03
Hatred
Barry jumped at the particularly loud crack of thunder, not from the lightning that struck nearby. No, he'd become used to the frequent flashes as the Speed Force swirled around him. The Speed Force storm hadn't changed since Barry arrived inside, it hadn't even changed with Savitar's presence as he strolled alongside Barry.
Barry glanced at Savitar, as he kept his hands in the pockets of his slacks and moved almost leisurely. Barry wasn't sure what to make of him. This was a man—himself—who hated Barry so much that he was close to killing him on multiple occasions. Who, Barry thought, knew he could never kill knowing there were too many things that would affect the timeline, would affect reality, as they knew it.
So, what was it that was keeping him around now? The speedster should've been dead. And yet here he was, gallivanting through the Speed Force, whistling under his breath as he continued along. Savitar's boots clomped loudly against the ground—or what Barry thought would be the ground of the Speed Force—the only sound between them.
All until Barry spoke, finally unable to stand the silence much longer. "What do you want from me?"
"I already told you what I want."
"You want my life. I got that. But you can't have it…I was—"
"—You were supposed to be me."
Barry nodded.
Savitar had explained that to Barry as well. There were more than enough times that Savitar had told him what he wanted out of Barry's life, what he was supposed to have become. What tragedies he'd seen of the life that continued to play out in front of him. If the same had happened to him, he would've bene just as angry, just as upset…maybe just as vengeful.
Vengeance wasn't anything Barry did well. Things happened when he allowed those dark thoughts to enter his mind and keep himself stuck in those dark thoughts. Just as he'd been so preoccupied with finding out what'd happened to his mother. It didn't work out badly, it made it so that he was able to do his job well. That he could put himself into the minds of the victims of some crimes and help where help was needed. Where he could commiserate rather than immediately see who was good and who was evil…
And yet, it also made him less empathetic to those that were clearly on the bad side of the law. Those that were too greedy for their own good. Those that had nothing going on in their lives but hurt and wanted to hurt others. Those that had no souls and wanted to harm anyone for reasons Barry could never fathom.
"And that hatred's keeping you going?" Barry asked. "Keeping you in the Speed Force?"
"The Speed Force doesn't work the same for everyone," Savitar explained. He kept his face forward. "It won't work the same way for you as it did for me. Technically, I'm not supposed to exist anymore. The Black Flash took care of that."
"Then how are you here?"
"Your guess is as good as mine," Savitar replied. He swiveled his head toward Barry, his fringe falling over the eye that could see. Nevertheless, Savitar's sightless eye bore into Barry's. "Why do you think I'm still here?"
Barry shook his head.
"Is there something you feel guilty about, Bare?" Savitar continued to taunt. "Someone you couldn't help? Someone you might have wronged. There must be someone out there that The Flash couldn't save." Savitar wiggled a finger toward him. "You must be devastated."
Barry slapped his hand away.
Savitar waved off his hand, as if he'd been burned. He pursed his lips and looked to the front once more. Nodded. "Well, I think it's time that you find out why you're here."
Barry lifted his chin and looked in front of him. He excepted to see some sort of a gateway opening, not the edges of the Speed Force slowly seeming to melt away in front of him. His eyebrows furrowed together as he watched the world around him slowly come into focus. His eyes darted from the wood paneling of the walls that formed around him to the windows that sat across from him, at the end of the house.
The familiar view that niggled something in the back of his mind. Barry's eyebrows came together as the walls and everything around him slowly came into focus. Slowly formed the wood paneling, the high ceilings, the dark wood floors, and the pale beige walls that were his childhood home. Barry sucked in a sharp breath, feeling pain bloom in his chest. He looked down, expecting a vibrating hand to be sticking through him. Instead, he found Savitar leaning against the doorframe, watching Barry curiously.
His eyes shifted over Barry's face, the corner of his mouth slowly pulling back.
"How long has it been, Barry?" Savitar taunted. "How long has it been since you've been in this house? How long has it been since you returned to the worst night of your life?" He sniffed. "Well, our lives."
"What is this?" Barry murmured. He looked to Savitar, gritting his teeth. Wondering what was to happen but also knowing exactly what it was going to be. If his assumption was correct, if he truly was right back to that night, his parents weren't long from putting him to bed. Or, rather, returning from putting him to bed. "Why are you doing this?"
Savitar held up his hands. "I'm not doing anything."
Barry surged forward with a burst of his super speed. He grabbed Savitar by the lapels of his jacket and slammed him against the wall behind him. All his pent-up emotions blew out of him in that moment. The emotion of having to leave his friends and family, the painful reality of not being able to say goodbye or explain why he was leaving, the of having to break a promise only seconds after making it.
"Why are you doing this?!" Barry hissed so hard that spittle landed on Savitar's face. Savitar chuckled a dark chuckle that chilled Barry to the bone, a cold wave dumped over his head. "What do you want from me?"
"I'm not doing anything to you, Barry," Savitar repeated. "'It's the Speed Force." His voice dipped to a sarcastic murmur. "It's a prison. You didn't think you'd be sitting in the lap of luxury while in here, did you? Didn't think that playing the hero all the time was going to make it so that it could look the other way while you worked selfishly with your powers."
"I've never been selfish with them."
"Oh really?" Savitar stuck his face close to Barry's, the tips of their noses brushing. Savitar's breath, which smelled like death, wafted over Barry's face, making his eyes water. Or else it was the tears of frustration that was finally starting to fall. "What is it that made you go back to your mom the first time? This time? What made it so that you went back and saved your mom the second time? And your dad? You're a selfish hero—"
"—No." Barry dropped his hands from Savitar's lapels, dropping him to the floor. He took a step back.
"And your star is fading—"
"—No."
"—And while you've made this sacrifice to come in here, it was your time after all, the Speed Force needs to see you punished. Needs to see that you've learned your lesson."
Barry's voice shook. "I thought…I wasn't to live in as much hell as the others. I thought…"
"You won't," Savitar said flatly. "Geez, a little bit of a truth and you turn into a Reverse-Flash." He wiped his palms off on the front of his jacket. "The Speed Force doesn't lie. You're not going to see the worst part of your life. You've already gone through too much of that."
A creak caught his attention. Barry turned on his heel and watched as his parents came down the stairs, laughing quietly, shushing each other. They looked so happy. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen them smile at each other like that. Henry carefully took Nora's hand and helped her down the last few steps, holding her still as she leaned over, taking off her heels.
"I still can't believe you congratulated him for getting into a fight," Nora said, setting her heels aside. She cast Henry a critical glance, allowing her fingers to slip from his. She walked to the living room and dropped down to the couch, bringing a hand up to rub at her eyes. "You know we're going to be called into another meeting with the principal and his teachers."
"Yes, the thought has crossed my mind," Henry agreed. He walked to the bar they had set up in the corner of the room and poured them two glasses of whisky. "I'm already thinking to clear my schedule for the next day in case they call me in earlier than last time."
"And what are you going to do this time? Take him out for ice cream? No…" Nora took the glass that was offered to her and gestured toward her husband with it. "You're going to work on his batting."
"I think we can rule out the idea of Barry being a professional baseball player," Henry replied. He dropped down next to his wife, putting his arm around her. "I worked with him as much as I could but…his running could use some work." He bobbed his head. "And his hand eye coordination. And his swing time. And…well…at least he has fun."
Nora laughed. "He does not have fun."
"But I'm sure he has so much more fun running away from those bullies all the time." Silence stretched between them for a few minutes before Henry spoke again. "You know how difficult it is to punish him for how hard he's trying to protect all those other kids. He's doing more than what that school has ever done for the bullying he's received. How many times did we see him come home with a busted lip or a black eye just because someone bigger than him didn't like the way he looked?"
Nora shook her head. She glanced toward the ceiling then sighed heavily, resting her head on her husband's shoulder.
Barry stepped toward the two then stopped. He glanced back at Savitar, who resumed his post, leaning against the wall behind him. This time, however, Barry saw a look of longing in Savitar's eyes. The same look Barry would give when he would see an old photo of his parents. Wishing he could've gone back to a time where…well…that's what got him into the mess in the first place. His time travel to change things to what he wanted them to be.
It's what the Speed Force had reminded him of.
"Eddie Thawne's life was almost so different," Eddie explained, looking Barry in the eye. Something about the Speed Force kept Barry from looking away. "Iris was about to be his wife, Joe was about to be his father in law. But things didn't turn out that way, did they? Instead of that life being his legacy…" he gestured to himself, tapped his finger against the bloodstain on his shoulder. "This is." He eyed Barry carefully. "The only reason you came back was to save Wally?"
"Yes," Barry breathed.
Eddie slightly turned his head away. "There's no other reason?"
"No," Barry whispered once more.
Eddie watched him for a long moment. He nodded and shrugged. "Alright then, Bare, if you want Wally, all you have to do,"—he pointed to the elevator just behind the bull pen— "Is go through those doors."
Barry started toward it.
"But you have to outrun that thing first."
The doors dinged open. Time slowed down around Barry, sensing danger coming closer and faster than he could anticipate. Everything slowing down gave him the chance to run through a gauntlet of emotions. Awe, fear, trepidation, determination, and confusion as a screaming banshee raced his way.
Barry took a quick look at it before he turned on his heel and raced away. He circled the CCPD bullpen repeatedly, the screaming banshee clawing and scraping at his back as he ran. Once. Twice. Three times. Four. Five. Finally, Barry shot himself into the elevator, crashing against the back of it. He reached out his foot and kicked at the buttons that's prompt the elevator to go to a new floor.
It slid shut, just as the banshee arrived and Barry slumped to the floor, letting out a long breath.
Safe.
Safe for now.
The elevator took a long journey to what was only supposed to be the second floor. When it finally arrived, Barry caught his breath and was back on his feet, ready for the banshee to take off after him as soon as the doors opened. But when it did so, Barry got a second shock. Instead of still being in the CCPD, he was back in STAR Labs.
Barry slowly stepped out of the elevator, traversing the same hallway he walked every day to reach the Cortex. As he moved closer and closer, he heard soft singing. A lullaby. Hush little baby.
Hush little baby, don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird.
Barry moved into the Cortex and saw Caitlin gently bouncing a baby back and forth in her arms. Her head was angled down, eyes focused on nothing but the baby, a small smile splayed on her lips. Barry had only seen the same smile a few times, from his mother to him, from Cadence to Brady, and from Maya and Tess to Cadence. A smile that seemed that only mothers could give.
Barry's eyes shifted back to the baby Caitlin gently swaddled. A girl from the look of the pink blanket she was swaddled in. Then he heard another cry and whipped around, to see Cadence—a younger Cadence—standing on the other side of the Cortex. A baby boy in her arms. Like Caitlin, she gently bounced the baby, tears running down her cheeks.
She wasn't singing.
She was murmuring to her baby. "It's okay. Everything's going to be okay. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."
"Caitlin?" Barry looked between the two. "Cade?" Barry moved closer to Caitlin, looking down into the baby girl's face, taking in her pursed lips as she was soothed. Saw the familiar flutter of the eyelashes, saw the nose and overlying features that looked so familiar. "This baby…"
"Is beautiful." Ronnie's voice made Barry turn.
This time with resignation.
Speed Force Ronnie walked closer to Barry. Then he stepped aside and allowed a manifestation of Kent Nash to follow him. The first time Barry had seen him since his funeral, where he sat further back in the pews, not feeling it was his place to sit closer even to support Cadence. It gave him a good view of Kent's picture placed on an easel, a picture taken for his advertising business. Of a man who looked like every man's best friend.
And now, the same man was standing in front of Barry, looking at him curiously. Barry turned back to Cadence, who continued to gently bob a baby in her arms. This time, Barry realized, the 'baby' was in fact a toddler sized Brady, who was wrapped in a blue blanket, clutching it tightly to his neck.
"Hello, Barry," Ronnie greeted him with a nod.
"We need to talk," Kent added.
Barry swallowed hard and looked back at Caitlin. Watched as she reached out her finger and gently stroked the baby's cheek. "They should've had that," he murmured. "A family…future…" He thought for a moment, looking at Caitlin's state of dress, the way her hair was styled. Familiar. Dread washed over him. "This would've happened…if the Particle Accelerator hadn't exploded, wouldn't it?"
Kent shrugged. "The future doesn't always turn out as we want it to."
"I see what you're doing," Barry murmured.
"Do you?" Ronnie raised an eyebrow.
Barry nodded. He set his jaw and looked at the two manifestations of the Speed Force. "First Eddie, now Ronnie. Showing me the people who sacrificed for the greater good."
"No, Barry, these people sacrificed for you. Just like Wally did when he was trying to stop Savitar." Barry looked toward Kent. Ronnie followed his gaze. Kent scoffed and shook his head. "You don't understand, do you?"
"He had a brain tumor," Barry murmured, remembering what was explained to him at the hospital after Cadence's frantic phone call to him. He'd made it there in record time, finding the Nash family sitting quietly in their own forms of grief. Barry had been surprised to see how they'd handled things compared to her phone call; calm and straightforward. "He didn't know."
"Ah, but he did," Kent denied. He reached up and tapped his forehead. Right between his temple and his forehead. "It's hard to ignore a tumor the size of a walnut pressing between the parts of your brain that holds your motor functions, personalities, and behaviors. Kent knew it was inoperable and knew he was dying when he went to visit you for Thanksgiving that year."
"He wouldn't let Cadence heal him," Barry remembered.
"And he wouldn't allow himself to pull her away from the new family and happiness she was creating with you and Brady in Central City. With her new friends. He'd made his mistakes. Made peace with them. Made up with her but knew their family, as he knew it, was over. Kent wasn't a man that dwelled on things he couldn't change. Kent Nash knew, in a manner of speaking, he was part of the reason she found you. In that aspect, he'd made a sacrifice for you. Just like Wally."
"I don't…" Barry shook his head. "Savitar tricked Wally. And now he's trapped. You have to let me take his place. That's why I'm here!"
"Or the other reason, Barry," Ronnie insisted.
Barry shook his head. Tried again. He had to make them understand. They weren't understanding him. "I want to sacrifice myself for Wally."
"We can't allow that," Ronnie said sympathetically.
"Because where Wally is, it's a hell on its own," Kent added. "It's not a place for you." He waved his hand, shooed Barry away. "Leave while you still can."
"No," Barry said firmly. He took a step towards Kent and Ronnie, staring them down. "Whatever hell he's in, I'm going to set him free. And I'm not going to leave until I do."
"Very well." Ronnie's eyes shifted behind Barry. Kent stepped back. "But you were warned."
"It's not a prison for me," Barry murmured. He shook his head. Looked toward Savitar. "It's a prison for you. We're watching your life play out…"
"Your life play out," Savitar corrected. "Your life…my life…it's all one and the same. This is what should've happened. You're not in hell, I am. I have to watch all this over and over again while you get the peace of knowing what it was that should've happened to you. It won't be as traumatizing, to you…it'll be beautiful."
Barry turned back to Savitar, bringing up a hand to…to do what? To comfort him? To reassure him that everything was going to be okay? That things that would work out for him? How could it work out when his life was already so tragic? When his life had already ended the moment Barry ran back to create Flashpoint? No, when Barry went back to save his mother the first time? Or had it been when he even tried to stop that tidal wave from destroying the city? Tried to stop Vandal Savage from killing everyone with a simple tap of the staff into the ground? When he accidentally ran into the future?
What time travel feat was it that messed everything up?
And when would he finally stop using it as a means to fix everything?
"You can't fix this, Barry," Savitar said, reading his mind. Or else it was the mind-meld they'd encountered before. There were still so many things he wasn't sure about the mind-meld and how it worked. He didn't know what'd happened to Cadence when she mind-melded with a dying Burnout, what caused her to feel so much pain. It came in handy many times before, there had to be something about it that helped then. "There isn't anything here that needs to be fixed." He sighed. "We're going to watch this until the Speed Force feels that your time is up."
"How long will that be?" Barry asked.
Savitar gave him a 'duh' look. "Are you sure you've got those fancy college degrees? You sure ask some stupid questions sometimes." He lightly smacked himself in the forehead with his open palm. "What am I saying? I'm insulting myself. Maybe I should be kissing your feet. Making you feel like the king you think you are."
Barry let out a long breath. He ran a hand through his hair and turned his back to Savitar. Watched as his parents continued to speak quietly to each other as the night went on. He watched and waited, and waited as they exchanged a few kisses but otherwise enjoyed each other's silence. Waited for the yellow blur that was Eobard Thawne—the Reverse Flash—to break in and create havoc that would then threaten the rest of his life.
But nothing happened.
The night played out the way it was supposed to. With his parents going to bed, hand in hand. Night turned to day and Barry watched as his parents woke him up for breakfast and they lived a day he'd never lived before. A day that had a morning where Henry reproached Barry for consistently getting into fights, despite the warm smile he'd flash his son when his mother wasn't paying attention, between pressing a bag of ice to his black eye.
To the way his mother hugged and kissed him tightly before sending him off to school with the same partying she always had, "Have a good day. Make good choices," making little Barry make the same face he always had back to her before rushing to catch the bus.
The bus he'd catch where he'd end up sitting alone, looking around at the other kids with longing, looking for anyone who'd want to be his friend. While simultaneously watching Iris, wondering when he'd ever get the courage to talk to her.
The second the bus pulled away, everything around Barry sped up. Within five seconds, he watched the rest of his life play out. One minute he was a young boy with a black eye, the next he was a young man who was going off to college, coming back from college, starting his job at the CCPD, going on dates, letting his parents know of the woman he was talking to, introducing his girlfriend, proposal, engagement, marriage, old age, then his death at said old age. The world flipped around him, like a projector resetting, taking him back to the night his mother should've died.
"I still can't believe you congratulated him for getting into a fight. You know we're going to be called into another meeting with the principal and his teachers."
Barry blinked at looked back at Savitar, who stared off into space. A glistening tear fell down his cheek. Barry gasped, suddenly feeling pain bloom through his chest. He brought a hand up and grasped the front of his shirt, then inched his fingers up to his cheek. Felt the tear that fell. Savitar noticed the movement, then looked away in what appeared to be a combination of disgust and sorrow on his face.
That's what Barry was feeling.
Savitar was telling the truth.
Barry wasn't experiencing the Speed Force as a "hell", but it was Savitar's personal "hell" he'd be watching. The life he should've lived.
"Why are you here?" Barry asked, voice shaking.
Savitar lifted his chin, still looked away from Barry. "I need to be punished," he murmured. "And in many ways, so do you."
Barry looked back at the scene in front of him, watching as it unfolded of his life once more. Twice. Three times. All within a matter of seconds. Over and over.
He nodded.
Understood.
He was being punished, seeing a life he would never live.
All because he had to continuously travel through time, change things, work things to his advantage all because of the mistakes he'd made in certain scenarios. Because he couldn't bear to see the people he loved die over and over. Because he tried hard to put things that were broke back together, not knowing they wouldn't come back together as perfectly.
It wasn't, "hell" exactly, but as much of a punishment as a speedster could receive for trying to do the right thing, knowing it was still wrong.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
The life of a hero.
"I hate you," Savitar murmured. His voice quivered with equal amounts of sorrow and fury.
Barry nodded.
He understood.
A/N: I sort of wish that I had Barry's time in the Speed Force along with Cade's part in the prologue, but I also love the way the story is opening with the back and forth between their POVs. What did you think of this one? Things do pick up with the next chapter and, within this story, I do have things a bit more cohesive with my plots so it doesn't drag as much as Friction did. I'm excited for you all to see.
Also, I have a question for you guys, do you like these shorter chapters? Or do you prefer the longer ones that I'd done before?
Cheers,
-Rile
Review Replies
Ethan and DarkHelm145: It's interesting that you both mentioned being surprised that Iris didn't have hope for Barry coming back when that's something I haven't changed from the show. However, the motivations behind it definitely are different.
Ravenmore45: I'm about to respond to your message with the list of her abilities right now!
Yummers: Glad you like the new role for Cade! It's going to be a big part for her as the story goes on!
