Naomi
"We've just got to get through the winter," Bryce said. "When things start growing again, we'll be alright."
He meant it to sound reassuring, but winter felt long and too close. I nodded as if I agreed, but I couldn't help thinking back to last winter and how hard it had been on a much smaller group.
How am I supposed to feed even more people?
How am I supposed to have a healthy baby if I can't even feed myself?
Not for the first time that week, I resisted a deep urge to put a hand over my stomach. It was still too early to know anything, but it was woven into my every thought. Sanctuary's looming food crisis had become incorporated into a list of reasons I was doomed to fail as a mother. The list was getting longer and more worrying by the day. Daryl and I had spent our childhoods scrounging for scraps, stealing, and hunting to stay alive. The thought of a child of ours facing the same fate made me want to scream.
"I know," I took a deep breath, trying to squash the queasy worry deep inside me. I put my feet up on the desk between us and sighed. "But we can't just wait around for that. We need to build up our supplies as much as possible before winter hits and increase our hunting, too. We can smoke and salt the meat we get to make it last longer."
Bryce nodded. "We should pickle vegetables, too, make them last longer."
None of this sounded particularly appetizing. "At least Eugene will be happy."
Bryce grimaced, "Let's keep him out of the kitchen until spring."
"I wonder if the King would let us borrow Carol for the winter," I said. "She can make something good out of absolutely nothing."
The memory of Eric's identical skills hit me like a sharp pang. I didn't say it out loud, but it snuck up on me in the way that only the memory of a lost loved one can - a sharp blade between the ribs when you least expect it.
"I think she might be the one person we'd never be able to get Ezekiel to give up," Bryce chuckled.
"You might be right about that," I said. It had been a while since we'd seen Carol or the King, but there'd been no escaping how close they'd gotten. Seeing her happy after she'd been struggling so much was nice, but I knew Daryl missed her and the times when their group had all been in the same place. Maggie and Glenn were happy at Hilltop, and Rick and Michonne had slipped seamlessly back into life in Alexandria. The more settled they all became in their separate places, the harder it was to imagine a near future where they'd all be together again. Daryl said Mia and I were enough for him, but how long would that remain true? They were his family, too.
Winter was likely to isolate us all even more. If the snow was anything like last year, there would be weeks, maybe even months, when the roads would be impossible to use.
I should get us all together soon. Do something before it's too late.
"Naomi?"
"Sorry," I shook my head to clear the tiredness that had caused my thoughts to drift. "I zoned out for a sec."
"You look tired."
"Gee, thanks." I pulled a face like I was offended. Bryce rolled his eyes.
"I'm just saying. You're always awake these days. Can't be good for you."
"Neither is having no food," I said. Smoking extra meat and pickling the relatively small amount of vegetables we'd grown here didn't sound like enough. "Would it be crazy to try and scavenge more freezers?"
Bryce thought about it for a moment. "Not sure we have the power for that."
"We could move some of the living quarters," I said, "It won't be popular, but it might free up one of the generators to support it."
"Can we do that?"
"I dunno, I'll ask Eugene," I rubbed my eyes like it would stop the headache that had seeped so deep into my brain that I knew only sleep would fix it. Immediately, I regretted doing it. Bryce knew the gesture well.
"Get some sleep, Naomi," he said, standing up from the table to leave so that my choices were to go to bed or sit here talking to myself. "We're not going to solve this overnight."
"Yeah," I said, knowing when I was defeated. "I'll head off in a minute."
"Promise?"
"Pinky swear," I wiggled my little finger at him. He did the same back from the doorway and then left.
I folded my arms and rested my head on them. Truthfully, I was exhausted. But I hated sleeping in our room without Daryl. It was sickening how quickly I'd gotten used to it and how big the bed felt without his warmth pressed right up against me.
At some point, I must have drifted off with my forehead resting on my arms because the next thing I knew, a voice on the radio jolted me awake.
"Alexandria to Sanctuary," Daryl's voice boomed out. "Come in."
I picked up the receiver and glanced at the clock. It was damn late to be calling, and given everything that had gone down last time one of us had radioed the other from Alexandria, nerves clenched my stomach. I scrambled to grab the transmitter and pushed the button to talk. "Everything okay?"
"Naomi? That you?" The excitement in his voice turned my nerves to butterflies. He wouldn't sound so happy if something was wrong, right?
"Sure is," I started to relax. "You all good?"
"Yeah."
"Is Mia okay?" The delay the radio caused to his response time was killing me.
"Yeah, she's all good," he said. "Although she's been asking if she can go on this trip to DC that Rick's gearing up for."
"We don't even know if we're going."
"I know."
"What did you say?"
"That we'd have to talk about it, y'know, the three of us. Didn't want her to do that divide and conquer thing that kids do."
The silence hung in the air while I waited for him to explain. When he didn't, I radioed back, "The what?"
"Y'know, they ask one…person for something, so they've got back up if the other one tries to say no."
It was the first I'd heard of it, but I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Oh, sneaky."
"Yeah," he said, sounding a little puzzled. "She never done that before?"
"She's never had anyone else to ask before."
"Oh." My heart clenched at the way he said it. All soft. Through the radio, I heard him clear his throat again before he asked, "Is it okay that she asked?"
"Of course it is," I said. There was no use worrying about Mia getting attached; she was already there, and there was nobody more steadfast to attach yourself to than Daryl. I pushed the button to speak again. "Is that why you called? Feels like that could've waited until you're both home."
There was a short, embarrassed silence, and his voice became quieter. "Nah. Just wanted to say hi."
I could almost hear that reluctant tug at the corners of his mouth.
"Well," I hated how much I was smiling like a lovesick teenager. "Hi."
"Hi."
"Hey." A sudden burst of giddy energy pushed me up, away from the table.
"You said that already."
"I know," I started speaking more quietly as I walked back to our room, not wanting to wake anyone at this hour. "You know you're coming back tomorrow, right? And you can say hi in person then."
"Yeah, I know," he said. "Just wanted to see how you were feeling, I guess."
"How I'm… feeling?"
"Yeah, y'know…you ain't feeling sick or anything?"
Oh shit. That.
"Oh. No, I'm fine… no, um, changes," I said, pushing open the door to our bedroom. "Are you okay?"
Maybe it was finally hitting him, and he'd radioed because Mia asking him for something had caused a freakout about parenthood to come crashing down on him. I'd been expecting it daily. It had been so long that I'd started to believe it was never coming, that he'd think I was overreacting if he knew just how much my mind was spinning over this.
"You already asked me that," he pointed out. It was an infuriating non-answer. If he'd been standing right in front of me, I'd have been able to see if there was any worry lingering in his eyes. I slipped my shoes off.
"Yeah. But, are you?"
"'Course I am."
"You sure?" I tried to push him as I unfastened my jeans one-handed and wiggled out of them. "'Cause it's awful late to be callin' just to say hi."
"Were you in bed? Did I wake ya?"
"I'm about to be," I said, not wanting to admit I'd fallen asleep at the table because it was better than sleeping apart from him. The room didn't feel so empty now that Daryl's voice echoed through it. Even the bed didn't seem so lonely.
"Well, while I've got ya…" Daryl cleared his throat. My heart lurched. Was this it? I waited for him to say more, but it faded to static.
"Yeah?"
"The hell does Wuthering mean?"
"Withering?" I assumed I'd misheard, and my heart sank. My mind immediately jumped to the few measly plants we'd managed to grow. My headache started creeping back. I'd hoped, among other things, that going to Alexandria would give him a break from these problems.
"No. Wuthering," he said, "like in Wuthering Heights ."
You could have given me a thousand tries and I'd never have guessed that was what he was talking about. "Stormy. Windy. It's just the name of the house."
"Right," he said. "And why are there so many damn Catherines in this book?"
"What book?" I pulled back the sheets and slipped into bed.
It was still disappointingly cold, but it was easier to ignore when Daryl's voice was so close. "Withered whatever."
" Wuthering Heights ?"
"Yeah."
"You're reading it?" I glanced around the room for the copy Negan had brought me with the now-destroyed picture of my family. I couldn't remember what I'd done with it, but it wasn't here.
"Yeah. I can read."
"I know you can read," I said, rolling my eyes even though he couldn't see me. "Just thought you'd be a bit busy for a Bronte."
There was another slightly embarrassed pause. I settled down into the pillow and waited. Eventually, he said, "Got nothing to do at night. Don't remember what I used to do in the evenings before."
I couldn't resist. "Before you were doing me?"
"Shut up," he groaned. I knew his ears would be pink.
"Right. Well, Catherine Earnshaw and Catherine Linton are the same Catherine," I said. "Her name changes after she gets married, and then she names her daughter Catherine."
"She names her kid after herself?"
"Yeah. What's wrong with that? Men do it all the time."
"Yeah, it's weird when they do it, too," he said.
That's 'Naomi' and 'Daryl' firmly off the baby name list.
I couldn't stop the thought, but I had to physically restrain myself from saying it out loud. He'd been so aggressively neutral about the whole thing. Either he had yet to sink in, or he was actively blocking it out. Whichever it was, I wanted to give him as much time as possible to deal with things in whatever way he had to before anything cemented itself into reality. He only had a few days left before he'd have to deal with it either way.
"Wait," he radioed back. "So she doesn't marry Heathcliff?"
"No," I laughed.
"Why?"
"She marries someone else."
"The Hell does she do that for?" He sounded so mad. I'd never known him to take something fictional so seriously. I wanted to tease him about it, but I couldn't bring myself to. Something was… not off but… odd. The breathlessness in the way he'd called, his fixation on something irrelevant that really shouldn't bother him, and weirdest of all was that Daryl - man of few words, many grunts - seemed reluctant to hang up.
"I thought you were reading it?"
"I am."
"Ain't gonna spoil the ending for you then, am I? You'll have to finish the damn thing."
"Alright, alright, keep your panties on."
Again, I couldn't resist. "Who says I'm wearing any?"
There was another long pause, and then he said, "...are you not?"
"You'll have to come home and find out."
He groaned, but I could tell he was smiling. "Damn tease."
"I should probably go," I said, testing the waters a little. "It's late."
"Yeah." Another big sigh. He still didn't say goodbye.
"What you moping for?" I asked. My grin spread wide. "Are you missing me, Daryl Dixon?"
"Pfft," he said. "Just ain't used to the peace and quiet no more."
"That's not a no."
"Shut up, dumbass."
"You miss me."
"Bye, Naomi."
"See you tomorrow, dumbass."
There was another long pause where I thought I wouldn't hear back from him again, that he'd put the walkie down and gone to bed himself. I curled around the radio and closed my eyes just in time to hear him say, "Sleep tight, beautiful."
Goddamn it, Daryl.
I wanted to say something back and keep talking to him until the sun came up. But it had been so comforting to hear him speak to me while my eyes were shut; it was almost like he was right there with me. Opening my eyes would break the illusion. Sleep soon reached out to claim me as thoroughly as Daryl usually did.
Realistically, I knew they probably wouldn't be back until the evening, but that didn't stop me from hovering around the windows from the moment I woke up the next day and procrastinating on the million things I had to do that day. I searched the horizon for that tell-tale glint of a car in the horizon carrying my two favorite people back to me.
"Hey, boss lady. Sorry to interrupt…" Justin said, glancing between me and the window, "...whatever it is you're doing, but… you got a sec?"
"Sure," I tore my eyes away from the road, hoping it wasn't obvious that all I'd been doing was pining. "What's up?"
It was a relief to have something else to focus on and someone there to force me to do it. Justin looked nervous, hovering by the door like he was expecting me to throw something at him. He tensed, "John and Marissa Davis are missing."
It took me a second to place the names. There were so many to learn around here, but I'd made a concerted effort. They were a couple of young farmers - quiet Sanctuary workers who hadn't fought against us or caused trouble like some of Justin's… associates had.
"Missing?"
"Yeah. They told a few people they were heading out fishing yesterday," he said. "I think they were worried about how the crops were doing and wanted to find something else, but they didn't come back last night. Nobody's heard from them."
"I guess it's possible they got stuck somewhere and are still making their way back," I said. It had happened recently enough to us that I knew it was a possibility, but I was avoiding the most likely scenario. Walkers had got them. Or worse.
"Maybe," Justin said, but he was holding something back. "But, there weren't many other people here that were close to them. They kept to themselves a lot and were… quite worried about how the crops were doing."
The implication was clear, "They skipped out on us?"
It made sense. A couple young enough that, if they wanted to, probably had a good shot of making it on their own if they lost faith in the people running their community. Especially if it was one they didn't feel particularly connected to. Leaving now would give them enough time to establish a safe base before winter hit in full force.
"Maybe," he said again.
"Is there something I'm missing?"
"They were pretty loyal to Negan," he said eventually, shifting uncomfortably. Everyone was still afraid when they came to deliver bad news as if they were expecting a disproportionately adverse reaction. They were rescue dogs waiting to be kicked. If given the chance, would some of them run back under the boot they were used to?
"Ah," I nodded. "You think they might have gone to join him? Taken their chances in the woods?"
"Maybe," Justin shrugged, shooting another tentative look in my direction as if he expected me to be angry about it. I wasn't. It felt like another small failure. We'd have to double our efforts in bridging the gap between our people and the former Saviors. I certainly wasn't mad about them leaving. We didn't know them; if their loyalties were still with Negan, I really couldn't blame them for hedging their bets. If I hadn't been so distracted, I might have taken it more seriously from the start. It could've prevented a hell of a lot. But you know what they say about hindsight.
"We'll send some people out to look for them and see if we can track them down," I said. "If they don't turn up, or if we don't find them, I guess we'll have to assume they're… no longer with us."
"Right, yeah, that makes sense," Justin hesitated before cutting to the chase. "And if they don't come back. What do we do with their stuff?"
I laughed. "You want their stuff?"
He had the decency to look at least a little embarrassed. "John had a kick-ass machete."
"He left it behind?"
"Yeah."
That was weird. It might have stuck in my brain more if I'd had another second to ruminate about it. I might have realized that nobody who's planning to leave would go into a Walker-infested world without their prized weapon. As it was, Bryce stuck his head around the door frame and said, "They're here!"
My feet were moving before he'd finished talking. I flew down the stairs so fast that it was a miracle I didn't fall. Mia had already reached the front door by the time I got there. She was always in a good mood after seeing her friends in Alexandria, but this time, she seemed especially excited about something. The moment she'd finished hugging me, she launched into a rapid-fire list of everything she'd done in the time we'd been apart. It was hard to keep up with, not because I wasn't listening, but because she was talking a million miles an hour.
Daryl was quiet, although I knew better than to expect the same levels of insane squealing and jumping I'd get from Mia. He was quieter than usual and had a nervous energy about him. The moment Mia was distracted by talking to Bryce, Daryl pulled me aside and into a separate room, which immediately put me on edge.
"Got ya somethin'," he said. He was so quiet and shifty that, for a moment, I genuinely worried about what he was about to pull out of his backpack. He produced a thin rectangle wrapped in one of his bandanas. His fingers shook a little when he unwrapped it just enough to see the corners of two boxes. I knew at once what they were. My heart dropped to my stomach.
"Oh," I took the pregnancy tests from him like they were a bomb about to go off. "That's… um, thank you, Daryl. How did you…?"
He nodded, ears reddening and eyes on his shoes. "Picked 'em up in Alexandria. Didn't know if we had any, or…"
"No, that's great," I said quickly. Sanctuary was actually weirdly well-stocked in that department. Whether it was because Negan had been worried about having more mouths to feed or actively trying for an heir to his fucked up throne, I wasn't sure. I wasn't about to ask any of his "wives" either. They'd been traumatized enough. I didn't tell Daryl any of that. This was the most Daryl had acknowledged what was happening, and how seriously he was taking it was written all over his face. I didn't want to say the wrong thing and push him back into himself again. "Thank you."
Daryl reached out for me, pulled me close. "It'll be okay, Naomi. Whatever happens."
I couldn't say anything. I just nodded against his shoulder and prayed he was right. The trouble was that it always felt true like this. When he was holding me tight and telling me that things would work out, I could believe it. It was the rest of the time when reality seeped into our little bubble, that I was filled with absolute dread. All he had to do was let me go.
His hand under my chin turned my face to look at him. "I love you so much, angel."
I kissed him quickly so he wouldn't see how close to tears I was.
Fuck.
Am I more emotional than usual, or am I just plain old losing it?
How one man could simultaneously soothe me and make me lose my mind was beyond me. As he kissed me, back, I felt more solid and real than I had in weeks. I had something steady to hold on to.
"Can you do something for me?" I asked as we broke apart.
"Anything," he said, so intensely that I felt a little bad that all I was asking him to do was lead a team out looking for our missing couple, but if anyone could track them, it was him. He left under strict instructions not to follow if he found any evidence of them heading into Negan's territory. While he was busy, I snuck down to the medical storage rooms to replace the pregnancy tests I'd lined up before Daryl's little gift.
Amber was in there, and I felt like I'd been caught somewhere I shouldn't be. The weird, unsettling guilt in my stomach seemed so at odds with how her face lit up when she saw what I was holding. "You're pregnant?"
"I don't know yet," I said, fighting to keep my tone as neutral as possible. Then I saw the prenatal vitamins she was holding, "Wait… are you?"
"Yes," she said, her face nearly splitting in two with the joy of it. Something nasty twisted in my gut when she said it, but either I managed to hide it, or she was too happy to notice. "Mark and I found out a few weeks ago. I just came to get some more of these."
She shook the tub of vitamins like there was any way in hell I could have missed them.
"Congratulations," I said, but the word rang hollow in my ears. She didn't even seem to have a little bit of the dread that was gnawing from my stomach to my womb. Neither did Maggie. My gut clenched.
That's how real Moms should be.
That's how someone who deserves to be a Mom should feel about having a kid.
"God, the waiting is the worst, huh?" she said, squeezing my arm sympathetically. "But don't worry, you can always keep trying."
My stomach twisted again—the assumption of it all. I swallowed down everything I couldn't say and forced a smile. "Yeah."
Amber smiled back, and hers was full of genuine excitement. She was glowing with it. She gave my arm another squeeze as she passed by; I was too numb to tell whether it was sympathetic or encouraging. Before she stepped out into the hallway, she turned back with a big smile and said, "Hey, maybe our kids will be friends!"
"Yeah, maybe," I tried to match her excitement that one day our kids would be having playdates together. She practically skipped out of the room.
The door shut behind her, and shame swallowed me whole.
Daryl
I sat with my back up against the bathroom door. It would've raised a lot of questions if anyone walked past but I physically couldn't bear to be any further from Naomi than that. My heart had climbed up into the back of my throat. Hands were sweating like crazy, and I couldn't keep them still, no matter how hard I tried. Even resting them on my knees didn't help because they were jittery too.
It suddenly hit me that I had no idea how long I would have to wait out here, shaking like a damn leaf in the wind. I should have asked before Naomi went in there, but my mind had been too damn clouded.
Why am I so fucking useless?
I was pretty sure that pregnancy tests weren't hour-long ordeals, but I could've been wrong about that. I'd never been in this position before, never been anywhere close. I couldn't damn well knock and ask now. I might not know much, but I knew you couldn't do that to a lady while she's pissing.
Mercifully, the door opened way quicker than I thought. After all this waiting, I couldn't believe we had an answer so damn fast. "Are you…?"
"I don't know yet. I only just peed on the damn thing." She looked down at me. Her face was as tense as I felt. "Do you wanna come in?"
"In there?"
"Yeah," she said, but something about my reaction made her look like she regretted asking. "I know it's weird, and you don't have to - no pressure if you don't want-"
"No, I'll come in," I said. I'd already scrambled to my feet.
"Okay," she nodded and stepped back to let me in.
The bathroom looked the same. I don't know why I felt it should look different, but it was weird that something this big would happen in a place I almost never thought about. I didn't know where to sit or stand, and I still didn't know what to do with my hands. Naomi closed the door behind me.
"How… uh," I cleared my throat. "How long's it take?"
"Box said three minutes."
"It ain't been three minutes already?" Felt like it had been three hours.
"No. It ain't."
Time didn't move much faster after that. No matter how long it stretched on, I never worked out where to sit or what to do with my hands. I paced a little. Leaned on the locked door like I was worried someone was going to try and get in. Sat on the edge of the bath. Shoved my hands in and out of my pockets so many times I thought for sure Naomi would make fun of me for it. But it seemed like she couldn't think of anything to say either.
She was still as hell. After she let me in, she leaned on the wall beside the sink and barely moved a muscle because they were too tense to move. The sink was the one place I couldn't get near. I could see the test balancing on it, and looking at it too early, even on accident, I felt like I would jinx the result.
Naomi finally moved, reaching for the test. As she picked it up, I wished I knew the right thing to say and how to tell her it would be okay either way, but I couldn't get the words out.
I watched the tension flow right out of her, and for a split second, my heart lifted. Then she closed her eyes and almost laughed with relief, "It's negative."
I'd always known it was the most likely answer. I thought I'd managed not to get my hopes up, but given how hard they were shattering around me, they must have fallen from a damn great height. The number of times I'd told myself I'd be okay no matter what happened, I hadn't expected it to hit as hard as it did. I'd thought, whatever happened, Naomi and I would be on the same page about it - disappointed or happy together. But she was so damn relieved - like she'd dodged a bullet or had a stay of execution - I was alone in being crushed.
Can't blame her for feeling that way.
I ain't exactly a prize.
I didn't know what to do with that. I sank down and sat on the edge of the bath. All of the energy was gone from me now.
Naomi opened her eyes and looked up at me. The relief vanished from her eyes in an instant. They filled up with a new kind of worry. I looked away, trying to hide what she'd already seen. It was too late, though.
"Oh… Daryl." I wasn't expecting her to say my name all soft like that. Somehow that made it hurt all the more.
"Would it have been so bad? Havin' a kid with me?" It slipped out. Quiet, but not quiet enough. I hated how it sounded, how needy I was being. How much this hurt, even though I'd always known this was the most likely outcome.
"Oh, Daryl …" When I looked back at her, there was a kind of hopeless dread in her eyes that made me feel sick.
I need to shut my damn mouth.
Don't make more outta this than it already is.
Once I'd started, I couldn't stop. It all came tumbling out of me. "Because I'm different now. I ain't the man I was before, Naomi. God knows I ain't perfect, but I'm trying… I thought I was…"
My hands were shaking. I didn't realize it until Naomi took hold of them.
"God, it's not you," she said. I wanted to believe her but I knew 'it's not you, it's me' was sometimes something you say to someone when you don't want to tell them the truth. She crouched down in front of me. "Sometimes I look at the way you are with Mia or Carl… Judith, and I think…. God, if there was ever anyone born to be a father, it's you ."
I forced myself to look at her then because I wanted to believe her. She'd said a lot of nice shit about me over the years, but that was one of the ones that hit hardest. Her eyes were so sincere. "Then… why…?"
"I'm just… scared," she said. It wasn't the answer I was expecting. "Always have been."
"Always?"
"Since Mia," she said. "Since Momma… Both of 'em almost died when Momma went into labor, and they were in a hospital with a whole medical team and proper medical equipment. That was enough to make me… reconsider kids of my own. It can just be so… dangerous."
Naomi shuddered a little like she couldn't go on. But she didn't have to. I knew because I'd seen it for myself, too. I'd been so focused on the start of Lori's first pregnancy and things I could do to help Naomi that I hadn't thought it all the way through. Lori's death had been one of the most brutal things to hit our group.
I don't know how Rick survived that.
I wouldn't.
"Shit," I said. My brain wouldn't even let me hold the idea of losing Naomi like that in my mind. Every time I tried to imagine a world without her, I almost blacked out. "I… hadn't thought about any of that."
I felt like a damn idiot.
"I know it's probably kinda selfish," she said. "And it's definitely part of my…tendency to overthink every damn thing, but…"
"No," I said. Guilt twisted me up. I'd been the selfish one here. "You're right. You're right to worry about that. I just ain't had to think about any of that before."
If someone had come to me and said that I could have a family of my own, but it would cost me Naomi's life, I would have done more than tell them to fuck off. I'd have killed them for threatening it. I was usually so good at noticing all the ways she might get herself in danger. I couldn't believe I'd missed this.
"You'd be the world's best Daddy," she said, and it was nice to hear, but her voice broke a little when she said it. I looked at her. The burning regret in her eyes made something in my stomach turn to ice. "But… me? I don't know if I'm cut out for that. I don't know if I could be somebody's Momma."
"Naomi, that's crazy," I blurted out. I didn't mean to, knew the moment I said it that it wasn't the most understanding thing to say, but I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that Naomi thought she'd be bad at something she'd been doing so well since she was sixteen. She'd single-handedly brought up a smart, brave, and kind kid in a world fighting to turn everyone into monsters. "You and Mia-"
"Mia deserved a hell of a lot better than me," she cut across me. She didn't yell, but it was so raw it took the wind out of me.
Ain't nobody better than you.
"You did everything for her."
"I did everything I could for her," Naomi shook her head. "But that first apartment we lived in had one bedroom and a hell of a lot of damp. I had to mend her clothes a thousand times before I could justify buying her new ones. Sure some of her friends had parents who were split up or single, but Mia… she just had me. Not a Mom. Not a Dad. Not even a step-parent. Just me."
I swallowed down a lump in my throat. "And she was damn lucky."
"No." Her bottom lip had started to tremble. Her eyes were bright.
Naomi had always been a perfectionist, but it was clearly killing her that she hadn't been able to give Mia a perfect childhood. Even though she'd barely been older than a kid herself. Even though she'd always had this way of making the absolute best out of anything bad.
Even though there was no such thing as a perfect childhood, or a perfect parent.
Fuck I should've been there.
Contributing.
Telling her what a damn good job she was doing.
"She'd have ended up in care if you hadn't taken her in," I said.
"Maybe," she said. "Maybe then she'd have wound up with the kind of family who could give her those things."
"Naomi, no," I said. "You know cases where that happens are one-in-a-million."
"Yeah, but she's a one-in-a-million kid," Naomi said fiercely. "People would've taken one look at her, and they'd have-"
"Woah, hey," I stood up, took hold of her. She was so far down this spiral that it was becoming clear it was one she'd been slipping into for far longer than this conversation. How had I missed it? "She is. She is one-in-a-million. But, baby, you know what the care system was really like. How many kids slipped through the cracks, no matter how brilliant they were."
How many times had she lived in fear of being taken away by CPS? How often had I sat and wondered if that would have been better for her than being with her Momma, knowing I wouldn't be able to deal with it if she'd left?
Naomi closed her eyes, but not before I saw how much guilt was in there. "I just… don't think people should have kids unless they really want 'em, and can really take care of them."
That, we could agree on. We both knew what it was like to be born to people who didn't want to look after their kids. She looked at me again, and I nodded.
"So, you don't want 'em?" I tried to ask in the most neutral way I could. Because I wouldn't judge her either way. "That it?"
She didn't answer right away, conflict written all over her face.
"I don't know. I've never really known," she said. There was more she wanted to say; I could see it building in her eyes. "It's such a big change, having a kid."
"I know." I kept waiting; there was more. I wanted her to get out. There was such heaviness in her eyes that it felt important that she unburden some of it. I tried not to spin out in the silence. Naomi was still teetering on the edge of something, and I couldn't pull her back if I didn't know what it was. She took a deep breath.
"I don't just mean the pregnancy stuff, although… that really does scare the shit outta me," she said. "I mean, it can really change who you are, as a person, and some people they just aren't cut out for… they ain't meant to…"
She'd lost me again. It couldn't be about Mia; we'd been over that, and she'd already said it wasn't about me. So, unless she'd been lying about that, this felt different. I didn't like how different it felt. What could be worse than punching me in the gut with the idea that pregnancy could take her away from me?
Naomi's gaze dropped to the ground; her voice dropped, too. So damn quiet, so damn sad, she said, "My Momma wasn't an addict before she had me."
It almost knocked me down. I straightened up against the force of it. This went a hell of a lot deeper than I thought. "That ain't on you."
"I was a difficult pregnancy," she said. "She had the same kinda problems with me that she had with Mia, but back then the painkillers they put her on weren't… they were… that's what got her hooked and she…. She could've…"
Naomi couldn't finish, but I understood. It was a well-known tale back home—someone went to the doctor for something and spent the rest of their lives chasing the high they never should have been given in the first place.
"That ain't your fault, angel," I said, my heart was breaking for her. "You didn't prescribe the damn things."
She shook her head, tears starting to drop from her eyes that were still staring desperately at the ground. "Having me ruined her."
"No," I closed that damn gap between us, wrapped my arms around her, and slowly pulled her into me like that would do anything to shield her from it. I knew how to fight the external shit, but how could I stop something that had probably been with her so long it had sunk into her bone marrow? The moment I touched her, I felt her body start to shake.
"She could've been somebody, Daryl." It all started pouring out of her. "She could've had a life if she'd never…if I'd never-"
"No." I couldn't let her finish that damn sentence even though I knew she'd carried the thought around for so long it was hardwired in there.
"But she could've made something of herself, she could've done something great, she…she…"
Naomi's Momma had always been full of shit. The whole time I'd known her, she'd lie about all kinds of shit. The things she'd say to Naomi when she was coming down off a high made my blood boil… the way she'd spoken to her, the names she'd called her… It wouldn't have surprised me if it wasn't true, just something she'd said to hurt her daughter.
Truth or not, it didn't matter. Naomi's Momma was long dead and never would have admitted it anyway. What mattered was that it was true to Naomi.
I took her face in my hands. "The best thing your shitstain of a Momma ever did was bring you into this world. You hear me?"
It was true.
Even she'd been on some path to greatness before addiction derailed her. There was nothing on this Earth that her Momma could've gone on to do that was worth trading Naomi in for. Even if she'd been destined to be the one to cure whatever disease was making the dead rise, it wouldn't have been worth it. Not to me.
Her big, sad eyes looked up at me, and for a second, she was that little girl in the trailer park with nowhere to go. Just like how seeing her fight tooth and nail to get back to me healed that little boy who'd thought there was something about him that was so terrible it made people abandon him, this was a deep wound. The kind that don't heal easy because you grew up ignoring it until it infected everything.
The grown-up Naomi might have been standing right in front of me then, but that little girl was listening too.
My heart ached for her. For both of them.
"It wasn't ever your fault, angel," I said, gently as I could, but it still made her cry twice as hard. "None of it. Your Momma made her choices because of who she was, not who you are."
"I never wanna be like her. I don't wanna make a kid feel like…" Naomi stopped, couldn't even bring herself to voice the ways her own mother had made her feel.
"You wouldn't."
"You don't know that. She probably didn't think she'd be…"
"You ain't her, you could never be her," I said, but I understood her fear even better now. How many times had I worried I'd wind up like my Dad? How many years had I wondered what it was about me that had made him hate me so damn much?
"I get so mad sometimes… And… the shit I'm capable of, Daryl…" She shuddered, and I knew she was thinking of every violent and awful thing she'd had to do to survive in this world. I hugged her tighter, rubbed her back.
"I know, I know, but it's different, baby. It ain't the same. You ain't her," I said, as soothingly as I could. Naomi didn't argue back, but I wasn't dumb enough to think this would have magically fixed everything. I just held her. Let her cry it out. Eventually she stepped away from me to wipe her eyes, and blow her nose on some toilet paper. I sat down on the edge of the bath again and waited.
"I wish I knew either way," she said quietly, miserably throwing the test in the trash. "I wish I knew what I wanted. I'm sorry I don't have a clear answer on this."
"Don't be. I don't need one." I said. "It's okay."
She looked up at me again, her red-rimmed eyes on the verge of more tears. "It's not though, is it?"
"Of course it is," I frowned. "Not everybody's gotta want them."
"But you do."
Fuck.
She's about to leave me.
My stomach dropped. "I don't wanna talk about this anymore."
I could suddenly see the end of the conversation, speeding toward me so fast I hadn't seen it coming. Now, I worried it was too late. She sat down next to me on the edge of the bath. "Daryl. We have to talk about it."
"No."
"You can't-"
"Do you still love me?"
"Yes. Of course."
"Are you gonna lea-"
"No." How fast she said it brought me so much relief. Didn't even let me finish asking, which was a blessing because I wasn't sure I'd be able to get out the words 'leave me.' Not to her.
"But if this is something you know you want-."
"Stop. Don't finish that sentence."
I hated the way she was looking at me. Like she expected me to break her heart. "I would understand if you need to think-"
"Don't need to think," I said. "You, me, Mia – that's my family, that's all I need."
That had always been it for me, always been my end goal. I was now part of the family I'd always dreamed of calling mine. How could I have let myself get so greedy? Made her feel like they were some consolation prize I'd trade in for another kind of family? Who was I to think I could be her husband when I was already failing at being her boyfriend?
"I'd understand if you wanted-"
"Stop. We ain't talking about this."
"We have to, Daryl. It's your future we're talking about."
If she leaves me over this, it's my own fucking fault.
I took her hand and clung it like she was a damn liferaft. It was pathetic. "You're my future."
The one person on this Earth who would never leave me or hurt me intentionally, but I knew her. If she saw herself as the one obstacle to me being happy, she'd remove herself.
"But, what if I decide I don't want-"
"Then that's fine."
She sighed.
"I always assumed I'd never have kids of my own, because it would always just be me and Mia." Her gaze softened when she looked at me. "I never thought I'd have.. someone."
"You could have anyone."
"Well, turns out I'll only settle for the best."
Even in the middle of this sad, hard, weird conversation, she could still make my ears heat up. I felt a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth, "Sorry I messed it up for ya."
"You should be," she managed a small smile back. "It's very confusing."
Naomi rested her head on my shoulder. We let the silence settle around us, neither of us ready to face the outside world again just yet.
"This was good, I think," she said after a while. "I'm proud of us."
"How'd you figure that?" I said. "I feel like shit."
"Yeah, me too," she said. "But we're both still in the room. That's gotta count for something, don't it?"
Something tightened in my chest. I looked down at where our hands joined, her fingers slotted so nicely between mine. Without letting go, I lifted my arm so I had enough room to put it around her shoulders.
"Yeah, you're right," I said. There'd been tears but no yelling. I hadn't punched anything or thrown anything. Hadn't even wanted to. "It really is okay with me, you know."
I'd keep saying it to the end of time. Anything to keep her with me.
"Yeah?" I wished I knew whether or not she believed me.
"I was just… caught up in the idea of fun stuff - us raising a kid together and being the kind of parents we never got to have. Really. It's not a big deal."
"Well. I hadn't thought about it like that ," she said quietly. I rested my head on top of hers. I didn't know how to make it clear that this was it for me. That no matter what shape our family took, it only mattered that it was me and her building it. The sinking, cold feeling in my chest reminded me of when she'd first moved away. Even though she was right beside me, I felt a distance I didn't like. Naomi was stuck in her own head, and I couldn't let those worries get so loud that she thought leaving was the only chance she had of making me happy. Back then, I'd noticed her drifting and done nothing, let life get between us. I couldn't let that happen again. This was the closest I'd felt to losing her, truly losing her, not because of some external force that I could fight, but something much deeper and harder to confront.
(sorry, no Dixon baby at this time)
A/N for Hannah who left a signed-out review on the last chapter. Thank you so much for reading! This definitely hasn't been abandoned, I'm just criminal slow at updates when life gets in the way sometimes. Thank you so much for your kind words about this story :) I'm so sorry for the ways you felt you can connect to Naomi, and the things you've been through. Please look after yourself and step away if it's ever too much. Sending you loads of love.
