Chapter 110
Parce sepulto
"It is ungenerous to hold resentment toward the dead"
"But remember that
forgiveness too is a power.
To beg for it is a power,
and to withhold or bestow it is a power,
perhaps the greatest."
—The Handmaid's Tale
Inuyasha watched the serpentine creature slide through the trees as its tail followed its path.
His eyes widened, watching it curl about a tree and disappear.
His heart sank low into his chest, and the dread rose like bile in his throat. Another appeared, the two winding around trees and each other.
He didn't want her here. He wasn't ready to face her yet.
He wanted Kagome here. He wanted her to see that he chose her. He chose Kagome. He'd always chosen Kagome when he'd had a choice to do so. And when he didn't? He'd fought it, broke free, so he could be here—alive—with her.
She was worth dying—and living—for.
The name of his long dead love died on his lips in fear that saying the name of her would bring her here.
He just wanted her safe. Why was that too much to ask?
He rose to his feet, nudging Sango's leg with her own.
"What?" She muttered, sitting up slowly, and rubbing her face, but even she saw the creatures in the night. "Shit!" Sango shouted, climbing haphazardly to her feet, a staggering couple of steps before she was upright.
"Sango?" Miroku asked, voice gravelly with sleep.
"She's here!" Sango hissed, and Miroku rose up with a grunt and a groan as he slowly climbed to his feet with Sango's help. Sango threw his staff at him and hefted Hiraikotsu up with a pained grunt.
A third one joined the group, and Inuyasha felt Shippo dart behind his leg and move to stand beside Miroku.
"Do you see her?" Sango asked quietly.
"No," Inuyasha said, eyes scanning the dark woods beyond where the serpents were.
"I believe she's waiting for you to come to her," Miroku pointed out, and Inuyasha growled at that.
"If she wants to talk, then she can come here!" Inuyasha shouted into the trees. The serpents slowly drifted away, taking their extra light with them.
"Do you think that was wise?" Miroku asked him, still gripping onto his staff a little too tightly to be normal.
"I'm not going. I ain't leaving her," he shifted Kagome in his arms just a bit. "And you two aren't in great shape either."
His gaze drifted back towards the trees.
"She wants to talk, then she can come here. She's not the one who holds my leash."
It didn't take long before he could see a figure slowly making their way towards them.
"She's coming," he hissed out, tightening his grip on Kagome.
Sango drew her sword, the light from the moonlight through the trees drifting through and striking the metal blade.
Miroku's staff jingled as he shifted his stance.
"I only came to talk," Kikyo said, pausing in a cluster of trees several steps away.
"Then talk," Inuyasha ordered.
"I had hoped that we could do this privately."
"Either talk here or leave," Sango snarled.
"I am afraid that you have long since lost your privileges to make those types of requests," Miroku said as he gripped his staff firmly in his hand.
There was a moment of silence between all of them, and Inuyasha could hear Sango's grip on her sword tighten.
Kikyo blinked once before giving a slow nod of her head towards them, clasping her hands in front of her and keeping them where they were easily visible.
"You're right. I don't have the ability to ask that of anyone after what I've done to all of you."
That—that hadn't been the reaction that he was expecting from her at all, and all Inuyasha could do is blink at them.
If anything, he'd been expecting for her to do something malicious like she'd almost always done since she'd been resurrected.
"I will admit, this is the closest that I've come to feeling like myself since—" The words drifted off from her and Inuyasha knew what she meant. "Since I returned to the land of the living."
She held her hands out to him.
"What she said earlier—I was so angry, so hurt by everything, that it clouded my reason and judgment. I am very sorry for what I have done, for what worth that holds."
"What happened to you?" Inuyasha asked.
This felt like Kikyo. The real Kikyo, the one that he knew and remembered, and at one time, loved.
"Spirits aren't meant to be brought back from the dead. We are meant to stay there and reincarnate into our next lives. When I died, I was so angry at you, because you'd betrayed me," she held up a hand for him to stop before he could interrupt. "I know now that it wasn't you. I know that, but—"
"You didn't know that when you died," Miroku finished, and Kikyo gave a subtle head nod towards him.
"And when I came back and I saw you with that girl," she sighed. "I was never allowed to express myself, and now I was free to rage against anyone I wanted." She sighed. "It was wrong. I knew that I wasn't myself when I returned, and I knew that I shouldn't have returned at all, but the unfairness of it—" She made a vague sweeping gesture with her hands as if that explained everything.
"So what made you go after Kagome?" Sango asked her.
"She was my reincarnation. She held a part of me that I couldn't take back, except by force."
"Meaning you would have to kill her."
Kikyo could only nod at that, and Inuyasha could physically hear Sango gritting her teeth together.
"I thought we were past this, Kikyo," Inuyasha said with a small shake of his head.
"I was—for a time."
"What changed your mind?" Miroku asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Kikyo said, waving a hand at Kagome.
"Not in so many words, I'm afraid. That's something that we've been trying to figure out." Miroku's hands tightened on his staff as he spoke.
Kikyo blinked, starting to speak and then stopping. Her brows narrowed as she looked at each of them.
"You are not so serious?" She asked, confusion spreading across her face even more as she looked directly at him, glancing at Kagome in his arms. "You should know."
"Know what?" Inuyasha snapped out.
"You saved her," Kikyo pointed out, and Inuyasha let out a sardonic laugh at that.
"No," he corrected. "I was too late. She almost died."
Kikyo shook her head.
"She was dying, and then you saved her."
"Kikyo, I have no fucking clue about what you're talking about."
She started a bit at the curse, and he cringed inwardly at using one in front of her. He shouldn't, but he'd never done so before now, and it still somehow felt wrong.
She stared at him, brows furrowing deeper and deeper.
"None of you," she started, eyes widening as she finally realized that they weren't just pretending to be lost in the conversation, and that they actually were.
"If you would be willing to explain, that would be most excellent," Miroku stated.
"You gave her your blood," Kikyo said. "I knew the moment you did it, because we changed."
"What do you mean I gave her my blood?" Inuyasha asked. "I didn't give her anything like that!"
"She was dying, and I assumed you gave her your blood to save her. I could feel her slipping away from where I was."
Sango visibly stiffened beside him.
"What?" He snapped out at the slayer.
"Kikyo's right," her voice was quiet, nearing a whisper. "Right after—right after we found her, she was flailing around, and you pinned her, and she bit you."
Inuyasha remembered vaguely her biting his fingers as he tried to keep her from biting off her own tongue.
"But—" He started before silencing himself, because it all made sense now.
She'd survived all those things.
"You can feel it now, can't you?" Kikyo asked, watching him with something akin to fascination. "You're exhausted, even though she's the one who's overexerted herself."
And fuck him if she wasn't right. He was fucking whipped. If it hadn't been for the fact that he needed to stay awake—absolutely had to stay awake, he'd be passed out right next to Kagome.
Two trains of thought were crashing together in his brain, like two stags fighting over territories.
CRACK!
He'd tethered Kagome to himself.
CRACK!
No one else could claim her as anything.
CRACK!
Kagome would live as long as he did.
CRACK!
Kagome was fucking his.
That deep dark thing that prowled around inside of him preened at that, a dark satisfaction bloomed—welling up inside of him. She was his, and that was oh so important.
She was his and his alone.
She would be with him for as long as he was alive. He'd never live a day without her.
Inuyasha clutched her tighter against his chest, like he'd just been given a boon, a gift, the best gift anyone could've ever given him. He'd thought that he'd have to sacrifice Tetsusaiga to save her. Beg Sesshomaru or his mother or some other weird shit to keep her with him.
He didn't want to die, but he wanted to live in a world without her even less.
But he'd been around for so long already, and he didn't know how long he had, but he would always want it to be with her.
"I felt it," Kikyo told him. "I knew when it happened."
"Because of your souls?" Miroku asked, brow furrowed in thought.
"Partially," Kikyo admitted, "but I knew it because I was cut off."
"Cut off from what?" Inuyasha asked, half-curious and half-afraid of the answer when Kikyo motioned to the still unconscious Kagome.
"Our reiki."
"Wait, you were using her reiki before?" Miroku asked.
"Reiki isn't an infinite thing, monk. It transfers with the soul and appears when the body can handle and manifest it properly."
"So when you died," Sango started.
"My reiki stayed with my body, and this," she gestured to herself, "is not my body."
"But you were resurrected and you had reiki?"
Kikyo shook her head.
"I had part of her," she gave a slight motion to Kagome, "and that connection allowed me to use it."
Kikyo looked directly at Inuyasha.
"Didn't you find it odd that for being so formidable that she could barely manifest it at will?"
Inuyasha started to speak, but his brain still felt like it was trying to slog through mud.
He'd seen her do it in the beginning; she'd practically fried that centipede without even thinking about it. Just held her hands out, and the air crackled with the sheer magnitude of her power.
She'd hurt the thunder brothers with and without arrows, and then after Kikyo was brought back, she'd just stopped.
"She wasn't trained. She didn't know how to—" Kikyo shook her head, cutting Inuyasha off.
"It was me," she explained. "I held onto her reiki until she took it from me by force. It's why it was so hard for her to do anything with it. She couldn't, because I was stealing it from her."
"So that was why any training we did was useless," Miroku said, leaning back just a little.
"And when that connection between us was severed—when you," she nodded to Inuyasha at this point, "saved her, I couldn't use it anymore."
It felt like he'd been kicked in the chest and then slammed into a wall.
He'd called her weak. How many times had he called her weak and useless?
He'd been the one telling her everything that Kikyo could do and do better, and it had never been her fault.
He'd been a self-righteous asshole, and she still somehow deemed him worthy to still care about.
He'd said so many terrible things to her.
His legs felt weak and trembling, and he didn't think it was anything to do with her leeching power and healing from him.
"I—I'm ashamed to admit it, but I lost myself. I was so angry. It all felt like a betrayal."
"And you tried to kill her." Kikyo nodded at Sango's accusation.
"I haven't been myself since I returned, but I don't think this version now is too far off from the original." Kikyo gave him a wan smile, clutching her fingers together. "She was right. I didn't love you, not really. And I never wanted to be truly normal. I wanted to live a normal life, but I wanted to keep what made me special even more than that." She looked off at the trees to the side, falling quiet for just a beat. "I think what I was asking of us—of you—I had no right to make that demand. I think—I think that I would've destroyed us both in the end." Her eyes flitted to him as she bowed lowly. "I can only beg for your forgiveness in my actions towards all of you," she rose up to stand in front of him, "but especially you, Inuyasha."
"Kikyo," Inuyasha breathed. He knew that he needed to say something, but he didn't know what.
"That's why you were using a jewel shard," Miroku interrupted.
"It was wrong. I knew that, but I was so desperate that I did it anyway."
"Is that why it was so tainted?" Miroku asked, shifting with a grimace to lean back on his staff.
"Partially. I was using the jewel for selfish reasons, and in doing so, I was tainting it with my selfishness and greed."
"Then what else was tainting the jewel?" Sango asked, hand still gripping her sword. "There's a wolf youkai—he's been using the shards with no issue, and suddenly, he attacked us."
"Someone else is spreading the corruption too. I was merely the catalyst and manipulated the jewel for them," she said simply.
"That's not helping."
"Without my reiki, I simply can't tell anything more than that, and I fear that Kagome is not trained well enough to understand the differences."
"She could learn," Inuyasha said.
"It took years for me to train, Inuyasha. Years of dedicated learning," Kikyo told him. "She doesn't have the time to hone and develop skills."
"Kagome is a fast learner," Miroku said, "but even I would doubt that she could learn it as quickly as is needed."
Inuyasha glared at the monk. Kagome was a fast learner, and there hadn't been a problem that she hadn't been able to solve somehow. She'd be able to figure it out. She was smart; she was strong.
His.
She could do it.
Kagome stirred just a bit, and Inuyasha looked down at her, watching her face scrunch up in discomfort, but she didn't wake.
He didn't know if that was for the better or worse. He wanted her to know that he wasn't hiding his visits with Kikyo. He'd never visit her alone again. He'd take her with him wherever he went, if he even went. As far as he cared, he'd just make Kikyo come to him from now on. If she had something to say, she could say it to all of them.
There would be no secrets between them.
Kagome settled, her face relaxing back into something that resembled sleep.
He looked back up at the group, who were all staring at him.
"What?" He asked, holding Kagome a little closer to himself.
Kikyo had an odd look on her face, and he felt himself shrinking in on himself at it.
"It's nothing," Kikyo said. "I am sorry that I stared. It's only that," her voice drifted off, and he tried to not snap at her, but it felt like she was seeing something that she hadn't earned yet. She shook her head instead of finishing, and that irritated him too.
"What?"
"In all the time I knew you, you never looked at me like you look at her." Inuyasha didn't know what to say to that, and so he said nothing at all.
"Kagome has a strange effect on everyone that she meets," Miroku said. "She is very forgiving, even to those of us who don't feel like they deserve it."
Kikyo said nothing in response, and despite the meeting going as well as it was, he couldn't help the almost instinctual urge to tuck Kagome close and prepare to run.
"I must admit," Kikyo started, "I said such cruel things to her. I wanted to destroy her and her spirit. I feel as though I will never earn her forgiveness."
"Ah, but that is the best part about our dear lady. She forgives so easily that it is almost a flaw."
Inuyasha glared again at the monk, even though he wasn't wrong. Kagome was so forgiving, and if it wasn't for that, then he would never have achieved what he had. He'd never have what he had right now.
He had Kagome, and he'd never be equal to her. He'd forever be in her debt for everything that she'd done for him. He'd spend his lifetime trying to make it up to her.
"I suppose we will see how far her forgiveness goes." Kikyo looked back at the dark woods for a long beat, not saying anything, but Inuyasha had a feeling that she needed to say something else. "I will do my best to not call on you in the future. I think that it would be for the best."
"Kikyo," Inuyasha started.
"No," she interrupted, putting a hand up. "No. I have been the one clinging to the past and holding you accountable crimes for you did not commit, and for that I cannot apologize enough." Kikyo broke her eyes away from his and stared somewhere else. "I am tired. I have been walking longer than my spirit was meant to, and I am weary. I think that I would like to go back to rest."
Inuyasha exhaled.
That had been all he'd wanted.
He'd just wanted her to be at peace, at rest.
That was all.
"I will let you all rest, and I will make sure that you are safe."
Kikyo turned away from them, and Inuyasha could only blink and stare at her retreating form.
"Lady Kikyo," Miroku called, and both Inuyasha and Sango could only stare at him. "I do have one question." She turned towards him, but did not come any closer. "How were you able to use reiki if you couldn't access Kagome's? You bound Inuyasha and those youkai in the woods. You've set up complex barriers with no reiki source."
Kikyo let out a long sigh as her face turned into almost a grimace at her actions.
Kikyo, as far as he knew, had never shown any regret in anything that she'd done, but maybe he'd never really known her after all.
"There was a priest who had passed my way, and who had great knowledge of barriers and youkai. He gave me some ofuda that would help me take down a youkai. I am not proud of what I said to convince him, nor what I have done to achieve ends that were—well, they were purely meant to harm."
Kikyo looked at them again.
"I can only beg for your forgiveness, and do what I can to help you recover."
Kagome stirred again, and Inuyasha shifted her weight just a little so that she was better supported against his shoulder.
"I think it best I leave you all for now. I will come find you if I find more news of Naraku or his incarnations."
"Kikyo, I—" Inuyasha started, but Kikyo herself put a hand up.
"Kagome was right, I longed to live as a normal woman, and it seems I have finally gotten my wish and my punishment. I should experience this at least once before I return to where I have earned my place."
That wasn't what he wanted. He'd never wanted her to suffer. In all his hatred for her when he'd awoken, he'd never wanted her to suffer. When he'd found out the truth, he'd regretted falling into the trap—believing so easily that the woman he'd claimed to love so dearly had betrayed him. When she'd been resurrected, he knew it was wrong, no matter how much he'd wanted to explain, no matter how much he hadn't wanted her to hate him, he knew that she shouldn't be here.
Her time—and consequently theirs as well—had long since passed, and they would never reclaim it.
Not if it cost him Kagome in the end.
But Kikyo turned and walked away from them. Her serpentine followers trailing after her, illuminating her walk away into the dark trees of the forest.
She paused several strides away, and she turned towards them slightly.
"I have been nothing more than a parasite in both of my lives, and I will do my best to make up for it."
He stood there watching her go and feeling a tumultuous roiling in his gut.
There was no part of him that wanted to chase after her and attempt to pick up where they left off—much to the disbelief of others—but he knew that she was lonely, like he'd been once.
And loneliness was a form of suffering that was quieter and left no visible marks.
He knew what it was like to be so lonely his body ached.
He knew what it was like to suffer.
"Well, that was anti-climatic," Miroku stated, lowering himself back to his bedding with a pained grunt. "But I think I'm going to sleep for the entire next day now."
Sango set Hiraikotsu down with a little less care than she normally did and practically flopped down next to Miroku, dragging the blankets over them both.
"Thank you, beloved," he mumbled, shifting it a bit before sighing heavily.
Inuyasha could only stand there and stare at the two of his friends, who had for the most part just decided that everything was safe and they could go to sleep now with little to no worries.
Meanwhile, he's just standing here, holding Kagome with no one giving two shits about it.
He stared for a moment, trying to gather his senses, before settling down himself and holding Kagome in his lap.
A small thrill ran though him.
She was his and had been this whole time.
Leaning back against the wall, he held her close, letting his nose fall into her hair as Kagome breathed and her heart beat right next to his own.
A/N: Thank you guys so much for the well wishes (both for me and my kitty). We're both doing better, and I'm so thankful for all the support you all have expressed and given!
I have a functional fridge now and I'm currently borrowing my mother's car. Coworker is still a bitch, but now she's just not talking to me, so I guess that's a good thing? ️ Kitty is responding to his meds, and now doesn't have terrible man farts and has actual real poop. He doesn't have lymphoma (yay!) but he does have inflammatory bowel disease, which we can mediate with steroids. His kidney disease is being maintained with a powder that I mix into a little bit of canned food. He's got good news.
As for me, I'm better but not great. I managed to get my knee popped back into place and that's helped a lot. But like everything else is still messed up or not functioning properly. To give you an idea, the doctor did a reassessment, pressed on my calves, and my ankles have been hurting ever since. So it's a process.
But thank you so much for the support and the patience in waiting for this chapter. I hope that it was worth the wait.
