"I'm sorry to disturb you; I know it's been a long night-"

Derek groaned at the sudden flash of light that hit him in the face as the door to the on-call room opened.

"But I just wanted to check in and make sure you were doing okay." Mark continued as he shut the door behind him. He just about located the opposite bed in the dark, and sat down on it. "So?"

"So...I may have just ruined the career of one of the best cardiothoracic surgeons in the country. Maybe in the world."

"I thought it was concluded to be successful."

"Why are you here if you thought it was successful?" Derek asked as he sat up on the bed.

He smiled. "Because I knew that you'd be talking like that."

"Like what?"

"Like it would be your fault. You didn't shoot him, and you tried your best to fix him."

"My best." He highlighted. "What if my best isn't as good as- I don't know, Dr Silva's? My best means nothing if it's substandard."

"Okay. Two things. Number one, Dr Silva is now a pile of ash in a jar, so I'm pretty sure you're better than him-"

"Harsh." Derek couldn't help but mutter. He was Derek's mentor, and the person he had (kind of) taken Head of Neurosurgery from.

Mark smiled. Dark humour was the best kind of humour. "And number two, did you, Derek Shepherd, just call yourself substandard?"

"If I did something wrong in that surgery, I might as well have shot him myself."

"Did something go wrong?"

"No."

"And I've heard that he's doing well."

"Yes." He agreed, just as reluctantly as his previous 'no'.

"So what I'm hearing is that you're beating yourself up over literally nothing. In fact, you probably should be celebrating yourself."

He sighed. "I suppose."

"And the other thing? What else is bothering you?"

Derek didn't even consider asking him how he knew there were two things on his mind. "Meredith is the other thing."

"Did you two have your first big fight? I feel like it's been a peculiarly long time of peacefulness."

"How many years into a relationship do you consider having children?"

"She asked to have kids with you? Dude, you've been dating like two months. Break up with her, stat."

"No, no, no-" He shook his head. "No, she didn't ask for kids."

"So...what's with the question?"

"Just to clarify, she's most definitely not but...she thought she might be pregnant."

"How do you know that she's most definitely not?" Mark asked, surprised by his confidence. Many people took one pregnancy test on the wrong day without reading the instructions, so he had was instinctually cautious around anything to do with pregnancy. Then again, they were both doctors.

"Three failed pregnancy tests and a message about an hour ago telling me she's just started her period."

"Right. But you didn't want her to be pregnant...did you?"

"No. I mean- if she was, I'd either be with her and the baby and love them both or, if we didn't work out, of course I'd support her with money or whatever but-"

"But?" He pressed.

"She seemed a little sad." He explained. "Well, I'm not really sure what it was. But not glad or relieved or anything like that."

"But I thought you said she didn't want kids."

"She said that she thought she'd be a bad mother because hers was. I'm not sure if that means no, or yes, or ask me in five years when I have some more confidence or...something I haven't even thought of."

"So why would she be sad?" Mark pondered aloud. "Maybe she's a loony, trying to trap you in a marriage!"

He smirked. "I know I make a lot of money, but an awful lot of that goes into my money-sucking blackhole."

"Money-sucking blackhole?"

"You know, Bob." He said with a smirk. That was one old memory, when Derek was unable to articulate many words so would call anything relating to any of his disabilities 'Bob' for ease.

He laughed. "Right. We should bring back the term Bob."

"Mmm." Derek agreed, feeling their conversation fade. He swallowed after a few seconds of silence. "Do think that- actually, nevermind."

"No. Go on."

"No. Just...my mind going places. Dark places."

"Why is your mind going to dark places?" Mark asked, alarm evident in his tone.

"About Meredith, I mean." He clarified. "Trying to think of reasons why she could react that way but...I'm not thinking of anything nice. Actually, all the things I can think of are...pretty horrific."

"Yeah, but you're a traumaful guy. I'm sure you're over thinking it."

"Okay. You tell me a reason why babies and pregnancy could be a complicated topic for someone without suggesting something dark and traumatic."

"Maybe if they had fertility issues?"

"Meredith is twenty-four, and an intern. I don't think she's ever tried for a baby." He replied. "Any other reason?"

He sighed. "Not any that aren't traumatic. I hate to say it, but your dark mind might be right this time."


"Cristina."

"Mmm?" She looked up at the call to find her boyfriend's neurosurgeon sat in the doorway.

"I'm going to wake him up and ask him to do some exercises now." Derek explained as he entered the room. "They're gonna hurt; it's not going be pretty."

She nodded and smiled. "That's okay."

"I think you should go and talk to Meredith for a bit."

"Seriously, I'm fine." She dismissed.

"Cristina." He named. "I am recommending that you talk to Meredith."

Her eyebrows creased. "What did you do? What happened?"

"Nothing happened-happened. I mean, it kind of did. But...I think she just needs someone to talk to. Plus, you probably have to talk to her; you've had a rough few hours with all of this."

"Right." She breathed as she stood. "And Shepherd?"

"Yeah?"

"You better have fixed my guy."

He smiled. "Yeah." He sighed when she left. "I better have."


After having a conversation with a sleepy and irritated Burke, and then talking through a few exercises with and even sleepier and an even more irritated Burke, Derek left the room. He made it to the attending's lounge without interruption, but paused abruptly when he got there.

"Hi again. Well, again-again."

He smiled. "Hello, again-again to you Dr Shepherd. Your chief just offered me a temporary contract as head of cardiothoracic surgery, considering the current state of Dr Burke's shoulder, so I guess we're going to be adding on quite a few agains. How is he?"

"Okay. Well, not really. But-" He sighed. "He's hanging on in there."

"Is it okay for me to say that I guess you know what he's going through?"

"Is it okay?" He repeated with creased eyebrows.

"It just sounds a bit...wrong to assume that you know how he feels just because you are also a doctor, and went through a serious trauma."

"I...know what it's like to have to live in a bed. And I know what it's like to wonder whether you'll ever operate again - or perhaps be able to be a functioning human again. But I'm not Burke."

"Mmm." He agreed with a sigh. "Can I ask- have you talked to Meredith recently?"

"How recently is recently? I saw her last night after work, but I got pretty quickly called back in to deal with all of this. It was literally ten minutes at home."

"Did she seem okay? Because we were talking about some stuff and she just kinda bolted in the middle of it."

"When were you talking?"

"At lunch." He answered.

Meredith said she had spent her lunch working when he asked. So she was lying to him now, apparently. "She um-" He sighed. He didn't really want to tell him more about Meredith, seeing as he already knew all these secrets that he didn't, but he knew that was a childish thing to do. "She came home with three pregnancy tests. But she's not pregnant; they were all negative."

"Oh." He breathed.

"We had this prom thing for a teen in the hospital who missed hers, so the date was pretty prominent and then she was late so she panicked." Derek elaborated. It felt a little weird - this guy was Meredith's old teacher and he was discussing her menstrual cycle - but they were both doctors. "Is that anything to do with why she bolted?"

"Well, we were talking about children, so yes."

"Why were you talking about children?" Derek couldn't help but ask.

"I don't really know. Just got onto the topic I suppose."

Derek could hear that that was a lie from the way he spoke. "She seemed a little conflicted when the test was negative. No intern wants to be pregnant so I thought she'd be relieved and celebrating but...she seemed a little sad, actually."

He nodded.

"Does that surprise you?"

Aaron sighed. "Unfortunately, no. It doesn't.

"How bad was it...the thing that happened?"

"It was pretty bad, but Meredith was- probably still is so incredibly strong. I wouldn't handle what she went through. But...I mean, I wouldn't handle what happened to you either so..." He shrugged, then smiled. "Maybe you're just made for each other."

"I hope so. I sure hope so."

"You love her, right?"

He smiled. "Of course."

"Hello. Oh-" The woman paused in the doorway. "Burke, who's your friend?"

"This is Dr Shepherd. He's the hospital's head of neurosurgery." He explained. "This is my mom, Derek."

She smiled, and offered him a hand.

Derek took it. "Nice to meet you, Mrs Burke."

"I thought you said you were the only surgeon who was shot?" She said, looking at her son.

Derek couldn't help but smile. "Oh, no. I wasn't shot."

"Your chief must be struggling being two heads down." She muttered, simply assuming something else had happened to the man.

"Dr Shepherd was paralyzed a few years ago, Mom."

"Oh." She breathed. Her eyes dropped. "Oh."

"It's rude to stare." Burke reminded her at a dropped volume. Of course Derek was able to hear him, but that wasn't the point.

Her eyes raised. "I'm not staring."

"I think you are." Burke returned with an ever-so-slight smile.

"It's okay. Seriously, I get it." Derek reassured both Burkes. "I'm perfectly aware of how peculiar I am. I would be confused if the situation was reversed."

"Dr Shepherd was the one who did my surgery. You should probably thank him."

"The one you just had?" She asked, eyebrows elevated.

"Yes, Mom. The one I just had."

"Well, I-" She paused when she heard the door open behind her. "Ah, Dr Yang!"

Derek's eyes darted between Mrs Burke and Cristina. The latter looked very...alarmed, to say the least.

"I suggest you go." Burke whispered. "My mother may or may not have almost caught us...having fun."

"Yeah." He breathed. He definitely didn't want to stick around for whatever was next. "I'm off."


"Food not good?"

Meredith looked up. "Mmm?"

"Is the food not good?" He repeated, assuming that she hadn't heard his first question. Even if she had, he didn't want to have to wait in awkward silence for her to provide an answer.

"No, no. It is."

"You've been poking at it for quite a while now. And normally we take forever to eat because we can't stop talking, but we haven't done much of that either."

"Mmm."

"I know it's about the pregnancy scare. Aaron told me that you-"

"That what?" She interrupted.

"Nothing that was actually something." He elaborated quickly, knowing that her heart rate had just doubled. "He just said he understood why what happened might have brought up some stuff for you. That's all he said."

"Oh." She breathed.

"You know that I'm okay with the secrets- of course I am. But sometimes...sometimes I think that we would, you know, understand each other a little better if we knew what was going on in each other's heads." He admitted. "I mean- I'm not talking about you here. I'm talking about myself too."

"Yeah. I get that. When I was talking to Aaron he thought we were pretty weird for knowing so little about each other." She agreed. "Not that his opinion is important here. Just...saying that there's someone who agrees."

"Right so...are we going to-" He paused. He didn't even know what he was going recommend. "Are we going to talk about it?"

"How...how much talking are we talking about here?"

"Um...maybe not all of it. I'm thinking...a sentence and then- then we ask questions or something."

"I think I could do that."

"So..." He smiled nervously. "Who's going first?"