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Chapter 31

Clueless


Edward


All the misery came crashing down on me again as soon as I slowed down in front of the house.

I would have liked to turn on my heels when I entered the living room and was greeted by Jasper's questioningly raised eyebrows, which were followed by a beaming smile from my mother, which immediately deflated at the sight of me.

I simply shook my head, closed myself against the anxious onslaught of questions, and disappeared into my room.

There I threw myself on the bed like the typical teenager I felt like at the moment and turned on my stereo a little louder than necessary ...

I didn't really care what was playing - the main thing was not to be too soft and melancholic ... I needed something to distract me and drown out the voices and noises around me. I really didn't have the nerve to pick something out of my collection right now.

It wasn't long before Esmé followed me and knocked softly.

I should have known that she wouldn't just let me go in that condition.

So I picked myself up and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Mom?"

She entered my realm, closed the door behind her and came towards me.

"Edward? What happened?", she asked, squeezing my shoulder encouragingly and comfortingly at the same time.

I could not stand her worried look and hung my head. The wall broke and a deep sigh escaped me.

"Honey, is something wrong with Bella?"

I swallowed ... Hesitated ...

And that was answer enough for her.

"What about her?"

Her tone became a shade more urgent, and I realized that I had to appease her somehow, even though this was not exactly a topic I wanted to discuss with her now.

I tried to look up at her reassuringly and find the right words, but I didn't succeed. My gaze fell to the floor again and I ran my hands through my hair in despair.

"I just don't understand her."

'Thank God! I thought it was something else,' one of her thoughts, which she otherwise had admirably under control, escaped her and she breathed a sigh of relief.

She squatted down in front of me, put her hands reassuringly on my thighs and looked at me with understanding.

"You guys had a disagreement?"

"Um ... disagree ... No ... I can't say that. I have ... No, supposedly not ... Oh, I have no idea! She didn't want to talk about it."

My voice almost failed me, so constricted did my throat feel when I spoke this fact.

Esmé stood up again, pulled my head to herself and stroked my back.

I let it happen, even though there had rarely been such clear mother-son scenes before. It felt good just to be held like that, to physically feel that someone was there for me ... She would have been the perfect mother.

"Oh honey, I'm sure it'll be fine. Problems and misunderstandings happen in every relationship. Bella loves you. She may need some time to process, think things through ... or just let it sink in. She's human, and it will take her a little longer than it will you. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to not be able to read her thoughts. After all the years you got used to being informed about everything. It is normal for all of us not to know exactly what is going on in the other person's mind - you will have to learn it now - and you will. Be patient with her and with yourself. I don't want to discourage you, but it can take years to develop the right feeling for your partner."

None of this was new to me, and she knew it too, but there was still something comforting about being told again so clearly and lovingly at the same time. Nevertheless, I still saw no way out of the misery.

"But can't I do anything? I feel so helpless."

"Even if it's hard for you, just wait. Of course, you have to solve your problem somehow, but everyone has their own way of communicating. So don't push Bella to talk. When she's ready, she'll approach you, I'm pretty sure."

Would she? Sometimes I had the impression that she was more like her father in that respect and preferred to avoid unpleasant conversations.

I grumbled skeptically and tensely to myself.

Her efforts were well-intentioned and felt that way, but the crushing worry wouldn't dissipate until I saw my Bella in front of me again - without that hard contorted face - and the churning tension between us was cleared up.

"But how can I do anything for you?"

Esmé's caressing fingers released me, gently resting against my cheeks and lifting my head to look at me.

With a furrowed brow, I pondered, but my ability to think seemed to be limited at the moment.

However, her face brightened and at the same time I saw myself sitting at my wing.

"Are you playing something for me? I haven't heard you for a while. Maybe it will even help you?"

Invitingly, she held out her hand to me, which I hesitantly took.

I couldn't think of anything better at the moment, and it might actually keep me away from my devouring vortex of thoughts for a while.

Still I turned off the stereo and then let her lead me downstairs to my instrument, where I sat down on the piano bench and reverently opened the key. I removed the key runner and carefully put it aside. Then, lost in thought, I stroked the keyboard.

"I'd like to hear my piece again," my mother behind me reminded me what I was sitting here for. (Esmés Song - piano)

I closed my eyes and let my fingers fly over the keys, concentrating on the sound of the strings, the vibrations in the air, the almost perfect reverberation in the room, and let it carry me away.

As if by themselves, the melodies flowed out of me ... I deliberately only left out Bella's lullaby .

As the shrill ring of the phone intruded on my meditative game, I felt Esmé rise beside me to answer it.

'Renée' was the word, which made it impossible for me to get back into my relaxing diversion. I honestly tried, but quite obviously my confused dull pipe dreams affected the result.

Soon my brothers came down the stairs.

"Man, Edward, one's balls die off with that horrible jingling!", Emmett made sure that I came back to reality completely.

There they stood - just in boxer shorts and immediately confirmed my suspicions.

"Ready to knock down some trees? From the sound of it, you're in desperate need to blow off some steam!"

'And don't look at us in such disbelief. We don't plan to go swimming. Alice just got so upset the last few times we wrecked 'her' clothes. I'd go naked too, but Mom didn't think that was 'appropriate'.'

"Um ... thanks for the offer, guys, but ..."

"Nothing but! Come on, Eddy! Let's go!", Em continued to nag.

'I also think it would do you good, Ed, or do you want to talk,' Jazz interjected.

Those used to be two tempting alternatives. But what else could I do? After all, my hands were tied. Actually, I should be glad that my family members were trying so hard to help me. Another, only half as promising distraction I didn't have at hand. So I would go a round scuffling with my brothers. Why not? It could at least not hurt to let off steam physically.

But the maneuver was not really successful - as unfocused as I was, I got a lot of it - much to Emmett's delight.


When I left the bathroom freshly showered to get new clothes, which I - confused as I was - had forgotten, Carlisle was waiting for me and examined me thoroughly.

'Edward. Can I offer you my help?'

But today they were all really overzealous. Help? Was there anything left to help me? I didn't know what to do ... But if anyone could do it, it was him. If I hadn't been so perplexed, I certainly wouldn't have gone through with this conversation.

I nodded and was about to head toward his room when he stopped me with a clearing of his throat.

'Don't you want to possibly get dressed first?'

I looked down at myself and actually thought for a moment: What for?

'I'll be in my study waiting for you there.'

After I had satisfied custom, I entered Dad's room and closed the door behind me.

The room was comparatively well soundproofed, but still one question occupied my mind, "Carlisle, where are the others?"

'I sent your brothers away. They had something to do for Alice anyway. Rosalie is out running errands and Esmé is outside with her flowers.'

With a slight dip of his head and a raised eyebrow, he asked me if that was all right.

I silently agreed.

If she picked up a few words, I didn't mind. She had probably put her husband up to it and would squeeze him about it afterwards anyway. I just didn't want to have to tell her directly.

'Would you like to sit down?' he pointed out how lost I looked standing in the middle of the room.

So I complied with his suggestion.

He, on the other hand, went to the window and looked out.

My father didn't want to push me, so as not to make the inhibition threshold even greater. He gave me the freedom to start as soon as I was ready. I briefly considered only addressing him about medical travel supplies at first, but then I scolded myself for being a coward, ran an uncertain hand through my hair and looked for a suitable starting point.

"Dad. I made a mistake, that is ... I think ... or rather, I believed ... Because Bella brushed off my apology ..." God. Was I through the wind!

Embarrassed, I peered over at him - he hadn't moved and was just listening quietly. I frowned, cleared my throat - so again from the beginning - took all my courage together and confessed.

"I touched her."

Silence.

Carlisle waited and when, after an uncomfortably long time, I didn't speak further, he did turn around, came over to the desk and sat down across from me. He pursed his lips slightly and sized me up with slightly narrowed eyes.

'Edward, you touch her all the time! You're going to have to give me some more information, or should I start guessing?' he thought, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

I had to smirk slightly despite my embarrassment.

He just knew me too well. My long-time father figure was exactly right in saying that I would actually prefer to just have to say yes or no instead of voicing my embarrassing problems myself and had challenged my pride. I didn't want to be that undignified after all.

I rubbed over my face and restarted, trying to just see an abstract therapist who didn't know me.

"Well, things were actually going pretty well until ... Yeah, I think until I took off her panties and ..."

"Wait, you just took her off like that? For the first time?"

"Yes ... well no ... I asked her beforehand."

"And she agreed. Good. Go on."

"After that, she had trouble relaxing again. I proceeded very gently ..." In my mind's eye, everything ran for the hundred thousandth time, and I skimmed over what might be so important that I should reveal it. "I don't think I did anything wrong there or that she didn't want something ... Anyway, she didn't say anything and ... even granted my hand access. So I dismissed her tension as excitement and thought ... hoped it would subside with time. And then I apparently penetrated too deeply ... I mean into her private sphere ... um ... just crossed some boundary or other ... Anyway, I examined her ..."

Carlisle's eyes widened.

'You examined her? Or you wanted to satisfy her manually? That's a huge difference and I hope you've only made a mistake in your choice of words.'

I looked a little puzzled.

"Um ... both, I guess," I admitted honestly, and then spoke on quickly so as not to have to elaborate on that detail. "Then she closed herself off. Physically, emotionally ... completely. She said this morning, though, that I hadn't done anything wrong, and it was her fault."

"Hmm ..." He brought the tips of his fingers placed together to his lips, reviewed everything that had been said, and painted a pretty good picture of the whole situation. "First of all, it eems I need to remind you that these problems are not unique - although you should know better. Any fulfilling sexual relationship takes time to get to know each other, to know how the other person reacts and what they like. And even then the task is not finished. Environments, circumstances, any factors change permanently and with it moods, wishes and needs change as well. This project is not comparable to building a house, where you first analyze the circumstances, then plan in detail and finally do everything to make it happen. It's more like a nomadic tent that you have to pitch again and again, fundamentally exploring all the conditions each time. Remember how it was with Esmé and me."

And his thoughts pulled me far into the past, to the beginning of our life together.

"I'm sure you'll know it in more detail than I do, since you know both sides."

It really had been a very difficult time - for all three of us. Esmé was not only struggling with the fact of not being dead as a vampire, as she had decided for herself, but also had to cope with the somewhat dull human loss of her son. Then there was also the burden of being responsible for the end of quite a few human lives. Carlisle had his hands full introducing a newborn and me, a young vampire, to his philosophy of life and had to keep his feelings for his mate in check until the first bloodthirsty wild and animalistic phase had subsided. The more this was the case, the more Esmé's own overwhelming passion welled up. But traumatized by a violent husband, she could hardly allow physical closeness. Infinitely gentle and sensitive, Carlisle had managed to get through to her. But there were always triggers of some sort that caused her to collapse into a whimpering quivering heap and set back their mutual efforts by weeks. This was the first and only time my father came up to me and asked directly for specific details of strangers' thoughts. Normally he was absolutely discreet in that regard and only called on my ability in an emergency, in which case a brief confirmation of his suspicions was enough. Rarely did he ask for more specific information. But in that case he was desperate and helpless, since his companion could not talk about the gruesome details that had happened to her. In years of repeated sexual abuse, numerous reasons had accumulated that made an intimate approach very difficult - be it a word, a gesture or just a wrong look, a piece of clothing ... The list was endless. And I got to see it all - in addition to my own problems - firsthand.

"And at some point ...", Carlisle brought me back from the memories. "... - I was always overly careful, gentle and tender, just so I wouldn't do anything wrong - she hissed at me in complete frustration and demanded more passion!" He smirked. "Yes, today I can laugh about it, but at the time I was initially quite shocked. Of course also happy about the progress and that I didn't have to restrain myself all the time, but just as big was the fear of doing something wrong. So you see, I too had to experience all this wisdom firsthand."

To this revelation I abstained from comment. The image of my parents having gentle vanilla sex were already enough for me. I did not have to conjure up more detailed wilder variants.

"I can only recommend that you introduce a regular conversation where you share your wants and needs - it saves a lot of unfulfilled expectations and the disappointments that follow. And you don't have to get over yourself to bring something up every time. Don't make the same mistake I did at the beginning, that it has the character of a therapeutic session, because it isn't and doesn't work at all if you are emotionally involved yourself. It should be a normal conversation or at least a loose informal form in whatever constellation. It is about you and finding a fulfilling way together."

I nodded thoughtfully.

I had noticed that - also the benefits, although they had soon moved this exchange to undisturbed times or places. But whether I could persuade Bella to do so, I doubted very much at the moment.

"Codes are also of great use. I don't even want to know which of ours you know," he raised his hands defensively.

Of course I knew their secret signs and code words with which they made the other understand what they wanted, even if they changed them again and again because of me. For example 'Love me' - 'I want you, get ready for something' - 'I need you now!' - or 'Seduce me as soon as the opportunity is there' - or just 'Let's get out of here'. How such an arrangement could increase the tension and anticipation was unmistakable to me, and I could also understand that it meant that there was less danger that one was only after quick passionate sex, but the other was after a long romantic night of love. However, I still wondered if this method wouldn't get boring in the long run, if you always knew beforehand and there were no more surprises. Whereby, of course, there was still a lot of room for maneuver ...

"Well, Bella is not traumatized," Carlisle snapped me out of my musings. "And she may be very mature for her age in many ways, but in more than one she is an insecure and inexperienced young girl. Her self-esteem is not particularly pronounced. Many factors have an effect on a person and their sexuality. Not only the conscious upbringing of the parents, but also their role model function, the social environment and subliminally conveyed moral concepts. Christian values in particular have long had a very high status here, which however - in some strata and groups right up to the present day - has given rise to a very negative and tainted image of the female sex in general, eroticism and love life in particular. Bella does not appear religious, but such unconscious influences should not be underestimated."

His centuries of practice as a medical advisor clearly came into play.

"Added to this is the influence of the media today and its propagated ideals of beauty. How much it affects their satisfaction and their sense of attractiveness, I am not able to judge. For many people, there are key stimuli that can unintentionally remind them of something or intuitively evoke unpleasant feelings, which then block relaxation. Women also more often have the problem of being mentally captivated and strongly influenced by them. For what takes place for most men via the visual, runs for them to a large extent via the imagination. That is, the mind is an essential aspect - and if this is busy with something counterproductive, all efforts can also be in vain - she will not be able to let herself fall."

That's when I listened attentively.

Well, I knew from unpleasant, overheard thoughts that there were women who were mentally elsewhere in bed... And also had no pleasure in it ... But if it were a first time, they could certainly not let mating go over them so easily as these experienced bored partners could ... But would close themselves. Was that it? But what had occupied Bella so much that she didn't want to tell me?

"You see ...", my counterpart continued his monologue, "... the mood, the ambience can be of great importance - and that includes your intention! Many women have a strong intuition and feel clearly what you do after. I think you understand what I'm alluding to!"

His gaze became a little piercing for a brief moment, and I stroked my forehead in embarrassment.

It had simply overtaken me. How could I have resisted?! But he did me the favor of not responding further - his rebuke had visibly arrived - but continued to speak without expecting an answer from me.

"In principle, you should never fool yourself or your partner, but in this case it can go especially wrong. Only if you play with open cards, you can properly respond to each other. Not wanting to force anything - neither on yourself nor on the other person is crucial for success. And Edward, I know you feel like time is running out and that you want to give your spouse a perfect wedding night. But by God, you wouldn't be the first to have it not work out on that one night. Vaginismus and erectile dysfunction are just two obvious effects where a physical strike comes to light. It really doesn't matter at all when the sex act happens - the main thing is that it happens without pressure, and you can both enjoy it!"

Once again, he unerringly hit my sore spot. Would my perfectionism allow me to change something about the expectations and demands placed on me? I had only made the promise to try, but nevertheless I would do everything possible for me to keep it. I could only fervently hope that we managed to resolve the tensions as soon as possible in order to optimize the conditions - if my beloved still wanted to at all.

'Shouldn't you be glad that she might give up on this project?' a spiteful voice called out to me. 'Isn't that what you wanted from the beginning?!'

I ruffled my hair and shook my head.

No! I truly could not be happy about this disharmony. I didn't want to miss the sweet hours of our togetherness anymore - even if I couldn't accomplish the physical union.

"Edward?!" Carlisle waited until he had my full attention again to jump to his conclusion. "Accordingly, I can't tell you what Bella wasn't comfortable with yesterday - you'll have to ask her that yourself, if she can even define it - but I strongly suspect that she simply didn't feel comfortable for some reason and didn't know how to deal with it. Instead of expressing her feeling immediately, she suppressed it, perhaps convinced herself of something, until the situation became too much for her. There is no one to blame. You two just have to learn to take your own signals seriously and to communicate clearly."

After a while of collecting myself, I thanked my father.

He had actually helped me sort out and weigh my emotional jumble of thoughts. I was no longer completely hopeless and at least had a directional ray of hope as to how I could continue to deal with it - a slightly different perspective on the matter. There really were numerous influences that neither of us always had control over, but could only consciously deal with.

Afterwards, we still went through together the necessary and - in his opinion unnecessary - medical care I would need for Bella on Isle Esmé.


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