Chapter 114: Grief
We were victorious, but it was bittersweet. The bodies were combed through by the most able bodied. Of which, we had four casualties. Four lives that we'd never get back. What hurt me worst was who all they were. I… I put them out of my mind as they were carried back to camp for the death rituals. I don't know how I held myself together for that. Many of my clanmates were looking at me with worry and pity. Why? I had denied myself the chance at knowing who all died as soon as I remembered one of them had golden fur. That one I had witnessed myself and had a reasonable guess as to who it was. Regardless, I did not allow myself to comprehend what that meant right now. The clan… It had gone through a tragedy and needed strength. It was a pitiful and weak defense to my reality.
Finally, the four were laid out for all of us to see. I felt my breath hitch and I almost felt like I was choking. I recognized each of these cats. Not only that, but they were all cats I'd gotten to know on a deeper level. They'd all been cats I trusted and let into the pool I call friends, and this served fiercely as a reminder why I kept that pool so shallow.
I padded to the first one, a prickly tom who I had come to know as both a valuable friend and my mentor, Darkstripe. I'd always known he wasn't the best fighter, but to see all his wounds, his eyes cloudy with death, it hurt. He'd been there for me since the beginning, teaching me the ways of the clan, encouraging my growth. I'd trusted him with raising the apprentices of the clan, and he was devout to me for it. I felt a deep aching in my chest at the sight, but he was not mine to mourn. Longtail and Dustpelt deserved to shed tears over him, not me…
The second was the one I'd seen die, the one who I'd saved so long ago. Lionheart was a cat who I expanded the world of. He was an inspiration to the clan, taking time to teach kits and act as a role model to everyone in the clan. He took the time to investigate my words when I'd accused Tigerstar of treachery. He taught me how to be a deputy. I'd seen him die in a final gambit to save me the wrath of Scourge… And I had just watched it happen, too immersed in the cold to care. His death had only given me the room to leave a scratch. I didn't deserve to mourn him either. That honor belonged to Graystripe.
The third body was the mate of the second. His pure white fur was blemished only by the stains from the wound on his neck. Apparently, Firestar had seen him fall, which was how he found Scourge at all. Whitestorm was a largely silent cat who earned my respect by being both competent and wise. I'd only really started to get to know him when I accused Tigerstar. Despite his reservations, he still investigated the truth with me. It had hurt him, and I knew he had a lot of rage he could have vented at me, but he didn't When I was acting deputy, he still took the time to advise me, even though I was the reason he lost his oldest friend. He was a cat that knew when and where to speak. I always took his words into consideration. I'd failed him by letting Lionheart die. I did not deserve to mourn him. Sandstorm would be the one to do so.
Finally, there was the last and smallest corpse. Like Whitestorm, his fur was a beautiful pure white. His corpse was locked into an aggressive snarl. He clearly went down fighting. This was the body of Snowstep, the cat who'd proven himself despite his disability. I'd been the one to set him on the path to being a warrior. I'd been the one to teach him how to play guard. Only yesterday had we given him his warrior name. I couldn't help pondering the what ifs. What if we hadn't given him the name? Would he have been more cautious? Coud I have done more for him to make him ready? I could scarcely breathe at the sight. Ashfur must have noticed me pausing over the body. He was soon at my side.
"Snowstep went down as a warrior. Brambleclaw, Snowstep, and I were fighting the Bloodclan deputy Bone. He was beating us, but Snowstepsent us a signal. He would distract Bone while we set up the killing blow. His distraction worked, but it cost him. If I'd been a little faster, a little stronger… Brambleclaw and I decided we'd continue our training despite being warriors. We don't want to see this happen to us ever again." Ashfur mewed, clearly choking back his own emotions with resolve.
Another cat who I'd once cared for… It was my game of Guard that gave him the means to act as sacrifice. Again, this was a cat I did not deserve to mourn. Brackenfur, Ashfur, and Brambleclaw deserved the right.
I could hardly wrangle my feelings, having to dip into the cold to keep myself stable. I felt like the world was collapsing around me. How soon would it be until one of my other loved ones died? How could I protect them if I failed to protect these four? My own maelstrom of self-depreciating thoughts and the relentless ache of my overflowing emotions resulted in physical pain. My skull felt like it was under a vice grip and my insides felt like I'd taken a repeated stabbing to the stomach. Despite this, I was biting down hard on keeping my emotions from becoming visible.
Firestar, Ashfur, and Ravenfeather knew me too well. They all came to me as a group. Apparently, my distress was far more visible than I thought.
"You don't have to keep holding it in. We all know how much they meant to you." Ravenfeather mewed gently.
That almost broke me, but I managed to deny it. "No. I don't… deserve… I… need to be strong…" I sputtered, feeling my dam on my emotions begin to crack.
"They were yours, Smudgefoot. You lost them through no fault of your own. If you say you cannot mourn Snowstep, then I deserve the chance even less." Ashfur answered, forcing my own logic back at me.
"No… You…" Was all I could mutter, attempting to hold what composure I had left.
"You don't have to always be string Smudgefoot. We're here for you. The whole clan is. You don't need to shoulder the weight alone. Let us take care of you for once. They were your friends, and you deserve to mourn them." Firestar answered, finally breaking down my last barrier.
I don't perfectly recalled what happened afterwards. From what I gathered from Ashfur, I began howling with grief. He described it as the most unnatural thing he'd ever experienced, not because of what it actually sounded like but because who was doing it. He told me it was an experience he'd do anything to ensure would never happen again. I actually cried myself into unconsciousness. Those three carried me into the leader's den and remained with me through the night. I was told that I woke up one or twice only to devolve into a silently crying mess, which they'd have to console when they noticed.
It was when midnight struck that the tears ended. My sleep was interrupted. I found myself in Starclan once again. There were many waiting for me. Lionheart, Snowstep, Whitestorm, and Darkstripe were all there, but Bluestar, Crookedstar, and Mapleshade were here as well. I could feel an endless stream of tears running down my face at the sight. They were all here.
"Smudgefoot, you are not to blame for what happened to us. In fact, we have our own thanks to give. Because of you, our families and home get to continue to live. We all knew the risks when we joined you on that battlefield, and none of us regret it in the slightest. We'll all be watching over you going forward." Whitestorm mewed.
Then Bluestar spoke. "Smudgefoot. You are a cat who works his own miracles. The power of prophecy never took hold of you, and you've made the forest a better place, saving lives that were preordained to die. The Forest and all the cats in it owe you a debt of gratitude. I know I never said it to you in life, but you are Thunderclan. You've proven it to me many times over. I am sorry it took me so long to say it."
The five all came forward to embrace me. It felt like I'd just dropped a mountain off my back. I embraced their presence with tears of joy and relief streaming down my face, a faint smile gracing my muzzle. Unfortunately, all good things have to end eventually.
Finally, it was Crookedstar's turn to speak. "Smudgefoot. You have granted my request and turned Leopardstar from her dark path. You have earned my forgiveness to Mapleshade. On top of that, you led and guided the forest as a whole during one of our most desperate times. It is for that reason, we've decided to bestow upon you a gift. We cannot give you the nine lives of a leader, but with all seven of us, we can give one. What we will bestow upon you is something utterly unique. Never before has a cat earned this privilege without becoming a leader. We will bestow upon you a leader's first life, the life of longevity. This is the first life a leader ever receives and is the last one they lose. The pains of age will not haunt you. You will not feel the deterioration that comes with age as fiercely. With this gift comes a responsibility. Should the Forest ever come under total threat, we appoint you the new title of Guardian. When in this situation, Starclan grants you the authority to act as a leader and force your voice to be heard. You will be acting as the first ever Guardian, and you will act as a test as to whether more Guardians will be necessary. We of Starclan… and Mapleshade, grant you this life."
My body felt warm and then hot as they granted me the gift of longevity. It was somewhat uncomfortable as I felt small aspects of their being flowing into me. Finally, when I felt like I was burning, it stopped. I felt… loose, like I'd just finished a comprehensive stretching routine. I briefly toyed at my range of motion before noting the peculiar looks the rest of the cats were giving me. My right ear flicked… the one that had been ripped of by Scourge. I felt it flick. I ran to a puddle to look at what happened. There sitting upon my head was an ethereal ear, looking just like a Starclan cat's would. I also felt more attuned to this place.
Bluestar circled me, looking upon my newfound ghost ear. She toyed with it a moment, feeling it out in whatever senses spirits get before nodding approvingly. "While this is unexpected, it seems to be a boon. You were never easy to reach here, but I think that problem just solved itself."
I awoke before anyone else, feeling the nub that had once been my ear. No miracle had grown it back, but I did suddenly hear a whisper, one that I knew was Bluestar herself. "We'll be watching over you." It said. I faintly smiled at the words. Things might be bad now, but they were going to get better.
