Things continued like this unchanged for well over a week. They went to sleep every night. They didn't kiss or touch first, but Steve always had to take a cold shower. Laura bit her tongue to avoid revealing her secret. Both of them were exhausted, horny, and tortured by guilt.

Steve came home from work one evening to find Laura pacing around the living room and kitchen with Quinley screaming in her arms.

"Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh," she shushed rhythmically.

Steve set down his briefcase and approached them. He stopped Laura in her tracks, and she looked up at him in surprise. She looked like a wild woman. Her hair was a mess. She wasn't wearing any makeup. She was still in her pajamas, and they were obviously stained by bodily fluids.

"What time is it?" she asked.

Steve leaned down and kissed her. "5:45," he answered. "I'm fifteen minutes late, my sweet. I'm sorry." He leaned down and kissed the baby on the forehead. "Sorry, Princess," he said to her.

"No, that's not it, Steve. I-I-I can't believe it's already so late. Quinn hasn't stopped crying since you left," she said.

"Aww," he cooed at the baby in her arms. "Did you miss Daddy?" he asked in his baby voice.

Laura rolled her eyes. "No, Steve, I think something's wrong," she said nervously.

"Oh," he said, his eyes growing deeply concerned. "Do you think she needs to go to the doctor?"

"I don't know," Laura sighed. "I called, but Dr. Walker just thinks it's gas, and he couldn't squeeze us in today."

"Well, maybe it is," he agreed.

Laura's eyes teared up in frustration. "Well, then why won't it come out?" she asked, beginning to cry.

Steve looked on in horror at the two most important people in his life in complete misery. He knew he had to take action. "Ok, Sweetums, give her to me."

"What? No," Laura disagreed, not wanting to let her baby out of her arms when she was in so much pain.

"Laura, I'm her father. I can handle this. You need to take twenty minutes to relax."

"But, Steve, I–"

"Does she have a fever?"

"No."

"Has she thrown up?"

"No, but–"

"Is she tugging at her ear like it's infected?"

"No," she said again.

"Give me the baby, Laura. Go lie down," he said firmly, reaching out his arms.

She stepped back again, still bouncing the crying baby. "There are more than three other possibilities, Steve."

"You called the doctor, love. He's not worried. Let me take over for a minute."

"Doctors can be wrong," she argued.

"Ok, hey," he said, firmly grabbing her shoulders. "Give me twenty minutes. If she's still crying after you take a short nap, I'll drive you to any ER in the country," he promised.

Laura stared at him, completely distraught. When did he become the calm one? "Fine," she said, handing him the baby carefully. "Twenty minutes!" she called, stomping up the stairs.

He took the baby carefully and brought her close to him, allowing her to scream in his ear. He bounced her gently. "Ok, baby girl. Please, don't make a liar out of Daddy," he said. He walked to the bookshelf and pulled out several books on infant care. He opened all of them to gas and began to speed read.

———————————————————————

When Laura woke, she had been asleep for an hour. She sat up and rushed out of bed. She sprinted down the stairs, not hearing a peep. "What's wrong?" she demanded. "Why isn't she crying?"

Steve rushed to meet her at the bottom of the stairs. He placed a hand over her mouth and pointed at the playpen. "Shhhh…" he hushed her softly. "It was just gas, Laura Lee. She's fine. You slept well, huh?" he smiled.

"It was really just gas?" she asked in a desperate whisper.

"Yes," he assured her. "I held her in the colic-hold for a while, I moved her legs around while she was laying on her back, and I ended up giving her a few of those gas drops the books suggested."

"We don't have any of those," she replied.

"I know. I made some," he said.

Laura's eyes widened. "You what?" she growled.

"It's a few simple chemicals, Laura," he said.

"Steve! You can't put chemicals in our baby! You could have killed her!" she whispered, though it was clear she'd rather be yelling.

He frowned at her. "Laura, do you think I would try anything on our daughter that wasn't one hundred percent safe?" he asked.

"I don't care if you thought it was safe! That doesn't make it safe!"

He grabbed her hand and brought her closer to the baby. "Laura," he whispered in her ear as they both looked down on her, "she's fine. She let out a big toot and fell right to sleep. I'm her dad. You have to trust me with some of this stuff. You can't do it all on your own."

Laura looked at her baby, sleeping peacefully. She was relieved that her piercing cries had stopped, and she knew, deep down, that Steve would never let any harm come to either of them. "You can't do science experiments on her," Laura said seriously.

"I didn't, my sweet. Those drops have all been tested. I just replicated them. Wes and Andy have one of those on the market. I called and got the formulas exactly."

"You understand why this makes me uncomfortable, don't you?" she demanded.

"Yes, but you understand why I felt like I had to do it, don't you?"

"I guess," she agreed eventually.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her head. She relaxed against him. "We have to get her upstairs," he said.

"I'll move her," she announced, pulling away from him.

"Good, because I'm her dad, and I can do a lot of things, but moving her without waking her up consistently is not one of them yet," he smiled.

Laura gave him a half-smile as she carefully lifted Quinley into her arms. She walked her upstairs as Steve started dinner.

———————————————————————

Laura returned about a half-hour later, once Quinley was completely asleep. She walked up to Steve and wrapped her arms around his neck. He smiled down at her and held her waist. Laura buried her face in his neck. "Thank you," she said eventually.

"You're more than welcome, my love. Thank you for doing all the hard work today," he said softly.

Laura pulled away from him and sat on a stool at the island. "Hey, I'm sure you worked pretty hard today, too. Tell me about your day," she suggested as he plated their simple, fast dinners.

He set a plate in front of her and sat beside her with his own. Neither one of them wanted to dirty the table. They just wanted to eat and get to bed. "You really wanna hear about it after you had such a terrible day?" he asked.

"Of course," she said, slapping his thigh. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because what I do isn't as important as what you do," he said simply.

Laura pursed her lips. "Thank you for saying that," she said eventually, "but your job does pay for literally everything."

"And you raise my child. I stand by what I said."

"We raise her," she corrected. "I couldn't do any of this without you."

"And I couldn't do anything at all without you," he purred.

She blushed and began to eat. "Tell me about your day," she insisted again.

He nodded and also began to eat. "Ok," he agreed. "Something funny actually did happen today. You know how I'm hiring a new scientist for my lab?"

"Mm-hm…"

"Well, you'll never guess who applied!"

"Stephen Hawking?" she quipped.

He laughed and snorted. Snort. Snort. "No. Susie Crenshaw."

Laura's jaw dropped. "From high school?"

"Uh-huh."

She looked at him sideways. "Your ex-girlfriend?" she asked challengingly.

Steve smiled slyly. "I do believe her name appears somewhere in my little, black book," he said confidently.

"Your first girlfriend?" Laura continued in disbelief.

Steve's grin widened playfully. "Yup. Does that make you… ah-jealous?" he quipped.

Laura frowned. "Not unless you ah-hired her," she teased.

"Actually, I did," Steve shrugged.

Laura glared at him. "Excuse me?"

"She was honestly the best candidate," Steve said.

Laura suddenly became very aware of her extra baby weight, her loose skin, her tired eyes, her makeup-less face, her stained pajamas, her ratty hair, and the fact that she hadn't showered in three days, despite getting pee and poo on her at several points. Being a new mom had really exhausted her.

"Does that really bother you?" he asked, trying not to smile.

"No, of course not," Laura said. "I just… Hormones," she said with a dismissive shake of her head. "That'll be fun. Tell her I said, 'Hi.'"

"She already sent her best to you, so I'll be sure to let her know."

"So you told her we're married?" Laura breathed in relief.

"Of course, ladybug. I tell everyone," he explained.

Laura nodded. Of course, he did. He was Steve Urkel. She had nothing to worry about. "When does she start?" Laura asked.

"Tomorrow," Steve replied.