October 2, 1998
The grey walls started overwhelming her after that first year. She spent months in bed with the sheets pulled over her head to block out the grey. Day after day she holed herself away under white cotton, trying to shield herself from the guilt that choked her when she looked at that color.
Then, she would curse herself for hiding and force herself to look at it. Force herself to stare at those grey stone walls and face the consequences of her actions. Her hands shook and her fingers itched to curse herself into oblivion on those days.
Calandra went over every possibility in her mind. She tried everything she could think of to get out, to talk to someone. But nothing ever worked.
She never gave up; not entirely. When she'd exhausted all the options she thought of, she'd retreat back under the covers and hide from the world. She'd wallow in her desolation for a bit, then come back up fighting mad full of new possibilities.
January 16, 1983
"Does being a healer pay very well?" Calandra asked as the witch waved her wand down Calandra's body.
"It's enough to get by." The healer replied.
"One of my friends told me I should have been a healer." Calandra said. "I'm not sure I'd be quite cut out for it."
"Mmmm." The healer murmured.
January 31, 1983
"What's the latest?" Calandra asked. "With the wizarding world."
The healer just stared at Calandra.
"Has Nimbus released a new broom?" she asked.
The healer shook her head.
"What's Madam Malkin putting out these days?" Calandra pushed. "Any new robes for you this year?"
The small witch gave Calandra a peculiar look and shook her head once more.
"Not right now, no." she said.
Calandra nodded and drank the potions.
February 12, 1983
"I'd be happy to pay whatever fee my father is covering." Calandra said.
The healer ignored her.
"I have gold, you know." Calandra said.
The healer raised an eyebrow and gave Calandra an appraising look.
"I'd pay handsomely to send a letter." Calandra said, carefully. "Twenty galleons or more."
The witch turned on her heel and left the room.
May 10, 1983
"I'll give you the whole bloody vault." Calandra said. "I'll tell you exactly where the key is. You can have all of the gold. Every sodding galleon. Please, just let me send one letter."
The healer rolled her eyes and set the potions on the table.
"I'm serious." Calandra pleaded. "You can have it all. Just let Alice visit. Let me send a letter. Anything. You can have my entire vault."
The door closed firmly behind the witch and Calandra was left alone. She picked up the potions on the bedside table and threw the vials at the wall, screaming.
August 21, 1983
"I'm not crazy, you know." Calandra said softly.
The mediwitch made no sign that she heard Calandra's words.
"He is innocent." Calandra said. "Sirius Black is innocent."
The healer sighed and continued her diagnostics.
"He could sew." Calandra said. "He sewed me an apron. It had purple frills around the hem. And he sewed me a cloak. It was my favorite one."
October 8, 1983
Calandra stared at the small table that stood by the bed. It was smaller than the ones they kept at the flat, its corners just a bit sharper. The shape of it was familiar; almost perfectly square, but not quite. She had the vague feeling that she should clean it. That she should wipe it down and hold it up to her eyes.
A laugh sprang from her chest. Calandra held onto her stomach and doubled over, tears springing to her eyes.
No wonder she wanted to wipe it down. It reminded her of James's glasses. The shape was exactly the same.
"Oh, Merlin." she whispered to herself.
How many times had she wiped those glasses with the hem of her shirt? How many times had he leant over the table in Potions and asked her to clean them for him when his hands were full of frog spawn or salamander tails? How many times had she peered through them to see if all the specks and streaks were gone? How many times had she pulled them off his face and laid them on his nightstand seventh year? Far too many to count.
She held herself and thought back to those days in school. James had been a right pain there at the beginning; loud and annoying and so sure of himself, even at twelve and thirteen. She'd admired it in a way. That sense of belonging. He never seemed to question his place in the world.
He'd been the last to warm up to her completely. She'd befriended Remus first, and a bit by association Peter although they were never more than friendly aquantinces. Calandra paused on that thought. Even after she and Sirius had gotten together and she spent more and more time with all of them, she and Peter never really passed that stage. He came over for supper sometimes and they visited him, but they were never really close; she was just an extension of one of his other mates.
Maybe that should've bothered her. Perhaps she should've been offended that he only saw her as a part of Sirius, but she wasn't. There were too many other things to worry about at the time and before that, back in school, she was too wrapped up figuring out life to pay much attention.
She ran her hand along the bedside table and thought back to days at school. Back when she and James danced around one another, only orbiting the same space because of Sirius. They'd joked around and tolerated one another for a while before actually becoming friends. She knew he was waiting to see what happened between her and Sirius before welcoming her into his group of friends. Waiting to see if she hurt his friend or took advantage of him before he approved. As arrogant of a prat as he could be, James Potter was nothing but loyal to the people he loved.
She told him what she was sixth year. The same year she told Dorcas. To her surprise, Dorcas had laughed and told Calandra it was no wonder she was so good at wandless magic, with a voice like that. James had gone silent and stared at Sirius's bed.
"I'm not going to hurt him." she said. "I'm always really careful. I never ask him for anything when I'm upset. I don't ask him for anything anyways, but I'm always careful not to then."
James nodded and chewed on his bottom lip.
"He knows?" he asked.
"Of course." Calandra said. "He's known for almost a year."
James nodded and crossed his arms.
"I don't care." he said. "You should know that I don't care about that. Moony's one of my best friends and you know about his furry little problem."
She nodded.
"So you know that I don't care about that." he said. "But I do care about my mates. Sirius has had a shit life and if you're just trying to use him just give it up now. Whatever you want from him I'll give you. If it's gold or whatever."
Part of Calandra was furious that he'd assume she'd do that. She drew herself up to argue with him, but saw the look in his eyes.
"I'm not using him." she said. "I didn't even want...I tried to..."
Calandra broke off and rubbed her face.
"I'm not going to do anything to him." she said. "If things don't work out I'm not going to do anything. If he decides he wants someone else or whatever, I'm not going to try to hurt him or hex him or cast a spell on him."
James rolled his eyes and shook his head, muttering to himself.
"If he ever decides...load of bollocks..."
"You two are ridiculous, you know that?" he looked up at her.
Calandra narrowed her eyes.
"I told you because you're my friend, and because you're his best friend." she said. "And so you'd stop this whole 'Why is White always around?' bit that you've got going on."
"I know why you're always around." he said, scoffing. "You and Pads finally decided to have conversations with your clothes off and he-"
"That is none of your business!" she bit out, face flushing. "Absolutely none of your-"
She cut off and he looked at her curiously.
"Is it?" she asked. "Is that it?"
James looked at her like she'd grown three heads.
"Bloody fucking hell, Cals." he laughed. "You think he snuck any other birds into that house? You think he turned down twenty offers to go to Hogsmeade last year just to get in your knickers? You think he threatened his own brother just for laughs? You think he kept your secret just to get you in a broom closet? He didn't even tell me about it."
Calandra didn't say anything.
"I know why you're always around." He shook his head. "And if you plan on sticking around, you'll just have to get used to the bit."
"Will I?" she scoffed.
He smirked and nodded.
"Well, that's too bad." Calandra said airily.
"Why's that?" James asked.
"Lily hates it." Calandra smirked. "And I do rather like spending time with her."
James ran his tongue across his teeth and nodded, a small smile spreading across his face.
"Touché, Cals." he held out a hand. "I think having you around is going to be enlightening."
Calandra laughed and shook his hand.
November 18, 1983
Two years.
She'd been in here over two years.
It had been more than two years since she'd heard Alice's laugh. Since she'd kissed Neville's cheeks. Since she'd tickled Harry's legs. Since she'd cleaned James's glasses for him. Since she'd seen Remus. Since she'd looked into beautiful grey eyes.
How could two years feel like forever?
February 2, 1984
The cotton scratched against her skin. The color of the sheets was too light. Nothing in this room was right. The walls were too dark, the floor too hard, the bathroom too big. It was as if they'd tried their hardest to make every single detail the opposite of what she'd called home.
At home, the sheets were silk. She'd laughed when Sirius had bought them. He admitted that this was one of "very few, thank you very much" fancy pureblood tastes he'd not compromise on. Burgundy silk sheets that slid against her skin and always smelled of him.
At home, the walls were light. Soft colors that seemed to glow when the sunrise hit them. A few of the walls had designs on them. A few of the corners had bits of paintings on them; flowers that sprouted up from the floor, broomsticks that looked like they were just leaning against the wall instead of painted onto it, constellations that twinkled on the one dark splotch above the mantel.
At home, the floor was wood. Polished by thousands of steps in socked feet. Ever so much softer than stone. Cold in winter mornings. So cold, in fact, they'd gotten matching slippers to wear in the mornings when they got out of bed and shared tea together.
If she closed her eyes she was there. She could walk through each room and be the girl that lived there. But when she opened her eyes it was never home she saw. And that made it so much worse.
June 18, 1984
"I'll make an Unbreakable Vow for whatever you ask of me, if you'll let me see Alice." Calandra said.
The healer pursed her lips.
"Anything." She repeated. "I'll do anything."
"Your magic seems to be healing according to plan." the healer said.
"I'm sure it would go much quicker if it weren't being suppressed." Calandra quipped.
The healer gave her a sharp look and bustled out of the room.
October 31, 1984
She tried not to think of this day. Years ago, she'd loved Halloween. She'd dress up and go trick-or-treating with her mother. Then, at school, there was always the feast and usually a dance or some other celebration.
Not all of her friends knew the traditions muggles had for Halloween; the fancy dress outfits and the candy and all. But they'd embraced them and made them their own. They'd stocked candy in their dorm third year, and anyone who was dressed in a costume and knocked on the door got sweets.
The rest of Gryffindor followed suit the next year. Gideon and Fabian had given out exploding bonbons disguised as regular chocolates. It had made a huge mess, and everyone steered clear of their treats the next year.
Sixth year, Sirius had gone all in for the holiday. He begged Calandra to dress up with him as a counterpart to his costume. She'd already agreed to dress up with Alice so he'd bribed Alice into dressing up with him, too.
Sirius had broken down in laughter at the look on Remus Lupin's face when they showed up at his dormitory in their costumes.
"Do you know what we are, Moony?" Sirius wheezed.
"I'm sure I could guess." Remus said wryly as he took in their costumes. "You're all wolves. How original."
"Not just any wolves." Sirius said. "I'm a Pear-Wolf."
He gestured to his costume.
Calandra sighed and raised her hand.
"Chair-Wolf."
Alice piped up next.
"Prayer-Wolf."
"Reaching a bit, there. Aren't you?" Remus asked.
Sirius doubled over in laughter. Calandra and Alice had gone along with him for the first little bit, then transfigured their costumes into bottles of hair product and collected their payment from Remus for doing so.
So, yes. There had been a time in her life when this date brought mischief and joy and laughter. But now it brought none of those things. It brought pain and sorrow and regret and heartache.
