Set during 5.08 Changing Channels. All recognizable lines are taken from the episode.
79: Surviving the Idiot Box
Jane had never had the pleasure of meeting the Trickster before. She had heard about Sam's lovely day of Dean dying on repeat, but fortunately, she hadn't been there for it. She didn't think she would have handled seeing Dean dying in a hundred various ways all that well.
She remembered how her day had started quite vividly. They had had breakfast and then investigated a woman's claims that the Incredible Hulk had killed her husband. That was something you didn't forget easily. They had then picked up something on the scanner and gone to investigate what was either a false alarm or a trap.
Given their current predicament, a little of both. All they had done was walk through a damn door.
"What the hell?" She demanded, staring down at herself. She was wearing scrubs, pale pink scrubs… and were those Crocs? She felt herself up, feeling things in her pockets she couldn't identify, not a single one of them her gun, and there was a stethoscope around her neck. "What did you guys do?" She turned to Sam and Dean, her mouth opening and shutting a few times before she held her hand up to cover her mouth, trying not to smile.
"What the hell?" Dean echoed, failing to keep the confusion off his face as a string of people walked by, each saying 'doctor'.
"Doctor?" Sam echoed.
Dean turned and opened the door, intending on walking his butt right out of whatever this was, only to find that the door now led to broom closet and there were people in there. Making out. "The hell?"
Jane shook her head, sidestepping what appeared to be orderlies and stuck herself against his side. "I'm lost."
"Same." Sam was watching out of narrowed eyes as a brown haired woman approached him, narrowed eyes crossing when she slapped him. "Ow!"
"Seriously."
"What?"
"Seriously?"
"Seriously." Jane and Dean echoed, Jane confused, Dean somewhat amused.
"You're brilliant, and a coward. You're a brilliant coward."
It was obvious Sam had no idea what she was talking about and Jane could only watch. This was beyond surreal and when Sam got slapped again, Jane winced.
"That was Dr. Piccolo!"
She looked up at Dean and the concept of 'fan girl' flashed through her mind because he was practically jumping in place, an excited look on his features. "Dean?"
"Dr. Piccolo, the sexy yet earnest doctor at…"
Jane's eyes were narrowing.
"Seattle Mercy Hospital."
"You guys are getting better!"
Jane had missed out on the last go-round with the trickster, so this was her first time seeing him. Honestly, she never would have given this guy a second look if they had passed in the streets. He looked… like anybody else, minus the intensely amused, mischievous glint in his eyes.
"You guys are getting better!" He declared, puckering his lips and blowing a kiss her way. "And Dean, the wifey there, great choice, really. A nice piece with a side dish of psychic, just can't keep away from the supernatural thing, can you?"
Dean slapped a hand over the trickster's mouth. "Get us out of here."
"He can't talk with your hand there." Jane said flatly.
"She's the smart one. You boneheads should listen to her more often." The trickster suddenly had Dean pinned to the wall, face first and an arm twisted behind his back. "No wooden stakes for you, big guy."
"That was you, wasn't it?" Sam shook his head, amazed at how easy it had been to lure them here. "On the scanner?"
"Heard you two –pardon me, three- were in town and really, how could I resist?"
"How do we get out of this… what is this?" Jane looked around. Everyone was frozen, minus them. "Is this some kind of illusion?"
"It's my own little idiot box, and as for you getting out, well sweetcheeks, that's all up to your boys here." He patted Dean's head almost fondly.
"Look, we just wanted to talk to you. That's it."
"Sure, survive the next twenty-four hours and we'll talk."
"That is not AMA approved…"
"It worked. Hand me the scissors."
"It worked? It's floss, Sam."
"Hey, you guys, I can hear you."
"Shut up, Dean." Sam and Jane said simultaneously.
He shut up.
"Only you would get shot in a TV show… for no reason other than your big fat mouth." Jane tsked, taking the scissors back once Sam had finished with them, dropping them into the metal bowl on the cart beside her. "Wait, scratch that, that's your everyday life."
"I'm guessing crisis is over because you're riding my ass." Dean said flatly. "Everything look okay?"
"You'll be fine." Sam chuckled, looking up at the observation window and sighed. That crazy Dr. Piccolo was staring down at him and he managed a very weak smile when she actually mouthed 'I love you'. "We have got to get out of here."
She was in her personal version of Hell, complete with the tiny little outfit. Jane could understand everything perfectly, what the host of the show was asking Sam, but apparently he couldn't. She had noted that everyone but them was Japanese, and the name of the show was Nutcracker, not promising. Not pleasing was the little red mini skirt with the slits up the thighs, stomach baring halter top, and thigh high boots she was wearing. She wanted to have a spaz attack but instead, found herself smiling broadly, half expecting her eyes to go anime style any second.
"Ruby!"
Poor Sam, he looked so lost, and she clapped her hands over her mouth, horrified to hear a giggle coming from her lips. Inwardly, she shrieked in sympathy pain when the reason why the show was called Nutcracker became apparent. Sam had just been nailed between the legs.
"Sam?" Dean called, twisting his body.
Jane's smile widened as a bag of chips was shoved in her hand, the host coming over to her. She began rattling off a monologue about delicious shrimp chips, realizing she was speaking Japanese.
"Jane?! What the hell?" Dean had twisted to look back at her, his hazel eyes wide as he took in her appearance.
She finished her script, looking at him helplessly. This was not her and he knew it, she would never wear something like this outside of their bedroom, ever. She felt a tingle run through her when the lights on the door began flashing and Castiel walked through. They were saved!
"Cas?"
Sam was finally able to talk without wheezing, though his tone was still strained. "Is this another trick?"
"It's me." Castiel said gravely, surveying them. "Uh… what are you doing here?"
"Us? What about you?"
"I've been looking for you, you've been missing for days." His gaze shifted to Jane and he cleared his throat, looking away. "That is a very… curious outfit, Jane Winchester."
"Bite me." She growled.
He tilted his head to the side. "I did not know you spoke Japanese."
She facepalmmed herself.
"Jane?"
"What Sam?"
"That's… really uncomfortable."
"You're a car… how…" Jane stopped, realizing what she was doing. She had her hands in the trunk of what used to be the Impala and was now Sam. "Oh wow…" She cleared her throat, retracting said hands. "I didn't even wine and dine you first."
"Get out of my ass, Jane."
She slammed the trunk shut.
"Ow. Dean, your wife is-"
"I played in his trunk."
Dean looked slightly amused, wrapping an arm around Jane and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Bet that was a new experience, eh Sammy?"
"I hate you both."
"Think this will work?" She asked quietly.
"Nope, but I'm out of ideas." He squeezed her gently. "Say it."
"I like big trunks and I cannot lie?" She was a regular comedian today. Granted, them being trapped in what was a maybe angel's TV world was not an overly pleasant experience –the herpes commercial had been overkill- some parts were… amusing.
"Dean, move," Sam ordered, revving his engine. "I'm going to run her over."
"All right kids, enough. Time to work. Jane, sweetheart, say it."
"I love you." She kissed his chin after rolling her eyes, unable to keep the smile off her face. "Now get us the hell out of here."
"The Bible really does not tell it straight…" Jane sighed, bookmarking her place before setting the Bible she had picked up some time ago on the stand. They were back in the real world and with a lot more food for thought than usual. "I wonder if it really even matters anymore, nothing makes sense."
Dean had been lying in the bed beside her, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about what Gabriel had said. "What do you mean?"
"Everything in it, about the angels, about Heaven and Hell, a lot of it doesn't really match up to what we know. It feels overly… cheerful, all things considered. I mean, did Jesus really exist?"
Dean rolled onto his side, propping his elbow up and rested his head in the palm of his hand, staring at her. "Sweetheart?"
"It talks about Armageddon, but… it's not how it actually is meant to happen, is it? Why didn't they just say it? Two brothers are being pit against each other because celestial beings are major douchebags?! Hell, the Bible was written long after God took off, so it's probably nothing but a grand fairytale anyway."
She was having a crisis of faith and he had no idea what to say to her to make it right. Hell, if anything, he'd probably make it worse. If she knew what he did, if she knew the truth about herself, well… Dean didn't want to see what that would do to her. Since he didn't have the words, he just reached out and pulled her down against him, feeling her burying her face against his chest. He simply stroked her back, her hair, everything he could reach, until he could feel the tension draining from her.
He had seen the future and he'd be damned if he let that happen, to any of them and there was no way he was playing ball just because God's children were a bunch of supercharged jackasses. This had all been predetermined? Really? Maybe that's how they saw it, but he was going to venture out on a limb and assume that God's grand plans didn't swing that way because not a single one of those angels had known about Jane. He held her a little more tightly, trying not to imagine the 'what if's' if the angels, or demons, found out about her. He had considered confiding to Castiel but… it had taken him a bit to reconcile this Castiel with never-going-to-be future Castiel who had been sleeping with his wife. He'd just keep it to himself a bit longer, see how things played out.
There were a lot of things he was waiting to see play out.
