Disclaimer: teen wolf is not mine.
She was usually so good at faking, pretending and lying. Able to wear a mask to the world without anyone seeing what was truly going on in her mind.
For some reason, though, she couldn't hide her panic and unease this time. Allison's words, said with such confidence, making something inside her break. Like her heart had been pried open, with no option to lock it back up again.
She had gone through life trying to not get too emotionally attached. She figured it was better that way. When there was strong emotions involved, it usually ended in disaster some way or another.
Aiden was a perfect example of that.
They had an intense hatred for each other, but also an insatiable attraction to one another as well. He was exactly wrong for her and that was why she liked him. Why, for months, she couldn't get away from him even if she wanted to - because their feelings for each other were strong, just not sunshine and roses kind of strong.
Extreme emotions were dangerous. Powerful and profoundly violent.
She had learnt that it was best to be balanced - hovering somewhere in the middle. To care a little, just to not care a lot. To seperate herself from the intensity of basic primal desires.
So, really, she had been stupid.
She came to Beacon Hills broken and traumatised - many lessons having been learnt. She came after making a promise to herself that she would never be faced with the expectations - or consequences - of emotions.
Then why did she fall for Stiles?
Why did she toy with the temptation? The appeal of attraction? Why, if she knew she didn't want to feel, did she allow herself to be pulled into the web of complex passions?
She should have said no.
If she did, she could've saved them both the undeniable heartbreak that would inevitably happen - because, let's face it, when was there ever a happy ending? She had yet to meet anyone with a happy, fulfilling story. Along the way, there was always heartbreak, betrayal and anger.
That was just the way it was.
Stiles was light. She was darkness.
They were too contrasting. Too opposites. He was naive and inexperienced, his life more uncomplicated than complicated. She, on the other hand, had lived through too much for even five lives, never mind one.
Were they even really that compatible?
Her mind was ruminating over these fears as Allison just sat and watched, waiting patiently for her panic to fade but it didn't. Suspeneded somewhere between alarm and regret.
"Kayla...?" Allison finally asked, as more and more seconds ticked by, "... is everything okay?"
Could it be true?
Could she really be feeling that much for Stiles? Someone so unexpected and wholly good?
"Oh god..." she whispered, swallowing back her panic.
He started off as a friend. Someone she had fun with. Someone she flirted with. Someone she could have a good time with. How was it that that turned into this?
Could it really, truly, be love?
How was she meant to know? She hadn't ever felt it before. Not like this.
"Kayla?" her friend repeated, although this time sounding much more concerned, "there's nothing to be scared of. It's a beautiful, natural thing. And Stiles is really great-"
"Exactly" she exclaimed loudly, "he's great. He's wonderful. He's fan-fricking-tastic. I get it".
Allison seemed a bit taken aback by her booming words that drew the attention of a few nurses and orderlies roaming the hallways.
"Oh" her brunette friend mumbled, "have I just accidentally opened Pandora's box?"
She wanted to scream and shout that yes, yes she just inadvertently caused a chasm of uncertainty and fear to crack open her chest, and she didn't know how to get it to close again.
"Just because you love Scott, that doesn't mean that I... that I... that I feel that way about Stiles" she said, "what we have isn't that serious. We've not even had sex yet!"
"You can still care about someone without having sex" Allison reminder her, making her scoff.
"I'm just pointing out how unserious we are" she shrugged, "I've gotten to third base with people I've known for ten minutes. So, see? No where remotely close to being serious".
"Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?"
She faltered, finally looking at Allison's knowing gaze, feeling like she was being cut open all over again.
"Allison... I don't... I don't love Stiles" she whispered, "I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because everyone I've ever loved or cared about has left me" she admitted, "and I... and I don't want Stiles to leave me".
It was a startling revelation, but a true one. She pushed people away and held them at arms length because she didn't want to be the one being left.
She was comfortable doing the leaving if it meant protecting her heart.
"Kayla..." Allison sighed, "Stiles isn't going to leave you. He loves you. I know, deep down, you know that. You feel that. He's head over heels for you".
"More fool him" she grunted.
"It's okay to let yourself feel things" Allison said softly, "and it's all new to you and that's scary, but it can be wonderful... if you let it".
She shook her head, unsure what to say. Fighting against her better judgement.
"No... no" she mumbled, "just no, okay?"
"What are you going to do when he tells you?" Allison asked sympathetically, "when he tells you he loves you, are you going to run away? Break his heart? Pretend it never happened?"
This was too much for her to consider, left to just sit and shake her head as the internal panic surfaced into sweaty palms and jittery legs, fidgeting uncomfortably in the chair.
Allison sighed, seeing she was clearly getting no where with this conversation.
"Okay Kayla" she resounded, "if you don't want to talk about it, that's alright. But you're going to have to face it sooner or later... preferably sooner".
Unbeknownst to them, sitting just around the corner out of sight, was Erica Reyes.
Erica, who was listening to every single word they said with a twisted and bitter expression on her face.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Scott kindly offered to stay with Lydia for the Saturday night, giving her and Stiles a few hours off to relax and catch up with sleep.
Stiles invited her back to his, or should she said insisted, rather than let her go back to her lonely and dingy hotel room.
She did say she would be fine there, but he had said it wasn't up for debate. That she would come back to his so she would be safe.
Maybe he was worried about leaving her alone... she did just have a relapse, after all. Or maybe he was scared the hunters might catch up to her. Whatever it was, he didn't want her out of his sight and, for some reason, she was happy to oblige.
The sheriff was staying at the station all night - another weekend spent stuck in the station, dealing with the politics and fall outs of multiple more deaths.
She didn't envy his job one bit. Especially when he only had half the story.
Stiles guided her up to his room and found some spare toiletries and clothes for her, handing over a white tee with some black joggers. He offered her the first shower, just in case the hot water ran out, but she had shook her head and told him to go ahead. That she would no doubt take longer.
She was right. He was in and out, dry and redressed in plaid pyjama bottoms, within five minutes. She paced herself though. Scrubbing her teeth and brushing her hair. Her tired, achy body relished the scorching hot water as she shampooed her hair - twice - just to get rid of the extra product and hairspray Lydia had put in to keep her curls.
She dried herself with the fluffy towel, towelling her soaking wet hair to damp and pulled on Stiles' white tee over her naked body. Choosing to not wear the black jogging bottoms he offered, the hem of the tee resting against her upper thighs.
She wiped the condensation off the mirror, staring at her reflection with curious eyes.
She looked youthful. Her face make up free and softer somehow. Relaxed and at ease. When she saw herself, she seemed unburdened. Very unlike how she felt.
Surprisingly, standing here in an oversized tee with wet wild hair and no make up to guard her, she actually looked sixteen. Somewhat... innocent, even.
She hung the towel up over the railings to dry, rolling her clothes in a bundle next to the washing basket, and took her leave. The steam from the bathroom following her across the hall.
When she opened Stiles' bedroom door, the room was in semi darkness. Only a dim lamp was on, which was sitting on his desk. Her gaze soon settled on Stiles, who was sitting cross legged on his bed, toying with the frayed ends of his pyjama bottoms as he waited for her.
... Maybe she did love him. Maybe not. Now was not the time to figure that out.
Why did things have to be defined anyway? Could they not just be 'Stiles and Kayla?' He could be him, she could be her, and things would just carry on the way they were.
She was happy with the way things were. Adding in the extra pressure of feelings would just complicate things unnecessarily.
She walked into the room, quietly closing the door behind her. Immediately he glanced up when he heard her enter, and she saw him visibly gulp. His gaze lingering on her bare legs for a handful of seconds before sliding up to meet her stare.
"H-H-Hey" he stuttered, nervously exhaling something between a moan and a laugh, "uh... g-good shower?"
She hummed in response, padding across the carpet towards the bed, and the closer she got the straighter his back got, his Adam's Apple bobbing up and down.
"Are you tired?" she asked, kneeling on the end of the bed.
"Uh... m-me? Tired? Ummm... no..." he said, swallowing before his voice got too squeaky, "nope. Not tired. Definitely not tired".
He was, but she could tell seeing her in his tee and nothing else woke him right up. Unable to stop his eyes from glancing down at her legs on show.
"Good" she smiled, crawling towards him, "I uh... I'm kind of wide awake too".
"Oh" he acknowledged, "what do you-what do you want to do?"
She bit her lip, looking at him through the fluttering of her eyelashes, her intent more than clear.
She inched towards him, climbing onto his lap which made him shudder, his breath catching in his throat. His hands hovering in the air, unsure where to put them.
"We've had a pretty shit weekend" she admitted.
"Well, the dance was okay. At least until the killing started" he chuckled, finally letting his palms rest on her thighs then pulling them away like he'd been burnt. Still hesitant with their growing forms of intimacy.
She cupped the back of his neck with her hands, moulding them together. His body emitting a soothing warmth that made her feel relaxed and at home.
"Can you make me feel... feel something else?" she mumbled, "can you make me forget?"
His breathing was uneven and hitched, but his expression was soft and sweet. His big brown eyes seeming to fill with adoration and yearning.
"I can do that" he whispered, his lips quirking before frowning, "uh... just to clarify - you meant by a very hot, very intense make out session, right?"
"Yes" she laughed, "that was totally what I was meaning".
She tilted her head down, capturing his willing lips. His mouth soft and eager, with a twinge of peppermint toothpaste. Her entire body seeming to come alive with him close. As if her battery had been depleted, but he was her energy source.
He kissed her back sweetly, his hands finally landing on her thighs that straddled him, inching up to slowly grasp her hips.
He seemed to realise, for certain, she was wearing nothing underneath his tee, his entire body stilling as he pulled back.
"Uh... heh... you, uh... you're not wearing underwear..." he muttered, and through the dim yellow lighting of the room, she could see his cheeks flush an adorable pink.
"No, I'm not" she whispered, their lips just millimetres apart, "I'm not wearing anything".
His eyes widened, accidentally exhaling a low groan. His nails subconsciously tightening into her hips, no doubt leaving marks.
His brown gaze, loving and appreciative, dropped to take in her body, admiring her in his oversized white tee. Soaking up the sight of her wanting him and no one else.
"Y... You're beautiful" he whispered, his voice strained, "how did I get so lucky?"
Uh oh... dangerous territory again. The physical stuff she could do, but if he poured his heart out to her? She didn't know what would happen.
She panicked, leaning down to kiss him. The force of her desperation sending him falling backwards on the bed. Everything about him was soothing her right now, chasing away her demons. His company, his presence, enough to fulfill her. She just couldn't handle much more than that.
Maybe she did love him.
Maybe this was love.
She didn't know.
She didn't want to know.
Giving in to the insatiable burning passion that spread through her veins like wildfire, scorching her heart.
His grip was tight, yet gentlemanly. Not moving from her hips despite the fact she craved for more. She wanted to feel his hands all over her body, coaxing pleasure from her. She yearned to feel how badly he wanted her, getting lost in the haze of longing and desire.
She needed him. As simple as that.
Her skin felt almost feverish, every ounce of her body needing his. Hungry for everything he had to offer.
Somehow, in the urgency and desperation, they got flipped around. Stiles now hovering over her as his ravenous lips left patterns across her neck. His slim, yet firm, body settling comfortably between her legs.
Was it bad she didn't want to talk? That she just wanted to feel? To feel something other than unease and heartbreak, uncertainty and doubt?
His lips traced down to her collarbones, peppering light wet kisses to her skin, one hand skimming to caress her inner thigh.
A sigh of contentment escaped her lips, desperate for more.
He pulled himself up, all his weight on his elbows as he glanced down at her, his usual honey brown eyes much darker than usual. Filled with lust and arousal.
"Can I... uh... can I..."
"Yes" she replied, nodding her head eagerly.
He laughed a little, lovingly moving some stray hair from her face.
"You don't know what I was going to ask" he pointed out in amusement.
"I don't care. You can do anything you want".
His breath hitched at her words, like he was only now fully realising how much she trusted him with something as prescious as her body.
His weight slowly settled on her again as he caught her lips in a sweet, captivating kiss, knocking the breath from her lungs.
"I just... I want to..." he mumbled, not breaking contact with her mouth, "... I want to... to taste you..."
"You are" she moaned, pulling him further into her lips, soaking up everything he gave her.
"I want... to make... you feel... good" he mumbled inbetween their kisses, "with my mouth".
She stopped short, blinking up at him in surprise. Taken aback by his selfless need to make her feel good.
"Oh" she whispered, still surprised she was with someone that put her pleasure above their own. She was used to being the one that made other people feel good... not the other way around.
He was closely watching her expression, trying to decipher what she was thinking and if he had crossed a line.
"Uh... unless you don't want me to-"
It was sweet he checked in, an expression of guilt twisting his features that he potentially bypassed a boundary, but it wasn't that at all.
She hadn't ever been with someone that wanted to make her feel good. Not the way Stiles had. With everyone else, it was like a transaction. With him, it was because he wanted to, not expecting anything in return.
It was still a mind fuck trying to understand that there were people out there that didn't just take what they wanted, and Stiles was one of them.
She caught his shoulders before he could pull away, something stirring inside her heart. Something warm and comforting spreading throughout her chest.
She had been in many situations like this. Situations of need and desire. Situations of sexually fuelled arousal.
Then why, with Stiles, was it the first time she felt safe in them?
Was this how it was always meant to feel? Was she always meant to feel secure, looked after and respected? Treated like an actual person, worthy of being cared for - not just used and discarded?
She met his stare, unable to look anywhere else. His weight on top of her comforting and soothing.
"Yes" she whispered, her words catching him off guard.
"You sure?" he asked, a little worried by her hesitation, "if you don't want to-"
"It's not that, it's just... um..." she sighed, "... no one's ever put me first. That's all".
His eyebrows shot up in surprise, taken aback by her admission. Like the full realisation of the kinds of selfish people she had been entangled with in the past slapped him across the face.
She felt a little embarassed to admit that to him. Like she was just proving that she was a slut, careless and loose when it came to sexual morals.
"Well..." he whispered, his smile small but genuine as his knuckles brushed across her cheek, "I'll always put you first".
She met his gaze in surprise, trying to dephicer if he was lying but there was nothing but pure raw honesty in his eyes. A promise he seemed determined to fulfill.
That warm feeling continued to grow, spreading throughout the rest of her body. His words doing something to her.
She pulled him down into another kiss, giving herself to him completely. Trusting that he would look after her in a way no one else has ever done.
He was gentle and kind with his hands, letting them lovingly drift down her body. His touches designed to please and pleasure her. Inching down until his kisses settled between her legs.
She forced herself to relax, telling herself it was okay to let herself feel and be worshipped. That she didn't always have to be the one in control. Trying to convince herself that, for once, she was with someone that didn't expect something in return.
Still, it felt odd. Strange to just lie here and let him explore her body and make her feel good. A small voice in the back of her head telling her that, after this, she would owe him something.
He was gentle and slow. His lips dusting along her inner thighs, sprinkling generous kisses across her skin until she was quivering. Lovingly tangling his hands around her thighs and tugging her further down the bed, his hot breath hitting her flushed core.
Inadvertently, she was tense.
She didn't mean to be. She was enjoying every moment of this, her entire body flushed with arousal and longing, but she couldn't deny that being the one accepting pleasure was rare. It felt abnormal. Especially in such an intimate way.
He must've felt her rigid body, because he took some more time to help relax her - stroking her skin, kissing her, telling her she was beautiful... doing everything in his power to make her comfortable.
It worked. Her body melting into the mattress, soft whimpers escaping her lips. And only when he was sure she was alright, fully immersed and relaxed, did he go all the way.
His tongue was unlike anything she had ever felt before. The way it moved against her, caressing her and enticing spasms of pleasure to escape her body, was nothing short of heavenly.
It was just as well the Sheriff wasn't home because the noises that escaped her mouth didn't sound close to human.
She was a mess. A slave to his mouth. Left breathless and quivering on the bed as he took his time, learning along the way, enjoying the way she bucked and arched.
She had never felt this good before. Not in this life or any past lives - she was sure of it. Nearly passing out as he buried himself deeper, eliciting a loud moan from her lips.
That was one thing she had noticed about Stiles - nothing was rushed. Probably the only time he was patient was when he was trying to make her feel good, enjoying dragging it out for her.
Which he did.
Minutes turned into what felt like hours, waves of pleasure assaulting her body over and over and only when she was left a shaking mess, on the brink of seeing stars, did he stop and crawl up next to her. His arm snaking around her waist.
"Did you... I mean, y'know, did you... was that - well - okay?" he asked nervously, trying to catch his breath.
She was still quivering, her legs trembling ruthlessly as she pried her eyes open to look at him in amazement, wondering how he could ask her that after what had just happened.
"That was... amazing" she gasped, much to his surprise, "holy shit".
"Wha-really?" he spluttered, blinking quickly in surprise, "you-you liked that? I mean, I did it right?"
"Yeah" she said breathlessly, still taken aback by his abilities, "so right".
"Heh" he smirked proudly, "guess this mouth isn't only good at being sassy".
She weakly slapped his chest but laughed none the less, still quivering.
He kissed her, his lips still wet from her arousal as he scooted down next to her, grabbing the blankets and pulling it over their bodies.
She frowned, wondering why he was coaxing her into a cuddle - wasn't this usually the time the guys got what they wanted, if they didn't get it already?
"Uh... do you not want me to...?"
He seemed unsure what she was trying to say, adorable confusion written all over his face.
"Do I want you to do... what?"
"Return the favour?" she asked, "you can have sex with me if you want-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa" Stiles cut her off, totally taken by surprise at her suggestion, "pump your brakes. Kaylz, you don't owe me sex because I wanted to make you feel good, okay?"
"Right" she mumbled, trying to play off her misdirect but she could tell by his gaze that he knew why she thought that.
Well... her past involvements with sexual experiences were transactional after all... it just felt weird that she wasn't expected to give up something in return.
"That doesn't mean I don't want to have sex with you - because I do - believe me, I do-" he insisted, beginning to ramble, "-I just... I want it to be the right time. Not because you think you owe me something - which you don't... okay?"
His words were telling her one thing, but her learnt behaviour was telling her another.
What was she to believe?
Him, of course.
"Okay" she smiled, letting her body relax as he nuzzled up against her, holding her close to his body as he fell asleep.
Unfortunately, sleep didn't come that easy for her. Not that it ever really did, but tonight was different.
Instead of being tormented with nightmares or regrets of her past, she was ruminating over Allison's words. Words implying that she, well... felt more for Stiles than she was willing to explore.
Could it be true?
For some unknown reason, she couldn't get their conversation out of her head, especially after he took her home and worshipped her body in all the right ways.
Somehow, that level of intimacy - of connection - stirred a lot of emotions inside her. Making things bubble to the surface.
She had always known he liked her a lot, but she failed to measure just how much she was liking him back.
And honestly? It scared her.
It absolutely terrified her.
She wasn't ready for all of this.
His soft snores were the only sound in the bedroom, his arm slung carelessly around her body.
As gently as she could, she lifted his hand from her stomach and slipped from the bed, grabbing her phone and heading to the bathroom.
The panic inside had continued to build and build until she felt like she might explode - knowing she had to talk this over with someone with more insight and emotional intelligence than herself.
She perched herself on the edge of the tub, clicking on Allison's name. Praying and begging she would pick up, even though it was three in the morning.
"Kayla?" Allison's sleepy voice drifted through the phone and she breathed a sigh of relief, "is everything okay? Is Lydia-"
"Yeah. Everything's fine" she gulped, "I just... I need someone to talk to".
Allison went quiet for a moment, clearly realising how serious this was, as she heard her shuffle about in bed and her table lamp being turned on, giving her her full attention.
"Is this about earlier?"
She felt stupid and weak being so stressed over this - especially reverting to hiding out in the bathroom, whispering on the phone so he couldn't accidentally overhear her. It just went against her entire confident and dominating personality.
"Kayla, I'm sorry" Allison said sincerely, "I didn't mean to dredge up things you aren't ready for, or push you to-"
"I think you were right" she interrupted, much to both of their surprises, "I think I... I think that I... that I might be falling in love with him..."
She could tell Allison wanted to squeal and celebrate. She had all but pushed them together, and of course would be thrilled to hear her matchmaking skills were right, but she managed to contain her excitement - something Kayla was thankful for.
"And how do you feel about that?" her friend asked, although she couldn't hide the enthusiastic quip in her voice.
"I... I don't know" she admitted, her bare feet bouncing up and down off the tiled bathroom floor, "how am I meant to feel?"
"Excited?" Allison suggested.
"Terrified" she rebutted with, "I think I'll stick with terrified".
"What is it you're scared of?"
"Everything?"
"Not good enough Kay. What is it exactly that scares you about falling for the good guy?"
"... That I'll fall harder" she whispered, "and he'll realise I'm not who he thinks I am and breaks my heart. My heart wouldn't be able to handle it".
"Stiles knows about your past and your history, and he doesn't care" Allison reminded her gently, "he chose to see past that".
"What if he changes his mind?"
"He won't".
"You don't know that" she whispered, "what if he decides that it's too much? That I'm too much?"
"Why would he change his mind?" Allison asked, "after everything?"
She didn't know. She just knew it was possible. People changed their minds all the time. It was human nature.
It was times like this she sort of missed her relationship with Aiden. It was complicated and messy in a way, but simple in others. She knew where she stood. She knew how to handle her feelings for him. With Stiles, it was all new. Like taking a walk into the unknown.
"Kayla... Stiles makes you happy" Allison stated, "that's undeniable. And you deserve some happiness after everything life has thrown at you. Don't feel guilty for finally being happy. It's a good thing - trust me".
That was it, too. She was happier. Lighter and less guilty. And a part of her wanted to sabotage that and continue wallowing in self pity and grief. To allow herself to continue to punish herself for still being alive, when everyone she cared about wasn't.
Before Beacon Hills, she was pretty much a lost cause.
Now though? Maybe there was a glimmer of hope she could be saved. And that glimmer was because of Stiles.
"I... I don't know how to love someone" she admitted, "the books, the movies, they make it all look so frigging easy. But it's not. It's hard and painful and... and it usually never ends well. What if this is just a disaster waiting to happen?"
"It could be" Allison acknowledged, "or it could be the best thing that's ever happened to you. The only way you'll know is if you try".
Logically, and emotionally, Allison was right. Of course she was. Always pointing her in the right direction.
"I should probably get back to bed before Stiles realises I'm gone" she sighed, "but thank you for listening to my chaos. You're a good friend Ally".
"Anytime" she promised, "just trust the process, okay? You've got a wonderful guy who absolutely adores you. Enjoy it".
They said their goodbyes and hung up, Kayla hovering in the bathroom a little longer to try and gather her thoughts and ease her racing heartbeat.
When she finally got the courage to creep back to bed, Stiles was still sleeping. His expression peaceful and content.
She didn't want to fuck this up.
She didn't want to fuck him up.
Sometimes, though, she felt it was inevitable.
There was no such thing as happy ever after.
She climbed in, trying not to jostle the bed too much but as she went to lie down, he blearily opened his eyes, immediately reaching for her.
"You okay Kaylz?" he murmured, his voice gruff.
She simply nodded, letting him tug her forward so they were face to face, their noses brushing. Pulling the covers up over her and tucking her in.
Falling in love was stupid...
... but then again, she had made a lot of stupid decisions. What was one more to add to the list?
A/N) A slight filler chapter but NEEDED because I want to focus so much more on Kayla realising her growing feelings for Stiles and how she works through her fear on that. Plus sexy time because hell yes haha trust me; the reveal of their "I love you's" will be EPIC but undeniably soooo Stiles and Kayla - haha.
I hope you all liked and excited to hear your thoughts. Next chapter will be more action and excitement :)
