Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious it belongs to Dan Schneider, no cash is being made out of this work of fiction since it's simply written for entertainment purposes only so uh yeah, DONT SUE! Kay?

I felt like giving Tori some kind "parental wisdom" which of course knowing her might turn an extremely awkward situation, worse.

A shout out goes to Lushcoltrane since he gave me this idea long ago but I tweaked it just a bit to serve a more comical end.


Tori stood in front of her son's bedroom door.

"What are you doing Tor?"

The Half-Latina took a deep breath before answering her wife "Trying to get the courage to get in there... You sure you don't want to take my place?"

"Oh hell no!" Jade said back "I won fair the straw thing and square... I'm not getting my mind blowned up again!"

"Some wife you are" Tori muttered.

"The best you'll ever have" Jade teased before she knocked on her son's wooden door then ran away as far as her legs would allow her, which was quite a feast, considering she was wearing some very painful boots.

"Goddamn it Jade!"

"It's open!" The boy's voice came from within.

"Anthony.. Sweety? Can we talk? The Half-Latina was now fidgeting very nervously, not wanting to do what she was about to do, but, as the loving parent of any teenager, it was her duty to do so.

"What's up?" Tony asked.

"Well, that's an invitation if I ever heard one"

Tori entered her only son's room, quetly closing the door before she sat on the nearby desk chair.

"What are you doing?"

Tony looks up from from his notebook, chewing on his pencil in a stare of intense concentration "Trying to come up with a new type of food... You know... something that would make someone's mouth feel like they're having a mini set of fireworks go off"

"Oh, that's cool" Tori said with a proud smile "And... How's it going?"

"Well, I need the ingredients to start experimenting for starters" He answered back "Then, I need the kitchen for at least a week, which I know is asking for much"

"We can talk about that later" Tori spoke nerviously "But erm, now I think we gotta discuss something else"

"Oh? What about Mama?" He asks curiously.

"Well... Son, I think that it's time that we...had a little talk."

Tony raised an eyebrow at his mother. "What sort of talk?." he ask wearily "Oh, let's hope it isn't the conversation Danielle warned me about"

"Mijo. You're sixteen now...and... I sorta noticed you been getting kinda close with Emily... So what I'm trying to say is that there comes a time in every young man's life that..."

"Wait. You mean that you want to have "The Talk" talk?" He interrupted, looking at his mother, albeit a bit horrified. "Oh hell no! My worst fears have come true!"

Tori sunk a little lower into the seat. "Yeah. But...I'm not really sure how to start this kind of a conversation. Okay, so... Girls are like birds...and guys are like bees, so um..." she muttered.

"Oh, please swallow me Earth"

"Mama...It's okay. If this makes you uncomfortable...we can... You know avoid this conversation."

"No. No, Tony we can't just put this this conversation under the rug." Tori sighed "Yes, It's going to be awkward"

"Yeah, no duh mama!"

"Anthony West!"

"Sorry, but come on, do you really want to have this conversation?"

"I don't" Tori admitted reluctantly "But we're going to anyway... It's going to be long and I'm going to ramble, but you're just going to have to put up with it."

"Couldn't we just say we had this conversation and move on with our lives?" Tony suggested desperatedly.

"No!" Tori deadpanned "Look, Mijo...sex is an important part of being human. It involves more than just the physical act of intercourse with another person. male or female, it doesn't matter, what does matter is that it affects how we feel about ourselves as people and it impacts important choices that we make in the long run."

"Ok... I get that" He said at once, trying to avoid anything else coming out of his mother's lip "So uh... we done?"

"All...well...women are soft, Tony, and..." The Brunette continued, almost as if her son hadn't said a word "Almost kinky"

"I'm going to be eternally traumatized by this aren't I?" The teenager thought in dismay.

"You have to be sure to respect the opposite gender if you want them to respect you. You can't go treating any lady that catches your eye roughly."

"Trust me mama, I respect women"

"At least that's something he didn't get from that bastard he shares half of his DNA" The Half-Latina thought evenly. "Good, good, remember that Mijo, you should never lay a hand on a woman unless it's meant to be in a gentle, tender way, do you understand?"

"I understand Mama... But..."

"Now, no buts Tony. We need to talk about this. So... Next thing you should know about is the female anatomy, fortunately for you I'm an expert on that area, just ask your mom"

"I don't think I will" The boy said sickly, looking a little green. "Otherwise I'm sure I'm going to hurl"

"Anthony, this is important." His mother stated "You can't joke about this, much less not being informed. Okay, so women have what's called a vagina, as I'm sure you probably already know."

"Mama! Mama! I'm going to stop you right there!" He shouted as he made a quick 'times out' genture with his hands "You're not about to show me yours just make your point, right?"

"What the?! No! Of course not!"

"Oh thank God" Tony said in relief. "No offense to you Mama but the last thing I need are lasting scarring mental images that could very well turn me gay! Which is not a bad thing! Being gay I mean!" He rambled quickly "But like you mama I want to continue liking girls!"

"Funny you should mention that" Tori says sheepishly "I also had prepared to talk to you about the bees and the um bees in the event that you ever came out of the closet like your sister did."

"MAMA!" Tony screamed out at the top of his lungs, completely mortified, jhe didn't even want to imagine how that would have turned out.

The Half-Latina cleared her throat "Well, moving on... We women have what's known as a womb inside of the vagina and..."

"Mama, I'm begging you to stop right now"

"But we're just getting started!" She protested "You gotta know exactly where your... erm device goes into..."

"I'LL FIGURE IT OUT!" He bellowed out, blushing more than he probably ever had in his life.

"I just's want you to do things safely!" Tori said back "I'm too young to be a grandma"

"Oh Lordy, this can't be happening"

"Now what I'm saying, Tony, is that you need to be careful when you are with your special girl. Do you know about condoms? What they're used for?" Tori asked.

Her son nodded weakly. "For preventing STDs and pregnancy." he said, blushing a bit more, if that was even possible.

"Exactly right. STDs are very serious, and very real. If you are going to be sexually active, as I'm sure you will be, because you are a teenager, will you please just give me peace of mind to know that you are smart enough to use condoms?" The woman asked, placing a hand on her son's shoulder.

Anthony looked anywhere but at his mother, unsure if he would ever be able to look at her the same way again. "I will."

"Good." She sighed "Which is why I thought ahead and brought you these"

The teenager looked curiously as he watch his mother getting something out of her purse.

"Oh, please no... please don't gimme what I think she's going to give me"

But his prayers went unawered since Tori handed him several condoms in a ziplock bag.

"Wha... mama... Why... Oh why would you gimme this many?!"

"Because sex is fun" She replied back in a heartbeat "When you do it with Emily you can't re-use the same one"

"There's gotta be more than thirty condoms in here!" He pointed out, completely mortified "Just what kind of jackrabbit do you take me for?!"

"Well... I was sixteen once too you know" Tori says "At that age when I started to discover my sexuality I started to fantasize about girls, which led to me making good friends with.."

"AHHHH! Can we stop talking about this, please? Before I end up cutting my own ears?!"

Tori looked at her son, who was as red as a tomato, and nodded.

"I guess we can stop the birds and the bees talk." She amended.

The teenager let out a breath. "THANK YOU."

"Just... Don't forget our talk" She requested "Remember, I'm too young to be a grandma, and you're to young to be a father"

"Trust me Mama" Tony muttered as he hid his face. "This conversation is going to haunt me for a very long time"

"Okay...well... Glad we got to spend some time together" Tori said awkwardly "Let's do it again sometime"

"..." Anthony was mortified.

"... I mean, some mother-son time... Not the talk." She croacked "So um... you can go back to your notebook, I'll talk with Jade to let you have the kitchen for a week after this little chat I think you deserve it"

The brunette then walked out of her son's bedroom, kicking herself mentally as she replayed the talk in her mind.

"That... That was a disaster"


As quickly as his mother closed the door, Anthony collapsed onto his bed, soon after his cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Dude, you're not going to believe this."

"Let me guess Em, your dad gave you the talk about the birds and the bees?"

"How did you know?"

"Because my mama just did the exact same thing"

"Holy FUCK!"

"After what just happened I don't want to hear the F word for some time Emily"

His girlfriend winced even thought he couldn't see it "Here, here... I never been so traumatized in my life!"

"Also, Em"

"Yeah?"

"Don't take this the wrong way but after the horrible, extremely embarrassing conversation, I think sex should be off the table" Tony proposed gently "At least until the mental scars go away"

The young blonde shuddered "I second that emotion"


Heh, what did you guys think of this one? Too strange? That was what Jade wanted, she knew Tori was too unprepared and awkward to have the "Sex talk" with their son since she is too much of a dork that it could lead to him putting off sex for as long as possible, evil and sneaky on the former Goth's part, am I right?

By the way, the scene where Anthony jokingly feared about becoming a homosexual was inspired by a deleted scene from Back To The Future, in which Marty McFly truely was scared of turning gay by taking his mother to the dance and somehow screwing up the timeline.

Invader Johnny Signing Off.