The last time Kushina saw Kakashi, it was midnight, and she was cold.
Minato was already gone, she knew. He was lying next to her, but she could no longer sense his chakra signature. She would join him soon, she was sure of it. The Third had called for medics, but they would never arrive in time, and even then they wouldn't be able to save her. She was too cold, too numb. As far as she was aware, she'd even already been declared dead. Made sense; if she even still had a heartbeat or a chakra signature, it had to be nearly unnoticeable.
The world had all but fallen away around her, but she was aware of Minato's still form on the ground next to her, and of the Third, who was standing a bit ahead. She could hear him giving out orders to whomever passed by. The shinobi each reacted with shock, and Kushina couldn't blame them. She and her husband must be a sight to behold.
All of that existed sort of at the edge of her consciousness, though. The center of her focus was Naruto's chakra signature, as bright and powerful as the sun. He would grow up strong, that was for certain, and he was in good hands – the Third had promised to take care of him. Kushina did not worry about him. She would be able to pass on peacefully, knowing that her son would be safe.
Despite that, she found herself unable to give in to her tiredness. Maybe she wanted more time around her child, or maybe she was simply too stubborn to die just yet. Maybe there was something that she was still waiting for, though her thoughts were too far away for her to remember what it was-
A new chakra signature appeared at the edge of her consciousness, quickly getting closer. Another shinobi, and she recognized this one: it was Kakashi. His chakra signature was spiking with worry, and Kushina felt a pang of pain at that observation. He normally put so much effort into keeping his composure.
…He wasn't supposed to be here, was he? He was supposed to be under orders to stay away. She wasn't surprised that he'd disobeyed. Minato had taught him well, after all.
The Third didn't seem surprised either, though he did seem disgruntled. "You shouldn't be here," Kushina heard him say, but Kakashi didn't seem to hear him at all.
He spoke right over the Third, a quiet tremor in his voice. "I'm- I'm too late." His voice was wavering, like he was about to be sick.
Kushina wished she had the strength left to speak – she wished she could tell him to look away. The poor kid had already seen so much during his short life. He'd only just started learning to get his nightmares and his panic attacks under control… Kushina would hate to be responsible for making them worse again.
"They're gone," the Third said, "but they managed to seal the Nine-Tails away. They saved our village. We should be grateful for their sacrifice."
His tone was reassuring, but Kushina could tell by the spike in Kakashi's chakra that he didn't find the words reassuring at all. She could hear the dull thud of a knee hitting the grass, followed by the sound of Kakashi throwing up. No one spoke for a while afterwards, though Kushina could hear that Kakashi was breathing audibly, roughly, in that irregular rhythm that she'd by now learned to recognize as a panic attack.
And- She'd expected that she'd be able to pass on peacefully, without regrets or worries, but she found herself suddenly worrying a lot about this kid. During the past months, he'd been around her non-stop, to guard her during her pregnancy. He'd been silent at first, and frowny, and he was far too serious about his job. She'd known that the kid had lost pretty much everyone he cared about; Minato had been worrying about him so much. He'd been trying so hard to try and pull Kakashi out of his grief, but nothing he'd tried so far seemed to be working.
Kushina had taken that as a personal challenge. She may not be able to help Kakashi move on from his grief, but she could at least show him that the world was more than death and loss and pain.
And so, she'd spent the last couple of months wrangling him into eating dinner with her and Minato, and dragging him along to go shopping and making him decide which pair of baby socks or whatever was the cutest. She'd made sure to include him in anything that would distract him from that sorrow that he carried around, anything that would show him that even though he'd lost so much, he wasn't completely alone. It wasn't like he could object to being dragged around everywhere, anyway – it was his job to guard Kushina, after all.
Slowly, very slowly, he'd opened up a little. He seemed to lose some of that tension, that darkness, that he'd always carried around. Kushina was glad to see it. Somewhere along the way, Kakashi had started feeling like family to her. Sort of like a stubborn, scarily-smart, emotionally-constipated little brother. Minato had already been talking about including him in family stuff once Naruto was born – for all intents and purposes, Kakashi was family to all three of them.
And now, she was about to leave him behind by himself. Would he be okay? Considering that he was currently hyperventilating right next to his sensei's dead body, she couldn't say for certain.
"Go home and rest," the Third was telling Kakashi. "We'll discuss the matter of your insubordination tomorrow. Try to get some sleep first." He sounded like he was trying to comfort Kakashi, though his chakra signature showed none of the sympathy that his voice carried. He clearly didn't have time for this – and Kushina understood, considering that their village had just been ripped apart by a demon fox, but her blood still boiled.
She decided, right there: she would use the last of her energy to try and comfort Kakashi.
It took a monumental amount of strength, but she managed to open her eyes a tiny bit. Through her eyelashes, she could see the blurry, dark forms of the Third, who was still holding a sleeping Naruto, and Kakashi, who was sitting on his knees, mask down, clutching at his chest.
His eye was already focused on her and Minato, so he noticed that she was looking at him, and his head snapped up. He sat there, staring, unmoving, as though the slightest movement would instantly kill her.
She stared back, unsure of what to do. She wished it was Minato who was still alive, instead of her. He'd always been so much better at- well, everything that involved his students.
She hoped that the look in her eyes was a reassuring one; she couldn't tell. Her body felt colder than ever before. Her vision was blurring more by the second.
She hoped that he would see the flutter of her eyelids, and that he would understand that it was an apology.
With that, she faded.
The last time Hiruzen saw Kakashi, he did not yet know that it would be the last time.
He had called Kakashi into his office, first thing in the morning. He wanted to get it over with; he did not enjoy having to punish one of his best shinobi for insubordination, especially not at a time like this. As soon as possible, he wanted to give Kakashi a stern talking to and then get him back to work.
Kakashi entered the office fifteen minutes early – it appeared that he wanted to get this over with, too. He briefly made eye contact with Hiruzen by way of greeting as he entered, though he didn't say anything. His eye was red-rimmed and sunken; he visibly hadn't slept.
"Good morning, Kakashi," Hiruzen greeted him, making sure that his voice communicated sympathy and calmth. This conversation would go the most smoothly if Kakashi understood that Hiruzen wasn't angry with him for disobeying his orders.
Kakashi said nothing, chewing on the inside of his cheek underneath his mask. He was hiding his emotions well, but Hiruzen had years of experience with shinobi who were good at hiding their emotions. The boy was furious, and he was holding himself back from saying something he might regret.
Hiruzen forgave him for his anger. His sensei had just died, and Hiruzen was sitting in his chair. Perhaps he even blamed Hiruzen for not saving him, or perhaps he was angry at himself. Kakashi's upsetness was to be expected.
What happened next, though, was certainly not to be expected.
Kakashi strode over to Hiruzen's desk and, in a single decisive movement, took off his forehead protector and placed it on the desk.
"I want to retire," he said, still not looking Hiruzen in the eyes.
Hiruzen raised his eyebrows and sat back in his chair. Well, then. This was not how he'd wanted his first day back as Hokage to start.
"I understand where you're coming from," he told Kakashi, still calmly, "but I can't allow you to retire."
Kakashi's eye snapped over to him. "Why not?"
"You are only fourteen," Hiruzen began; Kakashi looked away in response. He raised an eyebrow. "Is there something you would like to say about that?"
Kakashi narrowed his eye at him, calculating, before replying: "With all due respect, Lord Third, Konoha's law states that shinobi are considered adults from the moment they become genin. I have been an adult for nine years. Please don't use my age as an argument."
"Very well, then," Hiruzen said with a nod. "I'll disregard your age, but that is not the only issue here, Kakashi. You are one of our finest shinobi, and our village is very vulnerable right now. If I let you leave our shinobi force, I would willingly be putting our village in an even more vulnerable position. Other villages could take advantage of that. Even more of our people could die."
"I'm not one of your finest shinobi," Kakashi gritted out. "If I were, I would've been able to protect-" He cut himself off with a shake of his head. "Let me retire. Please."
There was an edge to his voice that sounded much like defensiveness, but Hiruzen could tell that that wasn't it; it was despair.
Hiruzen steepled his fingers together, considering this. Letting one of his best shinobi retire was something he simply could not do, not now, not with Konoha in such disarray and with other villages that might take advantage of the situation.
How could he convince Kakashi to regain his hope?
"I can tell that you're blaming yourself for Minato and Kushina's deaths," he told Kakashi. The boy stilled, his jaw tightening. "If that's the reason you want to retire, then you should know that you're not to blame at all. It's-"
"That's not the reason." Kakashi's hands curled into fists, his nails pressing into his palms. "There's simply… nothing left for me to protect. And even if there was… The people that I try to protect only end up dead. I've proven time and again that I'm awful at protecting people. I may be good at fighting, but I fail when it matters most. In the end, I'm worthless as a shinobi, and I'm begging you to see that." His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, regaining his composure. "Please accept my resignation."
Hiruzen considered his words – it seemed that last night had left deep wounds in Kakashi's heart, deeper than Hiruzen had expected. Perhaps his spirit had truly broken. Hiruzen doubted it, though; he had seen Sakumo in his final days, and Kakashi was not acting the same way. There was fire left in him yet, even if it was just a tiny spark. Hatake Kakashi was not entirely lost. Hiruzen expected that he would pull through just fine in the end. He had faith in the boy's strength.
"I cannot allow you to retire," Hiruzen repeated, "but I can suggest a compromise. I will relieve you of your ANBU duties until you feel like yourself again, and you can take up patrolling the village instead. It'll be a calmer job for you; it'll give you some space to mourn. Also, I'll forgive you for disobeying my orders yesterday, since it was such a difficult moment for you." He looked Kakashi in the eye. "And if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here."
Kakashi's shoulders slumped, the defeat clear in his posture. "I understand." He took the forehead protector again, clenching his fingers around the metal so hard that it must hurt; then, he turned around and left, looking lost in his own head.
The door fell shut behind him, and Hiruzen forced himself not to worry about the boy anymore. He had far more important things to worry about.
The last time Gai saw Kakashi, he saw him entirely by accident. Knowing Kakashi, he would have preferred to go unnoticed, but Gai had always had a knack for noticing him when he least wanted to be noticed.
So, when the rest of the village was too busy trying to deal with the damages of last night, Gai was the only one who saw his rival walk through Konoha's gates, towards the forest. That, in and of itself, wasn't strange – but Gai noticed the empty look in his eye, the air of finality that hung around him.
"Kakashi!" he called out to him, running to catch up with him. "Hey, wait up! Where are you going?"
Thankfully, Kakashi paused and turned around. He did not look Gai in the eye. "Mission," he replied flatly.
"Nonsense," Gai told him, pointing broadly at Kakashi's face. "You're not wearing your forehead protector, or your ANBU mask. You never go on missions without them."
"Undercover missions are a thing, Gai," Kakashi said, but the argument was half-hearted. He sighed, but made no attempt at ending the conversation like he'd done so many times before.
The silence that fell was heavy, heavier than any silence that had ever fallen between them. In a way, Gai knew that this conversation was unlike any conversation they'd ever had. In a way, he could feel that Kakashi intended for it to be their last.
"You're leaving," Gai asked, "aren't you?"
Kakashi hesitated, biting into his lip underneath his mask. His eye flickered over to the gates behind Gai, checking if there was someone listening – and then, almost unnoticeably, he nodded.
Gai nodded in response, thoughtfully. He did not need to ask when Kakashi would be back; he already knew what the answer would be. He did not need to ask why he was leaving, either. Gai knew Kakashi well enough to understand.
"Are you planning to die?" he asked, bluntly, because he knew that Kakashi would not answer honestly if Gai phrased his question any other way.
There was more hesitation than Gai had hoped, but eventually, Kakashi shook his head. "No. I want to get out, but not that way."
Relief bloomed in Gai's chest. "Good. I'm glad to hear that."
Kakashi gave an awkward little smile in return. "Yeah."
Gai gave it all some thought. He understood Kakashi's choice to leave, and he respected it – but he couldn't help but worry regardless. If he left the village, Kakashi would be all alone. Judging by how secretive he was being, he probably wasn't leaving with the Hokage's permission, which meant that he would become a missing-nin. Every hidden village would consider him their enemy.
Gai had full faith that Kakashi was strong enough to handle himself, but still…
"Let me come with you."
"No," Kakashi replied immediately, and Gai could sense the panic that laced his voice. "No, you should- You should stay here. I don't want you to die like everyone else did. It's safer for you to just… not be near me."
"I don't understand what you're saying," Gai said, trying to look him in the eye.
Kakashi looked away. "You don't have to understand. Just don't follow me."
He clenched his jaws, then, turning to walk away. Gai rushed to block his way, arms wide. "Okay," he told him. "Okay. I won't follow you. And I won't try to stop you, either. You're trying to do what's best for you. I can only respect that."
The look on Kakashi's face was complicated – Gai knew him well enough to recognize gratefulness underneath that overwhelming sorrow that was wrapped around him like a cloak.
"Just… Promise me you'll try your best to be safe, okay?" Gai asked. "And if you're ever in trouble, you can always ask me for help. Always. Even if the law declares us enemies."
"I'll try my best," Kakashi replied softly. "Thanks, Gai."
"It's no problem at all." Gai grinned at him, and then wrapped his arms, which he'd spread out to try and block Kakashi's way, around Kakashi. "Good luck, rival," Gai told him. "And, I'm so sorry for your loss."
Kakashi didn't say anything back, nor did he hug Gai back, but he didn't reject the embrace either. It was almost unnoticeable, but he was leaning his chin on Gai's shoulder. Gai recognized that that was as much vulnerability as he was able to show, and he felt honored that Kakashi was willing to let down his guard around him.
He hugged Kakashi tighter before letting him go. "If anyone asks, I'll tell them you're on a mission," Gai said, giving Kakashi a thumbs-up.
Kakashi gave him a small smile in return. "Thank you."
He left soon after that, turning his back on Konoha. Gai watched him walk away, watched him until he couldn't be seen anymore in between the trees. He could not know for certain when he would see Kakashi again. Possibly never.
"I'll miss you, rival."
The last night he spent in Konoha, Kakashi could not breathe. He spent the whole night curled up in a corner of his apartment, fighting to get air into his lungs. There wasn't a single coherent thought in his mind, apart from the overwhelming realization that he could not do this anymore.
The last day he spent in Konoha, he visited the graves of the ones he'd lost and buried his forehead protector in the Hatake family grave. The part of him that was shinobi had died, after all. He would need time to figure out what was still left of him.
The first night he spent away from Konoha, he traveled until he couldn't travel anymore and then hid in a tiny room in a shady inn. He burned off his ANBU tattoo that night, and felt nothing.
The days after that, the numbness in his mind and his body gradually went away, making room for grief. Kakashi spent a long, long time just wandering, mourning, stuck in his own head. Eventually, he found the strength to wonder what it would take to make him feel less horrible – and from that thought, a plan developed.
Most days after that were surprisingly boring, and occasionally even peaceful. Kakashi decided that he'd seen enough death, that he had enough blood on his hands – he would not become an assassin or a mercenary or anything of the sort, and he would only kill when absolutely necessary. He would try to take care of himself, like he'd promised Gai. Like his loved ones would want for him.
Sometimes, he'd be able to take on civilian jobs for weeks or months at a time, hiding his identity with henge or disguises. Sometimes, shinobi or other missing-nin managed to find out who he was, and then he'd be on the run again. Sometimes, he worked together with other missing-nin to smuggle or steal.
His life wasn't always easy, of course. The nightmares stayed, and there was the loneliness, and the threat of people finding out who he was and trying to take him out. But it was bearable. It was better than Konoha. It was better than being a shinobi. He much preferred the loneliness of being a wanted man over the loneliness of having nothing left.
One day, he made his way to Konoha to visit his teammates' graves, with a bad cough that he'd gotten in Rain during a very long smuggling ordeal with abysmal communication – and that day lead to him almost dying in a hole in the ground, and consequently discovering that there was something that he'd forced himself to forget long ago. Someone, actually.
All that time, he'd believed that the wounds in his heart had finally healed – but Namikaze Naruto managed to rip them straight open again. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, Kakashi still needs to figure out.
It's uncertain whether he'll have the chance to figure that out, though. As of right now, his head is filled with fever and his body is numb with chakra exhaustion, and the only thing that's going on inside his mind is a seemingly endless array of fever dreams.
This night, Kakashi sleeps restlessly in a hole in the ground, his dreams filled with images from the past and from the present, blissfully unaware of the fact that his fever is rising by the hour.
