PART IV : Seeds of Doubt
"I in doubt remain,
With Yes and No contending in my head.
I could not hear what speech he did maintain,
But no long time conferred he in that place"
Canto VIII, Inferno by Dante
- Translated by James Romanes Sibbald
Chapter 56: Fools' Paradise
It's still warm here in Five, fall's not here yet. Thought I'd drop you a line or two because I heard it's getting colder in the Capitol. How's that treating you?
I hope you're doing okay, not that you'd care enough to tell me. Sorry, if I sound a little bitter but I don't know, I can't help but wonder if you're ignoring me. I know we haven't been the same since ma died and I wasn't the kindest to you as I should've been but come on, how long are you going to keep pretending like I don't exist?
Do you know how many letters I've sent just this month alone?
Ten! I've sent about ten letters this month alone. You never replied to one. I don't know what you're doing over there but I know you're not that busy that you can't even pick up a pen and write back. I know you've been writing back to Lissa and Miel, why can't you write back to me?
Even then your reply to Miel and Lissa was a single letter for both of them even though they sent you three different letters and all you said to them was to stop sending you letters.
What is wrong with you? I don't understand what's going on with you. I want to know what's going on. I miss you. I miss how everyone used to be. It's nice being around Lissa's kids but it's not the same because I keep wondering what you're up to and why you just never write back.
Are you still mad about how I reacted to Ma's death? I get it if you are, just let me know.
By the way, are you planning to extend your stay in the Capitol again like last year? It feels like you're avoiding us. I hope that's not the case. It'd be nice to catch up, you know? And make sure to take your medicine on time.
I miss you and please write back.
Lennox Fairburn
Nox's letter stared back at Sera. In the background, wealthy capitolites celebrating the starcrossed victors could be heard from her television mixed in with the light orchestral tunes from the radio and the sudden downpour that had started the minute the sun had set, bringing in the first chill of autumn with it.
At least it wasn't quiet. She hated silence.
Her hands were shaking as she leaned over the florist bench in her apartment, hunched over the pile of flowers, greenery, ribbons and wrappings that she'd picked for the bouquets of the joint victors. But her attention wasn't on any of them at all.
Her eyes were fixated on Nox's letter, scanning each of the curves and lines drawn in black ink by her younger cousin.
Ten letters. He sent her ten letters.
She breathed in and out, trying to even out her breathing and spared another glance at the clock on the wall. The anthem of the Capitol played as Caesar began his recap show and she felt sick again.
Bile rose in the back of her throat and she shakily reached for the glass of water she'd put aside on the kitchen island. With one motion, she drained it and stood back. Again, her eyes were drawn to Nox's letter. The words jumped out, ambushing her.
Ten letters.
In an attempt to distract herself, she pushed herself to work and finish the bouquets. With a violent pull, Sera stripped the leaves of yellow lily buds, disposing them into a bin underneath the florist bench.
Ten letters.
Quick snips to the ends of the stem, she put the buds to the side. She eyed the front door and the empty bucket that she'd used to clean vomit-soaked towels earlier. She was doing everything to not look at the letter.
Ten letters.
Standing back, she stared at the leaves and blossoms spread out across the bench alongside the delicate pale gold chiffon wrapping and a spool of golden ribbon, both provided by President Snow's assistant.
Ten letters.
She slammed the florist shears onto the table and stood back. Ten letters and the letter in front of her was the only letter she'd gotten from Nox. She knew about the letters from Lissa and Miel. Both of their letters were sent in the early weeks of the games, right around the prep time for the tributes and she'd explicitly told them not to send anymore letters when the game began. Obviously they kept that promise.
But ten letters from Nox were gone. She had no idea where they went or if they were even sent to her.
"How is your family lately?" President Snow's voice echoed in her head and she reached for the letter, her gloved fingers crumpling it. He could've been at least more discreet with his threats.
When the sick feeling had faded, all she was left with was rage and despair. She was at a crossroads. She could keep going forward the path she was laying out or she could take another or she could stop and go back to being a watcher.
But she couldn't take the last two options. It wasn't right. She was too far along to stop or take another path.
The door opened and she paused for a split second, unconsciously reaching for the florist scissors. "Sera?" She let out a soft sigh of relief and started to organize the stems of flowers instead. "You in here?" Finnick called out.
"Living room." Sera answered calmly. "I thought the meeting would only run till lunch."
Finnick didn't smile like usual or say anything for a moment. He just watched Sera work on the bouquets with silent concentration. He focused on the way her face scrunched up, her eyes narrowed and brightened as she rearranged each of the flowers and leaves, snipping off a few leaves here and there before putting them into her own order.
To Finnick, Sera was smiling yet he knew something was off. Her eyes, though brighter, were almost hazy. Her face was flushed and pale.
He collapsed on the sofa behind the bench and turned around to look at her, propping his head on the spine of the sofa. "Please tell me you didn't skip lunch again?" He asked, breaking the comfortable silence between the two.
She looked up and smiled before pointing to the kitchen that could be seen through the partition. A pile of dishes sat in the sink still yet to be cleaned. "I knew you were going to say that so I actually cooked and had lunch."
"And it's not because you forgot to take one of your medicines again so you rushed to take it."
She rolled her eyes, hoping he couldn't tell that the first thing she'd done after coming back from a meeting with the President was throw up and empty her insides. Maybe she should've put some makeup on.
"That's on Snow. He decided to call me into a meeting at four in the morning."
"He made you watch the finale in his office?" He sat up, surprised.
"Unfortunately." She paused and put down the small cluster of primroses. "Although he did throw a tantrum when he realized that Katniss might win, told me to get out and go to the Observation Room even though my tribute was already gone by then and everything because I just told him a few words."
Even though he was concerned, he couldn't help but let out a muffled laugh as he covered his face against the back of the sofa. "He threw a tantrum?"
"More or less."
"I'd pay to see that."
"Trust me you don't." She could still remember the silent cold rage that erupted without warning and the teacup she was thankful that he'd shattered. "He threw a teacup at the wall and then tried to make me clean it up and then he calmed down, acted like nothing happened."
He flinched, silently asking if she was okay. She smiled reassuringly and carried on with her task as he commented. "He really lost it."
"The minute it was clear that Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark would both win, he lost it. Personally I think he was more upset about Katniss. I don't know why but it felt personal to me."
He laughed again, his laughter entwining with the symphonic music. "He couldn't have been that surprised that she'd win. She was the most promising tribute this year outside of the career pool and even the careers weren't all that."
"She was good though. Archery is a good skill."
"It is. Nobody expected it from her."
"But she is from District 12." Sera pointed out. "I understand Snow. The odds have always been stacked against them."
"Twelve only has one victor."
"Two, I think?"
"Yeah, but nobody remembers that one. It must've been something." Finnick got up and separated the partition even more. He placed a package on the kitchen counter that Sera didn't even know he had before.
"Twelve's an underdog in these games and she's liked by the capitolites and the people from the district. Everyone loves an underdog." She said with a sad smile, knowing all too well how much the Capitolites loved an unlikely victor. But Katniss was far from unlikely. Even without her and Plutarch, she'd get out.
To Sera, Peeta was the real underdog. Winning without bloodshed was no easy feat.
"And you know that too well." Finnick teased.
"They also love a pretty face."
"True or neither of us would be here." He grinned and she rolled her eyes. He took out a few boxes of food. "I brought dinner and I'm starving since I didn't eat lunch so can you please take a break and come sit down with me?"
Sera paused. She placed Katniss' half-done bouquet on the table. "You didn't have lunch?" He shook his head without looking up, far too busy plating the food to notice her shift in expression. "How long was your meeting?"
"An hour or two." He answered nonchalantly but there was a slight crack in his voice. "I got mushroom and apple beef bake. I made sure the beef was well done and there's even dessert on the side with mango pudding…" He trailed off. "You still have that secret wine stash right?"
"Yeah. No one's gonna drink it anyway apart from you and Zephyr." He grinned and put on the kettle to boil some water before grabbing a bottle of unopened white wine from her stash that was partly the fault of Zephyr.
"By the way, I'm making you some tea, is that okay?"
"Lavender or chamomile would be nice." But again, it was like he was avoiding something. "Snow made you all wait?"
He nodded, uncorked the wine and poured himself a glass. "Not the first time he's done something like that." He answered and tried not to squirm under her steely gaze, moving quickly to finish making her tea. "I'm picking lavender." He left his glass of wine and the wine bottle on the table. "You know why don't we eat and then we can talk about our day?"
She stared at him, the crumpled letter on the bench weighed heavy on her mind and Finnick's actions weren't exactly the most comforting. His movements were jittery, slow and tense yet at the same time there was a touch of contentness and relief.
Setting down her gloves on the bench, she washed her hands and took a seat across Finnick. He tried to keep a smile on his face as he picked at his food, almost distracted by what was weighing down on his mind.
"So…" Sera took a sip of water from her refilled glass and took a bite. "How did the meeting go?"
Like she'd asked something she shouldn't have, Finnick paled. "Same old." He answered. "How was yours?"
"I told you about it already or were you not paying attention?"
He blinked and nodded. "Right. I was listening. I was just…"
"Distracted?"
"Something like that." He said, taking a bite of his dinner.
The sky rumbled and he hummed under his breath a familiar tune, a lullaby he'd sometimes hum whenever the two were alone. She'd heard Jenny hum that same tune once in the arena during their first week in the games. He told her once back when they were just friends, it was a familiar and popular lullaby from Four.
She didn't interrupt him and focused on their quiet dinner, dropping the matter. She could just ask Cashmere for the details later and she—
"Have you even thought about what you want to do after all this?" He questioned, breaking her line of thoughts.
"After all of what?"
"This." He tilted his head to the side and poked at the piece of beef on his table. "The whole job as President Snow's eyes and ears and occasional poisoner." She flinched. "And the rebellion of course—if it's successful."
She blinked innocently and he smiled sadly. "N-no." Her voice was strained and she took another sip of water. "No, I haven't ever really thought about it."
"You didn't think you'd need to, did you?"
He read her like she was an open book and she rolled her eyes. He was right. She never saw that far ahead. "I only plan for the future I know I can get to."
"Why? Because you think you won't make it to a ripe old age?" He joked with a slight bitterness to his voice.
"You know the answer to that."
"Then why don't you take that surgery everyone keeps telling you about."
"It's not that simple." She'd be in debt to Snow. She'd rather he kill her.
"Nothing's ever simple for you." He mumbled and she felt a stabbing pain in her chest. "But think about it."
"Is everything okay?"
"It's fine. I was just thinking—" Another rumble in the sky and he was distracted before he carried on. "Can you pretend to plan out the distant future, at least once?"
"My imaginations' not that good." She lied smoothly but looking at his face with his small grin and raised brow told her that he didn't believe her. "Okay, fine. I can pretend."
His grin turned to a smile as he pushed his chair closer to the table. "Now," He began. "Close your eyes and tell me what you picture yourself as…maybe working in a flower shop."
Obediently and almost resignedly, she did as he instructed but broke her concentration to giggle at his words. "I don't think I want to be a florist anytime in the near future." She admitted much to Finnick's surprise. "I probably want to be a gardener instead or maybe try my hand at painting or anything really."
"What's wrong with being a florist? You're good at it."
"I need a break. A long break." It was taking a toll on her to send messages that only a few would understand. A dying language that only few would ever learn of and the countless lies she'd told to keep it as such. It was all taking a toll on her. Maybe a five or ten year break would be nice.
"Oh." His soft gasp meant he understood exactly what she meant and she didn't want to open her eyes to see the heartbreak in his eyes.
"Can I open my eyes now?" She whined, trying to lighten the mood.
"No!" Finnick said, louder than what he intended and giggling in response. "What about a healer? You work in the clinic and the hospital? I heard your aunt's shop even doubles as an apothecary."
After everything she'd done, she was not cut out to save lives. "You're funny, Fin. Very funny."
"I'm being serious. You've made your own poisons and antidotes, maybe you can do the same to make medicine."
"No." Her rejection was firm and direct. "What about you?" She opened her eyes, balancing her head on her hand. "What do you want to do when all of this is over?"
"Good question." He said after a minute and took a huge swing of his drink, refilling it when it was empty. "I don't know, maybe pick up my family business. Build boats, make nets and go fishing—the usual life at District 4 or I could surprise myself and try to make and sell those salted caramel candies you loved so much."
"Sounds nice." She could picture it already, his hair in the wind as the harsh but comforting rays of sun beat down on him. He'd probably be much happier in the sea than the Capitol or anywhere.
"Four? Or my dream?"
"Both."
"What about Five?"
"Oh. I don't hate Five. I just think Four's different."
"Would you…like to live in Four? Maybe somewhere close to the beach but also close to Five?" He asked slowly and Sera smiled.
"What are you up to?"
"Nothing." He answered immediately, expecting that question. "I'm just asking a simple question."
"And my simple answer would be: it would be really nice."
"Really?" Sera nodded.
Finnick sucked in a deep shaky breath and looked away from her, focusing on his plate. Sera, across the table, took careful bites and watched him, curious about the conflicting expression that seemed to have settled on his face.
"You ever thought about having a family, Sera?" Finnick asked casually, as if the question had just crossed his mind.
Sera raised an eyebrow, a smile playing at the corner of her lips. "A family?" She laughed uncomfortably. "I have one."
"No, I meant starting your own family." His gaze fixed on his plate rather than meeting her eyes directly.
"Oh." She swallowed uncomfortably and looked away. "I just…never thought about it." She admitted. "I didn't really think I'd make it to sixteen let alone twenty-two."
"But now?"
"I still haven't thought about it."
"But if you had to…" He looked up, his gaze almost pleading. "Would you?"
Blinking helplessly, she reached for her glass of water and took a sip to dry her parched throat. The cool water felt warm and almost like wet sand. "I…don't know." She answered slowly. "I already have my brother and sister. There's my cousin, also Huxley along with my niece and nephew. I just…never considered adding more—" She'd have more things to lose.
Finnick placed his hand over hers. "It was just a question, don't overthink it." But secretly he was hoping that the thought of it would at least cross her mind.
"...But do you want one?" Her words were slow and her gaze didn't meet his. "I'm just asking…it's not a serious ques—"
"Yes." He said without missing a beat. "I have. Not before but now, I just…I've been thinking about it…about what I—we could do after everything is over."
She paused. She never thought about the aftermath. Once or twice, she'd picture herself back in Five without Snow breathing down her neck. She just didn't know what she'd do. It was funny how she had such a clear view of her family's future and even Panem's future but she'd never ever thought about her own future.
"Honestly, I can't really picture it." She tried to lighten her tone and put a smile on her face. "But I admit when Talissa—my sister—"
"I remember her; she didn't like me much."
"She was just being cautious, she's like that with people she doesn't know and she didn't know you, remember?"
"She looked more annoyed. I think she didn't like me, probably thinks I'm annoying. You think my reputation reached that far?"
"No," It had. Finnick was kind of known for being a heartthrob and more throughout the whole of Panem. A little harmless lie wasn't going to hurt. "She just doesn't know you."
He rolled his eyes but a playful smile danced on his lips, lifting the heavy tension off her shoulders. He knew she was lying. "But your brother liked me and he didn't know me either."
She shook her head and he motioned her to carry on.
"I did think about what it would be like…you know, to settle down and get married. It was just for a minute."
His eyes lit up and dropped his fork and knife, clasping his hands together. He rested his head on them and stared at her brightly. "So you have thought about it?"
"Once and then never again."
"Why not?"
Sera laughed. "Because who'd marry me? I'm sick. I lie and hide too much. I don't think anyone would want to marry me."
He smiled, looking down at his near-empty wine glass and said. "I would."
And Sera's heart skipped a beat.
'He probably didn't mean it.'
She turned away, pretending she didn't hear him. She gathered their empty plates, her empty glass of water and his wine glass, standing up to wash them in the sink. Neither said a word as she busied herself in washing the plates.
"And you're going to act like I didn't just propose to you."
"Because you're teasing me." She said.
"And if I'm not?"
"And if you are?" She countered.
"And if I'm not." He repeated, fully serious. She didn't even notice he'd gotten up from his seat until she felt his arms wrap around her waist. "I meant what I said. I'd marry you. I probably should get a ring though at first." He carried on casually, resting his head on her shoulder as she stilled.
She froze.
Seconds ticked by and she just stood there. Her hands grew colder under the running water until they went numb, only then did she turn the tap off and turn her head to look at him. He was joking. He had to be.
His wide sea-green eyes met her gray ones, blinking as he copied her. She let out a laugh and untangled herself from him. "Very funny, Fin. You almost got me." She turned away from him, busying herself with drying the plates, cutlery and glasses.
"I'm not joking."
"You don't mean it."
"And if I do?"
"What's going on, Fin?" She went up to him and cupped his face into hers.
"Nothing." He turned away from her, his attention now on Nox's letter. "Your family wrote…to you."
"Fin—"
"I thought you told them to not write to you for the time being."
She didn't say anything, standing still and just watching him. He fidgeted around, pulling at his sleeve and he kept checking on her, studying her.
She just let him continue, wondering if she should circle back to pushing him for an answer. The question of their uncertain future was new and she never expected it. Finnick and her had talked about the past many times but never the future.
The future was something that was just never on the table for her. Marriage and family was a whole different story.
She'd only pictured herself as a wife once. When Lissa had married, she and her brother joked about their own marriages with Miel stating, "I'd probably marry to continue the family name." And that too was in a playful tone. He didn't mean it.
"If I ever wanted to rile Lissa up, I'd marry someone that annoys her." She'd replied and that was it. That was the most she'd talked about marriage and the closest she'd thought about a distant future.
And being a mother was something she just couldn't imagine.
Sure, she was a patron of an orphanage but only because Plutarch needed someone on his in-charge of the place; it was between her or someone like Scarus or some other Snow fanatic.
Those children had the lesser evil in her as the de-facto head and she pitied them because as much she cared for them, she didn't go out of her way to give them what they needed. All she did was shield them as much as she could with her name from being sold. That wasn't enough. They deserved more.
"Apparently, he sent you ten letters?" He said, skimming through Nox's letter. Sera didn't mind him reading her letters. "You should write him back for those letters and this one. Maybe after dessert and we could—"
She swallowed, folding her fists and resisting the urge to dig her nails into her palms. "This is the first letter I got from Nox actually." She said with some difficulty.
"No," He pointed to the letter. "It says here he sent you ten…" He trailed off. His eyes slowly expanded and his heart dropped. "Oh."
"Yeah…"
"My letters…are being monitored."
Color drained from his face fast. "B-but he never—Snow used to trust you."
"...And now he might not." Sera answered quietly, folding her fists but not digging her nails in. Finnick wouldn't let her hurt herself in front of him anyways. "It's not that important. I expected it. I just didn't expect him to mention them to me when Katniss and Peeta won. He thinks I stepped over the boundary—I did. I expected this. I just…" She swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked away her tears. "I wish Nox actually listened, you know but he's always been so damn stubborn over everything. He just had to continue sending letters. So damn stubborn—"
"Kinda like someone else I know." Finnick mumbled quietly with a sad smile. Nox and her were more alike than she'd ever admit. Sera responded by playfully punching him as she again tried not to cry. "You know it's not his fault."
"I know but it's just so frustrating."
He nodded and exhaled painfully, taking her hands into his, caressing them. "President Snow…" He struggled to get out his words and took her over to the couch. He sat her down, taking a seat himself in front of her on the floor. "He pushed back our meeting by two hours. He called Gamemaker Heavensbee—Plutarch instead. I don't know what they talked about but I just know whatever it was, has something to do with the fact that Snow promised to set me—us free starting next year. My last ever client is scheduled for January and after that…I-I'm free."
She took in his words. "That's a good thing." Her eyes lit up in happiness, dimming when they noticed his solemn face. "That is a good thing? Right?" She tried, cupping his face again and he leaned into her touch, not smiling at all.
He looked…scared and so much younger than he was. A flicker and she could see him as the boy who'd won the 65th Games, not the man who was in front of her.
"You're not happy about it..."
"I should be, shouldn't I?" He questioned, a myriad of emotions flashing through his eyes. "I don't know…it seems too good to be true or maybe I'm overthinking it."
"Snow's never gone back on his word."
"But he does twist his own words."
For the first time since the two had met, Sera was the one trying so hard to be optimistic while Finnick was despondent and pessimistic about the whole thing. Usually It was the other way around. It was so unnatural that momentarily, she felt like a stranger had taken over her.
'But this was Finnick…'
"He does." She said slowly. "But how would he take this back?"
Finnick didn't answer her. He laid his head down on her lap, basking in the comfort of her warmth in silence as Sera turned the television off. The radio carried on playing a quiet symphony while rain pelted her curtained windows.
Maybe it was the wine or maybe it was the heat or maybe it was his oncoming wave of tears but Finnick's face had flushed into a pale coral. Sera let the silence grow, letting him take his time but she was afraid. Her heart was beating erratically, too slow for comfort.
She ran her fingers through his curls, he leaned into her touch and looked up. "What if…what if he's planning to get rid of us?"
Her eyes narrowed. That was the most ridiculous thing she'd heard. President Snow needed them. They were his proof of his 'successful' rule. A proof that the Hunger Games as a punishment was actually a reward to some but also a hell of his creation to the rest of them.
Sure, he could get rid of one or two. Ultimately, he needed them. There was a reason why he kept her by his side.
But she needed to pick the right words to convey her thoughts to him. Her face scrunched into a deep thought and he traced her lines with a fond smile. "You're thinking too hard again."
"I just…don't think he'd get rid—kill so many victors in one go. It's not a good look especially if he's trying to quell potential rebellions or riots like what happened in Eleven."
"You think so?" He was hopeful.
"I mean it would be incredibly foolish to try to or even go through with killing the victors." She pointed out.
President Snow was smart, he'd know this was a bad idea. Sure, she had killed one or two of her fellow colleagues on his orders but it was nothing of alarm and they were getting too loud anyway. President Snow wasn't stupid to order the death of a whole bunch in one go. It was too obvious.
"Capitolites worship or admire us and the districts pity us. Most of all, everyone around Panem knows us. I can't imagine a decision like that would ever be popular." She finished.
"But what if he ordered it? I know it's not the first time."
She paused. He knew. He looked up at her. She looked back in fear that he'd hate her. But his stare was blank, devoid of all and any accusations. He didn't know. "Is this about Laelia and Mercury?" She asked quietly.
"It was you, wasn't it?" She nodded twice, hesitating whether or not to tell him everything. "No more secrets, remember?"
With a sigh, her words spilled out of her. "Mercury was digging too deeply into Beetee and he was going to blow his cover. I gave him a warning and crippled him but apparently it wasn't enough. It's a good thing he didn't have anyone. I'm not proud of it but Beetee's too important."
"And Laelia?"
"Snow ordered me."
He bowed his head, his head heavy. "Would…Snow order you to kill me or the rest of us?"
"No." She didn't even need to think about it. "He's not stupid." She repeated. "It'll create a pattern that even the stupidest child could pick out and easily point to him. His illusion of the victors would shatter. He doesn't want that. He needs us. He needs the Hunger Games. If he took more victors than two out or all of us out, it'll start questions. He doesn't want questions. He doesn't want people to question how valid the games are. By killing us, he'd basically tell Panem that it's all pointless. The games would lose their value."
"No one would tune in for the games then."
"And he needs them hooked on the games."
"He helped create this. It's his as much as it was the first Gamemakers' games." She tried to justify.
He smiled and reached out for her again. "Look at you trying to reassure me when you don't believe what you're saying. I don't trust Snow not to kill me and it's okay. I always knew I wouldn't live long either." He confessed.
"N-o." Her choked out voice was silenced with a kiss from Finnick as he threaded his fingers into her hair, pulling her close.
"It's okay." He said, backing away and tracing his thumb over her lips. "You don't have to go out your way to lie to me."
"But it is stupid!" She cried out.
"I don't know." He kissed her forehead and sat next to her. She snuggled closer to him, her head on his chest. "You said Snow's being erratic."
"Maybe Katniss and Peeta winning broke something in him?"
"Maybe it did." She could still picture his split second rage as he threw that empty china cup at the wall. "But it's more on Katniss—just her name was getting to him. I don't get it."
"Plutarch might know. He was called in and interestingly enough," He placed her on his lap. "Snow decided to be oh so generous to us after Plutarch left—have you talked to him recently?" She shook her head. "Thought so. I think the rebellion's going to start moving next year."
"How do you know that?"
"A guess."
"A guess?" She echoed. "You know that's not—"
"I caught a few things when Plutarch was leaving." He said, shifting closer to her. "I think—I might be wrong—I heard Plutarch thank Snow for returning his post. He might be the Head Gamemaker again."
That meant Seneca Crane was out of the picture.
"You're sure you heard that?" He nodded.
"I don't know what he's up to but I know he's already got a plan."
"And he won't hesitate to kickstart once he's back."
"So we don't have much time."
"No, we don't."
It made sense. Plutarch's last message was for her to get ready for the Quarter Quell along with the time and place for their next meeting.
That wasn't what was on her mind at that moment as Finnick's fingers threaded through her hair, almost braiding it.
"Is…that why you were asking me about the future, marriage and kids?"
"Was it wrong for me to ask?"
"No. I just…"
"Never thought about it." He finished for her. She didn't need to look at him to know his smile was sad and his eyes downcast. "I get it. I came on too strong. I just didn't want to die without any regrets."
"You're not going to die."
"Remember that actress I told you about—the one who had a ledge with a record of all the clients she served while being…prostituted."
"Calliope?"
"Calliope Glassheart."
"You found her."
"She's dead." He said simply. "But before she died, she was set free and let go. I managed to track her down in Alea before she died and managed to get her ledger before that but by the time I…I tried to find her again…she was gone. They killed her. They're not going to let me or anyone in the ring go that easily without shutting us up."
Cashmere…
She would go down with this too. She probably didn't even know.
"But that…you're not going to die."
"You don't know that." She looked away but he turned her back to look at him. "I'm not upset…I'm—I expected this. I always knew I was disposable. I used to wish I was dead before, remember?"
"I know those Peacekeepers were sick of you trying to piss them off."
"And they never went for my face." He said. "You used to think I was pathetic."
She couldn't deny that. She didn't understand him when they were younger. He was so confusing to her but one day, it was like everything clicked into place and she couldn't help but drag him in from the storm instead of sheltering only herself from it. She used to call herself an idiot for it.
"You were pretty pathetic." He laughed. "Were you actually thinking about dying? Or were you thinking about what you'll do after the rebellion?"
"Both actually." He answered without hesitating. "But I got ahead of myself."
"No. I…didn't say no." She said softly. "I'd say yes, actually. I just didn't think you were being serious."
He froze.
Finnick didn't move. She could hear his heartbeat and his quick breathing. He pulled her back and tilted her head back gently. His eyes narrowed on her, studying her.
"Finnick?" She called out to him, touching his chin.
He was frozen.
He didn't expect her to say 'yes'. He expected her to avoid the topic completely and carry on like normal. But her answer had taken him off his guard. He didn't expect it and he watched as her coral lips curled into a slow grin before she giggled, pushing his chin up and turning away.
The tension lifted ever so slightly as he let himself melt while holding onto her. His grip tightened and he said. "Thank you."
"Two kids." Was what she said in response. "I can already predict what you're going to say."
"No, you can't." He laughed.
"Uh-huh." She rolled her eyes. "I know you want a big family. You said it once."
"And you remembered?"
He grinned ear to ear with happiness and she rolled her eyes again, elbowing his stomach but he grabbed her elbow. He leaned down to peck her lips.
"I have a good memory." She said when he pulled back. "Three is the most I could do but two is good for me."
"I'm just happy you said yes."
She smiled and tried not to let the slithering shadows in the corner of eyes bother her. Please. She begged her mind to let her rest for one night. Just one night. That was all she wanted.
"Actually—"
Maybe in the morning, Sera had thought. She wanted to forget just for the night, snuggling into his arms. He wrapped his arms around her tight and kissed her forehead again. They stared at the curtained windows in silence listening to the rain and the quiet symphony in comfortable silence.
"Tomorrow." Sera cut him off. "We're both exhausted. We'll talk about that later, okay? Not now." She didn't want to ruin the moment like she always did.
"Okay." He murmured softly and watched her eyes close in his embrace.
He watched her fall asleep in his arms and kept an eye on her slow breathing.
For a second, a split second, her breathing stopped and he stilled. His own heart sped up. He almost jumped up to wake her but like it was a nightmare that had just ended, she started to breathe again as he let out a sigh of relief, cradling her closer.
Plant Dictionary:
Yellow Lily - Falsehood, Celebration and Excitement
Primrose - Youth, Kindness and New Love
