Now...let's talk about this chapter, shall we? When I started this, I had a clear plan of what was going to happen, and the next second, what happened had happened! It was shocking how quickly my brain just changed my mind, and now we're here!
You're not going to be happy with me, I know you're not, but I think this leads to a much nicer set of scenes compared to my original idea, and it gives me a chance to implement some more canon grey's themes/scenes.
On a happier note, thanks to ZajaacLuLu for appreciating my ironic line last chapter, where Meredith tells Derek not to get in a serious accident, plane crash, or shooting...wonder where those ideas came from XD
Enjoy?
She wasn't crying.
He'd say that was a good thing, normally, but he wasn't sure it was this time.
She just stared, blankly, at the floor, her knees wrapped up to her chest by her arms. There were no more tears, but her under-eyes were still wet and her sclera were still reddened and she was shaking.
She made no reaction to him being sat beside her. He was almost hoping for a laugh from the comedic way he got on the floor, because it was something she'd made fun of him for previously, but there was nothing. Not even a little creep of a smile.
"Hey-" He breathed. He didn't touch her. He'd let her make a move first, if she decided to make one at all.
She didn't even look at him.
"Talk to me."
Her breath caught in her throat at that, and she looked away, biting at her lip.
That was worse.
He wished he didn't say anything now.
At least he could see her eyes before.
"Tell me what you want me to do." He begged. "Tell me what you need me to do. Please. I'll go away if that's what you want...or I'll try, at least."
Again, there was no smile.
In the past, she might have just about grinned at that, and replied with something about knowing him too well or making a joke about how kind and overprotective he was, but there was nothing. Nothing.
"I'm not going to die, Meredith."
That, somehow, for a reason Derek didn't know nor understand, got her to look at him.
She licked her lips.
"I should have never-" She mouthed, her voice too broken to get out a real word, nevermind a real sentence.
"Never what?" He pushed, his voice soft.
She stared at him blankly for a long, long moment before muttering in a shaky voice, "I'm sorry for saying I hate you."
"It's okay." He breathed. It wasn't. But...he said that anyway. Even he wasn't sure why.
"It's not okay. I...I'm..." She sniffled, and wiped her hand against her nose.
"You're not okay." He finished for her.
She looked at him for yet another moment before sighing, looking away, and nodding her head ever so slightly.
"This is...it's a bad diagnosis. I'm not going to deny that. And I'm terrified. It's not progressive, but if my stenosis keeps getting worse, it will all get worse and I'm...I'm terrified of the idea of not being a surgeon anymore. I'm terrified of the idea of not being able to leave the house anymore. I'm...I'm terrified of you...quitting your job to look after me when that's not what I want- not what I ever wanted."
Her eyes stayed on him.
"I'm terrified too. I get it." He reassured her.
"What if you do get worse?"
"Then...I'm happy for the life I got." He replied after a moment. "I'm...just going to have to be grateful that I even got the chance to do those things in the first place."
She sniffled. "Please don't die."
"This isn't a dangerous diagnosis, this isn't...it's just pain. And I know there are complications that can happen but...I've always had problems with complications."
"But now you've got more. A lot more. And worse ones. And I..." She swallowed. "I am terrified that I can't- terrified that as much as I love to you, I wouldn't be able to..."
"You wouldn't be able to what?" He pushed, his voice soft.
She shook her head. She'd stopped for a reason.
'As much as I love you.'
Which meant she was doing something despite her love.
"I don't think I used to be very good at reading people. But, when you're paralysed- when you're in the kind of condition that I was in, you learn a lot about human behaviour. When people think you don't understand, they...they make these glances at each other or...or they say these things that they-" He licked his lips. "I started comprehending things earlier than Mark would say if you asked him. I started understanding what it meant when I didn't know the answer to a question. So...I know what you're thinking before you speak, and I also know because I love you."
She swallowed. He didn't ramble as much or as confusingly as her, but he could talk paragraphs to avoid one sentence. It was always so well spoken and so well structured...but it was all avoidance. "I don't...I don't want you to say what I think you're going to say."
He sighed. She was right. He was going to say something that she really didn't want to hear, and it was going to break her heart.
But this wasn't about the now.
This was about the future.
This was about the day in ten years when his pain was so bad that she was doing everything for him. She was the first person he'd ever met that was more than happy to do that for him, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that it was going to destroy her, and he couldn't do that to her.
Not Meredith.
Maybe if he wasn't so utterly in love with her, he wouldn't mind.
Maybe he'd be selfish and keep her, knowing she'd be far too attached to leave when she got the end of her tether.
But this was Meredith.
The sweetest, kindest, funniest, most caring, most beautiful woman he had ever met.
"I don't think we should be together anymore. I-" He swallowed, hard. "I think we should break up."
There it was.
"That's not what I said, Derek. That's not...that's not what I meant." She replied instantly. This was not happening.
"It's what your eyes said. It's...if you can't stay with me in the future, I can't-" He swallowed. "Meredith, I can't tie you down now. I can't waste your time now like that and I...you know you won't leave when or if it comes to it. I know. You...you'll just say it's okay when it's not okay and you'll be feel horrible stuck with me for the rest of your life."
"Derek-"
"You won't leave. I will make you cry every time you see me in pain, but you won't leave. I love that about you- I adore the fact that you wouldn't and it makes me so freaking happy that there is someone in the world like you but...as much as I love that, it's not fair on you, Meredith."
"But I love you, Derek." She insisted. This was not happening. This was not happening.
He ignored that. "I'm hurting you. I don't want to hurt you."
"It's not your fault." She shook her head. "You didn't choose this. You can't...you can't control it."
"But you did choose this. And you can unchoose this at any time."
"I don't...I don't want to unchoose this."
"Sometimes...relationships- they're about what you need, not what you want."
"I need you."
"No, you don't." He sighed.
"Yes, I do. I...I need you. I do. I really do-" She replied insistently, shaking her head. This was not happening. This was not happening. This was not happening.
"What do you need me for? To...worry about? To...cry over? There's plenty of other things to worry about and to cry over in this world, and there's plenty of men out there who you won't have to lie awake worrying about every second of every day."
"I love you." She repeated. "Derek, I love you."
"I'm a selfish man."
"Derek-"
"I never thought I'd find someone like you. I really didn't. I remember...Mark asking me in rehab about this one blonde occupational therapist who I was apparently looking at a little too much and...he was surprised when I told him that I wasn't going to be doing the love-stuff anymore. He was still hopeful I'd recover, I think. And then-" He swallowed. "He'd gotten used to the idea, would tease me every ten minutes about it and...then I met you- and...I was so...just- when I looked at you and thought about you, it was so...such a strange feeling. Like nothing before. Like...I was addicted to you. Like I...I could just think about you and your smile and I just- this rush of oxytocin would slap me in the face. And I loved that. I loved you. I..." He paused. "I followed you for the feelings...for my own sake."
"But...I love you too. This isn't a one-sided thing, Derek. I'd get it if it was but...I really do love you. And you know I've never lied, I don't care about the chair I just...all the pain that you're in is what I hate."
"It was selfish of me to let you fall in love with me. I shouldn't have. I leant into the feeling and I didn't pull myself out, and the next thing I know, you're in love with me too and I..." He sighed. "I hate myself for it."
"Derek, you're still not listening, I. Love. You. I chose to love you- my heart chose to love you, it- I saw you and I talked to you and...I listened to your stupid jokes-" She smiled, just a little. "I love you and that was all to do with me, and nothing to do with you. I picked you. I chose you. I love you. You're not listening."
He looked at her. "I'm listening, Mer. I'm always listening. To...the way you talk about me and yourself and your life and-"
"And what?"
"You don't need any more stress in your life, Mer. You have a crappy mom and a crappy dad and a crappy med-school and...you don't need me on top of that."
"But-" Her breaths accelerated. This was not happening. This was not happening. This was not happening. This was not happening. "Derek, you can't- you can't break up with me...for me. You can't break up with me when I still love you and you still love me."
"Meredith-"
"You're breaking up with me entirely for my own sake, but I don't want you to. I want to be with you. So...let me be with you, Derek. Please. Please." She begged.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, just...don't do the- Derek, don't break up with me and then you don't have to be sorry."
He sighed. "I'm sorry for my jokes. I'm never quite sure whether you're joking when you say that's the reason you fell in love with me but...if you're telling the truth, I'm sorry. If it's something else...then I'm sorry for that too."
"No." She begged. "Stop being sorry."
"You could tell me."
She paused. "What?"
"Right now, you could tell me what makes you so stressed, and why you dropped out of med school, and why you cry when I'm nice to you. You could do that right now." He continued. "But...it's not going to change the fact that I'm forever going to add mountains of new stress to your life. It's not going to stop me being paralysed. It's not going to stop me from being immunocompromised. And it's not going to stop the pain. You saying that doesn't make us able to be a happy couple again, it would just mean that I'd look at you in a different way for the rest of my life so...keep it."
"Derek-"
"I know you really want to say it. I know. I'm sure in your head, you're convinced that explaining why you can't lose me will fix this in some way...but it's not going to stop it, is it?"
"I know what you're-"
"You're not listening-" He said softly before sighing. This was her line. "You're not hearing me."
Tears slipped. This was his line. "I'm listening, Derek. I'm always listening."
"You know my confidence is non-existent, but I know I'm right. You know I'm right, somewhere in there." He sighed. "You're always going to worry. No matter what you say, or I say, or you do, or I do...you can't be in this relationship. It's not good for you. It's hurting you."
"I love you."
He smiled, just a little. "I know."
"I don't want to leave you."
A tear rolled down his cheek. "I know."
"I hate Christmas."
He sighed, "I know."
This was not happening.
Except it was.
