"Kazuma, Kazuma. . . !"
"Yes, I'm Kazuma."
Feeling a tap on his back, the adventurer of the weakest class let out a sigh and turned around to face his most aggravating party member. Every time this annoying goddess had something to tell him with such enthusiasm, it always meant trouble!
"Look! It's snowing. . !"
At Aqua's declaration, the entirety of the class took their eyes off the board and directed their attention to the window beside them. Roswaal's lesson plan might as well have been tossed out for the day, as there was no chance of him reestablishing interest in whatever vague magical concepts he'd hoped to teach them. Even their professor found himself enamored with the sight of snowfall outside their classroom.
"Interesting, this is the first time it has snowed since we arrived here, I believe."
Ainz said as he looked out at the snowfall with a hint of longing. In his original world, sights like these were only understood through games or parroted descriptions. Since his own experience being Isekai'd he'd been able to experience much of what 'real nature' had to offer, but this was something new to him. Fortunately, his emotion moderation kicked in before this was noticed by anyone else in the class.
"Ah, ah, Ainz-sama. . ! I shall craft a snow statue of your likeness! Please, teacher. . . !"
Albedo leapt out of her seat and jumped to the side of her master, who lightly patted Albedo on the shoulder. It seemed his one observation had been enough to whip up all the floor guardians sense of wonder.
"Hey, if it's snowing, does that mean a blizzard is coming? Maybe we shou-. .?"
Before any of Tanya's men could get a word out, they felt their commander's eyes burning a hole through the backs of their heads. Despite being seated behind them all, they had a knack for sensing their boss's unnerving aura.
"Maybe we should. . .what? Were you about to suggest we leave this class? Am I to believe my training hasn't prepared you for cold weather?"
Vooren felt his voice catch in his throat as a small squeak barely escaped his lips. Whenever Tanya spoke such dangerous words, they were usually followed by some new devilish training regiment crafted in the deepest pits of hell! He dared not utter a single sound and give her the reason she was looking for to continue.
"You dare to call yourselves soldiers of the Empire. . ? The moment we are dismissed, I expect to see you all out front and in your gear. I believe I've thought of the perfect drill to deal with this insubordination!"
The eyes of his fellow soldiers fell hollow, while Tanya cracked a wide deranged smile. Kazuma could only look at their despair and thank his high luck stat for keeping that demon's attention off him.
"Hey, Lia, want to go outside and build a snow fortress?"
Puck whispered to Emilia, to which the class president quickly nodded and began anxiously crossing her fingers as she looked outside.
"Ah, now that sounds fun. . . we could have a snowball fight!"
"Sounds fun! E.M.T. . ! Snowball edition!"
"May I join?"
Emilia spoke her idea aloud, to which both Subaru and Rem quickly pledged their support. Garfiel and Otto looked poised to jump in too, as they'd both only recently been transported to this place and were having trouble adjusting to the mundane school environment.
"P-Please. . ! Let me join too~!"
Unsurprisingly, Darkness also asked to join, but it was unlikely she had any plans of dodging their attacks at all. Before anyone could refuse her request, Emilia quickly agreed and gave a thumbs-up to the hopeless crusader. It seemed her mind could not yet comprehend the motivation behind Darkness's odd behavior.
"Oi, Oi, don't go causing trouble with everyone else. . !"
Kazuma could only feel guilty watching this perverted girl corrupt something as innocent as a snowball fight and quickly reigned in Darkness to avoid any awkward situations developing between them all.
"Ah, Kazuma-san, it's quite alright! As Class President, I want to be inclusive of everyone, not just my friends from Lugunica. . . ! Please, all of you feel free to join our game!"
Emilia declared with the purest of smiles on her face.
'Ah, no. There's no way I can tell Emilia that our party member is trying to use their snowball fight to fulfill her perverted fantasies. . ! I think I'll die of shame if I have to say that out loud!'
"You see, Darkness here is. . . a bit slow. She has trouble restraining her strength around others, so it would be dangerous to let her join your game. . ."
Kazuma put a hand over the protesting Darkness's mouth, who was both glaring and blushing at him as he uttered such embarrassing lies. The disapproving looks from both Megumin and Aqua left him tepidly speaking towards the floor.
"Ah, I see. . . That must be difficult for her. . . Please let me know if you change your mind, we'd still accept her with open arms!"
Emilia said such an unintentionally cruel line and stared at the two of them with a radiant grin.
'Please don't smile so innocently, it only makes me feel worse!'
". . . ."
"Now, noooooow. . ! We still have our claaaaassss~, let's try and focus for a l-. . ."
"Woo-hooo. . . !"
As Roswaal attempted to corral everyone back into focusing on his curriculum, his eyes briefly caught the outline of several people outside their classroom running around in the snow. At this, his eyes formed a small squint and the smile on his face grew slightly more devilish.
"Mwa-ha-ha. . ! As expected, Class 2 has decided to rot inside their classroom and cede this snow day to us! Ah, such delicious negative emotions. . ! Truly, what a gift that Class 2 has such a buzzkill for a teacher. . ! I could feast off this disappointment for eternity. . !"
The entirety of Class 1 was outside playing in the snow, with their teacher Vanir not missing the chance to assert their dominance over them.
". . . ."
". . . ."
". . . ."
"Claaaaassss dismisssssed~!"
As the majority of Class 2 exited the classroom, Kazuma remained seated at his desk and briefly laid his head on his crossed arms. This was as good a chance as he'd ever get to catch up on some of the sleep he'd been missing since he was teleported here. Aside from the occasional shouts of joy from his classmates outside, likely engaged in some form of snowball fight, the quiet ambiance of the room allowed him to quickly reach early states of sleep.
". . . ."
". . . ."
His vision was slowly fading as a calm feeling ran through his body. This was it. . ! He was only moments away from. . .
"Hey, what are you still doing in here?"
". . .-hk!"
Kazuma jumped in his seat as he quickly turned around to face the person who interrupted his rare moment of tranquility. To his surprise, it wasn't any of his party members or one of the teachers.
"Ah, it's you. I thought you must've been Aqua given how horrible your timing was. . ."
He sighed briefly, before returning his head back to the position it had been before this person had interrupted his rest.
"It's funny you mention it, that's actually one of the few things I'm best at! Well, according to Ram anyways. . ."
"Clearly it's not!"
Subaru let out a short giggle at Kazuma's quick reply and took a seat at his desk, looking outside and watching Class 2 with a small smile on his face. It hadn't been his intention to run into anyone else when he'd come back here, so he was unsure how to proceed with their interaction.
'Ah, this isn't good. He sat down, which means he's trying to start a conversation. Maybe he'll give up when he realizes I'm trying to-. . .'
Kazuma hoped that Subaru would take the hint.
"Not a fan of the snow?"
'Damn it!'
Kazuma gave up on his dream of sleeping through the day and sat back up in his seat with a disgruntled expression. If Subaru was that insistent on talking with him, then he really had no way to continue with his moping.
"No, not really."
He muttered this under his breath, still avoiding any eye contact with Subaru in hopes that it might make him change his mind and leave. This was a sensitive subject for Kazuma and he'd never really talked about this with anyone else. What was the point? It fell perfectly in line with his NEET tendencies to avoid going outside whenever possible, so it's not like anyone noticed this change anyway.
"Ah, me neither. I can relate."
Subaru strained out his words with a similar complexion, which briefly made Kazuma's eyes flicker. The way in which he said it implied that their reasons must've been similar, which just couldn't be further from the truth!
'This guy. . . what does he have to complain about? He got gifted with a Harem, broken allies, and most likely; a cheat ability!'
"Oi, Oi, stop joking around. Don't you live in a super huge mansion with tons of girls to warm you up? Winter should be the best season for a harem-having bastard like you!"
Kazuma accidentally let his bitterness slip out in his reply, but bit his tongue before he could say anything further incriminating himself, as he didn't want to accidentally start a fight. There really was no reason for him to take his anger out on Subaru like this.
It was just. . . he'd felt betrayed after their initial interaction, as he'd really believed he'd found someone in a similar situation to his! After learning that Subaru had not been subjected to any of the struggles he'd been forced through, the goodwill that had been built up between them suddenly felt like a lie.
"Pfft-!"
Subaru unintentionally let out a restrained chuckle.
"Hahahahahaha. . . ! I thought I said something insensitive, but you're still mad about that? I suppose you've got a right to be mad at me. . .pfft-!"
And it quickly ballooned into a full-on, bent over laughing session. He had both his arms on his sides to try and contain himself, but all it did was make Subaru's sides hurt that much more when he tried to slow his laughter.
Kazuma's glare grew sharper, as he felt Subaru's attitude towards his statement was completely disregarding the truth in his statement. Subaru hadn't meant his laughter to be interpreted that way, but from an outside perspective, even he had to admit that he was starting to resemble one of those generic isekai protagonists.
"Way to prove my point. . . You're only laughing because you haven't been left out to feel the true sting of the cold! Isekai Change please!"
At this, Subaru was finally able to quell his laughter. Wasn't it a bit too quick to make a judgement about him without knowing his full story? This might be a good chance to correct the bad footing on which their relationship started!
"Wait, wait, wait a second! Don't you live in a mansion? Also, wouldn't those three girls be considered a har-. . ?"
"No, no, no! Don't even finish that sentence. . ! I don't even want to entertain the thought!"
Kazuma abruptly put his hands over his ears and shook his head violently back and forth. Subaru had made a good point, at least when it came to the mansion, but that wasn't the reason he was mad at all!
"Unlike you, I went through hell to get to where I am. . . ! I spent an entire winter nearly freezing to death every night. . ! Not to mention the time I had my head cut off by the Winter Shogun. . !"
As he recounted these memories, Kazuma shivered in his chair and looked at the floor in fright. He could still remember what it felt like in those seconds where his head left his body, and the cold air met the exposed nerves in his neck. Ever since that moment, he detested the cold in all its forms!
"What. . . ?"
He heard Subaru's voice, but it sounded like a completely different person.
'. . . . . ."
". . . . . ."
'Oi. . . Why did I say that?'
Kazuma heard the sudden silence and felt uncomfortable with what he'd just said. It was like the laughter he'd heard moments ago had been forcefully stifled and replaced with. . . nothing.
"A-Anyways, the point is, nothing has been similar about our experiences. Nothing at all. Conversation over. . !"
He quickly buried his head on his desk to avoid making any sort of eye contact with Subaru.
". . . .W-Wait a minute. . . you've died. . .?!"
Subaru said this aloud, partially in disbelief, partially in shock at how crazy this situation looked from the outside. Of course, he yearned for the day when he could share his own experiences of death with another person, but this was just beyond the pale! There was no way he could leave this situation alone now!
"Forget I said anything. . . ! My mistakes are my own, so if you'd just leave me alone, we can j-. . ."
"Sorry, but I can't end let our conversation end on that."
Kazuma tried waving him off, but Subaru firmly held his ground and continued to force the interaction along.
'Ah, Eris is going to be really mad if she hears me talking about this so openly. . !'
"If I get into it any further, I'll have hell to pay when she finds out. . ."
SLAM*
Kazuma once again tried to make an excuse to end their awkward discussion, but the moment he uttered the last part of his sentence, Subaru slammed his palms on the desk and got up in his face.
"Who is SHE!?"
His eyes darting all over the room, it was like Subaru was momentarily possessed by someone else. His calm demeanor had completely shed away, and all that was left was a paranoia-laden shell.
"Is it the Witch Of Envy. . .?! Are there witches in your world too. . . !? I can't believe it. . ! I can't believe it. . .! I can't believe it. . ! How is this real. . !? How could I have missed it. . . !?"
Subaru began muttering to himself wildly, contemplating all sorts of wild explanations for what Kazuma had just said. It was really unnerving to watch, and Kazuma had half a mind to just use lurk and get the hell out of this room. However, he knew school rules prevented students from directly attacking other students, so against his better judgement, he remained in his seat.
"I-I. . . W-What the heck is going on!? Why are you saying all that stuff? I don't even know what a 'Witch of Envy' is. . !"
Kazuma moved his hands up and down, trying to figure out the right words to deal with this sudden change in behavior, and ultimately succeeded in bringing Subaru out of his brief manic state.
". . .Y-You don't know what I'm talking about. . .!?"
"No! I have no idea!"
Subaru slinked backwards, finally aware of how crazy he must've just appeared. His hands were still shaking from the force he'd put into slamming the desk, and the spike of adrenaline through his body had made his breathing ragged and uneven.
"S-Sorry. . ."
It was all Subaru could think to say at this point.
". . . . ."
". . . . ."
". . . .Oi, you can't react like that and just pretend like nothing happened! What the hell was all that about. . .!?"
Kazuma reached out and grabbed the collar of Subaru's tracksuit to keep him from running away. As he prepared to ask a follow up question Subaru started to struggle out of his grip, ultimately succeeding and making a break for the door.
"BIND. . !"
Before Subaru could reach the door, a cable whipped itself around Subaru's body, leaving him flat on the floor, unable to move.
"H-Hey, let me go. . ! Seriously, this is not a good situation for either of us. . !"
Subaru yelled out, attempting to get the attention of the people outside to come in and assist him.
"No, no, this is a bad situation for you. Not me. . ! And besides, I'm only restraining you because you looked like you were about to attack me!"
Kazuma scratched his head, suddenly realizing how this would've looked and sounded to outsiders lacking proper context. It was one of his main rules to keep himself out of other people's business anyway. . . So getting involved in this headache was definitely not something he wanted.
"I wasn't going to attack you. . ! It was quite the opposite actually!"
Subaru's frustration seemed to be getting across quite clearly at this point, as Kazuma immediately believed his words. There was no reason for Subaru to run away if he'd wanted to attack him, so freeing him should theoretically be fine.
"Really? So if I let you go then you promise you won't attack me?"
"Yes. . . !"
He breathed a sigh of relief and quickly undid his Bind curse, the rope around Subaru's body suddenly loosening.
". . . . ."
". . . . ."
"You know, now I'm curious. . . why do you dislike the snow?"
Kazuma asked Subaru this question, which made the black-haired boy freeze up once more. Unlike Kazuma, he was uncertain if the taboo still applied to him in this world. If he was wrong and it did, it's almost guaranteed that Kazuma would end up dead.
". . .I-I. . .guess it's for similar reasons to you."
Subaru muttered under his breath, continually staring at the ground with a vacant expression.
". . . Eh? Did you even hear what I said? I was beheaded. Don't joke around and just tell me your real reason. I already spilled my guts to you, so it's not fair if you get to make up stuff."
Kazuma picked at his ear, once again feeling betrayed at Subaru's apparent dodging of his question. It was simply impossible for Subaru to claim any sort of equivalence to what he'd been through considering he'd literally died. If that was really the case, where was his 'cheat tool' of a goddess to resurrect him?
"I-I. . ."
With his fist tightening around his tracksuit, Subaru stared back at Kazuma with a grimace that barely concealed his trepidation. This conversation was picking up traction too quickly, and he would inevitably end up saying something he shouldn't if he responded to Kazuma's taunt. However. . .
He just couldn't help but wonder. . .
Did her reach truly extend all the way to this place?
". . . . ?"
Kazuma's lighthearted attitude was slowly starting to disappear, the telling silence beginning to weigh down on him as he watched Subaru grappling with something.
'No, no I shouldn't even be considering this. . .'
Subaru shook his head as his memory flashed back to the moment where he'd held Emilia's corpse in his arms. He'd long since sworn off taking such pointless risks by challenging the taboo.
". . .H-Hey, don't tell me you're serious?"
Kazuma looked on in astonishment, scratching his head as he felt a semblance of guilt for bringing up such an obviously sensitive topic. Truthfully, the experiences he'd had with death had scarred him to the point where he could scarcely fall asleep without sneaking some alcohol from Aqua's stores. It was so bad that he'd even considered just wiping the slate clean and reincarnating with no memories. Something about the way Subaru was talking about death, the familiarity, the haunted expression in his eyes. . . it was deeply unsettling.
". . . .I-I don't know what you're talking about."
Subaru whispered, now unable to look Kazuma in the face.
". . .Oi, make your lie a little less obvious."
Kazuma's frown was getting sharper now, as he felt a war within himself brewing that he couldn't really explain. One part of him, like always, wanted absolutely no part of whatever this situation was about to present to him. He didn't want anything to do with problems troublesome enough to make Subaru limp with fear.
But on the other hand. . .
This guy was just like him. Well, no, Kazuma wasn't anything like this harem-having bastard at all. . ! It was more like they shared a lot of similar circumstances . . . . Former otakus finding themselves isekai'd to another world with nothing but the tracksuit on their back. You weren't likely to find many others who dealt with those unique experiences, much less be able to talk with them about it.
Up until now, even with people like Eris and Aqua, Kazuma had always felt some aversion to discussing his previous deaths. It wasn't as if they were heartless, but their positions made it so they could never understand what it was like to go through such a. . . mortal experience. To have their sense of self violated so completely through the severance of their soul from their body.
If Subaru had gone through something similar, perhaps he also had no one to talk about this with.
Against his better judgement, he decided to keep pushing.
". . . ."
"I'm not lying. . ! I-I just. . . don't want you to get hurt."
". . . ?!"
Subaru decided to test the waters with a small admission, hoping Kazuma would take the hint that this fear was for his own safety.
". . .Wait, is something is preventing you from talking about this?"
With a stunned expression, Kazuma stared at Subaru like he was an alien. In real time, his evaluation of Subaru living a 'carefree life' was breaking down into nothing. At least he'd had the freedom to talk about his deaths, usually accompanied by some acknowledgement of his efforts.
". . . .I-I really don't think we should continue further."
Subaru tries to gesture that someone may be listening in on their conversation, but Kazuma can't help but notice all the small manic expressions he'd never picked up on before.
". . .At least your friends know, right?"
Kazuma asks this, now also gazing around the room with a growing sense of paranoia. He'd had his enemy detection skill activated since Subaru had attempted his ill-fated escape, but it had said there was nobody there.
". . .No."
". . . !?"
Subaru found an empty seat, slowly squatting into it with a weak groan while leaving the shocked Kazuma with his mouth hanging.
"You can't just drop a bombshell like that and pretend it's nothing. . !"
Kazuma threw his hands in the air, an exasperated sigh leaving his lips as he looked at the, now mysterious, gloomy figure in front of him.
". . .Listen, it's not as if I want this conversation to end either. . ! I-I just don't have a choice. . ! You won't even have time to regret asking me that question if I go on any longer. . ."
Subaru muttered this with apparent frustration, as the look in Kazuma's eyes grew drearier.
"I'm owed at least some explanation! How is it fair that I'm forced to discuss all my deepest darkest secrets, but the moment I ask you anything, I get stonewalled?"
Kazuma gritted his teeth together, as he knew what he'd just said was a lie. The true reason he was asking was not simply because he wanted to make things 'fair', but because he now felt some real concern for this bastard he'd all but hated a few minutes ago.
". . .I-It's not that simple! If it was just me at risk, it'd be one thing. . !"
Subaru brushed him off with a wave, however a mounting sadness in his tone was evident to the both of them.
"I'm aware of that, but I don't care."
Kazuma said this with a completely deadpan expression. It was such a ridiculous sentiment that Subaru couldn't help but wonder if Kazuma was crazier than the Sin Archbishops.
"You don't care? Aren't you unable to be resurrected if you die here? What about your companio-. . ."
"Don't lecture me about my companions."
Before Subaru could finish his rebuttal, Kazuma cut him off with a harshly worded comment.
"I could throw that same question back at you. You've clearly been itching to tell someone about this, but fear has kept you in check. I just offered you a perfect opportunity to test it on someone, but you rejected it without thinking. Do you really think that someone listening in would've let our conversation get this far without intervening?"
Kazuma was surprised at himself for the conviction he'd found while speaking these words. It felt hypocritical, considering the way he'd been acting just a few moments ago, but he nevertheless felt compelled to say it.
"Weren't you just moping in here doing the same thing?"
Subaru says this to Kazuma with a hint of venom in his voice.
"Yes, in fact I also recall someone who felt the need to come in and start interrogating me."
The black-haired knight looked away, annoyance clearly present in his features, as the point Kazuma made stood firm. He had functionally walked himself into this trap by not leaving things alone and bothering Kazuma while he tried to sleep.
"Worst comes to worst, you can just say it was an accident. I'm confident that Aqua will find some way to revive me if something goes wrong, if just to avoid having to pay down her debts. . ."
Subaru looked like he was actually considering Kazuma's proposal now with some serious weight, which Kazuma wasn't sure if he should be happy about.
"The last thing I'm going to do is throw you unwanted pity, alright?"
Kazuma muttered this quietly, hoping that this last provocation would be enough to get Subaru to finally drop the wall and give his suggestion a shot.
". . . ."
"T-This is seriously no joke. . ! I'm really about to say it."
". . . .Yeah, as I said earlier, just do it."
The adventurer stared at Subaru expectantly, who was still working up the nerve to choke out the words he'd so conditionally worked to avoid saying.
". . .I-I can. . ."
". . . ."
" . . . . You can. . ?"
Kazuma raises an eyebrow, feeling a nauseous sensation growing in the pit of his stomach. The anticipation was really beginning to eat away at him, as the lingering feeling of danger made some of his hair stand on end.
Truthfully, if it hadn't been for his enemy detection skill showing nothing, he likely would have chickened out by this point.
". . .Retu- by -ath."
Subaru says this part so silently, that he is uncertain if he even released air for some of the syllables in this utterance. His breath shaking and the expectation of pain had forced his mouth to disobey his brain.
". . .Return by death. . ."
This time, the words exit his lips as intended. To his complete and utter shock, there was no obstruction this time. No eerie chill on his spine, no eerie silence, no frozen surroundings.
"You. . . Wait what does that mean?"
Kazuma squints as he tries to ponder the ominous phrase Subaru just spoke. Return. . . by death? Does that mean he has some ability that can only be activated by dying? The idea itself was completely ludicrous, to the point where he had to wonder if Subaru was just making fun of him again.
"Return by death, return by death, return by death. . ."
Subaru said it over and over again, his hands gripping the side of his head as Kazuma could only look on in horror.
"Subaru. . !? What does that mean?"
A couple of hands grapple Kazuma's shoulders and form an iron grip. Subaru had come forward, holding him in place as he screamed this phrase repeatedly.
"I-I can, I can return by death! I return by death! I die, and come back, over and over again. . !"
At this, Kazuma could see the tears welling in Subaru's eyes, and he suddenly felt very guilty for ever calling this person's life easy. The absolute terror in his voice, the breaks as he said what should be a simple phrase, made it clear that he'd been through something unspeakable at the behest of this terrible secret of his.
"H-Hey, calm down. . ! This is crazy. . .!"
Kazuma put a hand back onto Subaru's shoulder, trying his best to understand what was happening while reassuring Subaru that everything would be fine. It was not an exaggeration to say that Kazuma believed his story now, no, it would be more ridiculous if he didn't at this point.
"Kazuma, I've died, and died and died, over and over. . ! Every time I do, the world resets, I'm sent back in time, and nobody else remembers. . !"
He screams this out, and only now does Kazuma truly understand the beast he has just tapped awake.
"W-Wait a second. . !? Did you say you're sent back in time. . ?"
Kazuma could feel thousands of thoughts racing through his mind, but the prevalent one nagging away at him was perhaps the most potent. The fact that he'd returned back in time meant that nobody was aware of his deaths. Coupled with the taboo against any discussion of it, it meant that he'd been unable to tell anyone about this. . .
"Yes, yes, I have died and been sent back repeatedly. . ! I haven't been able to tell anyone because the Witch of Envy stops time and kills them!"
He could almost feel the cold, hard exterior of a bullet grazing his cheek as Subaru uttered this insane explanation. Truly, he had been much closer to death than he could have ever anticipated. He really wanted to thank Eris for his godly luck stat right about now.
". . .Ok, ok, calm down for a second. I-I can't believe what you're telling me, but the way you're saying it makes it impossible to refute. . ."
Kazuma managed to get Subaru to sit back down in his chair, a firm grasp on his shoulder as he felt him finally begin to calm down.
"It's true, all of it! I've died more than a dozen times, and been forgotten more times than you can count. . !"
Subaru tried to find a way to get out exactly the pain that this accursed ability caused him, but no sentence could do it justice. The loss of his connections, his family, his everything. . . only to be thrown into a whirlwind of death and destruction with no way to vent or explain himself to others. It had felt. . .so isolating. The only other person he'd ever been able to tell about this ability had attempted to make him into a tool!
"W-Wait a second, ok, start from the beginning at least so I can try and understand this better."
Kazuma bit the inside of his cheek, as the implications of their discussions earlier began to weigh even heavier on his thoughts. Subaru, like him, had been mercilessly beheaded by someone. However, unlike him, he'd been unable to tell anyone about it. How many times had he died?
"You actually care. . ? I thought you just wanted to get back at me for what I said earlier. . ."
Subaru looked at him in surprise, only for Kazuma to let out a long sigh and turn away with his own voice beginning to tremble.
"I-I didn't think. . .I didn't know you'd died too."
Kazuma uttered dejectedly, surprised at the moisture he felt building in his own eyes as he said this.
"If I'm being honest, I've wanted someone I could talk about this to. Someone else who had. . ."
Kazuma didn't dare finish that sentence, as that wish was something so selfish he felt he should be ashamed for thinking it.
"Died. . ? Y-Yeah, I can't blame you. You're the first person I've ever met who has died besides me."
Subaru said with an awkward smile, which Kazuma couldn't help but return.
"Here's an odd request, but could you tell me when and where you've died? I've obviously had my fair share of misfortune, but I'm honestly shocked someone with your luck could've died at all."
Before turning away again, Subaru asked Kazuma this question with an odd look of understanding in his eyes, a gesture that made his mind feel ever-so-slightly lighter.
"Y-You really want to know? Every time I talked about this with people, they've laughed at how stupid most of them were."
Kazuma said this with a self-deprecating laugh, but was surprised to see that Subaru was not finding any humor in this morbid situation.
". . .Well, my first death was rather stupid. I ended up dying from shock after mistaking an oncoming tractor for a truck."
". . .I see."
Kazuma didn't dare say another word, as Subaru's subtle answer made him finally feel the weight of the death that he'd laughed at for so long.
". . .I-It's not stupid, is it? Even my parents laughed at me when they learned what happened."
At this, Subaru's eye flickered with surprise and a queasiness built up in his throat. His own parents would never do such a thing, they loved him even after he pathetically refused to attend school. It appears Kazuma's family was of a completely different ilk. To have your death laughed at. . .by your parents? There was nothing funny about that at all.
"I-I know a thing or two about shock, one of the Witch Cult's Archbishops ending up using an ability that killed me by creating a feedback loop of fear."
Subaru says this nonchalantly, trying his best to keep his own vivid memories of that event buried.
"T-That's. . .!"
Kazuma looked like he wanted to say something, but quickly silenced himself, as he looked at Subaru's face with a completely different look than the knight had ever seen on him before.
"I-I'm sorry. I think your death was worse than mine."
Subaru didn't expect that response from Kazuma, and he quickly knocked him over the head for even saying something so ridiculous.
"Don't even joke about that, there's no comparing deaths."
He shook his head, wanting Kazuma to take his deaths more seriously.
"Well, there's also the time I was swarmed by kobolds and torn apart."
Kazuma itched his skin as he described the experience in horrifically accurate detail, something that made Subaru begin to stare off into space. The 'death by a thousand cuts' was not at all apt to describe what it felt like. More accurately, it was to have tiny parts of you torn off until there was less of 'you' on your body than off your body. And even then, it still doesn't do it justice.
"-hk. .! You had one of those deaths too. . .?!"
The adventurer looked at Subaru with even more sympathy in his expression, but was handwaved off as quickly as he had started. Subaru was honestly afraid to tell anyone about this death, as even putting it into words might put him back into that. . . hell. However, he felt an obligation to reciprocate the earnest description that Kazuma was putting forward.
"Yes, although it was more like I was devoured by a swarm of demon rabbits. . ."
Subaru didn't elaborate any further, which Kazuma was honestly glad about.
"Well I know we both got beheaded in the snow, so I guess that's also a moot comparison. . . Wait, actually, is the Winter Shogun in your world too?"
Kazuma tapped his shoulder, eager to find out the culprit for Subaru's similar horrific death. If it was the case that they'd both been killed by the Winter Shogun, it would mean that Aqua's antics were likely responsible for that death as well. He would have to get her to apologize to Subaru later. . .
"N-No, it was someone else."
Subaru looked outside at Emilia and Puck, happily constructing their snowman, with a wistful gaze.
"Who, if you don't mind me asking. . ?"
"Ah, it was. . ."
Subaru paused, as his eyes lingered uncomfortably on the spirit that floated next to Emilia. This gesture was not lost on Kazuma, who felt a sudden wave of disgust rise up at the implication.
"No way."
". . . ."
". . .You're kidding. . !"
For a brief moment, Kazuma considered his own circumstances, having been blown to pieces multiple times by his allies. However, those circumstances were clearly collateral damage. A beheading. . . ? That didn't sound like something that could be explained away as an accident.
"W-Why are you still around that thing if it killed you. . !?"
It was a reasonable question to ask, as anyone would detest a person that killed them. Not to mention the paranoia that would likely accompany being around them at all times.
"It's not like anyone remembers. Besides, it was my own fault it came to that. . ."
Subaru doesn't look very comfortable going into further detail about that loop, which Kazuma acknowledged with a sad nod. It was a ridiculous situation, because there was no way to confront the culprit in the current timeline. For something that never happened, getting angry would only make the accuser look crazy.
"Still though, how unfair is that?! I wouldn't forgive anyone who did that to me. . !"
Kazuma clenches his fist, thinking about the Winter Shogun with barely restrained fury. After that, he just couldn't comprehend how Subaru could talk with Puck as if nothing had happened.
"If I resented every person that ever tried to kill me, the only people I would have left are Beako and Emilia-tan."
". . . ."
Staaaaaaaaaare*
". . . ."
". . .What?"
After an awkward silence, punctuated by a judging stare from Kazuma, Subaru looked over at him confused over why the room had suddenly grown so quiet.
"Oi, don't just say that like its normal! Is there actually something wrong with you. . ?"
He stuck his finger out, quickly casting freeze onto Subaru's ear, which made the knight jump in surprise.
"Wah wah wah? Hey, what the hell are you doing. . !?"
Subaru rubbed his ear with his hand, trying to use friction to put some heat back into it after Kazuma's little stunt.
"My bad, force of habit. You just reminded me of masochist friend of mine."
He smugly laughed, but was quickly slapped on the back of the head by the still-fuming Subaru, letting out a short grumble.
"Weren't we just having a serious discussion?"
A rather potent glare was directed at Kazuma, which he did little to ignore. After all, he had earned it. But, if this guy was willing to forgive murderers, surely he could forgive him for a little prank? Right? Right. . .?
"Yeah, yeah. . .sorry."
". . . ."
". . .Anyway, I suppose there's a few deaths we must not have in common. . . I've been leading a lot of this discussion, so why don't you go through some of yours?"
Kazuma turned to face Subaru again, who looked like he'd recovered and was now pondering over each of his deaths with a renewed interest. There was quite a few to go through, so Subaru was unsure how he could explain everything without thinking about them in too much detail.
"Well, my first death came from an assassin known as the bowel hunter, which. . . ended exactly how you would expect."
Subaru stuck a finger up, staring at the ceiling whilst he ignored the look of horror on the foolish adventurer's face.
"Then I had another encounter with them which resulted in me being disemboweled again. . ."
". . .-hk!
"Got stabbed in the back in an alley, got disemboweled again but didn't die, got cursed and died in my sleep, got my arm chopped off and head caved in, was tortured and had my throat slit, killed myself by jumping off a cliff, got chewed on by a bunch of large dogs but didn't die. . ."
". . .-ack! Stop, stop, stop! What the hell man!?"
Subaru, who had seven fingers up at this point, looked annoyed at having been interrupted and losing his train of thought. It was quite odd that he was listing these deaths off so nonchalantly, but to Subaru, this was the best wat to make sure none of them lingered in his thoughts too long.
"What now?"
"W-Well. . . it's just. .your life freaking sucks man! Have you gotten your stats appraised at all? I need to see your luck stat. . ."
Kazuma gestures to Subaru to hand over his adventurer's card, but Subaru appears confused at what he's asking for, instead giving him a high five.
"No, no, I need your adventurer's card!"
"Huh? I never got one of those. . ."
At this realization, Kazuma had to do a double-take. Did this mean that Subaru had no other abilities besides Return By Death? What the hell kind of isekai adventure had this guy been living!?
"Wow. . .I never thought I'd say this, but. . .perhaps, maybe, Aqua isn't the worst cheat ability."
He had to vomit this admission out, as any praise for that girl virtually guaranteed bad luck will find him in one way or another. However, compared with Subaru, he really couldn't find any way to justify Return by Death being better, even if he desperately wanted to.
That ability was far too cruel.
"Please continue."
Kazuma, now embarrassed when he thought back to everything he spouted off when they first met, resolved to sit through and listen to the rest of Subaru's story.
"Sure, where was I. . .? I believe this is when I first encountered the Witch Cult. . . yeah, so this is when I first got frozen to death, then I got beheaded, frozen to death again, possessed and then beheaded, and then killed myself again. . ."
"W-Wait a second, you killed yourself?!"
Kazuma had completely overlooked the fact that Subaru had killed himself twice. Sure, Kazuma had done so before as well, but their circumstances did not sound similar at all!
"Yeah, when people I care about died. . ."
Subaru looked ashamed to admit this part of the story.
"The same people who killed you. . ?"
Kazuma said this with the most judgmental look he could muster, something Subaru didn't even gratify with a response. There was nothing for him to be ashamed about at this point, he'd already learned to value his life more.
"Yes, but not always. People shouldn't be blamed for things they've never done."
Subaru held firm with his response, staring at the rest of his camp as they playfully lobbed snowballs at one another.
"But they did do them. . ."
Kazuma said this under his breath, quickly understanding that he was banging his head against a brick wall and that he wasn't going to get anywhere with this.
"I was disemboweled again, stabbed to death, devoured by rabbits, stabbed myself with a handkerchief, bled out. . ."
At this point, Subaru's total number of deaths had well-eclipsed the number of fingers on both his hands, resulting in him starting from zero and counting back up using his free hand. Kazuma could hardly keep track of everything he was hearing, feeling almost guilty for forcing this discussion at all. This sort of thing would be much better suited for his companions to listen to than him. What could he even say at this point? He lacked almost all the context by which he could understand these deaths. . .
"And most recently killed by transmuted damage, shock, and bisection."
Subaru said these last ones with a much darker expression in his eyes, almost as if these were still fresh in his memories.
"W-What the hell man. . ? Don't you at least have some abilities to defend yourself?"
"Sort of, but it's difficult because my gate is broken, so I usually end up relying on others."
Kazuma put a hand on his shoulder, unsure of what he could even say to Subaru to try and reciprocate the honesty that had been directed at him just now. It was clear each of these memories were extremely painful for him, this long list he'd given was punctuated by a fast and almost dissociated tone, as if he was getting to the end of it as quickly as possible. There was a lot of details he was probably missing, especially as it pertained to friends who lived/died in each of these loops. Not to mention which deaths were the direct result of these 'friend's' actions.
'I guess I can respond the same way. . .'
"I-I already told you about my first death. . ."
Kazuma said, putting a finger up, ignoring the surprised look from Subaru.
"My second death was being beheaded by the Winter Shogun."
He stuck another finger up, trying his best to play it as cool as Subaru did as he listed out each death. Subaru seemed to be watching intently, wanting to interject, but keeping himself quiet until Kazuma finished his list.
"My third death was from falling, I ended up breaking my neck."
Subaru winced, looking genuinely upset for him as he continued to describe the feeling of contact with the ground. This sensation was not foreign to him either.
"I got dissolved in acid. . ."
Kazuma said offhandedly, in a way that made Subaru have to cough into his fist.
"W-What!?"
"Yeah, one of the demon king's generals happened to be a slime monster, and he ended up eating me. . ."
Subaru looked genuinely surprised to hear of that death, feeling a shiver run up his own spine at the possibility of something like that happening to him. His luck was that bad, just speaking this into existence was enough to make him paranoid.
"I-I don't assume you want to go into any more detail. . ?"
"No, it's fine, Megumin blew us both up anyway so I don't remember the sensation very well."
". . . ."
Subaru looked at him with a shocked expression, which made Kazuma feel slightly insecure. Most of his deaths were not comparable to the stuff Subaru was describing, in fact, most were instant. Some of the ones he'd described sounded like he'd lingered on through some incredible amounts of pain.
"I-It's not that bad. . ! I mean, my next death had me being blown up on purpose using Megumin's magic, so I can confirm it definitely isn't the worst way to die!"
Kazuma tried to walk back his description with a bit of a ridiculous analogy, but it ended up having the opposite effect that he'd intended.
"That's. . . horrific."
"I-Is it!? I'm sure you've been blown up before too right?"
Kazuma didn't realize how insensitive this question would've been if the premise was true, but Subaru simply shook his head left to right without saying anything.
". . .No, I came close during one loop, but one of Julius's spirits shielded me before the blast went off."
He muttered this, contemplating what it might've felt like if things had gone slightly different that day. The feeling might've been over in an instant, but that instant would have been anything but painless. He'd seen the aftermath of that attack on Felix. There were hardly any parts of him left afterwards. If not for him being the most renowned healer in the world, that would've certainly been the end.
His partner's explosion was much stronger than that one. . .
"L-Let's see, where was I. . . ? I got choked to death, eaten by kobolds, eaten by a hydra, and a couple other nonsense deaths that don't really make sense and are honestly too embarrassing to get into."
". . . ."
". . . ."
". . .W-Well, say something at least?! I know I haven't died as many times as you, but it's pretty awkward if y-. . ."
". . !?"
Subaru wrapped an arm around Kazuma, giving him what could only be described as the most cursed hug he'd ever seen. The gesture was appreciated, but Kazuma wasn't prepared so the action made him stutter a couple times before eventually giving up any protests.
"I-I'm sorry."
". . .What are you talking about?"
Subaru had abruptly apologized to him, which made Kazuma turn red with embarrassment. Just as he was about to throw Subaru's arm off him and get out of this awkward position, Subaru began to speak again.
"I-I didn't know that I was treading on such bad memories when I came in here earlier, it was rude of me to pry."
". . .You kidding me? After everything you've been through, this really isn't comparable. . ."
Kazuma muttered that last part to himself, but Subaru could still overhear it.
"Man, I'm such a jerk. I didn't intend to minimize the experiences you've gone through, but that's exactly what I just did."
Subaru said this to Kazuma, who could feel a ball of rage building up in his own chest. This apology made him angrier than all of Subaru's earlier jokes. What exactly had Subaru done besides listing off his own experiences? The only person who had 'minimized' someone here, was Kazuma. It was like this idiot had forgotten all the stuff he'd said earlier. . .
"No, what are you even saying? I was the one who called your life 'carefree' without knowing anything about you. If it'll make you drop it, then just call us even."
Truthfully, they were anything but even if they actually tallied the number of rude things Kazuma had said, but he'd long since figured out that Subaru was the type that was hopelessly critical of himself. This way, Subaru wouldn't argue with him or try to apologize anymore.
"Hey, you know what though? I'm really glad you're the first one to find out."
Subaru spoke with an unreserved smile on his face, standing up and getting out of the hug with a rejuvenated energy.
"What?"
At this point, Kazuma could only look at the enigma that was Natsuki Subaru with a cautious demeanor. He was used to having his deaths laughed at and people actually calling him 'trash'. This reception felt completely foreign to him.
". . .Because you get it."
". . . !"
Almost at once, Kazuma felt the color from his face drain. The thoughts he'd had earlier, the hope that had made him push Subaru outside his comfort zone. . .it had been for the same reason. To find someone else who could understand. Someone who wouldn't laugh at his pathetic deaths. Someone who knew what it was like to be forced into a new world.
He couldn't help but think of the guy that had just told him this, what that journey must have been like.
Not just keeping these horrific memories, but not even being able to discuss them with anyone. Someone who'd gone through hell and back for people who murdered him. Someone who, just like him, had once given up on life and become an Otaku. . .
To have someone like that acknowledge him. . .
"Hey. . ."
Subaru turned back around to face Kazuma, surprised to see him speak again after getting such a reaction out of him.
"You truly are an amazing guy, Natsuki Subaru."
Author's Note:
Wanted to attempt a fic in Isekai Quartet. Let me know what you think. I wonder if I wrote Kazuma well, it was my first time actually writing him. Thanks for putting up with these one-shots. Please keep in mind that I've been rotating around what I work on so I can keep fresh, so this fic is months old, I just put the finishing touches on it today.
