This chapter is dedicated to cmber, who wanted to see Merlin telling Arthur he took the poison to save himself from Arthur. So I hope they liked how I put that scene together.
This chapter is also dedicated to brusnika5, who sent me a pretty good speech on what Merlin could say to Arthur when he finally breaks. I had to break it up so it wouldn't be just one massive wall of text, but they know which parts was their's and I hope they like how I included it
This chapter is also dedicated to NannersTheSpellCastor, who wanted to see Merlin explaining to Arthur what a real marriage is and how Arthur has failed on all counts of what he wanted.
This chapter is also dedicated to Muktha, who wanted Merlin to explain to Arthur that touching him and throwing him against things was abuse as well
And this chapter is ALSO dedicated to Seiramallipop, who wanted to see Merlin completely lose it and start crying and screaming. Especially when Arthur tries touching him, and having a complete breakdown about it, so I do hope that like how I included it's ;p
X
Kissing…the act of pressing two sets of lips together in a romantic embrace meant as a lead up to passion. Something people did as they ran slicked lips against the other…something intimate and positive. Something Arthur'd always considered had to be done as a means to an end….:something that led up to a wandering hand going up a ladies skirts after they snuck away from their own parents in the midst of conducting business. Something that included tongues tangling together, included sharing breaths with the other, included becoming close with another…it was one of the few moments in Arthur's life where he'd let his guard down.
Arthur Pendragon never expected to share a similar moment with Merlin, of all people.
He never considered kissing Merlin before in their entire marriage…
Sure, maybe once or twice his mind had wondered to that direction. But it had always been the kind of kiss that was forced upon them both…just a means to an end. Whether that end be to please his father by putting on a show for any onlookers, or whether that end be proving a point of some kind to his beautiful and willful consort. The latter was exactly what he'd done, but that didn't help absolve Arthur from how unsettled he felt.
Arthur had never contemplated the aftermath of doing such a thing.
Sure, Arthur had imagined what Merlin's reaction might be…he had imagined a Merlin that would melt against him because Arthur's kissing poweress would always be better than whatever man-and now woman-had done it before he'd gotten the chance. He had imagined a Merlin that would kick up a fuss and try to attack him and throw a fit…but those moments were only because Merlin is the type of man that would want Arthur to prove himself. Prove himself as the best of the lot, and Arthur would rise to meet his challenge each time, just to knock aside whatever little boys might've been wooed in by his consort or his seduction tactics. It wouldn't be any fun if his consort just gave into him and his whims…
But what Arthur hadn't been expecting was for what HE would feel afterwards.
Arthur had always been so insanely focused on Merlin and his reactions, that his own had fallen off to the wayside. He almost wanted to be sick, the slight nausea making his stomach churn as his eyes darted over Merlin's distinctive male features. But the cooling heat still present in his veins betrayed Arthur in a way he wasn't ready to acknowledge. It was trying to tell him something but he was too narrow minded to recognize what that something was. Arthur had wanted to run when Merlin had first started shrieking at him, knowing that this incident was something not even he could blame Merlin for. And all he needed was a bit of air to get his head on straight…try to figure out how his obsession had grown so deep, he would have been willing to do….that. But Arthur hadn't ran, no matter what his instincts had been telling him to do. And Arthur didn't think he'd be able to explain 'why' he had decided to stay. As a knight, Arthur should know trusting his instincts could mean the difference between life and death. Could mean the difference between surrendering himself to Merlin and his ire, or dying by the consort's hand…
Perhaps he would even deserve it, for the sin he'd just committed.
Or maybe he just didn't want to leave Merlin with so many things unresolved between them.
Not this time.
But even when Arthur tried to explain himself, tried to explain a husband who kissed his own husband didn't mean he was treating Merlin like a whore…his words had failed him. Thousands of vocabulary words had been shoved into his skull from the earliest age possible, and not one of them had came to his mind. Merlin had decimated each one before they could form on his tongue…a single glance had been all it took to leave Arthur powerless before him. Forced to make his lame excuses with Merlin's taste clinging onto him…forced to look at Merlin and know….he had kissed that man. More than kissed him…he'd tried to devour him whole.
And Arthur wasn't altogether sure he didn't want to do it again.
He knew he shouldn't, but…
This was why Arthur had allowed Merlin to shove him. It would have been only a simple matter to take Merlin out if he wanted. A simple maneuver would've thrown Merlin onto the ground, and then…and then WHaT? Arthur climb back on top of him and try to find out whether or not Merlin tasted just as sweetly the second time as he had the first? No…Arthur wouldn't. It was easier for the consort to shove him. The pain of hitting the bookcase alleviated the sin he'd committed. The books falling on top his head was meant to drill in how wrong it was…
But then Merlin had screamed again, laying it out firmly for Arthur how what crush he had on Arthur was long gone…to be honest, he hadn't even needed to scream that last time. Arthur could see it in his eyes….he could believe his consort meant it with his entire heart and soul….he had never sounded more serious than he had been when he'd told Arthur his jewels and his gold and his crown was unwanted to him. And for the first time…Arthur could feel himself really starting to get it. He could understand…just as Merlin had said…he was not the same boy Arthur had met that first day in the courtyard all those many months ago. He was different now, grown in a way Arthur had somehow ended up missing. And Arthur was the one that forced Merlin to harden himself when faced with a cruel world all alone.
He was sad about that…
Devastated, might have been a better word.
To blinded by his own self arrogance to see Merlin aging a decade directly in front of him…
But Arthur still had Merlin's neckerchief buried between his thighs, and how could he feel sorry for Merlin when he had the thick lump of cloth currently trying to shove his cock up. It was practically hugging him from beneath and holding him in its warmth in the most uncomfortable manner…he should just be thankful Merlin didn't have a wandering eye. Should have been thankful all the friction against his lower half that forced his cock to twitch as he slid his slick lips across Merlin's was no longer an issue. His bottom half was just as frozen as his top half was…a prisoner to Merlin's whims just as he should be. With his softened cock no longer at risk for getting stiff enough to press upwards and form a tent in his pants…the prince swallowed hard and tried to force all those unseemly thoughts down. Friction was a normal humanly body reaction, it was simply something that happened when something was rubbing him constantly down there. It was just a horrid coincidence he happened to be moving around so much when he'd been…
When he'd been…
When he'd been…
Kissing.
Kissing Merlin.
Just a coincident it had happened when he'd been kissing Merlin.
"I…okay then. I believe you." Arthur said quietly, because there wasn't anything more he really could say. His voice had sounded hollow and thick at the same time. His gaze danced around Merlin's bruised face, and the consort's earlier words banged around inside his head…my feelings died the second you hit me and called me a whore…Arthur pressed his lips together. His hands were on his knees now, but he was clenching them so tightly, his knuckles seemed to have been glowing white…the exact same shade of white the glowing light had been as it showed him his way out of the caves. So he could get back to Merlin…just so Arthur could treat him like the whore he called him out to be, it was his god given right to take whatever kisses he wanted from his husband, and yet…that was something he shouldn't have done. Something he regretted doing simply because he didn't know where it would lead them too now. Arthur ducked his head so that his bangs shadowed his face, he couldn't bare to look at Merlin at the moment, not when he knew those lips and those eyes and that hair would be in his vicinity, "But I…I did risk my neck for you. I mean, I went to the caves and I was the one that got the flower Gaius needed to save your life. So don't I deserve some kind of credit here? I mean, if I hadn't done what I did, then your body would be being prepared for a funeral march right about now."
Arthur was hopeful about explaining himself as the one who had done most of the dirty work so Merlin could recover. It would move them away from the kiss, perhaps Arthur could truly put it aside and pretend such a thing didn't actually happen. At least to Merlin's face…Arthur knew he would be thinking about that for hours tonight, when he tried to go to sleep. Keeping himself awake until the early hours of the morning simply because he couldn't banish the slick glide of lips on lips from his mind. No matter how much he wanted to scrub his brain all clean, until the memory was nothing but a distant dream that hadn't happened in reality. And perhaps Arthur admitting his part in Merlin's recovery…maybe it would give Arthur some brownie points with him. Something that would lesson the blow of Merlin freaking out against him for the kiss…Arthur clenched tight on his knees again. The kiss…it hadn't been good for Merlin. Not like it'd been for…the prince swallowed hard as his stomach gave a sharp lurch that felt like it was trying to throw him over. A cold sweat breaking out against the back of his neck…
"Oh really, you…you are the one that saved me…" Merlin started to sneer at the prince with a dangerous glint in his eyes, still kneeling in front of him and more than ready to burst Arthur's little lie straight into the ground. But…something-or more like all of it-stood out to him. Merlin's brows furrowed together in the center of his forehead…the caves. Arthur had said he went to some caves and got the flowers. But…that couldn't be. Because that was what had happened in his dreams…Arthur showing a bravery to Merlin in ways he'd never before seen in his life. Merlin vividly remembered the dream Arthur's mad scramble for the flowers perched high above his head, with an army of spiders coming after him …no. Merlin shook his head violently. Even if Arthur really had run off to some cave-which he doubted because of how farfetched it was-then it would have been nothing more than a coincidence. It didn't mean Arthur really had been chased by spiders, or been attacked by a sorceress, or followed up the ball of light the dream version of Merlin had conjured. It didn't mean nothing at all…the consort stood back up to his feet, too disgusted to even look at Arthur for a second more as he turned his head away, "I'm not interested in hearing any of your lies or your excuses. You don't get credit for one thing compared to a thousand or more other things that I have had to endure because of you. You drove me into drinking the poison. Did you really expect me to get down onto mg hands and knees and thank you? The one thing I had going for me was my death. And then you took that from me. Just like you took my-"
Merlin's back was to Arthur, but he could still hear the way Merlin's breath had hitched…he didn't need to finish his sentence for Arthur to understand. Arthur had taken Merlin's life into his hands just like he had taken Merlin's kiss under his command. Perhaps this would have been a good time for Arthur to run and not look back, if Merlin was going to continue bringing up their kiss despite his trying to change the topic. But…it was somehow easier for Arthur to look back at Merlin. When he was facing his actual back. Arthur grabbed onto one of the shelves above his head and eased himself slowly back to his feet, trying to get the neckerchief in his pants to move-away-from certain areas without actually touching it and bringing attention down to it. But Merlin must've known he was up on his feet again, because Arthur could see the line of his back going sharp and still. Arthur hated seeing it. He hated that he hated seeing it. But his little consort…his Merlin…he could have been a ghost. His one attempt at trying to get closer to Merlin-in more ways than one-only made Merlin more unavailable to him than he already had been. Like a phantom only existing because Arthur had made him.
"Who told you that the only thing you had going for you was your death?" The prince said gruffly, taking a soft step towards his consort. But the floor under him creaked sharply, and Merlin was whipping back around. Eyes full of bluish righteous anger, having been warned of his incoming presence. And the prince stopped coming any further…it probably wasn't safe for him to go closer to the other boy. After what he did…Arthur wasn't sure what would happen if he tried to make contact. But…Arthur still winced under Merlin's stare. Right…that was probably another thing Merlin hated him for. Arthur had taken advantage of all the things Merlin had done to help this kingdom in the last few months and the prince…Arthur hadn't been shy about making his distaste for Merlin as clear as the day was…was it distaste he felt for Merlin? Surely somebody who detested somebody else didn't…kiss them. Arthur felt his face warming-it looked like he couldn't even escape from his thoughts returning there-and looked away from Merlin again. "I'm sure it felt like I didn't…appreciate what you have done with this kingdom in mind…stopping the plague being the biggest one of all…but I'd hope you would know that without me having to mention it. You didn't have to do…all this." Arthur gestured his hand up and down, as if trying to indicate the consort's entire sickly form, still keeping his gaze locked on the floor. Locked on his consort's wiggling toes now… "You…you tried to kill yourself, Merlin. So I fear if I leave now. It might…I just need to know that you are going to be okay if I leave."
Arthur said this as respectfully and as carefully as he could, as if he feared a sudden suicide attempt relapse would befall Merlin again. But the consort was cringing…death was such a sensitive topic to him. It felt wrong for Arthur to be so bluntly mentioning his suicide attempt, as if this was any ordinary day in the screwed up lives of Arthur and Merlin Pendragon. And yeah, maybe Merlin had a lot of things he needed to figure out and work through. But he would do that on his own time. Not with Arthur looming over him like some kind of imposing figure, who simply didn't want to bother with finding Merlin with his wrists slit and his blood staining the floor. That was the whole reason Arthur had to still be here…not because he actually fucking cared or anything!
"Make sure I'm okay? You want to make sure that I'm fucking okay? Why don't you just finish that sentence! You want to make sure I don't bloody kill myself again, as if you're suddenly my savior! Don't make me fucking laugh!" Snarled the consort like some kind of rabid animal. Merlin was vulnerable and he was soft and he was small, but he would be damned if Arthur tried turning what he did into some kind of pity party for himself. Arthur couldn't exactly go around should the rumor mill catch wind of what Merlin had done. Heaven forbid him having an Unwanted Consort, to a Suicidal One. He would be damned if Arthur looked at him like he was some kind of broken toy that needed to be fixed until it worked the way HE wanted it too. Merlin's journey towards healing from the damage wrecked upon him was going to be a difficult one, but it would be his own personal journey. One he wanted to face if he was going to keep living in this world…but it was also one Arthur wasn't going to be allowed to see. Bad enough for Merlin to rip apart at the seams right in front of him, but to go and bare himself and the soft, squishy emotions inside him before this monster…it wasn't going to happen. Arthur wasn't going to stand there and act like he had this savior complex when Merlin knew he was nothing but a monster, "Here is an idea! Why don't you just fucking look at me! Look at me and see for once in your life how absolutely screwed up I am! Instead of sniveling like you're doing right now! No barriers! No lies or insults or tricks. Just fucking look at me and tell me I need YOU to watch over ME!"
And Arthur's head jolted up when Merlin shrieked at him on that final word, his eyes connecting with the blue swirls of Merlin. And Arthur's breath got caught in his throat somewhere…it was like he could see it. Those swirling eyes going around in circles like a whirlpool, hypnotizing Arthur in a sense. For a second…he actually could see something. Maybe not actual pictures and images, that right there would have been witchcraft. But in a very abstract sort of was…the prince could see. He could see the despair and the loneliness and the sorrow…the absolute hatred and disgust…both for Arthur and for himself. The loathing Merlin must have felt for himself. Arthur almost staggers under the harsh and crashing weight of so many emotions. Were this…was this what Merlin felt on a daily basis? Was this what he felt like all the time? Arthur was only feeling one mere droplet of it, and already he was staggering. But just like that, Merlin was cutting him off. Steel forming over his eyes like some kind of metal door, built right in front of him in order to keep Arthur out. Because Arthur wasn't worthy of seeing what was going on behind the scenes. Wasn't worthy of climbing up over the wall to see what was going on…
"You…don't."
The words wrenched themselves out of Arthur as if he had just been punched in the gut…god, had he been going on about this the wrong way? All this time, he had been convinced that Merlin needed him to keep an eye on him. Needed him to watch over him because only Arthur could keep him safe and well but it wasn't like that at all…not when Arthur had been the one to hurt him the most. Even now, when Arthur had been so adamant on changing his ways to try and show Merlin he could do better…be better…be somebody Merlin wouldn't want to commit suicide in front of, it had only taken one single kiss from Gwen to go ripping his resolve down around him. It had taken one simple kiss for Arthur to backtrack and go back to how he had been treating Merlin…only with an added component to it. Because Arthur sure hadn't been kissing on Merlin before all of this….shouldn't have been kissing on Merlin now…fuck! This was all so weird and complicated. And Arthur wished for nothing more than to go back into the past…back to the day they met and just start over completely. Make sure none of this tension and hatred and gut wrenching horror had ever came into being.
"You don't need me…"
And wasn't that just the heart wrenching truth if Arthur had ever heard it. The consort didn't need him…he could take care of himself. Merlin had been doing a grand job before Arthur had came into his life, or at least Arthur assumed he had been. He definitely hadn't been suicidal when he'd first arrived within the city. But somewhere along the way, Arthur had gotten things so twisted. He'd been piling his wishes and his wants onto Merlin, and Merlin had slowly started to drown under the weight. With Arthur none the wiser of the damage he had been causing…there was no faking the look that had been in Merlin's eyes. He had seen true anguish there. And he knew he had been the one to put it there. His knees shook, and he wasn't altogether sure he wasn't going to fall back to the ground again.
"You are damn right, I don't need you! There's a reason I did what I did and you and I both know exactly why that was." Merlin said, his tone being stifled and stiff and Arthur winced. There had been no warmth in Merlin's voice, as if his kiss had been what had finally sent Merlin straight over the edge. And he'd deserve it. Arthur deserved to get down onto his knees and lay at Merlin's pale little feet, and offer himself for whatever punishment he would deem fit for him to have. "Nobody was going to save me from you, nobody could save me…not if I wanted to get out. You can go on and on and on about how you risked your own life to save mine but the truth of the matter is clear. I had to save myself if I didn't want to live under your oppressive shadow. I didn't have any choice!"
Arthur's head whipped back up and his mouth popped open momentarily…the consort didn't have any other choice? That wasn't right. He could have easily chosen not to take his life as he had chosen to do it. He didn't Need to do any of this! If Merlin had simply talked to him, then everything would've started to get better. Then everything…Arthur's jaw clamped tight…because Merlin 'had' talked to him…hadn't he? Not about this particular issue, Arthur would've been hard pressed to forget something like this. But about other things. And Arthur had dismissed him time and time again, even whenever he'd actually brought him something serious. Why would Merlin think this time was any different? He was the reason Merlin felt like he couldn't speak of something as important as his mental health.
"Merlin-" Arthur spoke, licking at his incredibly dry lips, trying to ignore what it felt like when the pressure of another set's had been stiff beneath him. "There is always a choice! You've got options…" Arthur trailed off when his eyes were caught up in the searing blue of Merlin's. The prince swallowed hard, knowing he wasn't doing anything to help this situation. But ignoring Merlin's suicidal tendencies wasn't an option. Maybe Arthur was oppressive just as Merlin had said, but if it kept Merlin alive…what was wrong with that? Other than Arthur's sudden desire for Merlin to 'want' to live. Arthur could try and force Merlin to live all he wanted, just as he had with the curing flower. But getting Merlin to want to was an entirely different game, and Arthur didn't have any idea how he was supposed to play it. Even now, he found himself floundering with all of the uncertainty, as if one word would be enough to send Merlin careening over the edge once again. Only this time, Arthur wouldn't be able to save him…the man shook his head violently. And made his promises to Merlin, "What if I promise it will all be different from now on? What if you…you tell me what's everything I did wrong and we just…go from there. We can fix this Merlin…I can fix this and all you have to do it let me. I'm 'asking you' this time, Merlin. Let me fix this for you…for us."
Arthur was very much aware of how he was practically begging Merlin to help him do this, but he couldn't bring himself to care. It was as if Arthur had done had his pride stripped from his core, from his bones. Leaving him, for the very first time, vulnerable to Merlin and his whims. Because what was a man's pride really? Only something that had forced Arthur to keep his guard up and force Merlin to a distance where Arthur wouldn't be able to see him. Not really. What kind of pride did a man have when…when he had lost his pride the second that he stooped so low as to press his mouth against Merlin's…Arthur might as well not have any pride left. He might as well go all the way and beg Merlin to help him with this, and for a second…Arthur was sure it had worked. Merlin's eyes were searching his face as if he was trying to find something there, and Arthur was very much aware of how he straightened up. Aware of how he tried fixing his shirt so that it set straighter around his broad shoulders-it had gone askew after Merlin had thrown him to the floor, carrying more strength in his fist then Arthur would have thought. He was preening…trying to make himself look as if he was more confident than he felt. But he must have failed, because he could see the storm clouds forming in Merlin's eyes. Thunder and lightning crackling with the intention of burning Arthur with flames that needed no match or torch to do it with.
"DON'T PATRONIZE ME, ARTHUR! I told you I wasn't that stupid and naive boy I was when I first got here! You don't get to do this to me and then act like you deserve one minute of my time. You don't deserve anything from me!" Snarled Merlin, vicious and cruel with his delivery. But the consort didn't care…he was the one in charge rather Arthur liked it or not. Arthur could just leave if he did not want Merlin to yell at him for a change. Just like he always did…leaving him all alone to work out his problems by himself. Even problems given to him due to his position in the royal family. He wasn't stupid. Arthur couldn't erase any of the things he'd done by 'trying to fix them'. So many things had caused this scar on Merlin's heart, one that felt like it had been ripped open all over again for Arthur's viewing pleasure. Blood could have been gushing out of this scar with how harshly his heart was thumping around in his chest. "Do you think for a single second I would allow you to do anything? Are you even sorry, because you sure haven't said one single apology to me! Do you feel bloody GUILTY for your part in what you did to me, because I don't know one single thing on what you're feeling! And you know what, I don't think I give a single fuck! I gave up on you a long time age, even if you didn't know it! Hell," Merlin's lips twisted back into something cruel and unfamiliar to Arthur. "Are you even here for me? Or are you here because you finally found out about my uncle? You sure were upset when everybody left and the first thing you did was start fussing at me about Uncle Gaius. You wouldn't want to upset your prized physician, after all."
Arthur flinched with each and every word, his insides quivering because there was no justification here. His hands fell away from where he had straightened out his shirt…looking presentable wasn't going to do him any favors here. Not when Merlin's spoke the cold, hard truth…Arthur hadn't apologized to him. In all their fighting, the words 'I'm sorry' had never left his lips. Not really. He had said those words before, once or twice, in other situations. But this one…he'd been so caught up in trying to 'fix' everything, he hadn't thought to make true reparations on what he had already done. He wanted to 'fix things' without the pain of the past weighting them down. Wanted to move on with a better future in mind, without actually showing Merlin he was willing to throw himself head first into this. All Merlin had heard was pretty words Arthur could go back on at any moment…and he wasn't wrong. Most nobles would have only done what he had done because they wanted to be on the good side of their physician…
"I'm not trying to patronize you! I'm just…yes, okay, Merlin! It was this major shock to realize Gaius was your uncle! It's something I wish I could've found out because you told me, instead of Gaius mentioning it in passing as if it was something I should have known! But I didn't walk out of this kingdom and got you the cure because I wanted to get on his good side! You were dead! Or you were dying! And what was I supposed to do, sit around and watch and wait for it to just happen and-" Arthur's voice cut off abruptly when he saw Merlin had not wavered. Yes, Arthur realized as the breath escaped his lungs…Merlin had thought Arthur would just leave him to die. And honestly, Arthur was sure that Merlin never once considered he might be saved. Yet alone that Arthur would be the one to save him. Arthur hunched his shoulders, his fingers clenching at his sides as he lowered his voice into something rougher and real, "How about you just tell me what it is that will make you happy? Tell me what you want me to do."
That was yet another thing Arthur had been doing this entire time-whenever he wasn't shoving the fact that he kissed Merlin (he kissed him! Kissed him! It was most definitely not the proper moment to have a full on freak out about it) -was thinking about 'me, me, me.' Demanding Merlin tell Arthur what needed to be done so they could fix it. But if Merlin didn't want to fix it…Arthur did not know what he was going to do. Handing the reins over to Merlin though, letting him decide on what their next steps from here would be…maybe. Just maybe…it could lead them away from the rising tension. Even now, Arthur almost could have sworn lightening was crackling in the room, slicing through the stilling air with enough force it could have cut Arthur in two.
"I WANTED TO DIE! THAT WAS WHAT I WANTED! AND I WANTED YOU TO LET ME BLOODY WELL GO!" Merlin shrieked at him, his face flushing with his pain and anger. Merlin didn't have to push Arthur this time, before he fell back into the bookcase. Merlin continued to shriek at such a high pitched tone, it should have only been audible to dogs, and he started to pace back and forth in front of Arthur like a tiger caught in a cage. Like Arthur had paced from one wall of his cell to another. "I WANTED TO JUST BE DONE WITH IT BUT YOU DECIDED FOR ME! YOU DECIDED TO MAKE ME STAY HERE JUST SO YOU COULD RUIN ME SOME MORE! WELL I'M DONE BEING RUINED! ALL I WANT…ALL I WANT IS …"
Merlin's shirking trailed off, and Arthur could see a bit of wistfulness appearing in his eyes…Arthur's breath caught in his throat. He didn't know what Merlin is thinking about, but he knew he wanted to give it to him. Even if the quest was impossible to complete for a normal man, Arthur would do it just to keep that look in Merlin's eyes. It was the kind of look-selfish as it was-that Arthur may have wanted to see after he'd kissed Merlin. As fucked up as that was when one considered Arthur was still mentally freaking out about that, and holding himself together only be Merlin's ire, but there it was. All he needed was for Merlin to tell him…tell him, and let Arthur take care of everything. God, if only he could crawl into Merlin's head and figure out what had put that look in his eyes…Arthur's jaw went tight when Merlin's eyes sharpened on him. Whatever wistfulness disappearing as fast as it had appeared.
"The only thing I want to do is live the life I've been denied because of being your consort. And I don't even know if that possible for me to do anymore. Not when I don't even know who I am anymore!" Merlin spoke, his voice lower but no less cruel in its deliver. And Arthur sucked in a breath, swearing he'd been sliced open, the guilt hitting him harder all of a sudden, nearly crippling him to his knees. Like a blow to the head…like the blow against his head from the fist of his consort. He should have known…Merlin didn't want the things that could be given to him. He always wanted something impossible…something that was out of Arthur's reach for the simple fact that it wasn't something physical. But how could Arthur even begin to say…he wanted that too. He wanted Merlin to have…whatever life it was he wanted. But, Arthur had a feeling that said life is not going to include him. And could he do that? If it was possible for him to be able to find a way out of the contract with Merlin…could he let him go? As the prince's obsession with Merlin-as fucked up as his obsession turned out to be -had grow far past whatever that little piece of paper had dictated from them to do. "But why should I bother asking for anything, it isn't like asking ever got me anything before! I also wanted my damn husband, but I don't bloody have one of those either! Just a clout trying to get by with what he's been born with and damn the people beneath him!"
Arthur's mouth popped open…a clout? He was pretty sure he had never been called a clout before a day in his entire life. But it seemed only fitting for Merlin to be the one to call him names…a few unsettling name calling was the least of what he deserved. But the part that had Arthur's insides quivering in full force all over again, the part that had him pressing against the bookcase though that was pointless. He knew Merlin wasn't going to jump him-not sexually, at least, but the jury was still out on physically-but it still made him so uneasy. The way Merlin had said he'd wanted a husband…and a husband had certain duties that needed to be taken care of. Things that couldn't be taken care of by a random lover or two on the side…things like intimacy. Kisses shared when there'd been no kisses, once upon a time. Kisses that Arthur would already be prepared for simply because he knew how Merlin tasted. And if Merlin wanted to take it far further than that…rolling around in Arthur's silk red sheets. Now, Arthur knew that wasn't the case. His still throbbing head convulsing where Merlin had hit him to get Arthur off-how could he have not gotten off at the first sign of him being distressed! How did it take biting his still throbbing tongue and a hit on the head to get him off!-could attest to that. But his body still seized up, trying to urge him to leave before he made things much worse than he already had…
For both him and Merlin.
"You've ruined my life, Arthur Pendragon! I might be breathing, I might be alive right now, but you might as well have killed me yourself."
Arthur's entire body stiffened, so stiff, he was sure even his heart had gone and stopped in his ribcage. Slowly, so very slowly, Arthur's eyes drifted from the door. And his eyes landed on Merlin, breathing raggedy and harsh, as if it would be the last breath he ever took. And Arthur knew then…he knew that he could not possibly leave Merlin like this. Here he was, trying to make all kinds of promises and assurances, and his very first instinct the second Merlin said something that could've been misconstrued as something else…was to run as far away as he could. He couldn't do that to him. He couldn't allow…could not allow his own inner homophobia and fear of the unknown to chase him away at this moment. What kind of message would Arthur be sending Merlin, if he can not even face him head on with this…
He hadn't ran away when he had kissed him.
He shouldn't run away now.
"…I don't want you to die, Merlin." Arthur said, breathing out this heavy exhale that sounded more tired than he wanted to admit, and Merlin Pendragon only scoffed at the sentiment. A dumber man than Merlin might fall for such petty tricks, but he was no fool. And Arthur pushed himself off the bookcase, taking a few uncertain steps towards Merlin. As if each step might be the one that is going to send a fist flying at him…a fist Arthur wouldn't try defending himself from, though he knew he very well could. "And I have learned some things in a very short amount of time. Things I've never considered before about you and what you might have been going through. I know I cannot promise things won't be even worse in the future, for I have no idea what will happen. But if you will allow me, I can swear it to you…on my honor as a prince, that I will do better in our future interactions. To make sure you are not…belittled. Or…or abused. Or anything that I know will upset you-"
This was supposed to be a solemn swear, one made in good faith toward those who needed it the most. Any knight worth their salt would know how honoring it was for a noble to swear on their royal title. It was basically like putting it all on the line, their worth to their title depending on whether they succeeded or not with their oath. Perhaps this was the wrong method to use, but Arthur was so out of his depth with Merlin, he resorted back to the only tactics he knew to use. The political ones, rather than the emotional ones. But it seemed as if the consort would never be happy with what Arthur did, because the prince ended up cut off with a loud snort. And then a laugh…Merlin was laughing at him. But not a kind one. It was brittle and sarcastic, more of a bark than an actual laugh of any kind. And Arthur…he was helpless to see what he could've done to force Merlin's temper this time.
"Do you really think I want your petty swears? It's just more promises you will use to try and placate me!" Merlin barked out another laugh, and he whipped his hand up to jab sharply in the prince's direction. Arthur went cross eyed as he stared at the sole digit just inches from his nose. "I wanted those promises from you months ago, but you didn't want to get me any reassurances then. I see absolutely no reason for you to give them to me now. I mean…one incident draws your attention to me and now, you decide you suddenly want to try and play nice? It's a little too late for that, Arthur Pendragon. Because I no longer have an interest in 'playing nice' or trying to co-exist with you. Or anything. I ALMOST DIED, ARTHUR!" Merlin shouted, jabbing himself in his chest with his finger, frantic and agitated and so, so very angry at Arthur. "You don't get the opportunity to come in here and 'fix things' just so you can say you tried and move on with your life. You don't get to come in here and make promises when you do not know one damn thing that I've been living through. You don't know anything because you never bothered to ask! And I am not here to be nothing more than a scapegoat for whenever something goes wrong in your kingdom. I have to believe I am so much more than that. So much more than you will ever know…I have to be-"
Merlin broke off, voice sounding just as brittle and as broken as his laugh had sounded. And Arthur's heart seized up in his chest, feeling as if he'd had this noose strung around his neck and tightened for his execution…Merlin looked so lost right now. So absolutely lost. As if he wasn't seeing Arthur at all, or he might be seeing too much of Arthur. Seeing Arthur's faults flayed out and open for him. Was it wrong for Arthur to want to find the thickest and warmest of all blankets in the entire kingdom, just to he could wrap Merlin's scrawny frame in it? It probably was…his father would certainly say it was. They couldn't waste a good material like a blanket of that magnitude on a simple boy who didn't have the proper parents that would allow him to deserve it. But perhaps having him a kindly uncle, might afford Merlin the king's generosity…but Arthur's king did not have any place in these conversations. And Arthur watched as his consort turned away from him, starting to pace the room in full, his hands curled inside his chest as he played with his fingers. As if he was trying to make himself out to be far smaller, under Arthur's watchful stare.
Making himself less of a target, should Arthur be the one to try and attack him instead.
Arthur brought himself a half step closer-this time, Merlin seemed too far gone to hear the subtle creaking of the wood underneath his boot-to try and hear all the words Merlin was muttering under his breath. Things clearly meant for him as he tried to calm himself down, viciously cruel things, "Gonna fucking kill his royal pratness my self one of these days. Take a fancy blade and shove it right up his arsehole. Get some kind of justice….revenge? No. Justice sounds better …don't know. Don't know. Don't know….I'm just done. Don't with him and done with everything else and done with…I'm just done."
Arthur grimaced at what he was hearing, it sounded like the ravings of a mad man…an absolutely crazy madman. And it was his consort speaking in such ravings. He needed to put a stop to it…had he really driven Merlin into such crazy ramblings? It didn't seem real, to think Arthur had such a major impact on Merlin. But he had…Arthur waited until Merlin was starting to walk past him once again in his pacing. And when Merlin got close, Arthur reached out so he could grab onto Merlin's shoulder, with every intention of bringing Merlin back to reality. The response was…not what he expected.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
Merlin's scream was high pitched and fearful, a true shock to Arthur's system, and had him jerking his hand back horrified. His ears still rung from the shock of it…Merlin had screamed at him in this one conversation alone. But this was something else entirely…Arthur took a step back from Merlin. Watching as his consort bled without the blood. Watched as his consort melted inside himself, unable to hold himself straight. Watched as the cage Merlin had built around his heart to protect himself, come falling down around them both. Forcing the prince to not only see his anguish, but to share in it as well. Forced Arthur to feel the stinging of pain as acutely as if it were his own. And Arthur thought he would forever remember this moment, as the moment Merlin broke.
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! I HATE IT WHEN YOU TOUCH ME! I HATE WHEN YOU PIN ME DOWN TO STUFF! I HATE WHEN YOU TRY TO CONTROL ME AND WHAT I DO! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!"
Merlin's shriek grew louder and louder with every word, sounding more like he was deranged than anything else. Any normal and sane person would've most likely considered him the perfect candidate for a mental asylum. And yet…the prince simply tucked his hand behind his back, solemnly watching Merlin when the other boy brought his hands up to his eyes. Burying the eye sockets in the palms of his hands. Merlin's breath hitched as if he was about to start sobbing himself to death. And Arthur wondered if he'd ever be forgiven. Even if he did something as drastic as cutting off his own hand that had offended Merlin so badly, and offering the still bloody limb to him like some kind of demented and disturbing peace offering. Arthur could make do without a hand. Merlin could not make do with a broken soul…
Had Merlin always felt so strongly against all those times Arthur had went and pinned his body to something? It had been quite a while since Arthur had done that, but remembering Merlin's body underneath him now felt more like a sore point than anything else. Why, the last time Arthur had done it was when…the prince audibly swallowed but it was drowned out by…oh god, was Merlin now crying? The consort had seemed to forgotten Arthur was even here, and had started crying-sobbing-harder into his hands. Arthur clenched his hands into fists,..the last time Arthur held Merlin down was during their kiss. But before it, it was impossible for Arthur to say when. Impossible for Arthur to think when it was Merlin's heart wrenching sobs ringing in his ears. But there was very little he could do to comfort him..how stupid could he be to not know how he could comfort his consort? He couldn't just punch him on the arm like he would with one of his knights and tell him to cheer up. But he couldn't wrap his arms fully around him so he could cry on his shoulder either…Merlin had made it clear to the prince that this would not be looked upon favorable. And he wasn't entirely sure he was ready to try touching Merlin that…intimately, quite yet.
But Arthur needed to stop being selfish in light of his consort's anguish.
FUCK! Arthur wanted to get mad and punch the wall as hard as he could, just to make a dent the size of his fist in the stone. But he was worried that would only set Merlin off again…the Merlin he watched trying to move his arms along his face to wipe away the tears that Arthur should have been wiping away just for him…if he was a better man. This wasn't right! Arthur had always seen the moments where he pinned Merlin down as some sort of game. Arthur trying to 'test the waters' so to speak. See what reactions he would get out of Merlin, or see how hard he would fight to pull away, or see how tense he could get as the prince pulled answer out of answer from his lips…it had all been a stupid game between them! A new and interesting and slightly sinful game to coax answers out of Merlin whenever he wanted them. Because it was funner to tease what he wanted to know from Merlin, rather than just simply asking him. But if he'd known how Merlin had felt about it…he wouldn't have done it for even a single second. No matter how much it threatened to pull Arthur into its lure…
He wouldn't…
Arthur squeezed his eyes shut for a brief minute and shook his head with this almost violent abandonment. He refused to believe he wouldn't have stopped if he knew how badly Merlin was reacting to it. Just like he refused to believe it had really been him who'd grabbed Merlin's wrist before he could slap him and kept kissing him….did it make him gay? That he had kissed Merlin. No, no, no…that was a whole mess of problems Arthur wasn't getting into. Kissing Merlin'd been clearly a…a mistake. It didn't make him gay-his heart seized at that word, as if his father would know that question had grazed his mind the very next time they met-just for having a lapse in judgment. But honestly…Arthur was so very selfish to be thinking about that issue when Merlin was brawling like some awful baby right in front of him. Arthur's fists grew tighter by his side and they were almost vibrating at his sides with his anger…anger at himself.
He had been so bloody blind!
But not…not anymore.
"Then tell me." Arthur spoke sharply, before he could talk himself out of it. The consort's breath hitched at the sound of his voice before he went quite still, as if just remembering he was in the presence of Arthur. The blond's heart ached in agony, knowing Merlin was probably just like him. Somebody who didn't cry in front of other people. Or…at least he was now. And he shouldn't have to be that kind of person. Merlin should feel confident enough to cry in his presence and know Arthur wouldn't scorn him for it. He might have before all of this, but things have changed in such a short time. Yelling at Merlin no longer gave him the sick pleasure it used too. "You said I didn't understand. And I don't know what you have been through. Well, this is your chance to tell me, this is me 'asking you' to tell me what it is that I've been missing."
There was a moment of pure silence, where Arthur was positive Merlin wasn't going to tell him a damn thing. And Arthur would be forced to put the pieces together from the second hand knowledge he had learned from Gaius, when all he wanted was to hear it directly from Merlin. Because he was sure there was bits and pieces that not even Gaius would know about Merlin and his inner feelings. Things that Arthur should be fully aware of, but had neglected due to his previous hatred of their situation. But then, Merlin picked his head from his hands, and all Arthur could see was wet blue eyes. The consort's face looked to be absolutely stained. Trails of red marking his pale cheeks from the hottest of tears still streaming down his face, baring his heart and soul just for Arthur to see the damage he's caused upon him.
"You want to know me, Arthur Pendragon? You want me to speak of things I've tried to keep to myself because I knew you wouldn't care?" Merlin spoke with a surprisingly detached voice, despite his appearance. And Arthur watched in an almost sickly fascination as Merlin lifted up his arm until he could swipe at one half of his face with his elbow, making his face look raw as he scraped at his tears. "Well then, fine. Do you know…" Merlin trailed off, looking as like he didn't know where to even start, now that he was finally speaking. But Arthur was learning the valuable art of patience, and didn't dare speak up for fear of Merlin backtracking and not allowing him this soon to be peek inside of Merlin and his head. "…Do you even know how confused I've been ever since I arrived here?"
Arthur had been holding his breath this entire time, just waiting for the worse of what Merlin could tell him. Just waiting for Merlin to tell him more things he hated about Arthur that he hadn't known…like the pinning to the wall thing his consort had hated in contrast to Arthur's want. But this wasn't what he heard at all…being confused was entirely mild compared to what he had thought his consort would start screaming about. But being confused was something that he might actually be able to work with…if Merlin allowed him. If Merlin allowed Arthur to work with it…he could probably take care of any confusion, whatever Merlin wanted to know could be available to him in a heartbeat.
"But no, you wouldn't know how confused I've been." Merlin continued, as he really started getting into his lecture. Practically word vomiting everywhere as he got more and more agitated. "You've been here your entire life, Arthur! You have a bloody royal education! And you still don't understand how messed up all of this is for me! I'm a bloody peasant! Your royal ways baffles me far more than anything I've experienced back home! And when it's not the ways of your nobleness that confuses me, it's the people! I'm so lost as I scrambled about just to find my footing! When it's not about what to do as consort, it's how the people talk to me! Everywhere I go, somebody seems to know something very important and private about me thanks to that damn rumor mill that is always turning! Even making up bloody lies about me, and I don't have a clue until I'm trying to fix whatever it is!"
Arthur's muscles went tense, as if he was a virtual spring that was about to go popping across the room after it had been pulled taunt. When Merlin had first started speaking, Arthur was fairly confident that education was something he could fix. It's something everybody's been talking about to him, something he had neglected for what he thought was bigger and better things. He could get Merlin a private tutor, perhaps even the one Arthur had once had whenever he had been doing his schooling. Could teach him something peasants just didn't know how to do-as Merlin had once pointed out to him-like reading. And once that was over with, an entire new world could be open up to Merlin. He could learn the geography of the land surrounding Camelot. Could read on the laws and the court system of Camelot when faced with criminals…something that'd most likely happen if Merlin was still sticking around when Arthur was the king of the kingdom. Could teach him how to do proper math in order to keep up to date with the royal coffees or the treasury, how to understand reports given to him from the farms on the outskirts of the city that supplied them with all their grains and vegetables. Make him aware of the hunting population and when or where it was the most successful season for it…let him learn about the culture from the other surrounding kingdoms so he wouldn't offend anybody the next time they had royal guests. All of which was just a sample of the things Arthur had learned…Merlin as consort, might also need to know things like planning a proper banquet or what topics were acceptable for discussion between foreign lands or even which fork should be used with his salad and which fork was for his actual meal. And since Arthur could admit how smart Merlin was, he's sure Merlin would be able to pick it up in no time. If Arthur only gave him the proper materials to learn with.
But then Merlin had started speaking about the people, and the blond was at a loss for what to do with them. If there was one thing Arthur had learned, it was that people talked. And talked and talked and talked. It was almost impossible to get a proper narrative going because there was always something new that was added to the story as it got spread from mouth to mouth. He hardly paid it any mind nowadays unless it was something major that affected him enough to garner his attention. Unlike his father, who had managed to develop the art of getting the rumor mill to work for him, feeding whatever narrative he wanted to the right person and watching it go from there. Arthur was still young, and did not have the right touch his father did when it came to public relations…
But he was used to it…
Merlin was not.
Arthur might as well have thrown Merlin to the sharks, encouraging this blood bath of epic proportions.
"I mean, you go on and on always fussing at me. Do you seriously think you're the only victim to the contract both of our parents signed? Do you somehow think I've managed to coerce this entire charade together before I was even in my mother's belly? Because you seem to think you are the only one affected by what has happened!" Merlin had already moved on to screaming at him on their next issue, before Arthur had the chance to prod more answers out of his consort…like what rumors had Merlin heard about himself that was bothering him the most. Arthur could hardly stop the people from talking, but he surely could do something! To make Merlin more comfortable. "Oh, poor, poor little Prince Arthur, force to live out the rest of his days with a peasant tugging on his coattails! Poor Prince Arthur forced to be stuck with a peasant hanging off his arm like nothing more than a damn accessory! Like your rings or jewels or crown or whatever other shiny piece of metal you'll wear for the amusement of the public's eye! Let's forget all about the peasant who is forced to endure the mere problem that is your very presence! Because newsflash, I didn't have one thing to do with our arrangement! It wasn't my choice! And I would rather have died a thousand deaths than last one single minute of your mere presence in which you continue to take your anger out on me!"
Merlin stopped momentarily, only so he could suck in high copious amounts of breath, needing more air in his lungs before he could start screaming at Arthur again. And this time…Arthur didn't even try to say anything. He honestly felt as if he had shrunken down to two inches tall, his shoulders hunching forward in some odd way of shielding himself from the truth of Merlin's words. Honestly, Arthur had known Merlin hadn't had anymore say in what happened with their arrangement than Arthur had. But he had treated Merlin like he had. Or at least treated Merlin like he'd gotten the better end of the deal than Arthur'd gotten himself. Marrying a prince was a dream of many people, something that would be virtually unheard of if one was a peasant. So Arthur had treated Merlin like he was some kind of line theft…a person who coerced their way into marriage and stopped a proper coupling from creating the next generation with mixing their bloodlines. Had treated Merlin as if he was going to start stuffing full his pockets with gold, wasting their money on things he didn't need just because he could…even when Merlin didn't do that, Arthur hadn't treated him well. Not even when Arthur literally placed the gold in Merlin's hand and been denied of the pleasure of seeing Merlin take it, had he changed any towards Merlin.
..Arthur still felt the insane urge to tuck his left hand behind his back to hide his wedding ring-the only jewel he wore at the moment-from Merlin's eyesight, as if it would prove his point if he saw it.
"You literally think your mere presence is some kind of gift from the heavens, and you're a god just because your father happens to be king! Big deal! I've got a mother who's one hell of a seamstress but I've never treated people in my village like shit whenever they showed up asking my mother for help with keeping their lines straight! Maybe being a seamstress cannot even begin to compare to royalty, but at least I was raised better than you clearly were! At least I know how to not be a complete jackarse! But why should I even expect for you to know how awful your behavior is! Everybody just melts when they're face to face with you! Willing to allow you to kick dirt in their faces while they continue smiling because they are too bloody scared to tell you how much of your behavior is appalling and completely unacceptable! Either that or they are literally blinded by the gold of your hair and are willing to put up with anything from you, even pure disrespect! Just because they think it will please you! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is! People throwing themselves down at your mercy. And you, reaping in the benefits but refusing to show anybody just a modicum of respect! It's not bloody hard to be nice to somebody, even if it's not me, who's below you! But on, that's right. I forgot. Servants don't deserve their own bloody prince appreciating the work they do to clothe you, and feed you, and keep your chambers clean. And the million of other things that all do around here! The million of things I would be doing if I somehow ended up in Camelot without a marriage being held over my head!"
And Merlin stopped to once again take in deep copious breaths of air, and the prince had somehow shrunken into himself even more. Where he had stood at two inches tall, once upon a time, he had now shrunken into one. And going so far as to wish his burnt orange tunic had more of a collar on it, just so he could hide his face from view. His first instinct had been to try and protest…his own people were not scared of him! They just knew who their betters were, and the same people knew who he was and showering him with respect was the least they could do. Since Arthur was expected to take the throne and lead them all into a peaceful future. But something held Arthur back…this wasn't his turn to speak. This was Merlin's show, and Arthur was only living in it. This was Merlin getting every bit of his grievances out on him, Arthur had been the one to ask after all…he couldn't protest or try defending himself just because he liked not what Merlin said. Servants and their treatment had always been a sore point of Merlin's, what, with how many times Arthur had once tried convincing Merlin to stay away from them. It was quite hard to imagine though…somebody as bright and as vibrate as Merlin, wasting his days away washing socks if the contract between their families had never existed.
"Did you know I was practically kidnapped in order to come here?" Continued Merlin, and Arthur's head whipped up with surprise, eyes going wide with his shock. Kidnapped…he pondered shakily…to come here? Arthur hadn't thought of what must've happened when the Camelot Knights had shown up to collect his male bride. It had honestly never even occurred to Arthur to find out what happened that night. Arthur had just 'assumed' Merlin had been waiting for the day to come where he would become the Prince's Consort of Camelot. He had assumed Merlin would've been thrilled at the prospect of coming to the grand city and making his home here with the wealth amassed by Arthur and each of his forebears. Had assumed Merlin had came rushing to Camelot as fast as he could in order to obtain what was being handed to him on a silver platter…that wasn't the case. Was it? Merlin must've seen his shock and nodded his head in an aggressive manner, "Yep! I was forced here! I was perfectly happy with the things I had back home! Sure, it wasn't much but it was mine! This tiny slice of heaven with just my mother and me. It wasn't always great, life in the middle of nowhere is hard but my mother settled us there because she regretted signing my rights away before I was even born! She knew this life wasn't going to be a good one for me. She knew it! But then Camelot found us though only god will know how, and then Leon was at my door. And my entire world turned upside down in a single night! I thought of every excuse under the sun for why it was not something that could happen! And Leon countered me at every turn! There was no escaping this life' I left my mother crying on our doorstep! And the only reason I walked out without Leon putting chains on me to stop me from trying to run, is because I knew they were going to take me one way or the other! I'd not subject my mother to watching her only son being taken away in cuffs and rope tied to the back of a horse so they could force me to walk the entire way to the city! And then I come here, and I meet you! And you do not even know how hard any of this is! You don't know how difficult it is trying to adjust to a new status. A new kingdom. A new family. An entire life where not one friendly face was there to greet me! God, who bloody hell knows what I would've done if my mother hadn't decided to speak about my uncle and sent me here to try making a new familiar connection! I probably would've ended up in a gutter far sooner than I drunk the poison!"
Arthur's shoulders were nearly up to his ears at this point, and he could have been cowering before Merlin…such a funny thing, that was. Arthur could face witches, people with magic shields, monsters made out of muck…all things he could do without flinching or blinking an eye. And yet, it was Merlin…a simple boy with frightening accuracy for the truth, that had him cowering like he were a newborn fowl. Too unsteady on new legs to face what was ahead of him…to face Merlin. And the truth of what had happened to him, because once again, Merlin wasn't wrong. Arthur's transition into this marriage had been horrible at best, but at least he still had the familiar comforts of home. He could escape to his ordinary day-to-day activities and try pretending as if Merlin had never happened to him-even if that failed each and every time he had tried putting him to the back of his mind. What had Merlin had to comfort him other than his uncle? Arthur had seen Merlin's entire room and belongings, he knew the other didn't have much more than a few simple outfits and a few occasional smaller trinkets that Arthur had once broken. Nothing really, that Merlin could have to remind him of whatever backwater hole he'd been dragged out of. Arthur…he honestly didn't think he could have done this. Move to another kingdom with a brand new life, expected to start over as if the old one had meant nothing…
Arthur's stomach muscles clenched tighter…
Perhaps Merlin was stronger than he knew, to have lasted as long as he had,
"And hey, you can ask Leon if you don't believe me, because we had a nice and long talk as he was escorting me over the boarder about you…about how optimistic I was trying to be. So you can't say I'm the one to blame or accuse me of not trying to make things work out, I wanted them too. God, so bloody naive I was to put my hopes and expectations on a bloody stranger who would want nothing to do with me!" Merlin shook his head violently, looking like he'd started seeing past Arthur at this point. Just fussing for the sake of fussing…all of this bottled up for so long that it came pouring out of him. And Arthur's stomach lurched harshly enough that he had to put a hand on his stomach to try and settle himself. "It was silly of me to think I could get a new friend out of this deal, try and learn how we could work together. But it was even sillier of me to think we could be more like actual partners…silly of me to expect you'd be open to it since we were both being thrown into this impossible situation! I wanted-all I wanted-was a decent bloody person, somebody who could try to tolerate me, at the very least, if they couldn't love me. And now I won't have a single chance at finding a person like that! Especially since I'm too busy doing what is expected of ME for your great image! Never mind the fact that I do not seem to do anything but offend people! I could be the best damn consort this kingdom has ever seen, and I will always be nothing more than a simple, dirty peasant boy who should be grateful to lick the dirt off his prince's boots, yet alone actually share his name!"
Each word of Merlin's latest spiral made the twisting in Arthur's belly grow far worser than anything he could remember experiencing before in his entire life. It…this was so wrong. On so many levels. And it was one more thing Arthur had never considered before…what Merlin might've expected for Arthur to be like before they had met. It discontented Arthur, made him anxious and torn and…disgusted with himself. Knowing he hadn't risen to what Merlin wanted from him. Knowing he had disappointed Merlin time and time again, and now that disappointment was being waved about for all to see. And then to add insult to injury…Merlin had talked about the kind of man he wanted, even if it was only a brief mention. It stricken Arthur-a sourness forming on his tongue to combat Merlin's sweetness-to hear Merlin talk about himself this way. And hear him say he wanted a partner who…tolerated him. The very word seemed to set Arthur on edge, the hair on his forearms standing on edge at this kind of insult…Merlin should want something more than a man who 'tolerated him'. He should have higher standards than that! Should want a partner who wanted to worship the very ground he walked on. To be the one to press kisses against his boots, thanking the gods for allowing somebody as headstrong as Merlin into their life. Everybody could probably benefit from having a Merlin in their life…Arthur dropped his gaze down onto his own boots. Shame burning in his cheeks, his hand on his stomach clenching his shirt into folds…he knew there was never a chance for him being the kind of man Merlin wanted. This grand obsession of him-the burning press of tongue and lips forcing entrance into an uncooperative mouth pounded away inside his head until Arthur grew restless with it-had been doomed from the very start,
…Wherever it had been going before his assault on Merlin's person threw him for a loop.
"But you know what!" Merlin was finally starting to wind down, though he kept moving his arms through the air in violent gestures, something he had done all this time, making Arthur wonder rather or not he would get another deserved punch to the head, though it never came. "Somebody else can take you, and somebody else can have your name, and somebody else can have the bloody burden of being the unwanted one around here! Because I am done hiding who I am or struggling to find my place here because of how I was born! I will never be ashamed of what or who I am! I will never want your riches or your castle or having servants for things any child is capable of doing for themselves! But I'll be damned if you ever speak to me as if any of this is my fault! As if I deserve to be treated like some kind of gutter rat. I will be DAMNED if you ever TRY TO FUCKING LOOK DOWN YOUR NOSE AT ME AGAIN, ARTHUR PENDRAGON!"
By the time Merlin had stopped yelling at him, the room was so fraught with this awful tension that could have shattered like glass. And shatter it seemed to do, as Arthur heart lodged itself somewhere in his gut. Merlin looked to be so bloody furious at him, but the hurt shining in his eyes told a different story on how he felt. Arthur was usually the one in control, he was confident taking charge when he needed too, like slipping into the same armor he wore more than a thousand times. He was used to people's lives depending on him, and the weight of the burden that carried. Aware of each decision would cause his people either great relief or great problems. And yet…Merlin had somehow got beneath his notice. Strange it was…Arthur had thought he'd been watching his consort so very closely. Thought he had known everything he needed to know about Merlin. And yet…somehow…it turned out that he had known not a single thing at all. How could he say he watched Merlin constantly, and had somehow missed the hurt building inside of Merlin…it had been only a matter of time and when before Merlin popped his fuse.
And the worse part was…Arthur didn't know what he could do to fix this. Didn't know how he could fix what he had broken between them. Didn't know if still having the taste of Merlin lingering on his lips was a sign to cut his losses and leave Merlin to deal with this on his own, something that would certainly result in another suicide attempt at some point in the near future. Or if it was a sign telling him to stay, work things out…do something to prove himself in Merlin's eyes other than making 'petty promises' Merlin doubted he would keep. Arthur wasn't usually a man who believed in signs though, or superstitious nonsense. He was a man of fact and seeing what was right in front of him and making his decisions based on what he knew. And though it would be easier for Arthur to go, he did the one thing he'd never done for Merlin before. He stayed. Just in time to hear Merlin go into a coughing fit. The type of coughing that sounded as if somebody was trying to hack up a lung, Merlin's already raw throat made to sound as if he was eighty years old, grabbing onto the footboard of his bed to keep himself from falling over as his entire body rattled from the force of his cough.
"MERLIN! You need to sit down on the bed! You're still ill!" Arthur exclaimed in a mad panic, his senses driven into overdrive as he rushed straight to Merlin's side without thinking. He could have bloody well cursed himself for still being so careless with Merlin and his health. Merlin had just undergone an extremely serious illness, and just because he had been administered the cure, it didn't mean Merlin's body was strong enough to handle this kind of conversation. It was a long overdue one, yes. But it wasn't one that couldn't wait until Merlin's body was strong enough to stand for long periods of time yelling at him before it started hitting him. "Here! Just let me help you sit down on the bed! Please, forgive me for not realizing earlier how bad your health is! It's so stupid of me to have let you go on for so long without a break. Not even I could've gotten up after being poisoned like you did…do you need your uncle? Should I go and fetch him now?"
Despite his earlier urges to run away, and now with a clear opportunity to do so without it looking bad on him, Arthur found himself extremely reluctant to just walk away right now. Merlin needed him….needed him…needed him…the prince couldn't fail him on something so simple! If he failed to help settle him down now, then how would he ever go about helping him with the larger things that have happened? Or will happen. But Arthur was also very much aware of how he was rambling like mad, scrambling about Merlin's person like a crazed old woman. His eyes shot over towards the door as his hands fluttered around Merlin, almost pleading with Gaius to come strolling through that door just so he could take charge of the situation and do all that physician know-how he's being paid to do. But the door still stayed stubbornly closed, and Merlin kept standing even as he hacked up a second lung. Bending forward until it looked as if Merlin's head could've been buried in-between his knees. And in Arthur's frenzied state, he forgot the one boundary Merlin had put up between them…
He grabbed onto Merlin's arm, with more gentleness that he thought he could ever possess towards somebody he'd just kissed-though he could hardly think of that just yet-so he could lead him back onto the bed. And his eyes skimmed the room to try and find where Gaius had left that basin of water. And if there's anything left in it for Arthur to ladle into a cup so he could take care of Merlin…sick people needed nourishment, right? It was practically fundamental for sick people to have plenty of fluids, or at least that was what Gaius had told him when he was bedridden with the flu just last year. Surely people who'd been poisoned weren't much different when it came to treatment options…or when it came to making the person more comfortable during their recovery period.
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! GOD, DO YOU HAVE THIS HEARING PROBLEM I SHOULD BE AWARE OF, OR DO YOU JUST LIKE STEPPING OVER BOUNDARIES I TRY TO PUT IN PLACE!" Merlin shrieked at him, pulling himself together only long enough to give Arthur's hands a sharp slapping, like one might do if they were scolding their unruly child. Arthur yanked his hands back with this almost great immediacy, the shame of failure hitting him hard as Merlin flopped back onto the edge of the bed so he could sit, looking like an uncoordinated fish at best. "This is exactly what I am talking about Arthur! You have absolutely not a single ounce of respect for anything I wish! Which I perfectly well understand if you don't, why bother listening to what I have to say, right? Who am I to give the prince orders when he shouldn't have to abide by any. But then you go and act like you want to help me…don't make me laugh. God," the dark haired boy shook his head in an almost vicious manner, his hands clenching the edge of the bed as if it would somehow steady him. "You wouldn't know what any kind of real marriage is supposed to look like if it bit you on the arse, would you?"
Arthur didn't know what he was supposed to say, torn between Merlin's words and not knowing which to address. Should he explain touching Merlin was only an accident, something he had done without thinking, something that was only instinctive due to Merlin's distress and he hadn't been able to combat his urge to help in anyway that he could? Or should he try explaining, if anybody could give him orders to what they wanted, it should have been Merlin. Arthur could follow orders, had been taught and raised to obey his father without question…it was why it had been so hard to break that mindset in order to run away and get Merlin his cure. But right now, the structure and rigidness or orders-when Arthur should have been the leader instead-was something he craved in order to make Merlin relax. But it was hard to relax when Merlin only saw Arthur like an enemy, somebody he thought would strike him down instead of helping him stand back up on his feet. But instead, something that wasn't even on the list of things Arthur was considering came out his lips…Merlin did always have this way of making his lips do the exact opposite of what he wanted.
"Then tell me…if you know so much about what a marriage is supposed to be like, I want to know."
Arthur could have swallowed his tongue (his tongue dancing across Merlin's lips and into his mouth, his tongue prodding at another's limp one, his tongue disappearing down the throat of the male before him), when Merlin scowled up at him. And though it wasn't the question he had been planning on asking and he wished he could take it back…he found that he also wanted to know. Know what Merlin's ideal marriage would've been like, know what would've stopped his consort from bouncing between men and possibly women now, know what Merlin was wanting out of them. Though Arthur was cautious as well, muscles in his thighs tensing and relaxing simultaneously, preparing to flee if all this is going to turn into a conversation Arthur wasn't ready to be part of. Even if the blond had…had…had KISSED Merlin, didn't mean he was in anyway ready to be hearing about how Merlin wished for them to have sex now. Okay, so maybe it wasn't going to be an issue considering Merlin didn't want Arthur to touch on him, but there was every chance Merlin wanted Arthur to make his place within the royal family more secure than it was. Having never consummated their own arrangement, they weren't really married in the eyes of God or the law. Most of the people Arthur knew wouldn't like the idea of their marriage being possibly contested and dissolved at any second if somebody found out…but maybe the consort would only see their…coupling…as a means to an end. Something he'd endure only long enough for Arthur to stake his claim and make him Camelot's consort officially, impossible to deny.
Arthur didn't want to be endured.
He also didn't want to have sex with Merlin, even if it made him more willing to overlook their past.
He could barely wrap his head around a kiss, how was he supposed to react if Merlin started demanding sex from him…
But to Arthur's surprise, Merlin's response didn't have one single thing to do with sex.
"Marriage…Marriage is about equality. It's showing you respect another person and want to dedicate their life to another person because you cannot see ever wanting to be with somebody else." Merlin sneered at him cruelly, hands going tighter around the edge of the bed as he looked at Arthur with disdain. And he just knew Merlin was thinking about that bloody wrench Clarissa again. Merlin continued though, without bringing her into the equation. "All those times you have touched me without my permission…that right there shows how little you respect me. Each and every time you do it is just another reminder that you'll never see me as somebody who can stand beside you. Which makes me only a prop meant to boost your own ego at owning something that can never escape from you. A real husband would never hit me across the face just because he'd liked not what I said or what he was hearing-" Merlin pointed viciously at those yellowing molted bruises to indicate his point, making the bile rose in Arthur's throat before he swallowed it down…they looked less beautiful and more cruel in this lightning. "A real husband wouldn't throw me around and disregard what my boundaries just because they don't align with the his. He wouldn't prove to me how much stronger he is than me, prove how literally helpless I am to stop him each and every time he tries to pin me down, wouldn't show me I have no defenses I could use to stop him from hurting me…"
For a long second, Arthur could have sworn the entire room tilted sideways in a blur of colors as the room spun around him. It was disorienting, one might've said, and Arthur's head spun right along with it. He hadn't expected to hear of equality…Arthur had always known he'd marry and that person would bear half of the throne's mighty weight when it started to get too heavy for Arthur, but it had been something he'd tossed aside after Merlin became his 'bride'. But that was barely a footnote in Arthur's head, when compared to the rest of what had been said…Arthur had always known he was bigger than Merlin. Had even tried taunting his consort once or twice in the beginning of their arrangement about his extensive training. Merlin had made jokes about it, had laughed at himself as if they were funny…but somewhere along the way to now, Merlin's jokes had gone from sarcastic to pure biting. His smiles had gone from playful to,..Arthur could only describe them as frosty. Merlin no longer engaged with Arthur like he did…and why was that? Because Arthur 'had' taken advantage of Merlin's much smaller frame. Had contorted it into whatever shape he pleased.
Each time he had pressed Merlin against something, using only minimal bits of strength as Merlin fought like some kind of hellcat, raced through his mind far faster than he could keep up with. The sourness on his tongue grew and grew until it almost coated the lingering sweetness of Merlin, squishing his taste to nothing just as Arthur always squished Merlin down to nothing. Suddenly, the prince felt as if his muscles were the enemy. The body he'd earned from doing countless hours of training day in and day out felt much bulkier than it should have felt. Even if Arthur was on the slimmer side compared to most knights, it didn't matter. His frame scared Merlin. His strength scared 'Merlin because he used it to hurt him. He'd used skills only a knight would know to hold Merlin in some of those positions he'd keep him in, and had been satisfied with Merlin squirming about…what kind of sick monster was he?
"And don't even get me started on the other stuff a husband is supposed to do when he's married!" Merlin seemed to have started another tirade, unaware of his voice snapping Arthur back into focus. He carried on, more interested with fussing than getting any actual input from Arthur, and that would probably be a good thing. Arthur didn't know if he could talk if Merlin had demanded it of him, "It's caring about another person! Like me being ill right now…you're my bloody husband! I should be able to count on you to help me, but how can you help me when the very sight of you sickens me to the core! You're supposed to be here spending time with me, sitting by my bedside even if I am unable to leave it just because you want to be with me! It means actually attempting to do something other than fighting! Like eating a meal or laughing or talking of our day or even doing something as simple as taking a walk! It's about doing absolutely nothing and being perfectly happy because you're doing it with the person you want to be with! It's sharing secrets you could not trust any other soul with, curling up in front of a fire and knowing no harm will come to you! It is…it is…it's introducing you to my mother and laughing while I watch you start panicking because you want to make a good first impression. And it's probably a thousand other little things that I don't even know because I have never had a real marriage to look up too! And now look at me. Bloody married and more miserable than I've been in my entire life!"
And Arthur just knew…Merlin's words couldn't have hurt less if he had taken a knife straight to his sternum and started slicing through his organs and meat to get his retribution. Ripping through Arthur's ribcage, careless of the bones he broke aside so he could get to the delicate flesh of Arthur's heart. Just so he could have the immense pleasure of seeing Arthur stabbed, twisting it with a cruel smile that looked disturbing and wicked with his delicate features…his consort was not a fighter. He shouldn't wield a blade to protect himself…there should be no reason for him to protect himself. Arthur should be able to do the protecting for him but…everything Merlin listed as what he thought a marriage was meant to look like practically flew right over Arthur's head. All those little moments were moments Arthur had never considered. He had been raised and taught how to treat a prospective bride to be, how to be a gentleman towards her and her family, so that her father would be keen on handing over the young girl's hand in marriage. But that was where it had all stopped in Arthur's head…he figured it would be just like how he treated Merlin. Just shoving them off to do their own thing until they were needed, because Arthur didn't have one bit of intention on rearranging his life and normal activities doing things that were so…mundane.
But then Merlin said he would've wanted Arthur to meet his mother, the woman who had basically sold her son to the crown.
And he had said he didn't know what a real marriage was, something both him and Arthur could actually have in common…Arthur hadn't exactly been raised watching the marriage of his parents flourishing in front of him.
And then Merlin had said how bloody miserable he was…how bloody miserable Arthur made him.
And the prince wondered rather or not he should be the one to hand the actual blade to Merlin, and allow his consort to carve out his still beating heart. Not a thing less than the one organ he needed to keep himself alive, would suffice to calm Merlin's temper.
"Perhaps I'm stupid for saying all of this, admitting what I want to you, out of all people. But I don't see how you can use it against me to try and hurt me far more than you already have." Merlin said, throwing his head back so Arthur's gaze could trace along the line of Merlin's delicate throat, only broken up with his very male adam's apple, so he could laugh. This sarcastic, biting and bitter laugh even though there was nothing funny about their situation that should've had Merlin laughing. And Merlin lowered his head back down, wiping at a bit of spittle on the corner of his lip with the back of his hand. "Maybe it's because I have finally lost my mind? Or maybe it's because I truly don't give a shit about you. Or this marriage. If I wasn't being held prisoner here by a contract that is older than I am, I would walk straight out that door right now and never come back."
Never come back…
Never come back…
Walk straight out that door…
And never come back…
Arthur's knees buckled to the ground.
