Following the events of the Summers case, Liv spent the weekend with Noah, which provided her with a welcome distraction from the recent investigation.
However, despite the enjoyable days she spent with her son, the nights were far less kind to her. Whilst sleep came easy to her it was reluctant to remain, and the few hours she was able to get were plagued with nightmares. Liv had experienced nightmares before, on multiple occasions during her career, often after a traumatic event. But these ones were different. They were spectacularly vivid and hauntingly real, and she found herself waking up in a cold sweat, breathless and terrified. The nightmares had started during the previous week, but over the weekend they became worse and more frightening. The most recent ones she experienced appeared to be linked to the Summers case. On Saturday she dreamed that she was standing at the top of the staircase at Hudson University with Barba, informing him of her pregnancy. He had become angry with her and grabbed her, slamming her head against the wall and then pushing her down the stairs. The falling sensation woke her up with a start and she clamped her hand to her mouth, tears burning in her eyes as her heart raced. Despite knowing it was a nightmare, and the events it depicted would never occur, she was unable to go back to sleep. Instead, she sat up for several hours until daylight broke, before having a long bath and desperately trying to wash away all remnants of her nightmare.
Noah's busy weekend filled with activities, clubs and their traditional brunch and movie evenings were a welcome distraction to her worried thoughts and overwhelming guilt, and she forced herself to focus her attentions upon her son. But Monday morning came around far too quickly, and Liv found herself feeling incredibly unprepared for the week that would follow.
Liv's bosses and the DA's office were delighted that the case had been concluded so quickly, though Liv reserved her relief until after the arraignment on Monday morning. She wore heavy make-up to conceal the dark circles beneath her eyes due to her exhaustion, and the paleness of her skin. She sat in the front row behind the prosecution desk and watched as Professor Rasmussen pleaded guilty to two counts of murder in the second degree. In accordance with the plea deal he made with Barba, he would serve a total of thirty-five years before being eligible for parole, which meant there was a chance he may not die in prison. Barba had assured him he would try him on two counts of murder one which would be life without parole, and after a weekend's consideration he accepted the plea deal minutes before the arraignment hearing, much to everyone's relief.
As Rasmussen was led out of the courtroom by a corrections officer Barba turned towards Liv, who nodded and offered him a small smile. She watched him pack his paperwork into his briefcase and approached him as everyone else filed out of the courtroom.
"Nice job, counsellor" Liv said warmly.
"Counsellor?" Barba repeated, turning towards Liv with an amused smile. "We haven't been that formal in years" he added. Liv smiled. "Speaking of which" he continued, his voice quieter, and his tone gentle. "I know we talked about having dinner" he said tentatively. Liv nodded. She remembered. "Given how busy the next couple of weeks are going to be with the DiAngelo trial, I was wondering if you'd be free the week after next?" he asked.
Liv felt relief wash over her at Barba's suggestion. They agreed they should have dinner together and discuss their relationship, and as much as she cared for Barba and knew they needed to have that conversation, the idea of having it now was rather daunting. The results of the amnio would be back in two weeks' time, and she knew she wouldn't be able to have an open and honest conversation about them until after that date.
"I'd like that" Liv replied sincerely. Barba's eyes softened and he nodded.
"I'm going to call you, Fin and Amanda to testify tomorrow afternoon" Barba advised. "Would you all be able to come to my office in the late morning to prep?" he asked. "I'll even throw in lunch" he added lightly. Liv smiled.
"Sold" she responded. "Thanks, Rafa" she added, squeezing his arm gently before heading out of the courtroom.
As Barba had predicted, the week was incredibly busy and intense for both Liv and her detectives and himself and Carisi. The DiAngelo case was complex and multi-faceted, and there was a lot of physical evidence and witness testimony to present to the Court. As Liv, Fin and Amanda testified on the Tuesday afternoon, it meant they were able to be present in Court to support the survivors of DiAngelo's attacks, which she correctly surmised had been Barba's intention.
Throughout the week Liv spent a considerable amount of time with Barba as he prepped the victims for their testimony. Due to the number of victims, he and Liv supported one half whilst Carisi and Amanda supported the other, ensuring they were all supported and prepared for the trial.
The days were long and stressful, and by the time she got home she felt emotionally drained and physically exhausted. The combination of the harrowing case and her lack of energy and nausea associated with her pregnancy made the week incredibly challenging. Her constant proximity to him served as a near-constant reminder of her deceit, and the impending amnio results which would be back once the trial ended.
Although Liv managed to hold it together at the start of the week, as the days went on she found herself struggling. When she had walked out of the courtroom with Barba on Wednesday afternoon a brawl had broken out in the corridor between a defendant in another case and the victim's father. The defendant punched the father in the face, and he responded by lunging at him, pushing him against the wall just feet from where Liv was standing. Liv placed her arm across her belly protectively and froze, as Barba stepped in front of her, moments before court officers and a nearby detective finally broke up the fight. Liv quickly lowered her hand from her belly just as Barba turned towards her and asked her if she was alright. Reeling from her reaction, and fearing Barba had noticed it, Liv nodded absently and assured him that she was, before leading him out of the corridor.
Due to her stress, workload and lack of sleep, Liv found that her appetite had decreased significantly, and her desire for food was almost non-existent. She spent most of the workday eating handfuls of saltines and the occasional cereal bar, whilst also drinking lots of cold water with plenty of ice, which she felt a strong need for. She would make herself eat a meal at dinner with Noah, and found herself consuming it with a hunger she had not previously realised she had. The only reprieve she appeared to have was that her nausea had almost completely abated, which was something of a relief. She was spending so much time in Court that week she could not risk throwing up in front of Barba.
Friday morning came around quickly, and it was the first day all week that she was not required in Court. It was a relief to be able to spend a full day in her office, where she could supervise her team, oversee new work and progress current cases.
Although she was busy, she felt calmer and more relaxed than she had done all week, and it was perhaps due to that fact that shortly before two o'clock she became aware of the fact she was becoming increasingly hungry.
Liv finished her email and put on her blazer, before putting her bag over her shoulder and heading out of her office, informing Fin she was heading out for lunch and would be back shortly.
Liv walked two blocks to a nearby sandwich shop which was a favourite of the squad's. She ordered herself a large cheese and ham salad baguette, a packet of lightly salted potato chips and a large diet soda with extra ice. As Liv watched the server prepare her drink, her mouth began to water at the sight of the ice. She found herself experiencing an almost irrepressible urge to consume the ice, and her need for it was so strong she found herself posing a question she had barely processed in her mind.
"Excuse me" Liv said politely as the server handed her her drink. "Could I also have a cup just of ice?" she asked. Liv was struck by the strangeness of her own request by the puzzled expression on the server's face.
"Sure" he said slowly, before turning on the spot and filling a cup with ice, then adding the plastic lid. "Do you want a straw?"
"No thanks" Liv responded, as she placed her sandwich and chips into her bag, left some money on the counter and picked up the drinks. "Thank you" she added, before walking out of the shop and heading back to the precinct.
As soon as Liv was seated at her desk she logged into her laptop and read an email from her Chief, unwrapping the baguette on her desk and opening the chips, pouring them out over the greaseproof paper. To her surprise, she found she had consumed the sandwich and chips in less than ten minutes, together with half of the diet soda, which was deliciously cold. Within moments of eating Liv felt her trousers becoming slightly tighter against her belly, and a quick glance down reassured her that her carefully-selected blouse covered her perfectly.
Liv then turned her attentions to the cup of ice, which was already starting to melt. She removed the plastic lid and tipped some of the ice into her mouth, enjoying the sensation of crunching it, the sensation of freezing cold water and ice in her throat exactly what she needed. She was still crunching on ice when Amanda entered her office, walking up to her desk with a report in her hand. She looked up at Liv who was mid-crunch, her attentions shifting from Liv's face to the cup of ice on her desk. Amanda's expression softened and she smiled with amusement.
"I was the same with Jessie" Amanda said quietly, as she walked slowly closer to Liv's desk. Liv crunched the last of the ice as quietly as she could and swallowed it.
"I'm sorry?" she asked, confusion present in her tone and expression. Amanda gestured to her cup.
"The ice" Amanda said simply. Liv swallowed thickly and nodded, her gaze drifting towards the half-empty cup before her. She was struck by a sudden wave of sadness, which she immediately attempted to suppress, before looking up slowly at Amanda. "Liv, are you okay?" she asked softly. Liv's expression faltered.
"I'm fine" Liv lied. "It's just..." she began, before trailing off as she spoke, struggling to find the words. "My belly is getting bigger, I'm exhausted all the time, and now I'm-" she continued, gesturing towards the cup.
"Having cravings" Amanda said quietly. Liv nodded almost imperceptibly.
"My body is doing everything that it should be doing" Liv said absently. "But it might not be enough" she continued, looking up at Amanda with sad eyes. "And there is nothing I can do about it" she added. Amanda perched herself on Liv's desk and looked at her sympathetically.
"I know it's scary, and you feel like you're in this horrible limbo waiting for the results to come back" Amanda said gently. "It's understandable that you feel worried and powerless" she explained. "That's totally normal" she added. "The main thing you need to do is listen to your body" she advised. "If you feel tired, rest. If you're hungry, eat. If you're sad, cry" she continued. Liv sighed lightly and nodded. "Liv, you are doing everything right."
"No, I'm not" Liv returned immediately. "I'm hiding my pregnancy from the people I love, from the father, and I can't-" she continued, breaking off as her voice choked with emotion. Liv felt Amanda's hand upon her shoulder and she gave herself a few moments to compose herself. "Sorry" she said quietly.
"Don't be sorry" Amanda soothed. "You've got nothin' to be sorry about" she assured her. Liv scoffed and met her gaze
"Yes I do" she replied quietly. Amanda shook her head and squeezed her shoulder.
"Barba will understand" Amanda said softly.
"He shouldn't have to understand" Liv replied, running her hand through her hair and shaking her head. "I can barely make eye contact with him without feeling this overwhelming sensation of guilt, which I thoroughly deserve" she continued. "And it's possible that there won't be anything for him to have to understand" she added sadly.
"Hey" Amanda said softly. "The initial results were negative" she reminded Liv. "The conditions the amnio test for are so rare."
"So is getting pregnant naturally at forty-eight" Liv responded dryly.
"And here we are" Amanda said softly, a gentle smile playing upon her lips. "I know that the chances of the baby having one of those conditions are higher due to your age, but that doesn't mean it is definitely going to have one of those conditions" she stated. "It already tested negative for some conditions which you had an increased likelihood of having" she reminded her. Liv nodded absently in response and leaned back in her chair. "Do you wanna know what I think?" she asked. Liv looked up at her and met her gaze.
"What's that?" Liv asked, her voice quiet and her tone curious yet resigned.
"I think this baby is the universe's way of bringing together two people who love each other" Amanda said simply. "It's a way of joining you both, uniting you, in a very tangible and permanent way" she continued. Liv watched Amanda for a few moments.
"Really, Amanda?" Liv asked sceptically. Amanda laughed lightly and looked up towards the ceiling.
"I'm not saying I'm gonna read your horoscope for you" she continued, earning a smile from Liv. "But I do believe that some things happen for a reason" she continued. "And I think this is one of 'em" she added. Liv watched Amanda for a few moments before nodding slowly.
"Did you come in to talk to me about that?" she asked, nodding towards the file. "If it's tarot cards I'm gonna tell you to leave" she cautioned. Amanda rolled her eyes and feigned offence.
"No, it's some paperwork on the Summers case, I just need you to review and sign off" Amanda returned. Liv nodded.
"Leave it with me" Liv responded. Amanda nodded and put the file on her desk.
"It must have been hard for you" Amanda continued, prompting Liv to look up at her. "Working on the Summers case. Especially with Barba" she added. Liv felt her stomach tighten.
"I was just doing my job" Liv responded simply. "As was Barba" she added. Amanda nodded in agreement.
"Did you notice how passionately he fought for Emily Summers?" Amanda asked gently. "How much he defended her, and told Rasmussen what she deserved as the mother of his child?" she continued.
"Yes" Liv responded slowly, her face adopting a curious expression. Amanda nodded.
"Good" she replied, before turning on her heel and heading out of Liv's office.
The afternoon passed quickly for Liv, which was a relief as it provided her with a distraction from the thoughts and guilt which plagued her. As she was driving to her appointment with Dr Lindstrom she found herself feeling almost relieved at the timing of the appointment. Because today was a day where she really needed to talk.
"Hello, Olivia" Dr Lindstrom greeted warmly, opening his office door and stepping aside to allow her to enter.
"Hi" Liv responded, as she walked into the room and headed towards her chair.
"I've been reading about Professor Rasmussen and the DiAngelo trial" Dr Lindstrom informed her, as she placed her bag down and removed her blazer. "Your name was mentioned frequently in the articles" he added, as he took up his own seat. "It sounds like you've had an incredibly busy couple of weeks" he suggested. Liv smiled slightly and nodded.
"My whole squad has" Liv responded, as she sat in her seat and straightened her blouse.
"But your whole squad isn't almost four and a half months pregnant" Dr Lindstrom responded. Liv met his gaze and her smile faltered. "How are you, Olivia?" he asked gently, the genuine care in his tone causing her to ache.
"I'm fine, I..." Liv began, trailing off as she found herself too exhausted to lie. "I'm tired, I'm... exhausted, actually" she admitted. "I haven't been sleeping well" she explained. "For the past couple of weeks I've been having these nightmares" she confided. Dr Lindstrom nodded.
"You've had nightmares before, during stressful and traumatic times in your life" Dr Lindstrom said gently. "And it is quite common for pregnant women to experience vivid nightmares" he explained. Liv looked up at him and met his gaze. "Can you tell me what happens in the nightmares?" he asked. Liv swallowed thickly.
"Ugh. The first one" Liv began, thinking back as she spoke. "Was just after we arrested Professor Rasmussen" she explained. "I dreamt that Rafa found out I was pregnant" she continued, her voice tinged with emotion. "He was upset, and angry, and he asked me why I didn't tell him" she stated. "And when I looked up at him to explain, William Lewis was standing opposite me, and he asked if the baby was his" she added, swallowing hard and clasping her hands in her lap. "It sounds ridiculous."
"It's not ridiculous, Olivia" Dr Lindstrom assured her. "Your concerns about Mr Barba becoming aware of your pregnancy make it a natural subject for a nightmare" he said simply. "Given the nature of the case you were investigating at the time, it's understandable that your nightmare would feature that theme" he reasoned. Liv nodded absently in agreement.
"And Lewis?" Liv asked, half wanting to know, half wanting to change the subject. "I haven't had a nightmare about him in years" she added. "Why now?"
"Our nightmares are based on the things that frighten us" Dr Lindstrom advised. "Things that make us feel vulnerable and afraid" he continued. "Given what you went through, is it any wonder Mr Lewis represents that vulnerability, that fear?" he asked. "Pregnancy is an incredibly vulnerable time for a woman, a frightening time, an uncertain one" he explained. "Especially when it's something you are going through almost completely alone" he added gently. Liv considered his words and nodded once more.
"In the nightmare he asked if my baby was his" Liv said quietly. "Why would I dream that?"
"There is no exact science to interpreting dreams" Dr Lindstrom advised. "I'd imagine it represents your fear of the hold that William Lewis has over you. Your fear that he will always have that hold over you" he explained. Liv tilted her head to the side as she considered his reasoning and she nodded. "There is something else I think is significant" he explained, prompting Liv to turn her attentions towards him and meet his gaze. "You just used the word 'baby' for the first time" he said softly. "Usually you refer to your 'pregnancy'" he advised. "You haven't said 'baby' before" he added.
Liv stared and Dr Lindstrom and felt her stomach clench. He watched a tightness come over her expression as she looked away from him, her eyes widening slightly. She hadn't realised she had done so, but once he reminded her she remembered, and the memory of the word and everything it represented hit her with an almost physical force.
"We've discussed your pregnancy, but not the baby directly" Dr Lindstrom continued cautiously. "Which is understandable given your concerns about the amniocentesis" he said sympathetically. "It's easy to think of your pregnancy as a condition, as opposed to something which could result in an infant" he stated. Liv's bottom lip trembled and she swallowed hard, digging her fingernails into her palm to stop herself from crying.
"I'm not in denial" Liv said quietly, her tone more sad than defensive.
"I know you aren't" Dr Lindstrom assured her.
"I just" Liv began, gesturing with her hands and tears shone in her eyes. "I can't think beyond the next week" she advised, unable to meet his gaze. "It's like I can't even imagine a time beyond getting the results."
"Which is completely normal" Dr Lindstrom said softly. Liv nodded quickly and wiped a tear from her cheek, before turning towards him with sad eyes.
"You know, in my line of work I am used to being in control" Liv began. "I investigate, I interview, I pursue. I support victims and help to find the person responsible for their pain and hold them accountable for their actions" she continued. "But with this, I..." she said quietly, breaking off slightly as she spoke. "There is so much that is out of my control. That I can't do a thing about" she explained. "My belly is getting bigger" she added, smiling sadly as she spoke. "I've been nauseous and tired, and craving salted snacks and cups of ice" she continued, prompting Dr Lindstrom to smile softly. "My body is doing everything it is supposed to do, and... and I'm almost trying to ignore it and conceal the fact that it is happening" she added guiltily, "I've been viewing it as a concept rather than something which will lead to a baby" she explained. "Because regardless of what my body is doing, it might not be enough, and if it's not there isn't a thing I can do about it" she added. "If the test results come back positive..." she continued, trailing off as she spoke.
"Feeling vulnerable and helpless and frustrated by this situation is completely normal, Olivia" Dr Lindstrom assured her. "Especially given the fact you are keeping your condition a secret" he added gently. "Even from the father" he added. Liv inhaled sharply.
"I can't tell him" Liv said quickly, shaking her head. "Especially not right now, not before the test results are back. It would be selfish" she continued. "I'd be telling him to assuage my guilt" she added. Dr Lindstrom considered her response for a moment.
"Have you spent much time with Mr Barba recently?" Dr Lindstrom asked. Liv nodded. "For work or socially?" he asked.
"Both" Liv responded. She then informed him of the night she, Rafa and Noah had dinner together, and the kiss they shared afterwards.
"It's understandable you're finding this difficult, Olivia" Dr Lindstrom said sympathetically. "You're trying to navigate your personal relationship with Mr Barba, whilst at the same time concealing the fact that you are carrying his child" he added. "How do you think Mr Barba would react if you did tell him now?" he asked. "Hypothetically" he added quickly. Liv considered the question briefly.
"Hurt" Liv replied quietly. "Disappointed. Angry."
"That you're pregnant?" he asked.
"No" she responded. "That I didn't tell him" she explained. Dr Lindstrom nodded in response.
"You indicated previously that you believe Mr Barba would be supportive of you, and the baby" Dr Lindstrom advised. Liv nodded.
"He would" Liv replied gently. "He's a decent man" she continued, a small smile playing on her lips. "The most decent man I've ever known" she added. Dr Lindstrom smiled softly.
"Which is what makes it so much harder to keep something like this from him" Dr Lindstrom suggested. Liv met his gaze and inhaled sharply.
"Yes" she confirmed, swallowing hard. "If I'm honest, I find the idea of telling him almost as difficult as the idea of not telling him" she explained. "But the idea of telling him I'm pregnant, to then have to tell him that... that I won't be-" she added, unable to continue.
"I understand" Dr Lindstrom assured her. "You'd rather inflict guilt on yourself than pain upon him" he added.
"Yes" Liv responded. "But unfortunately I think he will be hurt either way" she added. "The only question is how much" she said sadly. "But it would hurt him less to know I delayed telling him, than it would for me to tell him and then have to have..."
"Does Mr Barba want children?" Dr Lindstrom asked. Liv stared at him for a moment as she processed the question.
"I don't know" Liv replied uncertainly. "It was never something that we talked about" she added. "I know he had a complicated relationship with his father, and I always assumed that was why he didn't have children" she said. "He is a very organised, methodical, meticulous man. He throws himself into his work" she continued. "I'm not sure that his structured lifestyle is compatible with children" she said quietly. "And I don't know if... if it's something that he would want" she added, swallowing thickly as she spoke the words aloud.
"You don't think Mr Barba wants children?" Dr Lindstrom queried. Liv shrugged her shoulders slightly as she considered her response.
"I don't know" Liv responded. "He's wonderful with Noah" she said with a smile. "But spending a few hours with an eight year old is very different to looking after a baby or a toddler, especially one that is yours" she explained. "It would change his life significantly" she said quietly.
"It would change your life, too" Dr Lindstrom reasoned.
"Yes, but it would be my choice" Liv responded. "If I have this baby I'm choosing to be a mother, but I'm also making him become a father, whether he wants to or not" she said quietly. "When I adopted Noah I was making the decision to be a single parent. My decision to have Noah only affected the two of us" she explained. "But this would be different" she added. "I don't want to force him to be a parent, and I don't want him to feel obligated or... or like he doesn't have a choice, because he does" she continued. "If... if the results come back negative, I will talk to him, and tell him about the baby" she stated with conviction. "And I will make it clear he can be as involved as he wants to be, but if he doesn't then... then I understand, and that's okay" she added. Dr Lindstrom watched Olivia for several moments.
"Do you think he will want to be involved?" Dr Lindstorm asked. Liv considered the question.
"I think he will feel responsible, and obligated" Liv replied. "He's a decent man and he will want to do the right thing."
"For you and your child" Dr Lindstrom responded. Liv nodded. "But you don't think that's what he will want?"
"I honestly don't know" Liv admitted sadly. "But even if he does want children, after he finds out I kept my pregnancy a secret for so long, whilst seeing him on a nearly daily basis, I doubt he will want them with me" she added.
"Olivia" Dr Lindstrom began cautiously. "Has it ever occurred to you that Mr Barba would want to support you and your child, not out of a feeling of paternal obligation or duty" he suggested, "but because he wants to?" he asked. Liv swallowed thickly and considered the question.
"I don't know. I haven't thought about it" Liv responded honestly. "In fact, I've been trying very hard not to think about it" she admitted, her eyes becoming tearful as she spoke. Dr Lindstrom nodded in understanding. "I just need to get through this next week" she added, clasping her hands in her lap as she spoke.
"You will" Dr Lindstrom said kindly, as Liv met his gaze with a tearful expression. "You will."
