Mr. Kobayashi's Dragon Maid

Warning: This fanfiction is a smut. If you're uncomfortable with frequent sexual themes and detailed lemon scenes, you may stop reading at any time. If this is your kind of thing, then strap in and prepare for a semi-genderbent version of Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid.

Cover art done by me.

Story and concept by me and Night.


Chapter 1: Ex-Caliber


I don't date for good reasons.

Look, it's not that I'm unattracted to women. In fact, there are many that I find stunningly gorgeous, types of girls that others would just die to get with. Not my type. And besides, it's not the looks that do it for me, although it does certainly help. I hate to sound corny and nice-guy, but it's the personality that I'm attracted to. And it just so happens that most personalities that I come across are less than adequate. It doesn't matter who I date, there's always something about their personality and behavior that turns me off.

And anyway, I'm not the most interesting guy.

So then how did I become... this? What brought upon this change in me?

How did I end up with... her?

Well, where to begin?

Ah yes, it must've been that day. Yes, that day, so long ago...


At the desk sat an old monitor. Christ, I mean, it wasn't just old, mind you. It was absolutely yellow from the bottom-up. Must've been made in the 90's or something. Into the equally yellowed keyboard I crunched out seemingly endless lines of code. My fingers needed a break, but the Zone never knew breaks. Absolutely unfathomable, utterly incomprehensible, positively indecipherable. Countless times my ever-painful vertebrae reminded me to straighten my posture, but after thirty or so lines of JavaScript, I would find myself back in the same position. Deadlines had to be met. Code had... be written. Software... be programmed... type... boss... work... Seiji... yes sir...

"KOBAYASHI! FINISH THE PROGRAM!"

"Yes sir! On it!" I replied, comprehending what was said, not quite understanding but also fully understanding, and the lightheadedness set in, causing my conscious to not exist, even though I could feel things, regardless of whether they made sense, even though I knew that I existed. Lightheadedness, I knew, was due to a lack of oxygen to the brain, in which I inhaled deeply while deeply I was, focused on typing. My fingers became a blur.

"KOBAYASHI! STOP SLACKIN' AND FINISH THE JOB!"

"Yes sir!" Understood. Information in formation informed the neurons that I was being sent a vocal message. And the prefrontal cortex or something interpreted it as Nakamura-san being an loud for no reason. Please refrain, Mr. Nakamura. I must work.

"KOBAYASHI! FIX THE ERRORS!"

"Understood!" Errors could be fixed easily. My faults could be mended.

"KOBAYASHI! HELP THEM OVER THERE!"

"Yes sir, I will!" There are others coexisting in this office, why not consult with them?

"KOBAYASHI! THIS AND THAT!"

The screaming got louder.

"KOBAYASHI THIS! KOBAYASHI THAT!"

... was pretty much all I heard at this point.

"KOBAYASHI DO THIS THING!"

"KOBAYASHI DO THE WORK!"

"KOBAYASHI!"

"HEY! How about you SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' TRAP!?"

Is what I would've said if I wanted Nakamura to fire my ass.

The remaining work hours went pretty much the same, and I had no choice but to comply.

Do it for the money, Kobayashi. Do it to live.

And that's exactly what I hated about it.

After work, I thought it'd be alright to go get a drink and get my mind off work.

"Gahahaha! I know I'm not pickin' up any girls any time soon! I dunno why I come here, just gimme another round! Huahahahfuhohh god!" I coughed, incredibly drunk.

"Yessir," replied the man.

I don't remember exactly what happened between then and now.

As I woke up, everything was hazy and blurry and my head spun and pounded at the same time. My glasses fixed the blurriness, at least.

"Ugh... I hate hangovers..." I would take some painkiller before I went to work.

Supposedly I'd passed out, then I had a dream about dragons and magical swords... wasn't I too old to be dreaming about dragons?

It was at this point that I slid out of bed and got ready for the day, brushing the vile and dry taste of morning out of my mouth, throwing on a white button down with a blue tie, black slacks with a brown belt, and brown dress shoes.

I sighed. Then groaned and massaged my head. Another day until the weekend.

I glanced over at the clock. "If only I didn't have to catch the damn train every morning... wish I could fly... damn humans and their evolution... why couldn't we have evolved wings..." But no amount of grambling (grumbling and rambling at the same time) would do anything.

I glanced at the clock again. I had some spare time before the train came, but I didn't want today to be like most other days where I'd be scrambling out of the house with my coat half on and my shoes untied. Grabbing a bottle of ibuprofen, I put on my brown overcoat, grabbed my briefcase, and headed out the d-

...d-dragon. Door! I mean door. No, dragon. Wait. D...dragon...?

... there was a dragon. A colossal... green... dragon. And it was staring right at me, penetrating my eyes, my brain, my soul, my being.

No... that was impossible. There was no way that dragons... maybe it was a decoration that someone forgot to take down.

A decoration that... could move. Was breathing. Blinked. Opened its gaping mouth and let out a monstrous growl.

My jaw dropped in both fear and awe. S-so this is how I die... I thought, but then the dragon created a magic circle and cast a spell. A spell. Did I really just say that...? The dragon turned red and shrunk down into a human form. Sort of.

Horns. Dragon horns. A maid outfit. Large breasts almost too big for the dress. A huge green tail. Wings; black wings. Dyed hair tips, pink. Then I saw her face. Honestly, she was pretty cute; in fact, she was beautiful. Although... that didn't really matter to me.

"Good morning Mr. Kobayashi!" she said cheerfully. Yeah, I suppose it was a good morning. I'd wake up from this dream soon enough.

"Good... morning," I replied slowly.

"Would it be okay to come in?" Her tail bounced up and down, and her warm smile seemed harmless enough.

This couldn't be real. I stepped forward and poked her cheek.

"Uhm... Mr. Kobayashi?" she asked, cocking her head to the side. She didn't seem annoyed by this action, however. I snapped back to reality (oh, there goes gravity).

"Ah-! My apologies. I... yes, come on in." I gestured my arm into the doorway and followed her inside. Figured it'd be rude not to let a complete stranger into my house.

You know.

A minute later, she sat at the table in the kitchen with a cup of water.

"Quite a strange dream, I'll say. Rather vivid, as well. Why not start with introductions? It's a pleasure to meet you." I asked, waiting for my alarm clock to wake me up in the real world.

"Oh, pleasure's all mine! My name is Tohru! We met before, don't you remember?" I didn't, in fact. Everything was so hazy, and I didn't remember much.

"I'm sorry, I don't. Where have we met? Are you sure this is a dream, it seems so real..."

"Oh, no Mr. Kobayashi! You're awake, don't worry! It was last night that we met, remember?"

"And... where exactly was that?"

"In the mountains! We met in the mountains!"

"The hell was I doing in the mountains...?"

"Beats me, but you came up there with a bottle, and we talked for a while."

"The mountains, huh? Hold on... I think... I remember..."


I was... undeniably drunk. Bottle in hand, I stumbled my way off the commuter train and up a mountain path. Sure, it was dark and I could've gotten jumped or killed or worse at any time, but in the moment, I was having the time of my life. Somehow.

That was when I must've met her. A 15 foot tall green dragon with branch-like horns and large, orange dragon eyes. Drunk as I was, I didn't realize the severity of the situation, and so immaturely I cried out loud:

"WOOOAAAHH! A DRAGON! I WANNA-hic-RIDE THE DRAGON!" At this, the dragon roared.

"Filthy human! Don't you dare touch me!" Naturally, I wasn't paying any attention.

"DrAgOn TaLeS, DrAgOn TaLeS~" I sang like a complete idiot. But hey, who would hear me besides this giant lizard?

"How pathetic it is, that the last thing I meet is a human. Although I barely escaped from battle, I'd much rather die than be touched by the hands of a lowly human." At this, the dragon looked up at its back, and under the moonlight, I could see the outline of a massive sword, much too gargantuan for a human to wield. A god-sword, perhaps...? But being the agnostic I was, not to mention a brainless drunken idiot, I said something derogatory about gods of which I will not mention for other people's sake.

"Oh, chitty chitty chat chat chat chat chat, chit, chat! Don't you ever get tired of-*BUURP*-talking like that? Sooo BORING! Live a little, why don't ya!" I took another swig of sake.

"W-why you little, insolent..."

"Hey! Whas that shiny lookin' sword shaped sword? Is that a sWoRd? I'm callin' the-hic-police!" I didn't, obviously, but I still dialed a number into my phone and said "420 wHaT's YoUr EmErGeNcY?" and I stumbled over to the side of the dragon and climbed up to where the sword stuck out of its back.

"You pest! Get off of me at once! You don't think you can pull out the sword, do you? If a mortal so much as even touches the sword of the gods, their mind shall be split in tw-AH-!" The dragon cried out in pain as I grabbed the sword.

"I-hic-doubt a gawd be exsisting or somethin', but..." I gripped on with all my might and started to pull. The blood around the wound possibly lubricated the sword so it could be removed easier. I had no idea, since I was so drunk.

"...if He does exist, then... thenthenthen... KAMI SAMA! WHY DON'T YOU DROP A TON OF BRICKS ON MY BOSS' HEAD?!" I snorted up a bunch of mucus and spat it onto the ground. "AND GIMME A RAISE WHILE YER AT IT! YAAAAAAHHH!" And, as if I were King Arthur (I'll tell ya, it sure felt like it) I pulled up the enormous god sword from the wound by the blade, and with my drunken strength, I tossed it down onto the ground as if were light as a kitchen knife.

I tried hopping off the dragon's back, but obviously lost balance and fell to the ground and busted my ass.

Or... I would've, if the dragon hadn't reached over to catch me by the collar of my coat. It turned its head and looked at me. Just looked. Not angry or pissy, not ready to eat me, nor kill me. Simply held me up in the air and stared.

"..." I stared back. I hiccupped.

"..." the dragon kept staring. I was too drunk to know if I should be scared or what, but I knew that it had become rather uncomfortably quiet.

Naturally, my unfiltered drunkness blurted out and broke the silence.

"HAHA! You blinked, annnn now... now, now I WIN!" I hiccupped, then burped. "Now why not put me the hell down for a change, goddammit?! I haven't been on the ground for a bajillion yearrsss...!"

"Ah. I apologize..." The dragon, and to my surprise placed me down gently. I still flopped over like a ragdoll, though, but I felt a claw scoop me up and place me upright.

"Ssstarin' ain't polite, ddoru-a-kkon!" I pronounced "dragon" in a very strange way, but everything coming out of my drunken mouth was bound to be strange. "Tah... taht's no way to treat a man! I be treatin' you with respect, an' I better get some back! Urp."

"M-my apologies. To be fair, you did save my life... I..." the dragon looked off into the starry sky. "I was defeated in a battle of the gods that nearly cost me my life. I barely escaped, and couldn't remove the sword. I thought I was a goner, but you most likely were able to pull the sword because you're an atheist..."

"AgNOStic!" I hit my hand on the ground. "Agnostic, not atheist! There's-hic-a difference, dummy!"

"R-right. You were most likely able to pull the sword out because you lack faith in the gods. I never thought I'd say this to a lowly human, but I'm truly grateful and forever indebted to you. You saved my life. Thank-"

"Ah, whatEVER! What's done is DUN! Urrp." I shook the bottle at the dragon and yelled, "Come on, dragon! Have a drink, I have so much to talk about! I have too much to talk about! Why does that sound weird, 'talk'... tawk... tok... eeerrrrwhatever!"

The dragon hesitated for a moment and then a magic circle appeared in front of it, to which I said, "Oouh! Hocusy pocusy magic and sheeit!" The dragon then shrunk down in size in a flash of light, only to reveal the figure of a girl, and a pretty hot one too. She wore a cloak, so she wasn't entirely naked, but as she floated down, I could catch a glimpse of her right booby. Lemme tell you, it was very decently sized. Her body was nice and curvy, and her thighs looked so plump and pillowy.

Wohh. Such a well endowed dragon... I thought to myself.

"Yer a lassie, eh?"

"Correct. I don't like this form, though..."

"I do. I like it," I said, handing her the bottle.

"!" She was clearly taken aback by this statement, although if I wasn't drunk, I would've thought the same thing.

"W-well, it's not like I'm doing this for you or anything..." Gee, haven't heard that one before, I'm thinking now. The girl looked away and took a polite swig of the bottle.

"Dayum, girl! You know how to draaank! Let's down this whole bottle, just us two!"

"You drink this foul stuff?" she coughed. "What kind of demon are you? Why would you assume a humanly persona?"

"DEE-MIN?! WHO SAID? I'M THE HUMAN HERE, YA HYPOCRITE!"

"M-my apologies, sir!" the girl said, groveling.

"Now ya done got me all mad! Imma suck dem big ol' tiddies off!"

"Y-yes sir...!" cried the dragon, throwing off her cloak.

"Wait, really...?"

XXX

"An... andandand, tha's why all the gurls I been datin' SUUCC!" I yelled, punching the ground.

"TELL ME ABOUT IT! Aih... aih shuld deshroy dem all!" The dragon girl breathed a ball of flame from her mouth as she said this.

"Like, I'm the purfik-snorrt-perfick caliber of male to be dump'd by errbudy..." I sank down, jokingly depressed, and then sat back up, giggling.

"Deh hell with that! 'Perfikt calibur', my TAYL!"

"Nuh UH, sistah! I got so many exes, King Arthur'd betteh call me... 'EX-CALIBER!'" I drunkenly stood up and struck a stupid pose, causing both of us to crack the hell up. "That sword I pull'd errlier wuz mee!"

"I liek Ex-Calbur... maeks yuh soun-hic-soundin' stronk boy." She reached up and touched my abdomen.

"HAWHAWAHHA! Stawp that, I'm tik-lish!" However, this gave her more of an incentive to touch my belly, finding my ticklish points on the sides of my belly.

In retaliation, I reached for her tail and grabbed it. I hypothesized that it may be her ticklish point. I concluded that I was correct by the way she gasped and burst out laughing. For the next five or so minutes we spent by rolling around on the ground, tickling the hell out of each other until we couldn't take anymore.

Under the moonlight, I could see the girl's face turning red from the alcohol. She giggled took another drag, this time a bit longer than before.

How did this happen...? I thought. A few minutes ago, I stumbled across a lone dragon on a mountain, and pulled a sword-a-majig thingy out of its back, allowing it to heal again, then the dragon turned into a hot girl, who stripped off her cloak and is still sitting naked in front of me...?

I didn't know what to feel for a second, but then one of my emotions... no, instincts, came forward. Arousal from seeing a beautiful woman in front of me, nude.

"W-well?! What are you waiting for?!" cried the dragon, waving her arms at her sides.

"Eh-! I spaced the fuck out... whassap...?"

She leaned back, spread her legs, and cupped her tits with her hands, with the most passionate bedroom eyes I've ever been given.

"I want you to come fuck me...~"

"Eh-" What.

Even in my drunkenness, that still startled me.

"EHHHHH?!"

She giggled. "Well, you saved my life. I didn't know how else I could repay you... than giving you my first time."

She reached down and spread her pussy lips with two fingers of her right hand.

"You saved me, mister. In turn, my body is yours." With one finger, she traced from the middle of her breasts down to her slit seductively. "I want you to have me... I'm yours for as long as you live..."

"Hol' up, hol' up, missy! I don't even know your-urp-name!"

I stood up and wobbled over to her. "In fact... I don't think I even introduced myself. I'm Kobayashi Seiji." I held my hand out and she accepted it.

"I'm Tohru..." She grasped my hand and then pulled me down.

"Woah-! Wait, what are you-" Tohru shushed me by putting a finger to my mouth.

"What happens in the mountains, stays in the mountains..." she whispered in my ear, then I looked into her eyes, her flushed face. I couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or arousal, but it didn't matter when we locked lips with each other, sharing a warm, deep heart-to-heart by mouth-to-mouth, tongues intertwined and exploring each others'. Hers was soft yet abrasive, mine was strong and forceful yet timid. Tohru put her hand on my back and pulled me down. Our bodies rolled all over as our mouths were locked, eyes closed and hands everywhere.

If I wasn't drunk, I probably would've dealt with this in a different way, but the fact was that I was drunk, and that this was happening.

"Ladies first..." I said, moving down to her legs, then pulling them closer rather forcefully. This made Tohru giggle like a little schoolgirl, which quickly turned into breathy moans of ecstasy when my tongue met her already sopping wet clit.

"Ooo... a-ahm~" Tohru's face rapidly changed back and forth from childish giggling to absolute pleasure; head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut, teeth clenched or tongue lolling out of her mouth...

I was the hobbit intruding on the dragon's treasure. And when I didn't think my burglar of a tongue could venture any deeper into her cavern, she grasped my head and pulled me in even closer, making her scream as juices erupted from her tight slit.

"FfffffuuuuuUUUUUCKKK!~" Her dragon's cry was absolutely deafening as she squirted her liquids all over the ground, and she lay there panting hard.

On the subject of "hard", my own Excalibur grew from using my mouth to pleasure my dragon friend, so stiff that it was painful, that I thought it was about to burst. Tohru didn't seem to care anyway, because she sat up and came straight for it. She gasped as she looked up and down my shaft.

"Oh my god... I-I don't think it'll fit..."

"Aw, gimme a break! I'm just shy of six inches..."

"That's fine with me... I'll have a taste, first..." she sighed lustily, engulfing my shaft with her sweet little mouth.

"Ahhh, shitttt..." I threw my head back as ecstasy overtook me. The feeling was wet and slick, but so unfathomably great. I gazed at Tohru as she slid her head up and down my length, gagging a bit as she took it all in. The more the sucked, the more I felt a faint tingling sensation in my thighs. Everything she did built up the pleasure exponentially; from the way her lips slipped over the head, to the way she moved her mouth sideways up my shaft.

"Ah... damn, girl..." As I spoke, she looked up.

"Rr yu cwohe, Ko-a-ashi-han?" I nodded my head vigorously, to which she began moving faster.

"Mn, call me... ahh... S-Seiji..." Eventually, the pressure in my legs began to overwhelm me. "Ohh, I'mna cum...! Tohru... I'm gonna..." As her pace quickened, so did my breath. I couldn't take it anymore. In an instant, all the tension in my legs erupted out in six bursts of hot, thick cum. The warmth in my face never left, but my heart rate began to return to normal, and so did my sanity.

Along with my senses came an overbearing pressure in my temple. As if someone took a power hammer to my cranium, my heart began knocking on my brain's front door with a deafening THMP, THMP, THMP.

"Mm... such tasty... mm..." Tohru lustfully lapped up up my load from her large breasts, kneading them while kneeling on both knees.

Standing up made everything so much worse. My vision turned pitch black as the bumping in my brain became positively brutal. My head could barely withstand such searing pain, the sharpness overriding my senses.

"Mm, srmm... rre fmmmmn rmm?" she said.

When I finally thought I was at my breaking point, positive that I'd lost hundreds, if not thousands of nerve cells to the screaming inferno that engulfed my soul moments before, every ounce of pain I'd known was now foreign. The cool, refreshing rush of euphoria renewed my soul. Atop this mountain of old, though I struggled to remember what had happened minutes earlier, I stood reborn.

"...hello? Seiji?"

"Huh? Eh! Hey, sorry... I didn't hear what you said, sorry."

"I asked if you were up for a round two, Seiji." Tohru spread her legs again and smiled seductively.

I had regained most of my consciousness after standing up and having the blood rush from my head, and I thought this was a bad idea.

"I-um..." Thinking quickly, I found her cloak and threw it over her shoulders, and then I zipped my pants back up and grabbed my bag.

"Huh? Seiji...?"

"I-I mean, it was a pleasure meeting you, but I really have to go. I... uuuaaahhh..." A long yawn escaped my mouth and I stretched my arms up.

"M-Mr. Kobayashi!" Tohru stood up and faced me.

"Hm? What's wrong?"

"W-well... you don't have any way to... return home. I can fly you back home if you'd like."

"I can walk home... it's..." I raised my hand to my gaping mouth to cover a yawn. "It's urright, Tohru."

"W-wait!" Tohru grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. "It's... dangerous, Mr. Kobayashi... please... let me at least take you home." I briefly weighed my options and decided to let her fly me home. What else was I going to do? I sighed and nodded, and Tohru changed into her dragon form, picking me up and placing me on her back. Before I knew it, we arrived at my apartment building, where Tohru landed and dropped me off on the roof.

"Say, Tohru... are... are you..." I yawned again, speaking slowly and drowsily and still a bit drunk. "... you just staying up here all night?"

"I don't have anywhere else to go, so I don't see why not. Besides, it's more comfortable than sleeping in a forest."

"Ohkay, whatever... fuck I'm tired..." I began walking to the rooftop door, but as I opened it, I turned to look at Tohru. "You sure you... don't wanna sleep... somewhere more... comfortable? I got'ta couch in my... my ma-partment." I couldn't keep my eyes open, and my head rolled and drooped all around as if I was in Mortal Kombat.

Tohru's face lit up, but then she shook her head and smiled.

"Arright, Tohru. Sleep well up here."

"You too, Mr. Kobayashi."

Naturally, I don't remember anything that happened after that, but it's not like there was anything important.