Chapter 11: Apologies
Ratchet transformed as he came to the top of the hill near the beach where he knew he'd find Shadebreaker. At first he'd feared she'd left base when she'd portaled away from the meeting, but after a brief discussion with Optimus he'd realized that wasn't the case. Optimus was kept up to date with any comings and goings from the base by the humans manning the security post and they would've alerted him if Shadebreaker had not reappeared elsewhere on base. So he'd guessed she'd come here to soothe her spark.
Gazing out at the sand he saw he'd been right. Sitting in the sand at the edge of the water was Shadebreaker, facing the water. She sat where the waves met the sand, pushing up and around her occasionally with the push and pull of the ocean currents. Her wings were wrapped around her as if they were a blanket and he could see that she was resting her helm on her knees.
Ratchet sighed, second guessing whether he should be here at all. He doubted she'd want to see him after the way he'd treated her. He knew she had said she didn't blame him, but he'd probably still hurt her. Just as he had been hurt by her. But she hadn't ripped a friendship bond from his spark while he had a questionable understanding of what was even going on. Whatever discomfort the coming conversation would entail, he deserved it.
Shadebreaker shifted a touch as he approached and then a little bit more when he hesitated a few steps behind her. She glanced back and up at him and he saw tear tracks on the side of her face he could see. His spark ached seeing that she had been out here crying.
"I brought you some energon," Ratchet said gruffly, his medical training having him immediately looking over the marks on her wings from the cuffs. He knew they couldn't feel well yet. "And pain pills for your arm and shoulder."
Shadebreaker heaved a sigh, and placed her helm back on her knees, looking back out at the ocean. "I'm not hungry."
Ratchet sighed and then moved closer, suppressing a shudder as the cold water washed over his pedes. He waited a moment for the waves to pull back out before taking a seat next to her. He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Do I need to make it doctor's orders?"
Shadebreaker sighed again. "I'm processing too much emotion, Ratchet," she said. "I have no appetite. I could sip on it, I suppose."
"I can accept 'sipping on it,'" Ratchet said dryly.
Shadebreaker sighed again and wiped at her optics. "Ok," she said quietly. She shifted as he took out the energon he'd mixed for her. She accepted it and looked at it for a moment, then at him. "I'm sorry, Ratchet." There was a lot of emotion in her voice. "It must've hurt you so much to think I'd betrayed you. Especially after I told you what I did about my old friend. I hope you know, that wasn't what I wanted. I only wanted to catch the shifter."
Ratchet sighed, looking away. "I know, Shade'," he said, looking out at the ocean. "I know."
"But I did hurt you," Shadebreaker said, sounding sadder than he'd heard her yet. Ratchet thought she might cry some more.
"I hurt you, too," Ratchet said. "When I rejected you and ripped our friendship bond from you."
Shadebreaker looked at him, expression reading surprise that her visor couldn't hide. Her wings tightened around herself a little. "That's why it felt like my spark was being ripped out of my chest," she said. It was the statement of realization, of discovery. Of a scientist finding the answer to a puzzle they'd had difficulty with. "I'd assumed it was just because of how deeply I feel everything…that it was a me thing…"
"Aw Shade'," Ratchet said, starting to reach for her and then hesitating.
"It hurt so much, Ratchet," Shadebreaker said and tears did start falling again. "And it wouldn't stop hurting. I didn't know what to do, except block it out. It still hurts."
"I know, Shade', I know," Ratchet said gently. Now he did reach out and touch her, rubbing her back across her shoulder blades. "I'm afraid it will hurt for some time."
Shadebreaker sniffed, wings pulling tighter around her again and Ratchet flinched. She still hadn't even touched her energon.
"There-" Ratchet started, but hesitated because he wasn't sure how to broach the subject. "There is a way we could ease the pain, though."
"Yeah?" Shadebreaker asked, voice small but hopeful.
"If we re-establish the bond, it would help to ease the pain," Ratchet said gently, carefully. "My spark would support yours and the connection would heal over time. It won't quite ever be the same, but…"
"I understand," Shabebreaker said when he trailed off. "Kinda. Enough, at least. It could be too damaged for it to be as strong. Or, in the end, it could be stronger. What doesn't kill us and all that. Scar tissue is often tougher than what was there before. And sometimes the strongest friendships are the ones that went through shit and didn't give up on each other. Not always, but sometimes."
Ratchet listened to her and wasn't sure what to think. "You…you would accept me back? After I so cruelly treated you?"
"You thought I'd betrayed you, Ratchet," Shadebreaker reminded him with a rueful smile. "I literally would have done the same. I have done the same. Except…I think if there was an actual bond there with that person, they had ripped it out ages ago. And it never re-established itself. So I couldn't do it myself when I was the one who had enough."
Ratchet took in this information for a moment and wondered about the existence of a bond between humans for a moment before focusing back on the moment at hand. "You forgive me so easily?"
"If you forgive me," Shadebreaker said, shifting her free hand palm up. She couldn't extend it out toward him because of the sling that prevented movement of her shoulder blade.
Ratchet moved his hand to gently rest on her shoulder, careful not to agitate it. "Of course I forgive you," he said. "You were only trying to protect us from the damage Steadishift could bring."
Shadebreaker gusted air through her systems once more. Her frame shuddered from her emotions. She leaned her helm down a bit to wipe her optics with her free hand despite it being bound by the sling.
"So, um," she said after a moment. "How do we…re-establish our bond?"
"You'll need a free hand with which you can grasp one of mine in a proper hold," Ratchet said, gazing at her hands, neither of which he could grasp fully from the right angle as it stood. One was pinned away from him and the other was occupied with her still untouched lunch.
Shadebreaker chuckled and subspaced the energon. She wiped at her cheeks one more time and then reached across herself toward him. "Simple enough," she said.
Ratchet reached out and grasped her wrist with one of his hands, as if giving her a firm greeting between long time friends. He waited for her to wrap her fingers around his own wrist before extending a data-cord from his wrist and sliding it into hers. She made a face at the unexpected feeling. He moved his thumb gently across her forearm in a reassuring motion as he sent the offer of a friendship bond to her.
Shadebreaker had a look of mild fascination on her face as she sorted out how to accept it and then did so. The moment the bond was firmly established Ratchet was hit with a wave of her fascination riding on waves of the emotions she was feeling. There was a lot of sadness and pain in her spark still, but he also sensed that they were ebbing away, being replaced by forgiveness and acceptance.
Ratchet retracted the cord once the bond was established and the strength of the connection calmed a little, but there was an obvious openness to it on her end that he wasn't sure was due to her inexperience or if she just didn't feel like hiding. "You should drink your energon now," he said.
"Yeah, probably," Shadebreaker agreed with a shrug.
Ratchet gave her a stern look, but didn't say anymore, sensing that her resistance was minimal.
"Emotions aren't switches, Ratchet," Shadebreaker said, smiling gently at him. "It's hard for me to eat when they are too much or too many. It was….hard staying nourished through all that. But I knew you'd give me hell if I didn't once it was over…and I had Ironhide on my aft about it, too. And Jazz. Jazz helped a lot. I can see why he's both Optimus's and Prowl's best friend."
Ratchet shook his helm at that, not helping the slight smile. "Femme," he said. "You're gonna worry me to my grave, aren't you?"
"What can I say?" Shadebreaker asked, taking her cube back out. "I'm good at making people worry. I guess?"
Ratchet snorted at that.
I stood in thoughtful silence as I stared at my reflection in the mirror that lined one wall of the femme side of the shower. How was I going to make this work? I had parted ways from Ratchet after we'd spent some time at the beach talking over lunch, intending to come to the showers to get properly clean. Ratchet had considered showers as well, but he'd been called away by Wheeljack to deal with a snag with the Ground Bridge. I wasn't expected anywhere yet today—having some freedom to recover from the stress and from my injuries.
But my injuries were my dilemma right now. The sling Ratchet had put my left arm in was waterproof, as were the bandages, but the problem was that it would prove difficult to wash myself with two damaged arms. I could do most, but my wings really needed care and it would be difficult to do them as it stood. My wings needed care, but they were in need of cleaning the sand and water off them first. I had promised Ratchet I would come to medbay for salve as soon as I was done, but I wasn't sure how to get there.
My thoughts were interrupted as the door to the room opened and I looked over to see Arcee entering, in the middle of saying bye to someone on the other side. She turned and then stopped when she saw me. My wings shifted in uncertainty, not sure what to expect from her. I had played a convincing enough role—I didn't know if anyone might hold it against me that I was capable of such a pretense.
Arcee hesitated for just a moment before moving toward me. "Hey Shadebreaker…."
Back to my full name, then. I turned back toward the mirror with a contemplative look. "Arcee," I greeted.
I saw Arcee glance at the mirror in the reflection with a raised optic ridge, then she looked back at me. She looked hesitant, uncertain. "Look," she said, rubbing her arm a little before dropping her hand to her side. "I owe you an apology."
My wings shifted a little. "Nah," I said as I relaxed. "You thought I was a traitor. Like I told Ratchet, I would've treated me like crap, too. I hold nothing against you."
"Still," Arcee said, smirking a bit. "I am sorry."
I looked at her and bowed my helm. "Apology accepted, my friend," I said readily. I then extended my free hand out toward her, palm up. "And I apologize to you. For my deception. It was not my intent to harm my friends. If the shifter had not already gone underneath my radar for some time, I would not have readily agreed to a plan that would've had me playing such a deceptive role."
Arcee chuckled a bit at that. "He fooled all of us," she said. "It wasn't until after your stunt that his charade of playing Bulkhead started to crack."
I nodded. "That was the purpose of the charade," I said. Then I sighed. "I only hope he cracks and we can figure out what happened to the real Bulkhead and save him. I-" I stuttered and my wings shifted in distress.
Arcee stepped closer and placed a hand on my arm. "Let's worry about that later," she said. "Prowl will find out. For now, you need to focus on recovering. Would you like some help getting fully clean? Your wings are covered in sand."
"I….would appreciate it, thank you," I told her quietly.
"No problem," Arcee said, smiling. "I get your back and wings, you get mine?"
I glanced at the wing-like appendages she was referring to, amusement playing on my lips. "I mean," I said and lifted my usable hand. "I might not be as effective. I've literally spent the last twenty minutes trying to decide how best to handle my wings when down to one damaged arm."
Arcee chuckled. "That's fair," she said. "I'm not expecting perfection. I'm not the one who looks like she rolled in the sand."
I felt my cooling fans kick on. "I was teaching Ratchet the wonders of slowing down and finding shapes in the clouds at the beach." I defended myself as we moved toward the shower heads.
"Really?" Arcee asked, sounding and looking amused. "Ratchet? Laid out on the sand with you? Grouchy Ratchet who hardly ever leaves his work?"
I chuckled at that, feeling a little bit self-conscious. "Well, he didn't lay down," I said. "Didn't want to get too much sand in his gears. But he sat with me and I got him to cloud gaze with me for a bit. He was a bit appalled I laid down when my wings are still raw and untreated from the damage the cuffs did and he hasn't had a chance to treat them yet. I kinda laid down a second before he was about to bring it up."
"It wasn't the first thing he did when he found you?" Arcee asked as I started the water on my chosen showerhead.
"I think I just looked so miserable he felt he had to work his way up to touching me with medical tools," I replied sheepishly. "I might have been huddled in a ball and crying when he arrived. I probably looked pretty pathetic."
Arcee gave me a look of sympathy and reached out to touch my arm. "It was rough, then?"
"So rough," I admitted as I shifted to start removing my armor. "And painful and hard. But it's over now. Now we just move forward. One step at a time. I hold nothing against anyone for how anyone treated me. I don't even hold it against Sunstreaker that he beat me up and broke both my arms. Actually, I was expecting you to do that."
Arcee smirked a little, not looking at all embarrassed or sheepish about the summation. "And I might've," she admitted readily as she turned her own water on. "I'm glad I didn't, though."
"I'm glad you didn't, too," I said, grinning at her. "I appreciate still having my legs."
Arcee chuckled at that, shaking her helm.
When Arcee and I entered the tent a couple hours later there was an alert flashing on the main computer and my wings perked. I immediately switched gears, moving to join Optimus and Ratchet over there—it wasn't like Ratchet was in the medbay to tend to my wings anyways. Arcee followed me over.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"A neutral signal has popped up on the network," Ratchet replied, glancing at me.
"More bots arriving?" I glanced around at the fact we were still in a tent and a damaged ship. "I hope we'll get some proper quarters done soon."
"Indeed, even if no one is staying from this one," Ratchet said. Then he pressed a couple buttons to open a comm channel. "Neutral ship, this Autobot Base Zelta, come in."
A response came in words that I only halfway understood. My wings shifted slightly. I listened to Optimus reply in Cy-Stan, feeling confusion and then leaned toward Arcee.
"Even Prowl and Ironhide answered me in English when I first met them on the ship," I whispered.
"Perhaps their system's connections allowing them access to the web are down," Arcee replied quietly. "Not everyone gets the ability to download Earth's languages before touching down. You just gotta finish learning Cy-Stan." Her tone was teasing.
"I'm trying," I argued. "Language is hard to retain for me. And I've had so many other things to do. Too bad I can't download Cy-Stan like you guys could do with English."
The voice said something and then Arcee turned her attention to the conversation herself. I felt a little left out and forgotten as she conversed with the voice in a conversation I could only somewhat understand and couldn't follow clearly at all.
"Shadebreaker," Optimus addressed me after a short while. "As our Ground Bridge is not yet operational and we have friends that are being dropped off by a passing neutral ship, we have need of your portals to greet them and bring them home."
"No problem boss bot," I said, my lack of understanding forgotten.
We talked a little longer, Optimus and Ratchet discussing a plan for them to drop a pair of Autobots off apparently. The neutrals agreed to drop them off somewhere remote in one of the many savannas of Africa and then Optimus, Ratchet and Arcee would meet them from there. I would just be in charge of transport, so I didn't need to go through. Which was just as well with the language barrier and my broken arms.
"Alright, well, while we wait for them to land, I'll take care of your wings, Shade'," Ratchet said, turning toward me.
"Sounds good," I said.
We moved toward the medbay as Arcee and Optimus stayed at the computer, saying a few more words to our incoming friends. I wondered who they were.
"Is there is any lingering pain or discomfort after your pain meds earlier?" Ratchet asked as he pulled out a box from under his makeshift counter.
"My wings are still sore and feel raw," I replied. "But it's a dull ache. My arms are ok."
"That's what I was expecting," Ratchet said, sighing as he took out a container. "This salve should be enough to alleviate those feelings in your wings."
I nodded. "Thank you," I said, bowing my helm as he moved behind me so he could administer it.
"Just doing my job," Ratchet said as he started spreading the salve on my wings with gentle fingers.
I held my wings as still as I could, ignoring the way my spark warmed at his touch. I blocked those feelings out and definitely hid them from our bond. I was not sure how he would interpret such feelings. I was not sure how I was going to interpret them. I wasn't ready to open that can. I wasn't ready to acknowledge the small pull I felt toward him from my spark that I wasn't entirely sure was the friendship bond.
"We'll want to change your bandages tonight, but they'll be alright for the rest of the day," Ratchet said. "I'm gonna bandage your wings, too. To make sure the salve doesn't get wiped off before it can do its job and keep them clean."
I made a noise of annoyance at that. "Just as I got them free," I complained.
"I know," Ratchet said. "But it's better than getting an infection."
"Fair," I said.
"And you'll still be able to move them," Ratchet said. "Yours sensors will be muffled is all. Not that they were working at peak efficiency anyways."
I sighed and accepted my fate as he worked and Arcee came over.
"Optimus thought it best to switch to radio silence so the 'Cons don't pick up our communications," Arcee said to my questioning look.
"Ah," I said. "So who's coming anyways? Your voices sound different in Cy-Stan and everyone I already knew the voices of are here already besides, like two bots, anyways."
Arcee looked amused by my small info-dump. "My sisters, actually." She crossed her arms and tilted her helm, looking at me expectantly.
"Hmm," I said, pretending to think as I could tell she wanted to see if I knew who her sisters were. I glanced toward Optimus, but he was as unreadable as he ever was. It wasn't too often I could read him because he opened himself to it. I looked back at Arcee. "Would that be Chromia and Elita-1?"
"Wow, you do know," Arcee said, not sounding surprised.
I resisted shrugging, knowing it would move my wings. "Information hoarding tendencies," I said as if that explained everything. "I look forward to meeting them."
"Elita might be able to help you learn Cy-Stan," Arcee said. "I mean, she'll be busy with her duties just like the rest of us, but she enjoys the art of language so she'll be more than happy to block out time in her day to dedicate to teaching you."
"That sounds amazing, actually," I said, not hiding my relief at the idea of having a proper teacher. "The only words I've gotten down are ones I've had help with. When it comes to language, I just need the help."
"I'm sure she'll appreciate your help understanding human idioms," Ratchet said, chipping in his two cents. "Downloading the language helps, but it doesn't give us the whole picture."
"I would be glad to help her where I can," I said, glancing back at him.
After Ratchet finished with my wings, Optimus came over to tell us it was time to fetch our new friends. We agreed it would be best to bring them into base outside to avoid immediately cramping them in a tight space. So we moved outside and I opened a portal to the coordinates that had been provided.
Then I waited.
And waited.
I kicked a small rock as I waited, feeling a little anxious sitting there with a portal just sitting there open like this.
I looked around, wondering if it made anyone else nervous.
Then I heard steps and looked back to the portal to see my friends returning through it. Arcee came through first, talking with a taller, lighter blue femme I recognized easily as Chromia. Behind them was Ratchet and then Optimus came through with a tall pink femme by his side that couldn't have been anyone but Elita-1.
I closed the portal once they were all clear of its vortex, wings relaxing.
"Elita, Chromia," Optimus said as the group approached me. "This is Shadebreaker. Our most recent addition to the Autobots, but a dedicated member nonetheless. Shadebreaker, this is Elita-1 and Chromia."
"Nice to meet you, fembot," Chromia said, smirking.
"It's a pleasure," Elita said, reaching out to shake my hand.
I reached out to shake her hand with my free hand. She took it carefully, clearly being aware of the fact I was obviously injured. "Likewise, I'm sure," I said, assuming Ratchet had fixed whatever problem they'd had that had prevented them from downloading English before.
"Shadebreaker's the one who opened that portal for us," Arcee said, probably to explain why I was here to greet them despite being so new. "She's got space-time portals we've been using as our main form of transport while Ratchet gets a Ground Bridge built."
"Just explain my powers for me, why dontcha," I said, teasing as I placed my free hand on my hip.
Arcee lightly punched my bicep on my arm that wasn't the one injured on the shoulder. I reached out and lightly pushed her back.
"You wound me, however will I recover now?" I asked as Chromia chuckled at our shenanigans.
"Fembots," Ratchet said grouchily. "If you break something, I'm gonna restrict Shadebreaker to stay in medbay."
Arcee and I sobered at that.
"We'll behave," I said, holding a hand up in surrender.
"I must take my leave," Optimus said a bit suddenly and I saw Elita's face fall. "Prowl has commed me that he has something important to discuss."
My wings perked curiously, but I knew better than to ask and delay him. I knew he would inform the rest of us when it was time to discuss a plan or to act.
"Perhaps Arcee and Shadebreaker will be willing to show you around base," Optimus offered, likely knowing I would be anxious if I wasn't given a task.
"We would be happy to, right, Shade'?" Arcee said, turning toward.
"Absolutely," I said, wings lifting and I grinned a bit to emphasize.
Optimus said a final goodbye to Elita, giving her a quick peck on the lips, which seemed to surprise her that he was comfortable doing so in my presence. Then he was transforming and headed toward where the damaged ship was parked.
"Wow, he must consider you a friend, eh?" Chromia asked, nudging me slightly.
"We're friends," I said confidently. "He and Ratchet were the first ones I really opened up to here. I appreciate his friendship. It helped me adjust to all the newness in my life. I don't think we could ask for a better Prime."
"You got that right," Chromia grinned. "Though you got me curious now with that explanation."
"Hmmm, maybe I'll explain," I said vaguely, wings making a mischievous motion.
"Oh, you're a brat," Chromia grinned more.
"Anyways," Elita said, interrupting before this had a chance to turn into a real argument. "Where to first?"
"Well, I don't know about you, but I like to shower after a long trip," Arcee offered.
"That sounds lovely," Elita said, smiling.
"Then let's go," Arcee said. "Shade' and I just showered not long ago, but I'm sure she doesn't mind hanging out there while you two get clean."
"Of course not," I said as we started walking away from the tent. "The only problem would be the potential PTSD from, you know, being beat up there, but that would've been a problem earlier and it wasn't."
"I still don't know how you're so chill about Sunstreaker," Arcee said.
"As I said, it was expected," I replied.
"I'm sorry, what?" Chromia asked.
Arcee glanced at me and I shrugged, motioning that she could tell the story if she wanted. Then she launched into an explanation of the recent events. About how I'd posed as a traitor in order to lure a shifter into a false sense of security so we could figure out who they were impersonating. I interjected occasionally with what it was like from my point of view as I was asked, but I mostly just listened to Arcee's point of view. Until she reached the point of Sunstreaker ambushing me in the shower, cause she didn't know anything beyond everyone departing.
"You didn't fight back?" Chromia asked incredulously after I told them about the ambush.
I shrugged. "I knew he wasn't the shifter," I said simply. "I don't want to hurt my fellow Autobots. I mean, I wasn't officially an Autobot yet, but still. Instincts to fight when threatened aside, I don't hurt those I consider allies. Not intentionally anyways."
Arcee nudged me a little. "I think we all hurt unintentionally sometimes."
"Or as consequences to actions taken to sus out hidden shifters that are really good at their jobs," I said dryly. "I hope I never have to do that again. It sucked. In multiple ways."
"Well, I'm sure we all can say we appreciate the sacrifice you took," Elita said, touching my shoulder gently.
I smiled bashfully at her. "I'm sure some might find it a bit concerning that I could pull such a trick. I'm just glad it's over now."
Elita rubbed my shoulder a bit. "I'm sure everyone is."
