"What do you mean she had to leave?!" a bewildered Arthur raised his voice at a teary-eyed Merlin, ignoring the folded paper that he was handing him in favour of clenching his jaw in frustration.
The young sorcerer released a shaky sigh and gulped before responding softly, "She was needed back in America..."
"So she simply left?!" the Prince questioned as his breathing began to grow slightly laboured under the twisting pain he felt in his chest. His hands fisted the sheets beneath him on his bed in an attempt to keep his body from trembling from the wild emotions that were brewing in his soul.
Merlin gave up on trying to get him to grab the letter and simply kept it in his hand for a later moment.
"What about Camelot?!" Arthur continued in an outrage. "What about my father? What about–?" he cut himself off before he could say 'me' and his anger only grew. He should have never allowed himself to care so much! "I thought she was loyal to us!"
He had woken up from Anhora's drought only an hour after Astraea had left and, much to Merlin's dismay, she had been the first thing he had asked for almost as soon as his eyes had opened. The young sorcerer had hoped that he would have more time to process his own feelings, as well as figure out a safe way to explain things to the Pendragon heir; but, obviously, things hadn't worked out in his favour. In any case, the reaction wasn't unexpected.
"It was not easy for her, Arthur!" Merlin defended his best friend as a single tear streamed down his cheek.
"How could you let her go!?" the Prince's attacks continued.
The sorcerer averted his gaze as his heart clenched in his chest. If only he could tell him the truth… but Astra had made him promise that no one would find out and the rational side of him agreed with that, knowing that the true story was too insane. He would sooner lose his head than see the Pendragon boy believe that time-travel is real.
Arthur's eyes also had tears pooling in them, now, and he looked down to hide that fact from his servant while all kinds of thoughts swirled around his mind. "Did we really mean that little to her?" he asked in a whisper as he fought hard to restrain the sobs that were caught in his throat.
"It was not like that, Arthur," Merlin responded weakly. "She cares about us. More than you will ever know. But she did not have a choice."
"She did have a choice!" Arthur roared. "Everyone always has a choice!"
He had tried so hard to be someone she wouldn't be disappointed with! He had tried hard to become braver when standing up to his father, he had tried to become kinder and more considerate, he had tried to stop being so presumptuous… And for what?! Just to have his heart torn out of his chest?! Maybe she was too upset about the curse he had brought upon Camelot and she decided that there are better things for her out there… Maybe he deserves this pain… Maybe he simply isn't good enough for her…
"It was a very difficult thing for her," Merlin stated firmly, in defiance of the sinking feeling in his chest. "Just know that she truly cares for you," he added and threw the letter at the Prince's lap before leaving. He didn't have the energy to deal with him.
Arthur watched his servant go and then gazed down at the piece of paper in his lap. He narrowed his eyes at it for a few moments before he let out a shaky sigh and relented to picking it up and unfolding it.
The penmanship was very messy – clearly Astra had struggled to write it, and he recalled a moment some days prior when he'd entered her room to find her grumbling at a pen. It didn't take him long to adapt his mind to the scribbled letters and he was soon able to read the contents.
'Artie,
'I'm sorry that I didn't get the chance to say goodbye properly. I should've told you sooner, but I couldn't find the right words. I still can't. Everything's a crazy mess and I really don't wanna go. But I don't have a choice.
'Please don't go into any more caves alone. Or try to fight knights with magic shields. Definitely don't challenge evil undead knights to any fights. And listen to Merlin. He's always right. Almost always.
'You're a good man, with a noble heart, and I know that you're gonna be an awesome king one day.
'I'm really gonna miss you.
'– Astra
'PS: sorry about the tear stains /'
If she meant everything she wrote… about him having a good heart… and his ability to become a great king one day… Then why did she leave?! It doesn't make any sense!
Arthur's heart couldn't take it any longer and his body finally overpowered his mind and forced him to cry, his tears joining Astra's on the paper parchment as he clutched it to his chest and dropped his head.
He'd never felt pain like this before – and he has been training as a knight since he could walk! The girl had come into his life in the blink of an eye and turned it upside down before leaving it just as quickly. One thing was for certain, though – he would never be the same arrogant prat she'd met on the training field almost a year before.
In between irreverent behaviour and unintelligible jokes, she had demonstrated, through actions and the occasional wise speech, what it means to be truly noble; and she had unknowingly pushed him to become a better man. Arthur was truly grateful for it. He only wished he could've told her how much she means to him.
San Antonio, Texas
September, 2022
'My Own Soul's Warning' by The Killers played through my earbuds and my jaw clenched when the line 'I just wanted to get back to where you are…' struck at my heart, but I didn't let the emotions affect my countenance any further as I kept on playing 'Subway Surfers' on my phone while doing my best to tune out the world around me. There was nothing interesting going on inside the old beige building, in any case.
Aunt Kelly sat next to me, her eyes fixed on a fashion magazine while she laughed on the phone, the somewhat annoying sound echoing through the warm waiting room.
The air conditioning was allegedly broken, so a couple of irritatingly noisy portable fans were the only things keeping me from roasting alive in the late summer heat. Especially as I refused to take off my navy blue Captain America sweatshirt, for certain reasons.
The song continued to spread pain through my veins and I gulped.
Now, you might call me a masochist. Why on Earth would I want to listen to sad music while I'm sad? Wouldn't it be better to play something joyous to lift my mood? Well – no. That'd be like seasoning a Mediterranean salad with chocolate syrup.
My earbud was suddenly yanked from me, making me gasp and turn my head to face my Aunt. She gave me a disapproving look and then she motioned towards something behind me. I turned around and found Dr. Linda Rodriguez leaning against the door to her office, her arms crossed as she regarded me stoically. I sighed and paused the game and the music before tucking my phone into my crossbody bag and standing up, following the doctor inside.
The room was small and plain. The walls were white, the floor was carpeted with a dusty beige fabric, and a small, sealed window gave us a bird's-eye-view of the city below us. Beside it was a moss green mid-century sofa with cream-coloured cushions, and in front of that stood a black faux leather desk chair beside a rustic floor lamp that wasn't plugged in. In the middle of the room was a simple wooden table – probably from IKEA – with a cherry-scented candle upon it, which did a crappy job of masking the slightly nauseating smell of chicken nuggets that plagued the space.
"So, how are you feeling today?" Dr. Rodriguez asked in her irritating squeaky voice as she sat down on the desk chair, motioning for me to sit on the sofa. I sighed and plopped down on it, instantly lifting my legs to place them on the table. The olive-skinned woman gave me a pointed look, but I ignored it.
"I'm all right," I replied with a nonchalant shrug as my hands automatically went to fiddle with the spare hair-tie and faux leather bracelets I carried around my wrist.
"Really?" she questioned while raising a thick black eyebrow. "Because you look like you haven't slept in weeks."
I scoffed and mirrored her expression, "Well, you know I've been studying for the stupid G.E.D."
"Is that the only reason why you've been stayin' up?"
"Yup," I lied while looking her straight in her dark brown eyes.
She made a 'duck-face' as she typed something on her iPad. In the three sessions I'd had with her, I'd noticed that she made that facial expression quite often, and I found it increasingly annoying.
"How have you been settlin' back in with your family?" was her next question.
I shrugged, "Nothing's changed. Gus is always at work, Kelly works most afternoons, and Olly's rarely home."
"And how does that make you feel?"
I rolled my eyes, knowing the answer she was fishing for – but I wasn't gonna give it, "Well, they're happy livin' their lives, which is nice to know as I live mine."
The woman made a stupid 'duck-face' again as she typed something else.
"What was your routine like, when you were away?" she wondered, crossing her legs as she looked at me expectantly, causing me to smirk.
"You know I can't tell you any details," I said coyly.
"I'm aware that you can't go into specifics, but you can tell me what your days were like without revealing any classified information," Dr. Rodriguez noted.
You see, when I returned from… y'know… After passing out and waking up in a hospital, Leo warned me that no one could know the specifics of what had happened to me. Him, the high school, and my Uncle had worked hard to keep the little science project away from prying eyes (against Mason and Henry's wishes), out of fear that the machine would be seized by people with less-than-noble intentions; so its existence was really just a vague rumour as far as the rest of the world was concerned. I'd even had to sign a legal document that ensured I would keep quiet; and my therapist had been made to sign one as well, since she had to know the basics of what had happened in order to 'help' me get acclimated to the twenty-first century once more.
I like that Leo took these measures. Who knows what certain individuals or institutions would do if they found out that dragons, and magic, and freaking Camelot were real? I don't think anyone wants to see Bill Gates flying around on Kilgharrah…
"You may even change names, if you think it necessary," the psychologist added.
Oh, goody! I sighed and brought my legs to my chest, resting my chin on top of my knees. "I would wake up, have breakfast with my friends… Harry Potter and… Yoda, take Dallas out for exercise, and then hang out with them again, or with Ken, or whomever was available," I replied, averting my gaze as I felt a lump form in my throat when the memories flashed through my mind.
"It sounds like you had an active social life," the woman commented.
I scoffed and mumbled, "I only really talked to a handful of people."
"And how many people have you talked to since the last time you were here?" she questioned.
I bit down on my bottom lip, "Uh. Well. There's Kelly and Gus. The woman at the desk. I talked on the phone with Sage the other day. And, uh, I ordered a pizza the other night…"
"What about any friends?" Dr. Rodriguez wondered when I trailed off. She had to go there, didn't she?
"Just. Y'know. Busy with uni and stuff," I replied as I looked out the window.
November, 2022
I slowed down Dallas into a trot as soon as we finished the challenging jumping course that our new trainer had set up for us, allowing him to stretch his neck and regulate his vital signs. Uncle Gus had hired her in hopes that she might be able to get my horse and I back into shape by January so that we can return to the competition world. (Not that I thought we needed any help with that.)
"Impressive," the trainer stated, though her face remained stoic.
I turned to her, forcing a small grin as I fed my horse a handful of alfalfa pellets as a reward for the great job he'd done. "I told you he could do it," I replied.
Elisa sighed, "Yeah, but I still don't like that you don't use a bridle. It can easily go wrong." I only rolled my eyes in response.
Gustab had good intentions, but he hadn't checked to make sure that her principles aligned with mine, and it was quickly becoming an issue as she constantly pressed for me to change my methods.
I entered the house and went straight towards the fridge once the trainer had left, pulling out an energy drink. I try to avoid excessive sugars, but I felt like it was justified this time. Dallas and I had had an intense show-jumping session and I felt exhausted as my legs trembled a little from the effort.
Getting to work with Dallas is the sole reason why I force myself out of bed, lately. I admit that I have missed the thrill of show jumping; and I do kinda have my hopes set on getting into a university with an equestrian team, which means that my beloved horse and I need to rack up a strong résumé if we want to get a nice spot. Hence Elisa.
"Oh, good! You're back!" I jumped at hearing my Aunt's voice, not having expected her to be home.
"Hey. Yeah," I replied, taking a deep breath to calm my suddenly racing heart.
"C'mere, take a look at this," she called from her place at the kitchen table, where her laptop sat. I took another gulp from my drink before moving to sit next to her. Kelly turned her laptop towards me and I frowned when I saw what she was looking at. It was a website from a university in Florida.
"This one looks perfect for you! They've got the animals thing you wanna study, and a jumping team!" she exclaimed.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "I thought I'd be applying to Texas A ," I said blankly.
"Yes, but you should keep your options open. You were gone for a long time and some schools might ask some things you might not be able to answer," she explained her reasoning.
"Sure, but you know I want something nearby. Otherwise, I'd have to move elsewhere, along with Dallas. Or even worse, leave him behind, and that's not happening," I argued and stood back up.
"I just want what's best for you, Astraea," Kelly seemed offended now as I walked away from her.
"And I'm grateful for that, but you know that I don't wanna leave home," I replied, then gulped as the last word caused my heart to clench.
"Ya' can't stay here forever, Star. There's a big world out there and I'd hate for you to miss it," she called out as I rushed upstairs to my room.
Home.
The word kept spinning around my head, prompting me to put in my earbuds and play music while I tried to sort through my thoughts.
My Uncle's little ranch in San Antonio had been the only 'home' I'd ever known – until my life had been turned upside down. I'd never given the concept much attention. It was simply the place where I lived. I knew that Gus and Kelly had it really rough when I was suddenly forced into their family. They did their best to raise me in a safe environment. But I'd always felt like an outsider. And I didn't even realise it until I got to experience something different.
Now, when I think of the word 'home', what pops into my head is the memory of Gaius's cosy apartment. The taste of a warm bowl of oatmeal with a dash of cinnamon and cane sugar. Long talks about anything and everything with him and Merlin that often ended with our cheeks stained in tears from how hard we'd laugh… And my best friend's kind blue eyes gazing into mine every time I spoke. He always listened, no matter how ridiculous I was being.
But it extends beyond the small quarters. The council chamber had felt a lot like home every hour I'd spent helping Uther with boring paperwork. He, too, always seemed to listen to my crazy ideas, and he appreciated my insight. Then I thought of the paddocks where I'd spent countless hours working with Dallas… and Cinderella… I thought of the training grounds where I'd often go to sit if I was bored and watch as Arthur trained with the knights.
And Arthur. Well, he was… just… something I could never decipher. All I know is that he made me feel something I'd never known before. I complained often about how my stomach would buzz, and how my heart would behave erratically, and how my brain would think things without my permission… but now, I would give anything to experience all that one more time.
There must be something really wrong in the way my brain is wired if I only ever managed to find a 'home' in a place where I was never supposed to be.
December, 2022
My eyes travelled towards my phone sitting atop my bedside table and I groaned when I saw the bright white numbers marking 3:21. I've been tossing and turning for almost five hours, unable to achieve sleep even after my tear-ducts had been squeezed dry.
Life just sucks right now. Dr. Rodriguez kept insisting that everything will get better as time goes by and I get used to living in modern times again; and that I will eventually start to forget about… that place – but the opposite seems to be occurring.
I could never forget. Not about the place, and certainly not about the wonderful people in it.
No amount of music or stupid sit-coms will ever drown out the wailing of my soul. No amount of crying will ever drain me of the pain I feel in my heart. No amount of slashes to my arms will ever distract me from the agonising thoughts in my head.
Giving up on sleeping, I left my room through the window, jumped off the roof, and lazily walked towards the barn while ignoring the wild winter winds. I climbed onto that roof, and laid down on my back, gazing up at the stars above me.
A sharp head-ache settled in as I tried to latch onto a single thought that didn't involve… that place, with no luck. Instead, my mind taunted me by pointing out how those were the same stars that the people in… that place used to see at night fifteen centuries ago.
I wish I could be with my best friend, laying next to him on one of the grass fields outside the castle and discussing how the names of most constellations don't actually match their shapes. Perhaps Arthur would join us… Instead, I'm alone… on a dirty rooftop on a freezing December night, with tears streaming down my cheeks once more… and an unbearable pain tearing through my guts.
And with nothing but my PJs to cover my body, I realised as a violent shiver shook me… It's all right, though. I like the cold… It kinda slows down my thoughts, doesn't it?… It feels nice… I wish I didn't have to… think anymore.
My right hand twirled my old Swiss blade around as I debated whether to use it again or not. No one will know, no one has ever found out. But… well, it doesn't really distract me anymore, does it? Nothing seems to work… not even Dallas.
So I simply closed my eyes and continued listening to my music as my breathing started to slow down, much like my thoughts, and my body began to grow numb from the cold.
I thought that the universe was playing a hilarious joke on me when 'Long, Long Way From Home' by Foreigner came on.
My senses returned to planet Earth to the sound of a steady beeping, an odourless environment, and the feeling of a firm mattress underneath me. I forced my eyes to open and then blinked rapidly as I tried to adjust to the bright white light that shone above me.
A groan escaped my lips as I looked around at the monotonous room. A machine stood next to me. It seemed to be keeping track of vital signs… I turned to my other side and recoiled when I found a muscular black-haired man dressed in scrubs sleeping on a chair. Next I saw a plastic bag hanging from a hook above me, from which a narrow tube emerged. I followed it and realised that it was connected to my exposed arm through a needle. My eyes widened at the sight.
How many people saw the slashes and the scars!?
"Hey!" I called to the man on the chair as my heart began to race, making the monitor go crazy. He jumped and his eyes shot open. "What the heck happened?" I asked him as his honey-coloured irises landed on me.
He cleared his throat, "You're at the hospital."
I raised an eyebrow, "Thanks, I hadn't noticed."
"You were brought in about two days ago for hypothermia," he explained, ignoring the remark.
I tilted my head. How the hell did I get hypothermia?
"Uh… your uncle found you on a rooftop," the man explained further, seemingly reading my mind. "You were very lucky that he did so in time to save your life."
Oh, yeah. I remember climbing on the barn and falling asleep.
"Well, where's he? And my Aunt?" I wondered as I frowned.
The man looked down as he bit his lip. "Uh. Colorado," he replied sheepishly.
How strange. We only go to Colorado on... "Wait, is it–?"
I was cut off, "Christmas? Yes."
I looked down as I felt a pang in my chest. I mean, I get it, I've been a b*tch to them lately and I can't imagine they were too happy to find me on the roof. Especially after they'd found out that Dr. Rodriguez hadn't truly discharged me, as I'd told them. I'd just stopped going 'cause the sessions were pointless.
"I'm sorry. They were worried, obviously, but they didn't want to lose the plane tickets," the nurse, or whatever, said with a sympathetic look.
"Of course they didn't," I mumbled as I laid back down.
Would it have been so bad if my uncle hadn't found me on time?
"I need to run a few tests to ensure there wasn't any damage done to your organs. Is that all right?" the man asked after he was done looking at me as if I were a wounded puppy.
Fear struck at my chest at the thought of more needles being inserted into my body and a shiver ran down my spine. If only Arthur…
I wish my uncle hadn't found me.
"Whatever," I mumbled, not bothering to look at the nurse as he went to fetch some equipment.
I got the guy to take me back to the farm after he confirmed that I was okay. He was wary about leaving me alone and made me promise I would call if anything happened after giving me his phone number… Yeah, right.
Gus and Kelly returned from their trip five days later, and they were very excited to tell me all about it.
"You would've loved it, kid," Gus told me as he patted my shoulder on his way to the kitchen. "There was a big reunion in Jamie's house n' I think you could've made some nice friends."
"I'm sure," I muttered in reply.
The man stopped and frowned at me. "Have you spoken to Dr. Rodriguez?" he asked. I shook my head in response. "Well, do it. She's been expecting a call for over a week," he informed me before he kept walking.
"What were you thinking, Astraea?! You had us worried sick!" Kelly spoke, raising her voice.
"Clearly," I mumbled, rolling my eyes in annoyance as I continued to stuff my face with bits of maple-syrup-covered waffles. I couldn't wait to finish my breakfast so that I could return to my room.
"What's that supposed to mean?" the dark-skinned woman wondered. I only gave her a shrug.
"Astraea – what has gotten into you?!" my uncle asked, his eyes widening in bewilderment.
I simply shook my head and rushed outside as tears threatened to start spilling out again. I desperately needed someone to hold onto, and the only one who could give me the comfort I needed at the moment was Dallas.
I ran to where he stood grazing in his paddock and threw my arms around his fluffy neck, burying my face in his cream-coloured mane. He turned his head to nudge my side, and that was all the reassurance I needed to know that it was safe to cry, now.
My mind went back to that time after the battle in Ealdor, when Arthur had held me safely in his arms, and my knees gave out as I collapsed to the damp dirt beside my horse, feeling as if my heart was being pulled through my chest.
Uncle Gustab and Aunt Kelly went off to a New Year's Eve party in the city, leaving me to spend the holiday alone – which was a thousand times better than having to be around a bunch of strangers while having my eardrums shattered by loud music and my eyes destroyed by blinding lights. Oliver took his girlfriend to Switzerland for the holidays, and Sage stayed in California with her husband's family. She tried to get me to fly over, but I didn't feel like it whatsoever. Especially not when I needed the plan that was brewing in my mind to stay under the radar.
The plan is incredibly selfish. And dangerous. But I cannot see another way out. Well, I can, but it's not a route I wanna take unless this plan doesn't work out. One chance to restore everything I lost…
Perhaps I was never supposed to be in… Camelot. But I now know for a fact that I don't belong in Texas either. And sure, any rational person would simply have applied to universities abroad and solved the problem that way… But not me. Because that would not take me back to my friends. And, lucky for me, I have access to something that no one else has.
It's incredibly selfish and dangerous. But I'm gonna do it, or go down trying.
Maybe I should've waited until morning – considering that it was 23:45 on 31 December – but I couldn't find it within myself to care about that fact. I paused 'Big Time Rush' on my laptop and grabbed my phone, quickly searching for Lionelo Hargrove's contact and typing a quick message. Then I curled back up with my Avengers blanket and continued to watch the comforting show.
I'm going home, even if it's incredibly selfish and dangerous.
