Chapter Five:

Guards and Zombies: The Kenny Cometh


The bulky green tank rolled around the grassy terrain, its engines rumbling, and its wheels grinding, followed by the other tanks in the vicinity.

Even in the dark of night, it was up to the military to maintain security in the Mushroom Kingdom, no matter where they were and what time of day it was. On top of the tank's hull, Chris Gordman stood halfway out of the hatch, observing the countryside as it rotated around him.

He calmly breathed in the night air, letting the warm breeze sweep through his lungs, and oxygen continued to fill his body with each passing second. Chris remained calm, and confidently focused on the current task, regardless of how late it was.

Nothing distracted him. Nothing broke his concentration. And, certainly, nothing could interfere with his every-day duties to the Mushroom Kingdom Military, no matter what challenges he faced.

Red-blue lights suddenly flashed beneath Chris, and the tank's hide rumbled with the sound of upbeat music, breaking the guard's line of concentration for the time being. The perpetrator emerged from the open port in front of Chris, sporting smooth black shades over his eyes, and combed brown hair, while he made dancing gestures and bopped his head to the music;

Swagmaster69696969, Chris' dim-witted associate.

"Music time, boiiiiiiiii!" Swag declared.

'Damn it, Swagmaster.' Chris rolled his eyes, military duty was not the ideal time for someone to play funky music and goof around, not when the Mushroom Kingdom could potentially come under attack at any moment if the land's enemies decided to make a move.

"/Roll the tank, roll the tank./"

Swag sang with the upbeat music, and he pumped his fist happily, while the disco lights flashed across his face;

"/We got the best of the best in the army rank./

"/There's not a time in the world to be so very, very, very dank.

"/Let's roll out the tank, roll out the tank, roll... out... the... tank.

"/Fresh in our rank, ready for combat with the BOOM BOOM BOOM, we got the tank.

"/Roll it out, roll it out. Roll out the tank, roll the tank.../"

"Turn the darn music off, Swag." Chris told his associate.

Swag, his funky mood broken by his friend's instruction, turned off the hidden music-disco box with a kick, and looked at his fellow military guard with a goofy smile that hid his irritation towards Chris Gordman.

"C'mon, Chris. How's a sexy dude supposed to keep up his spirits?" Swag demanded, "We're rolling the tanks, and tanks are the most badass, most intimidating, most destructive, well-polished forces of justice to grace the Mushroom Kingdom with our armed forces."

"Now isn't a time to have a dance party, you dumbass of a soldier."

Swag shook his fist furiously, his facade of calmness melting away.

"Screw you..." He told his partner aggressively, "I can do whatever I want, even when we're in the military, and you're the biggest stick-up, stuck-up that Swagmaster6969696969696969 has ever known in his military/guardsman career. Just what the hell is wrong with playing music with disco lights anyway?"

Chris glared at his partner. "I don't like the music in your voice, nor do I appreciate how you DISS-CO me, Swag." The guard told his comrade, "Focus on the job, and refrain from any music activities at this time..."

Both guards heard the sound of somebody shrieking, and they cut the tank's engines. The other units ceased movement on Swag and Chris' lead as well, and the two soldiers spotted Fishy Boopkins with little JubJub running by their location, with terror in their eyes, and the former Spike cried, "SOUTH PARK ZOMBIES! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What did that green wimp say? South Park something?" Swag remarked.

"I think he said South Park zombies." Chris quipped.

"Honestly, I think that boy's been watching way too much television and it's giving him fever dreams or some shit..."

A moaning sound cut through the air, accompanying a strange TV signal noise. Swag and Chris were perplexed, and they looked towards the woods. The sound got louder, and the guards saw trees shaking before they were suddenly covered in static, along with several shrubs. Swag brought out his binoculars, and spotted a squat figure approaching.

Swag zoomed in, taking a long look at the mysterious individual, and set down the binoculars as he cried, "Gasp!"

"Gasp what?" Chris asked.

"We got a TV static zombie, Chris..." Swag told him, "...from the show South Park, and his name is Kenny. Someone killed Kenny and turned him into a zombie, the bastards. LET'S BLAST HIM BACK TO THE TV DIMENSION WHERE HIS KIND BELONGS!"

Chris grabbed the binoculars before his associate finished, and his eyes filled with shock the second he got a full glimpse of the approaching Zombie Kenny. He put the viewing equipment aside, and yelled, "We have a code red! All units to your battle stations! This is a special code red, we have a Code Kenny! Repeat: A CODE KENNY!"

Every tank in the field rolled into battle positions, with all guns aimed at the slowly-advancing Zombie Kenny. Swag pulled out his RK-47, along with a megaphone, and he shouted; "TV ZOMBIE KENNY MCCORMICK, THIS IS COMMANDER SWAG OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM MILITARY! TURN AWAY AND GO BACK TO SOUTH PARK! REPEAT, GO BACK TO SOUTH PARK!"

"Paaaaiiiin..." Kenny moaned.

"IF YOU DO NOT STOP MOVING, WE WILL OPEN FIRE!" Swag told the oncoming TV zombie, "WE ARE ALL ARMED! AND WE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT AT YOU! WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU MAY BE CAPABLE OF AS A ZOMBIE, BUT YOU ARE A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER!"

"He's still coming!" Chris yelled urgently, "ALL BATTERIES OPEN FIRE!"

Swag was squeezing the trigger madly, and the barrel of the RK-47 model machine gun burst like the cork of a wine bottle, with bullets screaming their way towards Kenny.

The zombified South Park boy's movements became slower, and the entity moaned as he felt Swag's shots lance through his torso, with his body shaking violently. Concurrently, the tank corps opened fire, their cannons thundering majestically, and their ammo rained down around Kenny.

Swag lowered his machine gun, then he and Chris lowered themselves inside the tank, and began operating the big gun. The roar of tank cannons echoed across the country like thunder in the sky, and debris flew everywhere. In the heat of the chaos, Kenny continued to move towards Swag and Chris' tank force, even as the ground next to him exploded.

Both guards opened fire again, and Kenny vanished in a wall of dust. Chris raised his head, and yelled, "Cease fire!"

Every tank stopped shooting, their barrels smoking from unloading every ounce of ammo they had. Swag popped up, and observed the dusty, smokey field. He raised his machine gun once more, just as a moan cut through the air. A shadow took form, and Zombie Kenny emerged, staring at Swag, Chris, and the rest of their unit as he walked closer, and closer.

"HE'S STILL COMING!" Swag shrieked.

"Just how do you kill a static TV zombie?!" Chris inquired with annoyance.

A tank rolled past the guards' tank, and a Toad in full millitary attire emerged, holding a combat rifle at the ready. The Toad fired off several shots at Kenny, and the tank rolled closer towards the slow-moving zombie. He turned around, and faced the oncoming tank with static-filled eyes.

"Are you trying to run him over?" Swag inquired.

The tank rolled closer, closer, and closer. Just as it was about to collide Kenny, the zombie raised a gloved, static-y hand, and a blob of static engulfed the military-grade vehicle. The Toad with the rifle screamed, and his whole body became consumed by static as well.

"WHAT THE..." Chris and Swag yelled.

Kenny turned back to face the guards, and walked towards them. The other tanks began to roll away, going into full retreat, and Swag shrieked, "I'm not sticking around any longer!"

The dim-witted guard hopped out of the tank, and ran for the hills. It didn't take long for Chris to decide he wasn't going to stick around as well. He climbed out, and ran for his life in the same direction his associate had taken, and the level-headed soldier exclaimed; "Wait! Wait for me, Swag! Don't leave me at the mercy of that zombie!"

"Paaaaaiiiin. Paaaaaaiiiiin." Kenny intoned.

He reached the tank that Swag and Chris had abandoned, and touched it, causing the abandoned vehicle to explode in a wall of static. The ground around the tank became covered in layers of static-y textures, and what was left of Swag and Chris' number one tank disintegrated into nothingness.

Kenny marched on, marching towards the Mushroom Kingdom, as if he was following the Boopkins brothers, the guards, and the rest of the land's army. High above, the night sky was becoming more darker than it already was...