Chapter 107
Homo solus aut deus aut demon
"Man alone is either a god or a devil"
"Vengeance is in my heart, death in my hand,
Blood and revenge are hammering in my head."
—Titus Andronicus
Kagome could feel it.
Something terrible was about to happen. It was the type of gut feeling that seeped into her bones, reaching deep down and holding tight to her innards and all the viscous material in between.
The morning had felt fine. She hadn't felt like danger was creeping up just around the corner, but the moment that breakfast ended, there it was. That creeping gnawing at her gut that felt like something was wrong. Nausea crept up into her throat at it.
It seemed like Inuyasha had been feeling it too. He'd asked her about it, and she'd honestly thought about telling him that it was nothing.
But it felt too important to ignore entirely.
She knew that she was anxious and probably worrying over nothing, but the past lingered in her head, and she'd told him anyway. It had been a selfish thing to do, because Inuyasha would probably worry about it the entire time that they were moving and then some. She should've stayed quiet and just suffered in silence. At least then she'd be the only one miserable.
As soon as they were done picking up from the morning, they were packing up and ready to go before Kagome could rationalize her fears and concerns, even to herself.
In an attempt to soothe herself, she clung to Inuyasha, keeping herself close, because he would save her. He would keep her safe.
And maybe she shouldn't rely on him so much, but the day felt weirdly oppressive and everything felt like a threat to her—to him—to everything. If he noticed, he said nothing to her about it, and let her siphon what little comfort she could from him.
So when the youkai erupted from the trees, striking Kirara, who only just recovered before a large stone came crashing into her, Kagome knew—knew that this would not end well.
It felt different.
It felt like an ending would.
Everyone toppled off as Inuyasha cursed, diving after their falling friends.
It was wrong. Every bit about this was wrong.
No one else was supposed to get hurt. No one else was supposed to get hurt. Not for her.
Kagome held tight to Inuyasha as the branches swept by them, snapping against him as he pushed off the trunk to dive after Miroku.
His hand came under her butt, making sure that she stayed with him. That even if her grip failed her, he would still be able to keep her safe.
He caught Miroku's robes before he crashed into the ground, stopping him from falling to his death.
Sango landed on her feet, as Inuyasha landed with her.
Inuyasha was prepared to fight whatever had attacked them, and he turned towards the creatures that had knocked them all out of the sky. But that feeling—the one that made her body roil with discomfort and nausea—reared its head full throttle. It wasn't that she didn't want to stay, but she couldn't.
They needed to put some distance between them and the youkai. It was too convenient—too similar.
"You good?" Inuyasha asked as Sango slipped down to the ground, rubbing her shoulder from where she'd used Hiraikotsu to slow and stop her manic fall to the ground.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
The trees and the ground rattled around them. Leaves fell to the ground in a slow drift.
"We need to go," she insisted, fingers gripping his haori even tighter.
"We can take them—"
"No! We need to go! Now!" She yelled, and she felt her nails dig into his skin beneath the fabric of his shirts, chest tight as the anxiety rose like a tidal wave, ready to crash down upon her at any moment. "Go!"
She urged them all to flee, to run away, to avoid the fight this time, because she knew if they stayed and fought, then something terrible would happen. They just needed to get away from here. If they could outrun it, they would be safe.
She could feel it.
But Inuyasha listened to her. He turned and ran, even though she knew he didn't want to. He'd still done it, because she'd asked him to. He'd run when he would've rather stayed and fought.
He'd listened to her.
His fingers tightened their grip on her, and she clung to his shoulders with every available and functional muscle she had.
"Care to tell me why we're bailing on these fuckers?"
It wasn't them that she was worried about. It wasn't youkai that made every hair on her neck stand completely on end. It was the threat of what was provoking them. Youkai rarely—well, the ones that they usually encountered—rarely used methods such as these to bring them down.
No, this was something else entirely. This was something beyond just a routine youkai trap.
Too coordinated to just be normal. Too coordinated against them specifically.
Because there was one person in their recent history who'd used youkai to trap and harm them.
"It's not—"
She never even heard the whistle of the fletching, but she saw it just as it hit him, right in the chest, and he hit the ground, sending her tumbling across the forest floor to a bruising halt.
Her body struck the ground with significant force. The rocks and twigs cut and scraped her skin, and she knocked her head against the earth hard enough that she struggled to figure out if she was still moving or if everything else was. Every bit of breath shoved out of her lungs with fervor, making her hack and cough, and her eyes water.
She lifted her head as soon as the world stopped moving with a groan to see Inuyasha, flat on his back, head turned towards her and wide-eyed.
A snapped arrow stuck straight up out of his chest with an ofuda speared through it.
He'd been subdued. He was vulnerable now.
As was she.
"Inuy—!" Her voice caught as—she could only describe it as murky—reiki went up about them.
Clear and good reiki felt like a tinkling bell when she ran into it. This felt like sludge that washed over her skin and made her want to take a bath—several baths. This wasn't good. It felt like it had been tainted. Even Tsubaki's reiki didn't feel like this.
This felt like every bad thing in the world given a physical form, and Kagome didn't know if she could purify it back to the way it was.
Not without losing something along the way.
Footsteps came to her left, and she turned, the red and white catching her attention as Kikyo stepped into view. Tall, lithe, and still not looking quite like herself.
This Kikyo looked tired—haggard. Like someone who had burnt the candle at both ends and was left with nothing more than a wick and bit of wax, and continued to apply a butane lighter to make the fire hotter, more dangerous.
Her eyes snapped to Miroku and Sango to her right, now fighting the exact youkai that they were running from.
The ones that she'd insisted they run from. The ones that she'd tried to get them to escape.
It had been her choice—her insistence that had gotten them into this.
She thought they were getting them out of a trap, and instead, she'd made them run full tilt right into one.
"Little girl," Kikyo said, holding her bow at her side. "I think you know what I'm here for."
It took Kagome a second to remember, but she did.
A loud thud drew both of their attentions as Hiraikotsu smacked into the barrier. Sango looked about ready to burn the world to the ground, every bit the glare of a trapped cat with one way out.
"This barrier will not falter. Not until I will it," Kikyo said, turning her gaze from Sango and back to Kagome. "No one will come to save you, and Inuyasha is incapacitated." Kikyo slowly turned her head towards Inuyasha, giving him a strange and cool look.
Kagome had seen that look before. On Kikyo, on other priestesses—it was the look of someone who saw their enemy as less than themselves.
"Don't!" Kagome said, voice breaking. "Don't hurt him!"
"You would give me orders?" Kikyo said, fingers lightly rubbing an arrow shaft as she held her bow still and ready.
Kagome faltered, mouth opening but no sound came out. She knew what she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure how badly she could piss of Kikyo and not have her shoot Inuyasha—or her.
She didn't know where the line stood anymore.
"Who are you to give me orders?" Kagome retorted, every bit of her false bravado in her voice.
"Little girl, I am—"
"My name is Kagome!"
Kikyo gave her a look of disdain and something almost akin to disappointment.
Why was she waiting? Why wasn't she just shooting an arrow like she did last time?
Kikyo had something to prove, didn't she? But what?
"You are nothing more than a useless copy!" Kikyo shouted, the white of her teeth flashing in her venomous words.
"Then purify the jewel shard in your chest, Kikyo!" Kagome dug her fingers into the earth, because she knew that Kikyo couldn't purify anything. "Do it!"
A loud reverberating thud came from the barrier as a large something slammed into it, but Kagome kept her focus on Kikyo. She couldn't risk looking away.
"If I'm so useless, then do something that I can't!" Kagome pressed.
Kagome felt her chest heaving the more she yelled at Kikyo, and a tiny part reminded her that Kikyo could currently walk, and Kagome could not.
Well, she could, but it was going to hurt.
Everything about this confrontation was going to hurt in one way or another, to be honest.
"Do it!" Kagome shouted. "Purify the shard!"
Kikyo stared at her, eyes narrowing and her fingers gripped the bow so tight that the knuckles turned a paler white than they already were.
Despite her small handicap, Kagome never saw the bow move as it struck her across the face. She'd been too preoccupied watching the arrow in her other hand.
That had seemed the bigger threat at the time, but she was mistaken.
Again.
A sharp pain rattled through her head, and she struggled to keep herself together, even as her eyes watered and ran over.
Pushing herself up, she could feel the anger radiating from Kikyo. Perhaps that had been a step too far.
But Kikyo was right about one thing, Kagome was on her own.
She was going to have to save herself and Inuyasha.
No one was coming to save her this time.
Pushing herself up from where she'd been knocked to the ground, she looked up at Kikyo.
Kagome wasn't about to give her what she wanted.
Because Kagome belonged to only Kagome and no one else.
"Why are you so angry, Kikyo?" She asked, reaching up with wipe her face. Her hand came away bloody, and it felt like she had a bloody nose. "What could possibly upset the great and powerful Kikyo?"
She watched Kikyo's face crack from its stern glare to something that possibly resembled fury as her fingers that clutched the arrow, gripped it so tightly that it snapped and the fletching fell to the ground.
Well, maybe she'd been a little too aggressive. She wasn't exactly at a hundred percent, and she wasn't exactly armed, and Kikyo was all of that and then some.
The arrowhead wavered in her direction, and she tried to swallow down her nervousness.
Kikyo loomed over her like she always did. No matter what Kagome did or achieved, it always seemed like Kikyo was this taller, bigger, better, faster statute that Kagome always fell just short of matching.
Kikyo knew more. Kikyo shot better. Kikyo mastered her reiki. Kikyo held the whole jewel for years. Kikyo fought demons alone and without help. Kikyo never needed rescuing. Kikyo never messed up. Kikyo always did the right thing. Kikyo never got angry or shouted. Kikyo always knew what to do.
Kikyo was everything that Kagome was not.
Kikyo had everything that Kagome did not.
Kagome took a slow deep breath.
She needed her arrows and her bow. She needed something defend herself with.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to find all her courage and hold it as fast and close to her chest as she could.
Her eyes sought the clearing in short bursts, trying to find them.
And she did, but then, there they were.
Strewn haphazardly outside the barrier, and completely out of her reach. She had nothing but herself.
Kagome caught the lunge coming and threw up a barrier, watching the arrow head flick off of it.
Rage flitted across Kikyo's face as she stabbed the arrow into the barrier over and over and over, only to watch the head snap off and fly somewhere out of her reach and Kagome's view.
Kikyo let out a low growl, and she slammed her bare hands against it. The dull thud reverberated throughout the shield around her.
"Come out!"
"No!"
Another shout of frustration as she slammed her hands against it again.
"What do you want, Kikyo?"
"You know what I want!" She raged, banging her fists against the pink bubble surrounding her.
"Why now? What's changed?"
"I will talk to you when you take the barrier down," Kikyo said, seething. "You can't hide under there forever. I know how strong you are."
"Do you?" Kagome asked, eyes narrowing at the insinuation. "Because a lot has changed, Kikyo."
Kikyo's eyes narrowed and another loud bang reverberated along Kikyo's barrier, and Kagome flinched a little as a large body bounced off of the side of the barrier.
Sango leapt back and then swung Hiraikotsu at something just beyond Kagome's purview.
"I told you, this barrier doesn't come down until I will it." A small grin passed over Kikyo's face, and it felt wrong to see it.
"Put the bow and arrows down and I'll take the barrier down."
"Your friends do not have time for you to be playing such games, little girl."
Kikyo's eyes shifted to Inuyasha.
"You would allow him to suffer?"
Kagome bristled at that.
"I'm not the one that shot him with an arrow! I'm not the one who keeps hurting him! You are!"
"Come out of your barrier and speak such bold words."
"I don't have to do anything!"
"Fine," Kikyo said coolly, tossing away her quiver and her bow off to the side, away from Inuyasha. "I have done as you ask, now take it down."
Kagome hesitated.
Something was wrong—off—about this. It was too easy. Far, far too easy. Kikyo was never this accommodating unless it worked in her favor.
Except Kagome couldn't figure out what was in her favor at all.
But she'd agreed to it, and so Kagome lowered the barrier separating them. There was enough space that maybe Kagome could defend herself or get up another barrier before whatever Kikyo could do whatever it was that she was planning.
Chancing a quick look at Inuyasha, she saw him watching her and Kikyo as he clearly struggled against the ofuda. His muscles twitched, and she tried to figure out a way to him in order to free him.
If she could do that, then part of her problems would be a lot less daunting.
And Kikyo's one prisoner wouldn't be able to be used as collateral.
The real question was if Sango and Miroku would be able to hold out on the other side of the barrier long enough for her to actually do something.
Sango and Miroku were clearly holding their own with Kirara and Shippo, but Kikyo was right. It wasn't fair, and they would slow down.
And if one of them got hurt because of all this?
It wasn't right or fair or—or anything.
Kagome knew—deep down—that this wasn't her fault. She knew that, but it didn't stop the guilt from slipping in.
"What do you want, Kikyo? Really? Because we both know that having my soul isn't going to make you human again."
Kikyo stared her down, eyes narrowing. Fingers curling into fists.
"You took everything from me."
So it was the same old dance again.
"Kikyo, I haven't taken anything from you that wasn't mine from the start. You can't blame me for living!"
"You took my life!"
"And you're trying to take mine! I'm sorry you died, Kikyo! You have no idea how sorry I am, and if I could fix it, I would!"
"Then rectify it!"
"I can't! No one can! Don't you get it? You died, Kikyo, and no one can change that! Not even wishing on the jewel could change it."
Kagome shifted her weight a bit, trying to prepare herself for a lunge—leap—whatever she could manage to make before Kikyo could stop her.
It would be painful.
All of it would hurt.
Inuyasha wouldn't allow her to be killed. Even if it was Kikyo doing the harm in the first place.
But he needed saving too.
"I deserve to live a full life!" Kikyo shouted back at her, taking a firm step towards her. Kagome slid back in the dirt, trying to angle herself towards Inuyasha a little bit more.
"So do I!"
Kikyo glared at her, and Kagome kept scooting backwards, drawing herself slowly closer towards Inuyasha.
"No one said you deserved to die, Kikyo. I don't want you dead. I never wanted that. I just want to live my life too."
"But you are here meddling in affairs that do not concern you instead."
Kikyo turned to look at another loud bang and Kagome took her opening, lunging for Inuyasha and the arrow protruding out of his chest.
Her fingers stretched far and wide as cold fingers dug into her wrapped ankle, jerking her backwards and making her scream.
She just barely skimmed the fabric of his haori as she was dragged away by her injured ankle. She kicked out her other foot, catching Kikyo at the knee. It didn't hurt her, but it did make her drop it as she sent Kikyo to her own knees.
With a growl, Kikyo lunged for her, and Kagome only just managed to roll onto her back to brace herself against the blow. Her arms came up to shield her face, and she felt Kikyo's knee land in the middle of her gut, knocking the air out of her lungs.
She hacked and coughed as Kikyo sat back, drawing something out of her robes.
Cold fingers wrapped around her throat as the other hand rose up, and Kagome only just caught sight of the knife before it was plunging down towards her chest.
Fingers gave up trying to free her throat, and she instead reached up, trying to stop Kikyo's blade from piercing her chest.
Her fingers caught Kikyo's wrist as she squirmed, legs and feet trying to find some sort of purchase to help her push the blade away.
It was short but sharp enough to kill her.
And Kagome knew that this was the last time that Kikyo was going to let her walk away from one of their encounters.
Kikyo intended one of them to leave this place alive, and Kagome knew who Kikyo wanted it—intended it to be.
It really was kill or be killed, except Kagome wasn't willing to stoop that low. She couldn't kill her, no matter the cruelty Kikyo had shown her. Kagome couldn't do it.
Not with Inuyasha watching.
Even if he wasn't watching, Kagome couldn't find it in her to land the killing blow—merciful or otherwise.
Kagome watched the blade lower, trembling and wavering as Kikyo struggled against her.
The hand on her throat was crushing her airway and making her eyes water. The blade of the knife nicked and cut her palm and fingers as she pushed back against it.
And despite herself, she was struggling to keep Kikyo's one arm at bay.
She didn't want to die. She didn't want it to be over. She didn't even care about losing or winning. She just didn't want to die.
She'd fought so hard to get to here, and she knew she could make it farther if she was just given enough time.
Kagome could do great things too.
But the knife came lower and lower until Kagome realized that there was no way to stop it.
That knife was coming down no matter what.
So Kagome decided to stop fighting and let the knife drop.
A/N: Hey guys! Happy Thursday!
There's been a lot that's happened, and unfortunately, it's nothing good. But I'm here, and I totally remembered that I needed to post a chapter tonight without my phone reminding me. 😬
I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and as always, let me know what you think.
