Naomi
"I think this one's yours," Daryl said, checking the piece of paper in his hand twice. His other hand was dragging a big bag bursting with all of my stuff across the floor. I peered over his shoulder at it and then up at the number. Room 306. And then, because whoever had allocated the rooms had clearly known I was some kinda chicken shit, underneath were the names Abigail Jeffries and Naomi Payton.
"Yeah," I said. And I felt sick. "I think it is."
I wished it wasn't. I wished I'd never applied in the first place. I wished to be back on that dumb hilltop with Daryl just talking about this place with anywhere but here. He started to walk in ahead of me and then hesitated, doubled back.
"C'mon," he said, quietly. "There's people in there and they're gonna think I'm some kinda creep if I go into a girl's dorm on my own."
"There's people in there?" I repeated, feeling like he'd just told me one of the people in there was a hitman hired to assassinate me.
"Naomi," Daryl looked me dead in the eye. "You got this."
He was so certain of it that suddenly, I was too.
"Yeah," I said and nodded. "I got this."
He moved towards the door again, propelling me ahead of him this time so that no matter what happened, he wasn't the first one in. I came face to face with three people; a girl who looked about our age and a man and a woman, who I assumed were her parents. They looked at us both when we came in.
"Are you in this room too, sweetheart?" the woman asked. She was pretty, with smooth blonde hair that was shiny like out of a shampoo commercial. She was dressed real smart too, one of those fancy pencil skirts and a matching blazer with an electric blue blouse underneath.Like a fancy TV lawyer.
"Yeah," I nodded. "I'm Naomi."
"Naomi," she repeated. "What a pretty name. This is my daughter, Abigail. Looks like you two will be roommates, isn't that exciting?"
"Hi," the girl gave me a smile and a small eye roll, the kind of look that says 'aren't parents so embarrassing when they're like this?' I smiled back in a way that I hoped made it look like I knew what she meant, even though I didn't. "You can just call me Abbie."
"Nice to meet you, Abbie," I said. Abbie was pretty like her Mom. The same shiny hair but hers was longer. She was well dressed too, and I regretted wearing my sweats. They'd been comfortable to travel in but I hadn't thought about how much of a slob I would look when we arrived. "And you, too Mrs Jeffries."
Abbie's mom smiled at me, "How did you…?"
"Name's on the door," I gestured back at the open door.
"Of course," Mr Jeffries smiled. His teeth were so white they probably glowed in the dark. They were like a family of movie stars. "Are your parents here? It would be nice to meet them, too."
"Uh, no, sir," I said. "My Momma… she's working today, couldn't get out of it. She's out of the State."
The lie came so easily it surprised even me. I could feel Daryl staring at me and prayed he'd keep his trap shut.
"Oh," Mrs Jeffries looked surprised. "That's a shame. What about your father, is he not here to drop you off?"
"No, he's dead," I shrugged. That one felt like less of a lie because I'd said it so many times. I didn't know him from any other stranger on the street. For all I knew, he really was dead. For all I knew, Mr Jeffries could have been my dad. The thought and the awkwardness of the silence that followed my revelation almost made me laugh, to distract myself I said, "This is Daryl."
Daryl didn't say anything, he just gave a grunt that he usually gives to strangers he doesn't care about. They waited, I think for me to give some context as to who Daryl was to me but I didn't because I don't think there's a word for it.
"Hello Daryl," Mr Jeffries said after a long pause.
Daryl just nodded at them and then turned to me and said, "Shall we get the rest of your stuff?"
"Yes," I said, extremely grateful to have an excuse to leave this interaction.
"I left you the bed by the window," Abbie said.
"Thanks."
"We're going to get some lunch on campus and then we'll head off and leave you two girlies to get to know each other," Mrs Jeffries said. The only thing that made me feel better about any of that was that Abbie looked as terrified by the idea as I was.
"Okay," I forced a smile. "Have a great time."
"Thank you, sweetie," Mrs Jeffries said. "I'm sure we will."
I was pretty sure she kept calling me sweetie and sweetheart because she'd already forgotten my name. Daryl took a bag of my stuff over to the bed and dropped it there. I put the bad i was carrying down on the floor at the foot of the bed. There was a long and awkward silence while Abbie and her family left the room. I didn't feel like I could breathe properly until they were gone.
"Well shit," Daryl turned to me. "Looks like you got a fancy-ass roommate at this fancy-ass school."
"Yeah," I sank my non-fancy-ass down onto the bed.The mattress was bare, stained in a couple of places. I looked at it miserably. "I forgot to pack sheets."
It was a small thing but it absolutely crushed me. It felt like a sign that I wasn't ready for this, how could someone forget something so obvious and still get innto college? I certainly didn't belong in this room with Abigail Jeffries and her perfectly made bed. She had extra cushions and a neatly folded matching blanket. Her side of the room smelled like everything had been freshly washed with vanilla.
"We can go get you some," Daryl said. "There's a Walmart nearby. You can use my employee discount."
I looked up at him and when our eyes met my heart felt heavy. He looked worried. Probably about me, which was silly because I was just moping around and being a drama queen about some damn sheets. This was meant to be a good day but I felt like an idiot for having worked my ass off just to sit it on this lumpy and uncovered mattress.
"Thanks," I said and, figuring enough time had passed for Abbie and her family to be out of the building by now so we would avoid running into them, I stood up. "Let's go get everything else."
The corridors were full of other people, arms laden with boxes and bags. Anxious parents buzzed around. Their kids either looked sad or annoyed but sometimes both. Some of them looked terrified and it was nice to see I wasn't the only one. It was a blur of people and faces, way more than I was used to seeing all crammed in one place. The only thing it was kind of similar to was when the bell rang between classes at school and everyone poured out into the halls, except here most of them were also carrying boxes or wheeling fancy suitcases.
We made our way to the truck I'd rented. Daryl had managed to get me a good rate on it because the truck's owner was the same guy who had given him the apprenticeship at the garage. This meant he trusted Daryl so I took it as good sign. Daryl grabbed a box of books and groaned, "You have to bring all of these?"
"Yes."
"You know they're gonna make you read more books here, right?" he said. "Ain't that the point of college?"
"I know," I said. "Those are just my favourites."
"Right," he said, with a slight eye roll. I grabbed another box. The reading lamp he made was sticking out the top of it. He frowned at it, kinda did a double-take like he couldn't believe he'd just seen it. "Didn't know you'd brought that with you. No wonder you got so many damn boxes, packing any old shit, huh?"
"'Course I did," I said as he kicked the door of the truck shut behind him. "How else am I supposed to read?"
"They have lamps here, dumbass."
"They won't be as good as mine, though," I said. He rolled his eyes but as we approached the door of the dorms I caught him smiling and I was extra glad I'd brought it with me.
It took us about four trips to get all of my shit from the truck to the dorm. Daryl took my books out of their boxes and put them on the small shelving unit in my half of the room. He muttered to himself about how he could build me a better one that didn't wobble and could fit more damn books on it. I half-listened as I hung up my clothes but I was distracted by how shabby and worn all of them looked compared to Abbie and her well-dressed, pristine family. I tried to remember the last time I'd bought something new for myself, or if I even owned a pair of jeans without a hole in them.
"Hey!" a book slammed against the floor beside me. Close enough to get my attention but real far away so it had no chance of hitting me. "Anyone in that brain of yours Naomi?"
"What?" I spun around to face him, feeling weirdly guilty about being distracted by something as dumb as the state of my jeans.
"We're pretty much done here, you wanna go pick up some sheets and get some food? I'm starving," he said.
"Oh," I said, feeling a bit dazed. "Yeah. Sounds good."
He nodded and we left. It felt weird to leave all of my stuff in a strange room. I wondered if Abbie would come back while we were out, if she'd notice all of the holes in my crappy clothes or that they didn't smell like vanilla the way hers did.
We took the truck to Walmart where Daryl watched me stand and stare at different kinds of bedding for about twenty minutes before he sighed and said, "Can you just pick some damn sheets already?"
"Sorry," I shook my head. My thoughts felt like they were stuck in some kinda fog. "Don't know what's wrong with me."
"What about these?" he picked some up, seemingly at random and squinted at them. "They're… elephants. You like elephants."
"Do I?"
"Do you not?" he looked confused. "What's wrong with elephants?"
"No, I do," I said. "But not any more than any other animal. Just, like, a regular amount."
"Okay…" Daryl nodded, chucking the elephants back on to the pile. "Well this one is very you. Ultimate nerd sheets."
He held it up with a grin. It was hard to see it properly because it was all folded up inside the packet. I took it off him and stared at the little picture on the front. The whole thing was printed to look like bookshelves, some books open, some closed. Like sleeping in a library.
"I actually really like this," I said, mildly annoyed that he'd done so well on his second go.
"Course you do."
"I'm taking the elephants too," I said, picking them up from where Dary had dropped them. "'Cause I do quite like them. And I will need spares."
"Knew it," he said. "See. That weren't so hard."
I gave him the money for it and he took them to the counter so he could get his Walmart discount. Afterwards, we found an open and fairly empty greasy spoon to get some food in. He got a burger, I went for mac and cheese. I was absolutely starving until it arrived and then I felt queasy. I pushed my food around my plate for a while while he wolfed his down.
"You talk different around fancy people," he commented, pulling me out of a weird funk. I'd been imaging Abbie and her parents arriving back into our room to find all of my second-hand books and shit lying around and then promptly binning it all because they'd mistaken it for garbage.
"What?"
"You talk different with fancy folks. It's the same voice you use for teachers," he said. "All proper grammar and stuff."
"Do I?" I pretended I didn't know, like it wasn't a conscious choice I made so that people didn't assume I was a dumb hillbilly the second I opened my mouth.
"Yeah," he nodded. He shoved a few more chips in his mouth and chewed over the silence. I moved macaroni around my plate but didn't touch any of it. "Why'd you lie about your Momma?"
"What?" I felt a twist of guilt in my stomach. I hoped he'd take the hint and drop it. He didn't.
"You said she was working."
"Yeah," I sighed. "I know what you meant. I just… I don't know them. Don't need them knowing my business."
He nodded and immediately understood. I kinda knew he would. The only person either of us really shared anything with was each other. Daryl leaned forward. His hand almost touched mine on the table.
"You ain't gotta worry, you know," he said.
"What?"
"You ain't got nothing to worry about," he said. "People are gonna like you, no matter what you wear or how you talk. They gotta."
I swallowed. I kind of hated that he could pin-point exactly what was wrong without me saying anything. I guess it was more obvious than I thought it would be, maybe everyone felt this was on their first day of college.
"They might not," I said. I sounded small. I felt small. "I might have no friends here."
"You might," he shrugged. "But you won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because I had no friends once," he said. "And then this really annoying girl stole a sandwich and shared it with me and I ain't been able to shake her since, no matter how hard I try."
"Shut up," I laughed. The nerves were still there, but they were happier.
"Nah, I'm serious," he said. "She is so annoying. But she's also the best thing that ever happened to me and any of those fancy assholes would be lucky to call her a friend."
"Daryl..." I said. Because I didn't really know what else to say.
"Didn't say it was you," he shrugged. "Might be talking about someone else."
"Shut up," I said again. "And thanks."
"Eat your damn food," he said. "It's getting cold."
I ate and found swallowing much easier than it had been when we'd arrived. Daryl was done already and disappeared back up to the counter to get us both some milkshakes. I watched him have a quiet conversation with the server and when he came back there were extra crushed up Oreos on top of mine. I almost burst into tears when I saw them.
"You wanna stay tonight?" I asked and my hands shook when I reached formy milkshake straw.
"Gotta get the truck back tonight," he reminded me gently. "Otherwise, we'll have to pay for another day."
"Oh yeah," I felt my heart sink. "I gave you the money for that didn't I?"
"Yeah," he said. "You did, even though I told you not to."
"I let you pay for gas," I reminded him. "That was our deal."
"Very generous of you," he grinned. I flicked a piece of macaroni at him and he caught it in his mouth.
When it was time for him to go, I didn't ask him to stay again but I had to choke down the impulse. He looked sad, pulled me close to him. "Take care of yourself, Naomi," he said. His voice was more gruff than usual. It sounded weirdly formal and too final for my liking.
"You too," I didn't dare speak above a whisper in case I started crying. "Make sure Mia doesn't forget me, yeah?"
She was one and a half now and couldn't even really say my name properly. Momma hadn't really spoken to me much on the run up to me moving away, which meant she was angry about it. So I didn't trust her to make sure Mia remembered me when I was away.
"I won't talk to her about anything else." He gave me one last squeeze and then held me at arms' length. "Visit soon, yeah?"
"'Course," I nodded. He lingered. Neither of us said anything. We just looked at each other in the failing light. There was too much I wanted to say to him, it all got tangled up and caught in my chest.
"I should get the truck back," he said, when we'd lingered for longer than we should.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Go."
He took a deep breath and still, neither of us moved.
Knowing that when this moment was broken everything would be different kept us stuck in it like glue. I wanted to fill the silence with promises that things would always be the same but I didn't because I knew it would be a lie. Seeing each other had been hard enough when I was at school and he was working nights. But now I was hours away by bus, he couldn't just pop by the diner to quiz me on my physics assignments. I couldn't sit on his doorstep and wait for him to come home any time I had a life decision to make. We couldn't sit on our dumb hill and talk about the hypothetical future. This was the beginning of the future wed talked about.
The only way I could step away from him was by telling myself that it was temporary, that by the time I was done studying Daryl would be working full-time on his bikes. I'd start working too, maybe someplace near enough to him that we could go for dinner after work. He could open his own shop. We could live someplace safe.
This is not goodbye, I told myself. Not forever. Just for now.
If I'd have known then, how things were going to turn out, I'd have frozen us both in that moment. I'd have built a glass dome around us so that no one else could get in and we'd live there, like two idiots stuck in a snowglobe.
But I didn't know. I couldn't have known.
So I gave him a salute instead of a hug and said, "See you around, Dary," because I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye.
He said, "Bye, dumbass," and got in the truck.
I did not call for him to come back. I did not watch him drive away.
When I got back to the dorm, Abbie was there already, lounging luxuriously on her bed in a way that made her look like a model but would have made me look like a real slob if I'd tried to pull it off.
"Nice of your boyfriend to help you move," she said. It took me a second to realise who she meant.
"Oh. Daryl isn't my boyfriend," I said. "Just a friend."
"Oh, good," Abbie smiled and for a second I felt a jolt of worry pass through me but before I could figure out why, she said, "I always think it's a mistake when girls bring their highschool boyfriends to college. It never lasts. That's why I broke up with mine the second we got in to different places."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," I said because that's what your supposed to say when someone breaks up with their boyfriend, although Abbie didn't seem all that cut up about it.
She shrugged. "Better to be single your freshman year."
"Yeah," I agreed, although I didn't know why.
"Seen anyone you like on campus yet?" she asked.
"Um… no," I said because we'd been here for all of five minutes and I couldn't remember seeing anyone's face, never mind a face I liked. "You?"
"Yeah," she shrugged, in a cool, non-committal kind of way. "I spotted a couple cuties. There's some freshman party tonight, you coming?"
I wanted to say no. I was tired. I was sad. I just wanted to curl up in bed, turn on my reading light and crack open a book. A familiar one because I didn't feel like trying a new one just yet, not with all this other newness around me.
But I thought that saying no would set the tone for the rest of my freshman year. I thought I'd become the kind of loser that just sat in her dorm room reading while everyone else was out partying like real college students did in films. I'd have no friends. Worse than high school because at least there I'd had one friend. I'd had Daryl. I checked the time and tried to guess what point of his journey he'd be at, how long it would be before he got back home.
"Yeah," I said. "Sounds fun."
"Great," Abbie smiled and grabbed a towel from the back of the door. "I'm going to head for a shower and then we can start getting ready."
She looked so excited about it. I felt my heart sink.
Abbie had definitely been cool in high school. One look at her room and her commercial-shiny hair was enough to tell me that. She's already hung up several well-coordinated outfits on the back of the door as options for tonight. While she was showering down the hall, I started a desperate rummage through my closet in the hopes that I'd find anything I liked enough to wear to a party, anything that looked like I'd put as much thought into my clothes as Abbie had. But I didn't have the brain for it. I couldn't coordinate that kind of thing. Most of my clothes were bought with three things in mind - was it cheap, would it keep me warm in winter/cool in summer and could I go hunting with Daryl in it?
When Abbie came back, I was sitting in a pile of my own clothes, feeling like I was about to fail an exam. She looked at me and said, "You're not much of a girly girl are you?"
I felt like a spy who'd been found out to be undercover less than five minutes into their first mission. I shook my head.
"I thought as much. That's okay," she smiled. She said it a reassuring way but it made me feel like a child. "You can borrow something of mine if you like."
"You sure?"
Her clothes looked far too nice for me. I felt pathetic for saying yes, given that I hardly knew her but the thought of turning up in my old clothes to a party full of people who could afford the same kind of stuff as Abbie, made me want to get on a bus back to my Momma's house. Even if she were giving me the silent treatment right now.
"Of course," she said. And then I saw a glimmer of excitement in her eyes. "Can I give you a makeover?"
"Sure," I said, although I felt like I was giving her permission to shoot me in the head.
She squealed with delight. "This is going to be so much fun."
I smiled back at her, hoping it was convincing enough and then said. "Just gonna hit the showers."
"Fair warning," she said and I picked up my towel and tried to fold it in a way that hid the fact there was a hole in it. "They're pretty gross."
I thanked her for the warning but they weren't so bad. They were shared with the other room in our hallway. It seemed like a fair few people had used them already, there were shampoo bottles lying around and already a few long hairs in varying colours stuck in the drain but they didn't have any used diapers or needles lying around so it was in a better state than my bathroom had ever been. The bathmat outside had soaked up the shower water of everyone before me, so that was kinda gross I guess, but I was sure Abbie was in for a shock after this place had a term's worth of use.
I'd brought shampoo but no conditioner. It seemed like everyone else had some so I made a mental note to buy it the next time I went shopping. When I got back, Abbie had already blow dried her hair. We'd had a blow drier once, not as nice as Abbie's, but it had caught fire a while back and we hadn't replaced it so I was used to just letting mine dry naturally. Abbie made me sit down in a desk chair so that she could dry it and then she got out her flat irons.
"You've got great hair," Abbie said as she clamped it between them. It felt like it was about to set my scalp on fire but I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to think I was ungrateful.
"Thanks," I said. My smile didn't feel real. None of me did.
"You ever thought about putting highlights in it?" she said, squinting down at the top of my head. I shrugged. "I think it could look really cute."
"You think?" I said, trying to sound enthusiastic about it. I wondered how much that kind of thing cost. And then I wondered who would cut Daryl's hair now that I wasn't there to do it for him. Maybe he'd just wait until I visited. Or take himself to the barbers now that he was earning his own money.
"Defo," Abbie smiled. By the time she was done, my hair was straight and smooth and shinier because of some stuff she sprayed in it. I couldn't stop touching it, it was so much softer than I was used to. She asked me to do the same to her hair next, which didn't make much sense to me because it already looked perfect. I did what she asked, smoothing over every little piece of it real carefully because I didn't want to fuck it up. I didn't know how obvious it was that I hadn't done any of that before but she seemed very relaxed so I can't have freaked her out that much.
"How come you're such a tomboy?"
Until she asked, I didn't know that I was.
"I dunno," I said, sectioning off another piece of her hair.
"You got brothers or something?"
"No, I've got a sister, actually, but she's a lot younger," I said. "Though, I guess Daryl's my best friend and he's not exactly into this kinda thing."
I didn't mention that Daryl was my only friend or that our kinda thing was tracking down wild turkeys and gutting them for dinner.
"That's cute," Abbie said. Abbie said a lot of things were cute. "Anything ever happen with you guys?"
It took me a moment to realise what she meant. At first, I thought she just meant in general. I wondered if she wanted to hear about the time we'd found two dead deer at the side of a road and all of our neighbors had shared it for dinner and we'd had a party that spilled over into the night until the police came to shut it down when someone pulled a gun out. Then, I realized what she was really asking and went bright red.
"No," I said. "Just friends."
"Okay," she smiled like she didn't believe me. I guess girls like Abbie had no problems with boys.
"Your boyfriend," I said, desperate to change the subject and to stop talking about myself. "The one you broke up with. Are you guys still in touch?"
"Not really," she said. "He was kinda mad I dumped him. I just don't want to be the kind of girl that marries their high school sweetheart. There are so many boys out there and girls don't have to marry for financial security any more, we don't have to be like our mother's generation."
I nodded like I agreed. But Mrs Jeffries hadn't looked like the kind of woman who'd married Abbie's daddy for money. She looked like the kinda woman who made her own money and probably also homemade ice cream. A friend of my Momma's, who used to work the streets and shoot up with her, had married a middle-class ex-client and she was clean now. Had two kids. A house. A good job. She only got any of that because a guy got her out of it. So, what I'm saying is, I agreed with Abbie in principal but I knew in reality there were some women who needed stability.
Abbie did my makeup. She was real good at it. I tried to watch everything she did, memorise it so that I could do it myself and so that I could teach it to Mia when she was old enough so that she wouldn't hang out with other girls and get embarrassed about not knowing this kind of thing. I'd have to save up for some of my own first, if I was going to learn to do it for real.
"You wanna borrow a dress or a skirt?" she asked, opening her closet for me to take a look.
"Um…" I hesitated, thinking about the scars on my thighs and wondering if she owned anything long enough to keep them covered. Thinking about them made them itch.
"I got some nice tops too," Abbie said quickly. "If your more of a pants kind of gal."
"Yeah," I breathed a sigh of relief. "That sounds good."
"I'll get you in a dress one of these days," she said, with a wink and threw me a few options. She took a pair of my black jeans that were a little ripped at the knee but she seemed to think that were fine. She cut them so the rips were bigger and made matching ones on the other side.
When she was done, I didn't recognise myself. It weren't a bad thing though, I looked way nicer than I'd ever looked before. I looked cool. The kind of person someone like Abbie might be friends with.
Being Abbie's roommate was like a free pass to everyone else who was cool on campus. She was nice to everyone and everyone liked her. She weren't always nice about everyone behind their back but she seemed to like me and it was kind of fun to talk about people when they weren't there. Daryl and I had done it at school, I guess the only difference was that everyone had openly disliked us and we'd disliked them too. Maybe she only liked me because she could dress me up like a lifesize doll and she could try out different styles on me. I didn't mind. My Momma hadn't done any of this girly stuff with me when I was a kid so it was nice to have someone who could teach me these things. I felt like I was wearing a disguise, like I could tuck nerdy, uncool Naomi from highschool away behind a few layers of makeup and different clothes. I got a job, Abbie took me shopping and I could buy a new costume for every day, trying on new versions of who I could be. But wasn't that what college was meant to be about? Figuring out who you really were, who you could be? Maybe that was what I was doing, maybe not. Maybe it was just easier to live as a stranger than to find who I was without Daryl.
Daryl
"Oi, Daryl," Herb had been watching me for a while. I'd felt him staring but pretended not to. It was his garage so he could stare at whatever he wanted. Even if it was creepy and off-putting.
"Huh?" I looked up at him.
"That's good work you're doing there," he said. I shrugged.
"It's nothing."
"Nah, it's good," he said. "You wanna come full time with us?"
I put down the wrench. "For real?"
"Yup," he said. "You've been an apprentice here long enough."
"Thank you," I said. I'd already written my resignation letter to Walmart, I'd just been waiting for the day I could actually hand it in.
"You still got a lot to learn, boy," Herb said. "But I think you could do well here."
"Yes sir," I nodded. "Thank you, sir."
I think I was being overly polite because of how happy it made me and I didn't want him to suddenly change his mind on me if I weren't grateful enough for the opportunity. He just nodded at me and finally let me get back to work. I hardly remember the rest of the day. I think I knocked off earlier than usual because I was so keen to get home. I definitely didn't watch me speed on the roads and got honked at a few times.
When I got there, I stopped outside her door. I could hear Mia crying inside. Miss Payton was in there trying to comfort her. Usually, I'd have gone in and tried to help but I couldn't move.
I'd forgotten Naomi wouldn't be there.
In my excitement for having something to share with her, I'd forgotten she was gone. I felt everything in my chest deflate a little and sadness crept in.
Driving away from her had been shit. That truck had felt cramped on the way there, with all of her dumb stuff piled up high and her in the passenger seat next to me passing me snacks we'd brought for the road. On the way back, it was half empty wrappers and space and silence. So much space. I'd thought of her a lot, all nervous outside her dorm room and eager for me to stay with her.
I'd wanted to say yes.
But I was already late getting the truck back to Herb. And I knew she'd be alright without me. She was built for college, she'd been working for it her whole life. I was sure she'd be teaching the class herself by about the second semester. From what I'd heard about college - all of the reading, all of the studying, all of the arguments with people in classes about the shit you'd read - it was all like it was built for Naomi. She'd be at home there, like I was at the garage. We found our places in the world. Things were good, even if we had to be far apart for a little while.
But now, standing outside her door with so much to tell her, I felt like I did driving away from her again. Small and silent and surrounded by too much space.
"Daryl?" the door opened, Naomi's momma stood in front of me, Mia balanced on her hip. "I thought that was you, what you doing lurking outside?"
"Forgot Naomi weren't here," I said and felt dumb.
"Well, will you take Mia a second?" she asked. "I got something I need to do."
She was already holding her our towards me.
"Sure," I reached out and took her. The door closed before I'd even pulled her close. She was still crying but less so than before.
"Hey," I said. "You okay? You're growing so big now, little lady."
That little bundle I'd met in Naomi's arms was one and half now, heavier to carry around than she had been before.
"Dar," she said, which was as much of my name as she could say at that age.
"Hey," I said again. "What you crying for?"
"No-mi?" she asked, looking hopefully around at the huge amount of space that had been following me around since she'd left. It was like she expected Naomi to appear beside me. I didn't blame her, sometimes I did too.
"She's off being a smarty pants," I said. "I'm sure she'll visit soon."
I don't think Mia fully understood but she said, "Smarpants!" and started laughing instead of crying, which was a relief. The door opened again and Naomi's momma leant out.
"Thanks, Daryl," she said. "Sorry, it's impossible to get anything done when she's crying like that."
She reached out for Mia and I reluctantly passed her back. "Any time, Miss Payton, you know where I am."
"Here you go," she held out a bit of paper to me. I could see a number scrawled on there. It was kinda hard to read, nothing like Naomi's neat writing at all. I took it from her, trying to remember if I'd asked her for anything.
"Er, thanks…" I said. "What's this?"
"The number for Naomi's dorm room," she said. "You get through to these fancy student-ambassador types. But they should be able to put you in touch with Naomi. If whatever you came here looking for her about is urgent. I did it once when I was having some trouble getting Mia to sleep. They can't always find her but she's usually there."
Miss Payton said it with a shrug but I worried about all of the times they looked for her and she wasn't where she should be. It probably just meant she was in the library or some place having fun but what if she weren't? What if something happened to her? How would anyone know? I wasn't sure I trusted her roommate to raise the alarm. She's seemed kinda dumb.
I didn't have a cell phone yet so I gathered all of the change I could find at home and walked to the nearest payphone. Deciphering the numbers Naomi's mom has written town took a while and I was nervous at first that I'd get through to the wrong place. But then some perky, cheerful boy answered with the name of her school so I knew I was at least kind of in the right place.
"I'm looking for Naomi Payton," I said.
"Is she a student with us, sir?"
It was weird to be called sir.
"Er, yeah," I said. "Room 306."
I had it seared into my brain from when I'd dropped her off.
"Ah, yeah, I know the one," he said. "If you can stay on the line for me, please, sir."
"Sure."
There was a silence that went on for ages. Every noise I heard on the other end made my heart beat faster. Was it her? What if they couldn't find her? I put more money into the payphone and waited.
"Hello?" It was her. For a moment I couldn't speak. I heard her sigh. "That you, Momma?"
"No, dumbass."
"Daryl!" The joy in her voice made me feel warm. The line crackled.
"Your Momma gave me this number. That okay?" I was suddenly worried she'd find it weird for me to call, like I was trying to muscle in on her new life.
"Of course," she said. "Everything okay with you?"
"Yeah," I said. I closed my eyes so it wasn't like I was just talking to the inside of the phonebooth. The line started to beep so I put a few more quarters in. "Great, actually. Herb offered me a full time job."
I heard her gasp. I could picture the exact smile she'd give me, the one that was different from the one she gave to everyone else. It was almost as good as her actually being there.
"That's amazing," she said. "I'm so happy for you! I knew it wouldn't be long before he brought you in for real."
"No you didn't."
"I did," she insisted and I knew she'd have that stubborn glint in her eye that got there every time she thought she was right about something. Which was always. "I knew he'd see your potential soon. He had to. Won't be long until you've got your own garage. He's probably offered you the job because he's worried about the competition."
"Shut up," I said, blushing even though there was nobody else in the phonebooth.
"No. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks," I said. I wanted to say more but it all felt too big to come out of my mouth so I said, "How are things with you, college lady?"
"Yeah," she said, her tone was light and breezy but forced. I knew it right away. "It's great, classes are great, everyone here is…"
"Great?" I finished for her.
"Yeah."
There was a pause.
"C'mon, Naomi," I said. "You wouldn't shut up about college since we were little and now you're actually there all you can say is it's 'great'?"
Another pause. Longer than the first. The phone beeped again to let me know I had thirty seconds until my money ran out. I emptied every last piece of change I had on me into the machine.
"Classes are hard," she said eventually. "Like, really hard."
"Surely not for you though, smarty pants?"
She laughed but I could tell it wasn't genuine.
"And people are…" she hesitated.
"Someone giving you shit?" I asked. My fists clenched automatically. I thought about how long the drive would be, if it was worth it to fight one asshole. (It was.)
"No," she said, quickly. "Nothing like that. They're just... different, y'know?"
"Yes," I said even though I didn't really. "Don't matter, you don't need any of them. You've always been alright on your own."
I probably shouldn't have said that because she'd never really been on her own. Not with me around. A tiny part of me was relieved she hadn't replaced me with some college asshole.
"Yeah," she sighed. "I miss you."
Something in her voice tugged at my heart, like there was an invisible thread connecting it to her.
"I miss you too," I said. Again, I wanted to say more.
"How's Mia?"
"She's awesome," I said. "Like always. Getting bigger every day."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, she'll be at college herself in no time."
She laughed again, a real one this time.
The phone beeped.
"I'm outta time," I said. "No quarters left."
"Thanks for calling," she said. "And I am so, so proud of you."
There was a lot I wanted to say but I didn't know how to word it. So I said, "Bye, Naomi."
And she said, "Bye, Daryl."
And neither of us hung up until my money ran out and the line went dead. I opened my eyes, put the phone back on the receiver and stared at it for a while. I wondered if she was doing the same or if she'd had to immediately pass it back to the preppy guy who'd answered. I worried briefly about the note in her voice that had tugged at my heart but I brushed it off. College was meant to be hard, of course it would take time to settle when you move somewhere new. She'd be fine. And she'd been so happy for me. She couldn't be finding things that hard if she could still sound so happy for me, right?
Right?
Wrong.
But I wouldn't realize it until way too late.
I started working full time at the garage the day after I'd finished working my notice period at Walmart. Herb had said I could take a few days off in between if I wanted to. I said no, that I wanted to get started right away. I thought that kind of dedication would work in my favour. Maybe I should have taken a day or two, maybe taken the bus to see Naomi. Maybe things would have been different then.
Full time at the garage meant the other guys there stopped ignoring me. They started giving me shit though so I'm not sure it was any better. They'd move my toolkit when I wasn't looking. They'd make me get them beers from the fridge. One time, I'd packed myself a lunch and found everything with one bite taken out of it. Since then I'd started hiding it. They were assholes but I didn't really mind, I was sure it would blow over when I became an accepted member of the team. Or when some other new guy started.
Two weeks into my new job I was concentrating real hard because Herb had trusted me to look after my first bike on my own. I didn't notice that it got quiet. I didn't hear a cough behind me.
"Hey there, stranger," I thought I'd imagined her voice. Sometimes my mind drifted to her and I'd forget she wasn't standing beside me any more. I'd turn to tell her something and then remember that she was a two hour bus ride away so she couldn't hear me. "Nice wings."
It was only when she said that and someone whistled at her, which was common whenever a girl walked in, and I knew she was really here. I could hear whichever idiots were standing near the whistler start to laugh.
"Naomi," I said. My throat felt dry. I was suddenly very conscious of the oil on my hands and how much I'd been sweating. It probably didn't smell great here. "What you doing here?"
She shrugged. "I was in the area. Thought I'd pop in and say hi."
"Everything okay?" I asked. This was far from any area she should have been in, it wasn't even that close to home if she was just here to see her Momma and Mia.
She nodded. "Just wanted to say hi."
"Hi," I said and I was annoyed at myself because I knew I was giving her the dumbest smile.
"You didn't tell us about this pretty little lady," Reg was all over the situation like a rash. He was probably also the dumbass who'd whistled at her. "This your sister or something? No way a girl as pretty is this is going out with an ape like you, huh Daryl."
He laughed. I knew I was meant to laugh with him but I wanted to punch him in the throat. Naomi's smile was tense and polite.
"We're buddies," I said, wiping the oil off my hands with an even oiler rag. I wanted to get between them before Reg could get his claws into her.
Buddies.
It sounded dumb. Too small and silly to sum up everything she was to me. Everything I hoped I wasn't her. I tried to read what she might have thought of it in her expression but she was still looking at Reg.
"Hi, I'm Naomi," she said, extending a hand to him like she was some kind of businessman. He looked amused and shook it.
"Naomi," he repeated. "It's great to meet you."
"Gimme five?" I asked Herb.
"Take as long as you need," he said. "Reg, get back to work." Freddie grinned at us both. "Stop by again soon, yeah?" he said to Naomi, who gave him a non-committal nod. I quickly moved her out of the workshop and round to the side of the building where it was quieter and there were fewer creeps around.
"Seriously," she said. "Nice jacket but you do look a bit like Kinevall."
"Thanks," I said. "That dumb bear was just what I was going for when I bought it."
"It's cute," she said. I didn't think I'd ever heard her call anything cute in my life so I didn't really know what she meant by it. "And he's a very stylish bear so I really don't-"
"What are you doing here?" I asked. It came out way harsher than I meant it to. She blinked at me like I'd stung her. I felt bad about it but I was meant to be working and I was already annoyed by Reg's shitty behaviour.
"Just wanted to come and say hi," she shrugged. "I'm home for the weekend. Thought I'd surprise you. Sorry if it's a bad time."
"Nah," I said, the look on her face made me feel super guilty. "It's fine. I just don't get off for another couple of hours."
"That's fine," she said, quickly. "I didn't expect you to. I'm okay to hang around until you're done. I spotted a bookshop in town, so-"
"Mr Kay's?" I smiled. "Yeah, I thought you'd like that dumb place."
She was smiling again. She seemed taller. Her hair was ridiculously straight, I'd never seen it like that before.
"I'll go hang out there for a bit," she said. "You can come get me when you're done."
"Sounds good," I said. I was very relieved that she wouldn't be hanging around the garage. I made sure she headed off safely in the right direction.
It was hard to concentrate for the rest of the day. I kept thinking I'd daydreamed it happening. Even as I went in to Mr Kay's to meet her, I half-expected not to find her.
The bookshop was smaller on the inside that it looked from the shop window. I think it was because every available space was piled high with books and more bookcases had been stuffed into the shop than was probably allowed by health and safety regulations. When Mr Kay, whoever he was, had run out of shelf space he'd started to pile them up on the floor too. Like a rabbit's warren built from bookshelves, it was almost impossible to navigate around. I kept ending up back where I started.
"Naomi?" I called when I'd given up on trying to find her on my own. I felt bad for saying anything at all, a lifetime of following her from one library to another had made me terrified to say anything around books. Naomi was a real loud shusher and she had this glare in her eyes when you interrupted her reading, like you'd just set fire to her whole family.
No sooner had I said her name, than a small man in a shabby cream cardigan that was more holes than wool appeared around one of the corners. He had big glasses and a stern face. Without saying anything, he beckoned me over. I followed him a way that I was sure I had been down before. And then slightly further, deeper in to his nest of books. I wondered if this was Mr Kay himself and if he was silently leading me to where I wanted to go or if he was about to kill me.
Then I saw Naomi. She was sitting on a window ledge, her knees pulled up around her and a book balancing on them. She'd tied her hair back, small frown creased her face but her body was more relaxed than I'd seen it in a while. This was the most like herself she'd looked since arriving. In the moments I let myself think of her afterwards, this was how I liked to remember her.
I smiled. As silently and suddenly as he'd arrived, Mr Kay was gone. My usual tactic when Naomi was in this kinda reading trance was to throw soft things at her until she paid attention to me again but I didn't trust Me Kay not to be lurking somewhere behind one of the nearby bookshelves, watching my every move in case I damaged one of his damn books. There was a half-empty mug beside her, full of either long-forgotten tea or coffee. I considered picking it up and dumping it over her but that felt a bit extreme, even if it would get those weird light bits out of her hair. She was dressed different. Jeans too tight for hunting in and a top I hadn't seen her wear before, the kind you probably didn't want to get mucky. It didn't quite sit right on one of her shoulders. I wondered if it didn't fit right or if it was meant to be that way. She looked thinner than usual. I wondered if she was eating right.
I reached out and touched her shoulder. It felt bonier than usual. Or maybe I was overthinking it. I was gentle but she was so shocked that she nearly fell off her window ledge and sent her cup of maybe tea maybe coffee flying to the ground.
It was way funnier than when I chucked stuff at her and I wished I'd discovered that sooner.
"Oh," her eyes were wide and full of surprise. "You're early."
"No, actually I had to stay an extra half hour," I told her. "Nice to know I was missed."
She blinked at a watch. New. I hadn't seen that before either. "Shit you're right," she scrambled down from the ledge. "Sorry, let's go."
She put the book she'd been reading in to a bag that was overstuffed with others.
"You bought all of these already?" I asked. "Yeah. And Mr Kay was nice enough to let me read them while I waited. He even made me a tea. I love this place."
She pushed the plastic bag inside the one I'd made her two years before. It was nice to see that even with all the new shit she'd got herself, she was still carrying that around. With her free hand she picked up the cold mug of tea. I followed her to a desk where she left it out for the still absent Mr Kay and then she lead me to the front of the store. She didn't get lost once. It was bizarre.
"So what do you wanna do?" I asked. It was just starting to get dark. A few of the streetlights had come on. A few were still dark.
"I'm taking you for dinner," she said. "To celebrate your new job. My treat, you can't say no."
"Okay," I said. And then I had to ask, I couldn't hold it in any longer. "You got a new job too or something?"
"Yeah," she said. "Another diner in the city."
There was a lie in there, I saw a flicker of it in her face.
"Tips must be good," I said. She just nodded. Gave me her Everyone Else Smile. It made my heart sink a little bit. She hadn't been gone that long. But was it long enough for me to slip into 'everyone else' category?
"So what you in the mood for?" she asked and it felt like a deliberate change of the subject.
I thought about it for a second.
"Pizza?"
"You sure?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"I said it's my treat," she reminded me. "We can get something fancier than pizza."
"This diner," I asked. "They pay you in solid gold?"
She rolled her eyes. "Pizza it is."
"Bike's over here," I said, pointing in the direction I'd parked it. "I know where I want to go. How'd you get here?"
"Bus," she said.
"So you need a ride?"
"Yes please."
I nodded and didn't say anything but I was real happy about it. My bike had been feeling a little bare since she'd gone away. It was nice to have her on the back of it again. I took us closer to home, to where the best pizza near us was. Or, at least the best in my opinion. I think it might have been the place that Merle ordered from when Naomi came to stay with us for a bit. Maybe that's why I liked it so much.
"You wanna go here?" she said when we stopped outside it. She looked kinda like she didn't believe it but I could also see the hint of a smile on her face too.
"Yeah," I said. "A pizza each. Take out. And some of them cookies."
"Okay," she laughed and climbed down from the back of the bike. "I'll be right back."
I leant against my bike and watched through the window as she ordered. Her hair was so poker straight and streaked with a lighter shade, I wasn't sure I'd have recognised her from the back. She turned around and pulled a face at me through the window. I pulled one back. It was quiet outside. The light was dying. But it felt like home for the first time in ages.
She came back out with three boxes, two big and one little. "Why'd you have to ask for take out?" she grumbled as she tried to balance all three of them and herself on the back of the bike. All of them smelt incredible. I smiled but didn't say anything. I just waited until it felt like she were steady enough and then I started going. I tore right through the trailer park, not giving a shit if anyone got mad at me about at. This was a special occasion. I build enough momentum to get us to the top of our hill.
"Here?" she smiled, slipping down from the back, arms still full of pizza.
"Yup."
I stood my bike up and went to sit next to her on our log. She passed me one of the pizza boxes. The night was getting cooler but the box made my lap warm. I took out a slice and bit in to it as we looked out over Atlanta.
"Don't get better than this," I said and I meant it. She laughed and for once I couldn't tell if it was at me or with me. I looked at her as she tucked into her pizza. There was a lot I wanted to say to her, to ask her about everything she'd been up to while she'd been away. But there was also a part of me that weren't ready to hear it. There was a part of me that couldn't let go of how things had used to be, when it was just me and her. When I look back on this moment, which ain't often if I can help it, I think about the way the light from the setting sun softened her face, how the growing shadows made the changes in her hair less obvious. How the darkness seemed to change her from College Naomi back to My Naomi. Not completely, but just a little. I think about how I should have said those things, should have asked them when I had the chance. Maybe then things would've gone different.
If I'd paid more attention to the changes, remembered the sadness in her voice when she'd called. She was quieter than usual. But I thought she might just be tired from the travelling she'd done to get here.
She stayed the weekend and it was nice to have her home. I think her Momma thought so too but she were never very good at showing it. She spent most of her time making passive aggressive comments about Naomi's fancy new look and calling her a smartass any time she tried to say anything about college. I noticed that Naomi looked sad but I didn't say anything about it because her Momma always made her look that way.
I just thought about how I might be able to take on more hours at the garage and get a place of my own so that when Naomi visited, she could stay with me. Mia could too. Mia was so happy that No-mi was back, she hardly left either of us alone. Then, Sunday night I took Naomi to the bus stop and waited for it with her. She'd been getting quieter and quieter. She looked as nervous as she had when I dropped her off.
"See you soon?" I said as the bus came over the hill.
"Yeah," she said with a small smile that didn't mean much.
As she got on the bus I said, "Don't be a stranger." Which was lame. It was so, so lame. She turned and waved. I stayed until it drove off.
It would be a while before I saw her again. I worked more hours at the garage to save up extra money. I always thought about calling her but didn't because at the end of the day I was too tired. I started to wonder when the end of term was. I'd assumed she'd be back for Christmas. Mia's second birthday was coming up before that and I was certain she wouldn't miss it.
I was often the last out of work. Herb trusted me to lock up so I had my own set of keys by then. It was dark. Someone had moved my bike. Not far but just enough to fuck with me. I heard them scuffling around in the shadows, I had spent the last half hour in the garage feeling like I was being watched.
"Naomi, is that you?" I yelled at the shadows, wondering why she was being such a goddamn creep and not showing herself. I don't know why I thought it would be here, barging in on me and interrupting my work was way more her style. Maybe it was just hope.
I heard a laugh that wasn't hers and then a shadow grew in front of me, much taller than Naomi would have been even in those weird heeled boots she'd had on.
"Hey there, little brother."
He grinned like a wolf and just like that, after two years with no explanations or contact, Merle was back.
