Chapter 4 : Your Life Isn't Your Own
Noh still felt incredibly worn when he started to come around at last, the effects of blood loss combined with Tyler's healing showing their effects as he slowly woke up and cracked an eye open to see Jubilee just beside him.
"Seriously, dude, you are the most dramatic person I know," Jubilee said, shaking her head at him before she cracked her gum.
"Oh?" Noh smiled her way. "Is that why you married me?"
She turned his way, blowing a fresh bubble. "No."
"Well, I must be doing something wrong, then," Noh said. "I'm very sorry," he added as he started to sit up a bit, surprised at how tired he was.
Jubilee sighed and shifted to watch him. "Like … I really wasn't expecting you to totally go out of your way to just kick it after you ended up taking over Hala. Not cool, sweetheart."
Noh couldn't help but laugh at her version of events. "What? And miss the opportunity to dance with the most beautiful woman in any universe?"
She reached over to run a hand through his hair. "As much as you hate to hear it — and I hate to say it — if you want to have more time with me, you're going to have to slow down a little bit."
Noh let out a scoffing noise. "Slow down?" he repeated, his tone making it clear what he thought of that.
"You're not healing anymore," she said quietly. "Not without Tyler's help."
That had his attention. He blinked at her for a long moment, his eyes wide, before he shook his head. "That's not… no, there must be some mistake," he said.
"No mistake. James and the Starks are working up a fix."
He frowned at her for a long moment before he breathed out a Kree curse and shook his head, sitting up a bit more and looking frustrated. "I knew that I was slowing down years ago, but I did not realize…." He looked down at the bed he was laid out in and swore again. "I'm done, then."
She gave him a dry look. "Then I guess I'll just tell them to make the hole big enough for two."
"What? No," Noh said, looking shocked.
"If you're going to give up just because you can't act like a 20-year-old, then I should too. I'm older anyhow."
"You haven't run to the end of your rope," Noh argued.
"How would you know that?" Jubilee countered. "You don't know where the end of your rope is, but the way you're talking, I am absolutely at the end of mine."
"Jubilee, you don't understand. The end of my mission should have been decades ago."
"Yeah? I think maybe you don't understand," Jubilee said, eyes flashing. "I should have been dead years before you met me. But it didn't work out that way. So you don't get to give up."
"I didn't," Noh argued. "Not when I started to slow down — which is when I would have gone back to Hala and finished my mission. And now I've stopped healing! I was never designed to go on for this long, Jubilee."
"So, what's your plan now, then, huh?" Jubilee asked, arms crossed as she cocked her hip and tapped one foot.
Noh frowned her way. "I'm… not entirely sure," he said.
But Jubilee didn't have any response for him — short of a few errant sparks that were fizzling and popping from her fingers as she aggressively gnashed on her gum.
Noh dropped her gaze and closed his eyes, honestly unsure of how to proceed, since he really did believe he was through. If he was home, he would have already been dead, but he had no idea what to do with this extended time and with this new twist that had him feeling suddenly impotent and useless.
Which really just left the two of them in silence for a long time.
It was just past dawn when James and Tony showed up looking like they'd been up all night — and they had been — working on the patch to boost Noh's nanites enough that they could repair themselves and work off of the new power system that they'd worked up.
When James dropped into the chair next to Noh, he took a moment to toss a bagel his way, since the two of them had grabbed a bite before coming to Westchester. "You look like someone ran over your dog," James said. "And not at all happy to see us after we worked. so. hard for you."
Noh shook his head at that. "Jubilee and I are … disagreeing."
"What'd you do wrong?" Tony asked with a little frown.
Noh shook his head again. "I simply pointed out that I've reached the end of what I can do."
James frowned deeper at that. "Says who?"
"Come now, little brother. You're the one who was working on these nanites. You know as well as I do how worn down I am. I wasn't meant to go on this long; I've pushed myself decades past when I would have turned myself in back home."
James looked almost as irritated as Jubilee for a moment. "No. All I know is that if anyone — anyone — heard me saying anything close to that, I'd be tied down and read the riot act. You haven't gotten close enough to that yet to say anything like that. So knock it off."
"I don't plan to take my own life, if that's what you're insinuating," Noh said with a frown.
"No, you're just ready to give up," James replied. "And you're not allowed to do that either."
"James, you don't understand," Noh said, sitting up straighter. "I didn't give up. I have kept going long past when I should have been done."
"So have I," James countered, with no small measure of heat. "But I chose to keep going."
"You weren't done," Noh said, shaking his head. "That's different."
"Yes, I was," James replied low. "I shouldn't be here. Especially not if I had your attitude. I was done. I wasn't going to come back. Not until Kitty told me different."
Noh looked shocked as he stared at James. "Kitty?" he repeated, suddenly losing a lot of his heat. "When did you…"
James gave him a look. "When we went after that Marine."
"I had no idea you were that far gone."
"I haven't exactly spread it around," James said. "And for everything Tony knew, he wasn't going to say anything unless it was already over. Right?" James turned toward Tony, who, up until just then hadn't even attempted to join the conversation, though on being prompted, he nodded shortly.
Noh stared at James for a moment longer before he let out a long breath and shook his head. "You still have so much you can do, James. I… was supposed to be a tool for the Empire. I was designed, James, and not for sitting around doing nothing."
"You really think that after everything that was done to me, the metal, the manipulation … what the hell do you think I'm supposed to be?"
"You were born to a family, James," Noh shot back. "You were not designed."
"There are exactly seventy-three weapons programs around the globe that disagree with that entirely," James pointed out.
"They're wrong," Noh said.
"I don't know," James said with an easy shrug. "By your measure and theirs, I was bred to be a weapon."
Noh shook his head, his eyes narrowed. "Things are different in this universe. Whatever others think, you were born to a world of your choosing."
"And by that argument, you're here in our world. Whatever you were designed for doesn't matter anymore."
"James, I don't have anything to give to this world anymore!" Noh said, clearly frustrated.
James let out a breath and stared at his hands for a moment. "I told you I saw Kitty. And that I chose to come back. But that isn't exactly … we had enough time to talk. Enough that she had the time to talk me into coming back."
"And this world is better for it," Noh said, frowning James' way.
James shook his head. "She told me that I didn't have a real choice in it if I gave a damn about anyone here. It doesn't matter how you spend your time or what you want to do. Your life isn't your own. You're supposed to live it for the people that love you and support you and try to raise you up." He looked up at Noh. "So go ahead and tell me how she's wrong. Look me in the eye and tell me my sister who didn't get to choose is wrong. Tell me I made the wrong call, Noh, because if not for her, I wasn't going to come back."
Noh looked almost entirely caught off his guard as he stared back at James with wide eyes. "I… have no argument," he said at last, in a much softer tone than he had been using.
"The fact that you have a choice makes it clear. You're not done," James said with a little growl. "Jubilee will tell you when you're done. Or Sying will. Ael. The twins. But you don't get to say anything like that to them. Ever. Not without looking me in the face and telling me that I didn't screw up by coming back, because you should know how easy it would have been to just … Not. And for once, no one would have gotten mad at me. I would have died with honor."
Noh watched James for a long time, all but holding his breath, before he finally, slowly, nodded. "You … mentioned that you and Tony had worked on something," he said quietly.
James let out a breath and gestured to Tony. "Just something to make things a little easier for you."
Tony looked between the two of them, obviously taking a minute to see if they were really through with their moment — and more than a little off his guard emotionally after all he'd heard. But when it was clear that the two of them were waiting on him, he stepped forward with the small case they had brought.
"So," he said gently, "the problem as we understand it is that you've been powering your nanites internally, and the older you get, the less they've got to draw from. We figured we'd introduce something else to power you along." He popped open the case to show Noh the glowing containers of nanite technology. "I hope you're okay with some good old-fashioned arc reactor tech running in your veins. It's not the fancy Kree stuff you're used to, but hey, it'll keep you going and should even help you heal from some of the hits you guys take. Obviously, nothing fatal, but in the event of an emergency, you're not gonna kick it."
Noh nodded slowly along to all of Tony's explanation. "Thank you," he said, looking more toward James than Tony. He sat up a little straighter and held out his arm. "Let's put Jubilee's mind at ease, then. If you could work quickly… I believe I need to find her to apologize."
James nodded and went to send Hank in, obviously in a mood after all that. "I'm sure you'll be outta here in no time."
Noh nodded but didn't say anything further, still obviously digesting what James had said himself, though thankfully, Hank was every bit the professional as he simply worked to get Noh set up with the Stark tech.
"Kids, huh?" Tony said as Hank left the two of them.
Noh shook his head lightly. "He has always been far more than that," he said, looking toward where James had walked off before he got to his feet and nodded to himself. "Thank you, again, for your help."
"We have some common threads," Tony said. "I think it's smart to keep 'em together."
Noh let out a breath of a laugh and nodded slowly. "Yes, well. I don't suppose you saw my Jubilee when you came here?"
"I did not," Tony admitted. "But … if you're smart, and I know you are … you might want to inhale that bagel before you go looking. That tech will power itself, but that doesn't mean you don't need to refuel too."
Noh nodded at that. "And beyond that, it's apparent I need to do a better job keeping up my own body if I'm to follow James and Kitty's advice."
"Yeah, that … I didn't know about that part," Tony admitted.
"I doubt very much that it's something he wanted to share with… well, anyone."
"No, I'm sure," he agreed. "Kid plays it close to the vest."
"It's a genetic predisposition," Noh agreed before he took a large bite of the bagel and tipped his head Tony's way. "I'll see you later, I'm sure," he said.
"Yeah, I'm just … gonna go check on him and maybe make sure that Maria doesn't need anything," Tony said, one eye closed as he walked backwards.
Noh couldn't quite help but smirk at that before he headed off, grabbing some more food once he'd dispatched the bagel faster than he expected and then testing out a bit of speed. His powers hadn't been affected beyond the healing, so he decided that with such a big problem of his own creation, the best thing to do would be to pick up some dumplings and noodles before he found Jubilee.
When he did find her, she was sitting with their boys for breakfast, but he scooped her up and carried her off faster than she could argue it, coming to a stop further out on the grounds where he had a blanket spread out with the food he'd picked up before he set her down gently.
"I must apologize to you, Jubilee," he said as he sat down beside her.
"I am listening," she said slowly.
He took a deep breath and let it out, watching her with a quiet frown. "I have been incredibly selfish, my Jubilee. I was so caught up in what I thought I was supposed to be and what I was told to be that I didn't consider what I am — and that is a husband and a father, first and foremost."
She tipped her chin up, one eye closed as she watched him. "Go on."
He reached over to take her hand as he let out a longer breath. "You have to understand, Jubilee. I never, ever intended to hurt you. Where I'm from, I would have been dead twenty years ago, and I simply couldn't wrap my mind around a different ending for myself."
"I get that," Jubilee said, keeping a perfectly straight face. "But I am ashamed for you for wallowing in the 'would have' and 'should have's."
Noh shook his head at that. "Yes, I know. And I should be incredibly ashamed, not just for being caught up in that mindset but for forgetting that I have learned to be so much more here — with you. Because of you." He leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I don't know why I let myself forget that."
"And … you've been here, in this world, with me, longer than you were in your world. This is your world. Deal with it."
"It is my world, and I love it," Noh agreed quickly. "And I feel I was always meant to be here. With you."
Jubilee thought about it for a moment before she nodded once, quickly. "Well. Whatever pulled your head out … good."
"Believe it or not, it was James," Noh said, leaning over to kiss her cheek. "He reminded me that my mission in life is not predicated on my ability to fight but my capacity to love and be loved."
"Well," she said, finally giving him a kiss in return. "He is a genius. Glad to see you taking notes."
Noh nodded. "I truly am sorry, Jubilee. I promise you: I am not going to give up. And you have my full permission to knock sense into me should I ever be so foolish as to forget that again."
She let out a bark of a laugh at that. "Like I need your permission to slap some sense into you." She kissed him hard and then pinched his cheek. "So cute you think you can direct this boat."
He smirked at that. "My life, as ever, is yours, Jubilee."
"And mine is yours," she said with an honest smile. "So let's make the most of it."
Even though Noh had promised Jubilee that he would be there for her, he was still upset about not healing. For as much as he agreed that he couldn't give up, he had always assumed that he would fall in battle at some point. Old age was so anathema to how he'd been raised that he genuinely hadn't considered it as a possible path to his end.
And so, as much as he was doing the right thing and making the right promises, he was still up in the middle of the night, his mind going a mile a minute as he considered his own mortality.
He'd been so thrilled to see Melody on the throne. He had been so proud. And, as Kate often told him, pride was dangerous. He'd really been asking to be hit in the face with reality, as she would say.
He sighed and slipped carefully out of the bed. It was three in the morning, and at that point, he was sure he wasn't actually going to fall asleep. Perhaps a good walk around the grounds would help him to clear his head.
He hadn't gotten far at all, though, before he heard, down the hall, a child crying. No, two children crying.
Frowning, Noh peeked into Krissy and Sying's suite to see if he could help and found Krissy sitting on their couch, her fur wet underneath her eyes from crying. Philip was beside himself crying in her arms, and Ariel had her head underneath Krissy's arm, trying to cling onto her mom as much as she could when Philip was being so unreasonable. Ariel's tail was wrapped around Krissy, but so was Philip's.
Krissy's head came up fast when she heard the door open, but when she saw Noh standing there, she looked even more like she might fall apart crying. "She had a nightmare," Krissy explained in a bare whisper that he could hear even with the kids crying as hard as they were. "And it woke Philip…"
Noh slipped into the room and closed the door behind him, sitting down by Krissy and holding his arms out in an invitation. He didn't care which of his grandchildren he held, but it was abundantly clear that Krissy needed help, and he couldn't ignore that.
Before Krissy could shift to hand the baby to Noh, Ariel latched onto Noh, practically climbing him to hook her hands around his neck and bury her face in his shoulder, well past the point of hysteria so that she was hiccoughing and taking stuttering breaths every time she tried to breathe in. She was nowhere close to being able to use words to explain what was going on with her, so Noh simply pulled her into a tight hug, stroking her hair and shushing her.
"Where is Sying?" Noh asked softly when Ariel, at last, shifted from ear-piercing screams to stuttering gasps and whimpers.
Krissy looked like she might start crying herself but bit her lip and shook her head, pointing with her tail toward their bedroom door. "I can't help him when the kids are screaming."
"Ah." Noh nodded, remembering only too well how often Sying had wound up curled up in a ball and completely overwhelmed. If that was happening again, it was completely understandable, given their recent experience with captivity. But that meant Krissy was trying to do it all herself.
"I can take her," Krissy started to offer, but Noh shook his head.
"You don't need to lose yourself like this, Krissy," he told her gently. "You can ask for help. It's not a failing to need an extra pair of hands."
Krissy sniffled and nodded. "I'm just trying to…" She trailed off. "You know."
Noh nodded again. "I can ask Jubilee to come attend to Sying. I'm sure he wouldn't object to help from his mother."
"He feels so bad," Krissy whispered.
"It's not his fault," Noh said.
"I know."
"Let me finish." Noh readjusted the way he was holding Ariel, who was starting to fall asleep now that she wasn't as panicked and now that she had her grandfather with her. It probably helped that Noh was there, because she'd been through an ordeal of her own and had seen her father, uncle, and grandfather hauled off in front of her. "It's not his fault, but that doesn't mean you have to bear it alone."
"I'm trying to be there for them," Krissy explained.
Noh smiled. "You know," he said softly, "sometimes, this universe has ways of sending its messages. Just this evening, I was reminded that my life is not my own, that I have so much of myself to give to those around me. And here I think that you've learned that lesson a little too well." He reached out with one hand to squeeze her arm. "Your life is yours too, Krissy. You are a wonderful daughter-in-law and a doting mother. And you are also Krissy. Please don't forget that."
Krissy bit her lip to keep from crying, but she couldn't quite hold it back. And then, with an almost-sob, she simply leaned against Noh's shoulder, quietly crying while they waited for the two little ones to drift back to sleep.
