Chapter 111
Plus dolet quam necesse est, qui ante dolet quam necesse est
"He who grieves before it is necessary, grieves more than is necessary."
"Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me."
—The Book of Hours
The world was a dark place.
Kagome had discovered this the hard way, and just when she'd thought that she'd learned the lesson enough, the world felt the need to teach it to her again. Over and over.
Everything in her and around her ached and burned, and she'd rather be unaware than in this turmoil.
Her body was heavy, weighted down with exhaustion and fatigue. Contentment seemed like a thing of the past as her body seemed to fight against the gravity that wanted to meld her body with the very ground under it. It pressed and dug into her skin, pulling her down, down, down.
Rest escaped her, and those tiny little voices seemed to creep in unwanted.
Well, not voices per se, there was only just one.
My beloved will have no reason to stay with you now.
She knew it was wrong. She knew that Inuyasha had told her that he'd—he'd rather have her—he'd rather have Kagome.
Why else would he abandon you the moment I call for him?
Had she been able, she would've shaken her head, physically dispelling the thoughts from her mind.
The air chilled around her, and she clamored to curl up into herself, seeking any bit of warmth that would escape her body. It felt like every little bit of heat had been sucked out of her body, leaving her with nothing but ice in her veins.
She'd died.
That was the only answer.
Despite the joke, it felt like this was her own personalized version of hell. Something created for her to suffer. Sure fire and brimstone was frightening enough, but this? This was suffering at a whole different level. If there was a fire going, she would just roll her right on top of it and maybe that would warm her up some.
Cold and loneliness—it was a perfect form of suffering.
"Hey," a voice she would know anywhere and any time broke through the freezing gnashing of her teeth, cutting through the noise like the clear tone of a ship's bell. She tried to look for him, tried to find him in the cold, cold dark, but there was nothing but herself.
And so she drifted aimlessly into the formless dark.
The dark changed. Some of it felt tangible, like her fingers would trail through it like water passing by in a stream. Her body would sink into it, and sometimes she could imagine warm hands holding her close. She could remember what it was like to be cared for—to be warm and safe—to be outside this smothering darkness.
At points, it felt like remembering the kindness afforded to her once and ago, reminding her of what she would forever miss felt like a cruel punishment for deigning to think of herself as Kikyo's equal.
Maybe she'd been cursed again.
But that was the funny thing about curses.
Curses could always be broken.
"You're safe," he whispered to her. It was a command—one that would see the universe itself supplicate and subjugate itself prostrate before him.
Kagome sighed out slowly.
She was safe.
Inuyasha said so, and so, it must be.
A hand pressed against her cheek, and she didn't even try to muffle the whimper when it was pulled away from her. The warmth dissipated so quickly it felt like a fable—like a dream.
He didn't say anything further, but strong arms and hands pulled her up from the mercilessly cold dark, holding her against what felt like a furnace. It felt bright and bold, and she had no fear of burning herself.
She'd let him consume her entirely if that was what needed, if that was what he desired.
Her body tried to move—almost instinctively, curling up into a ball against the heat source.
Her face found the warmest point, even as she dragged in a breath and struggled to warm herself up even just a minuscule amount. The hold the dark held over her faded, weakened just enough that she could think and feel her body once more.
It felt like a resurrection.
"Why aren't you warm yet?" Inuyasha mumbled, and Kagome wanted to ask the same question. It wasn't even that cold outside yet, but she felt like she'd been sitting outside in a blizzard for hours.
Or maybe this was how the dead felt. Maybe this was how Kikyo felt all the time.
She'd neglected to ask her what it felt like, just so she'd know. But Kagome always thought that it would somehow feel familiar when her time finally came.
He pressed his nose into her hair, snuffling, and she could only sigh internally at the familiar feeling. It was that small bit of familiarity that brought her some comfort when everything felt so distant and lost to her. He felt lost to her, like a buoy that was always there, always within reach, but the stupid waves would never let her grab hold.
She made a hard reach, falling short, and sank back into the dark.
"You don't smell sick," Inuyasha mumbled, snuffling through her hair, and she still couldn't get her body to move enough to matter. She barely managed a few flicks of her fingers.
"How is she?" Sango asked; her voice drifting into the dark space around her. His warmth vanished against her face, and she let out a shudder.
"Still cold," Inuyasha said, running a hand over her cheek. "I don't get it. She should be warm by now. Or at least warmer."
"How are you feeling?" Sango asked.
"I'm fine, Sango," he snapped out.
"You look like you could use some rest," she stated pointedly, and Kagome wanted nothing more than to open her eyes and look at him. See how bad he really was. She clawed her way through the dark—towards him—towards the bright light that always seemed to guide her home.
He was always so bad at taking care of himself. He always took care of others before he'd even think of doing the same for himself. He'd run himself ragged just trying to make sure everyone else was okay. Someone needed to look after him too.
But Kagome couldn't seem to do anything about it, and she struggled, pushing herself to at least open her eyes. She just needed to see that he was okay, that someone was taking care of him too. He deserved to be taken care of after all his struggles.
Kagome was tired of being in the dark—she was tired of being held hostage—tired of being cursed. Kagome used every bit of that anger and rage in her being to open her eyes, because he deserved to be taken care of.
If he wouldn't take care of himself, then she would.
She managed to make a noise, though it was more of a grunt than anything actually communicative.
Hands shifted her body just a little, just enough.
"Kagome?"
"I think she's trying to wake up."
"No shit, Sango," Inuyasha snapped out, fingers brushing over her temple all the way down to her jaw. "Kagome, you can rest. It's safe. You're safe with me."
That had never been the question that she was asking.
"We're all safe. Just rest."
His hand covered her cheek, almost like he was forcing her head back onto his shoulder, even though it had never actually left, before leaving her entirely. The zipper sounded and she felt the cool air seeping in as his arm shifted her around just a little, and then there it was.
His fingers wrapping around hers as he moved just a bit, allowing her to tip into him a bit more. His arm blocked out the cooler air and his fingers let her feel warmth again.
"We're okay," he whispered to her. "Take it easy."
Kagome breathed out slowly. They were okay.
He pressed a kiss to her hair, and Kagome let herself sink slowly back into the welcoming dark.
Blinking her eyes open, she felt the world slowly settle back into place and focus.
She was finally warm—well, warm-ish, as in not freezing. She felt still felt cool, but it wasn't as terrible and aching as it was before.
Her fingers moved—twitched really—and her free hand, the one not currently trapped, reached up and grabbed the edge of the blanket.
She was firmly curled up in Inuyasha's lap, and it was his arm that was currently trapping her inside her sleeping bag.
Dragging in a deep breath, she exhaled, eyes shifting a bit to look at her surroundings. There was a rock wall, a small outcropping, but she could also see that Inuyasha wasn't wearing his haori. She had a sneaking suspicion that she knew where it was.
"Kagome? You awake?" Inuyasha spoke softly, shifting his head to look at her a bit better.
She grunted. She didn't really want to be awake; her body ached as if she'd just run until she collapsed—and then kept running.
But mostly, she just wanted to know what was happening.
Blinking, his hand shifted to let her head lean back gently as he looked her over.
"You still cold?" He asked, arm shifting around to press against her forearm just a bit.
"Yeah," she rasped out, and he frowned at that. "A little."
Their faces were very close, but Inuyasha didn't seem to mind that at all. Then again, he rarely considered her personal space in anything that he did.
A fair point was that neither did she. For someone who hated people being in his space, he allowed her to be inside of his on a regular basis.
"Oi, Sango," Inuyasha called, and Kagome twisted her head just enough to see Sango walking over to them. "She's awake," Inuyasha pointed out, "and she's saying she's still cold."
"You want me to see if Kirara wants to curl up in the sleeping bag?"
"Yeah, maybe that would help."
Kagome tried to push away to look at him squarely, but failed miserably. They were talking about her like she wasn't even there.
Where were they?
What were they doing?
What happened to Kikyo?
"I can hear you thinking. Don't worry; we're safe."
He nudged her head with his nose as he shifted so that her weight leaned against him even more.
"You just need to warm up a bit more."
"Where—?" Her voice cracked as she tried to ask her question, but it seemed Inuyasha understood the basics of it.
"Shippo found us a cave," he mumbled into her hair, "you've been asleep for a while."
Her voice cracked again, and he leaned away for just a moment and reached for something out of her line of sight. A bottle of water came into view, and she reached for it with weak fingers. Thankfully, Inuyasha held the bulk of the weight for her, allowing her to adjust it as needed. She drank greedily before Inuyasha took the bottle away.
She let out a little cough and then cleared her throat again.
"How long?" She asked as he tugged her back against him so that her head rested against his shoulder and neck, like he was tucking her back into the little empty spots.
He shrugged a bit. "A little over a day. Miroku says that you overdid it."
Well, she could've told him that. She knew that when it was happening. She'd pressed on trying to free Kikyo, even though she could feel that it was hurting her too.
He didn't seem angry though. He didn't seem upset at all.
What if was just worry over her? What if all this was just delayed and the explosion was coming?
Her fingers gripped his haori, tugging it tightly closed.
"What about Kikyo? The shard?" The question came out in a whisper, and she felt him still against her. He didn't even breathe, and Kagome clamped her eyes shut.
This was it. This was the time when he'd reveal that Kikyo was fine and that was the only reason that he was here and not with her.
Kagome's own breath hitched a little at the thought of him leaving her.
"Kikyo's fine, and you got the shard."
"You checked?"
Inuyasha exhaled long and slow, and her fingers trembled as she gripped his haori.
"She came to us," he explained, and Kagome nodded. "She—explained some things that have been happening and why."
Kagome was pretty sure her entire body was shaking at this point.
He wouldn't leave her. He wouldn't abandon her.
He'd promised.
He'd sworn that he'd keep her safe, and he wouldn't leave her. He wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't just leave.
He wouldn't leave, but she didn't want to hear those words leave his mouth.
But she wanted to know what Kikyo had said, even though a part of her told her that nothing good would come of it. Nothing good would ever come from knowing what had transpired between the two of them.
She didn't want to hear how he regretted not being with her or how he still loved her or how she still loved him.
Kagome loved him.
And she had loved him for a very long time.
If in the end, he wanted to go back to Kikyo, who was she to stop him?
When you love things, you're supposed to let them go, right?
Just open the door and tell them they're free. Otherwise it's not love, right? It's just obligation. It's that they don't know that there's something better.
Love was watching him flourish and grow and smile, and she didn't have any right to take that away from him.
"I'm sorry," he told her quietly as Kirara climbed into her lap and wormed her way into the sleeping bag.
Kagome couldn't look at him, and she could only clamp her eyes shut and hope that whatever he said had a small amount of tact and said whatever he needed to say quickly and as barbless as possible.
"I called you weak," was all he added to that and Kagome felt herself writhing internally.
He still thought she was weak? After everything that she'd been able to do and done since she regained her reiki?
"Kikyo explained some things, and I didn't realize—" His words drifted off, and Kagome tried very hard to convince her body that it didn't need to cry. It needed to hold itself together until she was alone—and then it could be as miserable as it wanted to be. She just had to be put together until then.
Inuyasha startled under her.
"What is it?" He asked, shifting her a little, making Kirara mew inside the sleeping bag.
"What?" Kagome asked, blinking very quickly to disperse the tears that were threatening to form.
"What's making you cry?" He asked, hand leaving hers as he moved her a little. The ache in her muscles made her groan.
"I'm not crying," she mumbled, feeling the support of his arm against her back.
"Yes, you are! So what is it? Where do you hurt?"
His arm shifted and hit a very tender spot on her back making her try to pull away from him.
"What?" He pulled his haori away from her back and sucked in a breath. "Sango, bring the bandage box!" He shouted.
"Inuyasha, stop," she whined.
"No!" He snarled at her, already trying to pull the haori away as she tried to keep it on, but Inuyasha was threatening to shred it instead. "Now sit still!"
She hadn't heard him so angry in a while, she froze as he pulled the haori away, exposing her to the bitter cold air.
Kagome shuddered in the onslaught of freezing cold air that made her tremble. Sango set the box down beside her and she pressed gently against Kagome's back.
"How did we miss this reopening?" She asked.
"She was already bleeding, I thought that was it when you bandaged it yesterday."
Sango pulled her shirt up and pressed cold fingers against her back.
Kagome flinched away, as she tried to avoid Sango's touch.
"You pulled a couple stitches earlier, but I don't know if it would do any good to try and restitch them." Sango let her shirt fall a little bit as she held herself to keep what little warmth she had with her.
"What're you thinking?" Inuyasha asked, moving in front of her and slowly dragging her into his lap so that they were facing each other, and it allowed her to put her hands between them and warm herself a little.
Inuyasha was always warm.
"I think I should just let it be and put a bigger bandage on it. The wound is already closing up, so it's not terrible. We've been through enough already."
Kagome shivered in the cold.
"Do it," Inuyasha ordered, "we'll be at Kaede's soon enough." Sango wiped a damp cloth against her back, and she might as well have been taking a piece of ice and just rubbing it against her skin.
Kagome whined and tried to pull away from the cold, but Inuyasha's body stopped her, not to mention his arms were around her preventing her from moving away from him in any sense.
"I know it's cold," Sango admitted, "but I have to clean it."
Kagome knew this. Except she was the one generally apologizing for the discomfort. Sango's words held little comfort in them.
"You can curl up with Inuyasha when this is all over."
Inuyasha snarled at her but didn't move his hands.
"I bet he'd like the attention. He's been a very sad puppy."
"I'm gonna beat your ass, Sango," he warned.
"Please, you'd have to let go of Kagome for that." Sango wiped her back gently with the cloth, catching the wound a little, and Kagome hissed as it tugged at the remaining scab.
"Would you be more careful?"
"I'm trying!" Sango snapped back. Sango gently pulled the skin together and then placed a few bandages before pulling her shirt back down with the haori. "We should probably change your shirt while you're up."
Kagome whined against Inuyasha's shoulder.
"I'll go get a fresh one." She stood up and left.
"Why's it so cold?" Kagome whined into him.
"You pushed yourself too hard, dummy," he murmured into her hair.
She groaned as she waited for Sango to return, because it was freezing and her body shook.
"Here," Sango said, and Inuyasha reached over to take it from her.
"What do you think you're doing?" Sango asked, sounding halfway hysterical.
"She's gonna need help changing!"
"You're not serious! You can't help!"
"Who else is gonna help? She can't sit up on her own!"
Sango sputtered, and Kagome turned her head towards her, seeing her out of the peripheral.
Shifting just a bit, Kagome moved her hands, undoing the buttons on her shirt.
"And what the fuck are you doing?" Inuyasha asked, shifting a little.
"Helping," she muttered.
"Well, stop it!"
"It's cold," she whined.
"Fine!" Inuyasha snarled, and then made quick work of the remaining buttons before pulling her close and tugging the shirt off her back and arms and tossing it at Sango.
Kagome whimpered at the rush of cold air, and then Inuyasha was pulling her arms through sleeves as he tugged the shirt over her shoulders before pushing her back—ever so gently, tugging the shirt between them.
He knocked her hand away as she tried to help, and buttoned them up himself before tugging his haori over her shoulders again.
"There!"
He wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her back against him where she curled up against his chest.
A shiver raked up her form as she pressed herself closer, trying to absorb some amount of warmth. She should've been a sputtering mess about him dressing her, but she honestly didn't care. She was warmer at least.
"What're you looking at?" He snapped.
"An idiot," Sango muttered, and Kagome saw her flick Inuyasha's forehead.
"Ow! I'm gonna—"
"Do nothing, because it would involve putting Kagome down, and we both know you're not doing that."
Inuyasha sputtered, but made no move to release her or set her to the side.
Sango walked away, taking Kagome's dirty shirt with her.
She should help. Get up. Do something productive.
But she was so cold and tired.
"Hey," Inuyasha whispered, and she moved her head just enough to let him know that she was listening. "You should sleep." His nose bumped into her temple, pressing against her gently.
"I should get up," she mumbled, already knowing that she was going to do nothing of the sort.
Inuyasha let out a snort of disagreement, and he tugged her a little closer, and she didn't fight him on it.
"Rest, Kagome," he whispered the order to her, and Kagome sighed out any argument to the contrary.
A/N: Happy Thursday! I have some great news! I got a new job, and I'm very excited about it. It's honestly the answer to a prayer. I also got told that I could go for a leisurely paced 1 mile walk if I was feeling up to it, which feels almost like an insult for someone who used to run half-marathons. 😂
Now it's figuring out the logistics of emptying out my room and then abandoning my work throuple when I leave. They're the only people keeping me sane at the moment. Bitchy coworker is now doubling down and being nice and really productive and showing off how much work she's doing, which is now just annoying. I don't know what she's aiming for, but it's definitely something.
The good news is that I will not have to see her again!
I hope you all have a happy Easter and a hopefully, long weekend. I hope you enjoyed the chapter!
