Chapter 23

Being born an Imp was already a massive burden in and of itself.

Trying to live as an Imp and actually make a living was even harder. It wasn't unusual for many Imps to hold down multiple jobs at once in order to afford Hell's extortionate rent fees. Trading sexual favors for shelter were not unusual in Imp society (and for Sinners like Chay who lived in Imp City, who had had to do it more than once).

But for an Imp to start their own business and succeed at it? That required nigh superhuman commitment to the grind….and if anything else, Wally Wackford was very committed to the grind.

'Wacky' Wally Wackford was quite possibly the most prolific entrepreneur in Imp society. His resume had the length of a Greek Tragedy: construction, building maintenance, pest control, running an amusement arcade, carnival work, and machinery were just a few of the industries he had pursued at any given time.

...Also like a Greek Tragedy, most of them ended terribly: a building he constructed collapsed due to poor materials, a gas leak caused an explosion that ended his maintenance career, the use of a bootleg pesticide caused an explosion of Hellfire ants (which in turn burned down the building they were infesting), the successful arcade he ran in Imp City burned to the ground due to faulty wiring, and it was heavily rumored that he had been present in Loo-Loo Land handing how complimentary torches when the park was incinerated.

"You look a little hung-over there! I say I say…", Wackford said from the screen.

Baxter looked up at Chay from his chair, suspiciously eyeing the pair of sunglasses she was wearing.

"I wear these all the time.", Chay remarked curtly. "Now, you were saying?"

"Right, right. As I was saying…"

Wally Wackford looked the part of a carnival barker (or a snake oil salesman, the line in Hell was pretty vague). He was fairly tall for an Imp, and especially lanky. Like most male Imps his hair was bright white and he was crowned with a pair of long black and white striped horns (which in turn were topped with a black top hat). He work a shirt with white puffy sleeves, a gray vest, and a black antebellum tie wrapped around his neck. His most distinguishing feature, however, was his long black curly mustache, which was perfectly oiled and groomed to perfection.

It was the kind of mustache that an old-timey villain in a silent movie would have while he was tying a woman to the train tracks. She doubted the irony was lost on Wackford.

"As I was saying…", he continued. "Here at Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea Factory, we're making incredible advancements in the evolving field of robotics. I and my team have made some phenomenal discoveries in the world of cybernetics, computation, automation, you name it! Give us money! Please!"

"That sounds...interesting.", Chay answered. "You mentioned automation?"

"Yes, automation! One of our current projects involves a roomba vacuum that can actually climb stairs! It'll revolutionize the world of home upkeep, I say I say…"

"Fascinating. What about automatons?"

Wally's eyes grew with a monetary glow. "Oh, we've got those to! Between you and me…"

The mustachioed Imp leaned into the screen.

"I'm working on some top secret commissions for some very important clients. Real hush-hush, I say I say." he whispered.

Chay looked down at Baxter, who was sipping away at his coffee. The fish Sinner rolled his eyes, annoyed at the Imp's eccentricities.

"Out of curiosity, is your research team in the room with you?", Chay asked.

Wackford's eye twitched.

"Yes!", he said through gritted teeth. "They're nearby doing...something. Would you like to speak to them?"

"That would be ni-"

"Hey, Lipton! We got investors to fleec-I mean negotiate with!"

"-alright then.", Chay said to no one in particular.

Another voice could be heard from out of view of the screen.

"Another one? I'm still speaking with M-"

"Well then get Goopty in here! His lunch break should be over by now!"

"I'm eating chocolate-covered caterpillars!", another different voice answered him. "Elevenses and all that!"

Another figure casually (and jauntily) made there way onto the screen. This was a Sinner, and a particularly tall and lanky one at that. He also shared Wackford's pension for long, skinny mustaches. They had a pair of tall red horns topped by a black tophat, a long red nose, and wore a black jumpsuit with an acid green question mark pattern on it. He also wore a long red cape that matched his red gloves.

"Ooooh, are we talking to another potential investor today? Oh, I do so love the smell of fresh capital accumulation!", the figure giggled.

Wackford gave a pained, if grinning, sigh. "This is Loopty Goopty, one of my chief roboticists. Loopty, this is….uh, what did you say your name was?"

"Chai.", Chay answered. "Chai Ung."

Baxter again found himself looking at the Sinner next to him questioningly. Even after all the shit she stirred up about that Gishram Imp's code name, she was still just as guilty of the same thing.

"Right, Miss Ung. Loopty, meet Chai Ung."

"A pleasure! Oh, looks like we hit the liquor cabinet a little hard last night hmm?"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Now, Miss Ung, you had some questions for our roboticist?"

Chay placed her hand underneath her chin and took a short, silent breath. Now was her chance.

"Well, as I was saying to Mr. Wackford, my primary interest at the moment is in automatons."

"Oh, that's child's play!", Loopty interjected. "Absolute kindergarten stuff! Any old moron can make some gears and wires move. Just look at me!"

"Surely it's more complicated than that." Gotta butter them up a little first.

"Nothing of the sort! It's just a matter of making one thing fit into another thing so it can move another thing! Numbers, you know! But really, we should have my business partner in here to help explain it. Oh, Lyle old pal?"

"Gimme a second!", the first disembodied voice called out. "Just have to send this fax and...done!"

From the left side of the screen, yet another Sinner rolled into view (quite literally, with a churdle-churdle sound). Quite rotund, this one also had impressive facial hair (though white and wavier). Their nose was smaller and green, with an impressive set of teeth that resembled piano keys. They wore a pair of lime green gloves and a green vest over a black shirt, with a black bowler hat topping his head.

They also had no legs to speak of. Hence the rolling.

"Hello, future investor! I'm Lyle Lipton, roboticist and business partner of the no-good son of a bitch standing next to me. You were saying something about automatons?"

"….Yeah.", Chay responded. "Like I was saying, I'm interested in investing in the construction of automatons. The only issue is that I'm looking for something a bit more...autonomous."

Lipton scratched his bushy mustache. "Well, that's what we specialize in. But you're gonna have to be a bit more descriptive than that. Machine intelligence isn't built equal, you know."

"Quite.", Loopty interjected. "There's quite a bit of difference between designing factory machinery and programming an intelligent unit. Coding a single function is easy enough, but coding the equivalent of a brain? Almost impossible."

-And there's my opening.

"Mammon and his Fizzbots would seem to prove you wrong.", Chay said.

Lipton snorted audibly. "Oh, please! Those things are primitive compared to what we've been working on!"

"Besides…", Loopty interjected. "That only proves our point. Fizzbots were programmed for specific functions. The most famous ones were sex toys. Including the one that was at Loo-Loo Land."

"And even those aren't really coded, so to speak.", Lipton finished.

That got her curiosity. Not 'coded'? So then something else is involved…

"I don't follow."

"It's a matter of functionality.", Loopty answered. "The brain is simply too complicated to code. That's why true Artificial Intelligence does not exist. Brains can learn, evolve, produce emotions and all of that ridiculous shit."

"Numbers are simply cold, hard logic.", Lipton continued. "No matter how much work you do, they simply cannot go beyond their programming."

"Garbage in, garbage out. It's one of the key laws of robotics.", Loopty finished.

"Hmmm...and you can corroborate this, Mr. Wackford?"

"Unfortunately.", Wackford answered back. "They trie-I mean we tried for months and months to absolutely no success. The best we were able to do was a blow-up doll that could moan on command, I say I say..."

"We tried to warn him ahead of time.", Lipton said. "Basic programming can't really equal the intricacies of the Fizzbots..."

"Oh, pish posh!", Loopty responded. "We still got paid!"

Chay thought over the information that was just communicated to her. If Wackford and his people were telling her the truth (and so far, they had given her no cause to think they were lying), then what they were currently involved in was more complicated than simply programming a robot. She still wasn't able to confirm if said projects were connected with Vox, however...

….Wait a minute.

"You mentioned the Fizzbots.", Chay began. "How exactly can they 'prove your point' if their creation goes beyond regular programming?"

The two Sinners on the screen looked at each.

"Should we tell her?", Loopty asked his diminutive companion.

"Might as well.", Lipton answered him. "Not like Fizzaroli works for Mammon anymore…"

"But You-Know-Who is trying to get us to replicate the process…"

"Hmmm…good point. Mr. Wackford?"

The irritable little Imp looked up at his two business partners. "Yes?"

"Loopty and I don't feel comfortable with discussing trade secrets, even with a potential investor."

Chay sighed. She was afraid that this might happen.

"I'm afraid they're right, Miss Ung.", Wackford concurred. "Until we have confirmation that you're investing in my company, our lips are sealed."

"I'm ready to give you two hundred grand to start.", Chay responded.

Wackford's head whipped around to the Sinners. "You heard the lady! Unseal those lips, I say I say!"

Loopty and Lipton simply shrugged.

"Well, if that's the case…", Lipton began.

"Let the tea spilling commence!", Loopty finished. "So, the Fizzbots. Like we said, they're all programmed for specific purposes: fire fighting, therapist, companions, etc."

"But the difference is that unlike a regular robot, the Fizzbots can make individual decisions and make conversation on the fly.", Lipton continued. "Not only that, but despite whatever purpose they're built for, they all still retain Fizzarolli's memories and basic personality...more or less."

"I'm with you so far.", Chay said. "Now if I'm remembering correctly, the Fizzbot operation was shut down."

"More like Fizz quit.", Wally piped in. "It was all very public, I say I say…"

"And the Fizzbot manufacturer went with him.", Lipton said. "Along with the secret to making them. We've basically had to reverse engineer the entire process."

-Gotcha.

There it was. The missing puzzle piece was within her grasp. She knew the connection was there.

Now for the finisher.

"And what did you discover?", Chay asked.

"Remember what we said earlier?", Loopty answered. "About how you can't program a brain? Well, there's only one other alternative."

"Instead of programming an intelligence…", Lipton finished. "...you upload an intelligence, and then copy it."

"That's how the Fizzbots retained all of Fizzarolli's memories and personality.", said Loopty.

Chay reached up to wipe the sweat pouring down her forehead.

If what they were saying was true, then…

"Because they were able to copy Fizz's brain?", she asked.

"Close!", Loopty answered.

"They copied his soul.", Lipton finished. "That's what we've been trying to figure out. One of our commissioners already had a heads-up on that side of the equation. We're just being contracted for the design and manufacture part."

"Of course, if we could figure it out ourselves and cut out the middle man…", Loopty said thoughtfully.

Chay's hand reached up and removed her sunglasses.

"Gentlemen.", she began. "I'm willing to up my initial investment to three hundred thousand if you'll tell me who that commissioner is."

The Imp and Sinners all looked at each other quizzically.

"That would be...unwise.", Lipton said as he held up his right hand.

"Indeed. Most unprofessional.", Loopty concurred while also holding up his hand.

"It would simply not be worth the money, I say I say…", Wackford finished.

Chay looked closely at the three figures on the screen.

They were all noticeably sweating, terrified even.

They were also making subtle motions with their eyes toward their upturned hands.

Each of which was making the 'V' sign with their fingers.

CHAPTER 23 END