Adventures of The Acolyte

On the planet Ueda, a strong young diverse female character approached a bar menacingly. She wore a purple head covering, armor, and a mask over her face. She had braided hair and a dark complexion. Her outfit and hairstyle made her highly recognizable which one typically did not do as an assassin. However, this assassin was a badass, so badass that she didn't even need to recon where her target was. As she entered the town, she came upon a weird-ass alien dressed in all black with an orange bong attached to its face. The assassin held out a coin.

"Where's the Jedi?" she asked raising questions as to why the assassin couldn't sense the Jedi on her own, did zero recon before her attack, and was heavily reliant on random weird-ass aliens.

The weird-ass alien pointed to the bar. The assassin handed it a coin and went inside the bar. There, she found the Jedi chilling with other aliens for reasons entirely unknown. "Master Trinity?" the assassin asked.

"No," Trinity said and continued to chill.

There was a long awkward silence. "I know it's you. I remember your face all too well," the assassin accused. "We have unfinished business, you and I. Attack me with all your strength." The weird-ass aliens around Trinity began to laugh.

"All my strength?" Trinity questioned.

"All your strength," the assassin repeated.

Trinity put the assassin in a paralysis hold and then knocked her out within a split second. The assassin was on the floor stunned. "A boot has no quarrel with an ant," Trinity said as she stood over the would-be assassin. She placed her hand over the assassin and read her mind.

"Well...shit," Trinity muttered as she got the full story. "I have a strong young diverse female character to pick up," she radioed. The assassin's body then disappeared. "That was weird."


On the other side of the galaxy, Osha worked on the outside of a Neimoidian ship. She wore magnetic boots to get around the hull. Suddenly, a pressure valve leaked leading to a fire...in space. Osha was immediately triggered but eventually got her pocket-size droid to extinguish the fire. At the same time, a Jedi ship arrived. "I got it," Osha reported in.

"How?" her companion asked.

"I extinguish the flames," Osha said simply.

"How is there fire in space?" he asked her.

"Simple, the fire is igniting with the oxygen continuously leaking through the valve," Osha said smartly.

"Okay, then how did you extinguish it without turning off the valve first?" he asked.

Osha gave him a blank look. "Fuck you, Fillik," she said irritably. She then noticed the Jedi ship swinging by. "Oh, shit," she realized.


A young Jedi Knight and a young alien padawan boarded the Neimoidian ship. "What do we owe the pleasure of two Jedi Knights?" the captain asked.

"My name is Ford Gaydar, and this is my irrelevant padawan companion. We're looking for a former Jedi named Osha," Ford said.

"This is a cargo ship. We have no passengers," the captain denied.

"Well...no shit. We assume...she works for you as a meknek, which is also illegal," Ford said obviously. "You know why it's illegal? It violates the Occupational Safety and Health Administration codes aka OSHA. You hired a woman named Osha to do work that violates OSHA? Oh, buddy, you're doubly fucked now."

"Why would we hire a human woman when a droid can do it for cheaper?" the captain asked.

"Fuck if I know but she is here. Now, I can either mind-rape you for her location or...," Ford said as he raised his hand.

"Sub-level, bunk twenty-three," the female Neimoidian said quickly.

"Thank you for your cooperation," Ford smirked and then toured around the ship having no idea where bunk twenty-three was located since none of the rooms were marked.

He eventually came across Osha's room. "Ford?" Osha asked as she found him in her room. "You finally passed your trials," she smiled.

"Well...I am thirty-six," Ford said defensively. "Actually, I should be a master by now. I blame racism and homophobia."

"Which is why I never thought I'd see the day," Osha nodded.

"How long have you been violating OSHA regulations...Osha?" Ford asked accusingly.

"I've been here with these reptilian assholes for the last six years. Jedi skills aren't really transferable," Osha rolled her eyes.

"I call bullshit. The Jedi Order's educational and life-skills program is comprehensive," Ford objected.

"The only thing I learned was how to throw darts," Osha said wide-eyed.

"When you joined the order, you were eight and in mourning. You lost your entire family, your mothers, your sister, your village all died in a fire," Ford pointed out.

"So?" Osha wondered.

"I just wanted to bring that up because I thought it was a mistake to have you admitted to the Order," Ford said rudely.

"It wasn't your call to make, asshole," Osha told him off.

"Your training was difficult, to say the least. Was it due to trauma or incompetence?" Ford asked curiously.

"Little bit of both," Osha admitted.

"Sounds like you still have attachment disorder. Just let it go," Ford advised.

"Why are you here? Is it to just talk shit?" Osha asked confused.

"You're wanted for the attempted assault of Master Trinity on Ueda," Ford said seriously.

"Attempted assault?" Osha asked incredulously.

"You got your ass handed to you before you could even make a move," Ford explained. "Still a crime though."

"I was here," Osha objected.

"The suspect matched your description," Ford pointed out.

"A black girl with braided hair? That's racial profiling," Osha said outraged.

"Where were you last night?" Ford asked.

"On this freighter. I have a shit-ton of witnesses to give me an alibi," Osha said.

"I don't trust Neimoidonians for shit," Ford said dismissively.

"Why would I attack Master Trinity?" Osha asked confused.

"She wanted to discontinue your training. She told the Council numerous times that you were a fuck up. She eventually got the Council to fire your ass," Ford recalled.

"I wasn't fired. I left and leaving the Jedi Order was the hardest thing I've ever done," Osha said defensively.

"Yeah, I know how you prefer it hard," Ford mocked.

"It was my decision," Osha insisted.

"Bullshit," Ford rolled his eyes.

"You really think I'm capable of betraying the order?" Osha asked shocked and appalled.

"Yeah," Ford said obviously. "You did it before, you'll do it again," he predicted.

The bar owner from Ueda then entered the room. "That's her!" he declared. "She tried to attack that Jedi and slightly inconvenienced my patrons."

"You brought him all the way across the galaxy to identify me? What? You don't have security cameras at your bar, witness sketches?" Osha scoffed. "And he's a weird-ass alien. He probably thinks all black girls look the same."

Ford eyed the alien bar owner. "You're probably right about that."

"I do have a twin, remember? Forget about that?" Osha asked.

"I...shit," Ford realized. "Look, it doesn't matter what I think at this point."

"Such a tool," Osha said unimpressed.

Ford escorted Osha down the corridor. "Now that you have been officially identified, you're to be taken back to Coruscant for enhanced interrogation."

"You're making a mistake putting me on a prison transport ship with only drone pilots surrounded by other thugs capable of breaking out of their cells," Osha chided.

"Oh, that's not happening. You're coming with me on my ship," Ford corrected.


Coruscant

On Coruscant, Master Squidgamer was teaching a class. "Close your eyes. Your eyes can deceive you. We must not trust them," he said to his squad of child soldiers.

"Master Squidgamer, my eyelids are translucent," one weird-ass alien kid objected.

"Then, you're fucked," Squidgamer told him and turned to the rest. "Connect to the Force. Have faith. Dive into a great ocean, feel the weight of the water above you, and tell me what comes into your mind."

"Drowning and inevitable death," one child said. Master Shrek then entered the classroom. "I see fire, it consumes everything that tries to stop it," one child said ominously.

"That's odd. How do you see a vision of fire in a great ocean?" Squidgamer wondered.

"Lunchtime," Master Shrek said as the conversation was getting very uncomfortable.

"We will discuss our impending demise and doom another day," Squidgamer said to his students.

"They have a compassionate teacher...so I'm told," Master Shrek remarked as the children exited the room.

"More often than not, I learn more from them than the other way around," Squidgamer said humbly.

"I remember when you were that young before you won...that game," Master Shrek said hauntedly.

"How may I service you?" Squidgamer asked.

"I come with news. Master Trinity was slightly inconvenienced at a bar," Master Shrek said grimly.

"I was sad to hear of it," Squidgamer shook his head dismayed.

"We have a suspect in custody. It's Osha, the girl you rescued from that Lesbian witch death cult," Master Shrek said.

"I do not recall," Squidgamer said blankly.

"I see I have overestimated your attachment to her. You really don't give a shit," Master Shrek noticed.

"Why would Osha want to kill Master Trinity?" Squidgamer asked confused.

"Master Trinity was responsible for the team that killed her entire coven and burned it to the ground. You were there...remember?" Master Shrek reminded him.

"Are you sure?" Squidgamer asked uncertainly.

"About...what part?" Master Shrek stared at him dismayed. "Look, the evidence is strong. The bartender identified her."

"There must be some mistake," Squidgamer figured.

"If it were to become public that one of our own slightly inconvenienced a master at a bar...," Master Shrek began.

"Our political enemies could use it against us," Squidgamer finished for her.

"We need to cover our ass. Justice must be swift, an example made. Despite you not giving a shit about this girl, do I have your support?" Master Shrek asked.

Squidgamer sighed. "Sure."


As he waited for Osha to arrive to Coruscant, Squidgamer's padawan, Wolverine, entered the school room. "What is it, X-23?" Squidgamer asked annoyed.

"I have a name. It's Laura," Wolverine said impatiently. "Master Shrek has need of you at the detainment level."

"Then, I shall ditch you here," Squidgamer said urgently.

"Master, why do you have holos of your former padawans in swimsuit wear?" Wolverine asked concernedly. "It's creepy as fuck."

"Our memories are our lessons. If we don't meditate on the past, we're doomed to repeat it," Squidgamer taught her.

"You have dozens of dead or lost padawans. It seems you're the one doing a lot of repeating," Wolverine pointed out.

"Perhaps," Squidgamer allowed. "I am a repeat offender. I will offend again."

"How well do you know this padawan failure?" Wolverine asked.

"Sixteen years ago, I killed her mother, indirectly slaughtered her entire coven, and kidnapped her. Osha was the sole survivor...supposedly. Some of them turned to smoke, so I don't really know for sure. I took her as a padawan eventhough the entire Jedi Order said it was a bad idea. I threatened to leave the Order if they didn't let me train her. That always does the trick," Squidgamer said nonchalantly.

"She had a sister?" Wolverine recalled.

"Yes, she had a twin, but Mae is dead. I saw her die. She fell to her death off-screen," Squidgamer said.


The two walked to the detainment level. "For this interrogation, I may need backup. I'm not very good at conversation," Squidgamer admitted.

"Don't pick Ford," Wolverine recommended.

"Why? What's wrong with Ford?" Squidgamer asked confused.

"Well, you know, Ford. He's...you know...queer," Wolverine said delicately.

The two encountered Ford in the detainment center not wearing a shirt. "Master Squidgamer, I brought the prisoner in, myself. I thought it an error to do otherwise," he said giving him a bow.

"Queer or not, this is how you show respect to a master," Squidgamer lectured Wolverine.

"I feel nothing," Wolverine admitted as she looked upon a semi-naked Ford.

"Maybe...both of you are queer," Squidgamer considered.


In a detainment cell, Osha had a nightmare. She dreamed of her village being burned and then saw her sister, Mae. "Always one, born as two," they said together as they ran through the forest and into the room. "As above sits the stars, and below lies the sea, I give you...you, you give me...me," they said to each other.

"Mae, I thought you were dead. Did you slightly inconvenience, Master Trinity?" Osha asked shocked and appalled.

"Yes," Mae nodded. "I will inconvenience them all."

"That's fucked up. You're fucked up," Osha accused and then woke up inside her cell. Squidgamer, Ford, and Wolverine stared at her. "I didn't do it."

"I believe you," Squidgamer said gently. He deactivated the forcefield. Ford ignited his yellow sentinel lightsaber and Wolverine had cuffs with her. "Stand down. I have completed my interrogation and she's innocent."


Flashback

Mae walked about a rocky beach and came across Darkhelmet giving an evil monologue. "The Jedi live in a dream. A dream they believe everyone else shares," Darkhelemt said facing away from her like a total villain.

"Pretty sure the Jedi don't give a shit whether anyone shares their dream," Mae said.

"If you attack a Jedi with a weapon, you will fail. Steel or laser will not do. An Acolyte kills without a weapon. An Acolyte uses Force choke powers," Darkhelmet said.

"Is this why you sent for me all the way down here? For this?" Mae asked incredulously.

"Yes, because you keep violating your test every single time," Darkhelmet scolded.

"Look, I'm not into this Darkside bullshit. I just want to kill fools," Mae said ambitiously.

"And you will...as my Acolyte," Darkhelmet assured her.

"Well, okay then," Mae rolled her eyes. There was a long awkward moment between them. "Good talk. I have an appointment with a queer apothecary to get to," she said and then walked off.

Darkhelmet tilted his head to the side as if offended but then went back to the ocean horizon deep in thought. He turned on his red lightsaber to show how much of a badass Sith he was.