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Chapter 13

The 'Dark Side'-'Turn off'-Mantra


Edward - still thinks


After we calmed down, Bella snuggled back up to me and murmured, "That was overwhelming ... Edward, I love you. "

"You could say that - I love you too," I murmured into her hair.

Soon she fell asleep, and I struggled not only with my arousal but also with the heady scent of hers as I gently stroked up and down her back.

I hadn't found a suitable mantra yet ... Emmett in lace lingerie ... I saw him quite clearly in front of me - in pink suspenders and a lace-up corset, in a sexy pose on top of his jeep ...

And I had to pull myself together in order not to start snorting at the top of my voice and wake up my slumbering kitten.

At least it had worked - but laughing during intercourse? - perhaps not so favorable.

Why did I always think of Emmett when the subject of sex came up? It had to be either his constant annoying innuendos or his detailed explanations about practices, techniques, and positions. I had packed them all as quickly as possible - without thinking much about it - in the back of my mind. In which all things had landed, which went in this direction and which I had not managed to ignore in the last decades. It was like a reflex. Get rid of it. But my unfaithful body couldn't seem to think of anything better than to help itself to it immediately and without being asked every time my mind said goodbye even for a moment. I had long managed not to have to deal with it.

That was the curse of a vampiric memory - it forgot nothing. To repress for a certain time ... That was possible ... But generally everything was stored as crystal clear sense perception. But it was probably time to re-sort and reorganize the entire content, since it was now of different significance to me. That would become a long unpleasant night.

I was dreading it. Because I also knew what lay hidden there in that drawer - in the furthest dusty corner.

Hundreds of dark to pitch-black reasons to which I owed my sexual disinterest or even my aversion, which almost bordered on fear. Strange thoughts, after which had hunted me for more than four years - even downright craved. As justification to be able to satisfy my own cravings. Mere rapists, who had been driven only by purely sexual desire, because they had no wife, drank too much or did not have enough money to afford one, were still the harmless ones. It became disgusting with the perverts with unnatural inclinations or special preferences, which could not be legally fulfilled so easily, like zoophiles or pedophiles ... And finally the sadists. I didn't know which ones were worse. The bloodthirsty psychopaths who were very sick, or the plain violent ones who had to prove their male strength and dominance in this way. Countless men who believed they had to subjugate, humiliate, and punish women in order to find physical arousal and satisfaction. Denatured murderers for whom that alone was not enough. Who needed agonized screams, broken pleas, and the death throes of their victims to gain their release. Veterans from the First World War showed me through their unrestrained attempts to drown their own pain, their personal defeats and cruel experiences in just such acts. How naive my desire to become a soldier had been. There was hardly anything that was not able to remind me of some deviant sexual intention. Police officers who offered their own flesh and blood to the next child molester ring. Even the sight of cute puppies managed to turn my stomach. The human imagination was capable of incredible creative degenerations and in this respect was a brutal torture tool for my mind.

It had taken me decades to be able to close myself halfway to these connections and to nip in the bud any thoughts that took on a life of their own. If I had known at the beginning what I was getting into, I might not have done it. I would never have expected how many violent crimes had sexual backgrounds. The fact that I had spared so many women, girls and boys a lot or even saved their lives was some consolation. However, I was only too aware of what the sexual instinct - once it was awakened - could cause for deviant perversions ... I knew them all. The worst ones knew exactly what they wanted, what they needed and how to get it. Horrible, abominable, ghastly, detestable ... There was no word that would do it justice.

But was I really any better? If I gave in to my natural instinct as a vampire, even though I knew I had an alternative! A less satisfying one. If I still preferred to keep satiating my insatiable thirst on my human prey.

Certainly I was not a sadistically inclined killer like James, who tortured for fun and pure pleasure, nor did I feel any sexual excitement in inflicting pain and sucking the lifeblood out of my victims. But that is exactly what I did. And as my brothers had already confirmed, there was no more gratifying experience than the passionate exhilaration of warm human blood that pulsed into one's mouth and running down one's burning, thirsty throat. Undeniably, I enjoyed every single drop in those moments - despite a later burgeoning guilty conscience.

The result was the same - a life was extinguished. Wasn't my behavior basically the same weakness?

Of course, I had previously learned otherwise from Carlisle and Esmé. Nonetheless, this realization had also been fraught with profound complications. I had just survived the first overwhelming three years of my life as a vampire when my father figure turned his future wife. My gift then gave me not only a new sensation of her just overcome temptations and urges, but also the unbridled attraction and lustful desire of a newborn for her partner - until she learned to control her thoughts halfway and I to distract myself and close my mind. The fact that she harbored maternal feelings for me didn't make things any easier.

I held out for just under six years until I took the other path. Only afterwards, through the little I let pass from my siblings, did I understand that sex with true love was something completely different. That they belonged together elementarily and there could hardly be anything more wonderful and fulfilling, if one had found their soul mate.

But who knew what was slumbering in one, if one had such experiences as I had. Even if they were not my own? Could one control that at all?

I could do nothing against my everlasting - sometimes quieter, sometimes louder - doubts. Trying to ignore them would probably even have been wrong, and so there was nothing left for me to do but remain on my guard.

It was a tedious and nerve-racking procedure to sort and re-catalog all that.

The unusable was soon isolated. So there remained the momentarily impossible to be stored for later, the quite conceivable and the actually possible. Which not only inevitably brought me back to the fact that I still didn't have a workable mantra, but also that I had made a reckless promise a few days ago. To take a shower together with Bella! First of all the mantra ... could certainly be advantageous in the further considerations to have a usable one. With human food – thus disgusting smell – I had originally stopped. The only worst stench, I knew of, were probably the wolves ...

Already the first mental spark in my head had full effect - however, the rest of my body tensed up for it.

I noticed how my hands clenched into fists and my teeth ground together ...

Not good either, I got too aggressive. The only one I could stay cool with would be Seth ... Seth's sweaty feet ...? Phew ...

A slight shiver ran through my body.

Could work. It was worth a try.

So now for the second problem. A cramped shower stall ... with Bella ... Naked? Most likely! I probably couldn't persuade her to leave her underwear on. Admittedly, even to me the image seemed pretty silly. But was I ready for it? Should I even dare to do it? What could possibly happen? But just thinking about how those loose pants had felt like a breath of nothing for half the day today ... What was it going to feel like when there was actually nothing - nothing at all - no fabric left between us? Nothing that could even come close to stopping me - or rather her? Not just a hand on my penis, but her entire exposed body on mine ... Oh no. Not a good idea ... – HE started his dance of joy again! - Just you wait! Seth's sweaty feet ... Seth's sweaty feet ... Ew, gag ... Really not a nice inspiration. But effective. HE bowed humbly. How could I prepare myself for this? First of all, just undressing, perhaps? I could even close my eyes, so it wouldn't be too much at once. So first only skin contact without looking. Slowly, piece by piece, until ... Until where? I had already seen her upper body, there was no use closing my eyes ... And her warm soft perfectly shaped breasts ... - And again HE lifted his head ... - Damn, I warned him: Sssss ... eeeeth.

And indeed - the threat alone worked.

Poor Seth, if he knew for what he had served! Yes, I had actually felt her breasts already, only briefly though ... Something new was that also no longer … Just the undressing ... Or how far? I could not think further than down to her belly button. No, I couldn't possibly take off her pants, let alone more. So the other way around, just looking without feeling? How so? I could say: 'Um ... Bella, what was that about the striptease offer?' But I still didn't really trust her to do it.

Yet it was definitely an amusing train of thought.

My clumsy Bella, who preferred to run around in jeans and a T-shirt, in sexy lingerie, moving erotically to soft music ... I wonder if I would ever get that pleasure? Bella dancing voluntarily for me? ... No, Emmett, not in pink and not on the Jeep! Damn, that had not been a good idea! Well, at least my little enemy could no longer enjoy himself ... Was there anything between dressed and completely naked? ...

The thing with 'only the underwear' went through my head ...

A bikini, Bella probably wore a swimsuit? Us going swimming together. That would be a good preparatory compromise. Not too much, not too little. Casual in public. A little peeping, a little groping ... Huh ...? What the hell was that? Damn it! I knew it had been a mistake to rummage through this drawer!

Towards Port Angeles there was a resort with an outdoor pool.

Various pools for swimming and a few pools fed by hot springs. Such an excursion, however, would take at least half a day, if not more. I wonder if I could talk Alice into giving us a day from her wedding planning.

This weekend, Bella would definitely want to do something with her father. The second to last one before the wedding. According to her planning, the second to last weekend on which she would ever be able to do something with him again. And it was precisely this that I wanted to shake up a bit.

So tomorrow I really had to do something completely different, which I had almost missed. The Dartmouth selection process was coming up and I needed to make sure Bella was there to hopefully coax some more time out of her. A semester or two at one of the most prestigious colleges in the U.S., then Christmas with her parents there with us in Hanover. That had to work. And that's exactly what I had to discuss with Esmé. A house for us.


Thank you for reading!