trying to understand the bullshit in her head.
The spell was starting to wear off, and he waited for it to release him. Straining against it wouldn't do anything except piss him off more, so he just waited.
When it did, he waited a beat before letting go of her wrist. He heard her intake of breath the moment he let go, saw her shifting to flee, and he moved before she could say the word again and subdue him.
He put one hand to her shoulder, shoving her back against the bedding gently, hovering over her.
"You say it, you get it too," he warned. Even though he knew that he'd dive to the side if she did say it; he'd never let her experience the hard crash to the ground—not when she was already injured. Not when it was already his fault. Narrowing his eyes, he waited for her to say something, anything that would sound like she was going to subdue him.
He waited, her eyes widening at the sudden appearance of him looming over her.
He watched her eyes clamped shut, and she shook her head like she couldn't bear to look at him.
Her nose scrunched up a bit like she was about to cry, and he softened his glower a bit. He was pissed as hell, but he didn't want her to cry about it. He never wanted to be the reason she cried.
"Kagome," he said, trying to keep the frustration and the anger out his voice.
She bit her lip, shaking her head at him.
Her hair haloed around her, and he shifted his knee to help support him a little better.
"Kagome," he stated again, and this time she turned her head away from him, tears running over the bridge of her nose and into the bedding.
This approach wasn't working at all. He couldn't judge what she was thinking half the time, but he really couldn't do it when she wouldn't even look at him.
"You have to explain it. You know I'm dumb as shit."
At that, she turned and glared at him.
"You are not!"
That had worked out exactly as he'd hoped, and he grinned as a deep pink blush started to spread over her cheeks.
"Well, clearly I am, because I ain't getting it."
She let out a long sigh, like she was resigning herself to some terrible fate.
Like he'd willingly let her suffer ever.
Kagome stared at a spot in the ceiling just off to the side, not looking at him directly just off to the side slightly.
"Everything that's happened to Kikyo has been my fault," she whispered.
He gaped at her. He started to say something, but the words died in his mouth similar to the sound a duck makes when it's neck is snapped—some sorta weird croaking squawk.
"What the fuck—how does that even fucking work?"
How the fuck did she even come to that conclusion?
How did that even fucking work?
Kagome closed her eyes again, and he clenched his jaw shut. He had to wait. He had to have patience. Even though he was very quickly running out and the urge to just shake the dumbass thoughts from her head was quickly rising.
"Nothing Kikyo has done has been your fault."
At that she opened her eyes to glare at him.
"She said that I did something and caused her to lose her powers."
"Did she say what?"
Kagome shook her head slightly.
"So then how the fuck could you be responsible? We haven't seen her in—" His brain tried to figure out exactly how long it had been, but even he couldn't tell how long it had been since they'd had a Kikyo run in. Or since she'd summoned him for a conversation with those stupid ass snake-bugs like a master calling her dog.
Maybe that should've been a sign that something was wrong.
"Doesn't matter. You have done literally jack shit to her. Ever."
"She said that it all happened after," Kagome clamped her eyes shut, "after—you know." Her words drifted off, and she looked up at him after a long moment. "Maybe the—the—what happened—maybe it had an effect."
Inuyasha inhaled. He couldn't say that she wasn't wrong, but maybe there was something to it—but even considering that what had happened to Kagome had somehow affected Kikyo this violently was near impossible. No. There was no way that what had happened to Kagome was in any way affecting Kikyo.
It wasn't like they shared a body.
Hell, Kikyo's was clay and soil; it wasn't even mortal.
"You think what happened to you stole her reiki?"
Kagome could only shrug slightly, refusing to look at his face, even as she played with her nails.
He shifted his weight slightly, reaching a hand down to stop her from picking at her nails. Her fingers stilled, and then her fingers wrapped around his, and while it wasn't exactly comfortable, it wasn't an impossible position to hold either.
Kagome took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
"Kagome, do you even hear yourself?"
Her eyes snapped up to his, narrowing in anger.
"If what happened destroyed Kikyo's ability to use reiki, wouldn't it have done the same thing to you?"
Her eyes widened as her eyes snapped to him, staring. He could see all the little pieces in her brain lining up and connecting.
"I swear, sometimes you are the smartest and dumbest person I know," he muttered. "The only reason your reiki didn't work was because she cursed you." He glared at her. "And we probably could've figured that out sooner if you'd just fucking said something about what happened instead of pretending like you didn't know."
She winced, fingers tightening their grip on his own.
"I thought it was the right thing to do."
This time, he squeezed her fingers.
"What the fuck would make you think that lying about who was trying to fucking kill you was the right thing to do?"
"I don't know," she groaned. "I was just trying to be normal."
"And what? You couldn't be bothered to tell us it was her?"
She winced again.
"It just felt like I was—I don't know—tattling on her."
Inuyasha took a deep breath trying to calm his nerves.
He shouldn't yell at her. He wanted to fucking yell, but he shouldn't yell.
Even though Kagome was spouting off the most inane bullshit he'd ever heard.
"Kagome," he breathed. "She didn't fucking pull your hair. She tried to fucking murder you! That's not fucking tattling on anyone!"
She took a deep inhale and let it out in a slow rattling breath. Her eyes were already starting to water, and his fingers dug into the blankets. He couldn't believe what she was spouting off.
"Did you think that we wouldn't care?" He asked, leaning his head down slightly towards hers. "Did you really think that we'd just pretend it didn't happen or some shit?"
"She's only like this because I took my soul back!"
He gaped at her once again, leaning back slightly.
Her eyes were clamped shut, and she held onto his hand with both of hers.
"What the fuck?" He whispered, gaping at her for a half a second. "What the fuck?" He shouted.
"If I hadn't taken it back then she'd be normal and herself."
What the fuck?
What the absolute fuck?
Kagome took a deep breath, tightening her grip on his fingers again, squeezing them.
She wasn't trying to get his attention, because they both knew that she had it. She had every bit of it and then some. There was no doubt that he wasn't focused solely on her at all. He could make out all the minute twitches of her eyes as they flicked all around him, intentionally avoiding him.
"Kagome," he managed to keep his voice even. "If you hadn't taken your soul back, you'd be dead."
Tears ran from the corners of her eyes, dropping into her hair.
"You'd have her though," she whispered.
At that comment, Inuyasha sat back on his haunches, tugging his hand away.
He didn't even know how to tell her, much less get her to believe him when he said that she was the end all, be all for him. There was no one else.
How did he tell her that he loved her?
If he said it now, she'd never believe him.
She'd think that he was just saying it to say it, and that wasn't the case.
Maybe he'd waited for so long for that perfect, ideal moment that it had passed him by, and now, he'd never be able to say it to her face and have her believe it.
All his cowardice had petered out into this moment, and he'd screwed himself with his own inaction. He'd waited for too long, and now, the moment was gone.
His love was like vines, small insidious little tendrils that wove and ducked into every single nook and cranny, and it had finally woven itself so deeply into the rock and stone, bringing the mountain down right on top of himself.
He stared at her, and she never made a move to run or to sit him, and he simply stared, trying to piece together his thoughts and what he should do or what he should say.
He couldn't tell her that he loved her, that there was no place in his heart left for anyone else. She'd taken up residence and slowly mended the little broken pieces, softening the edges, and piecing them back together the way that they should've been to begin with. She never put him back the way she thought that he should've been. Instead, she put him back the way he was supposed to be. She never wanted him to be anything less than what he was.
He took a deep breath.
Kagome was the first one who didn't want him to be more or less than what he was. She just wanted him.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
Just the hanyou.
Her hands came up and covered her face, and he could tell by the way that her chest shuddered that she was trying very valiantly not to cry.
Exhaling softly through his nose, he slowly leaned back over her, bracing himself with a hand by her head, and using the other to tug her hand away from her face. Instead, she curled onto her side, still trying to hide from him.
He leaned down so that he could whisper into her ear.
"I'd rather have you."
Kagome's breath hitched, and she curled her hands against her face, still hiding herself away.
"Don't say it if you don't mean it," she said. "You can't say something like that."
"Who says I don't mean it?"
A hiccuped breath, and Kagome slowly dragged her hands down enough that he could see her eyes. They were red and glassy, and they slowly turned towards him.
He stared at her, waiting for her to move, to do something, to give him permission, whatever, anything.
Kagome just stared at him, as if trying to figure out what his words meant.
"I'd rather have you," he repeated, hoping she could feel the sincerity behind him. It was both true and not. Yes, between the two, he'd rather have her, but it was also never a question that had to be answered. The answer was and always would be simply Kagome.
She took a deep, shuddering breath, dragging air into her lungs as her body rose with the breath.
He waited.
"You'd pick me over Kikyo?" She whispered.
He didn't get what she wasn't getting from his statement. How was what he said complicated?
He'd rather have her any day over Kikyo.
Even an alive Kikyo, restored to her former self.
He'd still pick Kagome.
Because Kagome wanted him—just the way he was. She'd begged him to stay hanyou. She'd risked life and limb to drag him back when he'd lost control. She'd fought and cried over him.
How could he not want her?
How could he not choose her?
He gave her a small nod.
Her eyes and nose crinkled, and she let out a soft half-sob twisting so that she could wrap her arms around his neck, dragging him down to her, and he let her. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, pressing her damp cheek to his, and he lowered himself to his elbows, sliding his arm around her back and the other under her neck.
He didn't want Kikyo to suffer, sure, but he didn't want that at the cost of Kagome. He could never stand the loss of her.
If the well ever closed her off from him—he buried his face into the side of her head.
He'd dig his way through if he had to.
He'd wait for her.
He didn't know how long hanyou lived on their own; as far as he knew he was the oldest hanyou he'd ever met. He'd probably live for a while though. He didn't know if he'd make 500 years, but he'd try. He might be an old man, but he'd wait to see her face again, even if it was the last thing he ever saw.
No one knew how often he looked at her, trying to ensure that he never forgot exactly what color her eyes were, the shade of her skin, the way her hair glinted in the sunlight or felt between his fingers. He never wanted to forget how she felt against his back when he ran, how her weight wasn't a burden but a grounding to keep him from drifting too far from himself and who he was meant to be.
He wanted to remember everything about her.
He never wanted to let her go.
Kagome sniffled, crying into his shoulder, and very slowly, he rolled them onto their sides, where Kagome still clung to him, and he pressed her tighter against himself. Her head rested against his cheek, and her legs rubbed against his as she cried.
Her breath hitched as she dragged in heavy gasps.
His thumb rubbed a line back and forth across the space of her shoulder blade.
It was the only thing that he could think to do while she cried herself out of it.
It had taken more time than he thought it would before Kagome cried herself to sleep, slowly sniffling herself out. He'd let her lay there, using him as a pillow, as he held her, drifting his fingers through her hair. Her breath came out warm and humid against collarbone, and her fingers twitched in her sleep.
He'd hoped that they'd at least reached an understanding. Maybe she'd finally get how important she was to him. Maybe she'd finally understand what he was trying to tell her without telling her.
Taking another deep breath, he let his claws lightly scratch at her scalp, drawing his fingers through her hair, combing it down.
He heard footsteps approaching them, and his head shifted towards the door.
"Wait here," Miroku whispered.
"But—" Shippo started.
"Wait. Here." Miroku emphasized each word before he edged the door open to their room.
"Why do we have to wait?" Shippo whispered, probably to Sango.
"We just want to make sure Inuyasha and Kagome have talked through everything," Sango whispered back.
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. Did they think that it would be quiet if they were still talking? Miroku stepped inside, eyes landing on them as he closed behind him.
Inuyasha swore that if he woke Kagome, he'd gut the monk once and forever.
"Is she asleep?" Miroku whispered, pointing to Kagome, and Inuyasha glared at him and his idiocy. "Right, good. Good." He took a couple steps closer. "Did you work everything out?"
Ah yes, because had they been fighting, this is how they'd end up at the end of it. How did the monk ever survive on his own?
Inuyasha seriously questioned how and why they kept him.
"Ah, right, got it."
Oh good, the monk had finally figured it out.
"So, do you want us to leave or—?"
No, no, God forbid that he was allowed to enjoy some modicum of peace in his life.
Friends were a blessing, they'd said. Friends would make life easier. Friends would help him.
No one said anything about friends being giant ass interruptions to any time he was going to get cuddles or any sort of affection from Kagome.
And what did the monk think was going to happen?
Like they would do something while they were gone?
Kagome didn't love him, and after everything that she'd been through, he wouldn't be surprised if she never wanted to attempt anything of the sort again.
And he was not going to be the one to push her into doing anything that might upset her. Now when she was so—so—precarious as it was.
It was probably good for her to wake up soon anyway, else she wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight.
"I'll wake her, just go away for a bit," he whispered, still glaring at the monk.
Miroku nodded taking a step back towards the door.
"We'll give you a few minutes," he said, opening the door and sliding out the side.
Inuyasha firmly rubbed Kagome's back, trying to drag her up out of her sleep.
"Kagome," he whispered, nudging her head with his cheek.
There was a small groan, and her legs stretched out, pressing against his, as her face buried into his shoulder.
He dragged in a sharp breath as her nails scratched against his neck, sending chills down to his stomach.
He silenced whatever noise was about to come out of his mouth.
Dragging in a deep breath, he felt her slowly rouse as her fingers released his shirt.
A long deep breath, and she shifted, blinking. He could feel the lashes moving against his skin, and the feeling of it made him freeze.
She made another noise, something between a grunt and a moan—if he ever got to wake up and hear that noise every morning of his natural life, he'd never grow tired of it.
"Kagome," he urged, nudging her head with his again, and she took another deep breath.
"Five more minutes," she mumbled.
"The others are waiting."
There was a long moment of silence, and he thought that she'd fallen asleep again, but she pulled herself away.
"Fine," she grumbled.
She started to push herself up, hissing at the pain in her shoulder. Inuyasha was already upright and helping pull her up to a sitting position.
"Sorry," she mumbled, reaching up to rub her injured shoulder. "I really won't be shooting an arrow anytime soon, will I?"
He winced.
"Yeah, that was deep. It'll take some time to heal," he said. "I'll go tell the others that you're up," he said, rising to his feet.
"Can you help me up?" She said, holding out her good hand to him. He reached down, holding onto her hand gently and pulling her to her feet, and steadying her with an arm on her elbow. "Thanks," she said with a smile.
He held onto her for just a moment longer than he really needed to. She was steady on her feet, even though he didn't think that she should really be up on her foot that much.
Even though she said it was feeling a little better.
"I'll—" he swallowed down a lump in his throat. "I'll go tell Miroku."
He took a step away from her, and she quickly grabbed onto his shirt sleeves.
"We're—" She licked her lips. "We're okay? Right?"
He looked at her face, staring into the eyes that owned him more than he'd care to admit.
He nodded, and her face relaxed as she looked up at him, hands falling away from his sleeve.
They were good. They were.
They could deal with everything else that came with it later.
A/N: Happy Thursday!
I took my third day off this year, and I got distracted buying a new piece of furniture for all my paper and fountain pens and ink, and yeah, time got away from me. So sorry for the late posting. It was actually completely unintentional. So my bad. I beg for your forgiveness.
I also get new drugs tomorrow that will hopefully (maybe) help my issues that I've been having lately. So cross fingers and say some prayers for me. I need a break.
I also loved reading how upset everyone was with Kagome, so I hope that this all helped settle the frustration that y'all had from the last chapter. Anyway, I'm going to go get distracted, so let me know what you think, and I sincerely hoped you enjoyed this one too.
