Thank you for your patience!
With this chapter we are (very) slowly entering M-rated territory. Honestly, I have no idea what happened when I wrote this. But as so often, the characters have developed a mind of their own, so please don't blame me for their actions.
I will post the last chapter to this tale sometime next week, and then I am almost certain the one-shot based on the second episode will be ready one week later.
After that, I cannot make any promises since the new school year will be starting soon and I still don't know what the exact situation in my school will be. The teacher-shortage is reaching ridiculous proportions in my area. Most likely, I will be working a lot more than I thought and I will need to focus on how to make the best of the situation both for my family and for the children at my school.
I will continue this story (and the other stories I am working on), but I might be taking longer breaks in between the individual tales.
Thank you for understanding. Now I hope you will enjoy this chapter!
The Love Retrieval Chronicles
Tale Two – 'The Bachelor Party Corrosion'
Part 3 of 4
Sheldon
'Okay.'
It was only one word. And such a simple one.
Yet, in that moment, Sheldon felt it carried the weight of the whole world.
It carried relief. Because it spared him from having to walk up three flights of stairs with a heavy heart full of pain and regret because he had lost her. Again.
Fear as well. Because what were the chances anything good would come out of this unexpected chance? For all he knew he would just say something wrong again. Do something wrong. Push her farther away. Because it seemed this was all he was capable of anymore.
At last, it carried hope. Only a little. A glimmer. Because Amy was taking him to her place. And maybe it meant that he had not ruined everything just yet. Maybe she had not completely given up on him.
And as they drove the short distance, Sheldon chose to hold on to the tiny glimmer of hope. Wishing it would ignite a fire that would cleanse him from the pain. That it would melt the cracks of his damaged soul and put him back together again.
Was it wise to follow this sudden urge to hold on to her presence for just a little bit longer?
Only time would tell.
Another few minutes of deafening silence later, they finally arrived at Amy's apartment.
Sheldon looked around, weary of any signs of more change. But - to his great relief – as much as Amy was behaving differently to what he was used to, she had not refurnished her apartment.
There were no moving boxes either, so he guessed, her idea of moving was still a vague one.
At least for now.
"You said you were hungry.", Amy pulled him out of his stupor. "I could order pizza."
"I doubt you'll find a decent pizza place that is open right now.", he countered, checking his watch. It was 4 am already.
Amy hesitated.
"Or maybe I could make us something small.", she offered. "Although I'm afraid I don't have much at home."
Sheldon did not care. His stomach had stopped grumbling a while ago. After everything, he really did not feel hungry anymore.
At least not for food.
"Whatever you want is fine with me.", he said absentmindedly as he kept taking in her apartment.
"Alright.", Amy nodded. "Go sit down while I check the fridge."
Sheldon was about to take a seat on her couch, but then he remembered the state he was in.
His clothes were singed and covered in soot and dirt. And who could tell what germs he had picked up in that Mexican prison cell?
"I don't want to soil your furniture.", he said apologetically. "I'm sorry. I should not have imposed on you like this."
"It's okay.", she said quietly, looking him up and down. "I mean, I guess you could take a shower and change while I prepare food. I must have something in my closet that will fit you."
It was weird. Before in the car… he had felt so close to her. And now, there was this distance between them again.
This feeling that he did not belong here anymore. He belonged in his prison cell. And she deserved better than him.
He was about to tell her this was all a mistake. He should not be here. She had made that perfectly clear just a few weeks ago. And now, instead of getting to rest after a long drive, she was cooking and finding clothes for him.
She always did this. She always took care of him and his needs.
He did not like to feel like this. As if he was nothing but a burden to her. And that maybe she felt he did not deserve her kindness anymore.
But then again, he craved to be here. Everything was better than going home right now.
And after all... he had not asked her for anything. She had willingly offered him her attention and care. And her shower. And clothes.
Maybe she really wanted him to be here.
There it was again.
The small glimmer of hope.
But it was growing stronger.
"That would work.", he said politely. "Thank you."
Sheldon did not really think about how strange it was to shower in Amy's apartment now, when he had never done the same during the five years when they were still together.
In fact, he had trouble thinking clearly at all.
Lacking a better option, he chose to borrow some of Amy's shower gel, which turned out to be a mistake. As if she wasn't on his mind enough already, now the whole room, including himself, smelled like her.
And as the warm water started to wash away the dirt and the sweat, he wanted this shower to last forever. So he could catch a break from the emotional toll this day was taking on him. And at the same time, he couldn't finish quickly enough, because he couldn't wait to get back to her.
Amy.
He sighed deeply, equally worried and excited at the question of what the outcome of this day was going to be. His mind was working in overdrive to figure out all the possibilities.
Sheldon couldn't remember a time when he had felt so tense.
At the very least, Amy was done icing him out of her life, right?
She would start talking to him again. He would at least become… something… to her again. And maybe, even if he still had to exist like this, imprisoned in a world where she wasn't his girlfriend anymore, at least his life would become more bearable again.
Sheldon turned off the shower and reached for the towel, Amy had provided him with.
It was so soft and warm and as he pressed it to his face, he felt tears prickle in the corner of his eyes.
This scent.
The scent of harp music and visits to the zoo. Of brownies and yoo-hoo and movie nights. Of science und games. Of laughter and understanding.
Of her eyes and her smile and her kisses.
Of... of home.
Sheldon swallowed down the lump in his throat and scolded himself.
This was not like him. Sheldon Cooper was a man of logic. Not an emotional mess who started crying because of a towel.
He had to calm down. He had to.
Trying to shake off his raw emotions, he checked out the clothes Amy had prepared for him.
There was a pair of grey jogging pants that were much too short. They looked ridiculous on him, but he had no choice, since even his underwear reeked of ashes and was therefore no viable option.
At least the shirt Amy had left for him looked like it was exactly his size.
The shade of red was strangely familiar and he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion when he shook it out.
Several grains of rice fell down on the floor, which was strange enough. But then he turned the shirt around and suddenly he knew why it felt familiar.
A yellow flash on a white circle on red background.
This was not just any shirt.
It was his.
Impossible.
He had looked for this shirt. He had searched his closet for it and accused the residents in his building of stealing it from his laundry basket. In the end, he had to replace it.
And now... now, apparently, he had two of them.
Why did Amy have it?
Sheldon stared at the shirt. His mind was spinning.
Did Amy steal his shirt? From his apartment? And if so, why?
Should he be angry at her? He felt he should. She was a thief.
But right in that moment, Sheldon was surprised to find he did not care about the stealing.
Because there was a much, much bigger question forming in his mind.
No matter the reason she had stolen his shirt… they had been broken up for weeks. They had exchanged their belongings.
Why had she kept it?
Why… was she still holding on to something that was his?
There was only one explanation.
The glimmer of hope… it wasn't just a glimmer anymore.
And he… he was catching fire.
Still holding the shirt in his hand, he stomped out of the bathroom.
His resolution to stay calm… his conviction to do nothing that could push her away again... it all flew out the window.
Because at this point... Sheldon Cooper felt he had nothing left to lose and everything left to win.
Maybe he had just found the key to unlock his prison cell.
Amy
Ten minutes.
It had taken Amy ten minutes to finally stop shaking.
Her mind was almost blank.
Blank. Except for him.
Sheldon.
He was everywhere.
In her car. Confessing things.
I hate that I don't know what's going on in your life.
I hate that we aren't sharing our lives anymore and that there is this distance between us.
I feel lost without you in my life, Amy.
I don't even want to look at koalas anymore.
Not even in her wildest dreams could she have imagined Sheldon ever saying these things.
It made her so emotional. And hopeful. And also very, very scared.
And then there he was, in her apartment. Apologizing for imposing on her.
And now… In her shower. Naked. Soapy. Wet.
God, she had to stop imagining him like that.
She was having such a hard time trying to pretend that this was not bothering her.
That it meant nothing. That Sheldon showering in her apartment at 4am was nothing out of the ordinary.
That her heart was not aching for his words and her body wasn't screaming for his touch.
That he was only here to talk a little longer. To pretend they were still 'them'.
Whatever that was supposed to mean.
Amy busied herself in her kitchen to distract herself.
Other than the cookies for the girls, she hadn't really spent much time here lately.
She had barely cooked. Or eaten.
But Sheldon did not have to know that, along with their relationship, she had also lost her appetite.
So, she focused on preparing an acceptable meal from the meagre contents of her fridge.
With her back to where Sheldon was, she did not notice his steps and so, she jumped at the sound of his voice.
"Why do you have my shirt?"
Crap.
She had hoped, Sheldon would just be happy to have something clean to wear.
To be completely honest, she hadn't even really thought about her actions when she had stripped it off the giant rice bag.
She had acted on autopilot. Sheldon needed a shirt, so she gave him the one she still had.
Now she realized that not only had her actions led her to lose rice-Sheldon but she also had some explaining to do.
Or maybe she could avoid it, she thought, as she cracked an egg into the bowl in front of her.
"I guess I just forgot to give it back.", she said casually. "Isn't that a neat coincidence? Now you have something to wear that actually fits."
"Yes, but why did you have it in the first place?", he probed. "I know I never gave it to you. Why would I? We don't have the same size, and you certainly never expressed interest in wearing something comic-book themed."
Dammit, he was making great points.
Amy turned around to face him, her eyes widening as she took in his bare chest.
She swallowed deeply.
Did he have to look so... sexy?
His body... when had he become so muscular?
And his hair... not neatly combed like usual but just the right amount of messy. Still slightly wet from showering.
A few single drops of water hanging in the tips, others already running down his shoulders.
He looked like a male model ready to shoot a shampoo commercial.
Amy wanted to comb her hands through his hair and feel the dampness underneath her fingers. She wanted to trace each drop down his body and explore the warmth of his skin.
This was bad. Really, really bad.
And she still had not given him an answer.
Amy tried to focus.
She wanted to come up with something good. Something coherent that would undoubtedly put this discussion to an end.
But due to these circumstances that were entirely out of her control, she could not think of anything but the truth.
"I stole it.", she admitted, challenging him with her eyes. "Because we were together, and I wanted to have something to remind me of you. Now you have it back. Case closed."
At hast she hoped it was closed.
She hoped he would not inquire further. Especially not about why there was rice on the floor now. She really should have shaken the shirt out a bit more.
"You didn't give it back when we exchanged our belongings.", he stressed.
Another excellent point.
"I…", she sighed. "I just forgot I had it. Now could you put on the shirt please? You are… distracting me."
Amy winced.
It had not been necessary to phrase it like this.
Even Sheldon must be able to figure it out now.
The way she was Iooking at him. Her gaze wandering over his arms, chest, stomach. Her mouth slightly open.
She was practically drooling over him.
He was looking at her like never before. A bit confused, yes. But also... it seemed, there was a fire burning in his eyes.
Or maybe she just wanted there to be.
He blinked twice, then shook his head.
"You did not forget, Amy.", he disagreed stubbornly. "A woman with your brain capacity does not just forget things. You did not want to give it back. Because even after breaking up with me, you wanted a reminder of me."
Dammit.
"I did just give it back.", she protested.
"Because you are being practical as usual.", he nodded. "Not because you wanted to get rid of it. Or you would have sent it over weeks ago."
What the hell?
For five years, she'd had to explain and point out every social interaction to this man and now suddenly he could read her like a picture book?
"Sheldon.", she huffed annoyed. "What are you getting at? What do you want from me?"
He opened his mouth but for a second, he seemed to be speechless.
'Everything.', she wanted him to say. And she could swear, it was what he had wanted to say as well.
"Th... the truth.", he stuttered. "Admit it, Amy. You… you wanted a reminder of me, because you miss me. You still care for me. Maybe you even still… love me."
Of course she did. She loved him so much. There were no words that could describe how much she missed him.
But she was not ready for this conversation.
"Sheldon…", she said, shaking her head in despair. "Do we really have to…"
"You still love me.", he emphasized, before he threw the shirt on the kitchen counter and took a step towards her. "That's why you agreed to bring me here. And you are still attracted to me, or you wouldn't be staring at me like I'm a sirloin steak. You want me. You always did. Which leaves the question…", he hesitated. "Why?"
She wanted to tell him that he was wrong. She was searching for the words. But she could not find them.
"Why… what?", she asked dismissively instead.
'Please don't ask.', she pleaded silently. 'Not this question. I'm not ready for it.'
But he did. He asked the one question she still asked herself everyday.
"Why did you leave me, Amy?", he asked softly. "Just because of how I handled our anniversary?"
She blinked, then turned away from him.
It hurt. Everything hurt. Most of all the fact she had no idea how to answer him.
"Sheldon, it's in the middle of the night.", she made a weak attempt to get out of this. Please don't make me…"
"But I need to know, Amy.", he begged, his voice much softer now. "I need to know what I did wrong. I just do not understand why you had to leave me. I have been asking myself if maybe your feelings towards me have changed. But they haven't. Have they?"
"Of course not.", she muttered balling up her hands into fists.
She had walked right into this. She had let him back into her apartment, believing him when he said he just wanted to spend a little more time with her.
"Then… why, Amy? Please. Tell me."
He was even closer to her now. She could feel his breath on her neck.
"Sheldon…", she turned around, her eyes shooting daggers at him, prompting him to take a step back.
Why? Why did he have to push her? Hadn't he promised he just wanted to talk? To... pretend?
They could be talking about their research. About flags. Science reviews.
It was all he used to want to talk about.
So why, for God's sake did this stubborn man have to talk about feelings and their relationship now?
In the wee hours of the morning? Without any sleep? After she had to drive the whole night? To pick him up?
Why did he have to upset her this much? Why could he not just let it go?
"Now you are angry with me", he whispered sadly.
Boy, he had really gotten good at reading her, hadn't he?
Why now? Why could he not be so attentive and focused on her before?
He made her feel… furious. And many other things too. But it was easier to focus on the furious part.
"Of course I am angry.", she shouted at him. "How could I not? You have… no idea. The nerve… Here you are, in my apartment. Half naked. Wearing my jogging pants. Smelling like my shower gel. After I drove you all the way from Mexico. You didn't even thank me for rescuing you. And you keep bringing up all these painful topics, regardless of how I feel about it."
"But I'm not…", he started to protest.
"And of course you are absolutely certain that I am still in love with you. ", she seethed. "You stand here, telling me I still want you. That I always wanted you. So, tell me Sheldon. You. The man who could never identify how others are feeling. How do you know? How can you be this certain of how I feel about you?"
He had the decency to hesitate for just a second.
Then he shook his head again, his expression softening.
"I just… do.", he whispered.
"How?", she whispered back, tears prickling in her eyes. She needed him to say it.
"Because you make me feel it.", he said. "You always do. Or... did. You make me feel important and wanted and loved. I never had to doubt it. I always knew how you felt about me. How you…", he bit his lower lip. "How you still feel."
Amy blinked.
"Well.", she chuckled dryly. "That must be really nice then."
"It is.", he nodded enthusiastically. "So nice."
In her mind, she started counting. How long would it take him, the smartest man on the planet, to figure it out.
"Oh...", his eyes widened as realization dawned on him.
"Exactly.", she snorted, painfully reminded of how much she had craved to feel loved and wanted and important for five years.
"But I told you that I love you.", he protested. "I went on dates with you. I kissed you. I…"
"Except the first thing… you did all that because you had to. And you tried to get out of our date nights more often than not.", she rebutted. "For the longest time, you made it perfectly clear that most of it was a chore to you."
Maybe she was being unfair. He had gotten better at it over the years. He had been making more of an effort.
But still...
"I know, you tried Sheldon.", she told him, a bit calmer now. "You did your best, but… our anniversary date was proof of the fact that while you might love me, you do not want me. The way we kissed… was so intimate and beautiful and yet… it did not have the slightest effect on you. And that hurts, Sheldon."
She was reliving it as she spoke.
The kisses. The desire. The hope.
And then the bucket of ice-cold water that had been poured over her.
The humiliation.
"You think it had no effect on me?", Sheldon croaked. "Amy, that's not…"
"Don't try to deny it, Sheldon.", she said, holding her hand up to stop him. "If it were up to you, we wouldn't have had any physical intimacy in our relationship. We would be living on different planets. And... you only ever kissed me to please me."
"No. I like kissing you.", he protested.
She did not want to hear it.
As much as everything she said in the car was true… as much as she missed him.
She did not need more hope that would just get crushed again.
"Do you know how hard this is?", she continued. "Wanting you so badly it almost hurts? And then… it's not just that you did not make me feel desired. It's that you made me feel as if I was wrong for desiring you. I mean for God's sake… It has been five years, Sheldon."
"So, that's the problem then.", he deduced. "You did not feel that I want you."
"One of the problems.", she said defensively.
There was a lot more to it. So many disappointments. So much frustration had accumulated over the years.
But right now... she found herself unable to voice a single one. Not when he was standing in front of her, looking like this.
It was so hard to be looking at him.
Because he might be infuriating. Pushy. Overstepping every boundary.
But - oh God - did she still want him.
"Amy..."
She shook her head frantically.
His voice... so gentle and full of emotion.
He must know what he was doing to her. He must know that she was dying a million deaths every time she heard his voice. That she couldn't even look at him without reliving every moment they had spent together. Every memory of his lips and the touch of his hand to hers.
She couldn't drown out the sound of her heart slamming against her chest. She couldn't stop her knees from buckling and her fingers from trembling.
She couldn't...
"It's not fair.", she whispered. "That it only takes so little for me to yearn for your touch. You turn my whole world upside down and I... do I even have the slightest effect on you?"
She could hear how desperate she sounded. Because she knew exactly that she did not. She had never affected him. Of that she was certain. She could lie in front of him stark naked and he wouldn't even blink before he lectured her on the history of Elves or something equally ridiculous.
"You do.", he whispered still. "Amy, you do have an effect on me. More than you know."
Impossible.
"Really?"
She looked up, meeting his gaze. He looked so serious. So genuine.
Amy wanted to believe him.
"Of course you do.", he nodded.
She was almost breaking under the temptation to believe him.
There was nothing she wanted more than to imagine a world where Sheldon Cooper was still her boyfriend. And that he actually wanted her.
But... there was Arizona. And Mars. And the Flash.
And so many other things that were painful to think about.
So, she just shook her head and tried to dismiss him.
"Well, you have a lousy way of showing it then."
Sheldon
Sheldon huffed.
Showing it? He was barely able to admit it. To her or to himself.
But maybe it was time to step up and put everything on one card.
He wanted to.
More specifically… he wanted her. And if this… his reluctance to make his feelings known… was a dealbreaker to her, then he would find a way to remove the problem.
"Well, let me find a better way to show you then.", he said, taking a step towards her.
"Sh... Show me?"
"Yes.", he nodded.
"How?"
He had gone crazy. The last of his still working brain cells had put in its resignation at this blatant malfunction.
There was the way she was staring at his bare chest. Her reddened checks. Her desire for him.
And his need for her. His desperation to be with her.
And the realization that maybe, if he hadn't held back as much as he did, he would not have lost her.
Amy wanted a man who made it obvious how much he wanted her?
One who commented on her rear and leered at her chest and kissed and touched her without regulating it with a contract?
Even at inappropriate times?
Well, okay then.
Because he was about to burst. Every rational thought was destroyed, and he felt a side of him emerge. A side he had never known before.
Acting inappropriately had never sounded this tempting.
"Take off your clothes", he demanded.
"What", she shrieked, her eyes widening comically. "Why would I ..."
He took a deep breath, trying to convince himself that there was still logic in his actions.
"You keep staring at my naked chest. You say it's distracting you. You say you yearn for my touch and that I turn your world upside down. I say you do the same to me. You do not believe me, so, let's find out what happens when you reveal yourself to me."
"Sheldon, have you lost your mind?"
He had lost his mind. Absolutely. Moreso, his mind had gone on strike because it chose not to put up with his crazy behavior anymore. For all he knew, it had boarded a rocket and travelled to Mercury without him.
And he did not care. Not even a little bit.
"Maybe.", he admitted. "But you have to admit that you have never given me the opportunity to ogle you the way you are ogling me right now. So how can you judge the… effect you have on me?"
"Don't you dare put the blame on me.", she hissed, crossing her arms in front of her chest as if she was shielding herself from his gaze. "Besides, might I remind you that you bathed me once? You saw me naked then. And there was no reaction."
"You were sick.", he rebutted. "What kind of boyfriend would I be, had I focused on your body? But rest assured, I will be paying much, much more attention to it now."
She did not seem to have an answer to that, as she sucked in a breath and shook her head disbelievingly.
"Just to be clear what you are suggesting.", she said scratching her ear. "You want me, your ex-girlfriend who you never showed an interest in seeing naked in five years, to remove my clothes."
Well, anything sounded crazy if she used this voice.
"J… just the upper half.", he stuttered. "To… even the playfield."
"Even the… playfield.", she deadpanned.
"Yes."
"To find out if you are attracted to me."
"I am attracted to you, Amy.", he rolled his eyes at her. "With or without clothes. This is only about giving you proof."
"Right…", she said in a tone that told him she did not believe him one bit.
"What do you have to lose?", he challenged her, taking another step towards her. "If I show no reaction, you'll know you were right. And if I do… well, I thought that's what you wanted in the first place."
He was grasping for straws, he knew that. And seeing Amy half-naked had definitely not been on the list of things he had wanted to achieve tonight.
But now that he had suggested it, he was strangely intrigued.
And a little scared too. What if she was right? What if he didn't react the way she wanted him to? The way he assumed he was going to react. What would that say about him? And would it mean their relationship was unsalvageable?
And… what if he did… react to her? Would it help him get his girlfriend back? And if so… what were the next steps? And was he ready for them?
Maybe he really was going crazy right now. Maybe it was the fact that it was almost morning, and he hadn't slept.
Or maybe spending time in a Mexican prison cell had turned him into a bad, bad boy.
Yes. That must be it.
He only knew that something inside of him had finally snapped. And he absolutely wanted to see this through.
"I never undressed in front of a man before.", she said hesitantly.
It sounded as if she was considering it. And it made his heart thunder inside of his chest.
"I know.", he nodded. "But… you know I will always be a gentleman."
"I know that.", she repeated.
"So…"
He raised his eyebrows at her, trying to seem more courageous than he really was.
She held his gaze defiantly, although he could swear, there was something else flickering in her eyes.
Fear? No, not quite. More… vulnerability.
He started to feel bad.
Was he pressuring her? Was it too much?
He was about to call the whole thing off, but she surprised him with her next word.
"Okay.", she whispered.
Again, this simple word. And again, it carried more than he could have ever imagined.
"O… okay?", he asked, feeling an unexpected heat in his stomach. "Really?"
She was shaking. Her cheeks were deep red. So was her neck.
But she nodded.
"This does not mean we are getting back together."
Pain coursed through his chest.
"I know.", he said, nonetheless.
"This is only an experiment. It does not mean I want you to k… kiss me or… t… or…"
"Alright.", he said quickly, trying not to think about kissing her.
She breathed out heavily.
"Very well then… I guess I am going to r… remove my… uhm…"
His gaze shifted to her fingers.
They were trembling as they reached for the top button of her cardigan.
Sheldon exhaled shakily.
He had rarely truly wondered what Amy was hiding underneath her layers. But now that he was so close to uncovering this secret, he realized how much he wanted to see her.
Sheldon found himself unable to even move as Amy opened her cardigan.
Something was happening. He felt hot and cold at the same time. Scared and calm. He had never before been this hyper focused on her and her movements.
After the first piece of clothing was removed and Amy's hands moved to her blouse, Sheldon couldn't stop himself from covering her hands with his.
He wanted to soothe her nervousness.
But if he was honest… he also wanted to speed up the process.
One by one, he opened the white buttons with his trembling fingers. Amy's chest was heaving, and she was breathing out shallowly, but she did not stop him when her blouse fell down on the floor.
He slid his fingers under the hem of her camisole and removed it from her body as well.
Then, he had to blink twice, as he saw her standing there in only her bra. She was trembling all over. But God, was she beautiful.
"Amy…", he whispered, overwhelmed by the moment. By the look in her eyes and by the question what it all meant.
She reached to her back, unhooking the clasp of her bra.
"I uhm…", she croaked, hesitating. "I don't… uhm… I am not… they… are not… perfect."
Why was she stammering like this?
Oh no, he wasn't pressuring her into this, was he?
"Amy, you don't have to…", he said, reaching for her shoulder, ready to stop her.
"But… you want me to.", she whispered. "Right?"
"Not if it makes you uncomfortable but…", he swallowed dryly. "Yes. I do. S… so much."
"Alright…"
She let her hands slip, removing her bra in the process, then straightened out her shoulders. She took a deep breath then but did not say anything. She just stood there, letting her body speak for itself.
And oh boy, did it speak.
So loudly, Sheldon's ears were ringing like church bells.
He wasn't sure, what it was. Maybe the vulnerable expression on her face. And the innocent way she stood there, not posing for him in any way, just revealing her body to him.
Or maybe it was the body itself.
Not perfect? Was she kidding him?
"I…", he croaked, unable to look her into the eye as his gaze wandered over her body. "You… uhm…", he tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. "W… wow..."
"W… wow?", she asked, a hint of a smile playing on her lips.
He opened his mouth to speak. But it wasn't possible. He was smitten. Mesmerized.
By her beauty. But also, by her trust in him.
Because he could see that, for all her bold statements in the past. For all her innuendos and all the ways she had expressed her desire for him, this was not easy for her.
And he had to tell her… no, to show her, that he understood how much this moment meant for the both of them.
So, he swallowed again deeply.
His hands were still on her shoulders, and he caressed her softly, half expecting her to push him away.
But she did not.
Not when he tentatively moved down his left hand to rest on her hip. Not when he opened his mouth to speak again.
He felt so desperate for her.
And he wanted to respect her boundaries. Hadn't she told him that this meant nothing? That she did not want him to kiss her?
But it felt impossible not to move closer to her. Not to cup her face. Not to move his lips to hers.
And as he did, he could hear suck in a deep breath in anticipation. Her breasts were moving up and down with every breath. He tried very hard not to look at them but thanked his lucky stars for his excellent peripheral vision.
"I'm sorry.", he whispered, their lips not even half an inch apart. "But I think, I really, really need to kiss you…"
"Okay.", she whispered back.
The third time today that this word carried all the meaning.
He had permission. Perfect.
Sheldon sighed relieved, as he brushed his lips against hers.
It had only been weeks, but boy had he missed this.
She seemed to be shaking when he kissed her sweetly. Her arms snuck around his back, her hands caressing his bare shoulders.
He pulled away, searching her eyes, the closeness getting to him.
What were they doing?
"Amy…", he whispered.
"Sh…"
He didn't let her say his name. Mostly because he had no idea what his name on her lips would do to him now. He was afraid it would make him lose himself in emotions so deep he would never be able to dig himself out again.
He dove in, kissing her again. No longer sweetly.
He was starving. Maybe he had been starving all his life before he met her. And maybe now was the time to succumb to his need to devour her. To gobble her up and fill his pockets with her love so he would never go hungry again.
Something was happening in his body. A tremor. No. An earthquake. It was ripping him open and putting him back together and all he knew was that he had to kiss her. He had to kiss her, and he could not stop. He could never stop again. Because it was then he realized that oxygen was overrated. He only needed her kiss to survive.
Her hands wandered over his back, clutching at him. Exploring his skin. Digging her fingers into his naked flesh.
Maybe she was starving too.
He moaned deeply and finally moved his own hands from her hips, up her back to her neck.
Her skin was so incredibly soft. How had he never known how much he would enjoy touching her.
"God, I missed you.", he grumbled between kisses. "I missed you so much. I cannot sleep or eat. It all feels wrong without you.
"I missed you too.", she whimpered.
"Will you… uhm... allow me to…", he whispered, moving his hands to her front.
"Oh, God, yes.", she sobbed, looking up at him, her eyes filling with tears, her mouth forming a smile.
It was strange in a way. For such a long time, he had fought this. Told himself that it was ridiculous.
Why should it be desirable to touch another person's body?
It was just skin. Body parts. Covered in sweat and germs.
He could just as easily touch his own skin, although… why would he want even that?
But now he realized how wrong he had been.
His fingers ran over her body. Her neck. Her breasts. Round and firm. Her areolas. So different from everything he had ever felt. Soft. Beautiful. Her nipples. Hardening as he touched them.
He had no idea she would feel like this.
And that in combination with her whimpers and her sighs… he was hit by a storm of emotions. A tidal wave of want and desire.
"Oh…", he groaned.
He was not able to make another sound. So, he kissed her again instead while he allowed his hands to explore her fully.
Sheldon didn't know how long they were standing there in her kitchen. Sharing hot, open-mouthed kisses as they explored each other's bodies.
Why had they never done that before, he wondered as he rolled both her nipples between his fingers, amazed by how her body was responding to his touch. Mesmerized by the breathy moans coming from her mouth.
Never in his life had he been this aroused.
Oh…
He grinned.
Never. In his whole life. Had he been this tremendously aroused by anything or anyone.
Which meant…
He moved his hands to her back again, pulling her close.
He kissed her neck, before moving his mouth to her ear as he pressed his hips into hers.
"Now can you feel the effect you have on me?", he whispered smugly.
"I'm not sure", she moaned teasingly, pressing her body to his. "I've never felt anything like it before."
"So…", he grinned, grasping her right hand with his left. He had no idea where this boldness was coming from all of a sudden. But he liked it. "You want some real-life inspiration for your next batch of cookies?"
"Sheldon…", she gasped, staring at him open mouthed. "Are you sure…"
He swallowed deeply.
No. He wasn't sure at all.
He had never done this before. Any of it. He hadn't planned it. He hadn't prepared for it.
But just like before, it was impossible to deny himself the opportunity to continue. To feel what he had been holding back from for years.
So, he finally released her from his hug, and untied the drawstrings of the jogging pants with his right hand.
With his left, he guided her hand, slipping it into his pants.
He had to grit his teeth so as to not growl in pleasure at the first shy touch of her hand.
"Sheldon…", she croaked, as she caressed him softly. His eyes rolled back in his head. Boy, was it strange, having her touch him. Strange but… exciting and so, so enticing.
"So, what do you think?", he forced himself to say. "Is that enough of an effect for you?"
"I… uhm…", she rasped. "I think, uhm…"
"Yes?", he asked nervously.
Did she not like this? Had he been too forward?
But then she encircled him fully, which made him whimper, as she grinned at him mischievously.
"I think…", she whispered, raising her eyebrows at him. "I'm gonna need more dough."
He chuckled surprised and she giggled in response.
He had not expected this. But he loved the lightness of the moment.
Then he pulled her into his arms again, because it had been far too many seconds since they had been kissing.
A small part of him told him, he should not be enjoying this so much. He should be scared. Maybe bothered by all this unnecessary touching. And probably ashamed of himself. And confused too. Weren't they broken up? This was not what broken up people did to each other.
They did not kiss. They did not press their half naked bodies together. They did not allow the other to touch their genitals. And they certainly did not reach for the other's skirt, desperately to touch her too.
"Is this okay?", he murmured, as he hooked his finger into her pantyhose.
"I… I guess…", she whispered back as she shimmied out of her clothes.
Sheldon took a step back and took in her form.
There she was. Standing in front of him, dressed only in a pair of sensible cotton panties.
Oh, was she beautiful. He couldn't pull his gaze from her. Couldn't get enough of her.
And again, he was hit by something. Something big. A tsunami wiping off the last piece of doubt about this.
And an epiphany.
"Oh, Amy…", he grumbled. "God… I never knew… You are perfect. Absolutely perfect. And I am so sorry for not seeing it before."
"Sheldon…", she said, her cheeks turning into an even deeper shade of red than before, tears filling her eyes.
"I love you.", he blurted out, pulling her face to his again. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Sheldon.", she whispered. "I always loved you."
He released a shuddering breath.
How he loved hearing these words. How he had craved them for the past weeks.
He hugged her to his chest fiercely. Overcome with gratitude and a whole new kind of appreciation.
"Please, Amy.", he whispered into her ear. "I need you. I never knew how much I needed you. But I know now. And I promise… oh, I promise, I will do anything I can. I will be anything you need. I will give you everything you deserve. Just… never leave me again. I cannot take it. I cannot be without you ever again."
He hadn't noticed at first, but sometime during his speech, she froze in his arms. And then she started trembling. In a different way than before.
And then… she pulled away.
He had no idea what had gone wrong, but there were even more tears in her eyes now, and before his brain had processed what was happening, she had picked up her blouse, and pressed it to her body, as if trying to hide herself from him.
He did not understand.
"Amy…", he whispered, searching his eyes. "Why... what…"
"You don't have to do this, Sheldon.", she said, the first tears flowing down her cheeks. "You don't have to prove anything to me."
"But Amy, I…"
"I'm sorry.", she sobbed. "I'm so sorry. I think… you should go now."
"No, Amy, I don't understand…"
"This cannot be happening.", she said, shaking her head frantically. "I just… I'm sorry…"
"Amy, please.", he begged, trying to stop her from running past him. "I don't understand what's happening. Can we just… talk? Please?"
"That's what we should have done in the first place.", she cried, covering his hand with hers. "But… right now… I can't. I'm sorry, Sheldon for making you think that… for… everything. I just… need to process this and be by myself. Please understand."
Of course he tried to understand. And this time, when she tried to slip past him and towards her bedroom, he did not try to stop her. No matter how much it hurt him to see her leave.
His worst fear had come true.
Again, he had done – or said – something to ruin everything. And as so often, he had no idea what it was.
His head was spinning.
He needed an explanation. He needed to know.
But Amy wanted him to leave her alone and that meant he had to be patient.
Because not giving her space had made him lose her once. He would not make this mistake ever again.
He might have to go back to his prison cell for now, but this time, the door remained unlocked. And he hoped... no, he knew, he would not be in there for long.
He would wait. Patiently. He would calm down his throbbing body and try not to think about hers. Until she was ready to talk. And then, they would get to a place where they could hopefully continue what they had started.
Yes, he would wait. But he would wait here, on her couch.
Because there was no way he would leave this apartment anytime soon.
