Chapter 94
Excepto quod non simul esses, cætera lætus
"Except that you were not with me, in other respects I was happy"
"You just know something is amiss,
when you look at someone
and long for something that is not yours
or you cannot have. It's an absence–
a loss of a heartbeat."
—Burning Bridges
Inuyasha had nearly broken the door down at Sango's shout.
He'd shoved it to the side so hard that it had rattled the whole wall when it crashed into the opening.
He'd been listening just outside the door the entire fucking time.
Sango accusing Kagome of keeping secrets—and she was—but Kagome didn't need to be fucking yelled at or lectured.
He understood, but give the girl a fucking break.
He'd knocked, and it had been Kagome that had told him she was fine.
She'd thrown a towel over Kagome's back, and she was only hastily dressed herself.
The air was damp and heavy as he strode in, youki flaring and whipping about.
"Inuyasha!" Sango's head whipped to him and the girl in front of her.
"What the fuck, Sango?" He snarled.
Kagome was sitting, wobbling in the tub, and he watched her reach out to grab the edge only to miss entirely.
He grabbed her under the arms, lifting her out, noting how she went limp as a kitten when he did.
"She's not dressed, you can't—" She started to pull Kagome away, face wet with tears.
"Tell me what I can't fucking do, and I'll give you something to cry about." He tucked Kagome into his shoulder, and she didn't move or respond to him when he held onto her.
He'd expected some sort of fight over her modesty—especially considering he had to hike out of fucking hearing distance just so she could piss.
"Kagome?" He asked, but her body had gone entirely slack in his arms.
Fuck. She'd passed out.
"What the fuck happened, Sango?"
"I don't know! We were talking—"
"You were fucking yelling," he corrected, looking around for his haori and finding on a seat behind him.
"Whatever—she said she was fine, and then she just stopped talking, and she didn't respond when I asked her if she was okay."
"Well, obviously she wasn't fucking okay!"
He wrapped her in the haori, shoving her arms through the sleeve, and keeping his gaze solely on the appropriate parts.
Once she was securely tucked into his jacket, he lightly patted her cheek.
"Kagome?" He asked, but she didn't make a single move. He leaned down, feeling her breath on his cheek and letting out a breath of his own.
"If I knew this would happen, I wouldn't have said anything."
"You shouldn't have said anything in the first place! You fuckers keep lecturing me on how fucking fragile she is, but you don't listen to your own fucking advice!" He glared at Sango. "So don't you fucking dare tell me what I can or can't do."
"I'm sorry," Sango whispered.
"Don't tell me that," Inuyasha hissed back at her, rising with Kagome in his arms. He'd draped a towel over her lap, starting towards their room. He'd dry her hair and wrap her in a blanket when he got her inside.
He just wanted to get her back into the room and hide her away.
Keep her safe.
It felt like everything and everyone was trying to take her away from him. He was allowed to have one nice thing in his life, and he wanted that thing to be Kagome.
He marched through the inn, daring anyone to stop him.
It was Miroku who stepped out of the room, looking around for him.
"Inuyasha?" He looked at Kagome, eyes wide. "What happened?"
"Go ask fucking Sango," he snarled, marching past him and into the room. He shifted his hold on Kagome to kneel down beside her bag and snatch another towel from the pile.
Miroku seemed to hesitate for a moment, before disappearing down the hallway and shutting the door behind him.
Inuyasha went to his corner of the room, snatching the blanket next to him. Her hair had soaked the cloth covering his arm and shoulder, but none of that mattered. His clothes would dry.
Shifting her weight around, he draped her over his chest, so that her back was exposed and would allow him access to dry her hair gently with the towel.
He shouldn't have listened to anyone else and just done what he wanted to begin with.
It wasn't worth what he saw.
His fingers carded through her hair gently, tugging the tangles free as he slid a towel underneath to keep it from soaking his haori even more than it already had.
He wasn't willing to let her get a chill because of Sango.
He tugged the blanket around her, tucking it in around her waist so that it would keep her legs warm while he worked.
Keeping her forehead pressed against his neck, slowly worked the towel in her hair, squeezing the water out of it.
Moving to the fire would be the wiser move, but he didn't want her to be out for anyone else to see. He wanted her safe, and safe was with him and him alone. No one else.
No one else could be trusted to keep her safe and well and happy. Turning his nose to her as he worked, he tried to relax.
The door slid open, and he saw Shippo walk into the room.
"Inuyasha?"
"Back off, runt. I'm not in the mood."
"Is Kagome okay?"
"She'll be fine," he lied. She'd be physically fine—she'd live; he knew that much at least.
Shippo took a step towards him, hesitated for a moment and then went back outside, shutting the door behind him.
Taking a deep breath, he could feel the weight of her body against him as he worked the towel through her hair.
He should've—growling at his own thoughts, he fought with himself over what he should've done and how that might've screwed things up worse.
If Kagome had been able, she'd probably sit him for marching in there while she wasn't dressed.
But he wasn't going to let anyone—distress her this much just for the sake of soothing their own wounds.
No one deserved that.
Least of all her. He paused for just a moment, holding her close and pressing his cheek against her still damp hair.
Fuck, he just needed a break for five fucking minutes.
No one trying to kick them out, separate them, kill them, just somewhere they could go and just take a fucking nap.
Preferably together.
He groaned inwardly. That sounded heavenly actually.
The door opened, and he darted his eyes up to look at who was entering. Miroku entered with an arm around Sango, who was red-eyed and sniffling.
"What?" He growled out.
"Calm down, Inuyasha," Miroku said with a wave of his hand. Shippo trotted in after them and shut the door behind them.
Sango walked over to the fire, and slumped down, taking the towel that she'd balled up in her hands and started drying her hair.
She took a deep sniffling breath as she worked the towel through her hair.
"I'm really sorry," Sango said softly as Miroku sat behind her, drawing her hair back and slowly wringing her hair out.
"Fat lot it does Kagome," Inuyasha snapped back.
Kagome let out a low groan, shifting slightly. Her hand came up to rest on his arm and the other brushed against his stomach making everything tingle.
There was a sharp inhale through her nose, and she turned her head into his shoulder.
"Kagome?" He asked, an arm wrapping around her back as she made a stuttering sound in the back of her throat as she came to.
Her fingers moved across his chest, latching onto his beads, tugging on them ever so slightly.
"Inuyasha?" She whispered, shifting again in his lap to lean away. Wobbling just a bit, he kept a firm hand planted at her side, keeping her upright.
"Take it easy." His voice was low enough that she could hear him, but no one else. "I've got you."
She blinked a couple times, and he could see her trying to work through whatever had happened in her head.
"Brought you back here after the bath," he explained as she looked around the room, and then at her clothes.
Her brow furrowed as she looked at his haori.
When she looked up at him, he could see the dazed look in her eyes, like she was still half asleep.
"Kagome?" He asked, watching her as she twisted her head to look around the room. Her eyes locked on Sango and Miroku, and he watched her eyes water and then her chin quivered.
His reaction was instantaneous, dragging her against him and holding tightly. Her hand fisted into his shirt at his back as she held onto him.
He didn't know what to say or to do except hold her. It was all he had to offer that he knew was safe and that he couldn't fuck up too badly.
There was a sharp inhale and he slid his arm around her waist and the other up to cradle her neck; her hair was still damp to the touch.
"Sorry," she whispered, and he shook his head slightly. There wasn't anything for her to be sorry about. There was nothing that she needed to apologize for.
Now there were some other people who could stand to mince a few words. His eyes drifted over to Sango.
She took a few quick breaths, trembling fists of clothing loosening until she wrapped her arms back around him.
He sighed, slouching back against the wall, holding onto her as he shifted. Turning his nose into her hair, he breathed her in for a few moments, letting the smell of her being clean and safe attempt to relax every muscle that had seemingly locked into place trying to ensure that she wasn't in danger.
Kagome sniffled just a bit, before letting her body relax against his.
"Hey Inuyasha," she breathed against his neck, and he fought the shiver that ran through his body, instead pressing his nose against her hair again. "Where are my clothes?"
Fuck.
Fuck fuck.
He had definitely not thought this far forward. In fact, he hadn't been thinking at all. He just wanted to get her somewhere safe and then he just hadn't considered getting her out of his clothes.
Fuck.
Yeah, he was so screwed.
"In your bag?" He answered weakly, preparing himself for the sit that he knew had to be coming. "You sorta passed out before you could get dressed," he answered. "I can—you can—I mean," he stuttered out, "If you want." He swallowed thickly, feeling her body tremble against his.
He panicked.
"I'm sorry!" He whispered, holding her close, afraid that she'd push him away. He just wanted her safe and warm.
A soft laugh came from her, and he shifted his head to try to look at her.
"What're you laughing at?" He growled.
Her laughter wasn't loud enough to be heard but he could hear that she wasn't crying at least.
"You," she whispered, shifting just a bit to make herself more comfortable, and those vines that seemed so malevolent, the ones that twisted up inside of him, dragging him down and tearing him apart from the inside out, and finally twisted around all the little pieces of him, pressing him together and holding him close.
And just like that, that part of him that had wound so tightly it was on the verge of snapping, just released.
He sighed, burying his nose into her hair, smiling to himself as she hummed.
"You okay now?" He mumbled into her hair. She took a deep breath, exhaling long and slow.
"I think I'm getting there."
At that, Inuyasha felt himself smile into her hair. She was getting there. They weren't taking a step backwards after all.
She shifted again, and he let her move herself ever so slightly. He took a deep breath, burying his nose into her hair.
"I should probably get dressed."
Inuyasha hummed a bit, tightening his grip slightly. He took a deep breath with his nose still buried into her hair.
"We ain't going anywhere," he mumbled, and it was true. There was nowhere they were supposed to be. They could just lounge around the rest of the fucking day. No reason for her to move, and she could just stay in his haori anyway.
It was quiet, and there wasn't enough motivation for him to move. They could just nap.
Kagome didn't seem to be fighting him on it either, so he was justified in his lounging.
Cracking an eye open, he looked over at Sango, who was fiddling with her fingers and casting mournful side eyed looks towards them.
He dragged in a deep breath of her, nose pressing into her hair.
So much for having the day off.
Stupid fucking emotional Sango.
He huffed into Kagome's hair, glaring at his two friends a few feet away.
"Here," he said, rising up to his feet, and carrying her over to the fire.
"I didn't say anything," Kagome said, holding onto his shirt as he moved the both of them beside the fire and sat down. He shifted her legs over his, and he supported her back with his other arm. She could still lean against his shoulder if she wanted to.
He sincerely hoped that she wanted to.
Fuck he wanted her to want to.
Kagome shifted a bit in his lap, turning to look at Sango a bit more.
"Hey," she said, smiling at Sango.
"Hey," Sango's voice warbled.
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Kagome's not pissed at you. I am, but she's not," Inuyasha snapped out before staring back at the fire and resting his chin on Kagome's head.
He wasn't going to say anything else. There's nothing else to say.
He had Kagome and she wasn't pissed at him for once, and he was going to enjoy their last evening of safety before everything would invariably go to shit on him.
Sango sniffled.
"You're really not?" Sango asked.
He could practically feel Kagome smile from where he held her.
"Why would I be angry?" She asked and Inuyasha let out a small snort into her hair. She had fucking plenty to be pissed about. Kagome was far too nice for her own good.
Then again that was probably the only reason that she'd managed to stick around him for this long.
Again, definitely too nice for her own good.
And he loved her so much for it.
The notion of being able to love anyone else was just impossible.
He'd die loving her.
"Do you want me to help you get dressed?" Sango asked, and he cracked a heated glare at her, hoping that she choked on her words. "I can brush out your hair."
Like him running his fingers through her hair wasn't enough. That's what he'd been doing for the entire time he'd been holding her. Grabbing a deep breath of her, he knew she was going to agree.
Fucking girl time or whatever the shit it was.
"Sure," Kagome answered, starting to rise. Inuyasha hesitated for only a moment before standing to his feet and setting her down gently, making sure the blanket stayed around her. She clutched the blanket closed around her, and already he wanted to drag her back against him and go curl up in the corner together. Or under blankets.
Fuck, that sounded like a dream.
Sango guided her behind a privacy screen to change, and already he felt like he was being left behind.
"You look like a puppy mourning its owner," Miroku mumbled, and Inuyasha's ears perked, squatting in front of the monk with a finger in his face.
"Shut your whore mouth, monk."
"Anger is a common emotion during times of mourning. Have no fear friend, I will not hold it against you."
"I'm going to fucking kick your ass—"
Kagome laughed, and his attention diverted away from the monk. She and Sango were still behind the screen, but that sound gave him a modicum of hope.
"You should just tell her, if you haven't already," Shippo commented, and Inuyasha growled, swiping his claws at the kit who darted just out of his reach.
Fucking runt was getting faster.
Kirara bounded off of his head, and he growled, chasing the kit and the cat around the room.
It didn't take him long to lose interest in chasing Shippo around the room.
He'd just sat there, listening to Sango help Kagome change her clothes.
"Could you please look less sad?" Miroku asked, sipping from a bottle of water.
"Fuck off, Miroku," Inuyasha snapped. "I'm not sad."
"I didn't say you were. Only that you looked like it."
"You know what you look like?" Inuyasha asked, opening his mouth to continue, except movement behind the screen caught his eye, and he saw Kagome coming around the edge of it, and his mouth stopped making noise as she smiled at him.
She moved towards him, and he sat upright.
She'd come sit with him again, right?
She'd let him hold her until their dinner came, right?
He wasn't about to ask for it outright, but he hoped that his stature was welcoming enough.
Kagome sank down beside him, close enough that it was acceptable—not what he would've preferred—but close enough. She looped her arm through his, holding loosely onto it, leaning against his shoulder.
He looked down at her, and she tilted her head back, flashing a smile up at him.
"You want to work on some of your school stuff?" He asked her, watching her crinkle her nose in distaste. He couldn't blame her. He didn't want her working on it either, but he knew that it was important to her.
So it was important to him.
Sort of.
Not really, actually.
She ignored everything when she worked on schoolwork, including him.
"No," she sighed out after a moment. "I think I just want to sit here for a bit."
Just sitting?
He could do that forever with her.
Breathing out in a long sigh, he slouched a little, feeling her head rest on his shoulder.
Very slowly, he moved his other hand to cover the one that wrapped around his bicep, holding very loosely onto her fingers.
Kagome's thumb slowly rolled over the edge of his finger, and he wanted nothing more than to slump to the side, dragging the both of them down, and then sleeping away the rest of the day with his face in her hair and the warmth of her body pressed against his—he could do that forever.
But there were lecher's watching, and he couldn't.
So he sat there, letting her hold onto him as much as she needed and no where near how much he wanted.
Evening was approaching, and Inuyasha could feel it. He could feel the sunlight starting to wane, and with it would go his powers too, meaning that not only would he be nearly defenseless, but so would Kagome. She wasn't in any shape to fight, and while, yes, there was Sango and Miroku—and Shippo, sort of—it didn't make him feel better.
He just wanted her to be safe, and he couldn't do that as a human. It wasn't exactly making him feel better about the whole situation, and if there was a possible worse night for him to turn human, he couldn't think of one. Why couldn't he have been stuck as a human while Miroku had him purified?
That would've been too convenient.
They'd already had dinner, and now he was just waiting.
He hated the waiting. He hated knowing it was coming, and then the inevitable change. It didn't help that more people knew. It didn't help the change or make it less bothersome that he was no longer himself.
It didn't make it any less abrupt or terrifying, because now he had a reason to hate it even more.
Before it had just been him, but now there were others that relied on him—others that he cared for, some more than others. He was sitting against the wall, clutching Tetsusaiga to his chest. He took a deep breath, bouncing his knee slightly as he waited.
Kagome's hand slid across his leg to rest on his knee.
Everything in his head silenced, and his body stilled.
"Relax," she said as the changes overcame him.
The room darkened, and her face lost the sharpness that he was so used to seeing her with.
He lost his ability to see her in the dark, and unless she was sitting right next to him, sometimes he felt like she'd get lost in the dark, leaving him alone once again. Like she'd dissolve back into the dream he sometimes thought she was.
He couldn't relax when so much was at stake; he couldn't relax when he stood to lose more now than he ever had in his life.
"It's going to be okay," she continued, and all he could feel was the weight and the fiery heat of her hand against his knee. "Miroku and Sango are here too, and—" Her words are still coming; he can hear them, but they're lost in the fuzziness of his head as he stared at her hand still on his knee.
The only thing that drew his attention from her was a knock at the door. Kagome shifted against him as his hand left his sword, resting on top of hers and squeezing her fingers lightly. She looked up at him, eyes wide, and she took a deep trembling breath.
Miroku slid the door open, speaking softly with someone before sliding it shut with a small tray in his hand.
"They have brought us tea to treat us for our patronage to their establishment," he announced, setting the small tray near the fire. He picked up two cups and handing them to Sango and Shippo and then two more that he brought over to himself and Kagome.
Kagome took it in trembling fingers, and Inuyasha steadied her hand with his own while taking his own cup with the other. Miroku went back, picking up the remaining cup before sipping from it gently.
"The tea smells lovely," Miroku said, taking a sip. "It has a unique flavor too."
Kagome sipped hers, and he watched her trembling relax.
He drank his in a couple gulps before setting the cup on the floor next to him. He took a deep breath, watching Kagome sip from her own cup.
"You good?" He asked her, and she nodded.
Sango frowned at her glass.
"Did you not like it?" Miroku asked her, setting his cup on the tray.
"Did they say what it was?" She swirled the glass, taking another sip. "I know I've tasted this before."
"They said it was a special house blend."
"We haven't gotten it before," Sango said, still swirling the glass, before taking another small sip and smacking her lips together. She held it out to Kirara, who took a small drink, before sitting back and licking her foot.
Miroku merely shrugged.
"Who knows? We should just thank our good fortune that they decided to share."
Kagome took another sip, leaning against him a bit more. He waited until she was done, and then held his hand out for the cup.
"I can take it," she said quietly.
"Whatever, give it." He wiggled his fingers at her, and she placed her cup into his hand with a huff.
Inuyasha stood, picking up his glass and Kagome's as she finished, returning them to the tray.
"I feel funny," Shippo said, wobbling where he sat. Inuyasha sat the cups down into the tray before walking back towards Kagome.
The floor lurched under his feet, and he stumbled.
"Inuyasha?" Miroku asked, and he watched Miroku start to rise to his own feet before crashing face first into the ground.
He looked back at Kagome, stumbling another step before collapsing to his knees as the world twisted under his feet, and he felt his stomach tumble along with the rest of the world. Every noise jumbled into his brain, and his arms gave out under him. He lifted his head slightly, hand reaching out for Kagome, whom he watched slump over onto her side.
The door opened behind him, and he knew that the footsteps coming up behind him were not those of any of his friends.
But it was too late, darkness encroached, and the last thing that he saw was Kagome's face, her own fingers reaching out towards his own.
A/N: Happy Thursday!
I hope that you enjoyed . . . that.
I don't know if I'm going to make the next update until July. I'm out of town and won't have access to my computer while I'm out and about, and I'm leaving Thursday morning, so I'm unsure if I'll be able to make the post. I will do due diligence and attempt to post on the 14th instead, but I make no promises. So if I don't see you in a couple weeks, I'll see you in July then.
I hope that you enjoyed the chapter and, as always, let me know what you think! I am working through my comments (recovering from the end of the year has taken more out of me than I thought it would.)
