Quote: "I know the others will tell you you can't go back to Moiraine. But I'm proof that you can. If you want to." (Maksim)


to Lynn Sedai: I worried for Moiraine when she went to the sanitarium to see Logain. I wished she would have had Lan by her side. It couldn't have been easy to be there. After this story, there will be ten more stories - all written and waiting for me to finish revising so I can upload them. Some of them have multiple chapters, so there will be many Moiraine & Lan moments coming from me. Have I mentioned my brain went crazy with Season 2? My head was filled with so many ideas for Season 2... I just couldn't stop. Thank you for reading and your review.


After his conversation with Maksim, Lan thinks about what he wants. Does he want to be reunited with Moiraine, or does he want to find his own path?


Lan stared at the buckets full of water without actually seeing them. He didn't know for how long he sat on the edge of the well since Maksim had left him.

I know the others will tell you you can't go back to Moiraine. But I'm proof that you can. If you want to.

His friend's words echoed in Lan's ears, and he couldn't stop wondering what he wanted. Did he want to return to Moiraine? Their bond was broken. He could no longer feel her. Her thoughts were a mystery to him, and she didn't include him in her plans any longer.

I'm still your Warder.

No, you failed me.

Moiraine knew that he had failed her. If Verin, Adeleas, and Tomas hadn't followed him, the Myrddraal would have killed Lan's Aes Sedai. She had already been injured, and Lan had been too weak to kill his two opponents. He could still see the Myrddraal approaching Moiraine after Lan was out of the way.

Fear grabbed the Malkieri's heart when he thought back to that moment, and he closed his eyes. Helplessly, he had watched how the creature turned away from him. The poisonous blade had glistened deadly in the moonlight. Moiraine had been bleeding, not able to move. She had trusted her Warder to save her, and Lan had failed her.

Angrily, the uncrowned king of Malkier cracked his knuckles. Why should Moiraine want him back? She needed a Warder who could protect her – a Warder she could rely on.

Alanna will see you to the Tower. I'll have her take your bond by force if I must.

Apparently, the Cairhien woman had given up on him. She was willing to give her useless Warder to her Green Sister just to be rid of him. Lan's eyes burned, but he refused to let the tears fall.

Had there ever been an Aes Sedai who had given her bond to another sister? They must have, or the Aes Sedai wouldn't know how to transfer a bond from one sister to the next. But Lan hadn't heard about such a thing ever before, so it had to be rare. Light, he knew no sister who would treat her Warder like that! If an Aes Sedai wanted to get rid of her Warder, she could release him from his bond – which hadn't happened very often in the past.

Why didn't I realize Moiraine wasn't happy with me anymore? And when has it started? Everything seemed fine before we reached the Two Rivers.

With a sad smile on his lips, Lan remembered their last bath together. Egwene's mother had poured them a bath to warm up after riding through the rain. Moiraine hadn't hesitated to heat the water when he claimed it could be warmer. Although she rarely used the One Power for simple things, she had never bothered to use it to make Lan feel better. Light, he wished they could return to that bath in the Two Rivers! He wanted to hug his Aes Sedai – wanted to feel her warmth and inhale her scent.

We've never been equals.

Lan swallowed hard. Her last words had hurt him the most. How should he return to the Cairhien woman – even work with her! – when she didn't consider him an equal? What was he to her? A lapdog she could send wherever she needed him, and who did whatever she told him?

I never saw her as my leash holder. She never used the bond to force me to do anything. I willingly did everything she asked of me because she wasn't like the other Aes Sedai. She was Moiraine – MY Moiraine.

Have you ever known a marriage that is exactly the same as another?

Of course, Maksim saw the bond as a marriage. He and Ihvon had a different kind of relationship with Alanna than Lan had with Moiraine. Although the Malkieri would do anything for his Aes Sedai and loved her with all his heart, he and the Cairhien woman had rarely been intimate.

The uncrowned king of Malkier knew that he and the Blue Sister were different from other Aes Sedai and Warder pairs, but there were a thousand combinations in the White Tower. Each pair was different than the others.

You're doing really well. You know that, right?

Frustrated, Lan buried his face in his hands. Doing very well? He wasn't doing well. He missed Moiraine in every second they were separated. She had been his partner for the last twenty years – always by his side. Without her… he didn't feel complete.

But would it be better if he returned to her, though they no longer had the bond? It had been almost six months now since Lan had felt her through the bond. Six months of silence. Six months of their communication going south. What would it be like if the Malkieri returned to the Cairhien woman?

I am not letting you walk away from me again.

Alanna will see you to the Tower. I'll have her take your bond by force if I must.

Lan had told Moiraine he wouldn't let her leave, and she had threatened him to let Alanna take his bond. Would she see it through should he return to her? Would she keep him until she found another Warder? – A better one?

Light, he was scared! He was scared that Moiraine would reject him! He didn't believe his heart would survive another rejection.

You're a king without a kingdom. A boy without a family. And now you finally belong. To her.

Nynaeve's voice echoed in his ears. The young woman had sounded so sad that night. She didn't like seeing him tied to Moiraine. She couldn't understand how much the Warder loved his Aes Sedai – how much he needed her.

Nynaeve is going into the arches. The fastest anyone's done since Cadsuane Sedai. I suspect it's only a matter of time until she's looking for a Warder herself.

Lan swallowed when he remembered Alanna's words. The Green Sister had tried to give him an opportunity to escape his terrible situation – an opportunity to overcome his hurt feelings – by telling him about Nynaeve. Could it be that simple? Could he replace Moiraine with Nynaeve as his Aes Sedai?

First, you lose Moiraine, and then tell me how easy it is to jump from one woman to the next.

Well, I lost her, Stepin! Light burns me, but I lost her months ago when she walked into the Blight without me! You may have meant a different kind of loss, yet it feels like I lost her. She isn't with me – not physically or mentally.

Frustrated, the Malkieri thought about it. Replacing Moiraine by Nynaeve. He loved the young woman from the Two Rivers, but was it enough to forget his first bondholder? Could he cut the Cairhien woman from his heart?

Lan closed his eyes and imagined Nynaeve before his eyes. Her dark, braided hair. The soft skin. Her beautiful, intelligent brown eyes. The smile on her lips when she looked at him. Their night in Fal Dara had been incredible, and things had seemed easier at that moment… or at least he had thought.

The uncrowned king of Malkier remembered telling her about his past. She was definitely a curious one. Lan rarely talked about his past – before Nynaeve, he had only told Moiraine about it. Even the other Warders barely knew anything about it. There had been no one else than his Aes Sedai he had wanted to know such personal things.

Suddenly, fear gripped his heart tightly, making it hard for him to breathe. Moiraine. He didn't know where she was. Was she safe? Was she hurt? Was she alone, or had she found a tavern?

Lan tried to imagine her in a tavern, drinking tea while watching the people around her, but couldn't hold it. Quickly, the picture was replaced by Whitecloaks storming the common room and capturing Moiraine. Lan's heart beat faster when he imagined how those cruel men grabbed the Cairhien woman roughly, tied her up, and…

His wild thoughts moved on – fed by the fear in his heart – and the image in his head changed. The tavern was gone. Moiraine sat on Aldieb. They both careered alone through the night, chased by a group of Trollocs. Without the One Power, she couldn't defend herself. And she had no Warder to protect her!

And then three Myrddraals appeared. The pale, eyeless creatures pulled the Cairhien woman from Aldieb's back. Their poisonous blades raised in the air before they buried it within…

Trembling, the Warder jumped on his feet and started to walk up and down, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart. Stop it, you fool! You can't think like that. Moiraine is a smart woman. She wouldn't reveal herself to the Whitecloaks. And it is highly unlikely that she will run into a group of Shadowspawn again that soon. No. Wherever she is, I have to believe that she is safe.

It took the Malkieri several minutes before he found his calm again. So much for cutting Moiraine out of his heart. Stepin had been right. It was impossible to forget your Aes Sedai and bond with another one. As much as he loved Nynaeve – and as much as a part of him was cheering at the thought of protecting her from any danger – his heart couldn't forget Moiraine.

Sighing, he sank to the ground, leaning his back against the stone wall of the well. Why had everything to be so complicated?!

All right. What do I know? I know I can't become Nynaeve's Warder – or bond with anyone else. No Aes Sedai will be able to fill Moiraine's place.

Lan almost laughed when he imagined a hole in his heart that had the shape of his former bondholder, and he tried to fill it with another woman. Yet there would always be small holes, letting his pain through.

Nynaeve is going into the arches.

Who else had noticed his affection for the young woman of the Two Rivers? A part of him was annoyed that so many people knew about it. Of course, Moiraine had noticed, but how did the others see?

I know Alanna tries to help me. She wants to give me a purpose by telling me about Nynaeve's test. But it doesn't help. I can't get over Moiraine or stop worrying. When Nynaeve becomes an Aes Sedai and searches for a Warder, I will find one worthy of protecting her. I will train him and ensure that he will be ready. But I can never take that place.

I know the others will tell you you can't go back to Moiraine. But I'm proof that you can. If you want to.

Going back to Moiraine without having the bond… Could he do that? The last couple of months had been awful. Everything had felt wrong and strange. He couldn't rely on her feelings anymore. If he wanted to know something – about her thoughts, a plan, their next moves - he had to ask about every little detail.

Is an Aes Sedai not allowed her secrets?

Grimacing, Lan remembered how well she had responded to his questions. Whenever he tried to get more information, she barely responded or ignored him. Had it annoyed her to talk to him? With the bond, he had been able to react to her emotions, and sometimes, a glance from her had given him silent orders. Without it… had it annoyed her that their unique communication had been broken? Would she get used to it to talk to him?

On the other hand, she had to talk to me about our next moves in the past too or explain a plan of hers. There never had been a problem before. We had been a team – partners, fighting for the same mission.

So, Moiraine had made up her mind after being stilled at the Eye of the World. It had been her decision not to fill him in any longer. Could he convince her to return to their old routine? Would she agree to take him back and continue with their mission?

Alanna will see you to the Tower. I'll have her take your bond by force if I must.

The uncrowned king of Malkier felt his heart aching when he remembered Moiraine's harsh words. After everything she had done to him – every cruel word, every cold reaction – he had still tried to stay by her side. He hadn't wanted to leave her. But the Cairhien woman didn't want him by her side. Light, she threatened him to give him away like a bloody parcel!

How can we continue to work together when she sees me as a parcel? How can I trust her not to leave me whenever she feels like it? What if she doesn't want me back? What if she sent me away on purpose? What if she takes me back and continues to act coldly toward me?

Sighing, the Warder leaned his head against the well, staring into the blue sky. It was useless to figure out how Moiraine would react should he return to her. The question was: what did HE want? Did he want to return to Tar Valon? Should he go to the White Tower, swallowing his pride and watching Nynaeve become a powerful Aes Sedai? Or did he want to go back to Moiraine?

Moiraine.

Lan closed his eyes, and a picture of the Cairhien woman appeared before his eyes. A wave of warmth and love rolled over him. He couldn't stop himself. Light burned him! After everything that had happened, he still loved her. His soul wanted to be reunited with her. That woman was his home.

We've never been equals.

No matter how much he loved Moiraine, her last words stung and stuck in his head – well, and his heart. Could he ever forgive her for that?