Still very personal. Emotionally I'm drained and mentally barely hanging on.


Adam had been busy with work all week while Kim had been away. He was truly worried about her mental state at this point. He was happy she was at least eating, drinking and resting while she was away. And that she found a Pilates studio down the street from the hotel. He knew it would give her a distraction from her own thoughts. He was surprised when he saw her calling while he was working. Normally she just texted. "Hey darling. How are you holding up?" He knew it couldn't be good. "Hey baby. Just another torturous day. They are transferring him to a room on the cardiac floor now. Since he's made improvements. Albeit slight improvements. I feel like that aren't following his wishes you know. He asked me to shoot him again, in front of his son who acted like nothing was said. I don't know what to do." She was crying now just exhausted from all the emotions pent up inside. "Oh Kim. I'm sorry they are not listening and I'm sorry he's still suffering. That's got to be awful to watch." He knew this was killing her.

"Like I know it's a fine line between keeping him alive artificially and what they are doing but he's making it clear. Pulling the wires trying to disconnect them. Trying to unplug the things on his chest that monitor is heart rate. Removing the pulse oxygen monitor several times. The other day his son kept offering him food till he gave in and then threw it up. The son doesn't think what he's doing is wrong but Jim will just give in to appease his son. Even to his own detriment. They all already looking into skilled nursing and rehabilitation centers for him. I just feel like they can't see the reality. The first doctor said hospice care. But his personal cardiologist just keeps pushing. Saying he can get better and the numbers are improving slightly so it's proof. But at what cost. I feel like it's more humane to let him go but it's not my choice so I suffer watching these two idiots forcing him to stay alive. It's been a week and while yes he's more alert and his color is better he's still struggling. What the fuck." Kim sobbed all over again just needing to get it out.

"I hate to hear you crying and that I'm not there for you. What can I do?" Adam had no idea how to help her. "I don't even know. It feels hopeless. I told them I wasn't coming today. I need a break. Mentally I'm crashing I feel it. I think I'm just going to order door dash and lay in bed all day. It can't fix things or me but it's a break at least." Kim just sighed. "Darling I love that idea I really do. You need this break mentally. Maybe you should think about coming home. If it's costing you your mental health then maybe you need to come home for a bit. I know you can't make that decision now but just think about it." He heard her sigh but he knew she heard him. "It's definitely something to think about for sure. I just don't know how to make that decision. It seems impossible right now. Maybe some time outside in the sun would help. Though yesterday was the better day at 85 and today is 65. But it's still something." He heard loud and clear how conflicted she was about everything. "Okay how about this. Right now take a nap. You obviously could use a bit more sleep. Then find some restaurant on the water. There has to be a river close by. After that you can think more about it and decide from there." He was pretty sure that would work.

"Yeah I think that will work. I just feel so frustrated right now and need me time to decompress so you are right. I will do all those things. I guess you have to go?" She asked pouting a bit. "I do unfortunately but I'm here if you need anything. Remember I love you always." He needed her to know since she was in a low place. "I love you too always." She whispered bye as she hung up curling up to sleep again. Adam took a few minutes in the break room before he left heading back to his desk. "What happened?" Erin asked seeing his face. "Well he's still alive. The first doctor said Jim needed to go to hospice care. But Jim's cardiologist said they could try other meds to improve him to make him hang on longer. He doesn't want to eat and when he does he throws up. He's miserable and asked Kim to shoot him. She feels like they aren't doing what's in his best interest. She's taking a mental health day in which I asked her to take a nap, she's clearly exhausted. I asked her to find a waterfront restaurant to have lunch at. Then consider coming home. While I know she wants to support him but it's hurting her mentally and I can't allow that. She said she would think about it." He hung his head knowing either way she was going to suffer mentally. At least in Chicago she could be at the lake house.

"God that sounds awful. I can't imagine how she feels right now. But maybe coming home is the best option. Especially if they are forcing him to stay alive." Erin could only imagine how Kim felt. "She said she knows it's a fine line between honoring his wishes of not being on a ventilator, feeding tube and he has a DNR. And what they are doing. He's being trying to pull out his wires and disconnect the machine. It's got to be horrible to watch him like this." He sighed heavily for his broken hearted wife. "I think the only thing that's been helping her get through all this is the Pilates gym she found down the street. Though she finds it hilarious that it's in between a Starbucks and a Crumble cookie store." He laughed like they all did. "Well hopefully she comes home for a bit. She needs to be supported not used and it sounds like they are using her a bit. No one would encourage her to stay for 5 plus hours a day. And they should never leave Jim in her care alone. That's not fair to her and I know it's happened a few time's because I've heard you two talking about it with her. It's lovely she wants to help but it's not her job!" Al stated knowing how these things work with families doing what they think is best. And it's not always what's best for the loved one.

"Yeah they have always taken advantage of her. She spent so much money on taking care of him. Just providing the extra basics. Like who wouldn't buy a walker for their own father or better the diapers he needs since he doesn't always feel it when he goes. It's ridiculous. And I hope she comes home soon. This is just too much for her." Adam sighed but focused on the case at hand. Kim had woken up from her nap feeling more refreshed but certainly not better. She headed out to a Pilates class to try and clear her head a bit more. Working out was always her release from life. It was an hour long class before she grabbed an iced tea from Starbucks and then headed to the hotel to shower. It was a quick shower and then out to lunch. She found a place with a rooftop restaurant that over looked the river. She just needed fresh air and a quiet atmosphere. She was happy that it was in between lunch and dinner so it was fairly empty.

They got her a table close to the water view so she could just relax. She took her time eating a very slow lunch as it felt a bit freeing with no schedule to attend to or a person needing her assistance. She needed this break from the crazy and that thankfully was right now. After her lunch was finished she walked around the neighborhood a bit she just needed more fresh air. She was surprised how cute the town was. She hadn't spent much time here during the day or when festivals weren't happening. So she could freely see the area and just enjoy the small shops and art galleries. Eventually heading back to the car to drive back to her hotel room. It wasn't a long drive at all but she knew once she was alone again her mind would start to spin again. And that was good for no one.

Kim crashed in the bed as soon as she arrived. She was mentally exhausted. She knew she wanted to stay to support Jim. But she also knew she needed to take care of her. She wasn't really sure how to explain everything she was feeling and thinking. She was actually more exhausted from the spinning in her head. So she just needed to think logically not emotionally. And she wasn't sure that was possible. Her heart was too big for her own good which Adam reminded her of often. But she just loved with her whole heart and soul. She also needed to listen to her own words. She had told Nicole no one would blame her for not coming to the hospital and yet here she was feeling like she had to be there every minute of every day. But could she change after all she had put in already? Not change how she felt but change how she handled it? Change how much of her heart and soul she devotes to Jim and his care? Could she really leave? It was a lot to think about and take in. But she knew this couldn't stay the course or her own body would shut down again. And she never wanted to end up in the hospital again because she chose not to listen to Adam. So now she just needed to figure this all out. Thankfully Adam would never expect her to make that decision over night. He knew she would need time to think it through and search her soul.

Adam called her as soon as he left work. He was headed to the bar with the team but wanted to check in with her. "Hey my darling! How was your mental health day?" He was smiling happy that she answered the phone. "Hey baby. It was good. Still thinking about all of it. But I'm calmer than I was. The workout helped, lunch outside helped, the walk outside helped. I need you to know I am thinking about everything you said. I just need some time to figure out if I can leave and be okay with leaving. Not drown in regret. But I do know I need to take better care of myself again and that I need to do better mentally. So I promise to do better while I think about everything. I promise you." She tried to assure him. "Hey I get all of that. I knew you couldn't make this decision over night. And I know you are doing better than last time so I'm thrilled about that. But you can't make the decisions about Jim's care. And if you are not okay with how they are handling it then maybe it's best to step away. Might be better for your heart and soul. And maybe the day to day hospital visits is just too much for you. Just think about it." He asked almost begging.

"Definitely a possibility. But to be out here to not go every day seems like a waste of time." Kim shrugged as she spoke. "I understand that too. But you could come home for a few days and then fly back for a few day later again. That way you aren't there everyday watching the dread. And you could still go to London. And still heal at the lake." He heard her sigh. "Just think about it. No rush on the decision. Just rest and relax tonight. And then think about it again tomorrow. Okay?" He asked hoping she would think about it. "Sounds perfect. I think I'm going to door dash some snacks and curl up watching old law shows. You know I like to unwind watching those shows especially when I can't have you." She was smirking a bit. "Don't you dare mess with me right now. We can't do that over the phone with me driving so maybe later tonight we have a little phone sex." He laughed knowing she was messing with him.

"Well then go hang with your friends and call me later my love." She was cracking up. "Oh you know I will. Love you baby girl!" He teased. "Love you too Officer!" She laughed hanging up leaving him hanging. He headed into Mollys saying hello as he walked in. He grabbed a beer as he sat with his team. "Any updates?" Kevin asked as they all sat together. "Um she's thinking about it. About coming home. She needs to make sure that she can live with the decision she makes. I know it won't be easy for her no matter what decision she makes but she needs to make one. And she needs to figure out how to handle this better mentally if she chooses to stay. So that is part of all the decisions she needs to make. And thankfully she is really taking this all to heart. She doesn't want to backslide with any thing. So she's making the effort to think, to make changes and improve where she can." He took a sip of his beer placing it down sighing a bit.

"Sounds like she's handling it all better this time around. But it's also good she's thinking of coming home. I doubt she thought she would home this long." Jay stated knowing they all thought it would be a few days. "Well with the sons trying anything and everything to keep him alive it's been dragged out. And she can't ask the doctors or nurses anything since she's not family so she can't find out anything that they don't tell her. They keep telling her that his numbers have gone up slightly but how slight hasn't been stated. And last she heard they haven't done a second ECHO to see if the heart function has improved. It's bad and they just don't see it. Or don't want to see it. So she waits and worries." Adam explained with not giving a lot of information away.

"I get wanting to keep your loved one alive. But at some point you just have to realize it's not going to get better and to let them go. I would have love for my mom to be here longer but she was suffering so much. I think she was happy to be going knowing the pain would be over. But it was hard for all of us to understand that, to see that. But luckily she didn't have dementia so she could make the informed decision to stop treatment." Jay explained knowing most didn't know the details. "That's exactly how Kim feels about Jim. Like he's ready and wants it over. It would have been easier to watch him die than to watch him suffering like this. They all need closure. And they definitely aren't getting that. So we wait." Adam shrugged again. "I hope they come to their senses soon. Everyone in this situation deserves better than this. Hopefully when you get home you can relax some and not keep worrying about her. Because you definitely are. We can all see that and we completely get it." Kevin knew his buddy was struggling with worrying about Kim.

"Yeah I'm definitely worried about her. But also beyond proud. She's talking about her feelings. She resting, she's eating, she's staying hydrated, she working out. This was all things she neglected before so I'm really proud of her. She deserves praise for how well she's handled this. She really is doing amazing this time. I just want her to come home. Even for just a few days. She needs it, I need it. I need to get her back to the lake. And when I do the first night we are sleeping on the dock." He knew that would help immensely. "Did you buy an air mattress yet?" Jay wondered knowing she could spend all day there. "Oh yeah. The plan had been for her to nap down there comfortably. Which the couches are comfortable for her. I thought about taking her camping knew camping wasn't here thing but in the dock is close enough. We can still have all the outdoor sounds and a comfy mattress, with no bugs." Adam smiled thinking about the new adventures ahead for them.

"Sounds perfect. Camping isn't my thing either so I would be happy with that. And it's close enough ti the house if you need to potty so I would do that." Erin hated camping. It was horrid in her mind. "Yeah she loves being outside but roughing it isn't her thing. I think Holiday Inn is her idea of roughing it." They all laughed since they couldn't imagine her camping or sleeping on the ground. "Well I think I'm going to head out. Need to call Kim to check in again. She was super flirty on the phone earlier so I need to go flirt with the wife." He winked letting them all know the underlying intentions. The team laughed as he left the bar for the night. He texted her to let her know he was on his way home. Home while she was gone had been the condo which was closer to work but it felt empty without her. He called as soon as he entered the building.

"Hey baby girl!" He smirked picking up where they left off. "Well hello officer!" She giggled loudly. "So to be real I've never done phone sex before so not sure how this will work but let's try it." They never had a need to do this so but he was game. "Yeah I guess it's just like dirty talk, imagining it and touch ourselves. Probably not the most satisfying thing but it will release the urge till we are together again." Kim shrugged knowing she normally just played with herself alone. The couple played till they both got off. It wasn't the full rush they needed but it worked to fan the fire for a bit longer. "Maybe we use Skype next time?" He asked still breathing a bit heavy. "Is that safe?" Kim asked unsure. "I'm sure Mouse could help us get two very secure lines for that." He laughed but was kind of serious.

"Okay my darling. Go to sleep. You need it before you head back to the hospital tomorrow. I love you so damn much!" He could hear her breathing evening out. "Okay good night my love. I love you too! Thanks for my release." She made a kiss sound before hanging up. She was out quick after that. Adam smiled softly as he cleaned up and got ready for bed. He missed her horribly and hoped she would return soon. Till then he waited sleeping with her pillow wrapped in his arms tightly.