Chapter Ten

The First Sign of Trouble

47 DAYS IN


Routine wasn't enough for Amanda, even with planned deviations and her usual perseverance. The walls of the shuttle craft felt closer every day, and the company of Sarek grated on her nerves. With every passing week, the small irritations piled on until they were all she could think about.

His stillness. The stretches of silence. The coldness of the few conversations Amanda could wring out of him. On top of it all, for a Vulcan, Sarek's hygiene was surprisingly lax. He argued for his once a week sonic with scientific benefits of natural oils but Amanda wasn't buying it, and passive aggressively mentioned his musk and lank hair whenever she could. Such comments did not phase him.

The worst of it was that Sarek was better at passive aggressive battles than she was. He would often observe her doing the mundane, then remark upon it. Never positive. Always neutral. Always unwanted.

How she ate her food. The books she chose to read. The fact that she sometimes snored. Her occasional humming. The length of time she spent in the head getting ready for the day.

It was a slow descent into madness.

Their frustrations with each other would often come out in their sparring matches; but lately Amanda's lack of focus made her a poor opponent and Sarek commented upon it, as he was wont to do.

It was the last straw.

"We need some time apart!" Amanda threw her arms up in the air, turning away from him after they broke from a grapple maneuver that had her sore. "I can't…" She struggled to define what it was precisely she couldn't do, but nothing was a big enough descriptor. "I can't keep doingthis!"

"You are welcome to suggest an alternative martial-"

"No Sarek! This. All of this." She gestured desperately with her hands, which did Sarek no favors in working out the root of her issue. His brows came together as he puzzled, which made Amanda more aware of how crazy she must seem.

"I'm not made for close quarters. I need space. I need the familiar. I can't see how to get through this…" Her hands were at her forehead now, pressing in as if bracing for her brain to explode.

"Is this the Cabin Fever?"

Amanda laughed at the seriousness of his tone, then the tears came as she realized that that is exactly what it was. She didn't miss her students. Or her roommate. Or her parents. She missed the sky. The colour green. The view of the horizon across the ocean. She was an animal chewing at the bars of her cage.

Sarek approached, uncertain in his steps, and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. It was the most empathy that Amanda had seen in awhile, and it broke her. She turned to hug him, not caring if he hated it, or was made uncomfortable. He had been so emotionally selfish that hedeservedthe fall out. What she didn't expect was for him to return her embrace. It was gentler than when he had allowed it in her mind - that last favor she asked for before a death that never came.

"T-thank you." Amanda managed from against his chest. She felt herself calm down as if it were a magic spell. Perhaps it was the novelty of it, but she was grateful all the while.

"It is strange. I did not know that humans and Vulcans were similar in this way." Sarek mused.

The words humming through his chest were very soothing, but it also stirred feelings that Amanda thought she had buried. Adding attraction to their situation would only complicate things, so she pulled apart to pull herself together.

"How so…?" Amanda prompted while rubbing the tears from her eyes. The anxiety was still there at the surface, but she could put a lid on it for the time being. "I can't imagineyoucrying over being stuck in a shuttle for weeks."

"I am skilled at emotional control, but I still feel as you do." His voice softened. For the first time since he walked into her subconscious, Amanda felt as if Sarek was finally opening up. She made sure not to mess it all up by commenting as such and listened.

"There are many ways we regulate ourselves, such as routines, logic and strength of will. Sometimes what we feel is too much for those tools, no matter how practiced we are at them. You are using the same tools that I am. And I, too, am finding this situation difficult. I also may succumb to the Vulcan equivalent of Cabin Fever sooner than anticipated."

There it was! Empathy! Amanda smiled, immensely glad that he was feeling the strain just as she was. It made her feel less crazy. Less like the weaker of the two of them. She didn't realize how much of her animosity stemmed from that until now.

"I can't imagine you… emotional." She laughed, relieving so much pent up tension that she felt lighter. "When did you think you were going to crack?"

Sarek was uncomfortable with the question. It was strange how Amanda could tell with only the pause between his answer and the way he braced his hands behind his back. "Perhaps a year from now."

Amanda shook her head with a puzzled grin. "But we'd be rescued by then! You would get to see your homeworld. Be free from here." Well, that made no sense. He must be teasing her in some weird Vulcan way.

Sarek tilted his head a fraction, just enough that Amanda knew that what she had said was not what he expected to hear. That was odd. Was there a misunderstanding somewhere? A minute stretched between them and every second grew more awkward. Amanda tried to mentally track back what they had been doing and saying. Everything lined up unless-

"Sarek… can you tell me why I was crying?"

Sarek regarded her curiously, still in his puzzled manner. "Humans need affection frequently, and you have been without for longer than your biology allows. You have a monthly cycle, correct?"

The expressions that Amanda made in response ran the spectrum from amused to mortified.

"You think I'm PMSing right now?" Amanda tried, mouth open in disbelief.

Then she thought about it for more than a moment and realized it couldn't be menstruation that he was referring too. He admitted to feeling it too. She was home sick, he was… what? Touch starved?

"Wait no… that doesn't make sense. You think I only needed a hug? I feel like I've gone mad. Iknowyou. Hugging is not a you thing, so were you just humoring me?" She chuckled awkwardly. "What were you talking about? You'll have to explain, there's been a misunderstanding somewhere."

"Allow me to find the error. Whywereyou crying?" There was a seriousness in his quest for knowledge that amused Amanda.

"I'm homesick. Aren't you…?"

He still couldn't quite untangle the misunderstanding. Homesick was just as easily understood as cabin fever through context.

"'Homesick' sounds correct, but the term is not one that I am familiar with. Homesick and Cabin Fever… are they synonyms?"

"Not exactly." Amanda admitted.

"Can you die from either?"

"I've heard stories of people in isolation going mad and committing suicide." Amanda dug deep into her childhood schooling to remember tales from ancient times, where explorers would get themselves stuck in remote places. Much like them at the moment. "I was mostly joking about suffering from cabin fever… but I was crying because I missed the nature of earth and the freedom to go where I wished. That is homesickness."

That struck Sarek correctly and he nodded in understanding. "It has nothing to do with your fertility cycle."

"Of course not." It was Amanda's turn to unravel the misunderstanding. "And your feelings… do?"

"I-" He massaged his forehead in a rare show of weakness. "I still do not understand. Embracing you solved your crisis. You state you require different needs to function - the comfort of your home, but it is not the fulfillment of those needs that solved your issue. Are you trying a joke?"

"No. Humans are just… we're just complicated."

Sarek stared at her, features pinched in an expression Amanda had never seen before. Was this frustration? Her gut said that it was embarrassment, but that couldn't be right. She had followed his logic, and the misunderstanding was nothing to be embarrassed about. Itmustbe frustration.

"Well what about you! Should we hug it out from time to time to satisfy some mysterious need of yours?" She teased to stop him from beating himself up about it.

"That won't be necessary."

"I assume because it is also complicated?"

Sarek nodded, his mind still working away at something that Amanda could only guess at now that sharing time was over.

She took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. The beginning of a mediation, which is what was next on their schedule. Wordlessly she moved down to the cargo hold to claim some space for herself, leaving Sarek to meditate through the aftermath of their conversation - which he did not. Instead he started a complicated dinner, throwing routine right out of the airlock.