Matilda did not join her new housemates right away. Instead, as McGonagall took away the Sorting Hat, she turned to Dumbledore and said "Headmaster, may I speak to the hall for a few moments?"
Dumbledore nodded.
She turned back to the hall.
"I have a few things that you ought to know about me. First, for the Muggle borns out there, yes I am THAT Matilda Wormwood. Yes I really did defeat the evil Miss Trunchbull when I was five. Yes Roald Dahl told my story as fiction to the Muggles. Made a shit ton of money off it too"
"Five points from Ravenclaw for that language Miss Wormwood!" said Flitwick. Matilda ignored him.
"Roald Dahl was my second cousin. Of course, when he heard what happened to me, he didn't hesitate to turn it into his next book. It was a free idea, nothing original from him needed, aside from me losing my powers at the end of the book. That obviously didn't actually happen, otherwise I wouldn't be here right now. Everything else he wrote was true though, I do live with Miss Honey, and it's been a lovely 6 years since my parents left for Spain. No, I haven't heard from them, and I have no desire to. Now, I very much look forward to starting my life in the wizarding world properly"
She then walked forward and sat down in an empty seat at the Ravenclaw table. Excited conversation broke out among the hall, as the Muggleborns explained to the pure and half bloods what had just happened. I turned to Hermione.
"So, you've read Matilda's story, I assume?"
"Yes" said Hermione, "but I always thought she was fictional, even after I found out I was a witch. In fact, her story is the reason I found out I was a witch, because I tried levitating objects, like she could do in the book, and it worked. I kept it to myself, because I knew that anyone I showed it to would think I was somehow using strings, until Professor McGonagall showed up"
Eventually Dumbledore called for silence and the sorting ended with ""Whitby, Kevin!" becoming a Hufflepuff.
Professor McGonagall picked up the hat and the stool and carried them away.
"About time," said Ron, seizing his knife and fork and looking expectantly at his golden plate. Professor Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was smiling around at the students, his arms opened wide in welcome. "I have only two words to say to you," he told them, his deep voice echoing around the Hall.
"Tuck in."
"Hear, hear!" said Harry and Ron loudly as the empty dishes filled magically before their eyes. Nearly Headless Nick watched mournfully as Harry, Ron, and Hermione loaded their own plates. I only realised at that point that I was starving myself, and I started munching immediately.
"Aaah, 'at's be'er," said Ron, with his mouth full of mashed potato.
"You're lucky there's a feast at all tonight, you know," said Nearly Headless Nick. "There was trouble in the kitchens earlier."
"Why? Wha' 'appened?" said Harry, through a sizable chunk of steak.
"Peeves, of course," said Nearly Headless Nick, shaking his head, which wobbled dangerously. He pulled his ruff a little higher up on his neck. "The usual argument, you know. He wanted to attend the feast — well, it's quite out of the question, you know what he's like, utterly uncivilized, can't see a plate of food without throwing it. We held a ghost's council — the Fat Friar was all for giving him the chance — but most wisely, in my opinion, the Bloody Baron put his foot down."
"Yeah, absolutely. I don't come here to have food thrown in my face, I come here to stuff my face" I said. Several people around me laughed. Nearly Headless Nick gave me a disparaging look.
"You're saying that in front of someone who hasn't eaten for over 500 years!" he snapped
Ron was quick to keep the conversation going to avoid any arguments.
"Yeah, we thought Peeves seemed hacked off about something," said Ron darkly. "So what did he do in the kitchens?"
"Oh the usual," said Nearly Headless Nick, shrugging. "Wreaked havoc and mayhem. Pots and pans everywhere. Place swimming in soup. Terrified the house-elves out of their wits —"
Clang.
Hermione had knocked over her golden goblet. Pumpkin juice spread steadily over the tablecloth, staining several feet of white linen orange, but Hermione paid no attention.
"There are house-elves here?" she said, staring, horror-struck, at Nearly Headless Nick. "Here at Hogwarts?"
"Certainly," said Nearly Headless Nick, looking surprised at her reaction. "The largest number in any dwelling in Britain, I believe. Over a hundred."
"I've never seen one!" said Hermione. "Well, they hardly ever leave the kitchen by day, do they?" said Nearly Headless Nick. "They come out at night to do a bit of cleaning . . . see to the fires and so on. . . . I mean, you're not supposed to see them, are you? That's the mark of a good house-elf, isn't it, that you don't know it's there?"
Hermione stared at him.
"But they get paid?" she said. "They get holidays, don't they? And — and sick leave, and pensions, and everything?"
Nearly Headless Nick chortled so much that his ruff slipped and his head flopped off, dangling on the inch or so of ghostly skin and muscle that still attached it to his neck.
"Nick, keep your head on, honestly!" I said, to more laughter.
"Sick leave and pensions?" he said, pushing his head back onto his shoulders and securing it once more with his ruff. "House-elves don't want sick leave and pensions!"
Hermione looked down at her hardly touched plate of food, then put her knife and fork down upon it and pushed it away from her.
"Oh c'mon, 'Er-my-knee," said Ron, accidentally spraying Harry with bits of Yorkshire pudding.
"Oops — sorry, 'Arry —" He swallowed. "You won't get them sick leave by starving yourself!"
"Slave labour," said Hermione, breathing hard through her nose. "That's what made this dinner. Slave labour."
"Hermione mate" I said, patting her on the shoulder "I think you're making a good point, but a hunger strike isn't going to change anything"
Hermione shook my hand off and refused to eat another bite.
"Suit yourself" I said, shrugging.
The rain was still drumming heavily against the high, dark glass. Another clap of thunder shook the windows, and the stormy ceiling flashed, illuminating the golden plates as the remains of the first course vanished and were replaced, instantly, with puddings.
"Treacle tart, Hermione!" said Ron, deliberately wafting its smell toward her. "Spotted dick, look! Chocolate gateau!"
"Oh yes, come on mate, the treacle tart is delicious!" I said, but Hermione gave us a look so reminiscent of Professor McGonagall that we gave up.
When the puddings too had been demolished, and the last crumbs had faded off the plates, leaving them sparkling clean, Albus Dumbledore got to his feet again. The buzz of chatter filling the Hall ceased almost at once, so that only the howling wind and pounding rain could be heard.
"So!" said Dumbledore, smiling around at them all. "Now that we are all fed and watered," ("Hmph!" said Hermione) "I must once more ask for your attention, while I give out a few notices. "Mr. Filch, the caretaker, has asked me to tell you that the list of objects forbidden inside the castle has this year been extended to include Screaming Yo-yos, Fanged Frisbees, and Ever-Bashing Boomerangs. The full list comprises some four hundred and thirty seven items, I believe, and can be viewed in Mr. Filch's office, if anybody would like to check it."
I smiled smugly and felt my pockets, which had several of the twins's toffees in them. Nudging Demelza, I whispered, smirking "don't know about these though do they?" She nodded and took a couple from me. The corners of Dumbledore's mouth twitched. He continued:
"As ever, I would like to remind you all that the forest on the grounds is out-of-bounds to students, as is the village of Hogsmeade to all below third year"
"Yet they make us do detentions there" Amy whispered, puzzled.
"It is also my painful duty to inform you that the Inter-House Quidditch Cup will not take place this year."
"What?" Harry and I gasped. He looked around at Fred, George and I, his fellow members of the first team. Hermione looked as though she'd just been expelled.
"First the house elves, now there's no Quidditch, what the fuck is next?!" she exclaimed.
Dumbledore went on, "This is due to an event that will be starting in October, and continuing throughout the school year, taking up much of the teachers' time and energy — but I am sure you will all enjoy it immensely. I have great pleasure in announcing that this year at Hogwarts —"
But at that moment, there was a deafening rumble of thunder and the doors of the Great Hall banged open!
