Chapter 115
Haud ignota loquor
"I say no things that are unknown"


"I'm not saying it because I'm sweet.
I'm saying it because I love you now
and I always have.
More than you can imagine."
The Notebook


The next few days were agonizing. Inuyasha had all but taken a step back from her, and he acted like there was some sort of invisible barrier between them. He'd taken to doing only the bare minimum in carrying her from one place to another, and then leaving her alone.

It felt like a punishment. Like she'd done something wrong, and now he didn't want anything to do with her.

When they'd finally arrived in Kaede's village, it felt like a relief.

He'd made his choice, and she'd made hers, and unfortunately, they just weren't compatible. She could deal with that. She just needed a day or two at home to cope. That was all. Just a day to absorb that they were friends. That when he'd said that he'd rather have her, that he meant something other than what she'd wanted it so badly to mean.

It'd be fine. Just a day of coping and then she'd be okay. Right as rain and able to come back with no issues.

She'd made it through harder stuff than this.

Inuyasha leapt through the village, landing in front of Kaede's hut.

"Hag's out doing something," he said, walking through the hanging mat over the doorway.

"I believe we will go let Lady Kaede know that we have returned, and perhaps some of the details that have transpired," Miroku said. "You should come with me, Sango."

Sango quickly set her backpack inside the door way as she and Miroku darted off towards the village.

There was a soft jab at her chest as she realized that they were going to tell Kaede before they told her, and she'd been there. She'd fought Kikyo! And yet no one was willing to tell her what had happened afterwards.

But then again, maybe that was why?

Either way, their scampering off didn't resolve any of those lingering fears about what she thought was going to happen. At least, Inuyasha wasn't shoving her down the well this time.

She didn't know if her heart could take that again.

He lowered her by the fire, grabbing the poker and stoking the coals into an actual flame.

"You want a blanket?" He asked.

"I can get it," she told him, and then slowly tugged the haori off her shoulders to give it back to him. "Here," she said, almost pulling one arm free, before he stilled her.

"Keep it," was all he said.

Kagome stared up at him, but he was looking back at the fire as he intently stirred it back to life.

"I'm going to go hunt something for dinner," he said, standing up. "You need anything?"

"I can get it," she said, starting to shift, but his hand snagged her wrist before she could even start to move.

"What do you want?"

"My backpack?" She asked, and he stalked the two steps towards it, picking it up with one hand and setting it down right beside her.

He crouched down beside her, shifting the bag so that it was easily accessible, like he didn't want her moving it.

"Anything else?" He asked, and she shook her head.

He gave her a stern nod before tugging her head towards him and placing a firm—and undeniable—kiss to the top of her head.

"Okay, I'll be back. Shippo," he turned to the kit as Kagome blinked up at him. "Keep her safe or I'll roast your ass over a spit for dinner."

"Got it!" Shippo said, flashing him a salute, before crawling into her lap.

"You can't protect her if you're napping."

"I'm keeping her warm!" Shippo argued, tail fluffing up in irritation.

Inuyasha made a face and then turned outside, letting the mat flap in the wind. It was quiet as Kagome stared at it.

"You want me to make the fire bigger?" Shippo asked.

"I'm okay for right now, Shippo," she said, running her fingers through his tail fluff.

She pulled out her textbooks and started doing one of her many homework assignments. But after a few minutes, she couldn't focus enough to work on anything. She'd managed to get through a couple of short answers on her biology work, but her brain kept twisting and turning in on itself with questions about Kikyo and Inuyasha, and what had happened that night. Not to mention why no one would speak to her about anything that had happened.

She wanted to know, but she also liked living in that world where Inuyasha could still—maybe—possibly—be hers after all.

This was too much like the cat in the box. Both alive and dead at the same time because neither could be proven true until she opened the box.

Just like her hopes for Inuyasha's full affections.

No one wanted to tell her anything, so she had a feeling that all these touches and kisses felt like a more of a goodbye to her than it did a beginning.

Kagome sighed, closing her book and setting it on top of her bag as she decided that staying in the hut wasn't helping her at all. Maybe sitting outside would do her some good.

Setting Shippo off to the side, she picked up her book and rose to her feet. Shippo's tiny paws steadied her calves as she stood, testing her weight on her ankle. It felt like it could hold her easily. A little stiff and sore, but nothing like it had been a few days ago.

"What are you doing?" Shippo asked.

"I'm going to sit outside in the sun."

"But Inuyasha put you in here," Shippo said, running over and blocking the door with outstretched arms.

"And?" Kagome asked as she set her textbook down on her backpack.

"And that means that you should stay here."

"I'm going on a short walk to clear my head." She brushed the mat to the side and stepped out into the sunlight.

"You can't do that!"

"Why not?" Kagome looked down at Shippo who was darting in front of her and looking in every direction for some sign of help.

"Because!" Shippo shouted, head twisting back and forth as he looked around the village.

"I'll be right back. No one will even know that I left."

Shippo let out a groan as she continued walking the familiar path outside of Kaede's hut.

It wasn't like she was going to run away. She just needed some time to think—by herself.

There hadn't been any time to be really and truly alone and just think. Before Inuyasha' presence had always been calming and comforting, but now it felt like he was a whirlwind scrambling up her thoughts before she'd even had a chance to grasp at them or see them clearly.

She'd only meant to take a short hike around the village and return to the hut, but the forest called to her. It was more than familiar, and with her primary threat gone for the most part, she should be safe enough.

Kagome dragged in a breath, stepping into the shade and protection of the trees and heading for the one place that brought her comfort both in this time and in her own. She took a deep breath as she walked up to the giant tree that towered over her.

Settling down in front, she propped her ankle up on a root that jutted out of the ground, letting the quiet wash over her. She'd never been one for meditation, but it seemed like a really good idea right now.

Because she really didn't have a clue what to do at this point.

Kagome loved Inuyasha. Loved him so much that she didn't know if she'd ever be able to get over him when he left her.

Her mother had always talked about her father with such love and adoration, and once, Kagome had asked if she ever thought of getting married again. Her mother had smiled and said that no one else would ever be able to fill the spot her father left, and it would be unfair to anyone else that she married after him.

And that's what this felt like.

Inuyasha was it for her, even though she wasn't the same thing to him.

She didn't understand why she couldn't ever beat Kikyo. She'd always been second-rate to her previous incarnation, and she'd been genuinely trying to be better.

A better priestess, a better archer, a better friend, a better—well, a better everything.

But she was just Kagome, and it seemed like the more that she tried to outdo Kikyo the farther and farther behind she was falling. Every step forward she made involved fate and the world shoving her forcefully two steps back.

It wasn't fair, and she didn't know how to fix all this or if there was even a way to fix it. She couldn't stop how she felt. She couldn't change what Inuyasha meant to her.

To do so would change something integral about herself, and she'd rather have him be happy than not at all, especially if he was unhappy with her in the end.

Kagome sighed, picking at the grass beside her. She plucked a small flower from the ground and stared at it, twirling it between her fingers.

It felt like an injustice had been done to her, but then again it had always felt unfair that the one guy she was actually interested in wanted nothing more than to be friends. It wasn't like she could just go back to her time and marry Hojo.

She snorted at that.

Marrying Hojo seemed like a nightmarish life of boringness.

She could probably take over Kaede's position here, if she really wanted. At least then she could feel like there was a purpose to her life. Maybe that would be enough.

Kagome sighed as she stared at the flower between her fingers.

It also felt unfair that Inuyasha loved Kikyo despite all the terrible things that she'd done.

To him.

To her.

But Inuyasha had done terrible things as a youkai, and Kagome knew that it wasn't his fault.

The same could be said of Kikyo. Kagome knew that she wasn't really like—like that. The Kikyo that Kaede told her about seemed like someone that Kagome could respect and even admire. The current Kikyo was borne out of pain and confusion and hate, and she'd died thinking that she'd been betrayed, and Kagome knew that deep down it wasn't her fault.

Kagome's eyes drifted to the Goshinboku, where the vines and roots still showed where Inuyasha had been pinned for all those years. The bark was still worn, a deep gouge in the face of the tree.

She'd been the one to free him, to correct Kikyo's mistake. It was Kagome who let Kikyo hold onto a part of her soul and let her roam the earth again.

Kagome had done all these great and supposedly impossible things, and—

Her eyes watered as she stared at the tree.

Was it all just to let Inuyasha be reunited to Kikyo?

Was that all she was?

Just a tool for fate to use to correct something that had been irrevocably altered?

How was that fair?

There was a brief part of her that had hoped that maybe—maybe—after everything they'd been through together, that Inuyasha would see her as something more.

She should've known better than to lean into it. She'd known that deep down this was all just a pipe dream and she was letting herself fuel it more and more and at the end there was nothing but sadness for her.

She didn't want Kikyo dead. She didn't want to see her hurting more than she'd already suffered, but sometimes life would've been so much easier if Kikyo hadn't come back.

It was a terrible thing to think about, and the guilt was a heavy weight on her shoulders. She felt awful for even thinking it, and she knew that Kikyo deserved to live her life freely, but Kagome did too.

Kagome was starting to feel like a sacrificial lamb—only to exist to ensure the happiness of others.

She wiped her face as her eyes watered, and she sniffled, letting the flower drop to the ground beside her.

A terrible crash came through the brush, and Inuyasha's youki flared ominously.

Her head whipped around to see him sliding across the grass, and then he was holding onto her arms.

"What happened?" He asked, eyes darting around as his face followed. "Are you hurt? Did you fall?"

Kagome could only blink as Inuyasha rapid fired questions at her.

"Kagome?" He asked, sniffing the air, and she realized a moment later, sniffing her.

"I'm okay," she answered weakly, and she watched his shoulders fall in what looked like relief as he exhaled slowly.

"Then why did you leave the hut?"

"I wanted to go on a walk. I told Shippo—"

"You were safe in the hut!" Inuyasha reprimanded her. "You couldn't wait ten fucking minutes for me to get back?"

"I didn't go far, and—"

"Kagome, you don't get to fucking leave without—without—" His face scrunched up as he searched for words. "Without at least having a fucking bow!"

Kagome attempted to internalize the wince that followed that statement.

"I was just coming to Goshinboku," her excuse was lame and she knew it. Shippo had asked her to stay, and she'd told him no.

Blatantly outright refused.

"Kagome," he made a strangled noise in the back of his throat before inhaling a deep and long breath of air. "The woods are not safe here."

"I can handle myself against a youkai!"

"What about a wild dog?" Inuyasha asked, eyes staring down into her. "There's at least three packs around the village alone! They'll leave me alone, but you? You're a fucking snack to them."

Kagome could feel her eyes watering.

Yeah, he was making a good point, but she really didn't want to hear it right now. It just felt like more proof that he didn't trust her. He wouldn't have lectured Kikyo like this.

"I know I'm useless, okay!" She shouted back at him. "Can you just not tell me that to my face one time? Just one time!"

Inuyasha was stock still, even as his fingers held onto her.

"Who said you were fucking useless?" Inuyasha growled, teeth bared as his fingers tightened their grip on her arms. Not tight, but definitely not in the direction of letting her go.

"You did! You always do and so does everyone else!" She tried to push him, but he didn't even budge.

"When did I say that you were useless?"

"You say it all the time! You just said I was!"

"I didn't say that you—I swear to fucking hell, Kagome, you are the most frustrating person I know!"

"How? How am I frustrating?" She asked, trying to push his hands off her, and after a moment of pushing, he let her go.

"Because you don't fucking listen to what I'm saying! You just make up shit!"

"I am not making anything up! You literally just said that I was useless against wild dogs!"

"Well, you are! Of course, you can hold your own against a youkai! But a dog isn't going to give two shits about your reiki!"

Okay, yeah, maybe he had a point and all but there was still something that made her bristle.

"I just wanted—" She huffed out her annoyance a bit as she stood with Inuyasha following her. "I just wanted to do something on my own."

"Then do it somewhere that's fucking safe!"

He towered over her, and Kagome bit back a growl of frustration.

"I'm allowed to do things on my own!"

"I didn't say that you couldn't!"

"You can't have it both ways, Inuyasha!"

"How am I having it both ways?! I just said go do your shit, but do it fucking safely!"

Kagome wanted to scream at him, especially with the indignant way that he was staring down at her.

Instead of yelling more, because she was reaching her breaking point, she opted to just turn and walk away from him.

"The fuck do you think you're going?" Inuyasha yelled after her, his footsteps sounding more like hard stomps on the ground behind her.

"On a walk!"

"On that ankle?"

Kagome started as Inuyasha moved in front of her, blocking her way.

"What?"

"I'm not going to let you fuck up your ankle more because you're pissy at me for whatever fucking reason."

"I just told you why I'm upset!"

"Yeah, for a made up bullshit reason!"

"It wasn't made up!" Kagome shouted back. "You know what, I'm done."

She turned and started down the opposite direction from Inuyasha. How dare he tell her that she's just making this up!

Inuyasha let out a garbled noise behind her, and she didn't bother to look back at him.

Jerk.

It was already bad enough that she had to deal with all her feelings at the moment, and she just wanted a moment alone to think. That was all.

And she needed a moment to think without the person of both her affections and frustrations being present. it was hard enough just trying to work through everything.

But then there were footsteps behind her, and she glanced over her shoulder to see Inuyasha walking a few paces behind her.

"What?" He barked out at her.

"You can't just follow me!" She shouted at him.

"Why not?" He said, arms crossed in front of him. "Forest has my fucking name on it."

Kagome was sure if she was a cat, she'd be fluffed up like Buyo whenever he saw a large bug on the floor.

"You're a jerk," she told him, and he sputtered a bit before finding his voice.

"I'm a jerk?" Inuyasha made some vague gesture with his arms that didn't quite make sense. "I'm a jerk?"

"You following me around isn't helping!"

"I'm not even saying anything!"

"Not the point!" Kagome snapped back, turning to face him fully. "I need to learn to do things on my own from now on."

"Why? Where the fuck am I going?"

Kagome stared at him, mouth clicking shut before she said something irreversible.

"Where the fuck am I going that you need to learn how to do shit?"

Did he really expect her to just stay around and wait for him? Was she supposed to just give her life up so he didn't have to make a hard choice that he'd already made?

It wasn't like she had interest in anyone else, but demanding that she stick around just to watch seemed—well, it seemed crueler than she thought him capable of.

"Because, Kikyo—" Kagome started, watching Inuyasha's face scrunch up.

"What the fuck does Kikyo have to do with this?"

This time, Kagome spread her arms out to basically say that she had everything to do with it. She'd been the whole reason behind everything that had happened, that she'd done, and why Kagome was in her present turmoil and fight with Inuyasha.

"What the fuck does—" Inuyasha mimicked her own movements back at her, "this mean?"

"You're really going to make me say it?" Kagome said.

"Yes, because clearly you're off thinking dumb shit again."

Kagome let out a heavy and frustrated sigh.

"Kikyo has everything to do with everything!" She said, making a wide gesture with her arms in front of her. Inuyasha said nothing but narrowed his eyes at her, and she decided that if he was going to pretend that he didn't get it then she was going to explain at length what Kikyo meant to him, to her, and to them.

Taking a deep breath, Kagome tried to rein in her anger and her hurt at being forced to explain this to him. But she could already feel her eyes watering.

"Look," Kagome started. "I'm her reincarnation, I get that. I understand how important she was to the village, and everyone, but—it's not fair that's all anyone sees when they look at me is her. I'm not Kikyo, and the only time that you or anyone cares to notice is when I'm not as good or noble or kind or all the things that anyone remembers her for."

Kagome took a breath and a step back from Inuyasha.

"I'm not mad that she came back. I'm not even mad that she has part of my soul! I'm mad because she did all these bad things and the only person that anyone ever judged for it was me. Do you know how hard it is to be held to a standard that not even Kikyo could reach?"

Inuyasha flinched, and Kagome swallowed thickly.

"Every thing I do is judged against what someone else might have done or could have done, and how they could've done it better than me."

Inuyasha stared at her, eyes narrowed as she felt her anger waver.

"It's so unfair! You didn't have a say in anything, and it's not like—I mean, I'm not—" Kagome groaned in frustration, turning away to take a few measured steps, before turning and facing him again. "I don't blame you."

She took a deep breath and walked another few paces from him.

"You loved her, and—and I'm sorry that I'm in the way, but—" Kagome swallowed again, "but I can't live like this. I can't handle being compared to the one woman I'll never have a hope of matching."

Kagome couldn't stand to look at him. Instead, she stared at her hands and kept moving because standing still made it seem like everything couldn't catch up to her, and she could just outrun it forever.

"And I'm—I'm not mad—at her or at you, because it wasn't fair what happened to either of you, and I don't blame you for being in love with Kikyo. But none of this is fair to me either, and it feels like—like I'm the one being punished and judged for someone else's actions. And it's not fair that I'm stuck in the middle because you're still hung up on Kikyo!"

At this, Inuyasha stepped into her path, making her stumble back a step, which he followed almost eagerly, forcing her to back up even more.

"The only one still hung up on Kikyo is you," Inuyasha said pointedly.

"No!" Kagome shook her head at that. "That's not fair!"

"How is it not fair?" He asked, taking a step forward for each one that she took back. "You're the one holding my past against me!"

"I am not!" She protested, albeit weakly. She wasn't holding his past against him!

"You think that I knew what love was back then? Kikyo was the first person since my mother who didn't try to kill me because of what I was. I only agreed to be human because I was so fucking lonely!"

"I know that!"

"Then why are you being—" A low growl escaped him, and she could hear his teeth grinding together. "I'm doing the best I can! No one told me how to fucking handle this sort of thing!"

"I already said I don't blame you."

"But you do!"

"I just said that I don't!"

"You can say the words, but you don't mean them."

Kagome pushed him, and he took a staggered step back.

"I do mean them! I always knew that you loved her, and I stayed anyway! I could've just stayed on the other side of the well! My life would've been so much easier if I had! But I chose to be your friend! I chose to stay by you! Even though you've made it so clear that you didn't want me like you wanted her!" Tears ran down her face, but she couldn't stop. "I stayed anyway!" She pushed harshly against his chest, but he didn't move away from her. "I stayed anyway, because you're—you're—" A harsh sob choked off her words. "It's not fair that she only loves part of you and still gets all of you!"

Inuyasha growled low and loud—a sound so low that it thrummed between them.

"Don't you get it? I'd turn fucking human if you fucking asked me to!"

"I'd never ask you to do that!"

"I know, and I fucking love you for that!"

Kagome sucked in a breath, staring at his face as he glowered down at her.

"What?" She breathed.

"Don't you get it, idiot?!" He continued to yell.

"I'm not an idiot," she whispered, still trying to unhear those words, because they would only lead to more hurt, more pain.

He didn't mean it like that.

He didn't mean it the way that she wanted him to.

"Yeah, well, you're the only one who's not getting it!"

"You can't say that!"

"Why not? It's true!"

"No!"

"Fucking hell, Kagome!"

"No! You don't get to say that and not mean it!"

"Who says I don't mean it?!"

"You don't mean it like I want you to mean it, okay!" Kagome shouted, shoving him even as she cried. "It's not the same love you have for Kikyo!"

"Of course it isn't!" The air froze around her, and she found that nothing was reaching her lungs. This was it.

This was the moment that she'd dreaded since forever. She'd known that it was coming, and she'd thought that she might be ready to hear it, but she wasn't. She wasn't ready at all.

"You think that I love her the same way that I love you?"

She clamped her eyes shut as she shook her head. She'd never be ready to hear it.

"Don't," she managed to eek out as every muscle froze. "Please."

"No, you need to hear this!"

But Kagome was at her limit, and she couldn't stop him. She didn't have the strength, and despite her thoughts on the matter, she wasn't prepared to have her world dismantled in one strong sweep of his hand.

She wasn't ready to leave everyone behind when she was sent home—shards stripped from her—and she was abandoned on the other side of the well.

"Sit," she whispered.


A/N: Happy Thursday!

Sorry for the unexpected absence. Life has been unseasonably difficult these past few weeks, and I just couldn't deal with everything and publish this chapter, which was a hot mess (and still kinda feels that way). If you saw my tumblr post, it gave you a long list of things that were going on, most of which have improved, but dealing with them in the interim was overwhelming. Honestly, this week was probably the best week in terms of writing since the last posting.

But I hope that you enjoyed the chapter, and as you can see, Inuyasha is at least attempting to clear the air between them, even though Kagome is still clinging onto those fears and insecurities in her attempt to protect herself.

The next few postings are going to be on a maybe setting. I have another injection tentatively scheduled at the end of the month which may or may not interfere with posting. I'm hoping not, but I don't want to post and update and say "I'm not updating," you know? So just know that if you don't see an update, and you should, it's probably just me being overwhelmed or unable to do it.

So just bare with me and know that I'm nowhere near abandoning this fic, but life is just being an asshole at the moment.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!