Chapter 113
Ab actu ad posse valet illatio
"From what has happened we may infer what may happen"
"Every little girl knows
how dreadful it is to find a room empty
where she thought somebody was."
—The Princess and the Goblin
Inuyasha walked off back to the fire, and Kagome felt like nothing more than a giant ball of panic.
She hadn't thought about it, but the way that she'd been acting—it was like she thought they were a proper couple. They were friends—best friends.
And she was taking advantage of it. Inuyasha was so kind and just letting her use him.
She was really projecting what she wanted out of their relationship onto Inuyasha, and Miroku was right.
She was wanting a more-than-friends relationship out of it, and while Miroku had meant it as a joke, it had made her realize that what she was doing was really wrong.
Inuyasha probably had no idea what the joke was about, and it was probably for the best, because Kagome didn't want to know what his reaction would be.
What kind of friend was she?
She didn't want to see that sad reproachful look that said that he thought of them as only friends and nothing more, and how sad it was that Kagome had gotten so entrenched in her own dreams that she'd ignored all the clues to reality.
Inuyasha walked back over with another noodle cup and sat down beside her as she pushed herself up on aching arms.
One arm came around her back, helping her sit up, giving a light pressure, and she could feel the broad spanse of his fingers against her body through the layers of fabric.
"You okay?" He asked, and she nodded as he handed her the cup of noodles.
"We're sharing, right?" She asked, looking at the mass of noodles with a little bit of nausea. There was no way that she could eat all that.
Not with the way things felt between them. She wanted it all to be true. She wanted him to want her more than just friends. There was so much that she wanted and almost all of it involved him.
Her hand took the chopsticks and picked up a small bite of noodles, and she fought to keep her hands steady as she quickly took the small bite. It didn't taste good, and it went down like the noodles were made of marble.
Small enough that they wouldn't choke her, but somehow she sort of wished that they would and just end her misery.
"You okay?" He asked, and she took another bite of food to assuage any doubts that he might have.
She stared at the noodles as she tried to come up with a plausible answer, but she was coming up with nothing.
"Yeah," she answered after a moment. She managed to eat a few more bites before the nausea rose up again, and all the food seemed like it was made from raw sewage.
Kagome swallowed her bite before she stared at it, and when her stomach rolled, she opted to hand over the cup.
Inuyasha took it, and Kagome breathed a sigh of relief.
"You didn't eat much," he commented, and she shrugged as he swirled the chopsticks around for a beat.
"I'm not that hungry," she said simply and avoiding eye contact with him. If she looked at him, then he'd know that she was lying.
She swore it was like he could sniff it out some days, because he was always telling her that she was lying, and honestly, it was getting annoying. A girl deserved to have some secrets.
Inuyasha took a small bite, and she glanced up at him as she pulled the blankets around her a bit more, trying to cocoon herself in the safety that her blankets offered.
Inuyasha finished off the cup quickly, and he looked up at her as she looked up at him. He didn't look particularly upset, but there was something about him that looked different. It felt different, but she couldn't exactly name why.
Looking over at Sango and Miroku, she could see them both engaged in a terse conversation about something. Inuyasha's ears kept flicking towards them as he finished off the ramen.
Shippo sat beside the two of them watching the fight with Kirara.
"You wanna go back out?" Inuyasha asked, and he turned to look at him as he sat the noodles to the side. "The fire would probably be warmer than over here. Shippo can go get more wood."
Shippo perked up and darted off before anyone could say or do anything.
Kagome stared at him as he shifted to lean forward a bit more.
He wasn't forcing her, and she did want to sit among the group, and the fire would be warmer. She was already feeling the shudders from the cold starting from the way that she was sitting, even though she was wrapped in her blankets.
"You want me to bring you an extra blanket?" Inuyasha asked. "We can steal Sango's."
"I think I'm okay," she said, already pulling the current blanket and haori tighter around her chest.
Inuyasha leaned over and grabbed Sango's blanket anyway, before scooping Kagome up and moving her back towards the fire.
Shippo returned with an armful of branches and dumped them beside Miroku before darting off again, and Miroku started breaking them into the usable pieces and tossed them onto the fire.
Inuyasha sat her down in front of the fire and settled in beside her, she felt his leg angled up behind her so that she could lean back against his knee.
Sango moved beside her, handing her a bottle of water.
"You should drink some water."
She took the bottle, drinking slowly, and she really hadn't realized how thirsty she was.
"Hey," Inuyasha said, tugging the bottle away after a moment.
"Hay is for horses," Kagome told him, reaching back out for the bottle.
"You're going to make yourself sick," he told her. "Just give it a moment and I'll give it back."
She swallowed as Inuyasha fixed the blanket around her shoulders. His arm rested on his knee, and she could feel his fingers running through her hair, playing with strands as they sat in front of the fire. She could feel the tips of his claws as they brushed her scalp and neck. One particular long slide of claw against her neck made her shiver, and Inuyasha was suddenly there—wholly and completely present.
"Are you cold?" He asked, already tucking the blankets and himself closer and tighter around her before she could even respond.
Shippo reappeared with another load of branches, and he dumped them down next to Miroku.
"Oi, runt," Inuyasha said, grabbing the back of Shippo's vest and hauling him up. "New job for you: help keep Kagome warm," he said, dropping Shippo—gently—in her lap.
"Got it!" He said, curling up in her lap as Inuyasha handed her the water bottle and then reached over, snapping some of the larger branches and putting them onto the fire.
Kagome finished the bottle of water slowly as Inuyasha's fingers continued to play with her hair.
"Are you feeling up to travel tomorrow?" Miroku asked, and Inuyasha's fingers stopped moving in her hair, and Kagome looked over at him.
His face stared at the fire in almost anger. His eyes burning in the light of the fire and fading sunlight, casting flickering shadows over his features. He was a rare creature indeed, one that was as beautiful in the sunlight as he was in the dark.
She didn't fear him in either light.
"I think so," she said, eyes drifting away from Inuyasha and looking back at Miroku, who gave her a soft smile.
"Good, I think we would all feel better once we are back in the village," Miroku said.
Inuyasha's hand returned to her hair after moment, and Kagome sighed through her nose at it. He was obviously taking some comfort from it, and she would let him. Shippo made sure to lounge and move around on her lap, attempting to keep her warm, but it wasn't helping much on top of the blankets.
"Shippo," she whispered, and he perked up instantly, large doe eyes staring up at her. She opened the blankets, and he dove in, snuggling against her middle and making her laugh as she tucked the blankets closed again.
She looked up at Inuyasha, who was watching her intently and frowned, hand wrapping around her shoulder instead of in her hair.
"Should've said you were still cold," Inuyasha mumbled, moving closer to her.
"It's okay," she said as Inuyasha lightly rubbed her shoulder through her clothes.
Night was washing over them now, the fire the only source of brightness in their little area.
Except for him. He always made her feel warm and safe. Inuyasha always felt bright to her. Even if there were no fire, as long as he was near, she would feel safe.
They were friends—best friends—and she would be happy to have just that.
Even if no one else would ever hope to compare to him in any fashion.
She closed her eyes.
She could be happy like this.
She could and she would.
"I'm sorry."
Those words were the only sounds that she could hear, and her body froze at Kikyo's voice.
Kagome turned towards them in the dark, expecting the angry face of her previous incarnation staring back at her. But instead, it remained dark.
The only feeling she had was like someone brushing past her as they walked by, not quite touching but the soft shift in the air as they moved.
"Kikyo?"
"I am sorry for what I did."
Kagome searched the dark for any sign of Kikyo. She didn't know what this was or why Kikyo was here.
"I'm sorry," Kikyo whispered, and then, that was it.
It just stopped, and Kagome felt that last tenuous thread between them vibrate wildly. She could feel the tension and the struggle, and she tried to reach out for it, because it felt wrong. It felt like last bit of her was disappearing, and Kagome flailed in the darkness, trying to find her.
"Kikyo!" Kagome shouted. Something was wrong.
And then—that was it.
She thought there were be something—like the recoil of a fishing line suddenly snapping and slapping back into the water.
But instead this felt like an old thread that had frayed with time and use and just slowly slipped off and away, sliding back into the dark waters of time and existence.
Kagome thought it would feel weird, to not know where Kikyo was, to not know if she was near, but it didn't. It felt like she'd just pulled a loose thread off her clothes and let it fall to the ground.
What did feel strange to an extent was a feeling of completeness; something that she hadn't realized she'd been missing in a very long time.
For once, there was no drag, no subtle desire to be part of something else. There was pull or tug at her now, nothing that wanted to pull her one way or another. She'd never noticed before except for when she became aware of how near Kikyo was, but there had been something, not a voice or a thought, but just a small instinct that made her feel like a missing piece of her rested just beyond her grasp and she should go to it. Find it. Reclaim it.
Kagome felt—whole.
And she couldn't remember the last time that had happened.
"I'm sorry too," Kagome whispered to the dark.
But no one else remained to answer.
The sounds of birds woke her, but it was far too early to even consider being awake. She groaned as consciousness berated her.
There was still a chill in the air, but she was curled up against something warm and familiar, and if anything, she wanted to stay asleep just a bit more.
A weight draped over her side, and the comfort of it made her want to slip back into sleep and pretend that she hadn't woken up and that she wasn't going to have to deal with anything for a good long while.
Exhaustion still clawed at her, and the more she sought out sleep, the more that it eluded her to no end.
There was a sharp inhale from in front of her, and the weight across her side shifted just a bit as fingers ran softly down her back.
The warmth moved away just a bit, and she whined, chasing it as it tried to leave her.
"Morning to you too," Inuyasha rumbled, pressing a kiss to her hair as he tucked her in tighter against him. Burrowing her way into his chest, she kept her fingers between them, allowing them to remain warm in her very little cozy moment of comfort.
She just wanted to sleep for a few more minutes, and pretend the world wasn't out to get her, that Inuyasha cared for her more than he did—well, she wanted him to love her the way that she loved him—and that everything was fine.
She wanted to pretend that this was real for just a moment longer. That it meant what she wanted so desperately for it to mean.
"Is Kagome awake?" Shippo whispered right beside her head.
"She's getting there," Inuyasha mumbled, the soft traces of fingers more firmly pressing against her back now in a clear attempt to rouse her. "Hey, come on, breakfast is almost ready."
"Not hungry," she grumbled into his chest.
"Yeah, well, you need to eat," he said, pressing another kiss to her hair. "Come on," he pulled himself away slightly, just enough that the cold and bitter air could slip in between them and make her whine.
Inuyasha was in a mood to be cruel this morning, because he ignored her mournful whines and cries and opted to hoist her off the floor and out into the bright sunlight of the morning.
Her body ached as it shifted and moved as he sat her down in his lap again.
"Here," Sango said, grabbing a brush and slapping it into his hand. "Be useful."
Inuyasha growled at her, and Kagome turned slightly to look back at him.
"I can do it," she said reaching for the brush in his hand, and he jerked it away from her.
"Keh," he scoffed, "just sit there."
Kagome braced for the sharp pull of her hair, but he started from the bottom carefully working the brush through it slowly and methodically. He carefully and gently worked through the snags and tangles, barely tugging her hair at all.
She could feel him run his claws through it as she sat there.
It was a far more soothing experience than she expected.
Inuyasha took such care to make sure that he didn't pull her hair at all.
Tossing her brush into her lap, he ran his fingers through her hair a few times as if checking his work.
"There," he said, grabbing her brush after a moment. "Oi, runt!" Inuyasha shouted and tossed the brush at him. Shippo caught it, teetering back a bit and falling on his rump.
"Got it!" He said, holding the brush up like a trophy. Sango took the brush from Shippo with a glare at Inuyasha, making an odd gesture at him with it.
"Fuck off, Sango!" He shouted, arms tightening around Kagome's waist.
"Perhaps, Inuyasha," Miroku started.
"How about you shut your mouth!" He snarled.
"Inuyasha," Kagome chided, turning slightly to face him. Inuyasha turned his face her with a slight pout on his face.
"What?"
"Why are you being so mean to everyone?"
"I'm not being mean!"
She raised her eyebrow at that.
"I'm not being mean," he stated, emphasizing each word.
"You're being kinda mean," she said with a slight shrug. "And you're yelling an awful lot."
"Maybe I like yelling?" He said, arms tightening around her and then settled his chin on her shoulder like that was the end of the conversation.
"What's your deal?" Kagome asked, trying to lean away and look at him, but he just buried his face into her neck and avoided looking at her.
She sighed, resting her hands around him.
Though she kinda had to pee now, and she grimaced at the idea that she would have to as Sango for help after she was already doing so much.
And Kagome had barely been doing more than just sitting around lately.
Letting out another sigh, she pushed at Inuyasha's arms, who growled into her neck and redoubled his efforts to keep them around her waist.
"What're you doing?" He asked her and she huffed in aggravation.
"I need to go to the bathroom!"
"Why didn't you say anything?" He huffed and then hauled the both of them up to a standing position and started off towards the trees.
"You can't take me to pee!" Kagome shouted, trying to push his arms away from her just a bit in hopes that would stop him. "Sango!"
"She doesn't have to come. It ain't like I haven't seen someone piss before." She kicked her feet out. "Would you stop before you hurt yourself?!"
"No!" She argued. "You are not taking me to go pee!"
"Kagome, it's not that big of a deal!"
"It is to me!" She argued.
"Inuyasha," Sango said from beside them and Kagome let out a sigh of relief. Finally, another voice of reason.
She looked up at Sango as she came up beside them.
"I'll take Kagome to go to the bathroom," she said, and Kagome reached out to brace herself on Sango's shoulder, but Inuyasha quickly jerked her away.
"Why are you being so weird about this?"
"I'm not being weird! What makes Sango so special?"
"Why are you being weird?!" Kagome shouted back.
"I'm not the one freaking out over someone seeing her piss!"
Kagome groaned, leaning her head back against Inuyasha's shoulder.
"Inuyasha, you're not helping," Sango said. "She doesn't want you there, so just deal with it."
Inuyasha huffed and then marched off into the trees with her with Sango following.
Kagome's feet dangled above the ground as he carried her, and when he found a spot that he deemed suitable, he gently set her down, keeping his hands on her waist as he steadied her.
"Thank you," she said, looking over her shoulder at him.
His eyes flicked up to hers before he turned to glare at Sango.
"Happy?" He grumbled, and then stood there, waiting.
"Are you going to just stand there or do you want me to throw you a stick to go chase?"
He growled, flashing his teeth before he looked back at Kagome.
"You good?" He asked.
"I'll be done in a minute," she told him, and he nodded, taking a deep breath before leaping off into the trees.
Kagome let out her own breath.
"Everything okay?" Sango asked.
"He's being weird," Kagome pointed out, staring at the direction that he'd leapt off.
"Yeah, well, what's new?" Sango said, helping Kagome kneel and squat to pee. "How's your ankle feeling?"
"Better? It's still tender, but I think I might be able to hobble my way through camp."
The relief of an empty bladder was a real thing, and Kagome didn't realize how badly she'd had to pee this entire time.
Sango helped her stand and redress.
"Did something happen?" Kagome asked, and Sango just stared at her. "With Kikyo?"
Sango snorted.
"You'll have to ask the idiot to fill you in," she said. "Inuyasha!"
"Can't you just tell me?" Kagome hissed as Inuyasha landed beside her.
"Tell you what?" He asked, shoving a plucked bird at Sango and scooping Kagome up off the ground. "There's breakfast."
Kagome glanced over at Sango who was already walking back towards camp with the dead bird in her hand.
"What did you want to know?" Inuyasha asked as he walked back towards camp.
"I—uh—it's nothing," she said staring at his cream colored shirt. He paused, and Kagome felt her internal panic setting in. She didn't want to be cornered right now—and not by him.
Everything felt too raw and too fresh, and she didn't want to hear it from him.
She didn't even know what he was going to say, but she couldn't handle hearing that she wasn't as important to him as he was to her.
"Please," she asked him, trying to convey how much she didn't want to talk about it right now.
He stared at her, eyes shifting incrementally across her face as if searching her for something, anything that would reveal her secrets.
But then they were back at camp with Inuyasha settling her down by the fire and Sango.
"I'll—I'll pack up," he said, glancing at Kagome. "You fix it," he told Sango with a clear finger jab in her direction before standing and turning around and leaving.
"See?" Kagome whispered. "He's being weird."
"What am I fixing?" Sango shouted back at him, but the only response that he gave was a curt glare. "Idiot," Sango muttered, and Inuyasha sputtered as he wrapped up Kagome's sleeping bag.
The air was definitely crisp this morning, and Kagome rubbed her arms a bit as she shifted towards the fire.
"Are you cold?" Sango asked, and almost immediately a spare blanket was draped around Kagome's shoulders, and two clawed hands wrapped it around her from behind before disappearing.
Kagome watched Inuyasha walk back to the cave, and continue packing their things. He'd been so clingy, which she didn't mind, but it wasn't like him.
And now, it felt like he was trying to stay away from her.
Was he mad at her? Did she do something wrong?
But for the life of her, Kagome couldn't figure out what she'd done.
Looking back at the cave, she watched Inuyasha and Miroku pack away all their things.
Shifting her gaze back to Sango who was cooking, she tried deftly to change the subject.
"How are you feeling?" Kagome asked her. "How is Miroku?"
"I'm fine, Kagome. I think we're all ready to be back in the village, so we can rest."
Kagome winced at that. A lot of their struggles, in fact, all their struggles had been because of her. She hadn't been strong enough to fix whatever was wrong with Kikyo the first time, and that was what had caused the myriad of issues that everyone had been forced to endure. They didn't even have anything to really show for all their troubles.
Well, except for the one shard that they'd gotten from Kikyo, but that was it. Everything else had just taken them way off course and cost them time.
She'd probably already be back at home and in school.
Internalizing her groan, she didn't even want to think about how much work she probably had or how many test days that she'd missed. She was going to be so far behind that she didn't even know how she was going to be able to catch up.
It would probably be best for her to start trying to work on her assignments and homework, even though it might be too late at this point.
"You okay?" Sango asked her, resting a hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah, of course," she said, and flashed a smile that must not have been passable enough because Sango didn't return the gesture. Instead, Sango sank down right beside her, reaching over to grab her hand.
Kagome looked up at her friend, who was looking at her in concern.
If they didn't want to tell her about what really happened with Kikyo maybe it was better that she didn't know. Maybe she really didn't want to know after all.
Maybe this was a kindness.
Kagome pulled her hand away and gripped the blanket wrapped around her.
But if no one wanted to tell her about it, then that could mean only one thing: Inuyasha had made his choice, and it wasn't her.
A/N: Happy Thursday!
I hope that everything has been going well for all of you! I've been packing up my classroom and I've gotten most of the heavier and bulkier stuff out of there (especially the stuff that I'm not going to use, and consolidated some of my cabinet together.
But I also haven't given my resignation yet, because they're pushing me to write it and you know what? They didn't give me the courtesy to tell me that I was losing my stipend until the day before class starts, so I'll wait until they force me.
It's the only way that I can stick it to the man.
