A constant was the blood. It covered her hands, her arms, his chest, his face. Sticky and thick like frosting, but not nearly as sweet. Not even close.

He always smiled at her. Always gave her that final dimpled smile of encouragement, as though she were the one who needed comfort. The longer the scene replayed in her mind, the more convinced she became that he knew the outcome.

"Go get help. I'll be here, okay?" He said, trying to mask the agony he was in. One could easily mistake the light strain in his voice for exhaustion. He'd lost so much blood, maybe it was truly as it sounded.

"Promise?" She always asked. She was always hopeful.

"Promise." He would whisper. And she would place one final kiss to his lips, then one more to his forehead for good measure. Her shaking hands would reposition his cold ones to cover the worst of his wounds and then she'd be off.

Most days she never made it back to Emmett's truck. She'd stumble in the woods, tripping over that damn root and wake up before she hit the ground. Some days she made it back and dialed emergency services, only to hear a dial tone at the end. Other days she made it through the whole night and only woke when her head hit the pillow in his brother's guest room.

She'd wanted to get out of the city; wanted to get out of the state. Really, she just wanted to get away from all the people who knew every detail of her life; wanted to get away from the pitied stares; from the people who asked why she wasn't 'over it' yet.

Rachel zipped up her suitcase and pulled it off her bed onto the floor, fidgeting with the ring on her finger as she stared at the bag. Her flight left in four hours, and had she put off packing as long as physically possible. Though she was normally one who packed and prepared for trips weeks and months in advance, she really didn't want to go on that particular trip. Even though she wanted to get out of the city and the state…she also didn't. Leaving her home felt like leaving him all over again.

Logically, she knew that she needed go to college, that she needed move on and live a normal life.

But part of her just didn't cooperate. There were so many things that they were supposed to do together – not that college had been one of them. Growing up, moving out, and getting jobs were though. Having a big wedding with all their friends and family was too. They were supposed to grow up, get a house on the outskirts of town, right next to his family's farm, settle down and have three 'McCarty babies' and-

"Rach!" Her mother's voice caused her to take a breath, pulling her back to the present. "Rach, do you have your suitcase ready yet? Dad wants to load it in the truck if it's packed so all we have to do is get in and go."

Theresa was overly excited. The moment, Rachel telling her parents that she decided to take them up on their offer to send her to college, had breathed a new life into Theresa. Rachel understood why. Aside from work and the occasional outings with friends, and that stint of dating Kyle Brandon for three months, Rachel didn't do a ton outside of her house. College was probably the first time that Rachel had seemed like she was making an effort to her parents. Even though she really, truly, had been trying. It was just so hard in such a tiny town. There was no way to escape the memories.

Rachel lugged her suitcase down the wooden steps, gracelessly placing it at the bottom. Her father shot her a look, one filled with annoyance because Rachel was 'scratching the floor' or something. When he lifted the case to take it outside, she checked and saw that the floor was just fine. Seemed he was simply in a mood. Wasn't that the story of her life?

"Do you need any help with your carry-on? Got all your notebooks and pencils and stuff for school?" Theresa pushed Rachel's light brown hair out of her face, trying to distract her from her father. Rachel never had the heart to tell Theresa it didn't work. Only a few people knew just how much her father's stoic nature bothered her.

"I have all my school stuff, Mom. Just need to grab a few other things."

Theresa nodded, dropping her arms with a knowingly sad smile. She had wanted to be a part of every step of the 'going away to college process' and therefore was disappointed when Rachel wanted space to do it alone. Rachel had overheard the sentiment many times. Still, Theresa feigned contentment, "Okay. Well, hurry along. Flight leaves soon and it's still an hour to Knoxville. Can't have you missing your flight."

Rachel tried to give her mom an excited smile before bounding back up the stairs to her room. Her carry on was reserved for her most valuable or important items. One change of clothes (in case her bags got lost), her school things, and a few personal items. The personal ones were what she had left to stow away. She'd decided months ago what she was going to bring; a bunch of pictures of her and her friends back home, her little stuffed duck, and her crochet stuff.

She picked up the bright blue yarn and needle, smiling softly to herself as she placed it into the bag next to her little duck. Instead of losing herself in memories, she took a breath and threw the bag over her shoulder. The last thing she had grabbed before leaving was a necklace off of her nightstand. One final reminder.

The hour drive to Knoxville was the worst part of her journey. Rachel sat in the back texting her friends, her father drove silently, glancing at her sharply every now and then from the rearview mirror, and her mother watched the world go by out the passenger window. Time spent with her parents was usually that way: quiet.

It was hard for her to know what to say to them. Dennis was hard to do anything with, having a conversation included. He didn't seem to take much interest in anything Rachel said, usually doing something else or staring off at anything else when Rachel spoke. Her mother was more engaged normally, but things just felt so weird between them lately. Almost like Theresa didn't know how to handle her daughter anymore.

Rachel didn't blame Theresa for feeling that way. Rachel didn't know how to handle her mother either. Though many nights had been spent in her mother's company after it happened, they were usually silent nights. Well, aside from Rachel's tears. After a couple months though, Dennis's patience for Rachel's emotions grew thin and he began insisting that Theresa stop 'babying' Rachel. Her mother's visits ceased after that, and things just grew awkward from there.

Thankfully, they allowed Rachel to seek out the company of her three best friends, mainly Chloe.

Chloe was the only one who never got annoyed when Rachel spoke her true feelings, even with long the span of time since it happened. She had been Rachel's best friend since kindergarten and, aside from a small spat in second grade that neither girl could remember the reason for, their friendship had remained strong. They did nearly everything together, and Rachel considered her the one she could tell anything and everything to. That wasn't to say that their other two friends, Madison and Lucy, weren't close to Rachel or good people. They were just…more similar to Rachel's parents in their opinion on Rachel's emotions. They wanted her to be over it already and couldn't understand why she wasn't.

Rachel didn't really understand it either, and as she sat on the first leg of her seven hours of flight, she contemplated why. Her loss, mostly her inability to let it go, was not a new thought to her. Often, she asked herself why she couldn't get over it and move on and be happy. Or rather, why she couldn't be happy like she had been. A freer kind of happy.

If she could get lost in what she was doing, if she had a girl's night with her friends or went to a town event like a festival, she could be happy. She could forget about the night and tragedy and lose herself in the current moment. She could dance and laugh and talk far too loud and squeal excitedly that one of her best friends had gotten engaged…until it ended.

Then, it was back into the darkness.

Was it because she had witnessed it? Chloe often thought that was the case. It was harder to erase what you'd watched directly. Was it because it was sudden? Chloe thought that played a part too. Rachel had no time to prepare. She turned back and there it was.

People often told Rachel that she had process it and let it go, but she wasn't sure how to do that. She had written letter to herself and him – Madison's suggestion. She had packed away photos and other items that reminded her of him (aside from one or two) – Dennis's instance. Mediation, yoga, sports, and hikes were partaken in to try and find a serene place, both internally and externally, to finally let it go – Theresa's gentle options. She tried drawing, which she sucked at, and tried painting and coloring – Lucy's ideas. Nothing seemed to help.

Rachel prayed that getting out of Gatlinburg would help. Every time she went grocery shopping, she ran into mutual friends or, God forbid, his family. Not that his family were bad people – she actually loved his brothers and his parents – but somehow seeing them always ended in tears on both sides. When Rachel was feeling petty or entitled, she told herself that she was justified in not being over it because his family had yet to be as well.

She fingered the compass pendant around her neck as she waited for the second airplane to take off. College was a fresh start. College was her time to finally let things go and move on. College was going to save her.