Chapter 114
Quousque tandem?
"For how much longer?"


"It is far better to endure patiently a smart
which nobody feels but yourself,
than to commit a hasty action whose evil
consequences will extend to all connected with you."
Jane Eyre


A thought had popped into his head and it wouldn't leave.

He was going to have to talk to her about—everything.

He was not good at words.

And this would require some explanation. Probably more than he actually knew about it. He knew the basics, but Kagome would want specifics.

What was he supposed to say anyway?

We're tied together forever, and there's nothing that you can do about it.

He couldn't just blabber this off the top of his head. He'd definitely fuck this all up to hell and back.

He wasn't one for speaking—but the suddenness of it had sent him almost reeling. Fucking this up wasn't an option, even though it was his favorite option when dealing with delicate matters.

Fuck things up until they were fucked up enough to be right again.

When he walked back into camp, he knew that something was wrong—well, not wrong but off.

He didn't know how to fix it, but he knew that whatever it was, he probably wasn't the best one to talk about it.

Despite the deep need to solve her every quandary, Inuyasha knew that he couldn't do this for her. So he gave her to Sango with clear instructions to fix whatever the issue was.

He couldn't help dragging a blanket over to help the keep her warm. He wasn't about to let her get sick after everything that had happened. The moment Sango asked the question, he was in motion before he even realized it. Wrapping the blanket around her shoulders and making sure that it was tight around her was a subconscious thought and subsequent action.

It didn't matter what he was doing, it felt like there was a part of him that was constantly tuned to her and her condition. But now that he thought about it, it had been that way for a while.

He didn't mind, but it was becoming increasingly more obvious that his world revolved more and more around Kagome. He wasn't upset about that; it was the opposite, actually. He liked caring about her and taking care of her. It made him feel useful.

But it meant that he was going to have to be careful—daintygentle about how he told her that they were connected.

That he'd never have anyone else if she didn't want him. That he'd never want anyone else. He'd never really wanted anyone else either.

He just wanted her. That was it. Just her.

As he folded up her sleeping bag, he started rolling it, taking the moment to look over at her. She was clutching the blanket tight and staring at the fire. Sango was looking at her with a familiar look on her face.

It was one that she wore when there was something wrong, but she didn't know how to address it or fix it.

He also felt like he'd just make it worse if he tried to solve it himself. That was the pattern in his life: have something worthwhile and then lose it.

Which was why he had to take a deep breath and think about what he was going to say and how he was going to tell her—well, everything.

He looked over at her as she sat near the fire.

She was sitting next to Sango, safe in their camp, and somehow he knew that how this all turned out was on him. Except this fight wasn't one that he could punch and wallop. There really wasn't an enemy at all.

But somehow it felt like a fight nonetheless. At least something that he'd have to overcome.

He looked over at Kagome.

She was the prize, and she was worth every step and every fight along the way.

He smiled at himself. She was his.

"You look particularly happy this morning," Miroku lowly. Inuyasha looked over at him and glowered. Somehow anything and everything that came out of the monk's mouth always set him off.

"Keh, you can keep your mouth shut."

"But, I have advice."

Inuyasha snapped a glare at him.

"No."

"You haven't even heard it yet!"

"And I already know it's going to be shit, so shut it," Inuyasha hissed.

Inuyasha continued packing their things into Kagome's bag, trying to ignore the monk, who clearly wanted him to talk or offer his shitty advice.

Which Inuyasha was not going to do. He got enough unsolicited advice as it was, and some of that advice had perpetuated his problems instead of resolving them.

However, his original problem persisted. Kagome wasn't talking to Sango, and Sango wasn't talking to Kagome, and that meant that the problem remained unsolved.

Once he was done and closed her pack, Inuyasha went back to the fire and sat down right beside Kagome, except she looked at him like he'd gone off and stitched a third arm to his shoulder and told everyone to call him 'Tri-shomaru.'

"You still cold?" He asked, and she shook her head, even though she clutched at the blanket tightly and sat as close to the fire as she could manage without getting burned. "Idiot," he mumbled, wrapping an arm around her and rubbing her lightly, just enough to offer some friction that might warm her a little.

Kagome didn't lean against him like he was expecting—like she'd done all the times before—and he frowned, looking over at Sango who was staring at Kagome with an odd look on her face—one that was more question than suspicion.

For once, Inuyasha had the same sentiment towards the matter.

Something was off with Kagome, and he was going to sniff it out.


They packed up and left the campsite immediately after breakfast was done. Inuyasha scooped Kagome up before she could complain after wrapping her as tightly as he could in the blanket she was wearing—and borrowing, but Sango wisely said nothing about it.

Not like he was going to give it back while Kagome needed it. He'd just tell Sango to suck it up and use the monk and the firecat to keep her warm instead. It'd keep Miroku quiet for once.

And then everyone would happy.

Kagome didn't say anything to him or try to talk, and there was a weird division between them, even though he was carrying her as close to him as possible.

It was like an invisible block that she'd put up, and he didn't quite understand why.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he landed on the other side of a river, pausing for just a moment, and then leaping off into the trees again.

"Yeah," she answered just loud enough to be heard.

Gritting his teeth, he decided that having a conversation about this was while he was running was not ideal. They'd avoid interruptions, but if Kagome decided to sit him, then they were both fucked. He didn't know if he could twist himself fast enough to save her from becoming a smear across the forest floor.

It wasn't like he could just toss her to safety in time either.

Besides, this was going to need all of his brain power to not fuck up, and he couldn't do that while focusing on avoiding tree branches and roots.

And this was one thing that he couldn't fuck up.

His glee and giddiness over being bound to her, over her living as long as he did, of the time that they would have, suddenly seemed daunting.

He hadn't really considered that Kagome may not want to be forever connected to him.

He knew that there would be nothing and no one else for him. But Kagome?

Kagome could have her pick of whomever she wanted.

He was lucky to have her in the capacity that he did. He was lucky to have her as a friend.

And if he wanted more, then he was going to have to up the ante on making her see that he was the best choice.

That he was the one worth choosing and having.

He'd make sure that he was the only contender in this fucking fight.

Thinking about it, he felt sure that Kouga was off the list after his last fuck up, but if there was one thing about Kagome it was that she was stupidly forgiving and would probably forgive Kouga if the wolf ever came around again. It was probably too much to hope for that he'd just give up and slink off and live a cave for the rest of his stupidly dumb life.

But that was probably being hopeful.

Too hopeful if he knew how things usually went.

They stopped for lunch, and Inuyasha fought himself on what he wanted to do and what he needed to do.

He needed to go find something to eat, something that would make her full and strong, but he also wanted to stay and tell someone else to go hunt.

Shippo was a fox—it was about time that he figured out how to kill and clean a rabbit.

Inuyasha scoffed internally. Yeah, like the kit wouldn't bawl and cry about it. More than likely to Kagome, which would be the opposite of what he wanted. He could go find them all a rabbit to share.

And he could do it quickly.

He'd do what he needed to do and then he could have what he wanted.

Yes. This was a good plan.

They landed in a very small clearing, and Inuyasha sat Kagome on the ground, ensuring that she was comfortable, before he stood up.

"I'll go hunt," he said, "You start the fire."

He stared at her and then at the two humans, because this was important. Kirara moved behind Kagome, laying down behind her, but close enough that Kagome could lean back to rest and stretch out her legs.

Good to know the cat had some brains left.

"I'm going to find some wood for the fire!" Shippo said and darted off into the trees around the camp.

Sango and Miroku exchanged a glance.

"I think that I'll stay here," Sango said, settling in beside Kagome. Inuyasha exhaled slowly, and he turned to head off into the trees. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw the top of Kagome's head over Kirara's spine.

Kirara would keep her safe until he got back.

And Sango.

He knew that she would probably be safe, but that didn't stop that twinge in his gut that made him want to backtrack and stay with her because she'd been lost to him so many times, and he didn't want to risk that this would be the one singular time that he wouldn't be able to retrieve her. To bring her back, to keep her safe. He didn't want to be in a world without Kagome.

She'd spoiled him, and now he was a domesticated stray that didn't know how to exist without its owner.

Two rabbits chased each other through the grass, and Inuyasha dropped down, snatching a throat in each and effortlessly snapping it with his fingers.

Sighing, he started cleaning a couple of sticks before preparing the rabbits.


He walked back into camp where a small fire was steadily growing.

No one was talking, and Inuyasha felt pretty sure that was a bad sign. Someone was always talking, and there very rarely was complete and utter silence. But Miroku was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Shippo.

He moved into the space, clearly not interrupting anything, and saw Kagome working in one of her books from school.

That was okay. Good even. She was doing a normal Kagome thing.

Even if he didn't understand it.

He staked the rabbits close enough to the fire, but not close enough to burn. He flicked his gaze over to hers, but she didn't look up at him or show any interest. His ears flattened back against his head and he turned to look at her.

She wasn't even giving him the time of day!

What was even in those books anyway? He was way more interesting than those books!

He'd just have to prove that he was worth more of her attention than they were.

Settling in beside her, he looked over her shoulder to see what she was reading so intently.

He squinted trying to make out the complicated symbols, and it was a bunch of bullshit is what it was.

Total and complete bullshit.

He propped his chin in his palm as he stared at the fire, watching the fire as the clear sound of someone traipsing through the woods, and he saw Miroku carrying an armload of wood with him. Shippo came out dragging a branch. Miroku dropped to the firewood within arm's reach of where they were sitting.

Shippo dropped the branch that he'd been dragging, climbing up onto it and attempting to break snap off the smaller branches.

That was fine, and it stopped being fine when he became frustrated when the larger branch wouldn't break that the foxfire came out.

"Oi, runt!" Inuyasha said, walking over and grabbing him by the back of his shirt. "You can't just burn shit when you're pissy."

"Yeah, well you punch stuff all the time when you're angry."

"Well, you're starting to piss me off," he growled out, flicked Shippo to the ground, grabbed the branch and snapped it into pieces under his foot before tossing them into the stack.

"How are you feeling, Kagome?" Shippo asked as Inuyasha returned to his seat beside her.

"Hmm?" Kagome asked, looking up from her book. "Oh, I'm doing much better." She ruffled Shippo's hair a bit.

"Are you still cold?" He asked, tail flicking behind him.

"It's okay. I've got Sango's blanket and Kirara keeping me warm enough."

Inuyasha tried to not visibly flinch at that.

Because that was a gut punch. Just have Sesshomaru run him through again at this point.

Wow.

He wasn't even mentioned and his entire existence just felt personally destroyed by a sentence that had literally zero to do with him, and that was part of the problem.

He could keep her warm! He'd done a good job of keeping her warm for the past few days! He made sure she always had blankets and clothes, and she was wearing his haori!

If she asked him, he give her himself in whatever way she wanted it.

He had so little to offer her, but whatever she wanted that was his, she could have without question.

He'd never be able to offer her the life that she was used to, and the only thing of any merit or worth was his sword, and it only worked because of her.

Inuyasha owed her every success he'd ever had in life, and there was nothing he could really offer her in return.

Inuyasha stared at her, trying to fathom how he could make himself seem in anyway close to worthy of her, and every thing failed to measure up.

The dull scratch of Kagome's pen across her papers were drowned out by the thunderous roar of his ineptitude.

"I believe the rabbits are done," Miroku said, leaning towards one and using the small knife from Kagome's pack to cut into the still warm meat.

He handed off the pieces to each of them as he cut and tore them loose.

What was Inuyasha supposed to do?

Kagome took a piece from Miroku and ate it slowly. Inuyasha had his own piece and took a couple large bites out of it as he watched her eat far too slowly.

She was so quiet, and it was bothersome.

He didn't like noise, but he liked her noise.

He liked everything when she was involved. Even the stupid shit.

Sango was giving him a look, because he clearly knew what that shit meant. Like yeah, he was going to fucking talk to Kagome about the whole blood thing and whatever, but he couldn't even think about that while she was upset!

And possibly with him! What was he supposed to do to fix it if she wouldn't even really talk to him?

Antagonizing her never worked well in the past.

That usually just made her mad—well, madder.

And that was the opposite direction that he wanted to go.

He would like for her to be less mad, especially when it came to him.

Kagome tossed the bone in the fire and licked her fingers.

"Do you want some more?" He asked, and she shook her head just once.

"I'm okay," she answered, picking up her book again.

Inuyasha's ears flattened back against his head as he nibbled at the haunch in his hands.

The taste of it had suddenly soured as he watched her stare at the page and write little notes in the margins.

Inuyasha wanted to do nothing more than replace Kirara as her personal form of backrest and warmer, but he struggled to find any reason to disrupt her, which would probably only upset her more.

His fingers were practically twitching just to hold her.

Kagome dragged in a breath as Sango tossed her bones into the fire as well.

"Sango, can we go visit the forest?"

"Sure," Sango said, rising to her feet and dusting off her hands.

"I can take her," Inuyasha said, but Kagome's hand on his knee stilled him.

"I'd prefer to walk just a little bit," she said, and let Sango pull her to her feet.

"But you—your ankle!"

"It's been better, and you can't carry me around forever."

Sango looped an arm around Kagome's back as Kagome held onto her shoulder with her good arm.

Inuyasha could only stare from where he'd started to rise as they disappeared into the trees.

There was a drumming in his chest, and it felt like it was trying to crack him in half.

"Wow, I didn't think your ears could get any lower," Miroku commented, and Inuyasha glared at him for a moment before staring back at the trees where Kagome had disappeared.

"Inuyasha," Shippo said, "you're whining."

"Am not," he argued, half-heartedly, tossing the rest of the leg into the fire, there wasn't much left to gnaw on anyway. He walked over to where they'd walked into the trees and stood, listening and waiting for them to come back. They never took long.

They were fine.

He was fine.

This was a normal thing.

He didn't have to see her every single moment of the day—he wanted to, but he didn't have to see her the entire time.

It wasn't like he needed her to breathe or anything.

"Inuyasha, they're fine," Miroku said. "Here, Kirara, there's a bit left, if you want it."

Inuyasha turned just a bit to glare at the monk and say something that would probably be considered "rude" or "uncouth" by some.

But he watched Kirara in her smaller form tear into the last bit of rabbit from the stick where Miroku was holding it for her.

"If you'd just talk to her," Miroku started as a gust of wind blew through their camp, and Inuyasha watched the monk's staff shift and start to fall from where it rested on Kagome's backpack behind him, "I'm sure that the two of you could work this out," the staff shifted the last bit and fell, landing right on the firecat's head with a loud jingle. "Oh, Kirara!"

Miroku pushed the staff off, letting it fall to the ground beside him.

He gently rubbed her head and back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't even see it falling."

Kirara looked up at him with a blank look before turning back to her meal.

Miroku let out a long sigh—probably of relief—and that was when Kirara decided that monk's flesh was definitely more appetizing. He yelped, dropping the stick of meat as Kirara growled with her teeth digging into Miroku's hand.

Tugging his hand, Kirara only bit down harder.

"Kirara, I swear, I didn't do it!" Miroku said, trying to free his hand gently. "Please, that's the hand that doesn't have a hole in it!"

Inuyasha snorted and looked back towards the trees.

A piercing shriek sent him into motion, diving through the trees faster than he could draw Tetsusaiga.

His eyes flitted around, looking for any sign of danger.

"Where is it? What is it?" He asked, trying to look for danger and at her to make sure that she was okay.

"Sorry, Inuyasha," Kagome said, a hand resting on his arm. "There was a mouse, and it startled me."

Inuyasha let out the breath that he'd been holding, waiting to shout or move or do anything that would ensure Kagome's safety.

"'s okay," he said, trying to let the tension out of his shoulders. She was okay—she looked fine. Nothing was attacking her, and she was uninjured. "You're okay though?" He asked her, just checking as he scanned the woods one last time.

"I'm fine," she said, holding onto Sango and limping slowly back to camp. He started to reach for her, to carry her back and take the weight off her ankle, but she'd wanted to walk, and he'd let her, even though it killed him to trail behind her.


A/N: Happy Thursday!

I honestly just realized that it was Thursday, because it's been a day. In short, my cat is doing very unwell, and we're at end of life with him, and that tough day is coming, and honestly if I can get him for another week, I'll consider myself lucky. So I'm just going to need a bit.

Also, this chapter and the last one feel . . . wobbly to me, and I know where I wanted the next couple of chapters to be, and I needed this one to be more transitional than I would like. Just bear with me. We're approaching the crescendo of the misunderstandings very, very soon, and I'm very excited about them.

Anyway, I hope that you found this one at least tolerable, and again I apologize. I just couldn't fast forward to the scene I wanted, because it wouldn't make any sense.