*** I heard from several people that they have issues accessing this chapter, so I decided to remove and repost it. Seriously, I am starting to get annoyed with all the issues of this website. Just in case this happens again, I want to let you know that I am crossposting all my work to AO3. I still prefer to post it here for several reasons, but just in case if my stories are inaccesible here, you can read them there. ***
Thank you all for the kind reactions to my first chapter. You really made my week!
This chapter is quite conversation-heavy. Sheldon is going to finish his "I've been thinking about relationships"-statement. It took me a long time to work on that one. It couldn't be too self-aware, because we are still talking about Sheldon. Also, not too emotional, because at the time he came up with it, he didn't know Amy was thinking of breaking up with him. It had to be logical, but still meaningful enough to change things. You can imagine I rewrote this chapter many, many times and I hope I did not go overboard with his progress. But, well, he is a genius, so I decided that he might have figured out one or two things with everything that happened that day. I hope I got it right and I am really curious what you think of my version.
The next chapter will conclude this first tale. There will be more conversations in it and of course also a bit of Shamy-fluff and cuteness.
The Love Retrieval Chronicles
Tale One - The Matrimonial Momentum
Part 2 of 3
Amy
"I can't believe they drove to Las Vegas. Why the sudden rush? Do you think Penny's pregnant?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Howie. She would have told me that. Besides, not everyone needs a big wedding. We tried to get married at the courthouse. Remember?"
Howard scoffed.
"Yeah, but that was different. We did it because we wanted to get married before I went off to space. Leonard's not an astronaut like me. And in the end, we still got married with all our friends present."
"Excuse me, all your friends?", Stuart chimed in.
"Come on, Stuart, you know what I mean.", Howard brushed him off.
"Yes. I know. You keep forgetting me. I am used to being the forgettable one."
"Can you believe this?", Bernadette said, turning to Amy. "He's living with us for free and still has the nerve to whine about this."
"Huh?"
Amy had been sitting there on the couch, only half-listening to the conversation that was going on around her.
Ever since her encounter with Sheldon earlier today, she had not been able to get his face out of her mind. Or the way he had walked away from her with slumped shoulders.
Or his words.
"No. I think… I need the fresh air."
Sheldon did not like fresh air. It was not like him to take walks unless it was necessary.
But then again, this whole encounter today had not been like Sheldon at all.
Amy's heart had crumbled at the sight of him.
This man… he was not indifferent to their possible break-up at all. She could see that he was having an incredible hard time with it.
Amy realized that even though it had not been her intention… Sheldon's heart was broken just like hers.
The conflict inside of her heart was welling up again.
She had every right to be here without Sheldon. She should be enjoying her time with her friends. And she should not care about how sad he had looked. It did not matter. Not today.
And yet, this was the man she loved. His sadness did matter to her. She hated that he was hurting.
It had taken her almost ten minutes to compose herself until she had found herself able to turn on the engine and drive over to her friends' place in the first place. And now, everything felt wrong.
She did not want this. She did not want any of this.
She did not want to be here when Sheldon was alone in his apartment. She did not want to talk to Bernadette about a possible break-up. Because she did not want there to be a break-up.
Maybe she should just drive over to Sheldon's place and take everything back. Every fiber of her being told her to.
But the fact was, she had asked for time. And it had taken her so much strength to take this step. Did she not owe it to herself to see it through?
As shattered and broken as Sheldon had looked before, it did not change the reason they were in this mess in the first place.
She had hoped that this day would make her feel better. That it would help her see clearly again.
But on the contrary, Amy felt completely misplaced. And restless. And confused.
She really only wanted to get this over with and get back home to crawl into her bed to feel sorry for herself.
Of course, it was just her luck that the wedding chapel was running behind.
And so, she had to sit here, half-listening to her friends' conversations which Bernadette was trying to include her in.
And all the while, all she could think of was Sheldon's face.
His sad, sad face. Full of hurt and defeat.
She had not expected it. She had expected a childish tantrum and an unwillingness to give her time. And instead… she had gotten a glimpse of man who was broken on the inside.
"No, Amy. Please, just go. I should never have come here. I… I need to get back home. Where things still… make sense."
She kept asking herself… Had she really done the right thing, asking for time? Or should she have done things differently?
All things considered it had been the only option. Right?
"Hey, where's Sheldon?"
Amy froze at the mention of her "maybe or maybe not"-boyfriend. She hadn't even noticed Raj coming out of the kitchen, where he had been busy preparing his cinnamon rolls since before she had arrived.
She turned to him, ready to make up some lie about Sheldon being at work or feeling under the weather, but it was too late.
"Don't mention him, Raj.", Berandette said before handing Amy a glass of wine. "This is a Sheldon-free zone today."
Raj turned his head to Amy, then back to Bernadette. He seemed confused.
"A Sheldon-free zone?", he asked. "But Amy's here… so… that means…"
"She broke up with him.", Howard interjected. "And it's about time, if you ask me."
Amy remained frozen. At this point, she didn't even feel like part of the conversation anymore. It was more like watching a movie.
A movie about something that felt all wrong. Something that should definitely not be happening.
Like an episode of the Twilight Zone.
That feeling got even stronger when all of a sudden Stuart was sitting next to her.
"Interesting.", he said in a sleezy voice. Amy shuddered I disgust as she looked at the hand, he had put on her shoulder. "I mean… I am so sorry to hear it. If you ever want to talk…"
Amy quickly scooted away, snapping out of her stupor.
"Thank you, Stuart, but that will not be necessary.", she said gruffly. "Besides Sheldon and I haven't really…"
"Why?", Raj blurted out. "Why now suddenly? I thought things were going so well between the two of you."
"Well?", Bernadette asked in disdain. "They were together five years, and he was barely giving her affection. You should have seen him on Valentine's Day last year. Howard's right, Amy. It's about time. The way Sheldon treated you has been painful to watch."
Painful to watch?
Anger welled up in Amy's chest. It was so typical for Bernadette to act condescendingly about her relationship with Sheldon.
'No one wants you to express your sexuality.'
'Your sex live with Sheldon is only theoretical.'
These lines still sometimes resonated in her ears at night.
And now Bernadette of all people dared to talk about Sheldon like this?
Even more so, she dared to speak like this about the beautiful night when Sheldon had kissed her for the first time?
A surge of protectiveness welled up in her chest.
"Well, it took her remarkably long, but she has finally figured out what an emotionless robot he is.", Howard snorted. "Good for you, Amy. You escaped. May your next boyfriend be an actual living, breathing human being."
"I'm an actual living, breathing human being.", Stuart told her, giving her another creepy smile.
Amy did not know what was bothering him more.
The behavior of Sheldon's so-called friends, or the way Stuart was looking at her.
Well, probably the latter, she thought, scrunching up her nose. She usually did not mind Stuart, but today, his gaze alone made her crave a long, thorough shower.
Enough. This had to stop.
"Will you guys stop it already?", Amy exclaimed and got up from the couch. "You do realize you are talking about one of your closest friends here."
"Well…", Howard started, but Amy shot him a dirty look, silencing him effectively.
"You say Sheldon's an emotionless robot. But frankly, he's much more loyal and caring than any of you guys are. Here you are, joking about him when he just got his heart broken after a five-year-long relationship. Sheldon may be socially clueless, but you all know that, if this were the other way around, in his own messed up way, he would be there for all of you. No questions asked."
With that, she stormed off to the kitchen and poured out her wine into the sink.
As much as she wanted to numb the pain, even the smell of wine made her want to vomit today.
Her whole body seemed to be rebelling against this weird feeling. It all felt so messed up. So pointless.
She couldn't breathe anymore. She couldn't think. She… she just couldn't.
Amy's lips started trembling and her legs began to shake. She held herself upright at the kitchen counter and dropped her head, a sob escaping her throat.
This was all wrong. On so many levels.
She wasn't supposed to be here. And things weren't supposed to be this way.
It was a nightmare. And all she wanted was to wake up and be back with Sheldon. In any capacity. Everything would be better if she could just be with him and forget about this whole mess.
"Amy?"
She took a deep breath and turned around, being met with Raj's gaze.
He seemed genuinely worried for her. Only now did Amy realize he was the only one who had not said anything demeaning about Sheldon just now.
"I'm sorry. I just…", she breathed out. "It's… I…"
Raj stepped closer to her, pulling her into his arms.
And in that moment, she realized, this was what she had needed all day.
A hug. A chance to rest her head and breathe through.
"I agree with you.", he told her, as she all but hyperventilated against his shoulder. "Sheldon can be a jerk, but he does not deserve to be talked about like this. And neither of you deserve to have your relationship disrespected like our friends just did. No matter what happened between you two I want you to know that I am on your side. On both your side I mean. I am rooting for you two. So, if you feel like talking… I am here."
She nodded frantically. This too was what she needed.
Someone she could talk to about this mess. Someone who would not pick sides or tell her to just leave Sheldon. Someone who got that it wasn't this easy.
"Oh, Rajesh, it's such a mess.", she cried into his sweater vest. "I don't know what I'm doing. It's all wrong. And now… Sheldon and I might be…"
He wrapped his arms around her tightly, stroking her back soothingly, letting her pour her heart out.
The words seemed to just fall out of her mouth.
Their botched anniversary and what it represented to her. Her hopes that had been crushed. Her doubts about her future with Sheldon. And then, how sad Sheldon had looked this morning. How guilty she felt. And how she simply couldn't find a path out of this maze of feelings and doubts.
She had no idea if Raj even understood a word of what she was saying between the sobs and hiccups.
"It's okay.", Raj kept telling her, stroking her back. "You'll be okay."
"You think so?", she asked doubtingly.
"Yes. I think so. You love Sheldon. And Sheldon loves you. You will figure this out."
She pulled away, so she could look at Raj.
"I don't know.", she said sadly. "I don't know if… this is enough for me anymore."
"Have you told Sheldon?", Raj asked seriously.
"Not in so many words.", she hesitated. "But… he must know that I…"
"Amy, how long have you known Sheldon? He needs all the words. Or he won't get it. But if does get it… you know he will always try. Right?"
"What if I am sick of this?", she huffed. "Of having to point out things in the first place? Of always feeling like his needs matter more than mine? Of being afraid that I could be asking too much of him? Of walking around on eggshells because he's a flight risk?"
"Do you really think that?", he asked her softly. "How did you phrase it before? In his own messed up way… your needs matter more to him than anyone else's. And he's not a flight risk, or he wouldn't have changed this much because of you. For you."
Amy bit her lips. Yes, Raj had a point. But Sheldon had ran away before. Granted, much had changed between them since. But…
"So, you're saying I should just be content with his… 'messed up way'?", Amy asked sarcastically. "Be happy that he's trying? Because he's doing the best he can, and I don't want to lose him?"
"I mean it's probably what I would do.", he admitted. "But no, I am not saying that. If you are certain you don't want to be with Sheldon anymore, then sure, break things off. But if you still love him, then maybe before you break up with him, you should tell him how you feel. You know. No more eggshells. No more being afraid of asking too much."
"And you think he'll listen to me? I mean… really listen?"
"Well, at this point…", Raj shrugged. "What do you have to lose? Just try to make him listen. Also, the Sheldon you just described… the one who showed up at your apartment to get you back… he will listen. And he will try. Amy, Sheldon will always try for you. More than he ever has tried for anyone else."
I've been thinking about relationships and how hard they can be…
Suddenly there were quite a few new scenarios in her head of how that statement could have ended.
Maybe he wasn't saying that it was too hard. Maybe… maybe she would have liked hearing what he had to say.
So, maybe Sheldon wasn't the only one who should be listening.
Oh, damn it…
"You know what you're doing right now is cruel, right?", she asked, looking at Raj with teary eyes.
"What am I doing?", he asked softly.
"Giving me hope, when I was just accepting the possibility of living without Sheldon.", she whispered. "Making me want to believe that maybe things can work out."
"Well…", Raj shrugged. "Maybe this is because I'm in a happy relationship myself now. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I think it would be a shame for two people who love each other to part while there's still a chance."
"Happy relationship.", she deadpanned and raised her eyebrows. "Rajesh, you're about to have sex on a graveyard because you are too afraid to tell your girlfriend you're not into it."
"I didn't call it a perfect relationship.", Raj defended himself.
Amy snickered, then turned serious as she wiggled out of Raj's embrace.
"Thank you, Rajesh.", she whispered.
Raj gave her a soft smile.
"So, are you ready now?", he asked.
"Ready for…"
"Ready to drive.", he said simply. "Or do you want me to take you to Los Robles?"
Her heart dropped. It was clear what he meant.
"I… I think I can drive…", she croaked.
He smiled and squeezed her shoulders assuringly.
"Then go, Amy.", he told her. "Go put Sheldon out of his misery. And if things don't work out, call me. I'll be there if you need me."
She grinned. "You're just saying that because you want an excuse to get out of your cemetery-date."
Raj started shaking his head in protest at first, then nodded instead.
"Literally any excuse."
Sheldon
He had thought he would feel better in his apartment.
But the hole in his heart seemed to only grow bigger with every minute that passed.
The wedding was supposed to start in an hour.
But this… this was not supposed to be the way it was happening.
He was not supposed to be watching his two best friends' wedding, while sitting alone in his apartment.
Sheldon looked at the seat next to him and sighed.
He still did not fully understand why Amy wasn't here with him. Why she hadn't spoken to him. Why his words had made her so angry she saw no other solution than leave him.
It was supposed to be an innocent question. He wanted to hear her opinion, and then he wanted to resume kissing her.
He sighed once more.
Yes, sure, Penny had told him what the problem was. Amy had wanted his attention on her. In a way that did not leave room for thinking about TV-shows.
This was one of the many social expectations that went right over his head.
He and Amy tended to talk about everything. It was part of what he loved about her. That she made excellent points in all their conversations. That she was one of the few people in this world whose opinion he could respect and wanted to hear.
If she did not want to talk about The Flash in that moment, then why couldn't she just tell him? Was this really reason enough to break up with him?
Well, he was not stupid. He knew there had to be more than just that. He knew Amy would not break up with him over this alone, if she were content with everything else.
But still, if it hadn't been for this one moment, this one ill-timed question, then she would not have left. He might have gotten the opportunity to start a conversation about their future. And then, maybe Amy could have brought up her concerns in a different manner.
If only he could change the outcome of their five-year-anniversary.
Sheldon knew he had acted poorly in the past. Because he had not been ready for the things he felt for Amy. But this time… this time he had screwed up royally not because things were too much for him or because he wasn't ready for his feelings, but because apparently, he still had not figured out fully how this relationship-thing worked.
He kept replaying the conversation in his mind, wishing he had answered differently.
"Can you believe it has been five years since our first date?" – "I know… Anyway…"
The conversation could have stopped right then and there, and they could have just kept kissing.
Of course, with a little time to think about it, he realized that maybe Amy would have wanted to hear the first thought that popped up in his brain when he thought about the day he met her.
"Can you believe it has been five years since our first date?" – "I know… And I am really glad I agreed to go to that coffee shop. I love you, Amy."
Or maybe, he could have been even more courageous.
"Can you believe it has been five years since our first date?" – "I know. Now how about we stay together for the rest of our lives?" – "What? Sheldon what are you… why are you getting down on one knee… what is thi…" – "I know this is sudden, but I believe it is the right time. Amy Farrah Fowler, will you marry me?"
Sheldon swallowed dryly.
How he wished he could build a time machine and make any of these alternatives his reality.
He all but jumped when there was a knock at the apartment door.
He wasn't expecting anyone. And the one person he wanted to see was having a great time without him.
So, most likely, it was one of his neighbors needing something.
It was a social obligation to open one's door. Just like answering one's phone.
But he couldn't. He could not deal with more people today.
So, he chose to ignore the knocking and focused on the TV screen, waiting for the livestream to start.
"Sheldon? I know you're home. Please let me in."
Sheldon's gaze shot to the door.
How was this possible? What was she doing here?
"It's…", he cleared his throat, startled by the hoarseness of his voice. "It's open. Come in."
In the split second, before Amy opened the door, Sheldon's brain worked in overdrive to go through the various ways how the next few minutes could play out.
Why was she here?
Because for some reason the internet at Howard's house as well as at her apartment wasn't working and she really wanted to see her bestie get married?
Or maybe… could he hope that the additional few hours had been enough for her to end this ridiculous break?
Or… was she coming to break things off officially? Had she met another man? Oh, it would be just like Bernadette to set Amy up the second she saw an opportunity.
"Hello Sheldon.", Amy said politely as she slowly walked into his apartment. "I hope this is okay."
"That depends.", he said quietly, trying to figure out her mood. At least she wasn't showing her yelly-face like last time when she was here. "Why are you here?"
She seemed to hesitate as she chewed on her lower lips for a few seconds, before she spoke.
"You said something about relationships.", she all but whispered then. "That you've been thinking about how hard they could be. Could you… uhm… elaborate?"
It took a second for Sheldon to comprehend what she meant.
Oh. The phone call… So, this was it. She needed information.
He was always willing to share information but… what was the meaning of her question?
His heart leaped in his chest.
Of course. She was deciding if she still wanted to be with him, and the answer to her question was crucial to that decision.
He remembered clearly of course. And he was glad that he would finally be able to finish his statement.
But on the other hand… it was starting to feel like a test.
A test he did not want to fail in.
He got up quickly and walked past her to close the door.
"Why… did you do that?", she asked curiously.
"Just…", he avoided her gaze. "You're not supposed to leave your door open. It's unsafe."
She did not have to know that he was afraid she would leave once she had her answer. And that he was standing in front of the closed door, so he could beg her to stay.
"Sheldon…"
"I've been thinking about relationships.", he reiterated, backing against the door for support. "And how hard they can be, and I think… I owe you an apology for the other night. Not because of what I asked, but because of the way I reacted to you when you got upset. Even if I might not understand why you were angry with me, I should have taken a second to ask you what was going on instead of dismissing you."
Amy was blinking rapidly.
"Th… thank you… but…"
"I'm not done.", he interrupted her. "Like I said, I've been thinking about relationships. I've been thinking about them a lot today. About my parents and their struggles. About meemaw and pop-pop. About my aunt and uncle who were together 63 years. And even… Leonard and Penny who, against all odds, are getting married today. And it has gotten me thinking… about us."
"U… us?", she asked.
Sheldon nodded.
"You asked me if I can believe it has been five years since our first date. Of course I can. It is a fact. However, had you asked me if five years ago I could have imagined our relationship to develop the way it did, that answer would have been a firm no."
Amy chuckled dryly, but remained silent otherwise.
He dared to take one step toward her.
"Amy, I always think of our relationship as the most successful one. We are compatible in so many ways. We have similar intellects. We share many interests. We clearly love each other and are committed to each other. But still, we struggle sometimes. And that makes me wonder… what else does a relationship need to be successful? What do… we… need?"
Amy cleared her throat.
"And… did you come up with an answer?"
"I believe I have.", he nodded. "For example, a willingness to realize and admit to one's mistakes. To be willing to learn and do better. I failed to do that the other night. I am used to being right and others being wrong, so much I didn't consider the possibility that maybe I was the one in the wrong. And maybe I have been wrong about other things as well."
"O… other things?", she whispered.
Now came the hard part. The one thing he had never wanted to admit, even to himself.
"The other night… you implied that we were not moving fast enough in this relationship. And… I don't like saying this but… maybe you are right."
"R… really?", Amy croaked. "How… why…"
"Amy, I was talking to Leonard and Penny yesterday, before they went to Las Vegas. They were both stalling and finding reasons for why they hadn't set a date yet. If I hadn't been so worried about not being able to reach you, I might have found it amusing. But then I watched them take a leap and decide in mere seconds. Not because they had thought it through and analyzed every last detail and erased all their worries and fears. But because it was obvious that in the end, this was the right step. And… I… felt happy for them. But also… envious."
"Envious.", she deadpanned disbelievingly. "Of a Las Vegas wedding."
She said it with so much disdain in her voice, he felt slightly amused. And also, a bit relieved.
"Envious.", he nodded. "Because they came to a decision. And I could see that, after the initial shock, they were both relieved. Finally, they had clarity and knew where they were headed. And… I want that too. I just don't know how. Or where to start. But I do love you, Amy. And I hope that you can forgive me for the other night and that together, we can figure out how to take a step forward that suits us both. I am willing to try if you are."
She kept staring at him, her expression unreadable, and it was starting to scare him.
Finally, she looked down on the floor and swallowed.
"Thank you.", she nodded. "Thank you for clarifying this for me."
She wasn't saying anything else. She wasn't giving him an answer to anything he had said.
Did she still need time?
Should he have said more? Should he have told her what was going through his mind after their Skype conversation?
He could have added so much more. For example, how excruciating it had been to imagine a life without her. How scared he was of her reevaluating things. How much his heart was hurting.
How empty he felt without her. And how desperately he needed to know that they were still together. Because he couldn't bear the thought of no longer being her boyfriend. Because he didn't even know who he was anymore when she wasn't in his life.
But she had specifically only wanted to hear the rest of his statement, and he did not want to make her angry by saying too much before she was ready to talk to him.
"Amy…", he whispered, when she still did not answer.
Finally, she looked back at him.
"I would… uhm…", she croaked. "I would very much like to watch the wedding with you."
Well, that was an interesting change of topic.
"Watch the…", he stared at her in confusion. "I thought you were going to watch it with Howard and Bernadette."
"Yes, but I'd rather watch it here. With you. If… you're okay with it."
He wanted to ask her why.
But did it really matter?
Amy was here.
And while he was dying to know what she thought about his words… desperate for a conversation about the fate of their relationship… right now he just was too tired to care about anything other than the fact that she was staying.
